Arrested

  If I wasn't at home those first few months then it seemed like I was at the Family Justice Center. I had all kinds of appointments there : case management (which is basically checking in to make sure you're okay) and a lot of appointments with the detectives. One of the final times I went there was to turn in the recording I had gotten of Nic's confession. It was so weird to hand over a confession that I knew would be the nail in his coffin. I needed to protect my kids so I knew it was necessary but still it gave me a pang to turn him in. It was so surreal.
  Now that they had proof they were able to issue a warrant for his arrest. What most people don't realize is that it doesn't happen quickly like on TV. It took a couple of weeks to get the warrant. Those weeks were so long! I was on pins and needles wondering when it would happen. Finally the day came. On March 25th Nic was arrested, a little over two months since I found out about the accusations. I'm going to share my journal entry from that night.
  
   " About an hour ago, so 11:30 pm, I was getting ready for bed when someone rang my doorbell. I froze and my adrenaline instantly spiked. Who would be at my door at 11:30 pm? I called my close friend Jaynee and told her someone was at my door. She lives in my neighborhood and I knew she could be over quickly if I needed her. As I was talking to her they started knocking on the door. I peaked out the top window and saw a police officer. Jaynee still on the phone, I answered the door. They were looking for Nic. I informed them that Nic didn't live here and they said they were on their way to go talk to him, which I knew meant arrest him. They said I shouldn't call him or his family and let them know they were coming.
   So here I am an hour later wondering if he's already been arrested. Blah! I hate everything about this situation! I have so many mixed feelings. Relief that he's finally paying some legal consequences and the process is moving forward. Anxiety for reasons I can't explain. Sadness for the point this has come to. Fear for what will happen to him and how he'll be treated. Fear for my kids and how this is going to affect them one day. Guilt for feeling bad for him. Should I feel bad when he did what he did? But mostly I feel sadness. Sadness that someone I truly loved and really saw eternity with is now being arrested for hurting our daughter.
  I had a flashback to a memory of another night when someone rang my doorbell and knocked on the door late at night and I was frightened. It was April 2009 and I was nine months pregnant with our second baby. Nic was working in Iraq at the time and I hadn't seen him for 6 months. I was afraid I was going to have the baby without him. I was on the phone that time too when the knock came. I was talking on the phone to Nic and when I opened my front door there he was on my porch! He had flown home early to surprise me so he didn't miss the birth of our son. Never in my life have I had such a wonderful surprise! These two nights are so similar but with very different endings. How ironic that that memory came to mind tonight.
  My heart truly grieves what we had and what we lost. My marriage to him was mostly hard but there were some sweet times and I truly believe he loved me. He was just so broken and could never love me and the kids the right way. How heartbreaking everything is."

   I didn't sleep at all that night.

  It has been a very heartbreaking thing to endure. I have often thought back to that night that Nic surprised me from Iraq. How did we go from that to this? When did he stop sliding down the hill and actually drop off the cliff? Satan is sneaky. He kept Nic in a position where he was right on the line. He knew exactly what to tell Nic to get him to justify his sins. Gradually he added in worse and worse temptations, one at a time, until eventually he got him to commit a horrible sin. At which point Nic fell off of the cliff. I imagine it just like hiking a steep mountain and you step on some loose rock and lose your balance and slide down the mountain a little bit. You can stop and catch yourself but if you're not careful and you don't watch your step you will step on loose rock again and continue to slide. Eventually if you keep making the same mistake as to not pay attention to where you're stepping you will slide to the bottom or even fall down the mountain. Here's where the Atonement comes in : you can always climb back up that mountain! It's so much harder to climb it with an injury but you can climb it. Going up is always more work than coming down. You have to exert more energy to go up whereas coming down is always easier with gravity on your side. The secret is that the view is always better from the top! How much better and sweeter is that view when you've had to work so hard to see it? My hope is that Nic, and anyone who's lost their footing, will find the courage and strength to accept the Atonement in their lives and climb the mountain again no matter how difficult it may be or how long it takes.

  

