Cold, Hard, Ugly Truth

So here it is, the cold, hard, ugly truth; the real reason I haven't felt like keeping up on my blog is I am afraid of being vulnerable. Somewhere along the way I distorted things in my head and began to feel like I could only write when I was feeling strong or when I had answers or insights that might help others. I had to be inspiring and I wasn't feeling inspired. The truth is I haven't felt strong in a very long time. I think I am more like my mom than I even realized. She was notorious for responding with, "I'm okay" when she really wasn't. In fact, if she said those words we knew she really wasn't. The truth is I'm not always okay and that is okay. The truth is I don't have all the answers or even a handful of them. The truth is my faith is being tested. The truth is I have good days and bad days. The truth is I still have breakdowns once in a while.

Today we sold my mom's house. I went to the title company and picked up a pen and signed my name in all the right places. Except, they weren't really the right places because I shouldn't have had to sign my name at all. Those documents shouldn't have even existed. A sign should never have been stuck in her yard. She should never have gotten sick. She should still be alive! I have had so many conflicting feelings as I process all of the changes that have taken place. I am still having trouble accepting her death. This is grief. These are the emotions people deal with after the funeral is over and everyone has gone home. Life goes on and we're expected to move on with it. I'm trying. Some days it's literally putting one foot in front of the other.

As quickly as negative thoughts come, they are replaced with thoughts of gratitude. "Thank you God for letting me care for her! Thank you God for letting her be my mother! Thank you God for her life and the impact it has had on mine." In the end the gratitude always wins out. I would go through all of the pain a thousand times over for the opportunity to serve her again! For me, love and gratitude will always conquer hate and pain. 

That being said, in the months following her death I have started 17 different blog posts attempting to express my feelings only to stop a few sentences in. Grief is complicated and I've been ashamed that I don't have it all together. "Where is my faith?", "Do I or do I not believe I'll see her again?", "How could God do this to our family?" "I have been doing all the right things, I am a good person and this is how God repays me?", "Haven't we suffered enough?", "Forget about me, how could God do this to my kids?" Even now knowing that these thoughts are a normal part of grief I still feel guilty for having thought them. I have screamed and cursed God's name more times than I care to admit as I wept in a blind rage that my mom, my best friend in the entire world was taken from me too soon. Then came the shame... I KNOW the truth! I have seen miracles firsthand in my life. I CANNOT deny God's existence nor His love for me and yet when my mom passed away I wondered why He didn't care about me. I wondered where He was when I needed Him. After all we had already lost this didn't feel like love. If He was real and could really see me than why did I continue to hurt so much? Why couldn't He throw me a bone and give me a break? I found myself feeling certain I could not write about these thoughts because they were too dark, too moody and who would they help? No, I would have to process the feelings of anger and abandonment silently and privately.

So why am I writing about those feelings now? I'm still not on the other side of this trial. I guess the answer is the same reason I started this blog in the very first place. I want to help someone, even if it's just one person. Hiding my true feelings and brushing them under the rug so that I appear like I'm doing okay doesn't help anybody. Life isn't a perfect package and grief isn't something we can orchestrate. I am making gains with my happiness. I feel myself slowly healing and progressing towards the happiness I know will be mine. Despite the sadness, I have never stopped laughing even when my heart feels heaviest. Most people around me probably had no idea how much I was hurting. I wasn't faking laughter or forcing happiness it just wasn't lasting joy. The moment I was alone with my thoughts I would feel depressed again. I know based on previous experience with losing my dad that one day I'll find that my heart feels light again and laughter fills my soul, not just the moment I'm in. I think I'm over the darkest part of it now, for the first time in a while I feel hope. I want to share that hope with others. I want those that are grieving and possibly thinking some of the same thoughts that I have felt so ashamed of to know that they are not alone! God hasn't abandoned us no matter how much it feels that way (more to come on this later). Today is an important step for me because I'm choosing to be open again, I'm choosing to be vulnerable. Today I choose to be honest and admit I still have fears and doubts. Ironically admitting those fears and doubts is precisely what makes me grow stronger and feel braver. Remembering that I have a Savior who atoned for my pain, my fear, and my shame is the first step to becoming fearless!

