An Open Letter to my Daughter

   I was reading scriptures a while ago with my kids when my four year old son lost it. Out of no where he began to cry uncontrollably. "I want my daddy! Why can't he come out of jail? Why? I want daddy!" Over and over again he sobbed out these words. My daughter looked up from the floor where she was sitting and I could see it all in her eyes. Her big, blue, tear filled, eyes said "It's my fault he can't see dad". She too began to cry and I had both kiddos sobbing in my lap. I did my best to soothe them and then I looked over at my oldest son and thought to myself, "oh no, he is going to lose it too". But he didn't. He surprised me by calmly walking over and rubbing both of their backs while I held them and said, "It's okay, we'll see dad again. Don't be sad". I suggested we say a special prayer for daddy and my oldest son volunteered to say it. "Dear Heavenly Father please bless daddy that he will repent and choose the right. Bless that he can love Jesus and that we will see him again. Bless that he will be able to find us when he gets out of jail. Bless my brother and my sister that they won't be sad and that they won't miss daddy so much. Bless that we will be happy and comfortable here in this apartment even though we only have two bedrooms and one bathroom. (lol) In the name of Jesus Christ Amen." Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. Tears of joy. I was so proud of the spirit this six year old boy brought into our home. I was so proud of him for comforting his brother and sister. I was so proud of the extraordinary prayer that came from his heart. Usually he is the difficult one of my kids and here he was stepping up and acting like the "man of the house" at only six years of age. I ache that he feels that responsibility at such a tender age but what a tender mercy that moment was for me. I am the luckiest mom alive to have such tender hearted kids!
    Since that day one of my biggest concerns has been my daughters feelings of guilt. I've pulled her aside and talked to her a few times about her feelings. I don't know how to convince an eight year old girl that it isn't her fault when the consequences of her telling someone took her dad away. The counselor, myself, and other family members can continually tell her it's not her fault but the way things have played out leads her to believe otherwise. In the beginning, when everything was still under investigation, her brothers were allowed supervised visitation with Nic but she wasn't. She felt like she was being punished and that dad was mad at her for telling. The system, in my opinion, has some major flaws. There has to be a better way! No child should ever feel that kind of rejection or guilt for something that an adult they trusted did. I know she can't quite understand it all now so I've decided to write her a letter that one day she can read and hopefully it will hit home.

My dearest daughter,

From the moment you were born I knew you were special. There was something about your spirit that told me I would learn from you. Even as a baby you've always been so animated and full of joy. There is NOTHING weak about you! You've always been determined and have known exactly what you have wanted. In addition to these strong qualities you have always possessed a great compassion for others. You've seen those that are hurting and crying and been so aware of their pain. I marvel at the way you balance these attributes so naturally. From the time you were tiny I would often look at you and see everything I wanted to become. Some say that we get to choose our family before we come to this earth. If that is true I feel so lucky that you chose me!

This last year alone you've absolutely amazed me with your strength, resilience, and grace! You have experienced more confusion and pain than I ever did at your age. You have been betrayed by someone you trusted to care for you. I don't know personally what that feels like as a child. What I do know is you were robbed and it isn't fair. You were robbed of a normal father/daughter relationship. You were robbed of a carefree childhood. You were robbed of getting to experience certain things for the first time the way they should be experienced, with someone you love when you are much older. Unfortunately life isn't fair. I wish I could have done something, anything to prevent this from happening to you! I ache so deeply that I couldn't. I'm so sorry! I am so deeply sorry!

This is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT! You did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this! You didn't say anything wrong or do anything wrong! Your dad was sick. He was weak and he needed help but didn't seek it out. He got caught in Satan's trap and believed his lies. Let that be a lesson to you to fight like hell against Satan and his lies! Your dad will have to live with those choices he made for the rest of his life. That kind of guilt can eat you alive. Satan led him there and then once it was too late to go back Satan left him all alone. Heavenly Father will never leave you alone! Life will have challenges no matter what you do but the difference is that if you choose Satan he will abandon you when you are at your lowest and Heavenly Father will not.

I know what happened to you was confusing. I know it felt like love sometimes. I also know it made you feel uncomfortable too. Sometimes we can feel more than one feeling at once. I know when you told your school counselor that it must have been really scary for you. When you came home from school that same day and the police were at our house you must have been terrified! You haven't seen your dad since that day you told and I know a part of you misses him. Another part of you is scared he's mad at you and yet another part is relieved that those things aren't happening to you anymore. These are grown up, complex feelings for a little girl to have!

What I need you to know is that I've talked to your dad multiple times and his biggest regret is knowing what he's put you through and all you've had to deal with. He knows that you blame yourself. He's told me to tell you that he's not mad at you and it's not your fault. I have told you what he said. We have talked about it with your counselor. It's a lot for a little girl to understand.

