Arrested

  If I wasn't at home those first few months then it seemed like I was at the Family Justice Center. I had all kinds of appointments there : case management (which is basically checking in to make sure you're okay) and a lot of appointments with the detectives. One of the final times I went there was to turn in the recording I had gotten of Nic's confession. It was so weird to hand over a confession that I knew would be the nail in his coffin. I needed to protect my kids so I knew it was necessary but still it gave me a pang to turn him in. It was so surreal.
  Now that they had proof they were able to issue a warrant for his arrest. What most people don't realize is that it doesn't happen quickly like on TV. It took a couple of weeks to get the warrant. Those weeks were so long! I was on pins and needles wondering when it would happen. Finally the day came. On March 25th Nic was arrested, a little over two months since I found out about the accusations. I'm going to share my journal entry from that night.
  
   " About an hour ago, so 11:30 pm, I was getting ready for bed when someone rang my doorbell. I froze and my adrenaline instantly spiked. Who would be at my door at 11:30 pm? I called my close friend Jaynee and told her someone was at my door. She lives in my neighborhood and I knew she could be over quickly if I needed her. As I was talking to her they started knocking on the door. I peaked out the top window and saw a police officer. Jaynee still on the phone, I answered the door. They were looking for Nic. I informed them that Nic didn't live here and they said they were on their way to go talk to him, which I knew meant arrest him. They said I shouldn't call him or his family and let them know they were coming.
   So here I am an hour later wondering if he's already been arrested. Blah! I hate everything about this situation! I have so many mixed feelings. Relief that he's finally paying some legal consequences and the process is moving forward. Anxiety for reasons I can't explain. Sadness for the point this has come to. Fear for what will happen to him and how he'll be treated. Fear for my kids and how this is going to affect them one day. Guilt for feeling bad for him. Should I feel bad when he did what he did? But mostly I feel sadness. Sadness that someone I truly loved and really saw eternity with is now being arrested for hurting our daughter.
  I had a flashback to a memory of another night when someone rang my doorbell and knocked on the door late at night and I was frightened. It was April 2009 and I was nine months pregnant with our second baby. Nic was working in Iraq at the time and I hadn't seen him for 6 months. I was afraid I was going to have the baby without him. I was on the phone that time too when the knock came. I was talking on the phone to Nic and when I opened my front door there he was on my porch! He had flown home early to surprise me so he didn't miss the birth of our son. Never in my life have I had such a wonderful surprise! These two nights are so similar but with very different endings. How ironic that that memory came to mind tonight.
  My heart truly grieves what we had and what we lost. My marriage to him was mostly hard but there were some sweet times and I truly believe he loved me. He was just so broken and could never love me and the kids the right way. How heartbreaking everything is."

   I didn't sleep at all that night.

  It has been a very heartbreaking thing to endure. I have often thought back to that night that Nic surprised me from Iraq. How did we go from that to this? When did he stop sliding down the hill and actually drop off the cliff? Satan is sneaky. He kept Nic in a position where he was right on the line. He knew exactly what to tell Nic to get him to justify his sins. Gradually he added in worse and worse temptations, one at a time, until eventually he got him to commit a horrible sin. At which point Nic fell off of the cliff. I imagine it just like hiking a steep mountain and you step on some loose rock and lose your balance and slide down the mountain a little bit. You can stop and catch yourself but if you're not careful and you don't watch your step you will step on loose rock again and continue to slide. Eventually if you keep making the same mistake as to not pay attention to where you're stepping you will slide to the bottom or even fall down the mountain. Here's where the Atonement comes in : you can always climb back up that mountain! It's so much harder to climb it with an injury but you can climb it. Going up is always more work than coming down. You have to exert more energy to go up whereas coming down is always easier with gravity on your side. The secret is that the view is always better from the top! How much better and sweeter is that view when you've had to work so hard to see it? My hope is that Nic, and anyone who's lost their footing, will find the courage and strength to accept the Atonement in their lives and climb the mountain again no matter how difficult it may be or how long it takes.

  

I've been waiting for you!