Truth Time : My Biggest Secrets and Fears.

   Self esteem. I have been debating about whether or not to blog about this particular topic for a while. Honestly it has been something I have struggled with on and off throughout my life. I knew that blogging about it meant being completely vulnerable and even bringing to light some things I'm ashamed of. I have had this nagging feeling all morning that I needed to sit down and blog about it. It is a very real issue that A LOT of people struggle with.
    Time to get real. I've told ya'll that I'm not perfect and this experience that I'm about to share is exhibit A. I'm highly embarrassed to share it but I do think it could be of some worth and value to someone so here goes nothing.
    Once I started thinking about the possibility of having another relationship someday I began to start feeling incredibly insecure. The thoughts in my head went a little like this,  "I am this 28 year old mom with 4 kids already who has no job and no college education. I am not nearly as fit and in shape as I'd like to be. What man would be attracted to me?" Then I made the worst decision I've made during this process: I joined a popular dating app. One of those swipe left or right if you think this person is attractive things. My intention was NEVER to find someone to date or even flirt with. My sole reason for joining it was solely because I was insecure and I wanted to know if men even thought I was attractive. (Seriously I am so humiliated). No matter what my intention was it was a DUMB thing to do especially while still technically married. I never met any of these guys or had a relationship with them. I had a couple of them who tried to get me to meet them but I realized that I was in jeopardy of seriously violating my temple covenants and I was not okay with that. It didn't take me long to delete the account and I've never looked back. My point though is, why did I feel the need to be validated from men solely based on my looks, so much so, that I made a choice that was very contrary to my personal integrity? When did what men thought of me become more important than my values? It was a real eye opener for me.
   As a teenager I fell in love for the first time with an older boy. We talked about all kinds of spiritual things and I felt he really valued me as a daughter of God. He went on a mission and wrote me faithfully every single week for 2 years. I was certain I was going to marry him. I didn't. My dad died and I was dealing with stuff when he got home and he had his own personal stuff to sort through. One day I got a phone call and he admitted to me that he had chosen a different path for himself. He was no longer active in church and wasted no time finding another girl that was the opposite of me in every way. I was devastated! It rocked my self esteem to the core. How could he love me and say all of those things and then one day, just like that, not anymore? Even more confusing to me how could he have such an amazing testimony and then just lose it in a matter of weeks? I felt so rejected, he knew everything in my heart and ultimately chose something else.
   Fast forward to my relationship with Nic and the abuse. 1. When does anyone ever feel good about themselves when the person you love chooses pornography or some other perversion? 2. You begin to wonder if you weren't enough. Were you not attractive enough? Was there something wrong with what you were doing in the relationship? 3. Why didn't Nic love me and our life we had created enough to fight harder against his temptations?  I felt like I had been rejected not once, but twice by the only two men I had ever loved romantically. My self esteem was completely tanked for a while there.
  I knew if I was ever going to have the kind of relationship I really wanted that I needed to fix my self esteem on my own. Me, not a man. I've found that as I've delved deeper into the gospel that I've found my self esteem. My worth is not defined by how many heads I turn but from simply being Heavenly Father's daughter. It is a concept I always knew and was familiar with. A concept I had even taught in Young Women's and yet I hadn't received it to be true in my heart. I've spent hours praying to become who He would have me be. I've poured my soul out to Him about all of my insecurities. It wasn't until I made it a personal matter of prayer that I gained that knowledge in my heart. I have learned for myself that neither one of my relationships ending had anything to do with me not being good enough. I have always been worthy of love. And it certainly had nothing to do with my appearance. I think as women we far too often place our value ,unintentionally, in our appearance. Do I try to look nice? yes. Do I want to be healthy and fit? yes. However, those things are not who I am. They are not my identity! You want to know who I am, read this blog from start to finish. I am a Daughter of a Heavenly Father and that alone is enough! I have literally knelt down in prayer to Him and begged Him to help me see that being His daughter is where my self esteem should come from. I have pleaded with Him to help me be content with myself. I have asked that if it should be in His plan for me that He will direct me to a man who sees my heart and finds my heart more beautiful than my face. I don't want to be loved because I'm pretty. I don't want to be loved for any one trait.  I want to be loved because of all the unique qualities and talents He has blessed me with. I want to be loved because of what I have to give. I want to be loved because I am doing my very best to be a valiant daughter of a King!
   Since I have discovered my self esteem I have even viewed men differently. So they're good looking, so what? What do they have in their heart? Are they good and kind? I have begun to be so much more respectful of men and I no longer lust after celebrities the way I once did. (again embarrassed). I used to feel such a boost when I noticed someone checking me out. I still see heads turn now and again but I really don't care. I am so much more than my physical appearance, whether its good or bad! I do believe there has to be some sort of initial mutual attraction to start a relationship but that attraction doesn't always come from being classically good looking. What I find attractive is confidence and the light of Christ in their eyes. I was telling my YW on Sunday that you need to become what you want to attract. I want a man who is confident in His identity as a Son of God and has a personal relationship with Him so I need that to be where my confidence comes from. I have always had a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. What I lacked was the ability to see past certain experiences in my life and identify my worth solely in His love for me.
   I sure hope this helps someone otherwise I have completely exposed my darkest secrets and fears to the world for naught. Haha! Now that I've written it for literally anyone to read I have a sense of peace. I am who I am, I've been where I've been, and nothing is going to stop me from continuing to progress even closer to my Savior. There's no fear in the past only faith in the future.  I plead with anyone who is struggling with their self worth to turn to the Savior! I know the feeling of insecurity and self doubt all too well and it hurts me to think of others feeling that way. Please don't sell yourself short! You are so much more than a swipe left or right! You are more than the amount of head nods you do or don't get! You are more than the size of jeans you fit in! You are more than all of the things doubt and depression tells you that you are or aren't! Don't define yourself by your fears! Define yourself as a Child of God! The amazing thing about defining yourself that way is that there are no more comparisons. When you find your worth as a Child of God then you realize you are neither above or below anyone!!! We are all the same! All of us are equally loved and our worth doesn't change because of any one choice we have made or any choice we will make! Nothing that has ever happened to you can make you unlovable to Heavenly Father! Place your personal self esteem in the Savior and you can't go wrong!
  

