I. AM. STILL. HERE.

The last few months have been brutal. After discovering my mom's cancer I have slowly but surely sunk into depression. The pain and the fear I feel makes me ache to have someone to comfort me. Part of me went into shock and I haven't always thought rationally. A piece of me so desperately kept seeking out a relationship because she worries so much about me and I don't want her to have to leave this world without knowing I'm happily married. It's crazy, its irrational, but it's grief. I put the kids to bed and I'm left with my heavy thoughts and a loneliness unlike anything I've ever experienced sets in. Logically I know that I have to heal myself. Logically I know that the atonement is the only way to do that but I look at happy couples helping each other through life and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling empty and like I don't matter deeply, on a daily basis to someone other than my kids. So mostly I have been coping by ignoring my problems or trying to distract myself. I have been running from and trying to block my pain because I fear that if I truly feel it, it will be too much to handle. I've shut out friends and turned inward. It has been and is a very dark and unhealthy place to be. I have continued to say my prayers, read my scriptures, and act like everything is fine but I have been only going through the motions not really feeling anything. Going through life hollow and desperate for someone or something to fill me up again. Paralyzed by fear and pain.

Last night I was woken up at 1:43 am by the buzzing sound of my phone on the hard wood of my bedside table. In my efforts to distract myself or relieve some of my loneliness I have been casually texting/messaging a few lds guys  I don't want to make this about my love life or lack of but I do believe some background would be a little helpful. This guy that texted me last night, lets call him John. Anyway John and I had texted quite a bit back and forth one day about all kinds of things from music to our previous heart breaks. He seemed really nice and interested but it was too early to really tell. As time went on he became kind of withdrawn and to be honest I didn't really reach out either. Then last night I get this text:

"Hey I wanted to do the right thing

and kind of just let you know that 

I'm now seeing someone and have 

decided to date her exclusively. I 

hope you understand that it doesn't

have anything to do with a lack of 

interest in you. I honestly think you 

are an amazing woman and person. 

And I've wrestled with the idea of 

burning a bridge with you or potentially

hurting or disappointing you for a

while now. Ultimately though I feel

like it would be unfair to you to 

continue to pursue anything with 

you if I didn't have my whole heart

in it. 

I don't know how any of this sounds. 

I probably sound like an extremely 

pretentious douche. I am hoping that the

takeaway that you get from this is that

I respect you enough to be totally 

honest with you. I wouldn't do 

that if you're opinion of me didn't 

matter to me. But it does, because I 

know that you are a really strong, 

amazing person. And whoever you end

up with is going to be an extremely

lucky guy.

I hope you aren't upset by this, or 

that I have done anything that has

been hurtful to you or wrong in

any way. Please know that I am really

sorry and I assure you that that was 

never my intention. I really just want 

the best for you and your kids. You have

been through a hell of a lot, and I will 

honestly keep your family in my prayers. 

I don't think that I have come across 

anyone in the recent past that I feel is

more deserving of a happy life than you. 

And I honestly mean that. I meant everything 

I said. You are beautiful, you are sexy, and you

exude an extremely strong spirit. And I 

honestly respect that, and I am grateful to

have gotten to know you a little bit. "

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't really invested myself in this guy because we didn't know each other long. Yet for some reason tears were filling my eyes. I felt complimented and rejected all at the same time. It was really quite bizarre that I had been rejected by others that I was more interested or invested in and yet the way he phrased things I suddenly felt so very lonely. And for the first time in months I allowed myself to really feel all of the pain. I reread that text a few times and tried to process it before responding as graciously as I could. Thanking him for his honesty and wishing him all the luck and happiness in the world. After all he too had suffered and been lonely and deserved a little slice of joy. Then the sobs came and I found myself on my knees truly and sincerely praying to Heavenly Father once more the way I had so often in the past. I was finally feeling something again other than numbness. "Heavenly Father I don't understand why I'm having to do so many difficult things on my own, without a mate. I have always done my best to be faithful and I work so frickin hard to be happy and choose happiness every day of my life. For once I just want to naturally feel happy. I know I've been so immensely blessed and I feel like a brat for complaining but it's how I feel right now. I apologize for my very mortal mind that lacks patience and understanding for Thy will. I am aware that You know what I've been through. I know You haven't been blind to my pain as I've been told as much in a blessing. But so what? That doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling right now! I'm sorry for being ungrateful for not comprehending everything the way I probably should be but I don't understand. What is the point of all of this? Why am I continually faithful when I still hurt so much?" SILENCE and then, "I don't know what it is you want of me but I'm still here. I am still fighting, still trying, still believing. I have endured much, maybe not well, but I'm still here." At that point I began to sob repeatedly as if begging Him to see me, "I am still here, I am still here. I am still here." And then it gradually turned into a positive affirmation. "I am still here!" Finally it ended as a powerful statement, a warrior's battle cry. Each word distinct and deliberate. "I. AM. STILL. HERE!" As I rose from my knees I was weak and weary. I had exerted much emotional energy into that prayer. I silently cried tears of relief to be feeling something again and as I laid my head on my pillow I resolved to keep fighting the good fight. 

I'm not sure why that text was the trigger that finally humbled me to let down my walls again and be real with my Heavenly Father. Regardless I'm thankful for the way He works in my life, always knowing how to bring me back to Him. I'm thankful for "John's" honesty and that he acted and sent me that text when he did. Last night I realized something. I have experienced a lot of pain in my relatively short life, it could always be worse I know but as I look back on what I've been through it has been no easy feat. And yet by some miracle I am still here. I have survived the unthinkable and by the grace of God I am still here, a little worse for the wear in a few places but polished in others. As I said those words over and over again it felt like my heart was bleeding I realized that I will always still be here. There is a God given strength in me, that although I get discouraged and knocked down, refuses to give up. There still might be much pain and testing ahead of me but I will not let Satan win! I am not perfect, I'll make many mistakes but I will always come back. Why? It's simple really. I know and have felt the Savior's love and Heavenly Father's love and it is so sweet that I cannot deny it. I cannot stop fighting until I can feel of that love all the time. I imagine being reunited with Them and the feeling of sweet satisfaction as I honestly say, "I gave my all so that I might be at peace in Your presence." Sometimes my mortal and weak mind forgets what my spirit knows. Their love is so great that every hardship and trial I may experience will be obviously worth it once I am reunited with Them again! What a glorious day that will be and as for now as I stumble so imperfectly through life I find comfort in knowing that I'm still here. 

          I don't always feel like I have the ability to be strong anymore but I keep choosing to try to be.