The Question All Christians Should Ask : "Am I a Christian?"

   

    Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, Nic Butterfield. What do these 3 people have in common? One is famous and is used to being in the public eye. Another is a mother from Arizona who I know very little about. Finally the last is my ex whom I know a lot about and he is pretty well known in the valley where we live. What links these three together? They are all Christians whose mistakes have been made public. They have all been judged very harshly by other people who are Christian as well.
   What is a Christian? Let's look at the basic definition:

 

Chris·tian

ˈkrisCHən/

noun

plural noun: Christians

1. a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings

 

 "A believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings". That stuck out to me. On my own path to forgiveness for Nic I have thought a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Jesus taught a lot of things many of which I still don't fully comprehend. I don't claim to be an expert on His life although I am daily trying to learn more about Him. We learn through the scriptures repeatedly that Jesus taught about love. Jesus taught about compassion. Jesus taught about forgiveness. The Sermon on the Mount is a terrific example of a time that He taught these virtues.

 

 

Matthew 5:38-40

 

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

 

Matthew 5: 43-44

 

43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

Matthew 7:1-5

 

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 

At the Last Supper He, again, gives counsel to love one another.

 

John 13: 34-35

 

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    

  I could go on. There are so many accounts in the scriptures where Jesus tells us to love one another. To forgive our enemies. Not to place judgment.

  I have seen so many people say such awful hateful things. I'm not the type to be hateful and never have been but I have been guilty of placing judgment. Before this experience of abuse in my own life my perspective towards obvious sin was very different. If someone made an obvious mistake then I could be quick to jump on the band wagon of casting blame. I had moments where I was an "eye for an eye" kind of person. I am ashamed of those thoughts and thinking patterns. When Nic was sentenced they published it in the paper and the online media forums for the paper. I made the mistake of reading some of the comments below. It made me physically ill. What he did was heinous but when did it become okay to wish for a complete stranger to die?

 Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, and Nic Butterfield have all been publically and openly judged. They have varying levels of mistakes. In Cherish's case it was just that, a mistake. Nic and Josh have actually sinned. Whatever the reason or cause, when did it become okay to point fingers and condemn someone? Where in the scriptures does Christ give us permission to call someone a terrible mother? Where does Christ say it's okay to hate someone we don't even know? Where does it say it's okay to hate period? I do feel compassion for Josh Duggar. It is a heart wrenching and grievous thing his family is now having to endure as a result of his choices. I feel so much empathy for his wife. He has obviously made some horrible mistakes and choices but I am not perfect. I cannot cast a stone. There needs to be consequences. I am a firm believer in being accountable for ALL of our choices. If I didn't believe in accountability I would not have gone to such great lengths in my life to see that Nic was held accountable. What I cannot and do not support is spreading judgment and hate. Instead of name calling and labeling how much better would this world be if we sought for solutions for the problem. How can we stop abuse? Does calling him an explicit term do anything to keep it from happening to someone else? No! Stand  up and choose to make a difference. Stand up and choose to think a little deeper about motivations and the cause of the problem. When we choose to expand our thoughts beyond judgment and hate we will find solutions to problems. When we choose to embrace love and seek His help then we can make a difference! Be more intelligent then the ignorance of hatred!

   If we want this world to become a better place then we need to teach our children to follow Christ. To really love one another including our enemies and those we don't understand. I will never fully understand or comprehend  Nic's choices but I don't need to. It doesn't say love your enemy only if you understand them. Comprehension for someone's behavior is not required in order to have compassion for them. Initially there was a lot of anger. Finally I had to look inside myself and really question ,"Am I a Christian? What does that mean?"

   Bottom line no matter what it is, sin or innocent mistake ; stop passing judgment! Stop spreading hate! If we claim to be Christians then we need to try a little harder and make more of an effort to forgive and love EVERYBODY! Will I love perfectly like Christ did? Probably not. But I can sure be better then I have been before.