    The end of a relationship can be scary and confusing especially if that relationship ended unexpectedly. I continued to go to the counselor at LDS services for a few months without Nic. I had already decided there was no hope for the marriage but there were so many conflicting, lingering feelings. I often felt so lost and confused but once I started talking to my counselor he helped me see that I already knew the answers. He was a great listener and it was life saving to have someone neutral with no personal investment to hash it out with. One of my biggest fears that we addressed was how to avoid getting in a toxic relationship again. I had been very deeply hurt and my wounds were still so raw. I was TERRIFIED of relationships. I didn't want one ever again! I was fully prepared to focus on my schooling and advance myself in the career of my choice and be completely content to devote all of my free time to my kids. After a few sessions of talking about this topic finally my counselor just came out with it, he gently said, "Is that really what you want? One day you could be very happy in a relationship. Relationships are hard but they aren't usually as hard as yours was." The wall I had been building up came crashing down and tears streamed down my face, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so forgiving and nonjudgmental that I don't usually view someone's past as red flags or warning signs. Everyone has a past so how do I know they are sincerely a good person?" What he said next is something I will not forget when the time comes for me to date. He said, "It's true that everyone has a past. What matters is that you pay attention to who he is now and his motives. Is he still in the process of figuring out who he is or does he know who he is? Is he going to church more now because of you or has he been going consistently for a block of time before you? He should have a desire in him to be better than he was yesterday before you even enter the picture." I found this to be pretty sound advice. It seemed to just click with me deep down. It's such a simple concept I had heard before but my fear had completely clouded my ability to understand it as it applied to me.
   I left that session that day with hope for my future. For the first time since I received the awful news in January I began to believe I could have another relationship again and this time it would be better. For the first time in months I began to trust myself and my judgment. Most importantly I began to realize that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and shutting down in fear and bitterness was not in the blueprints. I began to heal that day.
  Here I am months later and I just attended the temple yesterday and as I sat in the Celestial room I was reminded again that Heavenly Father is directing my paths. I received many deeply personal and sacred revelations as I meditated there with a prayer in my heart. The veil felt very thin and it was almost as if I could see my life unfolding. There are no words adequate enough to describe the love one can feel from Heavenly Father in the temple.
   If you have been hurt it is so scary to let those walls down. Trust me I know. I also know I wasn't really happy being cynical. My life was being run by my fear. Thankfully, because I had a good counselor, it didn't take me too long to realize that wasn't a way to live. Marriage is tough but it was always meant to be a blessing to us. Since Adam and Eve it was always intended to enrich our lives and help us obtain eternal salvation. We were never meant to go through life alone. Let down your walls! Be brave and fearless and let God's wisdom direct you in the relationships you choose. Personal prayer and revelation can and should guide you to make wise decisions provided you are obedient to the revelations you receive. Old habits sometimes make me doubt how much I deserve a happy relationship. "Is it really possible for me? What do I have to offer that is so special?" Those thoughts come from Satan! Whenever I kneel in prayer or attend the temple those thoughts dissipate as quickly as they formed. Heavenly Father always reminds me of my worth and what I have to offer and what a relationship has to offer me. Satan wants us to be miserable. He wants us to be alone and bitter. Don't let him in! You are a child of God with unique and divine attributes and you are worth loving! I have seen far too many people get out of a bad relationship with little to no self esteem left. Be proud of who you are because of where you came from. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND YOU DESERVE ALL OF THE BLESSINGS HEAVENLY FATHER HAS TO OFFER SO CLAIM THEM! I realize that His timing is different than our timing. Sometimes we have to wait much longer than we have wanted but don't allow a bad attitude to hide the opportunities that He may be trying to present to you.
    I don't know His timing for me. I could be single until I'm sixty. What I do know is that at some point, whether in this life or the next, I will have the opportunity to find my forever sweetheart. When that opportunity comes I'm not going to let depression and fear keep me from jumping in with both feet exclaiming, "I've been waiting for you!"
 