You know I love me some Pinterest quotes ya'll!

One just for the men. I tend to direct most of my posts towards women.

 

The Unimaginable

    Nic confessed to me on a Thursday. The following Monday we went to a counseling appointment at LDS services. The counselor was incredible! I felt like he really understood me and then he would turn and talk to Nic and I felt like he had so much compassion for him. How he balanced both of our crazy emotions is beyond me. The counselor encouraged Nic to turn himself in to the authorities. Afterwards Nic and I got in my car and talked some more. More details began coming out about what had happened. The counselor really made Nic feel comfortable and he began spilling secrets like a leaky faucet. I was flabbergasted! I thought I already knew it all, how could there be more? I don't even remember what I said to Nic but I do remember I didn't cry. Once we were in our own separate vehicles and driving home the tears came.
   Since it was evident we weren't getting back together and some truths were out in the open I felt it was time to tell our friends what was happening. Most of our family already knew and had been praying and fasting for us. Nic and I had a close group of friends and they knew something was up with us. It was time they knew too. It was so hard to tell some of them. They were Nic's best friends. He had one friend in particular that he spent a lot of time with. I dreaded telling him. I learned a couple of things from telling family and friends. These are things that I already knew intellectually but they are now written on my heart.  1. When you make a really bad choice it is absolutely devastating to EVERYONE that loves you. The ripples of pain that it can cause is excruciating. 2.Sometimes it's worse to be the person not directly affected by a bad choice. Sometimes it kills you to watch it from the outside and not know what to do. When you really love and care about a person it is painful to watch them hurt, to know they're suffering and you can't do anything about it. This experience has cemented a lot of my relationships. I have had family, friends, and even acquaintances bleed for me and my little family.
    Days were going by and Nic still wasn't turning himself in. I was concerned because without some sort of evidence or confession we still didn't have any sort of case to go on. Yes he had confessed to me but it wasn't enough to prosecute him. Even though he was saying he was sorry I couldn't trust it and I knew something more needed to happen or he would get visitation with the kids without supervision. I had the hardest time wrapping my brain around his motives. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't turning himself in if he was really, truly sorry and repentant. If I had done something that horrific to one of my kids I would be turning myself in so fast and in complete despair. His words and his actions started to say different things. I'm not sure what happened to that Nic who was suicidal and felt Godly sorrow. I have wondered if Satan started placing other thoughts in his head that caused him to start justifying his actions. I held another fast that I would be able to protect my kids and that Nic would turn himself in.
    A couple more days went by and still Nic hadn't done it. I woke up one morning and was taking a shower when a very clear thought came to me, "you need to record him." I had already done that and failed. I continued getting ready and I couldn't shake the impression that I needed to record his confession that very day. He'd already said it all once and I didn't know if he would trust me enough to say it all over again. He knew that I felt really strongly about him turning himself in to the authorities. I called him within the hour and made arrangements to meet him that night at his parents house after the kids went to bed. That day dragged on and on. I was so nervous!! I wasn't a spy or an undercover agent, why did I think I could do this? We weren't meeting at a public place and what if he discovered that I was recording him? I would have to put the recording device fairly close to where he would be sitting. Finally the time came to head over there. When I got about a block away I pulled over and hit record then hid the device on a built in shelf right underneath the car stereo. I couldn't stop shaking. I said a prayer to calm my nerves and that once again I would be able to say the right things. I called to let him know I was close and he came out. I parked in front of the house and I started the conversation by talking about some logistics. We needed to file taxes. At some point I began to ask him questions about our daughter. The questions came out effortlessly and the conversation flowed smoothly and calmly. A few times he moved his hand close to that center shelf and my heart rate would quicken a little. He never did find the device and when he got out of the car I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten him to repeat clearly and in detail all of the abuse. I should say the Lord had done it. He really was the one who had guided me and told me what to say. I was about a block away when Nic called. "Hey I was just wondering did you by chance record me?" My stomach twisted and my blood pressure spiked. "Crap he knows. What do I do?" I panicked. I was only a block away and I was really afraid for my safety at that moment. I don't know if he would've done anything to me but I had seen his anger and wrath before. Flashes of 20/20 episodes came to mind, this was stuff people killed over. "No, I didn't record you."  I drove towards home in record time. I wanted to put distance between us. I later felt so guilty about lying, even if it was to protect my kids, that once I turned in a copy of the recording to the authorities I called Nic and told him what I'd done.
   Since that day I've listened to that recording only twice. It does not even sound like my voice. My voice sounds so calm and soothing with very little inflection. Again I was guided. I still look back on those experiences in complete awe. I can't believe that was me, not a spy, not a detective but me. It is amazing what we are capable of when Heavenly Father is guiding us!!! He can transform us into anything we need to be. I in no way think I am on the same platform as Nephi but I couldn't help but think about Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. He had never killed a man before and he didn't want to slay Laban. It seemed to be so contrary to Nephi's basic nature and demeanor to kill a man. He doubted his ability to follow the command. The spirit reassured him and gave him the command again. Nephi was able to do the unthinkable with the help of the Lord. I felt strongly that I had done the unthinkable. It is not my nature to be sneaky and secretive. In both instances there was a greater good to be accomplished. Had I ignored that prompting to record Nic my kids would be at risk and Nic wouldn't be getting the help he really needs. Sometimes faith requires doing the unimaginable. When we trust in Him we can be transformed and given special gifts and talents that we don't normally possess. I learned a powerful lesson about faith that night.

  
   

