Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

Relationship Status: Divorced

   I am officially divorced. I thought it might feel different. I thought I might feel embarrassed, ashamed, sad, maybe even excited or liberated. I don't really feel any of those things. Mostly I feel grateful. I have been blessed to have Nic in my life. It wasn't always easy, in fact it was pretty hard most of the time. He has obviously made some pretty big mistakes and I've had my share of mistakes as well, although not as obvious. Despite the difficulty of our marriage I still feel lucky. I have four beautiful kids as a result, how could I not feel lucky? We had some good times and made some great memories that I'll never forget. I mainly feel fortunate because of the note we ended our marriage on. Now that might sound strange to most of you since he ended up in prison for abusing our daughter. I will admit it was really ugly for a long time. I was angry, he was defensive and seemed to lack true remorse. The day that I forgave Nic is the day all of that changed. Heavenly Father has worked His magic on our relationship through the healing powers of Christ's atoning sacrifice.

   About a week after Nic and I had our talk about forgiveness he called me again. We talked for quite a while about the books he was reading, the things he was learning from the scriptures, how the kids were doing, and some logistics. Towards the end of the conversation Nic asked me a question, "Are you dating anyone?" To which I responded with some shock, "No, we're still married. I made covenants." I was confused as to why he would even ask me that. Then he said something that brought healing to my heart. "Well when the time comes I hope you find someone who treats you better than I ever did. I know you will be smart and find someone who will love our kids." It blew me away that those words had come out of his mouth. I had been nervous that when I started dating again that he would give me a hard time. Instead he basically gave me his blessing to move on. Now let me be clear; I know I never needed his blessing. I wasn't holding out for it or looking for his permission but the fact that he was mature enough to let me go without anymore fighting meant a lot. It will be so much easier for me and the kids to move on with our lives. 

  Another time we were talking on the phone and I asked him a question that had been nagging me in the back of my mind for months. I said, "Nic I know what you did was not my fault or anyone else's but I have to know is there something I could have done differently to have helped you more effectively? What could I have done better? Could I have done anything that might have prevented the abuse? As I move forward I want to better understand my complicity to the downfall of our marriage." Nic began to cry and with thick emotion in his voice he replied, "I can't believe you are even asking me this. It hurts that you even have those thoughts. Nothing you did was wrong. It was all me. I was the one who wasn't doing the things I needed to. I was the one who wasn't listening to the spirit. I was the one who kept making bad choices. You couldn't have done anything better."  I know I wasn't perfect but I was so relieved to know that I wasn't a failure at marriage. Through these conversations I have gained closure. I realize not everybody gets that which is why I feel so fortunate. 

   Nic and I don't talk often. I have probably only spoken to him four times. One day I got off of the phone with him and my mom looked at me with some concern on her face. "Does talking to Nic reel you back in?" I can honestly say it doesn't. The best thing about all of this is I feel 100% neutral. We talk and after hanging up I feel like I have just had a pleasant conversation with a friend. I don't feel any romantic feelings whatsoever or any anger whatsoever. I feel completely unaffected. It is a wonderful, amazing thing! I see it as a blessing for our kids. I hope the peace I feel can be carried over to my kids and that they will be able to forgive and have peace in their hearts. I hope Nic stays on this path of remorse and humility that he's on right now. 

   I will always be cautious and on guard with Nic because of the abuse. He will not be fully trusted but I do think there is some hope for him or what is the atonement for?

   I have closed the last chapter of a good book. This book made me laugh and it made me cry. It was both tender and heartbreaking. There were a lot of obstacles and challenges in the plot but in the end there was peace and closure. Now it is time for me to start a new book in the series. I am excited to see where my life goes! I feel so much more confident and comfortable in my skin. I have learned so many things about myself. I am hopeful for a love story that doesn't end. 

