Which Part is Mine?

Healing from a tragedy takes time and often during the healing process we experience some sort of a trigger or a backslide. It had been over a year since that horrible day CPS and a detective showed up at my door when my little family experienced a major backslide emotionally.

It was the end of a long day with the kids and I was feeling strung out, overworked, and frazzled. It had been a tough week with the kids and I had been facing parenting difficulties with them that I didn't know how to tackle alone as a single parent.  It seemed that thing after thing was piling up and my load felt heavy. I was struggling to balance the needs my mom had with the needs of my four kids and I felt like I had let everyone down. I felt like a failure. Nevertheless, the dishes needed to be done one more time. The youngest was still in his high chair finishing up and the other kids were watching a cartoon in the other room while I diligently forced myself to finish the dishes. What happened next has happened many times before, in many homes and many families, and will continue to happen, I'm certain; the baby threw his bowl on the floor. I don't even remember what we ate that night what I do remember is that whatever it was splattered everywhere making a giant mess and creating one more thing I needed to do. I snapped, blind rage came over me and I threw the rag and dish back into the sink and immediately burst into tears. Then I proceeded to exclaim in between sobs, "Why? Just Why? I can't do it anymore! I quit! Nobody helps me! I'm all alone and it's too much! I'm done!"

I had made quite the scene and attracted the attention of the older three kids. They were staring at me with wide, tear filled eyes. My daughter walked over and put her little arms around my waist and then burst into tears of her own. "I miss daddy! I think I might have said something about him and now he's in trouble and can't be with us." What was happening?!? This was supposed to be my turn to tantrum and I thought she had worked through most of these feelings in counseling. I had triggered these feelings to come forward for her again. Guilt washed over me and I felt so discouraged that we were back to this place again. I needed to fix this, I led her to her room so we could talk without upsetting the little boys. I put my arms around her and prayed silently for strength to comfort her, to say the right things. I didn't feel worthy to be the one caring for her. I knew she deserved comfort and help and unfortunately I was all she had in that moment. I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for losing my cool and prayed that somehow I would know what to do.

"Just love her, let her cry, show her your pain and vulnerability".

So we cried. I held her and we just sobbed. Then the words started to flow from me, "I know baby, I know you miss daddy. It's not fair. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. I'm so sorry! I wanted childhood to be easier for you. Simple. It's not fair. This is not your fault. You are a brave little girl."

At some point my oldest son came in and started rubbing both of our backs. My SIX YEAR OLD was giving us comfort! My heart broke that he felt so much responsibility to do so at such a young age but it also surged with pride that he was so compassionate. I pulled the two of them in for a group hug and asked them if they thought it would be a good idea to say a prayer. They both nodded their heads so we knelt in prayer. Tears streamed down all of our cheeks as we prayed for comfort and we prayed for Nic, that he might know how much they still loved him and that he might truly repent so that he could see them again someday. In my heart I prayed that he might really see how special they are and how much he hurt them so that he can make it right someday and they might find peace regardless of his actions. (Again, I will NEVER put my children in a compromising situation. I won't force them to have a relationship with him ever. I believe they will each have their own journey in finding peace with him. I simply am hoping for him to work on fixing himself enough to try and do all that he can to help them heal and give them the kind of relationship they think they want with him in the future.)

That moment of prayer with my two oldest kids, although painful, bonded us even deeper. I felt the spirit so strongly testifying to me that I was doing enough. I was teaching them that sometimes we make mistakes and we don't always know the answer. I was teaching them to turn to the one person who did have the answers, their Heavenly Father. I was teaching them that it is okay to be sad sometimes. I was teaching them how to give comfort to others. I was doing better than I thought. So much love filled that little room where the three of us knelt in prayer.

That night when saying my personal prayers my heart was full of gratitude for His love and divine help raising His children. I might be a full time single mom but I am not raising my kids alone! Heavenly Father would always be there to fill in the gaps I am missing. What could have been a major setback for us turned into something that made us more unified and stronger as a family. Our backslide turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

As I've reflected back on that experience a song from Michael McLean comes to mind.



"Which Part is Mine?"

She was only a dairy man's daughter,
she was only a child of thirteen;
but the stars on the radio brightened her nights with a dream.
So she called up her best girlfriend Jenny
'cause she thought they would make quite a pair,
She said, "Let's you and me, try to sing harmony
at the amateur night at the fair."

