"She Will Be Loved"

I'm not sure I ever knew quite what real loneliness was like until this past year. The thing about loneliness is it comes and goes often with no rhyme or reason. In one day I can literally go from enjoying the freedom of single life to aching for anyone to come along and then back again to let freedom ring. On one such day I had a great morning and felt very optimistic. "Life is good" was my outlook most of the day. It just so happens that day was my brother's birthday as well. After my kids went to bed I decided to look for a picture of my brother holding me when I was a baby. I wanted to post it to facebook and instagram with a touching tribute to him in honor of his birthday. I never found the picture. What I found instead was a letter and a picture from my first love as well as pictures of Nic and I when we were dating. I sat there on the floor and looked at those pictures for quite some time. Then I read the letter:

Angel (got to love cheesy nicknames), 

Never in my life has anyone impacted my life the way you have. (Blah, blah, blah). You are a beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father and your earthly parents have done a beautiful job raising you. (blah, blah, blah). I've had probably the best summer of my life and you have opened my eyes to the hidden blessings of my life. Dreams do come true. (Blah, blah, blah, blah ,blah! This kind of thing went on for two whole pages). 

                                                                                           Love, 

                                                                                           Mark 

I don't mean to make light of the words he wrote by using all of the blah's but reading it back again in that moment it felt like a bunch of lies. I felt like if he really meant all of those words he wouldn't have made some of the choices he ultimately made. Normally I am very grateful to have experienced such a sweet experience the first time I fell in love and often I wish for my own daughter to have her first love be as sweet. Uncharacteristically of me, I felt bitter. He didn't mean those things, they were just hollow words and as a naive 15 year old girl I believed him (cue T. Swift's song "Fifteen" lol). 

And with that thought a wave of loneliness hit me and started to pull me down to the ocean depths. Before I could stop myself one negative thought was turning into another and another. "Nic didn't really love me deeply either". Followed by, "why hasn't anybody ever loved me enough to fight for me?" The grand finale was, " maybe I am unlovable and I will never find anyone to love me as much as I love them". 

Obviously at this point I was now in full blown pity party mode so naturally I turned on my go to song for when I'm in such a mood; "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. In true romantic comedy form I pathetically belted out every word between sobs (honestly thinking about myself doing this I have to chuckle). About the fifth time through, during mid chorus I began to have a dialogue with myself.

 "What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm wallowing."

"Stop. Are you really going to buy into this crap again?"

"Yes, yes I am thank you! I am unlovable and I'm never going to be in love again. I'm lonely and I'll always be lonely so go away and let me be pathetic in peace."

"You realize the biggest lies here are coming from you and not your ex's right?"

"um......what do you mean?"

"You are lovable and you know it. You're just having a tough moment, that doesn't mean you have to jump all the way to labeling yourself as unlovable and make dramatic statements like you'll never find love again."

"Okay maybe you have a point."

"What's this maybe business? I DO have a point! You are lovable! You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being mean to yourself. You are not pathetic just because you feel sad and lonely. That's normal. Everyone feels sad and lonely sometimes especially in circumstances like yours."

"You're right! I'm not going to do this anymore right now. I'm tired of entertaining these negative thoughts about myself and my life."

That's when it hit me that "she will be loved" was really, she is loved. Memories of my brothers and sisters came rushing to my mind as well as thoughts of friends, my kids, extended family, and Heavenly Father. A million memories flooded my mind of hundreds of people and hundreds of ways they had shown me I was loved. I had sat there feeling completely and totally sorry for myself and once those memories had come to my mind I realized I was the complete opposite of unlovable. I have complete strangers who love me just from reading this blog, simply because they relate to me and feel sympathy and/or empathy for me as a fellow child of God. I have brothers and sisters who would do anything for me and practically have. I am fortunate to have not just one best friend but a dozen close friends that I would call best friends. I have four kids who think I am the whole world! The things people have done for me and I was sitting there feeling unlovable!!! Ludicrous!

So if you are like me and you have struggled or are struggling with feelings of rejection, loneliness, or being unlovable my message to you is not that you will be loved but that you ARE loved! Right now, this very minute you are loved! 

For starters,  I love you whether I know you or not, simply because you are a fellow child of God and a human being with feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions, I too, have felt. I honestly cannot think of a soul that I have met that I didn't love in this most basic and purest of ways. 

Someone in your life loves you. A mother, a father, a child, friend, aunt, cousin, etc. I challenge you to really think about it. There is at least one person, if not multiple people, in your life that loves you and wants to see you happy. Focus on that love and be grateful for it. The more you focus on the love you do have in your life the less likely you are to feel sorry for yourself and be depressed. 

Finally, and this is HUGE so pay attention, you have a Heavenly Father and Savior who love you beyond measure!!! Heavenly Father loves you so much that He is literally available anytime, anywhere you need Him. All you have to do is pray. He is waiting to hear from you so He can comfort you, just as a parent would comfort their own child. He knows you in a way only a parent can know their child and He is anxiously waiting for you to come to Him so He can calm your heart and give you more strength to keep going. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to atone for your sins and heartaches.

