I. AM. STILL. HERE.

The last few months have been brutal. After discovering my mom's cancer I have slowly but surely sunk into depression. The pain and the fear I feel makes me ache to have someone to comfort me. Part of me went into shock and I haven't always thought rationally. A piece of me so desperately kept seeking out a relationship because she worries so much about me and I don't want her to have to leave this world without knowing I'm happily married. It's crazy, its irrational, but it's grief. I put the kids to bed and I'm left with my heavy thoughts and a loneliness unlike anything I've ever experienced sets in. Logically I know that I have to heal myself. Logically I know that the atonement is the only way to do that but I look at happy couples helping each other through life and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling empty and like I don't matter deeply, on a daily basis to someone other than my kids. So mostly I have been coping by ignoring my problems or trying to distract myself. I have been running from and trying to block my pain because I fear that if I truly feel it, it will be too much to handle. I've shut out friends and turned inward. It has been and is a very dark and unhealthy place to be. I have continued to say my prayers, read my scriptures, and act like everything is fine but I have been only going through the motions not really feeling anything. Going through life hollow and desperate for someone or something to fill me up again. Paralyzed by fear and pain.

Last night I was woken up at 1:43 am by the buzzing sound of my phone on the hard wood of my bedside table. In my efforts to distract myself or relieve some of my loneliness I have been casually texting/messaging a few lds guys  I don't want to make this about my love life or lack of but I do believe some background would be a little helpful. This guy that texted me last night, lets call him John. Anyway John and I had texted quite a bit back and forth one day about all kinds of things from music to our previous heart breaks. He seemed really nice and interested but it was too early to really tell. As time went on he became kind of withdrawn and to be honest I didn't really reach out either. Then last night I get this text:

"Hey I wanted to do the right thing

and kind of just let you know that 

I'm now seeing someone and have 

decided to date her exclusively. I 

hope you understand that it doesn't

have anything to do with a lack of 

interest in you. I honestly think you 

are an amazing woman and person. 

And I've wrestled with the idea of 

burning a bridge with you or potentially

hurting or disappointing you for a

while now. Ultimately though I feel

like it would be unfair to you to 

continue to pursue anything with 

you if I didn't have my whole heart

in it. 

I don't know how any of this sounds. 

I probably sound like an extremely 

pretentious douche. I am hoping that the

takeaway that you get from this is that

I respect you enough to be totally 

honest with you. I wouldn't do 

that if you're opinion of me didn't 

matter to me. But it does, because I 

know that you are a really strong, 

amazing person. And whoever you end

up with is going to be an extremely

lucky guy.

I hope you aren't upset by this, or 

that I have done anything that has

been hurtful to you or wrong in

any way. Please know that I am really

sorry and I assure you that that was 

never my intention. I really just want 

the best for you and your kids. You have

been through a hell of a lot, and I will 

honestly keep your family in my prayers. 

I don't think that I have come across 

anyone in the recent past that I feel is

more deserving of a happy life than you. 

And I honestly mean that. I meant everything 

I said. You are beautiful, you are sexy, and you

exude an extremely strong spirit. And I 

honestly respect that, and I am grateful to

have gotten to know you a little bit. "

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't really invested myself in this guy because we didn't know each other long. Yet for some reason tears were filling my eyes. I felt complimented and rejected all at the same time. It was really quite bizarre that I had been rejected by others that I was more interested or invested in and yet the way he phrased things I suddenly felt so very lonely. And for the first time in months I allowed myself to really feel all of the pain. I reread that text a few times and tried to process it before responding as graciously as I could. Thanking him for his honesty and wishing him all the luck and happiness in the world. After all he too had suffered and been lonely and deserved a little slice of joy. Then the sobs came and I found myself on my knees truly and sincerely praying to Heavenly Father once more the way I had so often in the past. I was finally feeling something again other than numbness. "Heavenly Father I don't understand why I'm having to do so many difficult things on my own, without a mate. I have always done my best to be faithful and I work so frickin hard to be happy and choose happiness every day of my life. For once I just want to naturally feel happy. I know I've been so immensely blessed and I feel like a brat for complaining but it's how I feel right now. I apologize for my very mortal mind that lacks patience and understanding for Thy will. I am aware that You know what I've been through. I know You haven't been blind to my pain as I've been told as much in a blessing. But so what? That doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling right now! I'm sorry for being ungrateful for not comprehending everything the way I probably should be but I don't understand. What is the point of all of this? Why am I continually faithful when I still hurt so much?" SILENCE and then, "I don't know what it is you want of me but I'm still here. I am still fighting, still trying, still believing. I have endured much, maybe not well, but I'm still here." At that point I began to sob repeatedly as if begging Him to see me, "I am still here, I am still here. I am still here." And then it gradually turned into a positive affirmation. "I am still here!" Finally it ended as a powerful statement, a warrior's battle cry. Each word distinct and deliberate. "I. AM. STILL. HERE!" As I rose from my knees I was weak and weary. I had exerted much emotional energy into that prayer. I silently cried tears of relief to be feeling something again and as I laid my head on my pillow I resolved to keep fighting the good fight. 

I'm not sure why that text was the trigger that finally humbled me to let down my walls again and be real with my Heavenly Father. Regardless I'm thankful for the way He works in my life, always knowing how to bring me back to Him. I'm thankful for "John's" honesty and that he acted and sent me that text when he did. Last night I realized something. I have experienced a lot of pain in my relatively short life, it could always be worse I know but as I look back on what I've been through it has been no easy feat. And yet by some miracle I am still here. I have survived the unthinkable and by the grace of God I am still here, a little worse for the wear in a few places but polished in others. As I said those words over and over again it felt like my heart was bleeding I realized that I will always still be here. There is a God given strength in me, that although I get discouraged and knocked down, refuses to give up. There still might be much pain and testing ahead of me but I will not let Satan win! I am not perfect, I'll make many mistakes but I will always come back. Why? It's simple really. I know and have felt the Savior's love and Heavenly Father's love and it is so sweet that I cannot deny it. I cannot stop fighting until I can feel of that love all the time. I imagine being reunited with Them and the feeling of sweet satisfaction as I honestly say, "I gave my all so that I might be at peace in Your presence." Sometimes my mortal and weak mind forgets what my spirit knows. Their love is so great that every hardship and trial I may experience will be obviously worth it once I am reunited with Them again! What a glorious day that will be and as for now as I stumble so imperfectly through life I find comfort in knowing that I'm still here. 

