What Hurts.

   I mentioned in my last post that my mom has lung cancer. Since then she has had a stroke that was a side effect of the lung cancer. It's difficult for me to write about this because it's happening now and I don't want to say anything that might make it more difficult for my mom or cause her more worry or pain. That being said I have stuffed a lot of my feelings and haven't been coping very well. I haven't had much alone time or reflective time like I'm used to having so that I can process my feelings. I have tried to keep going full steam and take it all on. I wanted to be everything for my kids, my mom, my siblings, and still make time for myself. Turns out you can't be all things to all people. (like duh! ) So tonight I was putting clean sheets on my bed when I found myself suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. All of the feelings I had been stuffing and trying to run from, everything I was trying to be stronger than came out all at once. So here I am. I don't write these things publicly to seek sympathy or for anyone's pity. I am here writing because it hurts and somehow writing about my pain and sharing it makes me feel a little bit better on the off chance that somebody else will read it and identify with it. That they might feel a little less alone. I know my siblings understand, I have the BEST siblings, but when I write that's how I deal. That's my therapy. I write hard and fast and get it all out.  

  I have found myself in a position yet again where my life is in chaos through no fault of my own. What's the point? What's the purpose of it all? How could one person have to deal with so much in one short year? I know so many others that have suffered with such difficult things. Some far worse than anything I've been through. So again I ask, why? These are good people I'm talking about! 

  My mom has lived a hard life. She's had many challenges and heartaches. I've seen her step up and do what needs to be done no matter how tired she was. Then in the evenings or early mornings when everything is quiet she would cry. She would cry to the Lord on her knees asking for more strength, desiring only to do His will. When I heard of her cancer I was angry. She doesn't need to be tested anymore! She shouldn't have to suffer anymore! Why can't she just have a little taste of what it's like to be carefree? What I've come to realize is that her cancer is not a punishment. It is not some final test that she has to pass. I don't know why she has stage four lung cancer. What I do know is that Heavenly Father loves her! He has been with her every step of the way. He is saddened to see her in pain. It is through her cancer that He is showing her His power. It is through her cancer that He is bringing her even closer to Him. She has been told as much in a priesthood blessing and I have felt His love for her. My sister, Laura, once told me in the middle of my crisis that Heavenly Father had me in the cradle of His hand. Those words pierced my soul and I could feel the truth of that statement fill every part of me. Once again I feel that same divine truth all around me. This time it is my mom that is in the cradle of His hand. When I am with her I am in the presence of many who have gone on before. The veil is thin and I can feel them comforting her, watching out for her. She is so loved!

   So how does this all apply to me, to you? It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Heavenly Father's power. As we suffer and we feel broken down with no where else to go, we can become more receptive to the Spirit. I know this to be true because I have seen it in my life this last year. I feel almost as if Heavenly Father was saying, "Trust Me my child, let Me show you My power. Watch as I take care of you." When I have had literally no money, miraculously He has provided again and again. When I have had no strength left in me, He has heard my cries and given me strength to stand. When I haven't known the answers, He has provided them to me in very clear and distinct ways. He has brought complete strangers into my life that have taken care of me in one way or another. I have absolutely seen miracles! 

   It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Savior's love for us. I have ached and I continue to ache. I will always have things in my life that make me ache. When I feel that pain and I kneel in prayer I am reminded of One who not only understood my pain but literally felt it. Guys he felt every single one of our pains. Every person on the planet! That is huge! I have very little comprehension for it but the more life experience I gain and the more difficult things I experience the more gratitude I feel for Him. I know more about His love now than I did after I found out about the abuse, or when my dad died. Each new trial brings a little more comprehension for His love and a lot more gratitude for Him. 

   I know this is going to sound like a bunch of bologna to some of you and frankly sometimes it sounds like bologna to me but I would go through every hardship I've ever had all over again to be where I am today. To know Him a little better than I did. My relationship with Him, however limited it may be, is that sweet! I know as I go through these hard times that I will come to know Him a little bit more. 

   So what is the point? Why do good people have to suffer? Is it some big test or punishment? I know we are told we are sent here to be tested and I believe that but sometimes I think it's different than that. Sometimes I think the point is to learn of Heavenly Father's power and to learn of Christ's love more fully. To become humble and meek. To experience some of the miracles in my life I had to go through some pain first. I had to become humble. I would not even have been in a position to receive them had I not. I am grateful for those miracles! I am grateful to have witnessed God's power in my life! I am grateful for our Savior's love! It doesn't seem fair or right that some people should suffer the way that they do but when I look at it from a different perspective, an eternal one, I see that the reward is FAR GREATER than any pain we may experience here on earth.