  A friend of mine shared this quote today on a facebook group page that is supporting Cherish with the hashtag of #istandwithcherish or as I like to call it #stopspreadinghate #nojudgment #compassion #iamaChristian #loveoneanother

 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

~Marvin J. Ashton

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A Beautiful Mess" : The Truth About Motherhood

 

When I was little I wanted to be either : A. a famous singer or B. a mother. I am the youngest of nine so there were always plenty of nieces and nephews around. I was crazy about my nieces and nephews! I would prefer babysitting them over hanging out with friends. I have always loved little kids and as I got older and realized the singer thing wasn't in the cards (haha tell that to my bathroom mirror) I focused even more on becoming a mother. I was fortunate to grow up knowing how important motherhood is and I desired to have my own children so badly. I married young, 18 to be exact and very quickly discovered I was pregnant with a honeymoon baby. Before our first anniversary I had my beautiful baby girl. She was perfect! There are no words adequate enough to describe that feeling when you become a parent. It is such an instantaneous spiritual bond. However, before long I started having overwhelming thoughts. I didn't feel like I was cut out to be a mom. I loved my daughter but I started thinking I should just run away, that she would be better off without me. It wasn't until she was 9 months old that I discovered I was suffering from an extended case of baby blues. I had no idea that was even a thing! My doctor put me on an antidepressant which helped a ton but I was humiliated. I felt so much shame that I had depression. What kind of a mother gets depressed from being a mother?
  When I got pregnant with baby number two Nic left to go work as a contractor in Iraq. I knew that I would need the antidepressant to survive without him. Again I hated that I had depression and that I needed medication but I had learned that I was a better mother on the medication. I bounced back pretty quickly after having him and I was able to lose all of my baby weight and wean myself completely off of my medication. I felt like I had this whole motherhood thing down.
  Nic came home from Iraq after my oldest son (baby #2) had just turned one. We were so happy to be together again and those first few months were probably the happiest of our entire marriage. Two kids was a piece of cake! So we decided to have a third. I prayed and prayed to get pregnant and when I did I thanked the Lord for a third baby in my belly. Disaster struck. Nic and I encountered some serious marital problems and I felt like we had gone from the peak of the mountain to the very bottom of the valley. Depression came back in full force, stronger then before. I even had suicidal thoughts. It was not a happy time for us. I felt like the world's worst mother and wife. The guilt was all consuming. After I had baby #3 I was finally able to shake off most of the depression.
  Because of the difficulties we were facing in our marriage and the severity of the depression I had experienced we decided to take a breather from having any more kids. I went into my doctor and got an IUD. When baby #3 was only 9 months old I started to feel funny. I had been pregnant enough times by then to recognize the symptoms but there was no way..... I took a pregnancy test and then another one and another one.  They all said the same thing; I was pregnant. I bawled. I didn't know if I had it in me to fight that depression again. I was going to have four kids at 25! These last two would only be 18 months apart! I was so scared and completely overwhelmed. I had an IUD how could I be pregnant? Where was it? Despite my lack of enthusiasm about being pregnant I was still highly concerned for the well being of this child. What if the IUD was hurting the baby? I had a couple of extensive ultrasounds and they couldn't find the IUD anywhere. I was blessed with that pregnancy to have little to no depression. It was almost as if Heavenly Father was telling me, "you are supposed to have this baby but I know why you're scared and what you can handle". I had a beautiful baby boy who was perfectly healthy with zero complications. They found the IUD attached to my bladder after I delivered him. (SIDENOTE: I will never understand abortion. Even though I was less than thrilled about being pregnant there was instantly a part of me that loved that baby. I KNEW it was very much alive in me. I don't comprehend feeling like that isn't a life. That it doesn't matter. I don't get the feeling of I don't want a baby so I'm just going to kill it before it can grow any more. To me that is incredibly selfish. That baby turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life and looking at him now how could I ever have put an end to his development?)