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves you quite possibly the most of anyone because He has actually felt your heartbreaks and pains. He has been with you every step of the way, through every never ending night. He KNOWS you! He knows you in a way no one else does. He knows your heart and He loves you the way no one else can! Please believe He is there and you won't feel so alone. If you will get on your knees and pray to know if He is real, pray to know if He has felt your pain, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you will feel His love in some way or another. You are not alone! You are loved and have always been loved!

I realize that it isn't the same as a romantic love. Trust me, I know the ache for someone to hold your hand and to share your life with. I really don't know when that kind of love will come along for me and that in and of itself makes me feel lonely. However, what I do know is that I am NOT unlovable. I don't need to wait to be loved, I am loved right now. Focusing on all of the love I do have in my life, even if its not romantic, takes the edge off of the pain. In moments of my greatest loneliness knowing that my Savior, too, felt lonely, not only in His own life but also in my life through the powers of the atonement, makes me feel less lonely because by very definition I am not alone. Correctly understanding the atonement brings enlightenment that we are never alone.

One day I hope to be loved romantically and love in return. At times I might ache for such love but it is my testimony that as I change my way of thinking and turn towards the Savior that I will know a love that is deeper and purer than any other love in existence. I will know the love of the Savior and I will feel it now, not one day.  



                                   Turn thoughts like this.....

Into this:

                                                                       And this:

1. • 
     
2. 
   

How?

One of my mom's biggest concerns about passing on is she wants to make sure I'm okay. She longs to see me happily married to a wonderful man who will be crazy about me and my kiddos. Since her diagnosis I have reassured her many times that I will be okay because I am okay right now. I honestly believe it. I know that no matter what, marriage or not, I will be okay. I will figure out my career and with Heavenly Father's help I will be enough for my kids. It will be very challenging at times but I will be okay.

A couple of days ago I had gone upstairs and read Jesus the Christ with my mom. Towards the end of the chapter we were on I started to feel kind of funny. I don't know how to explain it other than I just felt really tired and off, nothing major was wrong and there were no distinct symptoms but I just didn't feel well. It was a general feeling of ick. So for the first time in months I took a nap. When I awoke I felt really peaceful and the veil felt very thin, almost as if I had seen a loved one who had passed on in a dream. All throughout that day I couldn't shake the feeling that I had had contact with a loved one's spirit and that they were nearby. It was a very sweet and calming feeling.

Later that evening a thought popped in my head, "why now does the veil feel thin?" That thought left me feeling a little uneasy as I connected it to my mom and her condition. Soon thoughts were coming like, "is she going to pass really soon?" and "am I being prepared for her passing". I finally dozed off a little only to awaken around one a.m. with an anxious feeling. I needed to go check on my mom. It was late and I didn't want to scare her but I listened to that feeling and crept quietly up the back stairs. When I cracked open her door she looked at me. "Mom are you okay?" "I'm fine what's wrong? Come sit by me." I sat by her on the bed and told her what I'd been feeling that day. In regards to my nap she suggested I was being taught by heavenly spirits in my dreams. We talked for a while and it felt like old times before she got sick. Finally I said, "Mom I really do know I'm going to be okay when you pass but I need to hear you say it. I need to know that you know I'm going to be okay.  I am going to be okay, right?" She quietly and confidently replied, "You are going to be okay. I raised my kids to be tough stuff and you will be just fine. Happier times are coming." That night I did feel more comforted after talking to my mom and fell asleep pretty quickly once I went back to bed.

The next day I made plans to attend the temple. I really needed some extra comfort and wanted to go to the Jordan River Temple one last time before it closed for renovations. As I was sitting through a session the same questions from the day before kept popping back into my mind. "Was I being prepared for her passing and was it going to happen sooner than I was expecting?" In the Celestial room my thoughts were focused on the Plan of Salvation and mortality. I sat there contemplating for a long time when I finally began to cry and I looked up at the chandelier as if looking to the Heavens and asked, "How am I going to be okay? I know I will be but how?" And with that the tears flowed freely. I knew I would be okay one way or another because of what I've already been through but losing my mom..... that is an overwhelming thought despite being 100% confident of where she's going to be and that I will still feel her. The fear and sorrow I hadn't allowed myself to feel was finally felt in that Celestial room because I knew I would find comfort there. What I didn't expect was for Heavenly Father to answer my question right then and there. With tears still streaming down my cheeks a sweet, young blonde woman, whom I noticed had also been crying, came over and sat down next to me. "Would you like someone to talk to? I noticed you were also crying and thought maybe we could give each other some comfort." We sat there whispering our stories and our pain to each other and exchanged words of comfort and support. After we had changed our clothes we hugged and exchanged phone numbers. "I'm so glad I met you!" She said. "Me too, and don't hesitate to text me or call."

I got in the car and I felt so much better. I felt sorrow for this woman and her trials but I was no longer focused on mine. How marvelous to have made a friend in the temple of all places. Surely our paths were meant to cross. However, it wasn't until I was nearly home that I heard my answer. "That's how. You will be okay because I will send others to comfort you just like I always have. I will use my other children to comfort you and you will comfort them. Service. That's how."

What a powerful moment that was for me! Just by being kind we are serving. A simple smile or a few kind words can be the answer to someone's prayers and in turn we can find the answer to ours. These little acts of service can become our how to make it through a difficult trial. When we act on those promptings to serve we lift each other up and "how am I going to be okay?" turns into "who needs my help?"