But she only had the range of an alto,
so the part she knew best went to her friend.
And when Jenny's soprano drowned out the piano
they'd have to start over again.
And the dairyman's daughter would then say,

"Which part is mine?
and Jen, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time;
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
So please help me learn which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

She grew up and got married to Bobby
kept him working on his MBA
they had two little redheaded children,
and one on the way.

Everybody said she could work wonders,
and she wondered what everyone meant.
She played so many roles, it was taking its toll
and she feared that her time was misspent.

So she opened her heart to her husband.
They discussed everything on her list.
from the kids, to the job,
to her feelings for her Bob.
But what it really boiled down to was this: She said:

"Which part is mine?
and Bob, which part is yours?
Let's review it one more time;
I guess I"m not sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before
if we just define which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

Every sleepless night knows many mothers
who are wond'ring if they've done alright.
And the dairyman's daughter knew
more than a few of those nights.

Had she given her son too much freedom?
Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough
to prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens
and she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed
that her kids would be saved had a very familiar refrain.

Which part is mine?
And God, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
But it gets so confusing some times.
Should I do more, or trust the divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine,
and which part is yours.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
and to feel you near me.
It's all the answer
that I've been longing for.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
and to feel you near me.
after I've done my best,
I know you'll do the rest.
It is the answer that I've been longing for!


I had forgotten to play just my part. I had been trying to do it all because I thought I was the only one there was to do it all. I had forgotten about Heavenly Father's part! As a single parent I blurred the lines and it was easy for me to take ownership of more responsibility than I really needed to. I didn't have to be a perfect parent to make up for the parent they were missing. I just needed to do my best to love them the way only I can. My favorite part of that whole song is the line that goes, "after I've done my best, I know you'll do the rest." So much comfort flooded my heart when I realized I just have to do my best and that is enough. When I've done my part Heavenly Father will do the rest! I have spent many nights praying and wondering if I was enough to raise these four kids. Praying a good man would come along and help me, thinking if he didn't I wouldn't be able to successfully raise these kids alone. Now I know being a single parent does NOT mean I am raising them alone! I have faith that if I never remarry, or even if I do for that matter, that after I've done my best, He will do the rest!

Raising kids will undoubtedly be harder than I can even imagine. You never know the temptations and trials that they will face. They have already experienced very challenging things at such a young age. I'm certain it will be the hardest thing I ever do if I do it well. I don't know what their futures look like but I'm choosing to have faith that even when it doesn't seem like it, my faith and love combined with Heavenly Father's will work in their favor even when I can't see it. 

No Proof is Not Good Enough!

