Broke and Grateful

  

   With Nic in prison for five years that means no child support. I was well aware of that fact when I made the decision to turn him in. I didn't know how I would provide for my kids but I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of us. He definitely has but that doesn't mean it has always been easy. I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born. I have little job experience and no degree. It has been difficult, to say the least, to figure out my finances. After getting married I got pregnant pretty quickly. It had always been my goal to be a stay at home mom and to then pursue a college degree when the kids were all in school. My perfect little plan didn't work out and now I find myself between a rock and a hard place. It is hard for me to blog about this. I don't want people to pity me and I'm not asking for handouts. I have a pride problem and I strongly dislike asking for help financially.

    One day this last spring I was reading my scriptures and I came across a particular passage that touched me. I was so concerned about money and providing for my kids. It was overwhelming.
    
Matthew 6:28-33

 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shallhe not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

.  Despite my pride Heavenly Father has found a way to bless my little family and take care of us. I had some money from tax returns that I stretched as long as I could. When that was gone I held a yard sale and sold stuff online. I had a kind woman from my past send me a check for $500.00 and at another point I received another $500.00 from some relatives. At my daughter's baptism someone slipped a $100.00 bill in my purse. A friend paid my utility bills for a while. My mom has paid my lawyer's fees. A family member has taken care of all of my gas expenses for the car for the last couple of months. My car broke down on two different occasions and my mom paid for it one time and the next time another family member paid for it. A family friend mailed me a check for another $100.00 not that long ago. When the kids started school a couple of family members took them clothes shopping. Since moving to Utah a friend of mine even bought a dresser for the boys room! I feel like I have been the queen of handouts and it has about killed me and my pride! I have been humbled more times then I can count. Each time someone has helped me they have done so with no hesitation and they always insist that it's really okay. More often than not they have volunteered to help without me even asking.

 Many times I have prayed, "Heavenly Father please help me to know what to do to take care of my kids both financially and emotionally". The timing wasn't right for me to get a job because I wasn't supposed to be in Idaho and my kids needed me to be around. They had already lost one parent and they weren't ready for me to be gone a lot too. This was made clear to me one night when I went to check on my oldest son at bedtime. He was lying on his bed staring straight up at the ceiling and I could tell something was bothering him. "What's wrong buddy?" Nothing, dead silence. This was not uncommon for him. He had a very difficult time processing his feelings and would often shut down. After lying next to him for a few minutes he finally came out with it, "Mom if you're going to go to work and school who will take care of us? When will we see you? We don't see daddy anymore." One tiny tear trickled down his cheek. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I had no idea this little boy was harboring so many fears. I did my best to comfort him and when he finally fell asleep I laid there in the dark silently crying. How do I be all things to these kids? How do I provide for all of their needs?

   Because of so many of you I haven't had to do it all on my own. I have been able to be there for my kids the way they've needed me. I've seen light come back into their eyes and smiles come back to their faces. As I type this I can't help but cry because as a mother you have no idea what it means to me that I have been able to be the one to comfort them. They are healing and I believe they are finally ready to let go of me a little more. 

   Last week I had $2 in my wallet and about $20 in my bank account. I had just told my sister to go ahead and pawn my wedding ring. The mail came and I received a sweet note from an anonymous reader of this blog and a very generous donation via cashier's check. I immediately fell to my knees in prayer and sobbed with gratitude.  I want that person to know that I will keep that note forever! Because of that donation I will be able to afford a certification class that I needed in order to pursue my career as a nurse. I will be able to buy my kids coats for the winter. My heart is forever touched by that act of kindness. I vowed to myself that day that I will do the same thing for someone else one day. 

   I often drive up to a spot at night where I can see the whole valley and all of the city lights. When I'm there I turn off the car and just think and ponder on all of the ways God has directed my life. I can see His hand so clearly in my life. Every single thing that didn't work out was for a reason. There have been little signs pointing me in a certain direction almost daily. I sit and I think about the way God has answered my prayers through all of you. I feel so small in a big and beautiful world and I can see so much opportunity and goodness in my future. My life is hard but it is unfolding so beautifully. I am doing things I never thought I was capable of doing. I am growing and evolving. I am learning to be more compassionate and in the process I am finding my passion. None of this would be possible without the incredible people who've helped me along the way! We are truly here to serve and help each other along. I feel so very blessed and fortunate that as I've done my best and still fallen short that my prayers have been heard and answered by so many of you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mine is a gratitude that will last through the eternities. 


This song came to my mind while thinking about all of those who have helped me. It is my hope and deepest wish to help others the way I have been helped. Because of the compassion I've been shown my heart has been changed. I feel a deep need inside of me to help others. How can I be a heart in the right place? How can I make someone's day a little brighter? As we turn to the Savior I know he will direct us to those who are in need. I have made a very good friend during this process who has simply listened to the promptings of the spirit and following those promptings led our paths to cross. To make a long story short because of this friendship things have come about that have helped me to forgive Nic and I have gained more confidence in who I am and my life moving forward. There is no way this person could have become my friend without listening to the spirit. There are no coincidences! Align yourself spiritually and listen to those promptings that come to you and you can be a heart in the right place. There is someone you can help "not too far from here". 

"Not Too Far From Here"

Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest, while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds, the road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
(Not too far)
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Now I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To every needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Someone is waiting
(Waiting)
Not too far from here