          I don't always feel like I have the ability to be strong anymore but I keep choosing to try to be. 

Meant to Meet

Do you ever feel like you were meant to meet someone? Like you were supposed to be somewhere at that exact time and moment?

When I moved to Utah I knew I had to get a plan going. Job, school, maybe both, something. I knew I wanted to be a nurse and so I did some research trying to figure out what the best way was for me to go about doing that as a single mom. I wanted to get a job at a hospital so they would help pay for some of my schooling. That led me to either phlebotomy or becoming a CNA. I then called around to all of the different programs I could find in the valley and compared them. After some careful consideration I opted for the CNA route. I knew I didn't want to waste time and I wanted to jump right in so I picked the course with the closest starting date and the best schedule for my family. After calling about 15 different course providers there was only one that seemed to fit the way I wanted. Eager to secure my spot I drove there the very next day and signed up for the course. 

There are a few reasons I think I was meant for that exact course. One being that in order to get to that location I would get to drive by my dad's cemetery everyday. It seems silly but little did I know that during that month I would have days where I needed to feel close to him. I would drive by every morning and shout out, "Morning dad. Help me out today if you can!" And then there were days when I was overcome with grief as I realized my mom was getting sicker and sicker. I would drive by on those days and say, "Please take care of mom today." Being able to "talk" to him gave me some added courage and comfort. 

The main reason I was supposed to take that particular course was the people I met. My instructor, Linda, was divinely placed in my life at that time. During lunch and on breaks we would often get to talking as a class and Linda had such a way about her that you just felt loved and cared about. More often than not our discussions would sway towards spiritual matters, none of us having the same religious backgrounds. As she talked about the elderly people we would care for and the things they would experience often tears would fill her eyes. This is what healthcare is all about, or should be. Caring, love, healing. She taught us all a valuable lesson. It didn't take long for us classmates to form a friendship and a bond with Linda. 

About half way through my course my mom came to me one day when I got home and showed me her pillow case which was sprinkled with blood. At this time my family knew she had been sick for too long but we didn't know what it was she was sick with. She had been previously diagnosed with pneumonia and given antibiotics and even steroids but she wasn't getting better. In my heart I knew there was something else wrong. I couldn't hide my concern and it didn't take Linda long to realize something was wrong. My class would sit and listen to me talk about it as we ate lunch or before class and it became a safe place for me to vent. 

We were doing clinics at a skilled nursing facility one Friday and my mom was supposed to be getting the results back from her doctor that day as to whether or not she had cancer. I had wanted to stay home and be with my mom when she received the news but she insisted I go and she would call me right away. So I went and I asked Linda for special permission to answer my phone should it ring. About halfway through the morning my phone started buzzing in my scrubs pocket. It just so happens I was answering call lights with Linda at that exact moment. "Can I take it?"  "Go". I stepped out into the hall waiting to hear my mom confirm what I already knew. Deep breathe, "Hey so?"  Two. Words.  "It's cancer." "Do you need me to come home? Are you okay?" I asked. My mom insisted that I stay. So I hung up just as Linda came out into the hall. She looked at me with eyes that knew and simply said, "you need to go". At that point the tears started flowing and wouldn't stop. SHOCK! SO MUCH SHOCK! "How is this real? Cancer. Cancer. Cancer." I kept repeating it in my mind. "My mom has cancer." Linda walked me down the stairs and out to my car. She grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes, and wiped my snot from my face. (That's right. She wiped my gross, runny nosed, snot. That's compassion!) "Are you going to be okay driving home?" "Yes." She hugged me and told me to go be with my mom. "You should both get a priesthood blessing," And as she turned to walk away, "Oh and Celeste, seek comfort in the scriptures." 

I am so pleased to say that Linda and I are still friends. We just went to lunch last week in fact. Her sweet spirit and her passion for serving others have changed me. I know I was supposed to be with her when I found out about my mom's cancer. I know I was supposed to take that class to prepare me for all of the things I would have to do to care for my mom. I know I needed to drive by my dad often to feel some support from him. My classmates will be my life long friends. I know I was supposed to meet them. They were supposed to make me laugh and smile by saying stupid things like, "you look like John Travolta". They too had hard things they were experiencing and going through. We were an odd bunch. I don't think any of us would ever have become friends without that class with such diverse backgrounds. Linda was our glue. That class was more than a CNA certification program. It was where we were all supposed to be to find each other. 

The Last Christmas

 It all started with a lamb...

   I will never forget last Christmas as long as I live. It was the last Christmas we would spend together as a family. Nic and I were struggling a little financially and our marriage had seen better days. By this point Nic was already in deep trouble and it reflected through his actions. Things that should have been so joyful with our little kids were very painful. One December day I had the notion that for family home evening we should go pick out a tree at the local tree lot. Nic didn't think that sounded like a fun idea and was very obstinate. With a guilty conscience I think he felt like a fraud when we did things together as a family. He finally consented, I believe his exact words were, "fine I'll go but only if you get all the kids ready and loaded in the van by yourself". Desperate to get a tree and make a fun memory for the kids I did my best to try to ignore his mood. I got the kids ready and loaded. In the three short blocks to the tree lot he continued to make grumpy comments and my sensitive nature couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry and I pleaded with him to try to cheer up so we wouldn't ruin this for the kids. He never did cheer up. We ended up with a tree that night but I decorated it alone after the kids went to bed with tears streaming down my face and a broken heart. I couldn't understand what was wrong with Nic. I silently prayed for some understanding, some comfort so that I might be able to salvage the Christmas season.
   The very next day someone knocked on the door as I was cleaning up dinner. I opened the door to discover no one there and a small present on the welcome mat. It was a piece to a nativity set, I believe a lamb with a quote attached to it. Every day from there on we received another piece to the nativity set. The notes attached were always so sweet and often tears would fill my eyes as I contemplated the role each character played. The kids and I would wait in anticipation every evening and guess which piece we would receive next. They would shriek with delight every time we heard the knock at the door. The sweetness and magic of Christmas was brought back into our home. My heart was so grateful and I loved placing each piece so carefully on top of the piano. You see, I had never had a nativity set and I'd always wanted one and boy was this one beautiful!
   To this day I have no clue who gave us that nativity set. What I do know is that they were an answer to my prayers. They probably didn't have any idea the concerns that were in my heart. From the outside we appeared to be a happy family. They didn't know that their precious gift would touch my heart and create a lasting impression on my kids. They couldn't have known that Nic was in trouble and that in one short month our whole world would blow up. What could've been an absolutely terrible Christmas turned out to be one filled with magic and the love of Christ. It was a true testament to me that our Heavenly Father does answer prayers. He couldn't change what Nic had already chosen but He could comfort my aching heart. That nativity set has become one of my most prized possessions, not because it's beautiful, but because it is a gentle reminder to me of the true meaning of Christmas. No matter what's going on every time I look at that manger scene a quiet peace spreads throughout my body and the spirit whispers to me, "this is what it's all about, be still". How grateful I am for the birth of the Christ child! Surely this is why He was born, to heal and mend our broken hearts.