  I can't take it anymore! Since coming out with my story I have heard of far too many people who have been abused or are being abused and there is no proof. No proof = nothing done to stop it. I was in that exact situation when everything happened with my daughter. She had told someone at school that her daddy had touched her private parts. That very day she came home to find that the police and a bunch of strangers were already at her house. Her mom was crying and she never saw her daddy again. Then a whole week later she was placed with a detective she didn't know in a place she had never been and was expected to talk to them. And that was supposed to be our only proof?! I don't think so! When she was interviewed and didn't sing like a canary the detective came back in with tears in her eyes and said, "for what it's worth I believe she was abused but there's no proof". THE DETECTIVE WAS CRYING! They sent me home with no way to protect my daughter and only the promise that they would try to buy me some time. "Maybe she'll talk and eventually open up to a counselor" they said. Eventually?!? Are you kidding me? So it can happen to her again? One time is one time too many! I took matters into my own hands and by the sheer grace of God things fell together that I was able to obtain proof.
    So now that he's convicted and my kids are protected is my job done? Absolutely not! In the last two weeks alone I have heard of two different accounts where the kids are being abused and there is no proof, nothing there to protect them. This cannot go on! I ask any judge, detective, cop, lawyer, anyone involved with these kinds of cases; if this was your kid would it be okay with you to take the chance that your child would get abused based on a lack of evidence? Would it be okay with you to look your child in the eyes and know they're telling the truth but you can't protect them so you ignore it? What kind of parent would be okay with that? The system is broken ladies and gentleman and I'm one voice, one small voice proposing we combine our voices, we speak up to make a change to protect these precious babies. I know, "innocent until proven guilty" but where are the rights for these kids, who are just that, innocent?
    To those parents who are fighting so desperately to protect your kids: I know you feel alone. You are not alone! I am fighting with you. I am praying for you, pleading for a way to help you protect your baby. Do not ever give up! Ever! I don't know why I was fortunate enough to have things work out the way they did and obtain proof. God works in mysterious ways. I had a chat with Heavenly Father and basically told Him that I would rather run away into hiding than let my daughter be abused one more time. I was prepared to do anything to keep her safe and her brothers safe. So I begged and pleaded for His help and somehow He heard my pleas and took mercy upon me. I don't believe He wants to see innocent children suffer despite all of the suffering in the world. It is OUR job to stand up and fight for them! If we have a desire to do good and a humble heart I know He will help us in His way and His timing. Where there is a will there's a way! I know the anguish and the absolute torture it is to know that it is your child that is hurting. Your child, and there's nothing the state or anyone else can do to help you protect them.
    I don't know how to fix this serious problem that is occurring but I feel passionately about it and I know there are others out there that do too. If you are sick of this happening, if you know someone who is afflicted by this, please share this post! Pass it on, share it! Lets get people talking about it! How can we make a difference? Lets get ideas out there flowing and put an end to this nonsense of "no proof". No proof doesn't mean it didn't happen! In fact more often than not in sexual abuse cases there is no proof unless they did certain, horrific things. Why should we have to wait for it to get that far? There was no way I was going to wait for physical evidence!
    I'm not proposing we lock up everyone who is ever accused of child abuse. I know first hand of people that have been accused of it and were innocent. But surely there has to be a better way to go about it to protect the child.
   No proof was not good enough for my daughter. It's not good enough for your child either. The only thing I could think of when the detective sent me home with the words, "no proof" was that was not a good enough reason to allow it to happen again. One child, one time; is one child, one time too many!

