Cold, Hard, Ugly Truth

So here it is, the cold, hard, ugly truth; the real reason I haven't felt like keeping up on my blog is I am afraid of being vulnerable. Somewhere along the way I distorted things in my head and began to feel like I could only write when I was feeling strong or when I had answers or insights that might help others. I had to be inspiring and I wasn't feeling inspired. The truth is I haven't felt strong in a very long time. I think I am more like my mom than I even realized. She was notorious for responding with, "I'm okay" when she really wasn't. In fact, if she said those words we knew she really wasn't. The truth is I'm not always okay and that is okay. The truth is I don't have all the answers or even a handful of them. The truth is my faith is being tested. The truth is I have good days and bad days. The truth is I still have breakdowns once in a while.

Today we sold my mom's house. I went to the title company and picked up a pen and signed my name in all the right places. Except, they weren't really the right places because I shouldn't have had to sign my name at all. Those documents shouldn't have even existed. A sign should never have been stuck in her yard. She should never have gotten sick. She should still be alive! I have had so many conflicting feelings as I process all of the changes that have taken place. I am still having trouble accepting her death. This is grief. These are the emotions people deal with after the funeral is over and everyone has gone home. Life goes on and we're expected to move on with it. I'm trying. Some days it's literally putting one foot in front of the other.

As quickly as negative thoughts come, they are replaced with thoughts of gratitude. "Thank you God for letting me care for her! Thank you God for letting her be my mother! Thank you God for her life and the impact it has had on mine." In the end the gratitude always wins out. I would go through all of the pain a thousand times over for the opportunity to serve her again! For me, love and gratitude will always conquer hate and pain. 

That being said, in the months following her death I have started 17 different blog posts attempting to express my feelings only to stop a few sentences in. Grief is complicated and I've been ashamed that I don't have it all together. "Where is my faith?", "Do I or do I not believe I'll see her again?", "How could God do this to our family?" "I have been doing all the right things, I am a good person and this is how God repays me?", "Haven't we suffered enough?", "Forget about me, how could God do this to my kids?" Even now knowing that these thoughts are a normal part of grief I still feel guilty for having thought them. I have screamed and cursed God's name more times than I care to admit as I wept in a blind rage that my mom, my best friend in the entire world was taken from me too soon. Then came the shame... I KNOW the truth! I have seen miracles firsthand in my life. I CANNOT deny God's existence nor His love for me and yet when my mom passed away I wondered why He didn't care about me. I wondered where He was when I needed Him. After all we had already lost this didn't feel like love. If He was real and could really see me than why did I continue to hurt so much? Why couldn't He throw me a bone and give me a break? I found myself feeling certain I could not write about these thoughts because they were too dark, too moody and who would they help? No, I would have to process the feelings of anger and abandonment silently and privately.

So why am I writing about those feelings now? I'm still not on the other side of this trial. I guess the answer is the same reason I started this blog in the very first place. I want to help someone, even if it's just one person. Hiding my true feelings and brushing them under the rug so that I appear like I'm doing okay doesn't help anybody. Life isn't a perfect package and grief isn't something we can orchestrate. I am making gains with my happiness. I feel myself slowly healing and progressing towards the happiness I know will be mine. Despite the sadness, I have never stopped laughing even when my heart feels heaviest. Most people around me probably had no idea how much I was hurting. I wasn't faking laughter or forcing happiness it just wasn't lasting joy. The moment I was alone with my thoughts I would feel depressed again. I know based on previous experience with losing my dad that one day I'll find that my heart feels light again and laughter fills my soul, not just the moment I'm in. I think I'm over the darkest part of it now, for the first time in a while I feel hope. I want to share that hope with others. I want those that are grieving and possibly thinking some of the same thoughts that I have felt so ashamed of to know that they are not alone! God hasn't abandoned us no matter how much it feels that way (more to come on this later). Today is an important step for me because I'm choosing to be open again, I'm choosing to be vulnerable. Today I choose to be honest and admit I still have fears and doubts. Ironically admitting those fears and doubts is precisely what makes me grow stronger and feel braver. Remembering that I have a Savior who atoned for my pain, my fear, and my shame is the first step to becoming fearless!

Working to Heal

17. That's how many blog posts I have started writing but haven't been able to finish. My heart has been changed in so many ways by this blog and by those who have read it. I truly believe if it weren't for some of my readers I wouldn't be where I am today. One reader in particular has anonymously given my family so much. It is because of her that I was even able to care for my mom the way I did and now attend nursing school. I have taken to calling her my guardian angel, you see she has been paying for childcare for my kids for about a year now. I don't even know her name and she volunteered to pay for childcare for my four kids! That's only one of the many generous things she has done and definitely a story that will be told sometime in the future.

With that being said, nursing school, my kids, my mom's affairs, and my grief have kept me plenty busy. My heart yearns to tell the world about the miracles I have seen, the love I've experienced, the service I've been extended, the healing powers of the Atonement and the grace of God. I know now is not that time. I am in a difficult phase of my life that requires more of me than I would like but because of the selfless love of the Savior I know that this will be just that, a phase. My heart will heal and I will see happier days. I WILL write again and when I do it will be beautiful, raw, emotional, and theraputic for me. Until that day comes I am going to put my all into being the very best mommy, sister, friend, niece, and student I can possibly be. I appreciate every single person reading this and encourage you to stay tuned. One day I will be back and it will be wonderful! I have experienced too much goodness to not share it. I sincerely love you all for allowing me to be vulnerable and for supporting me through some of the most difficult times in my life! Now it's time for me to heal and put in the work to create a beautiful life for myself and my precious babies.

Back to the Beginning

Tonight the rain is pouring outside my window while I'm tucked safely inside my cozy, little basement apartment. Tonight that same rain seems to be reflecting the feelings of my heart. The last few days my heart has been constantly weeping for the loss of my mom. I get up, get the kids to school, run my errands and do my daily tasks, pick up my kids and I smile and play with them, I tuck them in bed and kiss their sweet cheeks trying to soak in every ounce of their goodness and in return give them all of the love I have, and then the tears my heart has been silently crying all day are finally free to slide down my cheeks. Tonight it is time to write again. Tonight I am going to take it back to the beginning.... 