No Proof is Not Good Enough!

  I can't take it anymore! Since coming out with my story I have heard of far too many people who have been abused or are being abused and there is no proof. No proof = nothing done to stop it. I was in that exact situation when everything happened with my daughter. She had told someone at school that her daddy had touched her private parts. That very day she came home to find that the police and a bunch of strangers were already at her house. Her mom was crying and she never saw her daddy again. Then a whole week later she was placed with a detective she didn't know in a place she had never been and was expected to talk to them. And that was supposed to be our only proof?! I don't think so! When she was interviewed and didn't sing like a canary the detective came back in with tears in her eyes and said, "for what it's worth I believe she was abused but there's no proof". THE DETECTIVE WAS CRYING! They sent me home with no way to protect my daughter and only the promise that they would try to buy me some time. "Maybe she'll talk and eventually open up to a counselor" they said. Eventually?!? Are you kidding me? So it can happen to her again? One time is one time too many! I took matters into my own hands and by the sheer grace of God things fell together that I was able to obtain proof.
    So now that he's convicted and my kids are protected is my job done? Absolutely not! In the last two weeks alone I have heard of two different accounts where the kids are being abused and there is no proof, nothing there to protect them. This cannot go on! I ask any judge, detective, cop, lawyer, anyone involved with these kinds of cases; if this was your kid would it be okay with you to take the chance that your child would get abused based on a lack of evidence? Would it be okay with you to look your child in the eyes and know they're telling the truth but you can't protect them so you ignore it? What kind of parent would be okay with that? The system is broken ladies and gentleman and I'm one voice, one small voice proposing we combine our voices, we speak up to make a change to protect these precious babies. I know, "innocent until proven guilty" but where are the rights for these kids, who are just that, innocent?
    To those parents who are fighting so desperately to protect your kids: I know you feel alone. You are not alone! I am fighting with you. I am praying for you, pleading for a way to help you protect your baby. Do not ever give up! Ever! I don't know why I was fortunate enough to have things work out the way they did and obtain proof. God works in mysterious ways. I had a chat with Heavenly Father and basically told Him that I would rather run away into hiding than let my daughter be abused one more time. I was prepared to do anything to keep her safe and her brothers safe. So I begged and pleaded for His help and somehow He heard my pleas and took mercy upon me. I don't believe He wants to see innocent children suffer despite all of the suffering in the world. It is OUR job to stand up and fight for them! If we have a desire to do good and a humble heart I know He will help us in His way and His timing. Where there is a will there's a way! I know the anguish and the absolute torture it is to know that it is your child that is hurting. Your child, and there's nothing the state or anyone else can do to help you protect them.
    I don't know how to fix this serious problem that is occurring but I feel passionately about it and I know there are others out there that do too. If you are sick of this happening, if you know someone who is afflicted by this, please share this post! Pass it on, share it! Lets get people talking about it! How can we make a difference? Lets get ideas out there flowing and put an end to this nonsense of "no proof". No proof doesn't mean it didn't happen! In fact more often than not in sexual abuse cases there is no proof unless they did certain, horrific things. Why should we have to wait for it to get that far? There was no way I was going to wait for physical evidence!
    I'm not proposing we lock up everyone who is ever accused of child abuse. I know first hand of people that have been accused of it and were innocent. But surely there has to be a better way to go about it to protect the child.
   No proof was not good enough for my daughter. It's not good enough for your child either. The only thing I could think of when the detective sent me home with the words, "no proof" was that was not a good enough reason to allow it to happen again. One child, one time; is one child, one time too many!