A Thankful Heart

   This Thanksgiving my thoughts kept circling back to where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving. When my daughter told the school counselor about the abuse she said it started on Thanksgiving. She said grandma was staying in her room but for some reason she wasn't there that night. As I have thought back to last Thanksgiving it all makes perfect sense. Nic loved spending time with my family so if they were in town usually he would go back over to where they were at after we got the kids in bed for the night. Last year he told me I should go spend time with my family. I remember looking at him a little shocked thinking it was strange. After a few minutes I decided I would go and I figured maybe he was trying to be more generous and less selfish. I greatly appreciated the night off with my family. Little did I know that he wanted me to go so he could be alone with our daughter. It used to haunt me that Thanksgiving was where it all began. I remember feeling so guilty. How did I not know? Where was my mother's intuition? The truth is it all began a long time before that day. He must have been having thoughts for some time before he actually acted on them.
    So a year later here I am and honestly I couldn't be more grateful. I'm grateful first of all that my kids are safe. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father guided me to do all the right things so I could protect my babies. My daughter no longer has to endure sexual abuse and is on the path of healing. I'm grateful she has been so resilient and that the atonement has worked as a balm on her heart. I'm grateful she was prompted to tell some little girl that she didn't really know that her daddy was touching her. She was prompted to tell the right little girl, the little girl that would encourage her to tell the counselor at school. I'm grateful for that little girls parents for teaching her what to do. If I knew who they were I would give them a huge hug and thank them from the bottom of my heart. I'm thankful for all of the social workers, family, friends, lawyers, officers, teachers, and the judge that made it possible for me to get to this point. Because of their help and support my kids are safe. My daughter doesn't have to be afraid to go to sleep in her bed at night.
    I'm grateful for the generosity of others. This past year would have been absolutely crushing without the loving compassion of others. I cannot even begin to say how much every smile, kind thought, prayer, act of service and financial donation has meant to me. I make sure to tell my kids all the time how lucky we are and how important it is to help others. I feel like I'm being redundant but I am quite honestly blown away by the generous acts of others. I am inspired by these acts to be better and do better. To know that I have not only my personal family and friends but complete strangers rooting and pulling for my little family to succeed inspires me to keep going, to keep fighting, and I strive to be like those who have helped me. Their love and generosity has forever changed my heart.
    I'm grateful for my siblings. This last year my family has experienced many hardships. The shocking news about Nic's abuse devastated my family. Many of them have also experienced a lot of pain in their own personal lives. A brother and sister-in-law lost their teenage nephew in a tragic accident. As you can imagine it was heartbreaking. Then this fall my family received even more devastating news when we found out about my mom's cancer. As we have had such difficult times we've been together a lot more than usual. What I'm so grateful for is the time we've spent together even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. We have laughed and cried together many times this last year and I so appreciate that we have each other. None of us have to experience these things all alone. I'm so grateful for the intense loyalty and love I receive from my family. I know that my siblings have my back no matter what. Their lives are busy and they can't always be there but because of the quality time we have shared together I never doubt their love.
    I'm thankful for my mom's testimony. I'm thankful that she was always an example to me and that she taught me well. Many people have commended me for my spiritual strength. I truthfully cannot take any credit. I did not become this way all on my own. It was my mother who instilled in me from a very young age the importance of a relationship with Heavenly Father. Over the years she has taught me many spiritual life lessons. I'm grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I would not be where I am today without her. It is because of her that I know that no matter what life throws my way I will be okay as long as I cling tightly to the gospel. She has consistently been my rock. I am so grateful that we have had more time with her. Her stroke scared us all. We weren't sure we were going to get her back. Those were some dark days for our family. My heart is so full that we were able to spend thanksgiving with her and that she was able to enjoy it. I don't know what the cancer will do to her or when it will take her from this life but I'm so grateful for each and every moment I get with her and for the blessed opportunity I have now to extend some service to her. It is my turn to care for and nurture her. I am so happy to do it.
    I'm thankful for the four little humans that I get to call my own. My kids are the reason I go on when I feel like giving up. They're the reason I smile when I've had a bad day. They're the reason I get up and choose to fight each and every day of my life no matter how damn hard it is to fight. They drive me crazy sometimes but my love for them goes so deep that I can't stay crazy. I look at them and marvel at their perfectly healthy little bodies, their dimples, their little blonde heads. I am in awe of their unique and marvelous personalities. How are these wild, sweet, crazy, funny, smart, loving kids mine? My kids give me purpose. They breathe new life into me each and every time they give me a hug or flash a smile my way. Sometimes I suspect that they do far more for me than I do for them. I consider myself very blessed to be their mama.
     I could go on and on as I have MUCH to be grateful for. Perhaps the thing I am the most grateful for is a wise and loving Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. In Heavenly Father's wisdom and love He has guided and protected me this past year through some really rough waters. The storm was coming no matter what. Nic did what he did and my mom's cancer couldn't have been prevented. Without Heavenly Father's help I would surely have drowned with the immensity of it all. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done but I'm positive I would've self destructed from the weight of it all without a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Never have I faced more pressure and strain on me than I have this past year. Heavenly Father completely took over and guided me when it came to Nic's criminal charges. I was literally told step by step what to do. Then in His infinite wisdom He sent me to Utah. I never wanted to move back to Utah and when I finally did I still didn't know the full purpose behind it. I was brought here to be with and care for my mom at this difficult time for her. I am so grateful I listened to Him when I didn't want to. I couldn't possibly know my mom had cancer at the time. When I have felt I was in way over my head, when I've felt like I absolutely couldn't rise up to what was being required of me, through deep prayer the atonement has time and time again come to my rescue. It has been my most powerful defense against the adversary. I get up on my own two feet and I continue to surprise myself with what I'm capable of as I let the atonement strengthen and sustain me. I would be no where without the atonement. I promise you I am not as strong as I seem in fact most of the time I feel quite the opposite, I am so incredibly weak and human, for this reason I am beyond thankful for my Heavenly Father and His Son.
    I have been taught many things. I have witnessed miracles. I have been the recipient of more generosity than I even knew existed. My heart is truly full.  As I have reflected on who I was and where I was a year ago I am so grateful to be who I am and where I am now. I have NO reason not to have a thankful heart always.