The cooler temperatures of the fall seem to be bringing back vivid memories to my mind. It was this time last year that I moved to Utah. I didn't know then that the months of September and October would be my last two months spent with my mom before she would become dependent on me. We spent those two months in the same manner that we usually spent time together. We were oblivious to the poison inside her body that would soon take her life. Ignorance was bliss.

There is one particular night in September that sticks out to me. Remember the lice my daughter had had the previous spring? Turns out she actually had SUPER lice! Apparently super lice cannot be killed with over-the-counter lice treatments. On this September evening I discovered that not only did she have it, but so did all of my boys! I was distraught. I could not do lice anymore. My mom and I took the boys out back and completely shaved off all their hair. We worked late into the night bagging up all of the pillows, washing the linens, vacuuming, and combing through hair. We decided we better check our own hair as well. My mom and I took turns combing through each other's hair using a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass (keep in mind we both have very thick heads of hair). Any of you who have dealt with lice before will know what a painstakingly slow process it is to thoroughly check for lice. Seeing as it was now our third go around with lice in six months time (thank you super lice) my mom and I decided to also chemically treat our hair despite not seeing any sign of lice. We were determined to be done once and for all with all things lice! 2 a.m. rolls around and we are both sitting at the kitchen table with this gross chemical treatment in our hair. Out of nowhere I started to sob uncontrollably. Shocked my mom said, "Buggins, what's wrong?" (side note: we're a nickname family) I couldn't get the words to make sense I was crying so hard. I was trying to say, "I'm so tired of hard." It sounded so ridiculous and I felt like a child crying like that that I then began to laugh but I was also still crying. I was legitimately hard core crying and full on laughing at the same time. I have never experienced anything like it prior to that experience or in the days following. I felt like a full on lunatic. "I think you're having a nervous breakdown" was my mom's response through her own laughter. At two in the morning we were sitting at the kitchen table with gunk in our hair, simultaneously laughing and crying like babies who can't decide if they should laugh or cry, except that we were full grown adults. That is one thing I loved best about my mom, she was always a person I didn't have to be anything but me with. I could act like a crazy woman having a premature midlife crisis at 28 and she didn't care. She unconditionally embraced my crazy and always brought hers to the party. Somehow that terrible night has become a treasured and cherished memory. A memory of acceptance and love from a mother to a daughter. There are times I'd give anything to be back in that hard, uncomfortable, kitchen chair with smelly chemicals in my hair. 

The beginning of October I started taking a CNA course. Classes were from 9-2, Monday-Friday all month long. During this time my oldest two kids were in school but my youngest two were not. My mom had agreed to watch my little ones for the month. That month was a priceless treasure for my then four year old. He got so much more attention from grandma that he didn't normally get when the bigger kids were around. They spent many of those beautiful fall days going for walks. The baby has more energy than most people know what to do with and as the month of October progressed, my mom began to experience extreme fatigue. A lingering cough she had had since the spring began to worsen. When she was tired of chasing my youngest around she would buckle him in the stroller where he would be confined and my four year old would walk along beside her. Despite her exhaustion it was usually easier for her to manage a walk than chase the two year old around at home. She never let me know just how bad she was feeling but despite her best efforts to hide it I knew something was wrong. I felt guilty leaving her with my kids but she insisted and at that point there was only a couple more weeks left, therefore, daily walks with my boys became the norm. 

It was on these walks that my four year old formed a bond with her that is quite remarkable. Because of all of the changes from the divorce and the high demands placed on me, he was struggling a bit to be seen. The two of them would walk and talk. She would point out things about nature to him and before long he suggested they start saying prayers on their walks. This tickled her. He would say, "Grandma, Grandma stop we need to say another prayer". She would patiently stop and listen to him pray for his sister and then they'd walk a little further before he would ask her to stop again to pray for someone else. This went on and on the whole walk until he had stopped and said a prayer for every member of our family. My mom cherished these walks and I believe they were a small step in preparing her for what was to come. I know they were a huge step in healing my little boy's heart. 

One day I came home a bit early and discovered the house empty and the stroller gone. Knowing they must be on one of their walks I walked out front to wait for them. Sure enough there they were walking towards me on the other side of the street. My mom was pushing the baby, my four year old was walking eagerly beside her, and they were looking at each other discussing something with smiles on their faces. The sun shone perfectly behind them so that their silhouette's were crisply outlined against the sky. A gentle breeze scattered leaves along the road and ruffled my hair when I distinctly heard, "remember this moment" whispered in my mind. Time stood still for just a fleeting moment. I willed myself to soak it all in, to memorize the way they looked, the way I felt, the sound of their distant laughter, every single bit of it I tried to commit to memory. Tears sprang to my eyes and in that moment I knew....

That was the last walk she ever took with my boys. From that day on, deep in my soul I knew that the "lingering cough" would eventually take her life. The next time I came home from school she showed me her pillowcase. It was speckled with blood from coughing in the night. That was the beginning of the end of her mortal life. 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss her presence.

 Even though I love the changing leaves and crisp air, this fall has been painful for me because this year the changing leaves and crisp air acts like a trigger on a gun where the ammo is a bunch of bittersweet memories. Memories that I know I have to share, I have to let out somehow because if I keep them in I'll drown in them. Some of them are too painful to keep locked away, stuffed inside. Some of them are too beautiful to keep to myself. Grief is funny like that; pain and beauty intertwine until sometimes you don't know where the beauty stops and the pain begins. So like the trees in autumn I'm shedding my memories like falling leaves. Some of the leaves are ugly, dead, and brown, rotting on the ground. However, most of the leaves from my tree are vibrant oranges, reds, and golds; you see most of my memories are more beautiful than painful. To know my mom, to care for my mom, to love my mom and be loved by her in return, that is more beautiful than any autumn leaf! How fortunate that life is eternal and that like the tree that loses it's leaves every fall, new memories will come forth like fresh leaves growing in the spring!

                                                Treating her hair for lice. lol

                                              Grandma time with the little boys

                               

Kathleen Abrams Ewell, A Believer

I'm not sure this post will make any sense. It is most likely going to be a jumbled mess of my thoughts and feelings. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I know I just need to get them out somehow. I don't know how to write about such tender things while it is still so fresh but feel it is important to do so. I have written quite a bit in my journal but feel the need to share some of these thoughts with others. My mom was one of my biggest supporters of this blog and I know she would want me to share some of these things if it might benefit someone. I still feel so amazed and humbled that what I have to say makes a difference in the lives of others. I feel so normal, so ordinary, but perhaps that is where my power is. I can help others because I'm normal and ordinary and I have been blessed with the courage to share. So with a little apprehension I am once again going to be vulnerable and share with y'all another piece of my heart. I'm going to share some of my grief with you. I'm going to share one of the most valuable things to me with you, my mama.

