Love You Through It : a Mother's Day message about unconditional love.

With Mother's Day quickly approaching my thoughts have been turned towards my own mother. Often when I think about her, words feel inadequate to explain the mother she is. From the time I was little I remember nothing but love and perhaps that is the greatest lesson she ever taught me, to love unconditionally.

In 2004 my dad passed away very suddenly and as I was the youngest, that left just her and I at home. To say that was a hard year and a strain on our relationship would be an understatement. We each grieved differently as our relationships with him were very different. I was a teenager about to start my final year of high school and a whole new phase of life. She was a woman about to be an empty nester and now a widow, which meant she would be completely alone. Our fears were great and there were a few occasions when we took those fears out on each other leaving us both with hurt feelings. What came after the hurt feelings is an important life lesson I'll never forget. After giving me some time alone my mom would always knock on my door, sit on my bed and apologize. "I'm sorry, I'm doing the best I can. Parents aren't perfect but I love you so much. Can you please forgive me?"

If only she knew then how much those words would help me when I became a mother! She taught me that it's okay to not be a perfect parent. That it's okay to be real with your kids. That we respect those that are honest with us about their shortcomings. That there is nothing that can't be mended by sincere humility and unconditional love. That all we are ever expected to do, is our personal best.

Over the years my mom has been there for me as I have parented my own children and she has continued to comfort and gently nurture me through some of the most difficult moments of my life. I am her caregiver now but a year ago she was mine. It wasn't that long ago that my world was falling apart and she was helping me pick up the pieces. She worked tirelessly to keep my house clean and help care for my kids while I handled legal issues and worked through my grief. Many mornings she let me sleep in and mope in bed as I mourned the end of my marriage and the horrible abuse my daughter endured. She was patient with me as I slowly began to heal and get stronger. Quite simply, she loved me through it. Now it is my turn to allow her to grieve and mourn the loss of her health while I take care of business. I see it not as a burden but a privilege, an honor. Unconditional love is serving one another through the trials and heartbreaks in life. She taught me that.

Mom, if you get a chance to read this, you need to know how much your kids love you. It is okay to not be the strong one taking care of us anymore. You have taught us everything we need to know. We know to trust in God because of you and that turning to Him is ALWAYS the answer. We know how to love both purely and unconditionally because of your example. Spending time with you and caring for you is a privilege for us all. You have been and are a noble mother! Your faith and love have sustained us and will continue to do so because yours is a love that will last for eternity! Enjoy your time and try not to stress about the magnitude of this trial as you face your cancer. You have never let us fall or left us alone in our times of need and we will not let you either. We've got your back mama. Quite simply, we will love you through it!

This Mother's Day I challenge all of you to think about your own mother's and the ways they "loved you through it" and as a mother myself, I know that sometimes we have a tendency to look inward and reflect on our own mothering skills and sometimes we are tempted to compare ourselves to other mothers we know. To that I challenge you to 1. Remember the love you have for your child is the MOST important part of being a mother! Nothing else we will ever do will even touch the love they feel from us. The pinterest worthy birthday parties and perfectly packed sack lunches don't matter if they don't feel our love. Loving them deeply and making sure they feel that love IS ENOUGH! 2. Love yourself through it. There is no such thing as a perfect parent!!! Be patient and kind with yourself. Repeat after me as I repeat after my mom : "I'm doing the best I can." No more comparisons. I know my mom sounds pretty amazing from all of the things I've written about her but even she forgot my brother's 7th birthday. ;) He still loves her and is a functioning happy adult (mostly hehe).

Let's make this Mother's Day about love, unconditional love. Not comparisons, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or even anger. This Mother's Day lets focus on the positive, the happy, and loving ourselves and each other through the trials and heartbreaks of life.

An Open Letter to my Daughter

   I was reading scriptures a while ago with my kids when my four year old son lost it. Out of no where he began to cry uncontrollably. "I want my daddy! Why can't he come out of jail? Why? I want daddy!" Over and over again he sobbed out these words. My daughter looked up from the floor where she was sitting and I could see it all in her eyes. Her big, blue, tear filled, eyes said "It's my fault he can't see dad". She too began to cry and I had both kiddos sobbing in my lap. I did my best to soothe them and then I looked over at my oldest son and thought to myself, "oh no, he is going to lose it too". But he didn't. He surprised me by calmly walking over and rubbing both of their backs while I held them and said, "It's okay, we'll see dad again. Don't be sad". I suggested we say a special prayer for daddy and my oldest son volunteered to say it. "Dear Heavenly Father please bless daddy that he will repent and choose the right. Bless that he can love Jesus and that we will see him again. Bless that he will be able to find us when he gets out of jail. Bless my brother and my sister that they won't be sad and that they won't miss daddy so much. Bless that we will be happy and comfortable here in this apartment even though we only have two bedrooms and one bathroom. (lol) In the name of Jesus Christ Amen." Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. Tears of joy. I was so proud of the spirit this six year old boy brought into our home. I was so proud of him for comforting his brother and sister. I was so proud of the extraordinary prayer that came from his heart. Usually he is the difficult one of my kids and here he was stepping up and acting like the "man of the house" at only six years of age. I ache that he feels that responsibility at such a tender age but what a tender mercy that moment was for me. I am the luckiest mom alive to have such tender hearted kids!
    Since that day one of my biggest concerns has been my daughters feelings of guilt. I've pulled her aside and talked to her a few times about her feelings. I don't know how to convince an eight year old girl that it isn't her fault when the consequences of her telling someone took her dad away. The counselor, myself, and other family members can continually tell her it's not her fault but the way things have played out leads her to believe otherwise. In the beginning, when everything was still under investigation, her brothers were allowed supervised visitation with Nic but she wasn't. She felt like she was being punished and that dad was mad at her for telling. The system, in my opinion, has some major flaws. There has to be a better way! No child should ever feel that kind of rejection or guilt for something that an adult they trusted did. I know she can't quite understand it all now so I've decided to write her a letter that one day she can read and hopefully it will hit home.

