Prison Time

  It just so happens that most of the court dates coincided with important dates in our lives. Nic's first court date was set for April 7th, our oldest son's birthday. The second hearing was scheduled for April 24th, our daughter's birthday. It was no surprise to me, then, that Nic's sentencing court date was scheduled for our 9th wedding anniversary, June 23rd. I'm not sure why it happened that way and it kind of baffles me that THREE times in a row court dates were scheduled for important days. I don't think it was a coincidence. There was a divine purpose behind that I'm sure. It may have been to create more of an impact on Nic.
  Because I was able to secure a recorded confession from Nic, our daughter didn't have to appear in court and testify. Which was a huge relief and one of my main motivations for doing it in the first place. I, however, still had to prepare a "victim impact statement". The purpose of the statement was basically to tell the judge my view and my opinion on the matter. It was my chance to have a voice. It could even sway the verdict. I fasted, prayed, and received a couple of priesthood blessings. I wanted to be sure that what I said in my statement reflected how I felt but mostly I wanted to make sure that what I said was what Heavenly Father wanted me to say. I rewrote and tweaked that statement so many times it's ridiculous. I knew that Heavenly Father knew what Nic needed and what my family needed to heal. He had knowledge that I didn't. So I prayed for guidance that I might say the right things and the right thing would happen regarding his sentencing. I was to read my statement at his sentencing.
  Our daughter was also given the opportunity to prepare a statement. Hers would be read either by myself or the judge could read it beforehand. I felt impressed to read it aloud in court. I can remember so vividly talking to her about it with her counselor. She knew she wanted to say something. She didn't hesitate or waste any time. Her statement was simple but powerful, "I miss you daddy, I love you. I'm glad I told. I wanted it to stop." To the point. I had agonized over my statement for weeks and here was this daughter of mine completely amazing me, yet again, with her maturity.
  The day of the sentencing came and because it was our anniversary I made plans to go to the temple that morning before court. I knew I needed the extra strength and I wanted Heavenly Father to know that I still cherished and honored those covenants I made nine years ago. As I was driving to drop the kids off at my friend Janae's house my daughter asked me why I was dressed up and where I was going. "To the temple and then to court like we talked about." "Why are you going to the temple?" she questioned. "Because it's the day your daddy and I got married and I made special promises to Heavenly Father." "It's your anniversary and you have to go to court! That's crazy mom! You're supposed to go on a date on your anniversary! Maybe next year you can go on a date with somebody for your anniversary." She was absolutely appalled that court was scheduled on our anniversary. She made me chuckle about going on a date with somebody else. "I'm not sure that's quite how it works baby girl". Even my eight year old thought it was insane timing.
  I didn't have time to do an endowment session so I did a few initiatory's instead. I'm glad it worked out that way because the blessings that are unique to initiatory's is just what I needed that day to prepare me for court. When I left the temple I sat on the bench for a moment and watched a newly married couple get their pictures taken. It was so surreal to me that it had been me nine years ago and here I was sitting nine years later preparing to deliver a statement that might send him to prison. I began to cry as I thought of everything Nic had so carelessly thrown away. I would have given him everything! At times I even tried to at my own expense. I looked up and through my tears I could see the Angel Moroni and I decided in that moment to commit to myself and to Heavenly Father that I would continue to keep my eyes focused on the temple. I would not forsake my temple covenants. With that promise I had new strength and determination. I stood up and took a few pictures of the temple before leaving for court. I knew what I was standing for was right. I knew that I had been guided. I knew that keeping my temple covenants was empowering me.
  I met my sister and drove to the courthouse with her. My brother Bryon and his wife Mishawn were there to support me as well as my closest friends. It was different than I thought it would be. We had to sit for quite a while and wait for Nic's turn. While we were waiting we were witnessing other people's trials. It felt so invasive of their privacy. Finally it was Nic's turn. Seeing him with all of the light sucked out of him was a stark comparison to the Nic in a tux nine years before. They were two COMPLETELY different people! The prosecuting attorney was amazing and her witness coordinator was superb. The coordinator sat by me the entire time and broke down all of the lawyer lingo for me. She comforted me and even joked with me. I couldn't have asked for anyone better! Finally my turn came. I got up and in a dreamlike state read my statement. Right when I started to read the thought came to me, "look up often and make eye contact with the judge". I was calm and collected in my heart but I did choke up when I mentioned our anniversary and again when I talked about our daughter. I had to stop and collect myself for a minute before continuing. After reading mine I read our daughter's statement. Which I think was the perfect way to end. Then Nic had a chance to say something. He didn't say much and there was very little conviction or emotion in his voice.
   I had been told to expect what they call a 6 month rider program. Which means he would basically get prison time for only six months. It's a little more complicated than that but it's irrelevant. The judge delivered his verdict and every single person in the room was stunned including the prosecuting attorney. 5 years fixed prison time with up to 20 years! Some people were happy but I was so confused. 6 months is much shorter than 5 years! I was in shock. I knew it was what was right but I wasn't expecting it at all. After court my sister and I got in her car and just cried. It was a sad thing that it had come to this. He was going to miss 5 whole years, at least, of the kids lives. The baby would be 7 when he got out if not older! Our daughter would be a teenager! Those were 5 precious years he would miss. How could he have done this? He threw away those years! My first concern was protecting my kids and I accomplished that but it didn't make it any easier to process. After getting dropped off I went up to my closet and sobbed on the floor. Again, prayer was the only place I could turn for comfort.
   I will always remember that day and I will always feel a pang when I think of it. Despite the horrendous nature of the majority of the day I will also always remember that morning sitting outside the temple making promises. That morning I made a promise that was crucial for me to make. Moving forward with my life I need to remember that promise. My eyes are still focused on the temple!!! Always and forever I will do my best to honor those covenants. My covenants are personal and it doesn't matter that he didn't keep his. What matters is what I do with mine. His actions don't justify me breaking my own covenants. I hold them sacred and I look forward to a time when I can be sealed to someone who also holds them sacred. I look forward to a time when I can be in the temple with my own children. How much pride and joy that would bring to my heart! I know that if I want to teach my kids that the temple is an important goal then I need to be an example! I need to live it and not waiver! They need to know with absolute certainty that their mom cherishes her temple covenants! ( I do not wish to make anyone feel bad if they have not always kept their covenants. I am not perfect. In all reality I don't perfectly keep all of my temple covenants, really most of us don't. That's another tangent for another time. Again I am not pointing fingers or pushing anyone down to lift myself higher. I am not your judge! I am simply stating how I felt that day and how I feel today about the temple. )
   June 23rd was one of the best days of my life! I will never forget the way I felt making promises to Nic and Heavenly Father. June 23rd will always be a little bitter for me but mostly it is sweet. The sweetness comes from Heavenly Father and keeping His temple covenants even in difficult times!


                                                                    June 23, 2006

 

June 23, 2015

 

 

Dancing in the Rain

                                These pictures were taken by my incredible friend Diana!

   My kids start school bright and early tomorrow so naturally I decided at midnight that it would be a good time to blog. (No sarcasm here). I will most definitely regret this decision in the morning but I have had my daughter on my mind all day. I feel compelled to share her strength and goodness.
   When everything first came to light one of my first thoughts was about my daughter's upcoming baptism. Who would baptize her? I was so sad that she didn't have the opportunity to have her daddy do it. Even more heartbreaking, he couldn't baptize her because he had abused her. For months I felt heartbroken that such a joyous thing would now be tainted. Finally I mustered the courage to let it go and accept reality. I knew any of her uncles would be more than willing to baptize her. I asked her who she would like to baptize her and she chose my brother Naitt. I allowed her to continue to pick who she would like to participate in her baptism.
    The time finally came for her baptism and it was the first time since everything happened that I had seen some of my family. It was so comforting to see them again and to physically feel their love for us. I prayed and prayed that I would be at peace that day and that my daughter especially would feel peace. I wanted her to realize the significance of the choice she had made to be baptized and to focus on that and not on the fact that her daddy wasn't the one baptizing her. I carefully helped her dress that morning, making sure she looked and felt as special as she could. This little girl deserved to feel special and to know how many people loved her! She had suffered unmentionable things and I wanted this to be a celebration for her. Most importantly I wanted her to know how much Heavenly Father loved her! I had seen His love for her in many ways and I knew He was so very proud of her for speaking up about the abuse. I guarantee that was the hardest thing she ever did! She was braver than most people ever are. Not only did she speak up and as a result her little world was rocked but she helped comfort her brothers and even me! This day was just one more incredible decision she had made. She had done so many hard things without the Holy Ghost as her constant companion what would she be capable of once she received Him as her constant companion?
   We arrived at the church and the love was overwhelming in that little room. Many family members were openly crying. They were touched by the spirit and by the amazing little girl that my daughter is. When I took her back to help her change into her jumpsuit she was literally jumping with joy. That still makes me tear up. Her excitement was absolutely contagious! The grace with which she had conducted herself still amazes me. She is truly an example and a light to me.
    My brother Kenton gave a talk on baptism and tears streamed down his face as he talked about love and returning to our Heavenly Father. My mom gave a talk on the Holy Ghost and she too was full of the spirit. Her two aunts gave the opening and closing prayers. Her cousins sang a beautiful version of "When I am Baptized".
    When I greeted her as she came out of the water she was beaming. This little girl knew nothing of pain that day. She knew nothing of abuse or sadness. This little girl knew the Savior! She knew the atonement's healing powers and I could see in her face that day that she had received His image in her countenance.
    It wasn't until later that I learned from my brother's wife that after he had baptized my daughter he wept in the bathroom. His heart was broken that it wasn't her daddy who had baptized her. He too had loved her daddy. He was touched and honored to have baptized her and there was so much emotion right on the surface. Naitt never told me about this himself. I don't think he wanted to burden me or make it about him. What he doesn't know is that is exactly why I love him so much! That is the kind of selfless person he is. I'm so thankful for all of my big brothers and their tender hearts!
    Her Uncle Bry confirmed her. Seeing her sitting in that chair surrounded by all of these uncles from both sides of the family and her grandpa was absolutely touching. The priesthood was very much still a part of her life! She was surrounded by priesthood power!
   That day could not have gone any more perfectly! The spirit was strong. What I thought was going to be tainted because of misfortune and trial was actually sweeter because of the manner with which she handled misfortune and trial. Afterwards as she was hugging loved ones and accepting gifts she walked up to her grandpa and asked him to give a piece of candy to her daddy. Again, she knew the atonement! Her forgiving heart of gold, I know, touched her dad when he heard that.  I will forever be thankful that she is my daughter!
   The amazing, incredible thing about the atonement is that it has even worked it's powers on my children who have no comprehension of what it really means. Children truly are so much closer to the spirit than adults. I have had to really work hard to receive the same healing powers in my life that my daughter received months ago, effortlessly. I cannot praise our Savior enough! When I doubted my ability as a mother to heal my children, when I left gaps, the atonement filled in. My daughter might know more sorrow later as she comes to comprehend more adult things and the severity of what happened to her. I am confident that the atonement can heal her from any pain she may face! I know she is a force to be reckoned with. She knows how to choose light and happiness. She will do great things and I am confident that through her own process she will choose the atonement again and again.
   The lesson I learn from my daughter's example is to always find the rainbow after the rain. Just like the song that was sung at her baptism by her cousins. "I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain." Her little heart was broken and she chose to find the rainbow. Life is crazy hard and we cannot predict what trials and challenges will come our way. We will often feel like we have our own personal rain cloud. Learning to dance in the rain and look for the rainbow will make life so much sweeter. After the rainstorm always comes something good. Have faith in that rainbow and in the meantime learn to dance in the rain. We can't control when the rain will stop but we do know at some point it will stop. We don't know how long it will rain so if we simply just sit there and get wet we will simply be wet and miserable. Learning to enjoy the rain and hope for the rainbow is the key to happiness. Only the atonement can teach you how to dance in the rain.

 

 

 

 

 

  

Covenant Keeping Women

    Tonight I was preparing a lesson to teach my Beehives (12-14 yr. old girls) tomorrow at church and I felt so touched by the spirit that I had to share. The lesson I'm teaching is ,"Why are covenants important in my life?"  At the top of every lesson is a little box for the teachers that says, "Prepare yourself spiritually". In that box they usually pose some questions to get you thinking about that topic. The little box in this particular lesson said:

                         "How have your covenants influenced your life?
                           What blessings have you received as you have
                           made and kept sacred covenants?

                           How can you help the young women understand
                           the covenants they have made and will make in the
                           future? How will understanding covenants
                           influence the young women to live more righteously?"

   This must have been something I needed to review and reflect on because after reading just that first paragraph I was crying. I wish I could take everything I feel in my heart about the covenants I have made and just let everyone feel it through my heart. My heart feels so full of gratitude for the covenants I have made. It's almost impossible for me to explain the blessings I've received from making those covenants because they are indefinite.
    Despite my marriage ending, the day that I was sealed in the temple to Nic remains one of the most special days of my life. Never in my life have I felt more love from Heavenly Father than I did that day making sacred covenants. Every part of my being was engulfed in what I can only describe as the pure love of Christ. I cherish all of the covenants I have made and I have a testimony that as I strive to remember them and live them daily that I am blessed. I can feel it in the quiet moments when I have a chance to reflect. I feel those blessings fill in all of my cracks. Honoring those covenants keeps me whole.
    A few scriptures and talks are always listed as references for the lessons. All of the scriptures and talks touched me but a talk by President Henry B. Eyring titled, "Daughters in the Covenant" really touched me. In this talk he discusses the covenants we make when we are baptized. He references a scripture in the Book of Mormon about some of the baptismal covenants and goes on to reference it to women in particular.

Mosiah 18: 8-9

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 

    Again tears openly flowed down my cheeks as I realized all of the faithful, covenant keeping women in my life. We promised at baptism to, "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort". I have seen so many women keep this particular covenant through serving me.

     There's Amy who is an angel (pun intended, for those of you that know her you will get it). Multiple times Amy has watched my kids for extended blocks of time with nothing but a smile on her face while doing it. She has never made me feel like my kids were a burden.

     Janae who has always been so willing to help with my kids as well. She has always been such a positive person to be around. She lifts my spirits and cries when I cry.

     Diana who has been a voice of reason and wisdom. A friend that listens and understands.

     My friend Shannon has stocked my fridge and freezer while watching my kids so I could attend Young Women's. She didn't even say a word and still pretends she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

     Jaynee has brought me many dirty diet cokes. (God bless her). She has paid my utility bills when I didn't know how I was going to pay them. She has helped me paint and fix up my house into the late hours of the night.

     Julie, who doesn't even know how much it means to me that she is so patient with my almost four year old who won't go to sunbeams. Week after week she allows him to come into nursery and helps him transition into primary.

    There's a gal I'm quite fond of named Chantal who is so genuine and kind. I can count on her for a laugh every time I have a conversation with her. Her kiddos are also quite nifty.

     You've already heard me mention Tory and there are no words for the gratitude I feel for her services she extended to me those first few days. She dropped everything with the support of her family to be there for me day or night. She made my pain her pain.

     There are so many others that deserve to be mentioned. So many that support me through kind words and a smiling face. So many women who have mourned with me and taken the time to comfort me. I'm just scratching the surface. I haven't even touched on the women in my family yet!!
      My mom, who has always been an example to me of keeping covenants even through trials. She continues to grow in the gospel and is a source of light and knowledge for me. The time, sweat, tears, and money she has put into her service to me blows me away and I pray to keep my covenants as well as she does.
      My sister has spent hours serving my little family. She loves my kids like they are her own. She never wavers in her faith and is always there when I need her.
      Sister-in-laws have sent me uplifting thoughts and quotes regularly to help lift my spirits. One watched my kids for four days along with her four children who are similar ages. That makes 8 kids 11 and under!!!
      Aunts and more sisters have been a listening ear and have said many prayers for me. They have extended financial donations.

      Reading this talk I felt so uplifted and honored to have these covenant keeping women in my life. They are such examples to me!! They are God's hands and instruments and many of my prayers have been answered through them. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such generosity! I think that's the point, I didn't do anything to deserve it and they did it anyway just because that's who they are.

      I have been thinking a lot about compassion lately and pondering how one develops it. It's a topic I'm very intrigued by. I don't understand why some people so often don't seem to have that virtue? This lesson I prepared tonight helped me realize on a deeper level that compassion and service go hand in hand. To those women that have served me and to women everywhere who are serving those around them I say thank you! I want to be more like you! My hope is that I can be more aware of those around me and continue to fulfill the covenants I made at baptism.

    I highly recommend that you click on the link to President Eyring's talk above and read it! Truly it is a very powerful reminder of the blessings that we will receive if we keep our covenants. Further more, it was an excellent reminder of the divine virtues women have been blessed with by nature. I could feel the Spirit testifying to me that those things are true.