On July 13th at 3:01 a.m. my dad came to take my sweet mama home and end her mortal suffering. It was a beautiful and tender blessing to hold her hand and feel her heart beat its last few beats. The love that was in that room with my siblings and I surrounding her bed as she left this life is something that cannot ever be described by words we have here in this life. Her nine month battle with stage 4 lung cancer tested and tried her to her limits in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically she fought EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Some would say the cancer won, I have even said she lost her battle but as I look back now I realize I was wrong. Despite extreme pain and moments of doubt and fear she never lost her faith. She never lost who she was as a mother, a sister, a cousin, a grandma, a daughter of God. Her love and faith remained strong the whole way through. I call that a victory! Those who know my mama know she has always had a fierce determination to rise up and be counted as a believer. And that she did!

A week ago we held her funeral and put her body to rest next to my dads. The last week or so has been surreal. None of this feels like it really happened. Occasionally a memory will rush back to me and with it comes emotion, shock. This is reality. With that reality comes the impression that I need to share who my mom was and is. I need to share my testimony that she lives, that death is not the end! I need to share experiences that I've had that have taught me that although awful, bad things happen sometimes to good people, God is real. I have had so many special, sacred experiences these last nine months while caring for my mom. I know I need to write about some of them but I'm still trying to process and decipher what to share. Some things are too special to my siblings and I to ever share publicly.

Despite the pain I feel at the loss of her physical presence I feel a deep, intense peace inside my heart. Nearly every day of my life I have talked to my mom. She was my confidant, my counselor, my best friend. We would talk about a variety of things ranging from things as mundane as what we did that day to our deepest pains and heartfelt desires. Losing her is odd because the person who always helped me the most with this kind of thing was her. I would call her and cry and vent and cry some more. She always validated my feelings and knew exactly what to say to motivate and empower me. In fact, it was she who gave me the words: stronger, braver, fearless as my mantra! I find myself now in a position where I am once again at a crossroads. My whole life was about caring for my mom these last nine months and of course my kids as well. Now I have to create a new life for my kids and I. I don't know exactly what that looks like and that can be terrifying but I have an idea and hope for the future. I don't regret the decision to drop everything and care for her in the least. Besides my decision to become a mother, choosing to care for her was the best thing I have ever done!!! I have now experienced a different, deeper kind of love than I ever thought possible. I am grateful to have experienced that kind of sacred, selfless, eternal love! Every pain I feel at her loss is matched with an equal amount of gratitude. Gratitude for that time. I never in my wildest dreams envisioned myself being an "orphan" before I was thirty but I don't feel that way. I feel so grateful for the parents I have, for the time I had with each of them before they were called home. I have been blessed to have had noble and loving parents. With that gratitude comes peace, I feel their love every day of my life. They are still here with me, in all that I do. I read my moms journal this week and I realized that she also lives on in me. She gave me the best qualities about her. Because of her example I have her strength, her ability to love, her sense of humor, and an unwavering dedication to family and Heavenly Father. I don't necessarily think I'm amazing but she was and through her constant example she has given me the ability to develop those same qualities. They are in me and because of her I will rise up and be counted as she lives on through me. So even though I want to call her and ask for her advice, "What do I do next?", I know what she would say. "you can do hard things", "gird up your loins and fresh courage take", "the gospel isn't for wimps", "put one foot in front of the other", "move forward with faith", "I believe in you and you will rise up to meet what life has handed you", "just do this day", and most importantly, "I love you, you can do this!". Sometimes the grief and fear is debilitating but then I think about her life and the things she overcame and the words of advice she would have for me and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that although the road will be challenging and overwhelming at times, I will succeed!!! I will know true joy and happiness can be found even in the most difficult times. I choose light, I choose happy, I choose to believe, and I will rise!

Kathleen Abrams Ewell was a lot of things in this life: a daughter, a sister, an actress, a nurturer, a granddaughter, a cousin, a poetess, a teacher, a "ding-a-ling", a friend, a comedian, a devoted wife, a superb mother, and most importantly, she was a believer!

The Last Christmas

 It all started with a lamb...

   I will never forget last Christmas as long as I live. It was the last Christmas we would spend together as a family. Nic and I were struggling a little financially and our marriage had seen better days. By this point Nic was already in deep trouble and it reflected through his actions. Things that should have been so joyful with our little kids were very painful. One December day I had the notion that for family home evening we should go pick out a tree at the local tree lot. Nic didn't think that sounded like a fun idea and was very obstinate. With a guilty conscience I think he felt like a fraud when we did things together as a family. He finally consented, I believe his exact words were, "fine I'll go but only if you get all the kids ready and loaded in the van by yourself". Desperate to get a tree and make a fun memory for the kids I did my best to try to ignore his mood. I got the kids ready and loaded. In the three short blocks to the tree lot he continued to make grumpy comments and my sensitive nature couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry and I pleaded with him to try to cheer up so we wouldn't ruin this for the kids. He never did cheer up. We ended up with a tree that night but I decorated it alone after the kids went to bed with tears streaming down my face and a broken heart. I couldn't understand what was wrong with Nic. I silently prayed for some understanding, some comfort so that I might be able to salvage the Christmas season.
   The very next day someone knocked on the door as I was cleaning up dinner. I opened the door to discover no one there and a small present on the welcome mat. It was a piece to a nativity set, I believe a lamb with a quote attached to it. Every day from there on we received another piece to the nativity set. The notes attached were always so sweet and often tears would fill my eyes as I contemplated the role each character played. The kids and I would wait in anticipation every evening and guess which piece we would receive next. They would shriek with delight every time we heard the knock at the door. The sweetness and magic of Christmas was brought back into our home. My heart was so grateful and I loved placing each piece so carefully on top of the piano. You see, I had never had a nativity set and I'd always wanted one and boy was this one beautiful!
   To this day I have no clue who gave us that nativity set. What I do know is that they were an answer to my prayers. They probably didn't have any idea the concerns that were in my heart. From the outside we appeared to be a happy family. They didn't know that their precious gift would touch my heart and create a lasting impression on my kids. They couldn't have known that Nic was in trouble and that in one short month our whole world would blow up. What could've been an absolutely terrible Christmas turned out to be one filled with magic and the love of Christ. It was a true testament to me that our Heavenly Father does answer prayers. He couldn't change what Nic had already chosen but He could comfort my aching heart. That nativity set has become one of my most prized possessions, not because it's beautiful, but because it is a gentle reminder to me of the true meaning of Christmas. No matter what's going on every time I look at that manger scene a quiet peace spreads throughout my body and the spirit whispers to me, "this is what it's all about, be still". How grateful I am for the birth of the Christ child! Surely this is why He was born, to heal and mend our broken hearts.