   Nic started to work away from home again for the third time in our marriage. I would only see him on the weekends and he was gone all week long. With four kids ages 6 and under and no husband all week I began to feel overwhelmed and depressed again. There was a strain on our marriage that wasn't just from him being out of town. I know now what that was. Back then I didn't know why he was so grumpy and unhappy. I felt trapped. Powerless. I couldn't change him or control the situation at all. I felt like a single parent much of our marriage. Now that I really am a single parent I can honestly say that I kind of was. That last year of our marriage I was on two antidepressants.
   The point? Motherhood and family life is freaking hard!!! So many of my family and friends are struggling right now with this very issue. I like to call it mommy guilt. To those friends and family ( you know who you are) stop beating yourself up! I get it, I have always wanted to be a mom so why was it so hard for me? I was literally living my dream! 1. Hormones: this should be a four letter word. They change all the freaking time! When you're ovulating. When you're on your period. When you get pregnant. When you have a baby. When you're nursing. It never stops! A lot of our "crazy" feelings come from hormones. It is 100% normal and you are NOT alone! If you recognize that it is hormones you can sometimes curb some of those feelings. You can also do some hormone therapy to help you balance out. 2. It is one thing to babysit a kid ,even extensively, and another thing completely to be a kid's EVERYTHING! You are on the clock 24/7. You want to take a shower? Sorry the baby is hungry. Getting ready to go somewhere? The four year old threw his shoes over the fence.  You're hungry? So are the kids and they are louder and more persistent about their hunger. You want to sleep in? Go ahead try it but don't blame me when you discover there is mustard all over the carpet throughout the house (true story). You get the point. They need us ALL.THE.TIME. I'm sorry but, it is supposed to be easy because why exactly? 3. The guilt. Between all of the madness and chaos our kids will do something totally and completely endearing. The "mommy I wuv you" and little hands on our faces because they want to kiss us. These things make motherhood totally worth it but if we're not careful they also make us feel guilty. The train of thought can go a little like this, " awe I can't believe he said he loves me more than all the animals in Africa. He is so sweet and innocent how could I ever be impatient with him? I'm a terrible mother for losing my temper." Sound familiar? We've all done it at least once. Stop it! We lose our temper and we make mistakes because it's freaking hard to have a bunch of little humans yelling at you at the same time for chocolate milk. 4. Comparisons. "Hilary on fb just posted that the leprechauns visited their house for St. Patrick's Day. Is that a thing? Crap my poor kids, they didn't get any leprechaun visits. She is such a better mom than me! She is always doing pinterest worthy things." Sometimes I do awesome things with my kids and I do share it on social media and sometimes we're just lucky the Christmas presents are wrapped. Stop comparing yourself to other moms! Or even to yourself and what you did last year! Stop!
    Motherhood is simultaneously the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done! The fulfillment I get from being a mother has by far surpassed my highest expectations! I believe it is the most noble and important thing I will ever do! I love my children with everything I have! I have sacrificed everything to keep them safe and I would do it again. The pain I have endured physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually to have and take of them is overwhelming at times but I wouldn't change any of it for one minute! It's a completely different kind of love then I have ever experienced. They make me better and stronger then I ever thought possible! Those of you that are struggling right now with mommy guilt or depression please know you are not alone! Something that my own mother told me once really touched me, "Celeste, you are an amazing mother. Nobody loves your kids more than you do! Nobody know what they need like you do. Stop beating yourself up!" My kids make life worth living. The depression has gotten better. A lot of it was situational because of my marriage. Since everything has happened in January I have completely gotten off of one antidepressant and am on a low dose of the other. I am happier than I have ever been! I have made it through a difficult phase. This difficult phase you are experiencing will pass and you will be a happier mom. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself. It will get easier as you learn to balance each new phase. In the meantime GO WATCH  "MOMS NIGHT OUT", RIGHT NOW! Like right now!!! That movie so perfectly captures the chaos and the blessing that motherhood is. I laughed my butt off and cried my eyes out! We are all doing the best we can to raise these sweet little humans and we are, "a beautiful mess". I wouldn't have it any other way!