One day you will probably have a lot of anger. If that happens just know that it's okay. It's okay to be angry. It's even okay to be angry with me. Be angry, cry, scream, yell, and feel every emotion you need to in order to put this behind you. Just don't let the anger become or define you. I told the judge this in my statement and I'm telling you now: The absolute truth is you are only a victim if you choose to be. Because I know you so well I am confident that you won't live your life as a victim. You have already chosen forgiveness as a little girl and I know that as an adult, when you intellectually understand more, that you will choose forgiveness again.

As I've said before: life isn't fair. It never will be. All we are in control of is our own attitudes and happiness. What are we going to do with what we've been given? As I see it there are only 2 choices: 1. To feel sorry for ourselves and be miserable or 2. To choose to learn from it and use it to make a difference. The latter is the only way we will find happiness.

It isn't always easy to forgive. The only way you will ever truly forgive is if you let the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ heal your heart. Seek Him in all that you do!  When you are angry, turn to Him in prayer. When you can't make the feelings of sadness dissipate, open your scriptures. When you physically and emotionally can't take anymore pain tell Him. Cry, plead, and sob about all of your heartaches to your Heavenly Father. He will NEVER leave you comfortless. I know because I've done it! I've cried countless times on my knees in agony. Slowly you will feel the healing powers of the atonement begin to put your heart back together again.

My dear daughter, you are so loved!!! I cannot express it enough! Heavenly Father helped you tell the right person that day at school. He gave you the courage to tell. You told a little girl that you weren't even friends with. I believe you were prompted to tell that little girl because she knew what to do. She knew that you needed to tell an adult. On another occasion all of my family held a fast specifically for you. We all prayed for comfort and healing for your little broken heart. That very Sunday you got up and bore your testimony. Tears streamed down my face as the spirit so clearly testified to me that you were going to be okay. You have a strength inside of you unlike anything I have ever seen! You will have happiness! You will have peace! You will know joy! I thank God everyday that you are mine!

                                                                                    To the moon and back,
                                                                                     Mom

Broke and Grateful

  

   With Nic in prison for five years that means no child support. I was well aware of that fact when I made the decision to turn him in. I didn't know how I would provide for my kids but I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of us. He definitely has but that doesn't mean it has always been easy. I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born. I have little job experience and no degree. It has been difficult, to say the least, to figure out my finances. After getting married I got pregnant pretty quickly. It had always been my goal to be a stay at home mom and to then pursue a college degree when the kids were all in school. My perfect little plan didn't work out and now I find myself between a rock and a hard place. It is hard for me to blog about this. I don't want people to pity me and I'm not asking for handouts. I have a pride problem and I strongly dislike asking for help financially.

    One day this last spring I was reading my scriptures and I came across a particular passage that touched me. I was so concerned about money and providing for my kids. It was overwhelming.
    
Matthew 6:28-33

 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shallhe not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

.  Despite my pride Heavenly Father has found a way to bless my little family and take care of us. I had some money from tax returns that I stretched as long as I could. When that was gone I held a yard sale and sold stuff online. I had a kind woman from my past send me a check for $500.00 and at another point I received another $500.00 from some relatives. At my daughter's baptism someone slipped a $100.00 bill in my purse. A friend paid my utility bills for a while. My mom has paid my lawyer's fees. A family member has taken care of all of my gas expenses for the car for the last couple of months. My car broke down on two different occasions and my mom paid for it one time and the next time another family member paid for it. A family friend mailed me a check for another $100.00 not that long ago. When the kids started school a couple of family members took them clothes shopping. Since moving to Utah a friend of mine even bought a dresser for the boys room! I feel like I have been the queen of handouts and it has about killed me and my pride! I have been humbled more times then I can count. Each time someone has helped me they have done so with no hesitation and they always insist that it's really okay. More often than not they have volunteered to help without me even asking.

 Many times I have prayed, "Heavenly Father please help me to know what to do to take care of my kids both financially and emotionally". The timing wasn't right for me to get a job because I wasn't supposed to be in Idaho and my kids needed me to be around. They had already lost one parent and they weren't ready for me to be gone a lot too. This was made clear to me one night when I went to check on my oldest son at bedtime. He was lying on his bed staring straight up at the ceiling and I could tell something was bothering him. "What's wrong buddy?" Nothing, dead silence. This was not uncommon for him. He had a very difficult time processing his feelings and would often shut down. After lying next to him for a few minutes he finally came out with it, "Mom if you're going to go to work and school who will take care of us? When will we see you? We don't see daddy anymore." One tiny tear trickled down his cheek. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I had no idea this little boy was harboring so many fears. I did my best to comfort him and when he finally fell asleep I laid there in the dark silently crying. How do I be all things to these kids? How do I provide for all of their needs?