My dearest daughter,

From the moment you were born I knew you were special. There was something about your spirit that told me I would learn from you. Even as a baby you've always been so animated and full of joy. There is NOTHING weak about you! You've always been determined and have known exactly what you have wanted. In addition to these strong qualities you have always possessed a great compassion for others. You've seen those that are hurting and crying and been so aware of their pain. I marvel at the way you balance these attributes so naturally. From the time you were tiny I would often look at you and see everything I wanted to become. Some say that we get to choose our family before we come to this earth. If that is true I feel so lucky that you chose me!

This last year alone you've absolutely amazed me with your strength, resilience, and grace! You have experienced more confusion and pain than I ever did at your age. You have been betrayed by someone you trusted to care for you. I don't know personally what that feels like as a child. What I do know is you were robbed and it isn't fair. You were robbed of a normal father/daughter relationship. You were robbed of a carefree childhood. You were robbed of getting to experience certain things for the first time the way they should be experienced, with someone you love when you are much older. Unfortunately life isn't fair. I wish I could have done something, anything to prevent this from happening to you! I ache so deeply that I couldn't. I'm so sorry! I am so deeply sorry!

This is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT! You did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this! You didn't say anything wrong or do anything wrong! Your dad was sick. He was weak and he needed help but didn't seek it out. He got caught in Satan's trap and believed his lies. Let that be a lesson to you to fight like hell against Satan and his lies! Your dad will have to live with those choices he made for the rest of his life. That kind of guilt can eat you alive. Satan led him there and then once it was too late to go back Satan left him all alone. Heavenly Father will never leave you alone! Life will have challenges no matter what you do but the difference is that if you choose Satan he will abandon you when you are at your lowest and Heavenly Father will not.

I know what happened to you was confusing. I know it felt like love sometimes. I also know it made you feel uncomfortable too. Sometimes we can feel more than one feeling at once. I know when you told your school counselor that it must have been really scary for you. When you came home from school that same day and the police were at our house you must have been terrified! You haven't seen your dad since that day you told and I know a part of you misses him. Another part of you is scared he's mad at you and yet another part is relieved that those things aren't happening to you anymore. These are grown up, complex feelings for a little girl to have!

What I need you to know is that I've talked to your dad multiple times and his biggest regret is knowing what he's put you through and all you've had to deal with. He knows that you blame yourself. He's told me to tell you that he's not mad at you and it's not your fault. I have told you what he said. We have talked about it with your counselor. It's a lot for a little girl to understand.

One day you will probably have a lot of anger. If that happens just know that it's okay. It's okay to be angry. It's even okay to be angry with me. Be angry, cry, scream, yell, and feel every emotion you need to in order to put this behind you. Just don't let the anger become or define you. I told the judge this in my statement and I'm telling you now: The absolute truth is you are only a victim if you choose to be. Because I know you so well I am confident that you won't live your life as a victim. You have already chosen forgiveness as a little girl and I know that as an adult, when you intellectually understand more, that you will choose forgiveness again.

As I've said before: life isn't fair. It never will be. All we are in control of is our own attitudes and happiness. What are we going to do with what we've been given? As I see it there are only 2 choices: 1. To feel sorry for ourselves and be miserable or 2. To choose to learn from it and use it to make a difference. The latter is the only way we will find happiness.

It isn't always easy to forgive. The only way you will ever truly forgive is if you let the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ heal your heart. Seek Him in all that you do!  When you are angry, turn to Him in prayer. When you can't make the feelings of sadness dissipate, open your scriptures. When you physically and emotionally can't take anymore pain tell Him. Cry, plead, and sob about all of your heartaches to your Heavenly Father. He will NEVER leave you comfortless. I know because I've done it! I've cried countless times on my knees in agony. Slowly you will feel the healing powers of the atonement begin to put your heart back together again.