A Thankful Heart

   This Thanksgiving my thoughts kept circling back to where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving. When my daughter told the school counselor about the abuse she said it started on Thanksgiving. She said grandma was staying in her room but for some reason she wasn't there that night. As I have thought back to last Thanksgiving it all makes perfect sense. Nic loved spending time with my family so if they were in town usually he would go back over to where they were at after we got the kids in bed for the night. Last year he told me I should go spend time with my family. I remember looking at him a little shocked thinking it was strange. After a few minutes I decided I would go and I figured maybe he was trying to be more generous and less selfish. I greatly appreciated the night off with my family. Little did I know that he wanted me to go so he could be alone with our daughter. It used to haunt me that Thanksgiving was where it all began. I remember feeling so guilty. How did I not know? Where was my mother's intuition? The truth is it all began a long time before that day. He must have been having thoughts for some time before he actually acted on them.
    So a year later here I am and honestly I couldn't be more grateful. I'm grateful first of all that my kids are safe. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father guided me to do all the right things so I could protect my babies. My daughter no longer has to endure sexual abuse and is on the path of healing. I'm grateful she has been so resilient and that the atonement has worked as a balm on her heart. I'm grateful she was prompted to tell some little girl that she didn't really know that her daddy was touching her. She was prompted to tell the right little girl, the little girl that would encourage her to tell the counselor at school. I'm grateful for that little girls parents for teaching her what to do. If I knew who they were I would give them a huge hug and thank them from the bottom of my heart. I'm thankful for all of the social workers, family, friends, lawyers, officers, teachers, and the judge that made it possible for me to get to this point. Because of their help and support my kids are safe. My daughter doesn't have to be afraid to go to sleep in her bed at night.
    I'm grateful for the generosity of others. This past year would have been absolutely crushing without the loving compassion of others. I cannot even begin to say how much every smile, kind thought, prayer, act of service and financial donation has meant to me. I make sure to tell my kids all the time how lucky we are and how important it is to help others. I feel like I'm being redundant but I am quite honestly blown away by the generous acts of others. I am inspired by these acts to be better and do better. To know that I have not only my personal family and friends but complete strangers rooting and pulling for my little family to succeed inspires me to keep going, to keep fighting, and I strive to be like those who have helped me. Their love and generosity has forever changed my heart.
    I'm grateful for my siblings. This last year my family has experienced many hardships. The shocking news about Nic's abuse devastated my family. Many of them have also experienced a lot of pain in their own personal lives. A brother and sister-in-law lost their teenage nephew in a tragic accident. As you can imagine it was heartbreaking. Then this fall my family received even more devastating news when we found out about my mom's cancer. As we have had such difficult times we've been together a lot more than usual. What I'm so grateful for is the time we've spent together even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. We have laughed and cried together many times this last year and I so appreciate that we have each other. None of us have to experience these things all alone. I'm so grateful for the intense loyalty and love I receive from my family. I know that my siblings have my back no matter what. Their lives are busy and they can't always be there but because of the quality time we have shared together I never doubt their love.
    I'm thankful for my mom's testimony. I'm thankful that she was always an example to me and that she taught me well. Many people have commended me for my spiritual strength. I truthfully cannot take any credit. I did not become this way all on my own. It was my mother who instilled in me from a very young age the importance of a relationship with Heavenly Father. Over the years she has taught me many spiritual life lessons. I'm grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I would not be where I am today without her. It is because of her that I know that no matter what life throws my way I will be okay as long as I cling tightly to the gospel. She has consistently been my rock. I am so grateful that we have had more time with her. Her stroke scared us all. We weren't sure we were going to get her back. Those were some dark days for our family. My heart is so full that we were able to spend thanksgiving with her and that she was able to enjoy it. I don't know what the cancer will do to her or when it will take her from this life but I'm so grateful for each and every moment I get with her and for the blessed opportunity I have now to extend some service to her. It is my turn to care for and nurture her. I am so happy to do it.
    I'm thankful for the four little humans that I get to call my own. My kids are the reason I go on when I feel like giving up. They're the reason I smile when I've had a bad day. They're the reason I get up and choose to fight each and every day of my life no matter how damn hard it is to fight. They drive me crazy sometimes but my love for them goes so deep that I can't stay crazy. I look at them and marvel at their perfectly healthy little bodies, their dimples, their little blonde heads. I am in awe of their unique and marvelous personalities. How are these wild, sweet, crazy, funny, smart, loving kids mine? My kids give me purpose. They breathe new life into me each and every time they give me a hug or flash a smile my way. Sometimes I suspect that they do far more for me than I do for them. I consider myself very blessed to be their mama.
     I could go on and on as I have MUCH to be grateful for. Perhaps the thing I am the most grateful for is a wise and loving Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. In Heavenly Father's wisdom and love He has guided and protected me this past year through some really rough waters. The storm was coming no matter what. Nic did what he did and my mom's cancer couldn't have been prevented. Without Heavenly Father's help I would surely have drowned with the immensity of it all. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done but I'm positive I would've self destructed from the weight of it all without a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Never have I faced more pressure and strain on me than I have this past year. Heavenly Father completely took over and guided me when it came to Nic's criminal charges. I was literally told step by step what to do. Then in His infinite wisdom He sent me to Utah. I never wanted to move back to Utah and when I finally did I still didn't know the full purpose behind it. I was brought here to be with and care for my mom at this difficult time for her. I am so grateful I listened to Him when I didn't want to. I couldn't possibly know my mom had cancer at the time. When I have felt I was in way over my head, when I've felt like I absolutely couldn't rise up to what was being required of me, through deep prayer the atonement has time and time again come to my rescue. It has been my most powerful defense against the adversary. I get up on my own two feet and I continue to surprise myself with what I'm capable of as I let the atonement strengthen and sustain me. I would be no where without the atonement. I promise you I am not as strong as I seem in fact most of the time I feel quite the opposite, I am so incredibly weak and human, for this reason I am beyond thankful for my Heavenly Father and His Son.
    I have been taught many things. I have witnessed miracles. I have been the recipient of more generosity than I even knew existed. My heart is truly full.  As I have reflected on who I was and where I was a year ago I am so grateful to be who I am and where I am now. I have NO reason not to have a thankful heart always.