A Thankful Heart

   This Thanksgiving my thoughts kept circling back to where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving. When my daughter told the school counselor about the abuse she said it started on Thanksgiving. She said grandma was staying in her room but for some reason she wasn't there that night. As I have thought back to last Thanksgiving it all makes perfect sense. Nic loved spending time with my family so if they were in town usually he would go back over to where they were at after we got the kids in bed for the night. Last year he told me I should go spend time with my family. I remember looking at him a little shocked thinking it was strange. After a few minutes I decided I would go and I figured maybe he was trying to be more generous and less selfish. I greatly appreciated the night off with my family. Little did I know that he wanted me to go so he could be alone with our daughter. It used to haunt me that Thanksgiving was where it all began. I remember feeling so guilty. How did I not know? Where was my mother's intuition? The truth is it all began a long time before that day. He must have been having thoughts for some time before he actually acted on them.
    So a year later here I am and honestly I couldn't be more grateful. I'm grateful first of all that my kids are safe. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father guided me to do all the right things so I could protect my babies. My daughter no longer has to endure sexual abuse and is on the path of healing. I'm grateful she has been so resilient and that the atonement has worked as a balm on her heart. I'm grateful she was prompted to tell some little girl that she didn't really know that her daddy was touching her. She was prompted to tell the right little girl, the little girl that would encourage her to tell the counselor at school. I'm grateful for that little girls parents for teaching her what to do. If I knew who they were I would give them a huge hug and thank them from the bottom of my heart. I'm thankful for all of the social workers, family, friends, lawyers, officers, teachers, and the judge that made it possible for me to get to this point. Because of their help and support my kids are safe. My daughter doesn't have to be afraid to go to sleep in her bed at night.
    I'm grateful for the generosity of others. This past year would have been absolutely crushing without the loving compassion of others. I cannot even begin to say how much every smile, kind thought, prayer, act of service and financial donation has meant to me. I make sure to tell my kids all the time how lucky we are and how important it is to help others. I feel like I'm being redundant but I am quite honestly blown away by the generous acts of others. I am inspired by these acts to be better and do better. To know that I have not only my personal family and friends but complete strangers rooting and pulling for my little family to succeed inspires me to keep going, to keep fighting, and I strive to be like those who have helped me. Their love and generosity has forever changed my heart.
    I'm grateful for my siblings. This last year my family has experienced many hardships. The shocking news about Nic's abuse devastated my family. Many of them have also experienced a lot of pain in their own personal lives. A brother and sister-in-law lost their teenage nephew in a tragic accident. As you can imagine it was heartbreaking. Then this fall my family received even more devastating news when we found out about my mom's cancer. As we have had such difficult times we've been together a lot more than usual. What I'm so grateful for is the time we've spent together even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. We have laughed and cried together many times this last year and I so appreciate that we have each other. None of us have to experience these things all alone. I'm so grateful for the intense loyalty and love I receive from my family. I know that my siblings have my back no matter what. Their lives are busy and they can't always be there but because of the quality time we have shared together I never doubt their love.
    I'm thankful for my mom's testimony. I'm thankful that she was always an example to me and that she taught me well. Many people have commended me for my spiritual strength. I truthfully cannot take any credit. I did not become this way all on my own. It was my mother who instilled in me from a very young age the importance of a relationship with Heavenly Father. Over the years she has taught me many spiritual life lessons. I'm grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I would not be where I am today without her. It is because of her that I know that no matter what life throws my way I will be okay as long as I cling tightly to the gospel. She has consistently been my rock. I am so grateful that we have had more time with her. Her stroke scared us all. We weren't sure we were going to get her back. Those were some dark days for our family. My heart is so full that we were able to spend thanksgiving with her and that she was able to enjoy it. I don't know what the cancer will do to her or when it will take her from this life but I'm so grateful for each and every moment I get with her and for the blessed opportunity I have now to extend some service to her. It is my turn to care for and nurture her. I am so happy to do it.
    I'm thankful for the four little humans that I get to call my own. My kids are the reason I go on when I feel like giving up. They're the reason I smile when I've had a bad day. They're the reason I get up and choose to fight each and every day of my life no matter how damn hard it is to fight. They drive me crazy sometimes but my love for them goes so deep that I can't stay crazy. I look at them and marvel at their perfectly healthy little bodies, their dimples, their little blonde heads. I am in awe of their unique and marvelous personalities. How are these wild, sweet, crazy, funny, smart, loving kids mine? My kids give me purpose. They breathe new life into me each and every time they give me a hug or flash a smile my way. Sometimes I suspect that they do far more for me than I do for them. I consider myself very blessed to be their mama.
     I could go on and on as I have MUCH to be grateful for. Perhaps the thing I am the most grateful for is a wise and loving Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. In Heavenly Father's wisdom and love He has guided and protected me this past year through some really rough waters. The storm was coming no matter what. Nic did what he did and my mom's cancer couldn't have been prevented. Without Heavenly Father's help I would surely have drowned with the immensity of it all. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done but I'm positive I would've self destructed from the weight of it all without a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Never have I faced more pressure and strain on me than I have this past year. Heavenly Father completely took over and guided me when it came to Nic's criminal charges. I was literally told step by step what to do. Then in His infinite wisdom He sent me to Utah. I never wanted to move back to Utah and when I finally did I still didn't know the full purpose behind it. I was brought here to be with and care for my mom at this difficult time for her. I am so grateful I listened to Him when I didn't want to. I couldn't possibly know my mom had cancer at the time. When I have felt I was in way over my head, when I've felt like I absolutely couldn't rise up to what was being required of me, through deep prayer the atonement has time and time again come to my rescue. It has been my most powerful defense against the adversary. I get up on my own two feet and I continue to surprise myself with what I'm capable of as I let the atonement strengthen and sustain me. I would be no where without the atonement. I promise you I am not as strong as I seem in fact most of the time I feel quite the opposite, I am so incredibly weak and human, for this reason I am beyond thankful for my Heavenly Father and His Son.
    I have been taught many things. I have witnessed miracles. I have been the recipient of more generosity than I even knew existed. My heart is truly full.  As I have reflected on who I was and where I was a year ago I am so grateful to be who I am and where I am now. I have NO reason not to have a thankful heart always.

Walls

 