My dear daughter, you are so loved!!! I cannot express it enough! Heavenly Father helped you tell the right person that day at school. He gave you the courage to tell. You told a little girl that you weren't even friends with. I believe you were prompted to tell that little girl because she knew what to do. She knew that you needed to tell an adult. On another occasion all of my family held a fast specifically for you. We all prayed for comfort and healing for your little broken heart. That very Sunday you got up and bore your testimony. Tears streamed down my face as the spirit so clearly testified to me that you were going to be okay. You have a strength inside of you unlike anything I have ever seen! You will have happiness! You will have peace! You will know joy! I thank God everyday that you are mine!

                                                                                    To the moon and back,
                                                                                     Mom

The Question All Christians Should Ask : "Am I a Christian?"

   

    Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, Nic Butterfield. What do these 3 people have in common? One is famous and is used to being in the public eye. Another is a mother from Arizona who I know very little about. Finally the last is my ex whom I know a lot about and he is pretty well known in the valley where we live. What links these three together? They are all Christians whose mistakes have been made public. They have all been judged very harshly by other people who are Christian as well.
   What is a Christian? Let's look at the basic definition:

 

Chris·tian

ˈkrisCHən/

noun

plural noun: Christians

1. a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings

 

 "A believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings". That stuck out to me. On my own path to forgiveness for Nic I have thought a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Jesus taught a lot of things many of which I still don't fully comprehend. I don't claim to be an expert on His life although I am daily trying to learn more about Him. We learn through the scriptures repeatedly that Jesus taught about love. Jesus taught about compassion. Jesus taught about forgiveness. The Sermon on the Mount is a terrific example of a time that He taught these virtues.

 

 

Matthew 5:38-40

 

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

 

Matthew 5: 43-44

 

43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

Matthew 7:1-5

 

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 

At the Last Supper He, again, gives counsel to love one another.

 

John 13: 34-35

 

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    

  I could go on. There are so many accounts in the scriptures where Jesus tells us to love one another. To forgive our enemies. Not to place judgment.

  I have seen so many people say such awful hateful things. I'm not the type to be hateful and never have been but I have been guilty of placing judgment. Before this experience of abuse in my own life my perspective towards obvious sin was very different. If someone made an obvious mistake then I could be quick to jump on the band wagon of casting blame. I had moments where I was an "eye for an eye" kind of person. I am ashamed of those thoughts and thinking patterns. When Nic was sentenced they published it in the paper and the online media forums for the paper. I made the mistake of reading some of the comments below. It made me physically ill. What he did was heinous but when did it become okay to wish for a complete stranger to die?

 Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, and Nic Butterfield have all been publically and openly judged. They have varying levels of mistakes. In Cherish's case it was just that, a mistake. Nic and Josh have actually sinned. Whatever the reason or cause, when did it become okay to point fingers and condemn someone? Where in the scriptures does Christ give us permission to call someone a terrible mother? Where does Christ say it's okay to hate someone we don't even know? Where does it say it's okay to hate period? I do feel compassion for Josh Duggar. It is a heart wrenching and grievous thing his family is now having to endure as a result of his choices. I feel so much empathy for his wife. He has obviously made some horrible mistakes and choices but I am not perfect. I cannot cast a stone. There needs to be consequences. I am a firm believer in being accountable for ALL of our choices. If I didn't believe in accountability I would not have gone to such great lengths in my life to see that Nic was held accountable. What I cannot and do not support is spreading judgment and hate. Instead of name calling and labeling how much better would this world be if we sought for solutions for the problem. How can we stop abuse? Does calling him an explicit term do anything to keep it from happening to someone else? No! Stand  up and choose to make a difference. Stand up and choose to think a little deeper about motivations and the cause of the problem. When we choose to expand our thoughts beyond judgment and hate we will find solutions to problems. When we choose to embrace love and seek His help then we can make a difference! Be more intelligent then the ignorance of hatred!

   If we want this world to become a better place then we need to teach our children to follow Christ. To really love one another including our enemies and those we don't understand. I will never fully understand or comprehend  Nic's choices but I don't need to. It doesn't say love your enemy only if you understand them. Comprehension for someone's behavior is not required in order to have compassion for them. Initially there was a lot of anger. Finally I had to look inside myself and really question ,"Am I a Christian? What does that mean?"

   Bottom line no matter what it is, sin or innocent mistake ; stop passing judgment! Stop spreading hate! If we claim to be Christians then we need to try a little harder and make more of an effort to forgive and love EVERYBODY! Will I love perfectly like Christ did? Probably not. But I can sure be better then I have been before.

  A friend of mine shared this quote today on a facebook group page that is supporting Cherish with the hashtag of #istandwithcherish or as I like to call it #stopspreadinghate #nojudgment #compassion #iamaChristian #loveoneanother

 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

~Marvin J. Ashton

 

 

 

 

 

 

In My Heart

  I believe part of forgiving is forgetting. It's been difficult for me to think about blogging more about what I've been through with Nic. I have forgiven him and I don't want to dwell on it. However, I've decided what I've been through might be helpful to some of you and I am also a BIG believer in learning from our past. Just keep in mind that as I write some more about things that have happened in my past I do so with no lingering feelings of pain or resentment. I also ask that you keep in mind that Nic, too, is evolving and changing. Who he was then is not the same person he is today or will be tomorrow. For better or for worse he is evolving. If you think about it we are all at least a little different then who we were a year ago or even last week.