   Because of so many of you I haven't had to do it all on my own. I have been able to be there for my kids the way they've needed me. I've seen light come back into their eyes and smiles come back to their faces. As I type this I can't help but cry because as a mother you have no idea what it means to me that I have been able to be the one to comfort them. They are healing and I believe they are finally ready to let go of me a little more. 

   Last week I had $2 in my wallet and about $20 in my bank account. I had just told my sister to go ahead and pawn my wedding ring. The mail came and I received a sweet note from an anonymous reader of this blog and a very generous donation via cashier's check. I immediately fell to my knees in prayer and sobbed with gratitude.  I want that person to know that I will keep that note forever! Because of that donation I will be able to afford a certification class that I needed in order to pursue my career as a nurse. I will be able to buy my kids coats for the winter. My heart is forever touched by that act of kindness. I vowed to myself that day that I will do the same thing for someone else one day. 

   I often drive up to a spot at night where I can see the whole valley and all of the city lights. When I'm there I turn off the car and just think and ponder on all of the ways God has directed my life. I can see His hand so clearly in my life. Every single thing that didn't work out was for a reason. There have been little signs pointing me in a certain direction almost daily. I sit and I think about the way God has answered my prayers through all of you. I feel so small in a big and beautiful world and I can see so much opportunity and goodness in my future. My life is hard but it is unfolding so beautifully. I am doing things I never thought I was capable of doing. I am growing and evolving. I am learning to be more compassionate and in the process I am finding my passion. None of this would be possible without the incredible people who've helped me along the way! We are truly here to serve and help each other along. I feel so very blessed and fortunate that as I've done my best and still fallen short that my prayers have been heard and answered by so many of you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mine is a gratitude that will last through the eternities. 


This song came to my mind while thinking about all of those who have helped me. It is my hope and deepest wish to help others the way I have been helped. Because of the compassion I've been shown my heart has been changed. I feel a deep need inside of me to help others. How can I be a heart in the right place? How can I make someone's day a little brighter? As we turn to the Savior I know he will direct us to those who are in need. I have made a very good friend during this process who has simply listened to the promptings of the spirit and following those promptings led our paths to cross. To make a long story short because of this friendship things have come about that have helped me to forgive Nic and I have gained more confidence in who I am and my life moving forward. There is no way this person could have become my friend without listening to the spirit. There are no coincidences! Align yourself spiritually and listen to those promptings that come to you and you can be a heart in the right place. There is someone you can help "not too far from here". 

"Not Too Far From Here"

Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest, while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds, the road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
(Not too far)
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Now I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To every needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Someone is waiting
(Waiting)
Not too far from here

