Prison Time

  It just so happens that most of the court dates coincided with important dates in our lives. Nic's first court date was set for April 7th, our oldest son's birthday. The second hearing was scheduled for April 24th, our daughter's birthday. It was no surprise to me, then, that Nic's sentencing court date was scheduled for our 9th wedding anniversary, June 23rd. I'm not sure why it happened that way and it kind of baffles me that THREE times in a row court dates were scheduled for important days. I don't think it was a coincidence. There was a divine purpose behind that I'm sure. It may have been to create more of an impact on Nic.
  Because I was able to secure a recorded confession from Nic, our daughter didn't have to appear in court and testify. Which was a huge relief and one of my main motivations for doing it in the first place. I, however, still had to prepare a "victim impact statement". The purpose of the statement was basically to tell the judge my view and my opinion on the matter. It was my chance to have a voice. It could even sway the verdict. I fasted, prayed, and received a couple of priesthood blessings. I wanted to be sure that what I said in my statement reflected how I felt but mostly I wanted to make sure that what I said was what Heavenly Father wanted me to say. I rewrote and tweaked that statement so many times it's ridiculous. I knew that Heavenly Father knew what Nic needed and what my family needed to heal. He had knowledge that I didn't. So I prayed for guidance that I might say the right things and the right thing would happen regarding his sentencing. I was to read my statement at his sentencing.
  Our daughter was also given the opportunity to prepare a statement. Hers would be read either by myself or the judge could read it beforehand. I felt impressed to read it aloud in court. I can remember so vividly talking to her about it with her counselor. She knew she wanted to say something. She didn't hesitate or waste any time. Her statement was simple but powerful, "I miss you daddy, I love you. I'm glad I told. I wanted it to stop." To the point. I had agonized over my statement for weeks and here was this daughter of mine completely amazing me, yet again, with her maturity.
  The day of the sentencing came and because it was our anniversary I made plans to go to the temple that morning before court. I knew I needed the extra strength and I wanted Heavenly Father to know that I still cherished and honored those covenants I made nine years ago. As I was driving to drop the kids off at my friend Janae's house my daughter asked me why I was dressed up and where I was going. "To the temple and then to court like we talked about." "Why are you going to the temple?" she questioned. "Because it's the day your daddy and I got married and I made special promises to Heavenly Father." "It's your anniversary and you have to go to court! That's crazy mom! You're supposed to go on a date on your anniversary! Maybe next year you can go on a date with somebody for your anniversary." She was absolutely appalled that court was scheduled on our anniversary. She made me chuckle about going on a date with somebody else. "I'm not sure that's quite how it works baby girl". Even my eight year old thought it was insane timing.
  I didn't have time to do an endowment session so I did a few initiatory's instead. I'm glad it worked out that way because the blessings that are unique to initiatory's is just what I needed that day to prepare me for court. When I left the temple I sat on the bench for a moment and watched a newly married couple get their pictures taken. It was so surreal to me that it had been me nine years ago and here I was sitting nine years later preparing to deliver a statement that might send him to prison. I began to cry as I thought of everything Nic had so carelessly thrown away. I would have given him everything! At times I even tried to at my own expense. I looked up and through my tears I could see the Angel Moroni and I decided in that moment to commit to myself and to Heavenly Father that I would continue to keep my eyes focused on the temple. I would not forsake my temple covenants. With that promise I had new strength and determination. I stood up and took a few pictures of the temple before leaving for court. I knew what I was standing for was right. I knew that I had been guided. I knew that keeping my temple covenants was empowering me.
  I met my sister and drove to the courthouse with her. My brother Bryon and his wife Mishawn were there to support me as well as my closest friends. It was different than I thought it would be. We had to sit for quite a while and wait for Nic's turn. While we were waiting we were witnessing other people's trials. It felt so invasive of their privacy. Finally it was Nic's turn. Seeing him with all of the light sucked out of him was a stark comparison to the Nic in a tux nine years before. They were two COMPLETELY different people! The prosecuting attorney was amazing and her witness coordinator was superb. The coordinator sat by me the entire time and broke down all of the lawyer lingo for me. She comforted me and even joked with me. I couldn't have asked for anyone better! Finally my turn came. I got up and in a dreamlike state read my statement. Right when I started to read the thought came to me, "look up often and make eye contact with the judge". I was calm and collected in my heart but I did choke up when I mentioned our anniversary and again when I talked about our daughter. I had to stop and collect myself for a minute before continuing. After reading mine I read our daughter's statement. Which I think was the perfect way to end. Then Nic had a chance to say something. He didn't say much and there was very little conviction or emotion in his voice.
   I had been told to expect what they call a 6 month rider program. Which means he would basically get prison time for only six months. It's a little more complicated than that but it's irrelevant. The judge delivered his verdict and every single person in the room was stunned including the prosecuting attorney. 5 years fixed prison time with up to 20 years! Some people were happy but I was so confused. 6 months is much shorter than 5 years! I was in shock. I knew it was what was right but I wasn't expecting it at all. After court my sister and I got in her car and just cried. It was a sad thing that it had come to this. He was going to miss 5 whole years, at least, of the kids lives. The baby would be 7 when he got out if not older! Our daughter would be a teenager! Those were 5 precious years he would miss. How could he have done this? He threw away those years! My first concern was protecting my kids and I accomplished that but it didn't make it any easier to process. After getting dropped off I went up to my closet and sobbed on the floor. Again, prayer was the only place I could turn for comfort.
   I will always remember that day and I will always feel a pang when I think of it. Despite the horrendous nature of the majority of the day I will also always remember that morning sitting outside the temple making promises. That morning I made a promise that was crucial for me to make. Moving forward with my life I need to remember that promise. My eyes are still focused on the temple!!! Always and forever I will do my best to honor those covenants. My covenants are personal and it doesn't matter that he didn't keep his. What matters is what I do with mine. His actions don't justify me breaking my own covenants. I hold them sacred and I look forward to a time when I can be sealed to someone who also holds them sacred. I look forward to a time when I can be in the temple with my own children. How much pride and joy that would bring to my heart! I know that if I want to teach my kids that the temple is an important goal then I need to be an example! I need to live it and not waiver! They need to know with absolute certainty that their mom cherishes her temple covenants! ( I do not wish to make anyone feel bad if they have not always kept their covenants. I am not perfect. In all reality I don't perfectly keep all of my temple covenants, really most of us don't. That's another tangent for another time. Again I am not pointing fingers or pushing anyone down to lift myself higher. I am not your judge! I am simply stating how I felt that day and how I feel today about the temple. )
   June 23rd was one of the best days of my life! I will never forget the way I felt making promises to Nic and Heavenly Father. June 23rd will always be a little bitter for me but mostly it is sweet. The sweetness comes from Heavenly Father and keeping His temple covenants even in difficult times!