   So much compassion and love has been extended to me this last year. Person after person has reached out to help me. People I haven't even talked to for years and even some people I have just met recently. I used to be cynical and assume everyone thought the worst of me until I could prove to them otherwise. I used to focus on the wickedness of the world and dwell on the decline of humanity. Yes, there are wars going on. Yes, there is wickedness. I am aware that so many innocent people suffer and endure horrific things. There is also a lot of good still in this world. I have seen so much compassion first hand in my life. I have read so many uplifting blogs and articles about all kinds of people doing amazing, incredible things to help others. The contrast between the good and evil has led me to ponder compassion and the role in plays in our world. How much of a difference does love and compassion really make? How does one really develop compassion for others if they've never received it themselves?
   I can remember many occasions when Nic would come home from work and whether he was tired or fighting inner demons, he would check out. He would turn on the TV and watch one of his many shows he religiously recorded. The kids would do something funny or sweet and I would feel like he was missing it. Occasionally there were even times when the kids were desperate for his attention and would beg him to play with them only for him to tell them he would later. It used to kill me! They will only be little once. I would look at these kids of mine and see each of them, in all of their unique divinity, and think "why can't he see how great they are?" He used to express to me frequently that he couldn't wait for the kids to become old enough so he could do things with them. He couldn't wait to take them camping, hunting, golfing, etc. All I could think was, "why wait?"
   I've thought a lot about this and how it parallels to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and how He views us. Sometimes we might struggle to see another individuals light or distinct worth. Some personalities just don't mesh as well together as others. We can become offended or even make rash judgments. How many times do you think Heavenly Father thinks, "Why can't Celeste just see how great so and so is?" He sees all of us for everything we are. He knows all of our flaws and eccentricities. He created us. Despite those things we may view as negative qualities about ourselves He also sees how great we are! He loves us unconditionally! I'm convinced if we saw the intentions and desires in everyone's hearts we would realize that we aren't all that different after all. Why can't we see how fantastic the person sitting next to us is? Are we not all God's children? Perhaps that's where compassion comes from; seeing others as children of God.
  Sometimes I really struggle to get past my own opinions of how others perceive me. I have been offended or hurt by something they said or did, sometimes deeply. I think one day I'll forgive them or maybe next week I should reach out to them. Why wait? As I look back on complicated relationships I've had with others I regret the time wasted in misunderstanding. It's easy to be offended but I've come to know that I can offend others just as easily as they can offend me. I really hate that feeling when I realize I've said something unintentionally that really hurt someone I respect and value. Again I ask why wait? Don't let things fester and get worse. Don't miss any valuable time.
   In my heart is good intentions. In my heart I want to be loved and love in return. In my heart is the desire to repent. In my heart I want to make a difference. In my heart the most important responsibility I have is that of being a parent. In my heart I want to forgive others and be forgiven. In my heart I want NOTHING more than to please my Heavenly Father and return to Him and help others to do the same. What's in your heart? When we put aside all social barriers and misconceptions are our hearts similar? If we could only allow our hearts to do the talking would we treat and view others differently? The closest relationships I have are with those people who see what's really in my heart and our hearts speak to each other.
   Looking at my children I see what I assume is just a glimpse of how our Heavenly Father must feel about all of us. As a mother I would pray that others would be kind and merciful towards my children. That they would give them the benefit of the doubt. I would hope that when my kids make really stupid mistakes that others would try to see the good that is in their hearts. I'm sure this is how Heavenly Father must feel about us. Love and forgiveness can change the world.  I'm so far from perfect, as I am only human, but I'm trying to view others with a Christ like love. I'm slowly learning and trying to see the world as He does. If I have offended you at some point, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry! Please forgive me for my imperfections, as there are many, and have patience with me as I try each day to become a little more like our Savior.
 

I Forgive You

   I filed for divorce in February and a little over six months later I am still married. Our divorce has been an ugly process. We have continually debated back and forth about what was fair. I felt like I wasn't the one that made the mistake and I had all four kids to take care of alone so I should get everything. I had quite a few people, my lawyer included, who believed the same. This was, after all, a case of abuse. Every single time I would suggest something and Nic would turn it down I would get so hurt. "Why can't he just see he's wrong and make amends by letting me have what I want?" I felt like I had forgiven him or at least made good progress but he simply wouldn't let me go. Hearing after hearing, week after week it continued. That was a good majority of the reason I was so emotionally exhausted last week. I wanted it to be done and behind me. I felt trapped.
   Last week after a few different conversations with a few different people I began to question the sincerity of the forgiveness I thought I had for Nic. I had told anybody who would listen that I wanted Nic to repent and redeem himself but did I? Did I forgive him if his repenting meant he'd be an active part of the kids life someday? Did I really want him around? When I was really honest with myself I didn't. I was still angry. I didn't even realize how angry I was. I felt like because I wasn't bashing him and speaking ill of him that I must not be angry, right? Wrong. Truth be told I was only willing to forgive him if he did things exactly the way I thought he should. Even then I wanted him to just set us free. He had lost his right to be a part of our lives, in my opinion, the moment he made the choice to abuse our daughter. I wanted him to go away and just let us be happy. Is that really forgiveness? Am I his judge? Do I get to say when he is or isn't repentant? These things all went through my mind last week.
   Flash forward to this morning. I was getting ready and a Kelly Clarkson song came on titled, "Already Gone".