What Hurts.

   I mentioned in my last post that my mom has lung cancer. Since then she has had a stroke that was a side effect of the lung cancer. It's difficult for me to write about this because it's happening now and I don't want to say anything that might make it more difficult for my mom or cause her more worry or pain. That being said I have stuffed a lot of my feelings and haven't been coping very well. I haven't had much alone time or reflective time like I'm used to having so that I can process my feelings. I have tried to keep going full steam and take it all on. I wanted to be everything for my kids, my mom, my siblings, and still make time for myself. Turns out you can't be all things to all people. (like duh! ) So tonight I was putting clean sheets on my bed when I found myself suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. All of the feelings I had been stuffing and trying to run from, everything I was trying to be stronger than came out all at once. So here I am. I don't write these things publicly to seek sympathy or for anyone's pity. I am here writing because it hurts and somehow writing about my pain and sharing it makes me feel a little bit better on the off chance that somebody else will read it and identify with it. That they might feel a little less alone. I know my siblings understand, I have the BEST siblings, but when I write that's how I deal. That's my therapy. I write hard and fast and get it all out.  

  I have found myself in a position yet again where my life is in chaos through no fault of my own. What's the point? What's the purpose of it all? How could one person have to deal with so much in one short year? I know so many others that have suffered with such difficult things. Some far worse than anything I've been through. So again I ask, why? These are good people I'm talking about! 

  My mom has lived a hard life. She's had many challenges and heartaches. I've seen her step up and do what needs to be done no matter how tired she was. Then in the evenings or early mornings when everything is quiet she would cry. She would cry to the Lord on her knees asking for more strength, desiring only to do His will. When I heard of her cancer I was angry. She doesn't need to be tested anymore! She shouldn't have to suffer anymore! Why can't she just have a little taste of what it's like to be carefree? What I've come to realize is that her cancer is not a punishment. It is not some final test that she has to pass. I don't know why she has stage four lung cancer. What I do know is that Heavenly Father loves her! He has been with her every step of the way. He is saddened to see her in pain. It is through her cancer that He is showing her His power. It is through her cancer that He is bringing her even closer to Him. She has been told as much in a priesthood blessing and I have felt His love for her. My sister, Laura, once told me in the middle of my crisis that Heavenly Father had me in the cradle of His hand. Those words pierced my soul and I could feel the truth of that statement fill every part of me. Once again I feel that same divine truth all around me. This time it is my mom that is in the cradle of His hand. When I am with her I am in the presence of many who have gone on before. The veil is thin and I can feel them comforting her, watching out for her. She is so loved!

   So how does this all apply to me, to you? It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Heavenly Father's power. As we suffer and we feel broken down with no where else to go, we can become more receptive to the Spirit. I know this to be true because I have seen it in my life this last year. I feel almost as if Heavenly Father was saying, "Trust Me my child, let Me show you My power. Watch as I take care of you." When I have had literally no money, miraculously He has provided again and again. When I have had no strength left in me, He has heard my cries and given me strength to stand. When I haven't known the answers, He has provided them to me in very clear and distinct ways. He has brought complete strangers into my life that have taken care of me in one way or another. I have absolutely seen miracles! 

   It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Savior's love for us. I have ached and I continue to ache. I will always have things in my life that make me ache. When I feel that pain and I kneel in prayer I am reminded of One who not only understood my pain but literally felt it. Guys he felt every single one of our pains. Every person on the planet! That is huge! I have very little comprehension for it but the more life experience I gain and the more difficult things I experience the more gratitude I feel for Him. I know more about His love now than I did after I found out about the abuse, or when my dad died. Each new trial brings a little more comprehension for His love and a lot more gratitude for Him. 

   I know this is going to sound like a bunch of bologna to some of you and frankly sometimes it sounds like bologna to me but I would go through every hardship I've ever had all over again to be where I am today. To know Him a little better than I did. My relationship with Him, however limited it may be, is that sweet! I know as I go through these hard times that I will come to know Him a little bit more. 

   So what is the point? Why do good people have to suffer? Is it some big test or punishment? I know we are told we are sent here to be tested and I believe that but sometimes I think it's different than that. Sometimes I think the point is to learn of Heavenly Father's power and to learn of Christ's love more fully. To become humble and meek. To experience some of the miracles in my life I had to go through some pain first. I had to become humble. I would not even have been in a position to receive them had I not. I am grateful for those miracles! I am grateful to have witnessed God's power in my life! I am grateful for our Savior's love! It doesn't seem fair or right that some people should suffer the way that they do but when I look at it from a different perspective, an eternal one, I see that the reward is FAR GREATER than any pain we may experience here on earth.  

   

  

Broke and Grateful

  

   With Nic in prison for five years that means no child support. I was well aware of that fact when I made the decision to turn him in. I didn't know how I would provide for my kids but I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of us. He definitely has but that doesn't mean it has always been easy. I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born. I have little job experience and no degree. It has been difficult, to say the least, to figure out my finances. After getting married I got pregnant pretty quickly. It had always been my goal to be a stay at home mom and to then pursue a college degree when the kids were all in school. My perfect little plan didn't work out and now I find myself between a rock and a hard place. It is hard for me to blog about this. I don't want people to pity me and I'm not asking for handouts. I have a pride problem and I strongly dislike asking for help financially.

    One day this last spring I was reading my scriptures and I came across a particular passage that touched me. I was so concerned about money and providing for my kids. It was overwhelming.
    