P.S. Today my 4 year old locked the keys in the car and I had to break into the car. It never ends, you just get better at coping with it and forgiving yourself when you don't cope so well.


                                       THE BEST MEMES ABOUT MOTHERHOOD:

 

                                Every single day I suffer from shower schizophrenia.

Falling Apart

 There have been so many little ironies in my life these last few months. Over time I've come to believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. Remember when I went to the lawyer to file for divorce and our song came on the radio? Well that was the first of many ironies that Heavenly Father placed in my life. Nic had just been arrested and the automated notification system informed me that his first court appearance was scheduled for our oldest son's birthday, April 7th. His second appearance was scheduled for our daughter's birthday, April 24th. I thought, "you've got to be kidding me". By the time his sentencing was scheduled I wasn't the least bit surprised when they told me it would be on June 23rd, our 9th wedding anniversary.
  The week before his sentencing I was a complete wreck. I was constantly praying and fasting for the right thing to happen for our little family. One day I had just gotten home from the grocery store and was sitting in the car still when I received a phone call from the victim witness coordinator. (A fancy term for middle man between me and the prosecuting attorney). She wanted me to know that they had completed Nic's psychosexual evaluation. (A psychosexual evaluation is an extensive evaluation that helps them to determine how likely someone is to reoffend. They take all kinds of things into consideration: past offenses, their personal sex lives, drug and alcohol use, and even personality traits such as chauvinism.) The next sentence out of her mouth shocked me to the core, "He came back as high risk to reoffend in part because of his alcohol use." It took me a minute to process what she was saying, "I'm sorry what?........... Alcohol usage? Are you sure you're looking at Nic's file? He bragged about never drinking even a drop of alcohol." She confirmed that ,yes, it was Nic's file. I got off the phone and completely lost it. Who was I married to? It wasn't even the fact that he drank that really got me. It was the secrecy and the duplicity. I had lived with a complete stranger! I didn't even know Nic. I was angry, hurt, and angry again. "How dare he! How could I be so blind? How could I be so stupid? When did he drink? How did I not know? I'm such a naïve fool!" My mind was racing.
  That same night was a Relief Society meeting at which Ashlee Birk was the keynote speaker. My friend Shannon had arranged for her to speak to her ward and graciously invited any who wanted to attend to come. Ashlee also has a blog called The Moments We Stand. I highly recommend that you go check it out! You will not regret it and you will find that before you know it hours have passed by and you're still reading.  I mentioned her in my very first post. She is part of the reason I started my blog. Her faith and testimony inspired me so much and helped me to realize that I wasn't alone. Anyway, I had the opportunity to meet her that night and I had been looking forward to it for weeks! The spirit was strong and Ashlee was even more amazing in person! She is very beautiful but even more so in person because she radiates kindness and light. As she spoke I related so much to what was being said. She talked about her own betrayal and I was literally sobbing. When she finished I pulled it together (lie, I only thought I did) and approached her and introduced myself. I had to let her know how much she had helped me. I was shocked when she gave me a hug. With that one act of kindness I fell apart. All of the stress I had felt from that day and yet another secret Nic had kept came pouring out. In hindsight I feel kind of bad for Ashlee. haha! I was totally a sobbing crazy lady spilling my guts. If she was freaked out she didn't show it. She didn't even blink or hesitate to console me and give me yet another hug. That night as I replayed it in my head I was humiliated. I had fallen apart in front of so many people I knew in my stake and to this poor woman who I treated like a celebrity. I was a mess!