              "Already Gone"

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ah already gone, already gone, already gone
Ah already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

 I had skipped this song every time it played in the past. It used to bug me that it said, "you couldn't have loved me better". I would get upset and think that's a lie he could've. This time I decided to listen to it. It wasn't long before my heart started softening and I began to connect with the lyrics. I didn't want us to burn out. I was sick of hurting him. I can't make it feel right because I know it's wrong. I was and am already gone. Then a flood of good memories of Nic came to my mind all at once. In those good memories he really couldn't have loved me better. The next thing I knew my anger was gone. Poof! In it's place was compassion. He did make his bed. He was wrong but it didn't matter. I felt compassion for him all the same. All of the hurtful things, even the abuse didn't excuse me from really forgiving him. For so long I was caught up on what was fair when it didn't even matter. Nothing about this was fair! It wasn't about being fair. It was about forgiveness and compassion. The best part was that it was a peaceful feeling. I was moved and touched but I didn't cry and sob over the pain or the loss. My eyes welled a little but only with gratitude to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for lifting this burden off of me. One more time in my life in ,perhaps, an even more powerful way I have learned that THE ATONEMENT IS REAL!
  I felt an urgency to talk to Nic. To tell him how I felt so we could make amends and move on. I called his mom and asked her if next time she talked to Nic she would tell him to call me. She agreed and we talked on the phone for quite a while about forgiveness. Finally she just invited me to come over. We made plans to go to the library and do some shopping. I loaded the kids up and headed that direction. When I got there she immediately handed me the phone. Was there even a question who it was? Heavenly Father, working His magic again, had orchestrated the timing so perfectly. She couldn't call him but it just so happened that Nic called at that exact moment. I was excited to tell him that I forgave him not even knowing how the rest of the divorce would go or how he felt. I told him I forgave him and that I was sorry that we wasted so much time and money in court. I told him I hoped he would get better and repent and I meant it with all of my heart. I told him I loved him but I couldn't love him romantically and hadn't for a long time. I loved him as a child of God. I loved him as the father of my children. I loved him as a piece of my life that made me who I am. I told him I needed to protect the kids first and foremost and that creating our new life was my priority and had to be now. He cried. He too was sorry. He had been praying for us and he was beyond grateful that I had forgiven him. He backed me up 100% as a mother and supported all the decisions I needed to make. We both felt so much peace from that conversation and felt united that this was what was best for the kids.
  Not long after that I got a phone call from my lawyer. He had sent me a copy of Nic's response to my most recent proposition for the divorce. Last week before talking to me Nic had agreed to all of my terms except one. On that one term he came back with an idea that was even better for the kids. His response reflected that of someone who was sorry. Actions and words were aligned. Of course I agreed to the terms and the divorce is on it's way to being finalized.
  I feel so blessed! How fortunate I am that my marriage is ending on this note. A week ago I would've thrown a party and been so excited to be done with it simply because I was free of Nic. Today I am humbled. My attitude has changed. I am still grateful to be able to move on and create my new life. This is right. We aren't supposed to be together. I don't love him the way a wife should. There is somebody else out there for me. However, today I feel grateful that we care about each other enough to let each other go. We are allowing each other to be happy. We have made the choice to do what's best for our children. There is so much peace that comes with that decision.
   Nic did some horrible things (I wasn't perfect either) and I don't know what he'll choose for his future. I don't know if he really will continue down this path of repentance. What I do know is that today I found forgiveness without even knowing what would happen with the divorce. Today I realized forgiveness has no strings attached. It's not really forgiveness if it's predicated on them fulfilling certain expectations. Forgiveness has no expectations. I was fortunate enough that it worked out well for me but I wasn't expecting it to when I forgave him. Forgiveness is a gift, a tender mercy. I call it a tender mercy because it really was. I couldn't force it to happen, believe me I tried. It just came. I don't know why it happened the way it did for me but I do know that my entire day was orchestrated around forgiveness. Heavenly Father's hand guided my day and again I'm even more sure that He is in control of my life as I submit myself to His will.
   Most of you know I have been reading Jesus the Christ and as I've been reading about Christ's final days of His life I have been overwhelmed with His ability to love and forgive those that have persecuted him. When the Roman soldiers came to arrest Him in Gethsemane Peter smote one of them on the ear with a sword. Peter's actions were in defense of His beloved Savior. I can honestly relate to that instinct to protect those I love. Would we not all feel a desire to protect our innocent loved one from evil? In response Christ steps forward and heals his ear then rebukes Peter, "all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be? The cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?" Christ not only forgives this Roman soldier for coming to take Him to His death but He goes a step further and heals his ear.
   Again this is but one example of many that illustrates perfect love and forgiveness. Christ was the ultimate example of forgiveness! Withholding true forgiveness was like Peter taking the sword. It was a choice on my part to fight instead of submitting to the will of the Father. We have been commanded to forgive all men, was I exempt from this commandment? Surely I can try to follow the Savior's example and show some compassion after forgiveness. The Savior's example teaches that the two virtues go hand in hand.
  With all of this being said; forgiveness is a process. It doesn't come as quickly to some as it does to others. Be patient with yourself and realize it takes time. How much time is not always our choice. Keep praying for forgiveness. Study forgiveness. Study the Savior's life and one day the atonement will take the pain and the anger away from you.