Matthew 6:28-33

 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shallhe not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

.  Despite my pride Heavenly Father has found a way to bless my little family and take care of us. I had some money from tax returns that I stretched as long as I could. When that was gone I held a yard sale and sold stuff online. I had a kind woman from my past send me a check for $500.00 and at another point I received another $500.00 from some relatives. At my daughter's baptism someone slipped a $100.00 bill in my purse. A friend paid my utility bills for a while. My mom has paid my lawyer's fees. A family member has taken care of all of my gas expenses for the car for the last couple of months. My car broke down on two different occasions and my mom paid for it one time and the next time another family member paid for it. A family friend mailed me a check for another $100.00 not that long ago. When the kids started school a couple of family members took them clothes shopping. Since moving to Utah a friend of mine even bought a dresser for the boys room! I feel like I have been the queen of handouts and it has about killed me and my pride! I have been humbled more times then I can count. Each time someone has helped me they have done so with no hesitation and they always insist that it's really okay. More often than not they have volunteered to help without me even asking.

 Many times I have prayed, "Heavenly Father please help me to know what to do to take care of my kids both financially and emotionally". The timing wasn't right for me to get a job because I wasn't supposed to be in Idaho and my kids needed me to be around. They had already lost one parent and they weren't ready for me to be gone a lot too. This was made clear to me one night when I went to check on my oldest son at bedtime. He was lying on his bed staring straight up at the ceiling and I could tell something was bothering him. "What's wrong buddy?" Nothing, dead silence. This was not uncommon for him. He had a very difficult time processing his feelings and would often shut down. After lying next to him for a few minutes he finally came out with it, "Mom if you're going to go to work and school who will take care of us? When will we see you? We don't see daddy anymore." One tiny tear trickled down his cheek. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I had no idea this little boy was harboring so many fears. I did my best to comfort him and when he finally fell asleep I laid there in the dark silently crying. How do I be all things to these kids? How do I provide for all of their needs?

   Because of so many of you I haven't had to do it all on my own. I have been able to be there for my kids the way they've needed me. I've seen light come back into their eyes and smiles come back to their faces. As I type this I can't help but cry because as a mother you have no idea what it means to me that I have been able to be the one to comfort them. They are healing and I believe they are finally ready to let go of me a little more. 

   Last week I had $2 in my wallet and about $20 in my bank account. I had just told my sister to go ahead and pawn my wedding ring. The mail came and I received a sweet note from an anonymous reader of this blog and a very generous donation via cashier's check. I immediately fell to my knees in prayer and sobbed with gratitude.  I want that person to know that I will keep that note forever! Because of that donation I will be able to afford a certification class that I needed in order to pursue my career as a nurse. I will be able to buy my kids coats for the winter. My heart is forever touched by that act of kindness. I vowed to myself that day that I will do the same thing for someone else one day. 

   I often drive up to a spot at night where I can see the whole valley and all of the city lights. When I'm there I turn off the car and just think and ponder on all of the ways God has directed my life. I can see His hand so clearly in my life. Every single thing that didn't work out was for a reason. There have been little signs pointing me in a certain direction almost daily. I sit and I think about the way God has answered my prayers through all of you. I feel so small in a big and beautiful world and I can see so much opportunity and goodness in my future. My life is hard but it is unfolding so beautifully. I am doing things I never thought I was capable of doing. I am growing and evolving. I am learning to be more compassionate and in the process I am finding my passion. None of this would be possible without the incredible people who've helped me along the way! We are truly here to serve and help each other along. I feel so very blessed and fortunate that as I've done my best and still fallen short that my prayers have been heard and answered by so many of you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mine is a gratitude that will last through the eternities. 


This song came to my mind while thinking about all of those who have helped me. It is my hope and deepest wish to help others the way I have been helped. Because of the compassion I've been shown my heart has been changed. I feel a deep need inside of me to help others. How can I be a heart in the right place? How can I make someone's day a little brighter? As we turn to the Savior I know he will direct us to those who are in need. I have made a very good friend during this process who has simply listened to the promptings of the spirit and following those promptings led our paths to cross. To make a long story short because of this friendship things have come about that have helped me to forgive Nic and I have gained more confidence in who I am and my life moving forward. There is no way this person could have become my friend without listening to the spirit. There are no coincidences! Align yourself spiritually and listen to those promptings that come to you and you can be a heart in the right place. There is someone you can help "not too far from here". 

"Not Too Far From Here"

Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest, while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds, the road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
(Not too far)
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Now I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To every needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Someone is waiting
(Waiting)
Not too far from here

Crossing the Ocean

All summer long I have looked for a job to no avail. I'd submitted application after application and landed some interviews only for them to offer the job to someone more qualified. I'd even been offered a couple of jobs but I couldn't make the schedule work with school and my kids. Things just weren't lining up right. About a month ago I was driving home from yet another job interview and was reflecting on how I thought it went. They loved me and I was pretty confident I was going to get offered the job. (I was offered the job). I had no reason to doubt and I was feeling content. As I was driving the distinct thought, "Utah" popped into my mind. Just Utah by itself. I knew exactly what it meant. My mom lives in Utah and has a basement apartment. It was always a backup option for me but I was determined to not use it. I pushed the thought aside and didn't give it anymore time. A couple of weeks after that my sister and I were talking casually as we laid out in the sun and watched the kids swim and she mentioned something about Utah. What was this? Quit it! I didn't want to move to Utah! My kids lives were here in Idaho. My life was here in Idaho. Again I refused to accept that as an answer for me.
  It took a couple more weeks for me to hit reality square in the face of what Heavenly Father not only wanted me to do but needed me to do. It became quite clear that I COULD NOT under any circumstance provide for my little family up here in Idaho. Things I had hoped would pan out didn't and I found myself with no other choice it seemed. I called up my brother Bryon and had him come over and consult with me. I wanted to double check my reasoning and make sure I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't missing anything. He came over and confirmed what I had already thought and gave me another priesthood blessing. I was devastated at just the idea of moving! I couldn't imagine leaving behind all of the people who had been such a support to me through such a difficult time. I got in my car and took the kids for a drive around the lake so I could think. I had the music playing in the background and a song came on the radio that changed things for me.

          "Home" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

   As I listened to the lyrics I knew Utah would become home to my little family. I had flashbacks to when I had lived there before and there was something comforting about going back. The movie "Hope Floats" came to my mind and I just knew Utah was where my little family was supposed to start over. In that moment I did feel like I was coming full circle and returning home to my roots.