  Shortly after starting this blog I attended a stake function and so many people began to approach me and tell me they'd read my blog and how it had helped them. I started getting a lot of attention for the things I was writing. It was odd to me that my story and my voice was so impactful and that what I had to say people found of worth. It was weird driving home that night thinking about my blog and the impact it was having. People I didn't know very well were telling me their stories and trusting me with their pain. I felt so overwhelmingly grateful and incredibly inspired by the things they had gone through. I also felt this personal confirmation that I was right where I was supposed to be and this blog was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I cried peaceful tears the whole way home.
   I have now been on both ends of the "falling apart". I have been the one to fall apart and I have been the one listening as someone else fell apart. I want every single reader to know that you don't need to feel foolish for a second! By all means fall apart! I have been there and I feel honored and blessed to learn from you and the things you've been through. I am no "celebrity" (for lack of a better term) no matter how many people read my blog or how many people know my name. I am simply a friend who understands pain. I am a listening ear. I am just a normal girl trying my best to be in the right place at the right time so that I might serve and comfort others the way I have been served and comforted. I am not better than anyone else. Every good thing I've done, everything noteworthy I've said has come from Heavenly Father! Give Him the credit, not me! He puts the words in my mouth, He prompts me to say the right thing. Often as I'm writing thoughts just come to my mind mid post and I know it's His gentle guidance directing me as to what to write. If there's any credit to be given to me it is that occasionally I am humble enough to act on the promptings of the spirit.
   The best place to fall apart is on your knees. I have felt like I was literally falling apart before. My heart has ached in my chest and I have doubted my ability to handle my life. I have been broken. Shattered. Lying on the floor completely numb for hours. Empty. Insecure. Lonely, a lot of lonely. Inadequate. OVERWHELMED. All of these things have plagued my soul at one time or another and caused me to fall apart. When you fall apart on your knees you are given strength that only Heavenly Father can give! That only the atonement can provide! I told you to not feel ashamed to fall apart to me. With even greater conviction I say don't be afraid to fall apart to Heavenly Father! In fact I beg you to fall apart to Heavenly Father. He wants to be there for you! Think about your own children and/or loved ones. Who do you love the most? Who would you do anything for? Now how would you feel if they didn't tell you something they were struggling with and you knew you could help them? I have withheld things here and there over the years from my family because I was ashamed to tell them. Guess what? They love me no matter what I do! Multiply that love by infinity and you get how much Heavenly Father loves us and wants to help us. It is great to have family and friends to be there for you and even strangers like Ashlee. We are tools for Heavenly Father. I have recently had some neat experiences that reminded me how true that is. However, we should not neglect our Heavenly Father. I have expressed myself to someone before and then neglected to actually express myself to Heavenly Father. He should be the first place we turn. The first place we fall apart. We can't really be healed unless we do turn it over to Him in prayer because the atonement of our Savior is the only power that can really heal us. Falling apart is nothing to be ashamed of! We have all done it at some time or another. It is my testimony that when I turn to my Heavenly Father in prayer that I know He hears me and loves me. I know He has been longing to console his child as every good father does. I challenge you to fall apart to Him every time and allow yourself to feel His love as He soothes His child.