    Humor me and allow me to turn into a therapist for this post. This topic has been on my mind lately.
    Back in July I wrote about how excited I was to fall in love again. It is now nearly December and in just a brief window of single life I had started to become jaded. I started an online dating profile a while back, because honestly as a single mom of little kids how else am I going to gain any dating experience let alone find someone? (Side note: if you're going to lecture me about the dangers of online dating save your breath. I have a protective older brother that has already given me a LENGTHY and DETAILED education of what to look out for and he is prepared to do multiple background checks. Literally.) Anyway, it didn't take very long for reality to hit me square in the face. People are hurt and broken and walls are up. Different people put their walls up differently. Some people put up their walls by wanting only "hookups" with the mentality of, "if I don't really know you to care about you then I won't get hurt, right?" Others put up their walls by only talking about vague and non-personal things. They won't make any small chat about their lives. Some do really well and appear to be pretty open and then they freeze and retract again in fear. And then there are those that will only make small chat never going any deeper. When the walls are up even basic conversation is difficult. Everyone aches to be loved and find that special someone but few are truly open to the possibility of love. How does anyone expect to find love without even having a real conversation? I'm not even talking the complicated, deep stuff but simply a real conversation about their life, likes, and interests. Very few people are willing to carry on a dialogue. It's fairly simple; you ask a question, they answer, then they ask you a question, and so on and so forth. Every one is so afraid of getting hurt again that they even lose the ability to communicate effectively.
      Luckily for me, I'm not in a big hurry and I definitely don't feel any pressure to find someone right away.  I'm actually enjoying my time getting more comfortable and confident with who I am and I'm tapping even deeper into my unique identity as a daughter of God. I'm trying to get more comfortable with talking to men again and if a connection happens, it happens. Hurry or not, I find it so disheartening and depressing that so many people are afraid to be vulnerable. Their fear of vulnerability leaves things feeling a little one sided and then in turn I feel like I have to pull back a little. I don't want to be open if they're not going to be, otherwise I'm the one that gets hurt because I have more to lose. So then nobody is open, it's a vicious cycle. Everyone turns inward. Let me be clear, I'm not saying that we have to tell everyone everything, in fact we shouldn't! We should be selective with who we tell and what we tell (says the woman whose life is an open book because she blogs about it *cough cough* hypocrite*). What I'm saying is that if there is some mutual interest there and you feel good about the person don't hold back because of fear. I found myself doing that very thing. Even my mentality changed, instead of being more optimistic and kind I found myself feeling bitter and resentful. I hated feeling that way! I had an experience that woke me up to what I was doing and I realized that's not who I want to be. I don't care how many times my ego gets bruised, or I am left feeling disappointed, I refuse to be this closed off bitter person. I refuse to withdraw from relationships before I even give them a fair shot. I refuse to live my life in fear in any aspect, including my love life. Am I afraid? ABSOLUTELY!!! I have been burned and I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I am choosing to face my fears. Nothing worthwhile comes without a little risk and a little pain.
      It's okay to be afraid. It's a normal response after getting hurt. If you trip and fall on the stairs you're going to be a little more cautious and afraid next time you use the stairs (ask me I know). Fear is our body's way of protecting itself. What's not okay is to dwell in that fear. It would be ridiculous for me to never take a flight of stairs again because I stumbled once or twice. Fear can be a good thing but it can also hinder us if we're not careful. It's especially detrimental to us when we choose fear over faith. We must listen to promptings Heavenly Father gives us no matter how afraid we are or we might lose out on a wonderful blessing. It will be hard to choose faith, I guarantee it! Be patient with yourself and keep praying for help to overcome your fear. It might take a while to get there but allow the atonement to do its job and eventually you will get there.
      When we have been severely hurt in relationships, it can make it really scary for us to be vulnerable again. We may even feel emotionally paralyzed, completely incapable of being vulnerable. What I've realized is that the atonement is critical for me, even in my love life. I can get over my fears, I can heal, I can trust again because of the atonement. Although beneficial, no amount of therapy or self help books will do for me what the atonement of our Savior can. There is no pain in this life that the atonement doesn't cover!
      My life is crazy right now with everything going on with my mom and all of the things I have to do for my kiddos as a single parent. I'm okay with being single, in fact I actually kind or prefer it right now because my practical and limited mortal mind can't comprehend how a relationship would work at the moment. I'm also okay if Heavenly Father places someone in my life and tells me to pursue it. Again I am in no rush to get into a relationship but I will not push away something Heavenly Father wants for me because I don't think the timing is right or because I don't want to get hurt. I'm doing my best to live my life in general with the guidance of the spirit and trust in His plan for me. I try to listen to the promptings I get even if I think Heavenly Father has a screw loose once in a while. Sometimes He prompts me to do things and I think He must be crazy, there's no way I can do what He's asking of me. Doesn't He get that I'm done getting hurt? He does know. He knows my heart. He knows how broken I feel. He knows how much I doubt. He knows I ache. He knows I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. He knows what I need and what my kids need better than I do. I believe in His love and plan for me so strongly that I force myself to swallow my fear and be vulnerable when it feels right. I'm not perfect at everything I've written about but I keep striving to be open to the His plan for me. When something happens and my tender feelings get hurt I turn it over to Him in prayer and "move forward with faith".
 

   

What Hurts.

   I mentioned in my last post that my mom has lung cancer. Since then she has had a stroke that was a side effect of the lung cancer. It's difficult for me to write about this because it's happening now and I don't want to say anything that might make it more difficult for my mom or cause her more worry or pain. That being said I have stuffed a lot of my feelings and haven't been coping very well. I haven't had much alone time or reflective time like I'm used to having so that I can process my feelings. I have tried to keep going full steam and take it all on. I wanted to be everything for my kids, my mom, my siblings, and still make time for myself. Turns out you can't be all things to all people. (like duh! ) So tonight I was putting clean sheets on my bed when I found myself suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. All of the feelings I had been stuffing and trying to run from, everything I was trying to be stronger than came out all at once. So here I am. I don't write these things publicly to seek sympathy or for anyone's pity. I am here writing because it hurts and somehow writing about my pain and sharing it makes me feel a little bit better on the off chance that somebody else will read it and identify with it. That they might feel a little less alone. I know my siblings understand, I have the BEST siblings, but when I write that's how I deal. That's my therapy. I write hard and fast and get it all out.  

  I have found myself in a position yet again where my life is in chaos through no fault of my own. What's the point? What's the purpose of it all? How could one person have to deal with so much in one short year? I know so many others that have suffered with such difficult things. Some far worse than anything I've been through. So again I ask, why? These are good people I'm talking about! 

  My mom has lived a hard life. She's had many challenges and heartaches. I've seen her step up and do what needs to be done no matter how tired she was. Then in the evenings or early mornings when everything is quiet she would cry. She would cry to the Lord on her knees asking for more strength, desiring only to do His will. When I heard of her cancer I was angry. She doesn't need to be tested anymore! She shouldn't have to suffer anymore! Why can't she just have a little taste of what it's like to be carefree? What I've come to realize is that her cancer is not a punishment. It is not some final test that she has to pass. I don't know why she has stage four lung cancer. What I do know is that Heavenly Father loves her! He has been with her every step of the way. He is saddened to see her in pain. It is through her cancer that He is showing her His power. It is through her cancer that He is bringing her even closer to Him. She has been told as much in a priesthood blessing and I have felt His love for her. My sister, Laura, once told me in the middle of my crisis that Heavenly Father had me in the cradle of His hand. Those words pierced my soul and I could feel the truth of that statement fill every part of me. Once again I feel that same divine truth all around me. This time it is my mom that is in the cradle of His hand. When I am with her I am in the presence of many who have gone on before. The veil is thin and I can feel them comforting her, watching out for her. She is so loved!