   As with any major decision I wanted to be 100% sure it was what Heavenly Father wanted. (Even though He had made it pretty clear). I told Heavenly Father what I had decided and I fasted that if for some reason I was supposed to stay in Idaho it would be made known to me. I made arrangements to attend the temple as soon as I could. A couple of days later I sat in the Celestial room pondering and praying for confirmation. I kept asking, "Am I supposed to go to Utah?" A mother and her young son were hugging and tenderly conversing and it caught my eye. He had gone through the temple for the first time that day and their joy was obvious. My question suddenly changed. "Where do I have to go and what to I have to do to get my kids to be in the Celestial room with me?" Bingo! The answers came flooding! Some of the answers I heard are too sacred to share publicly but basically what I heard was, "Utah, go to Utah".  The words "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord" came into my mind and I knew I needed to submit my will to His once more. Faith, trust, and hope filled my heart as I promised to Him that I would obey and move to Utah.

   So after 10 years away, to the month, I am making plans to return home to Utah. My pride has been swallowed and it has been a bittersweet decision. I have had the support of ALL of my family and friends including the kids dad. There are absolutely no words adequate enough to say how I feel about all of the wonderful people I have met and who have been a part of our daily lives during these ten years in Idaho. My ward family, my young women, my friends, Nic's friends, and all of our family. I have been beyond blessed with wonderful people to surround me in Idaho! My life is forever changed because of each and every one of them!

   Honestly I'm scared as hell sometimes! Moving four little ones as a single mom is a daunting task! Helping them adjust to a new life while trying to do the same makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out. Not seeing all the same faces that I know and trust so regularly breaks my heart. How am I possibly going to do this? Then I remember that Heavenly Father told me to do it. When has he ever led me wrong? When has he ever left me alone? Never! He hasn't, not once! Change is crazy hard. I have been pinning quotes on Pinterest like it is going out of style, trying to keep positive thoughts flowing about this change. There is much to be excited about!  I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting in a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. This change is necessary. How am I ever going to grow and claim all of the blessings He has to offer me if I live in fear? If I never take this chance to follow His path for me who knows what I'll miss? This is my chance to be brave. My chance to be fearless. I'm silencing my fears and my negative thoughts and I'm embracing the future!

   

 
  This will not be the end Idaho peeps! Idaho will always have a special place in my heart and I love each and every one of you! Thank you, thank you ,thank you for all of the love you've extended to my family over the years!

I Forgive You

   I filed for divorce in February and a little over six months later I am still married. Our divorce has been an ugly process. We have continually debated back and forth about what was fair. I felt like I wasn't the one that made the mistake and I had all four kids to take care of alone so I should get everything. I had quite a few people, my lawyer included, who believed the same. This was, after all, a case of abuse. Every single time I would suggest something and Nic would turn it down I would get so hurt. "Why can't he just see he's wrong and make amends by letting me have what I want?" I felt like I had forgiven him or at least made good progress but he simply wouldn't let me go. Hearing after hearing, week after week it continued. That was a good majority of the reason I was so emotionally exhausted last week. I wanted it to be done and behind me. I felt trapped.
   Last week after a few different conversations with a few different people I began to question the sincerity of the forgiveness I thought I had for Nic. I had told anybody who would listen that I wanted Nic to repent and redeem himself but did I? Did I forgive him if his repenting meant he'd be an active part of the kids life someday? Did I really want him around? When I was really honest with myself I didn't. I was still angry. I didn't even realize how angry I was. I felt like because I wasn't bashing him and speaking ill of him that I must not be angry, right? Wrong. Truth be told I was only willing to forgive him if he did things exactly the way I thought he should. Even then I wanted him to just set us free. He had lost his right to be a part of our lives, in my opinion, the moment he made the choice to abuse our daughter. I wanted him to go away and just let us be happy. Is that really forgiveness? Am I his judge? Do I get to say when he is or isn't repentant? These things all went through my mind last week.
   Flash forward to this morning. I was getting ready and a Kelly Clarkson song came on titled, "Already Gone".

              "Already Gone"

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ah already gone, already gone, already gone
Ah already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