 

Truth Time : My Biggest Secrets and Fears.

   Self esteem. I have been debating about whether or not to blog about this particular topic for a while. Honestly it has been something I have struggled with on and off throughout my life. I knew that blogging about it meant being completely vulnerable and even bringing to light some things I'm ashamed of. I have had this nagging feeling all morning that I needed to sit down and blog about it. It is a very real issue that A LOT of people struggle with.
    Time to get real. I've told ya'll that I'm not perfect and this experience that I'm about to share is exhibit A. I'm highly embarrassed to share it but I do think it could be of some worth and value to someone so here goes nothing.
    Once I started thinking about the possibility of having another relationship someday I began to start feeling incredibly insecure. The thoughts in my head went a little like this,  "I am this 28 year old mom with 4 kids already who has no job and no college education. I am not nearly as fit and in shape as I'd like to be. What man would be attracted to me?" Then I made the worst decision I've made during this process: I joined a popular dating app. One of those swipe left or right if you think this person is attractive things. My intention was NEVER to find someone to date or even flirt with. My sole reason for joining it was solely because I was insecure and I wanted to know if men even thought I was attractive. (Seriously I am so humiliated). No matter what my intention was it was a DUMB thing to do especially while still technically married. I never met any of these guys or had a relationship with them. I had a couple of them who tried to get me to meet them but I realized that I was in jeopardy of seriously violating my temple covenants and I was not okay with that. It didn't take me long to delete the account and I've never looked back. My point though is, why did I feel the need to be validated from men solely based on my looks, so much so, that I made a choice that was very contrary to my personal integrity? When did what men thought of me become more important than my values? It was a real eye opener for me.
   As a teenager I fell in love for the first time with an older boy. We talked about all kinds of spiritual things and I felt he really valued me as a daughter of God. He went on a mission and wrote me faithfully every single week for 2 years. I was certain I was going to marry him. I didn't. My dad died and I was dealing with stuff when he got home and he had his own personal stuff to sort through. One day I got a phone call and he admitted to me that he had chosen a different path for himself. He was no longer active in church and wasted no time finding another girl that was the opposite of me in every way. I was devastated! It rocked my self esteem to the core. How could he love me and say all of those things and then one day, just like that, not anymore? Even more confusing to me how could he have such an amazing testimony and then just lose it in a matter of weeks? I felt so rejected, he knew everything in my heart and ultimately chose something else.
   Fast forward to my relationship with Nic and the abuse. 1. When does anyone ever feel good about themselves when the person you love chooses pornography or some other perversion? 2. You begin to wonder if you weren't enough. Were you not attractive enough? Was there something wrong with what you were doing in the relationship? 3. Why didn't Nic love me and our life we had created enough to fight harder against his temptations?  I felt like I had been rejected not once, but twice by the only two men I had ever loved romantically. My self esteem was completely tanked for a while there.
  I knew if I was ever going to have the kind of relationship I really wanted that I needed to fix my self esteem on my own. Me, not a man. I've found that as I've delved deeper into the gospel that I've found my self esteem. My worth is not defined by how many heads I turn but from simply being Heavenly Father's daughter. It is a concept I always knew and was familiar with. A concept I had even taught in Young Women's and yet I hadn't received it to be true in my heart. I've spent hours praying to become who He would have me be. I've poured my soul out to Him about all of my insecurities. It wasn't until I made it a personal matter of prayer that I gained that knowledge in my heart. I have learned for myself that neither one of my relationships ending had anything to do with me not being good enough. I have always been worthy of love. And it certainly had nothing to do with my appearance. I think as women we far too often place our value ,unintentionally, in our appearance. Do I try to look nice? yes. Do I want to be healthy and fit? yes. However, those things are not who I am. They are not my identity! You want to know who I am, read this blog from start to finish. I am a Daughter of a Heavenly Father and that alone is enough! I have literally knelt down in prayer to Him and begged Him to help me see that being His daughter is where my self esteem should come from. I have pleaded with Him to help me be content with myself. I have asked that if it should be in His plan for me that He will direct me to a man who sees my heart and finds my heart more beautiful than my face. I don't want to be loved because I'm pretty. I don't want to be loved for any one trait.  I want to be loved because of all the unique qualities and talents He has blessed me with. I want to be loved because of what I have to give. I want to be loved because I am doing my very best to be a valiant daughter of a King!
   Since I have discovered my self esteem I have even viewed men differently. So they're good looking, so what? What do they have in their heart? Are they good and kind? I have begun to be so much more respectful of men and I no longer lust after celebrities the way I once did. (again embarrassed). I used to feel such a boost when I noticed someone checking me out. I still see heads turn now and again but I really don't care. I am so much more than my physical appearance, whether its good or bad! I do believe there has to be some sort of initial mutual attraction to start a relationship but that attraction doesn't always come from being classically good looking. What I find attractive is confidence and the light of Christ in their eyes. I was telling my YW on Sunday that you need to become what you want to attract. I want a man who is confident in His identity as a Son of God and has a personal relationship with Him so I need that to be where my confidence comes from. I have always had a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. What I lacked was the ability to see past certain experiences in my life and identify my worth solely in His love for me.
   I sure hope this helps someone otherwise I have completely exposed my darkest secrets and fears to the world for naught. Haha! Now that I've written it for literally anyone to read I have a sense of peace. I am who I am, I've been where I've been, and nothing is going to stop me from continuing to progress even closer to my Savior. There's no fear in the past only faith in the future.  I plead with anyone who is struggling with their self worth to turn to the Savior! I know the feeling of insecurity and self doubt all too well and it hurts me to think of others feeling that way. Please don't sell yourself short! You are so much more than a swipe left or right! You are more than the amount of head nods you do or don't get! You are more than the size of jeans you fit in! You are more than all of the things doubt and depression tells you that you are or aren't! Don't define yourself by your fears! Define yourself as a Child of God! The amazing thing about defining yourself that way is that there are no more comparisons. When you find your worth as a Child of God then you realize you are neither above or below anyone!!! We are all the same! All of us are equally loved and our worth doesn't change because of any one choice we have made or any choice we will make! Nothing that has ever happened to you can make you unlovable to Heavenly Father! Place your personal self esteem in the Savior and you can't go wrong!
  

You know I love me some Pinterest quotes ya'll!

One just for the men. I tend to direct most of my posts towards women.

 

Dancing in the Rain

                                These pictures were taken by my incredible friend Diana!