The Lies We Tell

  CPS came on Friday the 23rd and scheduled to have my daughter come in on Thursday the 29th for interviewing. It was one day short of a week. It was the longest week of my life! They dropped this bomb on me that my husband may or may not have abused our daughter and then they left me with no further details or answers until the following Thursday. I didn't know what to do. Should I talk to family and friends and tell them what happened? What if it wasn't true and then everyone was paranoid around Nic. I have heard that apparently I was pretty lucky. Usually they don't have an opening to interview the victims that quickly. My heart truly hurts for those families that have to wait and wonder. It is nothing short of agony.
   I'm not sure when I told the kids Nic wouldn't be coming home for a while or even what I said. I remember reminding them how much he loved them. I didn't want them to feel abandoned by him at all. I know they could sense the tension and stress in the air and I know they saw my tears. I was so worried about protecting them and shielding them from all of the pain. I knew it was inevitable that they would feel some pain but I wanted to believe I could protect them from it. My daughter was a wreck that first week. She cried every night for daddy. She couldn't sleep. I have never seen her more distraught. I believe she put two and two together and realized that she told somebody what he did and then he was gone. She would cry to me every single night. I would always reassure her that daddy loved her. Every single time she had a meltdown I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. How do I convince this little girl that it isn't her fault? How do I make her see that she is innocent? How do I let her know that he didn't love her the right way a daddy should? I would lay there awake at night wondering how I, Celeste, who was such an imperfect parent and person was supposed to help these perfect children heal.
   I don't remember much else about that week in fact I was prompted to keep a planner with notes to write down details. I'm so thankful I did because most of that week is completely gone from my memory. The one thing I do remember is my mom came up from Utah on Monday the 26th. I had braved 2 nights alone with my kids and I was craving some help and comfort that only a mother can give. I remember I was folding laundry in my room when I heard my kids let my mom in. She came up the stairs and all I did was look at her before I burst into tears. She held me while I sobbed on her shoulder and I felt all of the pain and sadness I'd kept in those last 2 days come out all at once. In that moment I felt like a child who'd fallen and skinned their knee and wanted mommy to make it better. In a lot of ways she did make it better.
  According to my planner I had fasted twice that week and attended the temple twice. I don't remember that either. I don't remember praying, though I know I did. I don't remember church that first Sunday or if I even went. I lived mostly in a fog of shock that week. I'm certain Tory, my sister, brother, and sister-in-law were over but those memories are also gone.
   The time for the interview came and I took my daughter to the Justice Center which I never even knew existed in my town. I still wish I didn't know it existed. She was pretty nervous. I prepped her on the way over basically just saying, "Some really nice people want to talk to you and ask you some questions." Really basic and simple. They didn't want her to be scared or to be swayed one way or the other. That was another really hard thing. I couldn't talk to her at all that first week about what she said Nic had done. As a parent my first instinct when something bad happens to my child is to ask them about it and comfort them. I felt so helpless. We walked into the Justice Center and she was given a comfort blanket and allowed to go play in the toy room while they went over some of the details of what would be happening during the interview. I wasn't allowed to be with her because sometimes kids are scared to say things in front of their parents. I also couldn't