An Open Letter to my Daughter

   I was reading scriptures a while ago with my kids when my four year old son lost it. Out of no where he began to cry uncontrollably. "I want my daddy! Why can't he come out of jail? Why? I want daddy!" Over and over again he sobbed out these words. My daughter looked up from the floor where she was sitting and I could see it all in her eyes. Her big, blue, tear filled, eyes said "It's my fault he can't see dad". She too began to cry and I had both kiddos sobbing in my lap. I did my best to soothe them and then I looked over at my oldest son and thought to myself, "oh no, he is going to lose it too". But he didn't. He surprised me by calmly walking over and rubbing both of their backs while I held them and said, "It's okay, we'll see dad again. Don't be sad". I suggested we say a special prayer for daddy and my oldest son volunteered to say it. "Dear Heavenly Father please bless daddy that he will repent and choose the right. Bless that he can love Jesus and that we will see him again. Bless that he will be able to find us when he gets out of jail. Bless my brother and my sister that they won't be sad and that they won't miss daddy so much. Bless that we will be happy and comfortable here in this apartment even though we only have two bedrooms and one bathroom. (lol) In the name of Jesus Christ Amen." Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. Tears of joy. I was so proud of the spirit this six year old boy brought into our home. I was so proud of him for comforting his brother and sister. I was so proud of the extraordinary prayer that came from his heart. Usually he is the difficult one of my kids and here he was stepping up and acting like the "man of the house" at only six years of age. I ache that he feels that responsibility at such a tender age but what a tender mercy that moment was for me. I am the luckiest mom alive to have such tender hearted kids!
    Since that day one of my biggest concerns has been my daughters feelings of guilt. I've pulled her aside and talked to her a few times about her feelings. I don't know how to convince an eight year old girl that it isn't her fault when the consequences of her telling someone took her dad away. The counselor, myself, and other family members can continually tell her it's not her fault but the way things have played out leads her to believe otherwise. In the beginning, when everything was still under investigation, her brothers were allowed supervised visitation with Nic but she wasn't. She felt like she was being punished and that dad was mad at her for telling. The system, in my opinion, has some major flaws. There has to be a better way! No child should ever feel that kind of rejection or guilt for something that an adult they trusted did. I know she can't quite understand it all now so I've decided to write her a letter that one day she can read and hopefully it will hit home.

My dearest daughter,

From the moment you were born I knew you were special. There was something about your spirit that told me I would learn from you. Even as a baby you've always been so animated and full of joy. There is NOTHING weak about you! You've always been determined and have known exactly what you have wanted. In addition to these strong qualities you have always possessed a great compassion for others. You've seen those that are hurting and crying and been so aware of their pain. I marvel at the way you balance these attributes so naturally. From the time you were tiny I would often look at you and see everything I wanted to become. Some say that we get to choose our family before we come to this earth. If that is true I feel so lucky that you chose me!

This last year alone you've absolutely amazed me with your strength, resilience, and grace! You have experienced more confusion and pain than I ever did at your age. You have been betrayed by someone you trusted to care for you. I don't know personally what that feels like as a child. What I do know is you were robbed and it isn't fair. You were robbed of a normal father/daughter relationship. You were robbed of a carefree childhood. You were robbed of getting to experience certain things for the first time the way they should be experienced, with someone you love when you are much older. Unfortunately life isn't fair. I wish I could have done something, anything to prevent this from happening to you! I ache so deeply that I couldn't. I'm so sorry! I am so deeply sorry!

This is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT! You did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this! You didn't say anything wrong or do anything wrong! Your dad was sick. He was weak and he needed help but didn't seek it out. He got caught in Satan's trap and believed his lies. Let that be a lesson to you to fight like hell against Satan and his lies! Your dad will have to live with those choices he made for the rest of his life. That kind of guilt can eat you alive. Satan led him there and then once it was too late to go back Satan left him all alone. Heavenly Father will never leave you alone! Life will have challenges no matter what you do but the difference is that if you choose Satan he will abandon you when you are at your lowest and Heavenly Father will not.

I know what happened to you was confusing. I know it felt like love sometimes. I also know it made you feel uncomfortable too. Sometimes we can feel more than one feeling at once. I know when you told your school counselor that it must have been really scary for you. When you came home from school that same day and the police were at our house you must have been terrified! You haven't seen your dad since that day you told and I know a part of you misses him. Another part of you is scared he's mad at you and yet another part is relieved that those things aren't happening to you anymore. These are grown up, complex feelings for a little girl to have!

What I need you to know is that I've talked to your dad multiple times and his biggest regret is knowing what he's put you through and all you've had to deal with. He knows that you blame yourself. He's told me to tell you that he's not mad at you and it's not your fault. I have told you what he said. We have talked about it with your counselor. It's a lot for a little girl to understand.

