Walls

 

    Humor me and allow me to turn into a therapist for this post. This topic has been on my mind lately.
    Back in July I wrote about how excited I was to fall in love again. It is now nearly December and in just a brief window of single life I had started to become jaded. I started an online dating profile a while back, because honestly as a single mom of little kids how else am I going to gain any dating experience let alone find someone? (Side note: if you're going to lecture me about the dangers of online dating save your breath. I have a protective older brother that has already given me a LENGTHY and DETAILED education of what to look out for and he is prepared to do multiple background checks. Literally.) Anyway, it didn't take very long for reality to hit me square in the face. People are hurt and broken and walls are up. Different people put their walls up differently. Some people put up their walls by wanting only "hookups" with the mentality of, "if I don't really know you to care about you then I won't get hurt, right?" Others put up their walls by only talking about vague and non-personal things. They won't make any small chat about their lives. Some do really well and appear to be pretty open and then they freeze and retract again in fear. And then there are those that will only make small chat never going any deeper. When the walls are up even basic conversation is difficult. Everyone aches to be loved and find that special someone but few are truly open to the possibility of love. How does anyone expect to find love without even having a real conversation? I'm not even talking the complicated, deep stuff but simply a real conversation about their life, likes, and interests. Very few people are willing to carry on a dialogue. It's fairly simple; you ask a question, they answer, then they ask you a question, and so on and so forth. Every one is so afraid of getting hurt again that they even lose the ability to communicate effectively.
      Luckily for me, I'm not in a big hurry and I definitely don't feel any pressure to find someone right away.  I'm actually enjoying my time getting more comfortable and confident with who I am and I'm tapping even deeper into my unique identity as a daughter of God. I'm trying to get more comfortable with talking to men again and if a connection happens, it happens. Hurry or not, I find it so disheartening and depressing that so many people are afraid to be vulnerable. Their fear of vulnerability leaves things feeling a little one sided and then in turn I feel like I have to pull back a little. I don't want to be open if they're not going to be, otherwise I'm the one that gets hurt because I have more to lose. So then nobody is open, it's a vicious cycle. Everyone turns inward. Let me be clear, I'm not saying that we have to tell everyone everything, in fact we shouldn't! We should be selective with who we tell and what we tell (says the woman whose life is an open book because she blogs about it *cough cough* hypocrite*). What I'm saying is that if there is some mutual interest there and you feel good about the person don't hold back because of fear. I found myself doing that very thing. Even my mentality changed, instead of being more optimistic and kind I found myself feeling bitter and resentful. I hated feeling that way! I had an experience that woke me up to what I was doing and I realized that's not who I want to be. I don't care how many times my ego gets bruised, or I am left feeling disappointed, I refuse to be this closed off bitter person. I refuse to withdraw from relationships before I even give them a fair shot. I refuse to live my life in fear in any aspect, including my love life. Am I afraid? ABSOLUTELY!!! I have been burned and I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I am choosing to face my fears. Nothing worthwhile comes without a little risk and a little pain.
      It's okay to be afraid. It's a normal response after getting hurt. If you trip and fall on the stairs you're going to be a little more cautious and afraid next time you use the stairs (ask me I know). Fear is our body's way of protecting itself. What's not okay is to dwell in that fear. It would be ridiculous for me to never take a flight of stairs again because I stumbled once or twice. Fear can be a good thing but it can also hinder us if we're not careful. It's especially detrimental to us when we choose fear over faith. We must listen to promptings Heavenly Father gives us no matter how afraid we are or we might lose out on a wonderful blessing. It will be hard to choose faith, I guarantee it! Be patient with yourself and keep praying for help to overcome your fear. It might take a while to get there but allow the atonement to do its job and eventually you will get there.
      When we have been severely hurt in relationships, it can make it really scary for us to be vulnerable again. We may even feel emotionally paralyzed, completely incapable of being vulnerable. What I've realized is that the atonement is critical for me, even in my love life. I can get over my fears, I can heal, I can trust again because of the atonement. Although beneficial, no amount of therapy or self help books will do for me what the atonement of our Savior can. There is no pain in this life that the atonement doesn't cover!
      My life is crazy right now with everything going on with my mom and all of the things I have to do for my kiddos as a single parent. I'm okay with being single, in fact I actually kind or prefer it right now because my practical and limited mortal mind can't comprehend how a relationship would work at the moment. I'm also okay if Heavenly Father places someone in my life and tells me to pursue it. Again I am in no rush to get into a relationship but I will not push away something Heavenly Father wants for me because I don't think the timing is right or because I don't want to get hurt. I'm doing my best to live my life in general with the guidance of the spirit and trust in His plan for me. I try to listen to the promptings I get even if I think Heavenly Father has a screw loose once in a while. Sometimes He prompts me to do things and I think He must be crazy, there's no way I can do what He's asking of me. Doesn't He get that I'm done getting hurt? He does know. He knows my heart. He knows how broken I feel. He knows how much I doubt. He knows I ache. He knows I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. He knows what I need and what my kids need better than I do. I believe in His love and plan for me so strongly that I force myself to swallow my fear and be vulnerable when it feels right. I'm not perfect at everything I've written about but I keep striving to be open to the His plan for me. When something happens and my tender feelings get hurt I turn it over to Him in prayer and "move forward with faith".