   So how does this all apply to me, to you? It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Heavenly Father's power. As we suffer and we feel broken down with no where else to go, we can become more receptive to the Spirit. I know this to be true because I have seen it in my life this last year. I feel almost as if Heavenly Father was saying, "Trust Me my child, let Me show you My power. Watch as I take care of you." When I have had literally no money, miraculously He has provided again and again. When I have had no strength left in me, He has heard my cries and given me strength to stand. When I haven't known the answers, He has provided them to me in very clear and distinct ways. He has brought complete strangers into my life that have taken care of me in one way or another. I have absolutely seen miracles! 

   It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Savior's love for us. I have ached and I continue to ache. I will always have things in my life that make me ache. When I feel that pain and I kneel in prayer I am reminded of One who not only understood my pain but literally felt it. Guys he felt every single one of our pains. Every person on the planet! That is huge! I have very little comprehension for it but the more life experience I gain and the more difficult things I experience the more gratitude I feel for Him. I know more about His love now than I did after I found out about the abuse, or when my dad died. Each new trial brings a little more comprehension for His love and a lot more gratitude for Him. 

   I know this is going to sound like a bunch of bologna to some of you and frankly sometimes it sounds like bologna to me but I would go through every hardship I've ever had all over again to be where I am today. To know Him a little better than I did. My relationship with Him, however limited it may be, is that sweet! I know as I go through these hard times that I will come to know Him a little bit more. 

   So what is the point? Why do good people have to suffer? Is it some big test or punishment? I know we are told we are sent here to be tested and I believe that but sometimes I think it's different than that. Sometimes I think the point is to learn of Heavenly Father's power and to learn of Christ's love more fully. To become humble and meek. To experience some of the miracles in my life I had to go through some pain first. I had to become humble. I would not even have been in a position to receive them had I not. I am grateful for those miracles! I am grateful to have witnessed God's power in my life! I am grateful for our Savior's love! It doesn't seem fair or right that some people should suffer the way that they do but when I look at it from a different perspective, an eternal one, I see that the reward is FAR GREATER than any pain we may experience here on earth.  

   

  

The Little Things

 

  Life has a way of surprising you even when you think nothing could shock you. A few weeks ago my family received some terrible news: My mom has lung cancer. My mom who has never smoked a day in her life has LUNG cancer! It has been a crazy couple of weeks as you can imagine. Doctors appointments, school, kids. I never saw this coming. I had assumed given the year I have already had that I was safe from anything else; my family was safe from anything else. Life can be downright discouraging sometimes. I have had days where I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I have felt so completely heartbroken and empty at times that I physically felt like my insides were falling apart. There have been moments and even days when I didn't know if the pain would ever end. Sometimes I have thought the pain was finally over only to be hit with another wave of it.Why this? Why now?  
  At the end of any relationship I feel like there is some degree of damage. I spent nine years in an unhealthy relationship. You can't stay in an unhealthy relationship that long without a lot of sacrifice and losing a piece of yourself. I had forgotten what made me, me. I had lost my passion for life. I had forgotten what it felt like to have dreams and goals. When January came and everything hit the fan I was this shell of a person. I had given everything I had, all of my energy, to making this toxic marriage work. When that day came, as awful as it was, I began to find my strength again. I found my voice and little by little I have only added to that strength. Along the way I have used many little things to fill in the broken cracks and keep me moving. And again now that I'm dealing with another hardship I rely on the little things to get me through.
  Music has always been a big part of my life. I find strength from good lyrics. A couple of days after I found out about the abuse I created a playlist called, "stronger, braver, fearless". As time has gone on and I've healed from that trial I find myself using that same playlist to draw strength as I deal with my mom's cancer.
  I have a few necklaces that I wear when I feel like I need some extra strength. I put on my necklaces like a piece of armor.

, "Be Brave: Follow your arrow wherever it points".

I have another one like the arrow except it's an anchor and it says:

"Strength: Refuse to Sink"

      One day not too long after I had told my friends about what I was going through my two friends, Tory and Jaynee, pulled me aside at mutual and gave me a little box with this necklace in it.

It says, "I am a warrior"

   I obviously love good quotes and have spent a lot of time reading faith affirming quotes that I could gain strength from. Words have power. My pinterest board titled, "Quote Love" has nearly 500 quotes and counting. 

    There is a picture hanging up in my home that I look at often. It is of Christ walking on the water. I have looked at this picture many times these last few weeks and thought to myself about Peter. "Lord save me!" I know He is there with His hand outstretched to me even though I feel like I am sinking. I often reflect on the feelings I shared in this post, "Be Still". 

  An empowering song, a necklace, a picture, a good quote. I know these seem like really simple, trivial things but they gave me strength and continue to do so. I have struggled to understand what Heavenly Father's plan is for me. I have even wondered at times if my life was some sort of sick joke. More faith has been required of me than I even knew I had. When I don't think I have anymore to give, when I feel completely depleted I am being asked to give even more. I am constantly having to dig a little deeper. It's been surprising to me how much these little things have helped me to find not only my inner strength but my joy for life despite the difficulties I face. 

   Perhaps the little thing that gives me the most joy and strength are my memories and tender little moments. The time my mom and I treated each other for lice and laughed and cried simultaneously. Watching my brother experience pure joy at a rock concert. My sons little voice singing, "I Love to See the Temple" on a drive. A hug from my sister after seeing her for the first time since we learned of my mom's cancer. Simply sitting by my brother on the couch and teasing each other like we were kids. A cupcake war with close friends and frosting everywhere. Dancing in the kitchen with my sister. Holding a chubby, little Olaf hand as we go trick-or-treating. Sweet little love notes from my daughter. Rubbing my mama's back during church. These little moments I hold on to. My memories are magic that make the hard times in life sweet.