                                                                    June 23, 2006

 

June 23, 2015

 

 

Covenant Keeping Men

  Four years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Everything went well during the delivery and Nic and I were overjoyed to have a third addition to our little family. Later that night, well past midnight I woke up with a weird sensation ; I felt like I was swimming. I opened my eyes only to discover that there was blood everywhere. The entire bed was soaked and the base of the hospital bed was surrounded in blood. Even more alarming the blood was coming from me!!! I tried to wake Nic up and was yelling as loudly as I dared since it was the middle of the night. (In retrospect I don't know why I was concerned about being quiet. Apparently I have good manners even when I'm in grave danger). When he didn't hear me I threw one of my pillows at him. (On second thought, about the manners...) He finally woke up and when he sat up I saw his eyes go wide with fear. He quickly ran out into the hall and notified the nurses. Why didn't I think of notifying the nurses? Hello! I had a button right on my bed! A nurse came in and when she saw the state of the room she realized she was going to need some help. She literally ran out of the room. "Nic, I need you to give me a blessing!" While we were waiting for the nurse to get back he performed a priesthood blessing right then and there. The nurse came back with another nurse and immediately they got to work. I had hemorrhaged. I was given a medication in my IV, a pill, and a shot in my thigh to stop the bleeding. They had bright lights shining down on me as they worked to get rid of my clots. By that point all of my pain medication had worn off and my uterus had taken a beating. I don't know if I've ever experienced more pain physically than I did that night. I kept looking up at the lights and then over to the clock. If I looked at the nurses faces it scared me. They looked so fearful and intense. I could see urgency all over their faces. It was like an out of body experience. I kept looking at that clock thinking I'm going to die. I wasn't panicked about it at all. I had come to peace with it and I said a little prayer that Nic and the kids would be okay. I'm not sure why I thought I was going to die given even if it did get worse I would have had surgery and more than likely it would have been successful. They took my vitals pretty frequently and they were amazed that my blood pressure wasn't that low. One of the nurses kept asking me, "Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy at all?" I didn't. Not even a little bit. Later I was told that had my vital signs not been so good they would've done emergency surgery. After what seemed like hours they finally got it under control and told me I needed to sleep. I wanted my baby so I had them bring him back in. That whole time they worked on me I didn't shed a single tear even though it hurt so badly. When they left and I was sure Nic had fallen sound asleep I finally began to silently cry onto my pillow. I cried for quite a while and then I painfully rolled over and saw my beautiful baby boy in his hospital bassinet right next to me. I looked at that sweet boy and suddenly I didn't care how scary that experience had been or how much I was hurting. I saw his tiny chest moving up and down and I thought ,"It was all worth it. I would do it all over again to have you."
     I was intending to write this about gratitude for priesthood holders but as I wrote that last sentence a thought came to me. Sometimes we go through really hard stuff. The worst pain we have ever experienced. We might even think we can't do it anymore or , as in my situation, that we're going to die. The pain can be brutal and unbearable physically and/or emotionally. The truth is at the end of that pain just when we finally break down and are about to give up something happens that makes it worth it. And if it's not worth it in this life it WILL be worth it in the next life! The thought that came specifically to me as I wrote that sentence was that I have been through hell and back. I have wanted to give up. I have thought about compromising my values at times just for a little relief. My kids have suffered in ways that no child should even have to suffer. However, maybe, just maybe, this will all be worth it in the end. If not in this life then surely in the next! I have said before that I know Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I just have never thought about the pain we've gone through as being a path to something better. Something that makes it all worth it. Something that needed to happen.