   I know that everyone's experiences are different. For me personally, I am absolutely confident that Heavenly Father has completely directed my life these last ten months. I have NEVER been alone. I have struggled a lot and at times I have felt very alone but in hindsight I never was. I have seen so many miracles and tender mercies. I know what compassion is. What it really is. I feel like the Heaven's have been opened and blessings have just poured down on my little family. I am so grateful for prayer and my personal relationship with God! My life would have taken a very different turn without a personal relationship with Him. I know that if we will just let Him in we will be blessed beyond measure even while facing the most difficult challenges in life! It is because of the atonement that I have found joy again. It is because of the atonement that my marriage ended without any tears shed on that final day. It is because of the atonement that I can reflect on our marriage and intellectually realize how painful it was but feel no pain. It is because of the atonement that I can reflect on our marriage and smile at the good times. It is because of the atonement that I feel hopeful and grateful for where I am at in my life right now, at this very moment. It is because of the atonement that I am confident about my future no matter what it brings. 

    

  

   

                                     

I've been waiting for you!

    The end of a relationship can be scary and confusing especially if that relationship ended unexpectedly. I continued to go to the counselor at LDS services for a few months without Nic. I had already decided there was no hope for the marriage but there were so many conflicting, lingering feelings. I often felt so lost and confused but once I started talking to my counselor he helped me see that I already knew the answers. He was a great listener and it was life saving to have someone neutral with no personal investment to hash it out with. One of my biggest fears that we addressed was how to avoid getting in a toxic relationship again. I had been very deeply hurt and my wounds were still so raw. I was TERRIFIED of relationships. I didn't want one ever again! I was fully prepared to focus on my schooling and advance myself in the career of my choice and be completely content to devote all of my free time to my kids. After a few sessions of talking about this topic finally my counselor just came out with it, he gently said, "Is that really what you want? One day you could be very happy in a relationship. Relationships are hard but they aren't usually as hard as yours was." The wall I had been building up came crashing down and tears streamed down my face, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so forgiving and nonjudgmental that I don't usually view someone's past as red flags or warning signs. Everyone has a past so how do I know they are sincerely a good person?" What he said next is something I will not forget when the time comes for me to date. He said, "It's true that everyone has a past. What matters is that you pay attention to who he is now and his motives. Is he still in the process of figuring out who he is or does he know who he is? Is he going to church more now because of you or has he been going consistently for a block of time before you? He should have a desire in him to be better than he was yesterday before you even enter the picture." I found this to be pretty sound advice. It seemed to just click with me deep down. It's such a simple concept I had heard before but my fear had completely clouded my ability to understand it as it applied to me.
   I left that session that day with hope for my future. For the first time since I received the awful news in January I began to believe I could have another relationship again and this time it would be better. For the first time in months I began to trust myself and my judgment. Most importantly I began to realize that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and shutting down in fear and bitterness was not in the blueprints. I began to heal that day.
  Here I am months later and I just attended the temple yesterday and as I sat in the Celestial room I was reminded again that Heavenly Father is directing my paths. I received many deeply personal and sacred revelations as I meditated there with a prayer in my heart. The veil felt very thin and it was almost as if I could see my life unfolding. There are no words adequate enough to describe the love one can feel from Heavenly Father in the temple.
   If you have been hurt it is so scary to let those walls down. Trust me I know. I also know I wasn't really happy being cynical. My life was being run by my fear. Thankfully, because I had a good counselor, it didn't take me too long to realize that wasn't a way to live. Marriage is tough but it was always meant to be a blessing to us. Since Adam and Eve it was always intended to enrich our lives and help us obtain eternal salvation. We were never meant to go through life alone. Let down your walls! Be brave and fearless and let God's wisdom direct you in the relationships you choose. Personal prayer and revelation can and should guide you to make wise decisions provided you are obedient to the revelations you receive. Old habits sometimes make me doubt how much I deserve a happy relationship. "Is it really possible for me? What do I have to offer that is so special?" Those thoughts come from Satan! Whenever I kneel in prayer or attend the temple those thoughts dissipate as quickly as they formed. Heavenly Father always reminds me of my worth and what I have to offer and what a relationship has to offer me. Satan wants us to be miserable. He wants us to be alone and bitter. Don't let him in! You are a child of God with unique and divine attributes and you are worth loving! I have seen far too many people get out of a bad relationship with little to no self esteem left. Be proud of who you are because of where you came from. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND YOU DESERVE ALL OF THE BLESSINGS HEAVENLY FATHER HAS TO OFFER SO CLAIM THEM! I realize that His timing is different than our timing. Sometimes we have to wait much longer than we have wanted but don't allow a bad attitude to hide the opportunities that He may be trying to present to you.
    I don't know His timing for me. I could be single until I'm sixty. What I do know is that at some point, whether in this life or the next, I will have the opportunity to find my forever sweetheart. When that opportunity comes I'm not going to let depression and fear keep me from jumping in with both feet exclaiming, "I've been waiting for you!"
 