  On Halloween my mom celebrated her 69th birthday. I gave her an arrow necklace of her own. I have watched her take this terrible news in stride. She has so much faith and is an incredibly strong woman but I have seen fear in her eyes. I know she is afraid of what the cancer is doing to her body. I know she is afraid of time, of how much of it she might have. There is simply no way with our mortal minds to fully comprehend the why's of life. All we can do is have faith in Heavenly timing and a Father who is mindful of our pain. Some days my faith feels like it's on short supply and that's where these little things come in. They fill in the cracks and carry me over until I gain more understanding. My hope for her and for any of you that are dealing with challenges in life is that you find the little things in your life that help you to be a little braver, a little stronger, and live life a little more fearlessly. As someone once told me, "when you are going through difficult times in life look for the tender mercies in life and then whatever you do remember them! Draw on them for strength. Never forget!" 

Relationship Status: Divorced

   I am officially divorced. I thought it might feel different. I thought I might feel embarrassed, ashamed, sad, maybe even excited or liberated. I don't really feel any of those things. Mostly I feel grateful. I have been blessed to have Nic in my life. It wasn't always easy, in fact it was pretty hard most of the time. He has obviously made some pretty big mistakes and I've had my share of mistakes as well, although not as obvious. Despite the difficulty of our marriage I still feel lucky. I have four beautiful kids as a result, how could I not feel lucky? We had some good times and made some great memories that I'll never forget. I mainly feel fortunate because of the note we ended our marriage on. Now that might sound strange to most of you since he ended up in prison for abusing our daughter. I will admit it was really ugly for a long time. I was angry, he was defensive and seemed to lack true remorse. The day that I forgave Nic is the day all of that changed. Heavenly Father has worked His magic on our relationship through the healing powers of Christ's atoning sacrifice.

   About a week after Nic and I had our talk about forgiveness he called me again. We talked for quite a while about the books he was reading, the things he was learning from the scriptures, how the kids were doing, and some logistics. Towards the end of the conversation Nic asked me a question, "Are you dating anyone?" To which I responded with some shock, "No, we're still married. I made covenants." I was confused as to why he would even ask me that. Then he said something that brought healing to my heart. "Well when the time comes I hope you find someone who treats you better than I ever did. I know you will be smart and find someone who will love our kids." It blew me away that those words had come out of his mouth. I had been nervous that when I started dating again that he would give me a hard time. Instead he basically gave me his blessing to move on. Now let me be clear; I know I never needed his blessing. I wasn't holding out for it or looking for his permission but the fact that he was mature enough to let me go without anymore fighting meant a lot. It will be so much easier for me and the kids to move on with our lives. 

  Another time we were talking on the phone and I asked him a question that had been nagging me in the back of my mind for months. I said, "Nic I know what you did was not my fault or anyone else's but I have to know is there something I could have done differently to have helped you more effectively? What could I have done better? Could I have done anything that might have prevented the abuse? As I move forward I want to better understand my complicity to the downfall of our marriage." Nic began to cry and with thick emotion in his voice he replied, "I can't believe you are even asking me this. It hurts that you even have those thoughts. Nothing you did was wrong. It was all me. I was the one who wasn't doing the things I needed to. I was the one who wasn't listening to the spirit. I was the one who kept making bad choices. You couldn't have done anything better."  I know I wasn't perfect but I was so relieved to know that I wasn't a failure at marriage. Through these conversations I have gained closure. I realize not everybody gets that which is why I feel so fortunate. 

   Nic and I don't talk often. I have probably only spoken to him four times. One day I got off of the phone with him and my mom looked at me with some concern on her face. "Does talking to Nic reel you back in?" I can honestly say it doesn't. The best thing about all of this is I feel 100% neutral. We talk and after hanging up I feel like I have just had a pleasant conversation with a friend. I don't feel any romantic feelings whatsoever or any anger whatsoever. I feel completely unaffected. It is a wonderful, amazing thing! I see it as a blessing for our kids. I hope the peace I feel can be carried over to my kids and that they will be able to forgive and have peace in their hearts. I hope Nic stays on this path of remorse and humility that he's on right now. 

   I will always be cautious and on guard with Nic because of the abuse. He will not be fully trusted but I do think there is some hope for him or what is the atonement for?

   I have closed the last chapter of a good book. This book made me laugh and it made me cry. It was both tender and heartbreaking. There were a lot of obstacles and challenges in the plot but in the end there was peace and closure. Now it is time for me to start a new book in the series. I am excited to see where my life goes! I feel so much more confident and comfortable in my skin. I have learned so many things about myself. I am hopeful for a love story that doesn't end. 

   I know that everyone's experiences are different. For me personally, I am absolutely confident that Heavenly Father has completely directed my life these last ten months. I have NEVER been alone. I have struggled a lot and at times I have felt very alone but in hindsight I never was. I have seen so many miracles and tender mercies. I know what compassion is. What it really is. I feel like the Heaven's have been opened and blessings have just poured down on my little family. I am so grateful for prayer and my personal relationship with God! My life would have taken a very different turn without a personal relationship with Him. I know that if we will just let Him in we will be blessed beyond measure even while facing the most difficult challenges in life! It is because of the atonement that I have found joy again. It is because of the atonement that my marriage ended without any tears shed on that final day. It is because of the atonement that I can reflect on our marriage and intellectually realize how painful it was but feel no pain. It is because of the atonement that I can reflect on our marriage and smile at the good times. It is because of the atonement that I feel hopeful and grateful for where I am at in my life right now, at this very moment. It is because of the atonement that I am confident about my future no matter what it brings. 