One day you will probably have a lot of anger. If that happens just know that it's okay. It's okay to be angry. It's even okay to be angry with me. Be angry, cry, scream, yell, and feel every emotion you need to in order to put this behind you. Just don't let the anger become or define you. I told the judge this in my statement and I'm telling you now: The absolute truth is you are only a victim if you choose to be. Because I know you so well I am confident that you won't live your life as a victim. You have already chosen forgiveness as a little girl and I know that as an adult, when you intellectually understand more, that you will choose forgiveness again.

As I've said before: life isn't fair. It never will be. All we are in control of is our own attitudes and happiness. What are we going to do with what we've been given? As I see it there are only 2 choices: 1. To feel sorry for ourselves and be miserable or 2. To choose to learn from it and use it to make a difference. The latter is the only way we will find happiness.

It isn't always easy to forgive. The only way you will ever truly forgive is if you let the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ heal your heart. Seek Him in all that you do!  When you are angry, turn to Him in prayer. When you can't make the feelings of sadness dissipate, open your scriptures. When you physically and emotionally can't take anymore pain tell Him. Cry, plead, and sob about all of your heartaches to your Heavenly Father. He will NEVER leave you comfortless. I know because I've done it! I've cried countless times on my knees in agony. Slowly you will feel the healing powers of the atonement begin to put your heart back together again.

My dear daughter, you are so loved!!! I cannot express it enough! Heavenly Father helped you tell the right person that day at school. He gave you the courage to tell. You told a little girl that you weren't even friends with. I believe you were prompted to tell that little girl because she knew what to do. She knew that you needed to tell an adult. On another occasion all of my family held a fast specifically for you. We all prayed for comfort and healing for your little broken heart. That very Sunday you got up and bore your testimony. Tears streamed down my face as the spirit so clearly testified to me that you were going to be okay. You have a strength inside of you unlike anything I have ever seen! You will have happiness! You will have peace! You will know joy! I thank God everyday that you are mine!

                                                                                    To the moon and back,
                                                                                     Mom