Be Still

   After Nic met with the stake president he called me and wanted to meet up. We met in a movie theatre parking lot. His eyes were all red and swollen. What I saw that night was a broken man. I have never seen anyone so broken. I believe he did feel Godly sorrow that night. He confessed to me that night about the abuse he inflicted on our daughter. Again I was so calm. I used to think in a situation like this I would be a raving lunatic who was crazy angry and rightfully so. Not so, the spirit took over and continued to guide me. I listened as he spilled his guts to me. He could barely make eye contact, he was so ashamed. We sat there for quite a while and just cried together. I cried for him and the broken state he was in. I cried when I listened to details about things he did to our daughter. I cried thinking about what she endured. I cried for our poor family that would never be the same. After listening to what I thought was a full confession and seeing the state he was in I convinced him to surrender the guns over to me.
   I got home late that night and all of my kids were already asleep. I sat on the bed with my mom and recounted to her all of the events of that day. I couldn't even shed a single tear that night as I told my mom everything. I have never been more emotionally drained. Although I was exhausted I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I couldn't stop picturing awful things that had occurred right in my home. Finally I had to take a sleeping pill. For the first few weeks after that I had to take a sleeping pill every night or my mind wouldn't shut down. Eventually I transitioned to taking melatonin before bed.
   The weight of it all seemed to crush me. I couldn't handle knowing the details of what had happened. I felt like my mind was on repeat of the same horrible image playing in my head. Finally I couldn't take it any longer. I knelt in prayer and pleaded for Heavenly Father to take those images away from me. I sobbed and pleaded for my daughter to forget. I didn't want her to remember such awful things. My poor, innocent angel had to live through that. It still kills me to think about it. During my prayer as I sobbed and pleaded I began to feel so much physical pain. I could feel so much pain and anger in every extremity of my body. My hands and feet went stiff with pain. I felt like I was finally allowing myself to fully feel it and turn it over to Him. When I had finished praying a thought came to me;  I felt consumed by pain and the Savior had felt all of my pain AND everyone else's who had ever existed!!! What a sobering thought. No wonder He bled from every pore! I cannot even begin to fathom what that would feel like when just mine alone felt so all consuming. I no longer felt heavy with pain, I felt gratitude.
   He atoned for us. For me, for you. He atoned for what Nic had done. He atoned for the pain it inflicted on us. He atoned for my anger and hatred. He atoned for the sadness my little family felt as we tried to pull ourselves back together. All of the days I felt like I couldn't get out of bed because this couldn't possibly be my life. All of the times I went to sleep with a tired and broken heart. All of the anger I felt at what Nic had done. All of the sadness my babies felt when they missed him. Every single pain and transgression. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. He atoned for them all. I am not alone in this hardship, this trial and you are not alone in yours. It reminds me of Jesus walking on the water.

Matthew 14:22-33

 22 ¶And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.

 23 And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.

 24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

 25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

 26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

 27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

 28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

 29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

 30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

 32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

 33 Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.

 

    I have tried to live my life to follow Jesus. I have desired to come unto Him like Peter who desired to walk on the water to Jesus. When things got hard and my "wind boisterous" I felt like I was sinking. I felt overwhelmed and I cried out to Him, "Lord, save me." But what gets me is Jesus's response, "immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" I find it interesting that the word immediately was used. Not eventually but immediately. It is defined this way:

 

 

im·me·di·ate·ly

iˈmēdēətlē/

adverb

adverb: immediately

1. 1.

   at once; instantly.

   "I called immediately for an ambulance"

   
   

   synonyms:

   straightaway, at once, right away, instantly, now, directly, promptly, forthwith, this/that (very) minute, this/that instant, there and then, then and there, on the spot, here and now, without delay, without further ado, posthaste; More quickly, as fast as possible, speedily, as soon as possible; informalASAP, pronto, double-quick, on the double, pretty damn quick, PDQ, in/like a flash, like a shot, tout de suite; humoroustoot sweet; archaicforthright "it was necessary to make a decision immediately"

2. 2.

   without any intervening time or space.

   "she was sitting immediately behind me"

   
   

   • in direct or very close relation.

     "they would be the states most immediately affected by any such action"

     
     

     synonyms:

     directly, right, exactly, precisely, squarely, just, dead; informalsmack dab "I sat immediately behind him"

  Without any intervening time or space "Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him." This really touched me. I had panicked in the "boisterous wind" of my life and I had begun to sink. Jesus wasted no time once I finally turned my pain over to Him. He immediately "stretched forth his hand" to me and took on my pain. I could feel it. After praying to Him and unloading my heavy heart I began to feel hope. I felt a little lighter immediately. Why did I doubt?

   Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all alone. The weight of doing it alone is absolutely crushing. We should learn from Peter's story and never doubt His ability to help us in our times of need. He is always there when the wind is boisterous and the waves are crashing. In the middle of it all we need to calm ourselves and look for that light that is the Savior. I am visualizing myself standing in the middle of the ocean with waves and water everywhere. The sky is dark and the winds are blowing. I can see myself absolutely panicking as I reflect on the depth of the ocean and what appears to be immediate doom. Then as the waves part there is the Savior, this light, this beacon and His hand is stretched forth to me. All I have to do is calm myself and focus on Him.