    

  

   

                                     

An Open Letter to my Daughter

   I was reading scriptures a while ago with my kids when my four year old son lost it. Out of no where he began to cry uncontrollably. "I want my daddy! Why can't he come out of jail? Why? I want daddy!" Over and over again he sobbed out these words. My daughter looked up from the floor where she was sitting and I could see it all in her eyes. Her big, blue, tear filled, eyes said "It's my fault he can't see dad". She too began to cry and I had both kiddos sobbing in my lap. I did my best to soothe them and then I looked over at my oldest son and thought to myself, "oh no, he is going to lose it too". But he didn't. He surprised me by calmly walking over and rubbing both of their backs while I held them and said, "It's okay, we'll see dad again. Don't be sad". I suggested we say a special prayer for daddy and my oldest son volunteered to say it. "Dear Heavenly Father please bless daddy that he will repent and choose the right. Bless that he can love Jesus and that we will see him again. Bless that he will be able to find us when he gets out of jail. Bless my brother and my sister that they won't be sad and that they won't miss daddy so much. Bless that we will be happy and comfortable here in this apartment even though we only have two bedrooms and one bathroom. (lol) In the name of Jesus Christ Amen." Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. Tears of joy. I was so proud of the spirit this six year old boy brought into our home. I was so proud of him for comforting his brother and sister. I was so proud of the extraordinary prayer that came from his heart. Usually he is the difficult one of my kids and here he was stepping up and acting like the "man of the house" at only six years of age. I ache that he feels that responsibility at such a tender age but what a tender mercy that moment was for me. I am the luckiest mom alive to have such tender hearted kids!
    Since that day one of my biggest concerns has been my daughters feelings of guilt. I've pulled her aside and talked to her a few times about her feelings. I don't know how to convince an eight year old girl that it isn't her fault when the consequences of her telling someone took her dad away. The counselor, myself, and other family members can continually tell her it's not her fault but the way things have played out leads her to believe otherwise. In the beginning, when everything was still under investigation, her brothers were allowed supervised visitation with Nic but she wasn't. She felt like she was being punished and that dad was mad at her for telling. The system, in my opinion, has some major flaws. There has to be a better way! No child should ever feel that kind of rejection or guilt for something that an adult they trusted did. I know she can't quite understand it all now so I've decided to write her a letter that one day she can read and hopefully it will hit home.

My dearest daughter,

From the moment you were born I knew you were special. There was something about your spirit that told me I would learn from you. Even as a baby you've always been so animated and full of joy. There is NOTHING weak about you! You've always been determined and have known exactly what you have wanted. In addition to these strong qualities you have always possessed a great compassion for others. You've seen those that are hurting and crying and been so aware of their pain. I marvel at the way you balance these attributes so naturally. From the time you were tiny I would often look at you and see everything I wanted to become. Some say that we get to choose our family before we come to this earth. If that is true I feel so lucky that you chose me!

This last year alone you've absolutely amazed me with your strength, resilience, and grace! You have experienced more confusion and pain than I ever did at your age. You have been betrayed by someone you trusted to care for you. I don't know personally what that feels like as a child. What I do know is you were robbed and it isn't fair. You were robbed of a normal father/daughter relationship. You were robbed of a carefree childhood. You were robbed of getting to experience certain things for the first time the way they should be experienced, with someone you love when you are much older. Unfortunately life isn't fair. I wish I could have done something, anything to prevent this from happening to you! I ache so deeply that I couldn't. I'm so sorry! I am so deeply sorry!

This is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT! You did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this! You didn't say anything wrong or do anything wrong! Your dad was sick. He was weak and he needed help but didn't seek it out. He got caught in Satan's trap and believed his lies. Let that be a lesson to you to fight like hell against Satan and his lies! Your dad will have to live with those choices he made for the rest of his life. That kind of guilt can eat you alive. Satan led him there and then once it was too late to go back Satan left him all alone. Heavenly Father will never leave you alone! Life will have challenges no matter what you do but the difference is that if you choose Satan he will abandon you when you are at your lowest and Heavenly Father will not.

I know what happened to you was confusing. I know it felt like love sometimes. I also know it made you feel uncomfortable too. Sometimes we can feel more than one feeling at once. I know when you told your school counselor that it must have been really scary for you. When you came home from school that same day and the police were at our house you must have been terrified! You haven't seen your dad since that day you told and I know a part of you misses him. Another part of you is scared he's mad at you and yet another part is relieved that those things aren't happening to you anymore. These are grown up, complex feelings for a little girl to have!

What I need you to know is that I've talked to your dad multiple times and his biggest regret is knowing what he's put you through and all you've had to deal with. He knows that you blame yourself. He's told me to tell you that he's not mad at you and it's not your fault. I have told you what he said. We have talked about it with your counselor. It's a lot for a little girl to understand.

One day you will probably have a lot of anger. If that happens just know that it's okay. It's okay to be angry. It's even okay to be angry with me. Be angry, cry, scream, yell, and feel every emotion you need to in order to put this behind you. Just don't let the anger become or define you. I told the judge this in my statement and I'm telling you now: The absolute truth is you are only a victim if you choose to be. Because I know you so well I am confident that you won't live your life as a victim. You have already chosen forgiveness as a little girl and I know that as an adult, when you intellectually understand more, that you will choose forgiveness again.

As I've said before: life isn't fair. It never will be. All we are in control of is our own attitudes and happiness. What are we going to do with what we've been given? As I see it there are only 2 choices: 1. To feel sorry for ourselves and be miserable or 2. To choose to learn from it and use it to make a difference. The latter is the only way we will find happiness.

It isn't always easy to forgive. The only way you will ever truly forgive is if you let the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ heal your heart. Seek Him in all that you do!  When you are angry, turn to Him in prayer. When you can't make the feelings of sadness dissipate, open your scriptures. When you physically and emotionally can't take anymore pain tell Him. Cry, plead, and sob about all of your heartaches to your Heavenly Father. He will NEVER leave you comfortless. I know because I've done it! I've cried countless times on my knees in agony. Slowly you will feel the healing powers of the atonement begin to put your heart back together again.

My dear daughter, you are so loved!!! I cannot express it enough! Heavenly Father helped you tell the right person that day at school. He gave you the courage to tell. You told a little girl that you weren't even friends with. I believe you were prompted to tell that little girl because she knew what to do. She knew that you needed to tell an adult. On another occasion all of my family held a fast specifically for you. We all prayed for comfort and healing for your little broken heart. That very Sunday you got up and bore your testimony. Tears streamed down my face as the spirit so clearly testified to me that you were going to be okay. You have a strength inside of you unlike anything I have ever seen! You will have happiness! You will have peace! You will know joy! I thank God everyday that you are mine!

                                                                                    To the moon and back,
                                                                                     Mom