Prison Time

  It just so happens that most of the court dates coincided with important dates in our lives. Nic's first court date was set for April 7th, our oldest son's birthday. The second hearing was scheduled for April 24th, our daughter's birthday. It was no surprise to me, then, that Nic's sentencing court date was scheduled for our 9th wedding anniversary, June 23rd. I'm not sure why it happened that way and it kind of baffles me that THREE times in a row court dates were scheduled for important days. I don't think it was a coincidence. There was a divine purpose behind that I'm sure. It may have been to create more of an impact on Nic.
  Because I was able to secure a recorded confession from Nic, our daughter didn't have to appear in court and testify. Which was a huge relief and one of my main motivations for doing it in the first place. I, however, still had to prepare a "victim impact statement". The purpose of the statement was basically to tell the judge my view and my opinion on the matter. It was my chance to have a voice. It could even sway the verdict. I fasted, prayed, and received a couple of priesthood blessings. I wanted to be sure that what I said in my statement reflected how I felt but mostly I wanted to make sure that what I said was what Heavenly Father wanted me to say. I rewrote and tweaked that statement so many times it's ridiculous. I knew that Heavenly Father knew what Nic needed and what my family needed to heal. He had knowledge that I didn't. So I prayed for guidance that I might say the right things and the right thing would happen regarding his sentencing. I was to read my statement at his sentencing.
  Our daughter was also given the opportunity to prepare a statement. Hers would be read either by myself or the judge could read it beforehand. I felt impressed to read it aloud in court. I can remember so vividly talking to her about it with her counselor. She knew she wanted to say something. She didn't hesitate or waste any time. Her statement was simple but powerful, "I miss you daddy, I love you. I'm glad I told. I wanted it to stop." To the point. I had agonized over my statement for weeks and here was this daughter of mine completely amazing me, yet again, with her maturity.
  The day of the sentencing came and because it was our anniversary I made plans to go to the temple that morning before court. I knew I needed the extra strength and I wanted Heavenly Father to know that I still cherished and honored those covenants I made nine years ago. As I was driving to drop the kids off at my friend Janae's house my daughter asked me why I was dressed up and where I was going. "To the temple and then to court like we talked about." "Why are you going to the temple?" she questioned. "Because it's the day your daddy and I got married and I made special promises to Heavenly Father." "It's your anniversary and you have to go to court! That's crazy mom! You're supposed to go on a date on your anniversary! Maybe next year you can go on a date with somebody for your anniversary." She was absolutely appalled that court was scheduled on our anniversary. She made me chuckle about going on a date with somebody else. "I'm not sure that's quite how it works baby girl". Even my eight year old thought it was insane timing.
  I didn't have time to do an endowment session so I did a few initiatory's instead. I'm glad it worked out that way because the blessings that are unique to initiatory's is just what I needed that day to prepare me for court. When I left the temple I sat on the bench for a moment and watched a newly married couple get their pictures taken. It was so surreal to me that it had been me nine years ago and here I was sitting nine years later preparing to deliver a statement that might send him to prison. I began to cry as I thought of everything Nic had so carelessly thrown away. I would have given him everything! At times I even tried to at my own expense. I looked up and through my tears I could see the Angel Moroni and I decided in that moment to commit to myself and to Heavenly Father that I would continue to keep my eyes focused on the temple. I would not forsake my temple covenants. With that promise I had new strength and determination. I stood up and took a few pictures of the temple before leaving for court. I knew what I was standing for was right. I knew that I had been guided. I knew that keeping my temple covenants was empowering me.
  I met my sister and drove to the courthouse with her. My brother Bryon and his wife Mishawn were there to support me as well as my closest friends. It was different than I thought it would be. We had to sit for quite a while and wait for Nic's turn. While we were waiting we were witnessing other people's trials. It felt so invasive of their privacy. Finally it was Nic's turn. Seeing him with all of the light sucked out of him was a stark comparison to the Nic in a tux nine years before. They were two COMPLETELY different people! The prosecuting attorney was amazing and her witness coordinator was superb. The coordinator sat by me the entire time and broke down all of the lawyer lingo for me. She comforted me and even joked with me. I couldn't have asked for anyone better! Finally my turn came. I got up and in a dreamlike state read my statement. Right when I started to read the thought came to me, "look up often and make eye contact with the judge". I was calm and collected in my heart but I did choke up when I mentioned our anniversary and again when I talked about our daughter. I had to stop and collect myself for a minute before continuing. After reading mine I read our daughter's statement. Which I think was the perfect way to end. Then Nic had a chance to say something. He didn't say much and there was very little conviction or emotion in his voice.
   I had been told to expect what they call a 6 month rider program. Which means he would basically get prison time for only six months. It's a little more complicated than that but it's irrelevant. The judge delivered his verdict and every single person in the room was stunned including the prosecuting attorney. 5 years fixed prison time with up to 20 years! Some people were happy but I was so confused. 6 months is much shorter than 5 years! I was in shock. I knew it was what was right but I wasn't expecting it at all. After court my sister and I got in her car and just cried. It was a sad thing that it had come to this. He was going to miss 5 whole years, at least, of the kids lives. The baby would be 7 when he got out if not older! Our daughter would be a teenager! Those were 5 precious years he would miss. How could he have done this? He threw away those years! My first concern was protecting my kids and I accomplished that but it didn't make it any easier to process. After getting dropped off I went up to my closet and sobbed on the floor. Again, prayer was the only place I could turn for comfort.
   I will always remember that day and I will always feel a pang when I think of it. Despite the horrendous nature of the majority of the day I will also always remember that morning sitting outside the temple making promises. That morning I made a promise that was crucial for me to make. Moving forward with my life I need to remember that promise. My eyes are still focused on the temple!!! Always and forever I will do my best to honor those covenants. My covenants are personal and it doesn't matter that he didn't keep his. What matters is what I do with mine. His actions don't justify me breaking my own covenants. I hold them sacred and I look forward to a time when I can be sealed to someone who also holds them sacred. I look forward to a time when I can be in the temple with my own children. How much pride and joy that would bring to my heart! I know that if I want to teach my kids that the temple is an important goal then I need to be an example! I need to live it and not waiver! They need to know with absolute certainty that their mom cherishes her temple covenants! ( I do not wish to make anyone feel bad if they have not always kept their covenants. I am not perfect. In all reality I don't perfectly keep all of my temple covenants, really most of us don't. That's another tangent for another time. Again I am not pointing fingers or pushing anyone down to lift myself higher. I am not your judge! I am simply stating how I felt that day and how I feel today about the temple. )
   June 23rd was one of the best days of my life! I will never forget the way I felt making promises to Nic and Heavenly Father. June 23rd will always be a little bitter for me but mostly it is sweet. The sweetness comes from Heavenly Father and keeping His temple covenants even in difficult times!