Humbly Listening

      I know that I can't be the only one who feels frustrated when answers don't seem to come quick enough. I had a rough few days where I felt bogged down with responsibility and pressure. I had been praying and praying for answers. Which job should I apply for? Who will care for my babies? Why can't I find a job? Should I take on more classes? Please, why isn't my house selling? Where will we live?  etc. etc.  I began to get really frustrated. Why wasn't I feeling any strong inspiration about any of these things? Finally I resigned myself to the idea that I just needed to keep being patient. That must be what I was supposed to learn.
   A few days ago one of my closest friend's sons received his mission call. Like a lot of missionaries families do they asked us to guess where he was going. I had made my guesses well in advance. The day his mission call came in the mail was so exciting. They had decided to open it later that evening with their family. Shortly before they opened it I was on my way to pick up a babysitter and I was blasting some country music, enjoying a short drive to the babysitter's house alone when a thought popped into my head. "North Carolina". I turned down the music and as soon as I pulled up to the babysitter's house I texted my friend and said, "I don't know why but I think I need to change my guess to North Carolina. It just popped in my head." I went on with my day. I picked up the sitter and my mom and I went grocery shopping. When I got home from the store I saw the text, "North Carolina, Charlotte mission." What?!?!? I was so excited for them but I couldn't figure out why I would get revelation about his mission. I actually got kind of annoyed. Seriously Heavenly Father, I am going to get revelation about this but not things I have been praying for that directly affect my life?! The next day the thought came to me, "Don't you see, Celeste, it's not about his mission. I have been giving you answers and revelation about your life the whole time and you doubted your ability to receive it."
   I was humbled. Heavenly Father had never left me without answers. I had "thoughts" and answers come to me often but had doubted that they were revelation. His mission call was a sure way Heavenly Father could prove to me that I could receive revelation and the right answers. When I was stubborn and blind to His answers He found a way to prove to me that the answers had been there all along. He could have left me in my stubbornness to eventually figure it out but He didn't. Tears filled my eyes as I realized how ungrateful and blind I had been. It was such a simple thing and through it He taught me a lesson. Listen. Trust. Those thoughts that come to my mind are often revelation. I don't need to overthink it so much. I feel so grateful for such a small, tender mercy that reminded me that He is constantly communicating to me.
  I can remember one particular time when I had heard a voice, an answer to a prayer and I didn't listen. I doubted my ability to receive personal revelation. I overanalyzed that answer and only further confused myself until I finally convinced myself what the answer was. I was wrong and unfortunately it caused a lot of pain. I have a tendency to do that, obviously. I overanalyze and get inside my head when the answer was already there the whole time. So I think it's good to have a reminder once in a while. I found this on pinterest and I've seen similar things at church before. The difference between God's voice and Satan's when it comes to personal revelation:

 

 

 

    I don't know why I find this so hard to remember. Satan is sneaky, he makes us question things and we begin to worry and obsess which leads to discouragement and ultimately we are pushed or rushed into a bad decision. When I reflect on this list it seems so obvious which is which. So why do we get so easily confused sometimes? I think for me it all starts with one thought. "What if you're making a mistake?" It's no secret I can be a pleaser. I want to always make everyone happy and always make all the right decisions so everyone will be proud of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone especially Heavenly Father. I put all of this pressure on myself to make the perfect decision. So I question and I wonder. Maybe it's different for you. Maybe something else is your weakness and causes you to make a bad choice or forgo the answers you've received. I challenge you to think about the ways Satan gets to you. What does he do to get you to question truth and light? Once you figure it out make a conscience effort to block his tactics. Trust in your Heavenly Father and humbly listen. If we are doing all we can He will not lead us astray or give us false answers. Sometimes our answer is to have patience. However, sometimes we already have the answer right in front of us and we refuse to recognize it.

   When I saw this list again all of these answers came flooding to me. I reflected on how I felt and the thoughts I had when I had made a particular decision or entertained one. All of a sudden the answers seemed to come easy to me. I still have a lot of decisions ahead of me to make but it is my hope that now that I've been reminded of these things that I will be more humble and wise in making those decisions.