   My kids start school bright and early tomorrow so naturally I decided at midnight that it would be a good time to blog. (No sarcasm here). I will most definitely regret this decision in the morning but I have had my daughter on my mind all day. I feel compelled to share her strength and goodness.
   When everything first came to light one of my first thoughts was about my daughter's upcoming baptism. Who would baptize her? I was so sad that she didn't have the opportunity to have her daddy do it. Even more heartbreaking, he couldn't baptize her because he had abused her. For months I felt heartbroken that such a joyous thing would now be tainted. Finally I mustered the courage to let it go and accept reality. I knew any of her uncles would be more than willing to baptize her. I asked her who she would like to baptize her and she chose my brother Naitt. I allowed her to continue to pick who she would like to participate in her baptism.
    The time finally came for her baptism and it was the first time since everything happened that I had seen some of my family. It was so comforting to see them again and to physically feel their love for us. I prayed and prayed that I would be at peace that day and that my daughter especially would feel peace. I wanted her to realize the significance of the choice she had made to be baptized and to focus on that and not on the fact that her daddy wasn't the one baptizing her. I carefully helped her dress that morning, making sure she looked and felt as special as she could. This little girl deserved to feel special and to know how many people loved her! She had suffered unmentionable things and I wanted this to be a celebration for her. Most importantly I wanted her to know how much Heavenly Father loved her! I had seen His love for her in many ways and I knew He was so very proud of her for speaking up about the abuse. I guarantee that was the hardest thing she ever did! She was braver than most people ever are. Not only did she speak up and as a result her little world was rocked but she helped comfort her brothers and even me! This day was just one more incredible decision she had made. She had done so many hard things without the Holy Ghost as her constant companion what would she be capable of once she received Him as her constant companion?
   We arrived at the church and the love was overwhelming in that little room. Many family members were openly crying. They were touched by the spirit and by the amazing little girl that my daughter is. When I took her back to help her change into her jumpsuit she was literally jumping with joy. That still makes me tear up. Her excitement was absolutely contagious! The grace with which she had conducted herself still amazes me. She is truly an example and a light to me.
    My brother Kenton gave a talk on baptism and tears streamed down his face as he talked about love and returning to our Heavenly Father. My mom gave a talk on the Holy Ghost and she too was full of the spirit. Her two aunts gave the opening and closing prayers. Her cousins sang a beautiful version of "When I am Baptized".
    When I greeted her as she came out of the water she was beaming. This little girl knew nothing of pain that day. She knew nothing of abuse or sadness. This little girl knew the Savior! She knew the atonement's healing powers and I could see in her face that day that she had received His image in her countenance.
    It wasn't until later that I learned from my brother's wife that after he had baptized my daughter he wept in the bathroom. His heart was broken that it wasn't her daddy who had baptized her. He too had loved her daddy. He was touched and honored to have baptized her and there was so much emotion right on the surface. Naitt never told me about this himself. I don't think he wanted to burden me or make it about him. What he doesn't know is that is exactly why I love him so much! That is the kind of selfless person he is. I'm so thankful for all of my big brothers and their tender hearts!
    Her Uncle Bry confirmed her. Seeing her sitting in that chair surrounded by all of these uncles from both sides of the family and her grandpa was absolutely touching. The priesthood was very much still a part of her life! She was surrounded by priesthood power!
   That day could not have gone any more perfectly! The spirit was strong. What I thought was going to be tainted because of misfortune and trial was actually sweeter because of the manner with which she handled misfortune and trial. Afterwards as she was hugging loved ones and accepting gifts she walked up to her grandpa and asked him to give a piece of candy to her daddy. Again, she knew the atonement! Her forgiving heart of gold, I know, touched her dad when he heard that.  I will forever be thankful that she is my daughter!
   The amazing, incredible thing about the atonement is that it has even worked it's powers on my children who have no comprehension of what it really means. Children truly are so much closer to the spirit than adults. I have had to really work hard to receive the same healing powers in my life that my daughter received months ago, effortlessly. I cannot praise our Savior enough! When I doubted my ability as a mother to heal my children, when I left gaps, the atonement filled in. My daughter might know more sorrow later as she comes to comprehend more adult things and the severity of what happened to her. I am confident that the atonement can heal her from any pain she may face! I know she is a force to be reckoned with. She knows how to choose light and happiness. She will do great things and I am confident that through her own process she will choose the atonement again and again.
   The lesson I learn from my daughter's example is to always find the rainbow after the rain. Just like the song that was sung at her baptism by her cousins. "I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain." Her little heart was broken and she chose to find the rainbow. Life is crazy hard and we cannot predict what trials and challenges will come our way. We will often feel like we have our own personal rain cloud. Learning to dance in the rain and look for the rainbow will make life so much sweeter. After the rainstorm always comes something good. Have faith in that rainbow and in the meantime learn to dance in the rain. We can't control when the rain will stop but we do know at some point it will stop. We don't know how long it will rain so if we simply just sit there and get wet we will simply be wet and miserable. Learning to enjoy the rain and hope for the rainbow is the key to happiness. Only the atonement can teach you how to dance in the rain.