watch the interview from behind the glass because some parents in the past had lost control while watching their kids get interviewed. I was left in a little room while they took her back. I sat there praying and waiting for what seemed like forever. Finally the detective and social worker came in and read to me what was said in the interview and told me about her responses. She told them a little but she didn't talk the way they needed her to. She kept saying, "I don't remember." Without a solid testimony from her and no evidence we were dead in the water. That meant that the case would close and even if Nic was really guilty without proof he would be free to come home again. I was panicked. I had a hunch he did it and I could never feel comfortable letting him back in unless I was 100% positive he hadn't harmed our child. What if he did it again? What if he said something to her and scared her? They advised I put her in counseling and hopefully she would eventually open up and we could re-open the case. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed to protect my babies. One time was one time too many. I would've  rather disappeared with my kids leaving everybody I loved behind than let them get hurt again or expose them to the possibility. I had a mother bear instinct kick in and a righteous anger. I went home and dropped to my knees and told Heavenly Father, "I will NOT let them be hurt anymore. Please help me!" So I devised a plan. I was going to meet Nic and question him myself. He had opened up to me before about things and I was convinced I could get him to talk and when he did I was going to record him. They wanted proof and I was going to get to the bottom of this and get them proof.
    I had arranged to meet Nic at a restaurant later that evening. I made sure my mom and brother were both aware in case things went sour. We weren't sure what Nic's state of mind was or how he might react if he was backed into a corner. My mom was scared spit less. I was a bundle of nerves. My brother being the protector he is was giving me all kinds of little safety tips and warnings. I began to shake. I had never in my life done something so bold. I had my brother give me another priesthood blessing.
    When I got to the restaurant I turned on the recording device and hid it in my purse. Seeing Nic was hard. I hadn't seen him since the accusations were made. We sat across from each other. We were both crying. I kept asking him, "Is it true?" He would always say no. "Why would she say that Nic?" "I don't know." It turned out to be another dead end in the evidence department. He kept saying he didn't do it and he couldn't wait to get home. He loved us so much. He missed me. We would do things differently. All of this was said with sadness and tears in his eyes. I do believe he was sincere in his emotion but that night I knew for sure he was lying. As I sat staring into his eyes, both of us crying in the middle of a restaurant the spirit said, "Something is not right. He isn't being truthful." I could feel it in every bone of my body that he was being dishonest.
    Sometimes when we know we've done something really wrong we lie. We lie to others because we don't want to get in trouble. We lie to others because we don't want to hurt them. The worst lie is the lie we tell to ourselves. We can't fully repent until we admit what we've done wrong in all of its honesty. I KNOW Nic meant every word he said. He fully intended to do things differently. He had convinced himself that he would never do it again and he would change. He would read his scriptures, go to the temple more, pray more often, be kinder at home. The problem is it doesn't work like that. God knows all and there are consequences to be paid either in this life or the life to come. Nic didn't want to pay those consequences. Why would he? I mean honestly who wants to admit to that? I have thought long and hard about why he had to pay the consequences. Why couldn't it be as easy as just doing better, being better? For one thing he broke the law and there are repercussions for doing so but on a spiritual note it goes beyond that.