Real Beauty

   There was a period of time where I felt like my problems were so big that it was all consuming. I didn't think about others very much. I wasn't trying to be selfish but I was living in a bubble. I thought I was being a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. but my eyes weren't even really open to other people's problems. Luckily I had a few people call me out on it. Yes my problems were quite large and overwhelming but that didn't diminish anyone else's problems. No matter how big or small, the hard things they were going through were just as important as the hard things I was going through. It was a hard reality check for me. Sometimes I'm still not sure if I'm totally aware of those around me. I am doing my best to try to be more sensitive to those around me. I think that is part of the reason I needed this blog.
    Since starting this blog so many of you have shared your hardships with me. Some of you are vague and simply say you're struggling with something and some of you tell me everything. You all have given me strength by sharing with me. I am amazed at the things you have gone through and are going through and I would never have guessed. You all seem so happy and full of light. I'm sorry if this seems out of line and is offensive to some of you but I find your stories and your pain beautiful. It is beautiful that you are still so happy or are even trying to be happy. It is beautiful because it made you exactly the way you are. It is beautiful because you have triumphed and are triumphing. We all love a good story of perseverance and victory over hardship. This is no movie, this is real life. Real problems. Real people. Real strength. Real beauty. No matter how big or small the choice you made to fight is, even if it just means getting out of bed in the morning when you don't think you can, it is inspiring. So many of you are finding joy IN your pain. Not after it's over but in the thick of it. Keep going!! Keep moving forward! Don't you EVER give up!!! I am so in awe of all of you and the hard battles you fight that no one knows about. I feel privileged that you feel comfortable with me to share these stories. They make me stronger and inspire me to be that much better! I have so much respect for you all! Truly even my problems are put into perspective. The world doesn't revolve around me and I really feel that Heavenly Father has given me a wonderful opportunity to grow through you guys and this blog. So thank you for sharing with me! Thank you for sharing my blog with others and for every comment and "like" you give me! It means so much to me! Real beauty isn't how skinny you are, how perfect your complexion is, or how cute your hair looks. Real beauty is every single time you share your goodness with others. It's every single time you fight to embrace light. It's all of the tears you've shed waiting for the light to come. It's the smile on your face even when your world is falling apart. It's living your life with purpose and knowing that you matter. You are the definition of beauty to me.
   With that being said please don't ever forget your worth and never be afraid to ask someone for help. Sometimes you have to reach out to someone and borrow their strength for a little while until you get stronger. That's okay. I've done it many times. Daily we should be kneeling in prayer and asking Heavenly Father for some of His strength. We can't always do it all, that's why we have each other and prayer. I have found that most people are more than willing to lend a hand and it has truly humbled me. I don't like asking for help, in fact I despise it. I have had to ask for help more times than I can count in the last few months and guess what? It didn't kill me! In fact it made me a better person to be vulnerable and allow others to serve me. I only hope I can one day give as much as I've received. And for those of you who are like me; knowing when you need help and asking for it is beautiful! It takes courage to open up to someone and admit you need help. It can be really challenging for some of us. I so desperately want to be self- reliant and independent and do things all on my own. Right now it's not in the cards for me but I'm working to get there and until then I have to swallow my pride and remember that one day I will be there and then it will be my turn to help someone else.
   These last few months I have done things I would never even have imagined I would ever do. I have done more hard things in this short period of time than I probably did in the last 5 years. My world has been turned upside down. I am getting a divorce. I am a single parent of four kids ages 8 and under. I'm trying to go back to work after very little experience working and 7 years of being a stay at home mom. I will more than likely have to move and leave my ward behind. I'm starting school again in the fall after 10 years away. I'm constantly having to adjust my parenting to be a  better parent as my kids are going through a difficult time and I am the only parent they have, and I have virtually no money in my checking account. I think I've blown the roof off of my stress level and yet I don't feel that stressed and I wouldn't change it for my sake. I am getting stronger and I can see myself becoming more and more like the person I always knew I could be. What I've been through and where I am today makes me who I am. My pain makes me beautiful just as yours makes you beautiful to me. I like myself more now than I did a year ago when I didn't have all of those added stresses and pressures.
   I can't talk about beauty without mentioning my daughter. She is very physically beautiful but what gets me is the insane level of inner beauty she possesses. I have watched this little girl choose light before I was even ready to. You would think in this scenario that she would need my help more but it has actually been the opposite. She has been an example of Christ like love unlike any other I have ever known. The way she lives her life and carries herself with so much joy is amazing. She has been helping her brothers process all of the changes and sadness they feel. Her light never left. Here is this eight year old girl who is the direct victim of abuse, who has been betrayed by someone she trusted, and on top of it all forced to do all kinds of adult things and she is the voice of hope and forgiveness in our home. What on earth did I ever do to be worthy enough to be called her mother? I am in awe of her. Without even comprehending what stronger, braver, and fearless really mean she completely embodies them. She is a precious gift to me. I look up to her.