 

 

 

 

 

  

In My Heart

  I believe part of forgiving is forgetting. It's been difficult for me to think about blogging more about what I've been through with Nic. I have forgiven him and I don't want to dwell on it. However, I've decided what I've been through might be helpful to some of you and I am also a BIG believer in learning from our past. Just keep in mind that as I write some more about things that have happened in my past I do so with no lingering feelings of pain or resentment. I also ask that you keep in mind that Nic, too, is evolving and changing. Who he was then is not the same person he is today or will be tomorrow. For better or for worse he is evolving. If you think about it we are all at least a little different then who we were a year ago or even last week.

   So much compassion and love has been extended to me this last year. Person after person has reached out to help me. People I haven't even talked to for years and even some people I have just met recently. I used to be cynical and assume everyone thought the worst of me until I could prove to them otherwise. I used to focus on the wickedness of the world and dwell on the decline of humanity. Yes, there are wars going on. Yes, there is wickedness. I am aware that so many innocent people suffer and endure horrific things. There is also a lot of good still in this world. I have seen so much compassion first hand in my life. I have read so many uplifting blogs and articles about all kinds of people doing amazing, incredible things to help others. The contrast between the good and evil has led me to ponder compassion and the role in plays in our world. How much of a difference does love and compassion really make? How does one really develop compassion for others if they've never received it themselves?
   I can remember many occasions when Nic would come home from work and whether he was tired or fighting inner demons, he would check out. He would turn on the TV and watch one of his many shows he religiously recorded. The kids would do something funny or sweet and I would feel like he was missing it. Occasionally there were even times when the kids were desperate for his attention and would beg him to play with them only for him to tell them he would later. It used to kill me! They will only be little once. I would look at these kids of mine and see each of them, in all of their unique divinity, and think "why can't he see how great they are?" He used to express to me frequently that he couldn't wait for the kids to become old enough so he could do things with them. He couldn't wait to take them camping, hunting, golfing, etc. All I could think was, "why wait?"
   I've thought a lot about this and how it parallels to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and how He views us. Sometimes we might struggle to see another individuals light or distinct worth. Some personalities just don't mesh as well together as others. We can become offended or even make rash judgments. How many times do you think Heavenly Father thinks, "Why can't Celeste just see how great so and so is?" He sees all of us for everything we are. He knows all of our flaws and eccentricities. He created us. Despite those things we may view as negative qualities about ourselves He also sees how great we are! He loves us unconditionally! I'm convinced if we saw the intentions and desires in everyone's hearts we would realize that we aren't all that different after all. Why can't we see how fantastic the person sitting next to us is? Are we not all God's children? Perhaps that's where compassion comes from; seeing others as children of God.
  Sometimes I really struggle to get past my own opinions of how others perceive me. I have been offended or hurt by something they said or did, sometimes deeply. I think one day I'll forgive them or maybe next week I should reach out to them. Why wait? As I look back on complicated relationships I've had with others I regret the time wasted in misunderstanding. It's easy to be offended but I've come to know that I can offend others just as easily as they can offend me. I really hate that feeling when I realize I've said something unintentionally that really hurt someone I respect and value. Again I ask why wait? Don't let things fester and get worse. Don't miss any valuable time.
   In my heart is good intentions. In my heart I want to be loved and love in return. In my heart is the desire to repent. In my heart I want to make a difference. In my heart the most important responsibility I have is that of being a parent. In my heart I want to forgive others and be forgiven. In my heart I want NOTHING more than to please my Heavenly Father and return to Him and help others to do the same. What's in your heart? When we put aside all social barriers and misconceptions are our hearts similar? If we could only allow our hearts to do the talking would we treat and view others differently? The closest relationships I have are with those people who see what's really in my heart and our hearts speak to each other.
   Looking at my children I see what I assume is just a glimpse of how our Heavenly Father must feel about all of us. As a mother I would pray that others would be kind and merciful towards my children. That they would give them the benefit of the doubt. I would hope that when my kids make really stupid mistakes that others would try to see the good that is in their hearts. I'm sure this is how Heavenly Father must feel about us. Love and forgiveness can change the world.  I'm so far from perfect, as I am only human, but I'm trying to view others with a Christ like love. I'm slowly learning and trying to see the world as He does. If I have offended you at some point, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry! Please forgive me for my imperfections, as there are many, and have patience with me as I try each day to become a little more like our Savior.