  Those first few weeks felt surreal. It was a living nightmare. Everything I knew was turned upside down. My home was not the safe place I thought it was for my kids. My husband was not the worthy priesthood holder I had thought. How does one even go about handling a situation like this? I had never in my wildest dreams pictured my life like this. The pain was unbearable and yet as I knelt in prayer that day the waters I stood on were calmed. The Savior whispered to me, "Be still". All I can say after this experience is,  "Of a truth thou art the Son of God."

 

 

 

 

The Lies We Tell

  CPS came on Friday the 23rd and scheduled to have my daughter come in on Thursday the 29th for interviewing. It was one day short of a week. It was the longest week of my life! They dropped this bomb on me that my husband may or may not have abused our daughter and then they left me with no further details or answers until the following Thursday. I didn't know what to do. Should I talk to family and friends and tell them what happened? What if it wasn't true and then everyone was paranoid around Nic. I have heard that apparently I was pretty lucky. Usually they don't have an opening to interview the victims that quickly. My heart truly hurts for those families that have to wait and wonder. It is nothing short of agony.
   I'm not sure when I told the kids Nic wouldn't be coming home for a while or even what I said. I remember reminding them how much he loved them. I didn't want them to feel abandoned by him at all. I know they could sense the tension and stress in the air and I know they saw my tears. I was so worried about protecting them and shielding them from all of the pain. I knew it was inevitable that they would feel some pain but I wanted to believe I could protect them from it. My daughter was a wreck that first week. She cried every night for daddy. She couldn't sleep. I have never seen her more distraught. I believe she put two and two together and realized that she told somebody what he did and then he was gone. She would cry to me every single night. I would always reassure her that daddy loved her. Every single time she had a meltdown I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. How do I convince this little girl that it isn't her fault? How do I make her see that she is innocent? How do I let her know that he didn't love her the right way a daddy should? I would lay there awake at night wondering how I, Celeste, who was such an imperfect parent and person was supposed to help these perfect children heal.
   I don't remember much else about that week in fact I was prompted to keep a planner with notes to write down details. I'm so thankful I did because most of that week is completely gone from my memory. The one thing I do remember is my mom came up from Utah on Monday the 26th. I had braved 2 nights alone with my kids and I was craving some help and comfort that only a mother can give. I remember I was folding laundry in my room when I heard my kids let my mom in. She came up the stairs and all I did was look at her before I burst into tears. She held me while I sobbed on her shoulder and I felt all of the pain and sadness I'd kept in those last 2 days come out all at once. In that moment I felt like a child who'd fallen and skinned their knee and wanted mommy to make it better. In a lot of ways she did make it better.
  According to my planner I had fasted twice that week and attended the temple twice. I don't remember that either. I don't remember praying, though I know I did. I don't remember church that first Sunday or if I even went. I lived mostly in a fog of shock that week. I'm certain Tory, my sister, brother, and sister-in-law were over but those memories are also gone.
   The time for the interview came and I took my daughter to the Justice Center which I never even knew existed in my town. I still wish I didn't know it existed. She was pretty nervous. I prepped her on the way over basically just saying, "Some really nice people want to talk to you and ask you some questions." Really basic and simple. They didn't want her to be scared or to be swayed one way or the other. That was another really hard thing. I couldn't talk to her at all that first week about what she said Nic had done. As a parent my first instinct when something bad happens to my child is to ask them about it and comfort them. I felt so helpless. We walked into the Justice Center and she was given a comfort blanket and allowed to go play in the toy room while they went over some of the details of what would be happening during the interview. I wasn't allowed to be with her because sometimes kids are scared to say things in front of their parents. I also couldn't watch the interview from behind the glass because some parents in the past had lost control while watching their kids get interviewed. I was left in a little room while they took her back. I sat there praying and waiting for what seemed like forever. Finally the detective and social worker came in and read to me what was said in the interview and told me about her responses. She told them a little but she didn't talk the way they needed her to. She kept saying, "I don't remember." Without a solid testimony from her and no evidence we were dead in the water. That meant that the case would close and even if Nic was really guilty without proof he would be free to come home again. I was panicked. I had a hunch he did it and I could never feel comfortable letting him back in unless I was 100% positive he hadn't harmed our child. What if he did it again? What if he said something to her and scared her? They advised I put her in counseling and hopefully she would eventually open up and we could re-open the case. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed to protect my babies. One time was one time too many. I would've  rather disappeared with my kids leaving everybody I loved behind than let them get hurt again or expose them to the possibility. I had a mother bear instinct kick in and a righteous anger. I went home and dropped to my knees and told Heavenly Father, "I will NOT let them be hurt anymore. Please help me!" So I devised a plan. I was going to meet Nic and question him myself. He had opened up to me before about things and I was convinced I could get him to talk and when he did I was going to record him. They wanted proof and I was going to get to the bottom of this and get them proof.
    I had arranged to meet Nic at a restaurant later that evening. I made sure my mom and brother were both aware in case things went sour. We weren't sure what Nic's state of mind was or how he might react if he was backed into a corner. My mom was scared spit less. I was a bundle of nerves. My brother being the protector he is was giving me all kinds of little safety tips and warnings. I began to shake. I had never in my life done something so bold. I had my brother give me another priesthood blessing.
    When I got to the restaurant I turned on the recording device and hid it in my purse. Seeing Nic was hard. I hadn't seen him since the accusations were made. We sat across from each other. We were both crying. I kept asking him, "Is it true?" He would always say no. "Why would she say that Nic?" "I don't know." It turned out to be another dead end in the evidence department. He kept saying he didn't do it and he couldn't wait to get home. He loved us so much. He missed me. We would do things differently. All of this was said with sadness and tears in his eyes. I do believe he was sincere in his emotion but that night I knew for sure he was lying. As I sat staring into his eyes, both of us crying in the middle of a restaurant the spirit said, "Something is not right. He isn't being truthful." I could feel it in every bone of my body that he was being dishonest.
    Sometimes when we know we've done something really wrong we lie. We lie to others because we don't want to get in trouble. We lie to others because we don't want to hurt them. The worst lie is the lie we tell to ourselves. We can't fully repent until we admit what we've done wrong in all of its honesty. I KNOW Nic meant every word he said. He fully intended to do things differently. He had convinced himself that he would never do it again and he would change. He would read his scriptures, go to the temple more, pray more often, be kinder at home. The problem is it doesn't work like that. God knows all and there are consequences to be paid either in this life or the life to come. Nic didn't want to pay those consequences. Why would he? I mean honestly who wants to admit to that? I have thought long and hard about why he had to pay the consequences. Why couldn't it be as easy as just doing better, being better? For one thing he broke the law and there are repercussions for doing so but on a spiritual note it goes beyond that.