        D&C 82:3
        For of him unto whom
        much is given much is
        required; and he who sins
        against the greater light shall
        receive the greater condemnation.

       D&C 82:10
       I, the Lord, am bound
       when ye do what I say; but
       when ye do not what I say, ye
       have no promise.

Nic had the greater light. He had made sacred covenants which means more was required of him. He didn't uphold his end of the promise so therefore he had no promise from Heavenly Father. He had to confess in full honesty his mistakes and receive his consequences or "condemnation". After doing so and being humbled sufficiently, being better and living better then come into play.
    The lies we tell ourselves are often the real cause of our downfall. It's not always the sin itself it's lying to ourselves about the severity of the sin or lying to ourselves that if we bury it deep enough it will go away. I'm here to tell you that's not the case. Honesty is soooo big! Be honest with others but most of all be honest with yourself and with Heavenly Father! How do we expect Him to trust us if we won't tell Him the truth? Lies keep light away. If you have an addiction or a serious problem and someone asks you about it and you lie they can't help you. The same goes with lies to yourself and Heavenly Father. You cannot help yourself if you lie about your problem. Heavenly Father cannot help you if you lie to Him about your problem. I've made A LOT of mistakes and they always got worse and I made even more mistakes when I lied to myself and my Heavenly Father. It's not always easy to tell the truth and it's definitely not fun. When I was a kid I told a lot of whoppers. My siblings could tell you all of the crazy lies I told. There are actually some pretty comical ones. I got caught in quite a few of those whoppers. Finally I realized as hard as it is to tell the truth it is easier than getting caught. *lightbulb* That was an "ah ha moment" for me. The feeling you get when you lie and get caught is so much worse. I always felt so much better for at least having a shred of decency and telling the truth about what I'd done than having no dignity and getting caught.
   My point is the moment we decide to be honest the help and the light start to come back in. I cannot stress enough how much honesty means to me now. I know Heavenly Father will always help us even when we've made mistakes. He loves us and He WANTS to help us but we have to let Him and tell the truth no matter how hard that may be. It is never too late to decide to live an honest life. Ask yourself what lies do you tell Him? What lies do you tell yourself? Sometimes they're as simple as a lie about your worth. I know it is common for women, myself included, to think we aren't good enough. Not skinny enough, not patient enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, etc. That, my friends, is a lie!! Other times the lie is on a bigger scale like the severity of a sin or addiction like I previously mentioned. No matter how big or small the lies we tell ourselves are they need to stop!! STOP!! You ARE good enough!! That WAS bad!! You CAN repent!! Now for a truth; He loves you! He will NEVER stop loving you!! You could go out tomorrow and kill a guy and He would love you. You could gain 100 pounds and He would love you. Just as a parent would never stop loving their child He will not stop loving you. His love for you is infinite and unconditional!  Don't forget His love and don't forget that lies are the wedge between you and His love.