Prison Time

  It just so happens that most of the court dates coincided with important dates in our lives. Nic's first court date was set for April 7th, our oldest son's birthday. The second hearing was scheduled for April 24th, our daughter's birthday. It was no surprise to me, then, that Nic's sentencing court date was scheduled for our 9th wedding anniversary, June 23rd. I'm not sure why it happened that way and it kind of baffles me that THREE times in a row court dates were scheduled for important days. I don't think it was a coincidence. There was a divine purpose behind that I'm sure. It may have been to create more of an impact on Nic.
  Because I was able to secure a recorded confession from Nic, our daughter didn't have to appear in court and testify. Which was a huge relief and one of my main motivations for doing it in the first place. I, however, still had to prepare a "victim impact statement". The purpose of the statement was basically to tell the judge my view and my opinion on the matter. It was my chance to have a voice. It could even sway the verdict. I fasted, prayed, and received a couple of priesthood blessings. I wanted to be sure that what I said in my statement reflected how I felt but mostly I wanted to make sure that what I said was what Heavenly Father wanted me to say. I rewrote and tweaked that statement so many times it's ridiculous. I knew that Heavenly Father knew what Nic needed and what my family needed to heal. He had knowledge that I didn't. So I prayed for guidance that I might say the right things and the right thing would happen regarding his sentencing. I was to read my statement at his sentencing.
  Our daughter was also given the opportunity to prepare a statement. Hers would be read either by myself or the judge could read it beforehand. I felt impressed to read it aloud in court. I can remember so vividly talking to her about it with her counselor. She knew she wanted to say something. She didn't hesitate or waste any time. Her statement was simple but powerful, "I miss you daddy, I love you. I'm glad I told. I wanted it to stop." To the point. I had agonized over my statement for weeks and here was this daughter of mine completely amazing me, yet again, with her maturity.
  The day of the sentencing came and because it was our anniversary I made plans to go to the temple that morning before court. I knew I needed the extra strength and I wanted Heavenly Father to know that I still cherished and honored those covenants I made nine years ago. As I was driving to drop the kids off at my friend Janae's house my daughter asked me why I was dressed up and where I was going. "To the temple and then to court like we talked about." "Why are you going to the temple?" she questioned. "Because it's the day your daddy and I got married and I made special promises to Heavenly Father." "It's your anniversary and you have to go to court! That's crazy mom! You're supposed to go on a date on your anniversary! Maybe next year you can go on a date with somebody for your anniversary." She was absolutely appalled that court was scheduled on our anniversary. She made me chuckle about going on a date with somebody else. "I'm not sure that's quite how it works baby girl". Even my eight year old thought it was insane timing.
  I didn't have time to do an endowment session so I did a few initiatory's instead. I'm glad it worked out that way because the blessings that are unique to initiatory's is just what I needed that day to prepare me for court. When I left the temple I sat on the bench for a moment and watched a newly married couple get their pictures taken. It was so surreal to me that it had been me nine years ago and here I was sitting nine years later preparing to deliver a statement that might send him to prison. I began to cry as I thought of everything Nic had so carelessly thrown away. I would have given him everything! At times I even tried to at my own expense. I looked up and through my tears I could see the Angel Moroni and I decided in that moment to commit to myself and to Heavenly Father that I would continue to keep my eyes focused on the temple. I would not forsake my temple covenants. With that promise I had new strength and determination. I stood up and took a few pictures of the temple before leaving for court. I knew what I was standing for was right. I knew that I had been guided. I knew that keeping my temple covenants was empowering me.
  I met my sister and drove to the courthouse with her. My brother Bryon and his wife Mishawn were there to support me as well as my closest friends. It was different than I thought it would be. We had to sit for quite a while and wait for Nic's turn. While we were waiting we were witnessing other people's trials. It felt so invasive of their privacy. Finally it was Nic's turn. Seeing him with all of the light sucked out of him was a stark comparison to the Nic in a tux nine years before. They were two COMPLETELY different people! The prosecuting attorney was amazing and her witness coordinator was superb. The coordinator sat by me the entire time and broke down all of the lawyer lingo for me. She comforted me and even joked with me. I couldn't have asked for anyone better! Finally my turn came. I got up and in a dreamlike state read my statement. Right when I started to read the thought came to me, "look up often and make eye contact with the judge". I was calm and collected in my heart but I did choke up when I mentioned our anniversary and again when I talked about our daughter. I had to stop and collect myself for a minute before continuing. After reading mine I read our daughter's statement. Which I think was the perfect way to end. Then Nic had a chance to say something. He didn't say much and there was very little conviction or emotion in his voice.
   I had been told to expect what they call a 6 month rider program. Which means he would basically get prison time for only six months. It's a little more complicated than that but it's irrelevant. The judge delivered his verdict and every single person in the room was stunned including the prosecuting attorney. 5 years fixed prison time with up to 20 years! Some people were happy but I was so confused. 6 months is much shorter than 5 years! I was in shock. I knew it was what was right but I wasn't expecting it at all. After court my sister and I got in her car and just cried. It was a sad thing that it had come to this. He was going to miss 5 whole years, at least, of the kids lives. The baby would be 7 when he got out if not older! Our daughter would be a teenager! Those were 5 precious years he would miss. How could he have done this? He threw away those years! My first concern was protecting my kids and I accomplished that but it didn't make it any easier to process. After getting dropped off I went up to my closet and sobbed on the floor. Again, prayer was the only place I could turn for comfort.
   I will always remember that day and I will always feel a pang when I think of it. Despite the horrendous nature of the majority of the day I will also always remember that morning sitting outside the temple making promises. That morning I made a promise that was crucial for me to make. Moving forward with my life I need to remember that promise. My eyes are still focused on the temple!!! Always and forever I will do my best to honor those covenants. My covenants are personal and it doesn't matter that he didn't keep his. What matters is what I do with mine. His actions don't justify me breaking my own covenants. I hold them sacred and I look forward to a time when I can be sealed to someone who also holds them sacred. I look forward to a time when I can be in the temple with my own children. How much pride and joy that would bring to my heart! I know that if I want to teach my kids that the temple is an important goal then I need to be an example! I need to live it and not waiver! They need to know with absolute certainty that their mom cherishes her temple covenants! ( I do not wish to make anyone feel bad if they have not always kept their covenants. I am not perfect. In all reality I don't perfectly keep all of my temple covenants, really most of us don't. That's another tangent for another time. Again I am not pointing fingers or pushing anyone down to lift myself higher. I am not your judge! I am simply stating how I felt that day and how I feel today about the temple. )
   June 23rd was one of the best days of my life! I will never forget the way I felt making promises to Nic and Heavenly Father. June 23rd will always be a little bitter for me but mostly it is sweet. The sweetness comes from Heavenly Father and keeping His temple covenants even in difficult times!


                                                                    June 23, 2006

 

June 23, 2015