Covenant Keeping Men

  Four years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Everything went well during the delivery and Nic and I were overjoyed to have a third addition to our little family. Later that night, well past midnight I woke up with a weird sensation ; I felt like I was swimming. I opened my eyes only to discover that there was blood everywhere. The entire bed was soaked and the base of the hospital bed was surrounded in blood. Even more alarming the blood was coming from me!!! I tried to wake Nic up and was yelling as loudly as I dared since it was the middle of the night. (In retrospect I don't know why I was concerned about being quiet. Apparently I have good manners even when I'm in grave danger). When he didn't hear me I threw one of my pillows at him. (On second thought, about the manners...) He finally woke up and when he sat up I saw his eyes go wide with fear. He quickly ran out into the hall and notified the nurses. Why didn't I think of notifying the nurses? Hello! I had a button right on my bed! A nurse came in and when she saw the state of the room she realized she was going to need some help. She literally ran out of the room. "Nic, I need you to give me a blessing!" While we were waiting for the nurse to get back he performed a priesthood blessing right then and there. The nurse came back with another nurse and immediately they got to work. I had hemorrhaged. I was given a medication in my IV, a pill, and a shot in my thigh to stop the bleeding. They had bright lights shining down on me as they worked to get rid of my clots. By that point all of my pain medication had worn off and my uterus had taken a beating. I don't know if I've ever experienced more pain physically than I did that night. I kept looking up at the lights and then over to the clock. If I looked at the nurses faces it scared me. They looked so fearful and intense. I could see urgency all over their faces. It was like an out of body experience. I kept looking at that clock thinking I'm going to die. I wasn't panicked about it at all. I had come to peace with it and I said a little prayer that Nic and the kids would be okay. I'm not sure why I thought I was going to die given even if it did get worse I would have had surgery and more than likely it would have been successful. They took my vitals pretty frequently and they were amazed that my blood pressure wasn't that low. One of the nurses kept asking me, "Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy at all?" I didn't. Not even a little bit. Later I was told that had my vital signs not been so good they would've done emergency surgery. After what seemed like hours they finally got it under control and told me I needed to sleep. I wanted my baby so I had them bring him back in. That whole time they worked on me I didn't shed a single tear even though it hurt so badly. When they left and I was sure Nic had fallen sound asleep I finally began to silently cry onto my pillow. I cried for quite a while and then I painfully rolled over and saw my beautiful baby boy in his hospital bassinet right next to me. I looked at that sweet boy and suddenly I didn't care how scary that experience had been or how much I was hurting. I saw his tiny chest moving up and down and I thought ,"It was all worth it. I would do it all over again to have you."
     I was intending to write this about gratitude for priesthood holders but as I wrote that last sentence a thought came to me. Sometimes we go through really hard stuff. The worst pain we have ever experienced. We might even think we can't do it anymore or , as in my situation, that we're going to die. The pain can be brutal and unbearable physically and/or emotionally. The truth is at the end of that pain just when we finally break down and are about to give up something happens that makes it worth it. And if it's not worth it in this life it WILL be worth it in the next life! The thought that came specifically to me as I wrote that sentence was that I have been through hell and back. I have wanted to give up. I have thought about compromising my values at times just for a little relief. My kids have suffered in ways that no child should even have to suffer. However, maybe, just maybe, this will all be worth it in the end. If not in this life then surely in the next! I have said before that I know Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I just have never thought about the pain we've gone through as being a path to something better. Something that makes it all worth it. Something that needed to happen.
   Back to the priesthood. Nic was able to give me a priesthood blessing that night, although, it was not anointed it was a huge source of comfort and strength to me. Later as I was reading my patriarchal blessing I realized I had been blessed to be "sustained during childbirth". I don't think that was a coincidence. I have reflected a lot on that night because it was so traumatic and wonderful all at once. I feel so grateful for the priesthood! I'm grateful for the patriarch that gave me that blessing and his faithfulness. I'm grateful that I was able to receive a priesthood blessing that night. Now I don't know if Nic was worthy at that time or not to give me a priesthood blessing. Fortunately for me the blessing was predicated upon my faithfulness not his.
   This spring I was very eager for General Conference to arrive. I desperately craved some guidance and words of wisdom. I couldn't wait to hear from our prophet! I felt like I needed conference more than ever. I missed the Saturday morning session because one of my kids had a commitment they had to attend. My sister had seen it before me and she was a little concerned that one of the talks would be difficult for me to listen to given what I had just been through. The talk was "We'll Ascend Together " by Sister Linda K. Burton. Later that night after I got the kids to bed I sat down to watch that session I had missed. I was nervous when I saw that it was Sister Burton's turn. Not too far into her talk she said:

         "Many are hurting because of neglect, abuse, addictions, and

           incorrect traditions and culture."

  That grabbed my attention!! I suddenly felt like I had been pierced to the heart and I knew I needed to listen to this whole talk. I had been hurting because of neglect, abuse, and addictions! I bawled like a baby through that entire talk. I mean audibly sobbed. It wasn't for the reason you might think. The talk didn't turn out to be about suffering from abuse. I sobbed because she went on to praise the priesthood holders in her life. As she did so I couldn't control the tears. Having lost what I thought was a righteous priesthood holder I knew how special they really are. I bawled because I felt completely aligned in my heart with every word she said. We often talk about the divinity of women but I could see a neglect for some of the men in my life. Surely there are few things more powerful than a righteous priesthood holder!

        "It must be difficult, at best, for covenant men to live in a world that not

         only demeans their divine roles and responsibilities but also sends false

         messages about what it means to be a 'real man.' One false message is

         'It's all about me.' On the other end of the scale is the degrading and

         mocking message that husbands and fathers are no longer needed.

I plead with you not to listen to Satan's lies!"

 

  I cried as I tried to think about it from a man's perspective. They are needed! Did I make Nic feel needed and important enough? Did I value him when he was doing praiseworthy things? Now that I am trying to play the role of both mother and father I see even clearer how vital a good father is to the home! It is so critical that we are patient and loving with the men in our lives. We need to be aware of all of the things they do, not focus on all of the things they don't do. I know I often had a "honey do" list a mile long and I would get so impatient when I didn't think Nic was helping me enough or getting to it quickly enough. How I regret the way I went about seeking assistance from him! I have seen many scenarios where the wife is picking at her husband. It really saddens me. It saddens me to think that I did that.

  My hope is that we, as women, can be more appreciative of the worthy priesthood holders in our lives. Men and women are equal. One is not above the other. I am not suggesting we diminish our own divine identity as we elevate theirs. I am simply suggesting that we pause and think a minute about the blessings these men are in our lives. If you are lucky enough to be married to such a man count your blessings! Tell him how much you love him and respect him. Even better show him through your actions! If he really is exemplifying the priesthood he holds then he will show you in return how much he appreciates and love you. Don't let him feel unwanted or unnecessary. As Sister Burton illustrated in her talk; we should ascend together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Stronger. Braver. Fearless. (my words)

  I knew for quite a while something was off with Nic. Back in December before he was caught things got so bad at home that I went to see our bishop and discuss our marital problems with him. I told him I didn't know what to do about Nic. I was highly concerned with some of his behavior and for the first time in our marriage I was seriously considering divorce. I told myself I would calmly discuss the situation with the bishop and that I would not cry. The first sentence that came out of my mouth I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. There are no words to describe the pain I felt at that moment. To voice it out loud was devastating.
   Everyone knows Nic sexually abused our daughter but what most people don't know is that as a side effect of such horrible behaviors he also emotionally and verbally abused all of us. I'm really struggling to speak up about this because I want to be classy and take the high road. I don't want to sound bitter or attack Nic. He has a lot of great qualities but Satan got a hold of him. Nic took it out on me and the kids because we were the closest to him. We often hurt those we love the most more. There's a level of comfort with those close relationships so we feel like we can be and say whatever. I decided to speak up because keeping it a secret makes me feel like a victim. I'm still protecting him. I've decided there's a difference between being tastefully honest and being bitter. This will never be a blog where I tell you all of the details of every fight we had. This will never be a blog about how much I hate Nic because I don't. I'm speaking up to hopefully help other women or men who still feel victimized or who don't even realize that what's happening in their relationship is not okay.
   I didn't even realize I was being abused until after Nic got caught abusing our daughter. I went into our local Family Justice Center (which is a great resource) for a routine checkup. There was some information on counseling available and one of the employees really helped me figure things out. She listened to me and helped me problem solve what my next steps should be. She gave me some graphs and charts about abuse that listed common scenarios in abusive relationships. It was standard procedure to give it to everybody so I tucked it away in my folder and dismissed it, after all this was about our daughter. Later that night I pulled it out and was shocked to discover that my relationship with Nic fit perfectly into the abuse cycle. Tears streamed down my face as page after page I identified with the information provided. It all started fitting together and I could see so clearly a pattern of abuse. How did I not see it before? I had thought it was "normal" fighting. The truth is there was nothing normal about it. Yes couples fight but what we went through was beyond that.
  From the outside we looked happy. Even most of our closest friends and family had no clue what was really going on behind closed doors. Nic was charming. He was hilarious. I adored him when we were out with friends. We were flirtatious with each other and would have witty banter back and forth. Going out with Nic was a blast! Home was a different story. Because of the things Nic was engaging in he was depressed and when we got home and he was really comfortable he would become a different person. I think he hated himself for what he was doing and didn't know how to stop it so he was awful at times with me and the kids instead of facing his issues. Again, some of this might seem normal to you and some of it is. I can't illustrate how it was so different with us without telling detailed stories and I'm not sure I want to go there. Just trust me when I say it was not good at home. I can't tell you the hours I spent on my knees pleading for his heart to be softened. Praying that if I was missing something, if I was in the wrong that I could figure it out and be better. Why did I stay so long? The answer is simple: our kids. I had come from a family where divorce was no stranger. I knew full well the repercussions divorce could have on kids. And honestly I still loved Nic. Like I said before I'm very forgiving and I can't stay mad for very long.
  After the truth came out and Nic was removed from the home there was an odd feeling of freedom that came with all the despair. For the first time I knew the truth. I knew why he was acting the way he was. I knew it wasn't my fault, I wasn't crazy. This wasn't something I had built up in my head. The first night I was left alone with my kids we all piled on my bed and I could feel a difference in my home. The spirit was there. It is so strange but despite all of the agony I felt those first few days I also felt relief.
   Even still to this day I struggle to overcome some of the wounds from the emotional abuse. I had a panic attack after I started this blog. "What if Nic finds out?"  After writing my first post I texted a few close friends a rough draft and said, "do I dare publish it?" When I hit that publish button I sobbed for a good twenty minutes. I was so overcome with emotion. I was terrified but mostly I felt liberated. This was my life and I was taking control. I wasn't going to operate from a place of fear anymore. Which brings me to how I got the name of this blog.
  My mom was one of the few people I confided in. She knew our marriage was no picnic. She was someone I trusted because I knew she would be objective. She would tell me if I was wrong and she had a way of getting through to Nic. She loved and still loves Nic. He respected and valued her opinion. When everything hit the fan she knew I needed something to help me be strong. My bedroom was covered in everything Nic. He wanted orange in our room so I got an orange bedspread. Our initials were hanging above the bed. Engagement and wedding pictures were everywhere. She helped me take down the pictures and she said, "You need something in here that makes you feel powerful. When you wake up in the morning you need to be surrounded by colors and things that make you feel happy and strong. I want you to think about some power words that you think will help you to be all that you can be." I thought about it for a few days and came up with stronger, braver, fearless. These words are my words. I will never be in an unhealthy relationship like that again.

I am STRONGER because I know who I am and what I'm capable of.
I am BRAVER because I have looked horribly hard things in the face and done them anyway.
 I am FEARLESS because I know I can do anything with Heavenly Father's help.
I have dug down inside of myself and found my inner strength and there is no stopping me from reaching my potential. Yes I will have some setbacks and lose a battle or two but I will come away the victor because I know the power that it the Atonement. I will win the war!!! I am braver, stronger, and fearless because of my Savior!! He makes me brave. He makes me strong. He makes me fearless.

   I told my mom my words and the rest is history. She helped me redecorate my room and transform it to my room.  I had my friend Tory help me cut out the words in vinyl and I arranged them in frames above my bed. Every single time I see those words or I use them in a hashtag I believe in myself a little more. I have literally had moments when I have been trying to get ready for court and I can't stop crying and then I see those words above my bed and I become them. The colors that I chose were purple and red. Red is such a powerful, cheery color and the purple reminds me of royalty and my divine identity as a Daughter of God.
   If you suspect you might be a victim of abuse or an abuser I encourage you to get help. I cannot say enough that I know that Heavenly Father loves you no matter who you are or what you've done. Don't sell yourself short. Abuse of any kind is NEVER the answer. I often hear how amazing I am for the way I've handled a bad situation. People tell me they don't think they would be this strong. The truth is I am no better than you. If I can do it so can you. You have the same divinity in you that I have in me. All you need to know to be this strong is that you are a Child of God and He will never leave you alone if you ask for His help. You will have weak moments and lose some battles but you can win the war. Everyone is capable of being braver, stronger, and fearless!



                                     It's hard to read the words in this picture. I'll have to take a better one.

 

                                The way it was when it was our room.
  

                               One of the walls in our bedroom.

 

You can find some of the charts about abuse at domesticviolence.org. I would encourage you to look them over and familiarize yourself with them.  I want to reiterate that I am not sharing these things looking for sympathy or to paint myself as this wounded victim that was always perfect in the marriage. Yes I was a victim but I have always found happiness throughout my life despite my struggles. I am choosing to not be a victim anymore. Neither am I sharing these things to dump on Nic and paint him as an awful person. Some of the things he did were awful but I know that's never who he wanted to be. I am sharing these things because abuse is more common than we think. If what I've been through can help put a stop to abuse anywhere than I'm glad I shared. Never look the other way if you suspect someone is being abused even if you suspect that someone is you.  

 

 

Love and Fireworks.

       I've thought a lot about marriage and falling in love today. I think it's because when I was fifteen I started falling in love with someone for the first time while watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July. One of the best dates Nic and I ever had was on the Fourth of July at the Oregon Coast. I guess you could say the Fourth of July has been good to me in the love department thus far. There are many other reasons why it's one of my favorite holidays that have nothing to do with love. For one thing it's my Grandma's birthday. I'm also very patriotic. However, today I felt nostalgic. Those memories of summertime romance came rushing back from when "my heart melted like a popsicle on the Fourth of July".
      So what makes a good relationship? What causes you to fall in love with someone? I thought back to Nic and when I started falling for him. He had a twinkle in his eye and a terrific sense of humor. He was so charming. We stopped to get gas on one of our first dates and as he walked in front of the truck to the pump he began to flex his arms idiotically. I was so drawn to his sense of humor and the joy he had for life. He was never afraid to make fun of himself and be a dork.
    I don't want to get too much into the details of our marriage and I don't want this to be a dumping grounds for all of the crappy stuff Nic ever did so I'm going to use a little discretion here. Our marriage was quite simply hard. I know EVERY marriage is hard. Every marriage has it's own set of trials but more often than not one if not both of us was unhappy. I could get into all of the details of why I think it was that way but it's irrelevant. We were both committed to staying and trying to make it work. We had enough really good, happy times sprinkled in here and there that it would hold us together.
   Now that I'm on the other side of it and my marriage is ending I am seeing a few things differently. Yes, the woman who is getting divorced in a bad scenario is giving marriage advice. Just hear me out.
    1. Make time for your spouse before your friends and family. They need to feel like they are number one. Both Nic and I had a very close set of friends that we would do things with separate of each other. Now I'm not saying that's bad but it can be if its excessive. Sometimes it was excessive with us. I know I had times where I was more excited to see my friends than Nic. If I had a choice I would usually want to pick my friends. I also had many days and nights where I felt lonely because Nic had chosen his friends over me.
   2. Speak kindly to each other even in humor. Every once in a while a joke is all in good fun but trust me when you hear a joke about how bad of a cook you are 15 times it starts to hurt. When we're arguing with our mates we lose our temper and say mean things, we just do. Nic and I could take it to a different level. I can be really good with my words and more than once Nic told me I had a sharp tongue. I so wish I had taken a moment to temper myself.
   3. Do the little things. If your husband loves Reese's candy bars grab him one on your way home. Guys open the door for your wives. ALWAYS. Wives LET THEM. It is a sign of love and respect that he cares for you and a sign of love and respect that you want him to care for you. Hold hands, compliment each other, flirt. Write sweet or funny notes to each other. Nic and I didn't do enough of the little things. The little things add up and make you feel valued and loved. They make a marriage exciting.
  4. Tell each other everything. Your struggles, fears, and successes. I cannot stress this one enough!!! Like I said earlier I was aware of some of Nic's struggles but I had no clue the thoughts that went through his head those last few months. The thing that is so sad to me is if he would've opened up to me I wouldn't have even judged him I would have gotten him help BEFORE he could've acted on those thoughts.
  5. Grow in your faith together. You don't have to be in the same frame of mind spiritually to nourish each other and encourage growth. If one of you is moving forward and growing spiritually and the other one of you isn't and is even backsliding your marriage is in trouble. Make a commitment every day to encourage spirituality and growth in each other. With that being said everyone has their free agency and you can't force someone to try. They have to want it but pray for them to want it.
    I am hardly an expert on marriage and certainly everyone's marriage is different but this is my advice take it or leave it. I feel compelled to share these observations and things I've learned about marriage because once you're not really in it anymore you realize even more how precious it really is. It is a sacred gift. I would give anything for Nic and I to go back and make better choices. We have four perfect kids together. We really loved each other once. Now that I'm "single" I am so aware of other couples. It can be quite lonely. There is nothing better than being happily married. I find it so refreshing when I see a wife look at her husband with adoration in her eyes. I love it when a husband talks tenderly about his wife. It doesn't make me sad. It makes me hopeful and it reminds me of the gift that marriage really can and should be.
   I'm not still in love with Nic but I mourn the loss of our relationship and the good times we had. Ultimately I know it had to be this way and that there are brighter things in store for me. I know that Heavenly Father has something up his sleeve for my future; marriage or not. I know that I will create a successful life for myself and my children because I have Heavenly Father's help. I will always want an eternal marriage. I am a hopeless romantic and beyond that I desire to have all of Heavenly Father's blessings. Cherish your marriages. LDS or not be good to each other. Be thankful for each other and LOVE EACH OTHER THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS.




                                                      Oregon Coast, Fourth of July