                                                                    June 23, 2006

 

June 23, 2015

 

 

The Question All Christians Should Ask : "Am I a Christian?"

   

    Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, Nic Butterfield. What do these 3 people have in common? One is famous and is used to being in the public eye. Another is a mother from Arizona who I know very little about. Finally the last is my ex whom I know a lot about and he is pretty well known in the valley where we live. What links these three together? They are all Christians whose mistakes have been made public. They have all been judged very harshly by other people who are Christian as well.
   What is a Christian? Let's look at the basic definition:

 

Chris·tian

ˈkrisCHən/

noun

plural noun: Christians

1. a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings

 

 "A believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings". That stuck out to me. On my own path to forgiveness for Nic I have thought a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Jesus taught a lot of things many of which I still don't fully comprehend. I don't claim to be an expert on His life although I am daily trying to learn more about Him. We learn through the scriptures repeatedly that Jesus taught about love. Jesus taught about compassion. Jesus taught about forgiveness. The Sermon on the Mount is a terrific example of a time that He taught these virtues.

 

 

Matthew 5:38-40

 

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

 

Matthew 5: 43-44

 

43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

Matthew 7:1-5

 

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 

At the Last Supper He, again, gives counsel to love one another.

 

John 13: 34-35

 

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    

  I could go on. There are so many accounts in the scriptures where Jesus tells us to love one another. To forgive our enemies. Not to place judgment.

  I have seen so many people say such awful hateful things. I'm not the type to be hateful and never have been but I have been guilty of placing judgment. Before this experience of abuse in my own life my perspective towards obvious sin was very different. If someone made an obvious mistake then I could be quick to jump on the band wagon of casting blame. I had moments where I was an "eye for an eye" kind of person. I am ashamed of those thoughts and thinking patterns. When Nic was sentenced they published it in the paper and the online media forums for the paper. I made the mistake of reading some of the comments below. It made me physically ill. What he did was heinous but when did it become okay to wish for a complete stranger to die?

 Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, and Nic Butterfield have all been publically and openly judged. They have varying levels of mistakes. In Cherish's case it was just that, a mistake. Nic and Josh have actually sinned. Whatever the reason or cause, when did it become okay to point fingers and condemn someone? Where in the scriptures does Christ give us permission to call someone a terrible mother? Where does Christ say it's okay to hate someone we don't even know? Where does it say it's okay to hate period? I do feel compassion for Josh Duggar. It is a heart wrenching and grievous thing his family is now having to endure as a result of his choices. I feel so much empathy for his wife. He has obviously made some horrible mistakes and choices but I am not perfect. I cannot cast a stone. There needs to be consequences. I am a firm believer in being accountable for ALL of our choices. If I didn't believe in accountability I would not have gone to such great lengths in my life to see that Nic was held accountable. What I cannot and do not support is spreading judgment and hate. Instead of name calling and labeling how much better would this world be if we sought for solutions for the problem. How can we stop abuse? Does calling him an explicit term do anything to keep it from happening to someone else? No! Stand  up and choose to make a difference. Stand up and choose to think a little deeper about motivations and the cause of the problem. When we choose to expand our thoughts beyond judgment and hate we will find solutions to problems. When we choose to embrace love and seek His help then we can make a difference! Be more intelligent then the ignorance of hatred!

   If we want this world to become a better place then we need to teach our children to follow Christ. To really love one another including our enemies and those we don't understand. I will never fully understand or comprehend  Nic's choices but I don't need to. It doesn't say love your enemy only if you understand them. Comprehension for someone's behavior is not required in order to have compassion for them. Initially there was a lot of anger. Finally I had to look inside myself and really question ,"Am I a Christian? What does that mean?"

   Bottom line no matter what it is, sin or innocent mistake ; stop passing judgment! Stop spreading hate! If we claim to be Christians then we need to try a little harder and make more of an effort to forgive and love EVERYBODY! Will I love perfectly like Christ did? Probably not. But I can sure be better then I have been before.

  A friend of mine shared this quote today on a facebook group page that is supporting Cherish with the hashtag of #istandwithcherish or as I like to call it #stopspreadinghate #nojudgment #compassion #iamaChristian #loveoneanother

 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

~Marvin J. Ashton