Relationship Status: Divorced

   I am officially divorced. I thought it might feel different. I thought I might feel embarrassed, ashamed, sad, maybe even excited or liberated. I don't really feel any of those things. Mostly I feel grateful. I have been blessed to have Nic in my life. It wasn't always easy, in fact it was pretty hard most of the time. He has obviously made some pretty big mistakes and I've had my share of mistakes as well, although not as obvious. Despite the difficulty of our marriage I still feel lucky. I have four beautiful kids as a result, how could I not feel lucky? We had some good times and made some great memories that I'll never forget. I mainly feel fortunate because of the note we ended our marriage on. Now that might sound strange to most of you since he ended up in prison for abusing our daughter. I will admit it was really ugly for a long time. I was angry, he was defensive and seemed to lack true remorse. The day that I forgave Nic is the day all of that changed. Heavenly Father has worked His magic on our relationship through the healing powers of Christ's atoning sacrifice.

   About a week after Nic and I had our talk about forgiveness he called me again. We talked for quite a while about the books he was reading, the things he was learning from the scriptures, how the kids were doing, and some logistics. Towards the end of the conversation Nic asked me a question, "Are you dating anyone?" To which I responded with some shock, "No, we're still married. I made covenants." I was confused as to why he would even ask me that. Then he said something that brought healing to my heart. "Well when the time comes I hope you find someone who treats you better than I ever did. I know you will be smart and find someone who will love our kids." It blew me away that those words had come out of his mouth. I had been nervous that when I started dating again that he would give me a hard time. Instead he basically gave me his blessing to move on. Now let me be clear; I know I never needed his blessing. I wasn't holding out for it or looking for his permission but the fact that he was mature enough to let me go without anymore fighting meant a lot. It will be so much easier for me and the kids to move on with our lives. 

  Another time we were talking on the phone and I asked him a question that had been nagging me in the back of my mind for months. I said, "Nic I know what you did was not my fault or anyone else's but I have to know is there something I could have done differently to have helped you more effectively? What could I have done better? Could I have done anything that might have prevented the abuse? As I move forward I want to better understand my complicity to the downfall of our marriage." Nic began to cry and with thick emotion in his voice he replied, "I can't believe you are even asking me this. It hurts that you even have those thoughts. Nothing you did was wrong. It was all me. I was the one who wasn't doing the things I needed to. I was the one who wasn't listening to the spirit. I was the one who kept making bad choices. You couldn't have done anything better."  I know I wasn't perfect but I was so relieved to know that I wasn't a failure at marriage. Through these conversations I have gained closure. I realize not everybody gets that which is why I feel so fortunate. 

   Nic and I don't talk often. I have probably only spoken to him four times. One day I got off of the phone with him and my mom looked at me with some concern on her face. "Does talking to Nic reel you back in?" I can honestly say it doesn't. The best thing about all of this is I feel 100% neutral. We talk and after hanging up I feel like I have just had a pleasant conversation with a friend. I don't feel any romantic feelings whatsoever or any anger whatsoever. I feel completely unaffected. It is a wonderful, amazing thing! I see it as a blessing for our kids. I hope the peace I feel can be carried over to my kids and that they will be able to forgive and have peace in their hearts. I hope Nic stays on this path of remorse and humility that he's on right now. 

   I will always be cautious and on guard with Nic because of the abuse. He will not be fully trusted but I do think there is some hope for him or what is the atonement for?

   I have closed the last chapter of a good book. This book made me laugh and it made me cry. It was both tender and heartbreaking. There were a lot of obstacles and challenges in the plot but in the end there was peace and closure. Now it is time for me to start a new book in the series. I am excited to see where my life goes! I feel so much more confident and comfortable in my skin. I have learned so many things about myself. I am hopeful for a love story that doesn't end. 

   I know that everyone's experiences are different. For me personally, I am absolutely confident that Heavenly Father has completely directed my life these last ten months. I have NEVER been alone. I have struggled a lot and at times I have felt very alone but in hindsight I never was. I have seen so many miracles and tender mercies. I know what compassion is. What it really is. I feel like the Heaven's have been opened and blessings have just poured down on my little family. I am so grateful for prayer and my personal relationship with God! My life would have taken a very different turn without a personal relationship with Him. I know that if we will just let Him in we will be blessed beyond measure even while facing the most difficult challenges in life! It is because of the atonement that I have found joy again. It is because of the atonement that my marriage ended without any tears shed on that final day. It is because of the atonement that I can reflect on our marriage and intellectually realize how painful it was but feel no pain. It is because of the atonement that I can reflect on our marriage and smile at the good times. It is because of the atonement that I feel hopeful and grateful for where I am at in my life right now, at this very moment. It is because of the atonement that I am confident about my future no matter what it brings.