   Love yourself and let hardships make you better. When you get knocked down get back up swinging. Be a fighter. Fight for your life and what you want it to be. I think that 's why I like myself better now. I respect myself more. I didn't even know I was capable of being this brave, strong, or fearless. Nic has a good friend that would always tell him, "tough times don't last, tough people do". I want to end on that note. You can do anything! I promise you will surprise yourself with your own strength as you start to believe that. Once again thank you for sharing your beauty with me!
  

The Lies We Tell

  CPS came on Friday the 23rd and scheduled to have my daughter come in on Thursday the 29th for interviewing. It was one day short of a week. It was the longest week of my life! They dropped this bomb on me that my husband may or may not have abused our daughter and then they left me with no further details or answers until the following Thursday. I didn't know what to do. Should I talk to family and friends and tell them what happened? What if it wasn't true and then everyone was paranoid around Nic. I have heard that apparently I was pretty lucky. Usually they don't have an opening to interview the victims that quickly. My heart truly hurts for those families that have to wait and wonder. It is nothing short of agony.
   I'm not sure when I told the kids Nic wouldn't be coming home for a while or even what I said. I remember reminding them how much he loved them. I didn't want them to feel abandoned by him at all. I know they could sense the tension and stress in the air and I know they saw my tears. I was so worried about protecting them and shielding them from all of the pain. I knew it was inevitable that they would feel some pain but I wanted to believe I could protect them from it. My daughter was a wreck that first week. She cried every night for daddy. She couldn't sleep. I have never seen her more distraught. I believe she put two and two together and realized that she told somebody what he did and then he was gone. She would cry to me every single night. I would always reassure her that daddy loved her. Every single time she had a meltdown I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. How do I convince this little girl that it isn't her fault? How do I make her see that she is innocent? How do I let her know that he didn't love her the right way a daddy should? I would lay there awake at night wondering how I, Celeste, who was such an imperfect parent and person was supposed to help these perfect children heal.
   I don't remember much else about that week in fact I was prompted to keep a planner with notes to write down details. I'm so thankful I did because most of that week is completely gone from my memory. The one thing I do remember is my mom came up from Utah on Monday the 26th. I had braved 2 nights alone with my kids and I was craving some help and comfort that only a mother can give. I remember I was folding laundry in my room when I heard my kids let my mom in. She came up the stairs and all I did was look at her before I burst into tears. She held me while I sobbed on her shoulder and I felt all of the pain and sadness I'd kept in those last 2 days come out all at once. In that moment I felt like a child who'd fallen and skinned their knee and wanted mommy to make it better. In a lot of ways she did make it better.
  According to my planner I had fasted twice that week and attended the temple twice. I don't remember that either. I don't remember praying, though I know I did. I don't remember church that first Sunday or if I even went. I lived mostly in a fog of shock that week. I'm certain Tory, my sister, brother, and sister-in-law were over but those memories are also gone.
   The time for the interview came and I took my daughter to the Justice Center which I never even knew existed in my town. I still wish I didn't know it existed. She was pretty nervous. I prepped her on the way over basically just saying, "Some really nice people want to talk to you and ask you some questions." Really basic and simple. They didn't want her to be scared or to be swayed one way or the other. That was another really hard thing. I couldn't talk to her at all that first week about what she said Nic had done. As a parent my first instinct when something bad happens to my child is to ask them about it and comfort them. I felt so helpless. We walked into the Justice Center and she was given a comfort blanket and allowed to go play in the toy room while they went over some of the details of what would be happening during the interview. I wasn't allowed to be with her because sometimes kids are scared to say things in front of their parents. I also couldn't watch the interview from behind the glass because some parents in the past had lost control while watching their kids get interviewed. I was left in a little room while they took her back. I sat there praying and waiting for what seemed like forever. Finally the detective and social worker came in and read to me what was said in the interview and told me about her responses. She told them a little but she didn't talk the way they needed her to. She kept saying, "I don't remember." Without a solid testimony from her and no evidence we were dead in the water. That meant that the case would close and even if Nic was really guilty without proof he would be free to come home again. I was panicked. I had a hunch he did it and I could never feel comfortable letting him back in unless I was 100% positive he hadn't harmed our child. What if he did it again? What if he said something to her and scared her? They advised I put her in counseling and hopefully she would eventually open up and we could re-open the case. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed to protect my babies. One time was one time too many. I would've  rather disappeared with my kids leaving everybody I loved behind than let them get hurt again or expose them to the possibility. I had a mother bear instinct kick in and a righteous anger. I went home and dropped to my knees and told Heavenly Father, "I will NOT let them be hurt anymore. Please help me!" So I devised a plan. I was going to meet Nic and question him myself. He had opened up to me before about things and I was convinced I could get him to talk and when he did I was going to record him. They wanted proof and I was going to get to the bottom of this and get them proof.
    I had arranged to meet Nic at a restaurant later that evening. I made sure my mom and brother were both aware in case things went sour. We weren't sure what Nic's state of mind was or how he might react if he was backed into a corner. My mom was scared spit less. I was a bundle of nerves. My brother being the protector he is was giving me all kinds of little safety tips and warnings. I began to shake. I had never in my life done something so bold. I had my brother give me another priesthood blessing.
    When I got to the restaurant I turned on the recording device and hid it in my purse. Seeing Nic was hard. I hadn't seen him since the accusations were made. We sat across from each other. We were both crying. I kept asking him, "Is it true?" He would always say no. "Why would she say that Nic?" "I don't know." It turned out to be another dead end in the evidence department. He kept saying he didn't do it and he couldn't wait to get home. He loved us so much. He missed me. We would do things differently. All of this was said with sadness and tears in his eyes. I do believe he was sincere in his emotion but that night I knew for sure he was lying. As I sat staring into his eyes, both of us crying in the middle of a restaurant the spirit said, "Something is not right. He isn't being truthful." I could feel it in every bone of my body that he was being dishonest.
    Sometimes when we know we've done something really wrong we lie. We lie to others because we don't want to get in trouble. We lie to others because we don't want to hurt them. The worst lie is the lie we tell to ourselves. We can't fully repent until we admit what we've done wrong in all of its honesty. I KNOW Nic meant every word he said. He fully intended to do things differently. He had convinced himself that he would never do it again and he would change. He would read his scriptures, go to the temple more, pray more often, be kinder at home. The problem is it doesn't work like that. God knows all and there are consequences to be paid either in this life or the life to come. Nic didn't want to pay those consequences. Why would he? I mean honestly who wants to admit to that? I have thought long and hard about why he had to pay the consequences. Why couldn't it be as easy as just doing better, being better? For one thing he broke the law and there are repercussions for doing so but on a spiritual note it goes beyond that.