 

 

    



The Choices We Make

    After writing my last post my day began to spiral downward. The stress of looking for a job, trying to sell my house, all of the legal stuff that comes with a divorce, and being my kids everything started to wear on me. It all seemed to beat down on me. So I loaded the kids up in the car to get some sunshine and run some errands. While I was sitting there in traffic my negative thoughts only got worse. "Why do you think you can blog to help others? What do you think you're doing? You can't even handle your own life and you're going to help other people?! Get a grip!" I began to feel like a terrible mother. I just sat there in the 100 degree weather, trying to ignore the fighting kids in the backseat and had a pity party for myself in the middle of traffic. I'm not sure how this thought came to me next but all of a sudden I reversed course and just said, "stop it Celeste!!!!" I began to remind myself that happiness was a choice not a destination. I began to listen to those screaming voices in the back seat and feel grateful I was the one that got to hear those screams (unpleasant as they are). I reflected on my financial concerns and reminded myself of all the times I didn't know how we were going to make it and then something came up that provided. I decided to turn on some happy music to keep this positive momentum going.
    It is true that I am no shining beacon on a hill. I am a far cry from perfect. I swear when I shouldn't. I throw myself pity parties. I lose my temper with my kids almost daily. I cannot stop myself from lusting after Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt and Sam Hunt (I could go on but the list is embarrassingly long). I am selfish. I waste far too much time with Dubsmash. I never take meals to anyone in my ward and in fact I do my best to avoid it (I don't really cook for my family either). The point is I am human. People often comment on how strong I am. The truth is I'm not always. I guess if being strong means you keep trying then yes I'm strong. I love my Heavenly Father and I will always try for Him. I am not a perfect person and will never be. I will probably offend you at some point if I haven't already. Bottom line today in the car I accepted those things about myself and I chose to keep trying to be better and to be happy despite them.
   Satan plays this game with me all of the time where he tries to get me to negate all of the good things I do because I did something not good. He tries to get me to feel bad and not believe in myself. I feel like the same thing happens to people like my ex, Nic. What he did was horrendous and much worse than anything most of us have done but does that discredit the good things he did? I don't think it does. I feel like once someone hears the term, "murderer" or "sex offender" that they instantly think bad person. They really might be but I don't know that. I'm not their judge. I don't know all. I guess I used to think things were so black and white. Good and bad. When you go through abuse or live it you realize there is actually a lot of gray. Nic and I had a lot of good times together. We had happy times. There were times he made me feel so loved. He was a terrific friend. He could be a great daddy. That is what makes this so complicated and difficult to process. That is why it is so hard for victims to leave their abusers. Ultimately the choices themselves that he made to abuse were black. They were really bad. There were other choices he made that were white and good. I think that's how we get the gray. It's too hard for me to sort it out and I can't do it. I'm not God. I don't know what was in his heart or how hard he tried to fight. As victims we simply have to get out. We have to say goodbye to the good parts because the flip side is too dangerous. We have to protect ourselves and especially our children. I don't support what he did. I will never understand what he did. It is an evil thing beyond my comprehension but I don't have to understand it. I just have to protect my kids and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting when it comes to abuse. Be smart and protect yourself. Don't go back. Abuse patterns are SO hard to break and change.
    All of this leads me to one topic: Choices. Some might say I had a right to have a pity party given the circumstances but I chose to be happy instead. The choice Nic made to engage in sexually abusive behavior was his downfall. He made a lot of good choices before that. Obviously, he married me. jk (I couldn't resist.) Seriously though he chose to get married in the temple. He chose to have a family. He chose to attend church. He chose to work to support his family. One stupid little choice can lead to another stupid choice and before you know it you're at the bottom because you've made a really big, bad choice. Be careful with what you choose!!!! Every choice we make matters. Every choice we make determines our next choice. Nic didn't wake up one day and decide he was going to abuse our daughter. He made a lot of poor little choices that led to that choice. It is never too late to pull a Celeste and say "Stop it!!" Stop the thought process in its tracks and turn it around. Don't let those bad thoughts win. Don't let yourself get to rock bottom. Don't even play with fire. As soon as you recognize something isn't right STOP! Choose light. Choose Christ. Choose to try.

                                           Proof that Nic made some good choices: