Prison Time

  It just so happens that most of the court dates coincided with important dates in our lives. Nic's first court date was set for April 7th, our oldest son's birthday. The second hearing was scheduled for April 24th, our daughter's birthday. It was no surprise to me, then, that Nic's sentencing court date was scheduled for our 9th wedding anniversary, June 23rd. I'm not sure why it happened that way and it kind of baffles me that THREE times in a row court dates were scheduled for important days. I don't think it was a coincidence. There was a divine purpose behind that I'm sure. It may have been to create more of an impact on Nic.
  Because I was able to secure a recorded confession from Nic, our daughter didn't have to appear in court and testify. Which was a huge relief and one of my main motivations for doing it in the first place. I, however, still had to prepare a "victim impact statement". The purpose of the statement was basically to tell the judge my view and my opinion on the matter. It was my chance to have a voice. It could even sway the verdict. I fasted, prayed, and received a couple of priesthood blessings. I wanted to be sure that what I said in my statement reflected how I felt but mostly I wanted to make sure that what I said was what Heavenly Father wanted me to say. I rewrote and tweaked that statement so many times it's ridiculous. I knew that Heavenly Father knew what Nic needed and what my family needed to heal. He had knowledge that I didn't. So I prayed for guidance that I might say the right things and the right thing would happen regarding his sentencing. I was to read my statement at his sentencing.
  Our daughter was also given the opportunity to prepare a statement. Hers would be read either by myself or the judge could read it beforehand. I felt impressed to read it aloud in court. I can remember so vividly talking to her about it with her counselor. She knew she wanted to say something. She didn't hesitate or waste any time. Her statement was simple but powerful, "I miss you daddy, I love you. I'm glad I told. I wanted it to stop." To the point. I had agonized over my statement for weeks and here was this daughter of mine completely amazing me, yet again, with her maturity.
  The day of the sentencing came and because it was our anniversary I made plans to go to the temple that morning before court. I knew I needed the extra strength and I wanted Heavenly Father to know that I still cherished and honored those covenants I made nine years ago. As I was driving to drop the kids off at my friend Janae's house my daughter asked me why I was dressed up and where I was going. "To the temple and then to court like we talked about." "Why are you going to the temple?" she questioned. "Because it's the day your daddy and I got married and I made special promises to Heavenly Father." "It's your anniversary and you have to go to court! That's crazy mom! You're supposed to go on a date on your anniversary! Maybe next year you can go on a date with somebody for your anniversary." She was absolutely appalled that court was scheduled on our anniversary. She made me chuckle about going on a date with somebody else. "I'm not sure that's quite how it works baby girl". Even my eight year old thought it was insane timing.
  I didn't have time to do an endowment session so I did a few initiatory's instead. I'm glad it worked out that way because the blessings that are unique to initiatory's is just what I needed that day to prepare me for court. When I left the temple I sat on the bench for a moment and watched a newly married couple get their pictures taken. It was so surreal to me that it had been me nine years ago and here I was sitting nine years later preparing to deliver a statement that might send him to prison. I began to cry as I thought of everything Nic had so carelessly thrown away. I would have given him everything! At times I even tried to at my own expense. I looked up and through my tears I could see the Angel Moroni and I decided in that moment to commit to myself and to Heavenly Father that I would continue to keep my eyes focused on the temple. I would not forsake my temple covenants. With that promise I had new strength and determination. I stood up and took a few pictures of the temple before leaving for court. I knew what I was standing for was right. I knew that I had been guided. I knew that keeping my temple covenants was empowering me.
  I met my sister and drove to the courthouse with her. My brother Bryon and his wife Mishawn were there to support me as well as my closest friends. It was different than I thought it would be. We had to sit for quite a while and wait for Nic's turn. While we were waiting we were witnessing other people's trials. It felt so invasive of their privacy. Finally it was Nic's turn. Seeing him with all of the light sucked out of him was a stark comparison to the Nic in a tux nine years before. They were two COMPLETELY different people! The prosecuting attorney was amazing and her witness coordinator was superb. The coordinator sat by me the entire time and broke down all of the lawyer lingo for me. She comforted me and even joked with me. I couldn't have asked for anyone better! Finally my turn came. I got up and in a dreamlike state read my statement. Right when I started to read the thought came to me, "look up often and make eye contact with the judge". I was calm and collected in my heart but I did choke up when I mentioned our anniversary and again when I talked about our daughter. I had to stop and collect myself for a minute before continuing. After reading mine I read our daughter's statement. Which I think was the perfect way to end. Then Nic had a chance to say something. He didn't say much and there was very little conviction or emotion in his voice.
   I had been told to expect what they call a 6 month rider program. Which means he would basically get prison time for only six months. It's a little more complicated than that but it's irrelevant. The judge delivered his verdict and every single person in the room was stunned including the prosecuting attorney. 5 years fixed prison time with up to 20 years! Some people were happy but I was so confused. 6 months is much shorter than 5 years! I was in shock. I knew it was what was right but I wasn't expecting it at all. After court my sister and I got in her car and just cried. It was a sad thing that it had come to this. He was going to miss 5 whole years, at least, of the kids lives. The baby would be 7 when he got out if not older! Our daughter would be a teenager! Those were 5 precious years he would miss. How could he have done this? He threw away those years! My first concern was protecting my kids and I accomplished that but it didn't make it any easier to process. After getting dropped off I went up to my closet and sobbed on the floor. Again, prayer was the only place I could turn for comfort.
   I will always remember that day and I will always feel a pang when I think of it. Despite the horrendous nature of the majority of the day I will also always remember that morning sitting outside the temple making promises. That morning I made a promise that was crucial for me to make. Moving forward with my life I need to remember that promise. My eyes are still focused on the temple!!! Always and forever I will do my best to honor those covenants. My covenants are personal and it doesn't matter that he didn't keep his. What matters is what I do with mine. His actions don't justify me breaking my own covenants. I hold them sacred and I look forward to a time when I can be sealed to someone who also holds them sacred. I look forward to a time when I can be in the temple with my own children. How much pride and joy that would bring to my heart! I know that if I want to teach my kids that the temple is an important goal then I need to be an example! I need to live it and not waiver! They need to know with absolute certainty that their mom cherishes her temple covenants! ( I do not wish to make anyone feel bad if they have not always kept their covenants. I am not perfect. In all reality I don't perfectly keep all of my temple covenants, really most of us don't. That's another tangent for another time. Again I am not pointing fingers or pushing anyone down to lift myself higher. I am not your judge! I am simply stating how I felt that day and how I feel today about the temple. )
   June 23rd was one of the best days of my life! I will never forget the way I felt making promises to Nic and Heavenly Father. June 23rd will always be a little bitter for me but mostly it is sweet. The sweetness comes from Heavenly Father and keeping His temple covenants even in difficult times!


                                                                    June 23, 2006

 

June 23, 2015