        D&C 82:3
        For of him unto whom
        much is given much is
        required; and he who sins
        against the greater light shall
        receive the greater condemnation.

       D&C 82:10
       I, the Lord, am bound
       when ye do what I say; but
       when ye do not what I say, ye
       have no promise.

Nic had the greater light. He had made sacred covenants which means more was required of him. He didn't uphold his end of the promise so therefore he had no promise from Heavenly Father. He had to confess in full honesty his mistakes and receive his consequences or "condemnation". After doing so and being humbled sufficiently, being better and living better then come into play.
    The lies we tell ourselves are often the real cause of our downfall. It's not always the sin itself it's lying to ourselves about the severity of the sin or lying to ourselves that if we bury it deep enough it will go away. I'm here to tell you that's not the case. Honesty is soooo big! Be honest with others but most of all be honest with yourself and with Heavenly Father! How do we expect Him to trust us if we won't tell Him the truth? Lies keep light away. If you have an addiction or a serious problem and someone asks you about it and you lie they can't help you. The same goes with lies to yourself and Heavenly Father. You cannot help yourself if you lie about your problem. Heavenly Father cannot help you if you lie to Him about your problem. I've made A LOT of mistakes and they always got worse and I made even more mistakes when I lied to myself and my Heavenly Father. It's not always easy to tell the truth and it's definitely not fun. When I was a kid I told a lot of whoppers. My siblings could tell you all of the crazy lies I told. There are actually some pretty comical ones. I got caught in quite a few of those whoppers. Finally I realized as hard as it is to tell the truth it is easier than getting caught. *lightbulb* That was an "ah ha moment" for me. The feeling you get when you lie and get caught is so much worse. I always felt so much better for at least having a shred of decency and telling the truth about what I'd done than having no dignity and getting caught.
   My point is the moment we decide to be honest the help and the light start to come back in. I cannot stress enough how much honesty means to me now. I know Heavenly Father will always help us even when we've made mistakes. He loves us and He WANTS to help us but we have to let Him and tell the truth no matter how hard that may be. It is never too late to decide to live an honest life. Ask yourself what lies do you tell Him? What lies do you tell yourself? Sometimes they're as simple as a lie about your worth. I know it is common for women, myself included, to think we aren't good enough. Not skinny enough, not patient enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, etc. That, my friends, is a lie!! Other times the lie is on a bigger scale like the severity of a sin or addiction like I previously mentioned. No matter how big or small the lies we tell ourselves are they need to stop!! STOP!! You ARE good enough!! That WAS bad!! You CAN repent!! Now for a truth; He loves you! He will NEVER stop loving you!! You could go out tomorrow and kill a guy and He would love you. You could gain 100 pounds and He would love you. Just as a parent would never stop loving their child He will not stop loving you. His love for you is infinite and unconditional!  Don't forget His love and don't forget that lies are the wedge between you and His love.