   Back to the priesthood. Nic was able to give me a priesthood blessing that night, although, it was not anointed it was a huge source of comfort and strength to me. Later as I was reading my patriarchal blessing I realized I had been blessed to be "sustained during childbirth". I don't think that was a coincidence. I have reflected a lot on that night because it was so traumatic and wonderful all at once. I feel so grateful for the priesthood! I'm grateful for the patriarch that gave me that blessing and his faithfulness. I'm grateful that I was able to receive a priesthood blessing that night. Now I don't know if Nic was worthy at that time or not to give me a priesthood blessing. Fortunately for me the blessing was predicated upon my faithfulness not his.
   This spring I was very eager for General Conference to arrive. I desperately craved some guidance and words of wisdom. I couldn't wait to hear from our prophet! I felt like I needed conference more than ever. I missed the Saturday morning session because one of my kids had a commitment they had to attend. My sister had seen it before me and she was a little concerned that one of the talks would be difficult for me to listen to given what I had just been through. The talk was "We'll Ascend Together " by Sister Linda K. Burton. Later that night after I got the kids to bed I sat down to watch that session I had missed. I was nervous when I saw that it was Sister Burton's turn. Not too far into her talk she said:

         "Many are hurting because of neglect, abuse, addictions, and

           incorrect traditions and culture."

  That grabbed my attention!! I suddenly felt like I had been pierced to the heart and I knew I needed to listen to this whole talk. I had been hurting because of neglect, abuse, and addictions! I bawled like a baby through that entire talk. I mean audibly sobbed. It wasn't for the reason you might think. The talk didn't turn out to be about suffering from abuse. I sobbed because she went on to praise the priesthood holders in her life. As she did so I couldn't control the tears. Having lost what I thought was a righteous priesthood holder I knew how special they really are. I bawled because I felt completely aligned in my heart with every word she said. We often talk about the divinity of women but I could see a neglect for some of the men in my life. Surely there are few things more powerful than a righteous priesthood holder!

        "It must be difficult, at best, for covenant men to live in a world that not

         only demeans their divine roles and responsibilities but also sends false

         messages about what it means to be a 'real man.' One false message is

         'It's all about me.' On the other end of the scale is the degrading and

         mocking message that husbands and fathers are no longer needed.

I plead with you not to listen to Satan's lies!"

 

  I cried as I tried to think about it from a man's perspective. They are needed! Did I make Nic feel needed and important enough? Did I value him when he was doing praiseworthy things? Now that I am trying to play the role of both mother and father I see even clearer how vital a good father is to the home! It is so critical that we are patient and loving with the men in our lives. We need to be aware of all of the things they do, not focus on all of the things they don't do. I know I often had a "honey do" list a mile long and I would get so impatient when I didn't think Nic was helping me enough or getting to it quickly enough. How I regret the way I went about seeking assistance from him! I have seen many scenarios where the wife is picking at her husband. It really saddens me. It saddens me to think that I did that.

  My hope is that we, as women, can be more appreciative of the worthy priesthood holders in our lives. Men and women are equal. One is not above the other. I am not suggesting we diminish our own divine identity as we elevate theirs. I am simply suggesting that we pause and think a minute about the blessings these men are in our lives. If you are lucky enough to be married to such a man count your blessings! Tell him how much you love him and respect him. Even better show him through your actions! If he really is exemplifying the priesthood he holds then he will show you in return how much he appreciates and love you. Don't let him feel unwanted or unnecessary. As Sister Burton illustrated in her talk; we should ascend together.