        D&C 82:3
        For of him unto whom
        much is given much is
        required; and he who sins
        against the greater light shall
        receive the greater condemnation.

       D&C 82:10
       I, the Lord, am bound
       when ye do what I say; but
       when ye do not what I say, ye
       have no promise.

Nic had the greater light. He had made sacred covenants which means more was required of him. He didn't uphold his end of the promise so therefore he had no promise from Heavenly Father. He had to confess in full honesty his mistakes and receive his consequences or "condemnation". After doing so and being humbled sufficiently, being better and living better then come into play.
    The lies we tell ourselves are often the real cause of our downfall. It's not always the sin itself it's lying to ourselves about the severity of the sin or lying to ourselves that if we bury it deep enough it will go away. I'm here to tell you that's not the case. Honesty is soooo big! Be honest with others but most of all be honest with yourself and with Heavenly Father! How do we expect Him to trust us if we won't tell Him the truth? Lies keep light away. If you have an addiction or a serious problem and someone asks you about it and you lie they can't help you. The same goes with lies to yourself and Heavenly Father. You cannot help yourself if you lie about your problem. Heavenly Father cannot help you if you lie to Him about your problem. I've made A LOT of mistakes and they always got worse and I made even more mistakes when I lied to myself and my Heavenly Father. It's not always easy to tell the truth and it's definitely not fun. When I was a kid I told a lot of whoppers. My siblings could tell you all of the crazy lies I told. There are actually some pretty comical ones. I got caught in quite a few of those whoppers. Finally I realized as hard as it is to tell the truth it is easier than getting caught. *lightbulb* That was an "ah ha moment" for me. The feeling you get when you lie and get caught is so much worse. I always felt so much better for at least having a shred of decency and telling the truth about what I'd done than having no dignity and getting caught.
   My point is the moment we decide to be honest the help and the light start to come back in. I cannot stress enough how much honesty means to me now. I know Heavenly Father will always help us even when we've made mistakes. He loves us and He WANTS to help us but we have to let Him and tell the truth no matter how hard that may be. It is never too late to decide to live an honest life. Ask yourself what lies do you tell Him? What lies do you tell yourself? Sometimes they're as simple as a lie about your worth. I know it is common for women, myself included, to think we aren't good enough. Not skinny enough, not patient enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, etc. That, my friends, is a lie!! Other times the lie is on a bigger scale like the severity of a sin or addiction like I previously mentioned. No matter how big or small the lies we tell ourselves are they need to stop!! STOP!! You ARE good enough!! That WAS bad!! You CAN repent!! Now for a truth; He loves you! He will NEVER stop loving you!! You could go out tomorrow and kill a guy and He would love you. You could gain 100 pounds and He would love you. Just as a parent would never stop loving their child He will not stop loving you. His love for you is infinite and unconditional!  Don't forget His love and don't forget that lies are the wedge between you and His love.