 I had skipped this song every time it played in the past. It used to bug me that it said, "you couldn't have loved me better". I would get upset and think that's a lie he could've. This time I decided to listen to it. It wasn't long before my heart started softening and I began to connect with the lyrics. I didn't want us to burn out. I was sick of hurting him. I can't make it feel right because I know it's wrong. I was and am already gone. Then a flood of good memories of Nic came to my mind all at once. In those good memories he really couldn't have loved me better. The next thing I knew my anger was gone. Poof! In it's place was compassion. He did make his bed. He was wrong but it didn't matter. I felt compassion for him all the same. All of the hurtful things, even the abuse didn't excuse me from really forgiving him. For so long I was caught up on what was fair when it didn't even matter. Nothing about this was fair! It wasn't about being fair. It was about forgiveness and compassion. The best part was that it was a peaceful feeling. I was moved and touched but I didn't cry and sob over the pain or the loss. My eyes welled a little but only with gratitude to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for lifting this burden off of me. One more time in my life in ,perhaps, an even more powerful way I have learned that THE ATONEMENT IS REAL!
  I felt an urgency to talk to Nic. To tell him how I felt so we could make amends and move on. I called his mom and asked her if next time she talked to Nic she would tell him to call me. She agreed and we talked on the phone for quite a while about forgiveness. Finally she just invited me to come over. We made plans to go to the library and do some shopping. I loaded the kids up and headed that direction. When I got there she immediately handed me the phone. Was there even a question who it was? Heavenly Father, working His magic again, had orchestrated the timing so perfectly. She couldn't call him but it just so happened that Nic called at that exact moment. I was excited to tell him that I forgave him not even knowing how the rest of the divorce would go or how he felt. I told him I forgave him and that I was sorry that we wasted so much time and money in court. I told him I hoped he would get better and repent and I meant it with all of my heart. I told him I loved him but I couldn't love him romantically and hadn't for a long time. I loved him as a child of God. I loved him as the father of my children. I loved him as a piece of my life that made me who I am. I told him I needed to protect the kids first and foremost and that creating our new life was my priority and had to be now. He cried. He too was sorry. He had been praying for us and he was beyond grateful that I had forgiven him. He backed me up 100% as a mother and supported all the decisions I needed to make. We both felt so much peace from that conversation and felt united that this was what was best for the kids.
  Not long after that I got a phone call from my lawyer. He had sent me a copy of Nic's response to my most recent proposition for the divorce. Last week before talking to me Nic had agreed to all of my terms except one. On that one term he came back with an idea that was even better for the kids. His response reflected that of someone who was sorry. Actions and words were aligned. Of course I agreed to the terms and the divorce is on it's way to being finalized.
  I feel so blessed! How fortunate I am that my marriage is ending on this note. A week ago I would've thrown a party and been so excited to be done with it simply because I was free of Nic. Today I am humbled. My attitude has changed. I am still grateful to be able to move on and create my new life. This is right. We aren't supposed to be together. I don't love him the way a wife should. There is somebody else out there for me. However, today I feel grateful that we care about each other enough to let each other go. We are allowing each other to be happy. We have made the choice to do what's best for our children. There is so much peace that comes with that decision.
   Nic did some horrible things (I wasn't perfect either) and I don't know what he'll choose for his future. I don't know if he really will continue down this path of repentance. What I do know is that today I found forgiveness without even knowing what would happen with the divorce. Today I realized forgiveness has no strings attached. It's not really forgiveness if it's predicated on them fulfilling certain expectations. Forgiveness has no expectations. I was fortunate enough that it worked out well for me but I wasn't expecting it to when I forgave him. Forgiveness is a gift, a tender mercy. I call it a tender mercy because it really was. I couldn't force it to happen, believe me I tried. It just came. I don't know why it happened the way it did for me but I do know that my entire day was orchestrated around forgiveness. Heavenly Father's hand guided my day and again I'm even more sure that He is in control of my life as I submit myself to His will.
   Most of you know I have been reading Jesus the Christ and as I've been reading about Christ's final days of His life I have been overwhelmed with His ability to love and forgive those that have persecuted him. When the Roman soldiers came to arrest Him in Gethsemane Peter smote one of them on the ear with a sword. Peter's actions were in defense of His beloved Savior. I can honestly relate to that instinct to protect those I love. Would we not all feel a desire to protect our innocent loved one from evil? In response Christ steps forward and heals his ear then rebukes Peter, "all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be? The cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?" Christ not only forgives this Roman soldier for coming to take Him to His death but He goes a step further and heals his ear.
   Again this is but one example of many that illustrates perfect love and forgiveness. Christ was the ultimate example of forgiveness! Withholding true forgiveness was like Peter taking the sword. It was a choice on my part to fight instead of submitting to the will of the Father. We have been commanded to forgive all men, was I exempt from this commandment? Surely I can try to follow the Savior's example and show some compassion after forgiveness. The Savior's example teaches that the two virtues go hand in hand.
  With all of this being said; forgiveness is a process. It doesn't come as quickly to some as it does to others. Be patient with yourself and realize it takes time. How much time is not always our choice. Keep praying for forgiveness. Study forgiveness. Study the Savior's life and one day the atonement will take the pain and the anger away from you.

Not Strong Enough to Fight

    Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I dish out advice on this blog like I've conquered all of my trials and challenges. The truth is I haven't ; I have failed miserably some days. This last week I had a couple of days that were particularly challenging. I broke down. I was flat out beat up and exhausted. Where was all of this so called inner strength I had blogged about? I had nothing left. Nothing. I couldn't figure it out. I have endured, I have been faithful, I have been positive, why can't I catch a break? So as I usually do when I'm depleted I knelt in prayer. "Here I am Lord completely at your mercy. What is it I'm supposed to do? I'm empty, I have nothing left. I'm beat down and 100% exhausted!" At this point I was no longer kneeling and I was lying on my closet floor sobbing. The fatigue I felt was not physical. I was spiritually and emotionally drained. I lay there for quite a while until my sobs became silent tears. Eventually I got up and got ready for bed feeling numb. I didn't feel immediately better. I felt about the same. Empty. The next morning I woke up and felt a little better but I was still far from chipper. As I went about my day little things kept happening and slowly I found myself gaining strength. One positive thought turned into another and by the end of the day I felt rejuvenated. The thing about that day is I didn't do anything spectacular and still I found strength. So what was it that strengthened me? What recharged me when I was completely dead? A friend of mine said something profound to me, "True strength does not come from us. It comes from the atonement. The strength to forgive, the strength to pray, the strength to drag yourself to the temple one more time, the strength to dry your eyes one more day. Strength comes from the Lord." That stuck with me all day. I began to feel so much gratitude for the Savior and the atonement. The gratitude I felt led to a positive thought, "I can do this day and this challenge because of the atonement". One positive thought led to another and optimism and hope entered my heart once more.
     Since that day I have thought about happiness and hope. It wasn't long ago that I defined my happiness by a great vacation or new furniture. I lived from one thing to the next, always counting down the days until the next exciting thing would happen that would make me happy. One thing I've learned this year as I've lost so much is that happiness really doesn't come from those things. They can be fun and exciting, however, happiness is something entirely different. When you lose so much you learn that true happiness comes from acceptance and gratitude. Nobody can take my happiness away from me. My happiness stems from my testimony. Knowing who I am and Whose I am is where my happiness lies. When life is tough and I can't find it in me to fight any more I need to realize that it's not about fighting. It's about accepting the Lord's will for my life and turning it over to Him. It's about realizing that He has a plan for me and I don't have the same eternal perspective as He does. He knows things I don't.  Then I need to be grateful for that plan He has for me and what I do have. I have so many things to be grateful for! When I redefine my happiness by my divine identity as His child then it is hard to be unhappy.
   I am so completely aware of my dependency on the Lord for everything. Without Him I would be nothing. Plain and simple. I am weak. I am human. I have to be reminded of the same things over and over again. I will have a down day again where I feel empty. I will temporarily forget these things I've learned. The good news is Heavenly Father is the most patient parent. He always finds a way to lovingly remind me of my worth. He always lovingly reminds me that the atonement is there. I was never meant to do this alone. He knew I couldn't. He reminds me that He provided a Savior for me so that I could overcome these obstacles. I sobbed on that closet floor saying, "I just can't". Throughout the following day He found little ways to tell me that I can because of His Son.
   Even with this knowledge it is still not easy. Everyday I make a conscience choice to embrace the atonement. To embrace the atonement is to embrace happiness. Everyday I choose to change my thought patterns to reflect optimism and hope. I have negative thoughts all the time!! The difference is I try my best to not entertain them. Obviously I have bad days when I fail to correct those negative thoughts. The atonement brings a new day with new thoughts and new strength.
   If you find yourself saying you "just can't" please don't give up! Believe me, I've been there! I know that place all too well! You don't have to be strong enough to fight you just have to be humble enough to accept the atonement.