A Thankful Heart

   This Thanksgiving my thoughts kept circling back to where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving. When my daughter told the school counselor about the abuse she said it started on Thanksgiving. She said grandma was staying in her room but for some reason she wasn't there that night. As I have thought back to last Thanksgiving it all makes perfect sense. Nic loved spending time with my family so if they were in town usually he would go back over to where they were at after we got the kids in bed for the night. Last year he told me I should go spend time with my family. I remember looking at him a little shocked thinking it was strange. After a few minutes I decided I would go and I figured maybe he was trying to be more generous and less selfish. I greatly appreciated the night off with my family. Little did I know that he wanted me to go so he could be alone with our daughter. It used to haunt me that Thanksgiving was where it all began. I remember feeling so guilty. How did I not know? Where was my mother's intuition? The truth is it all began a long time before that day. He must have been having thoughts for some time before he actually acted on them.
    So a year later here I am and honestly I couldn't be more grateful. I'm grateful first of all that my kids are safe. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father guided me to do all the right things so I could protect my babies. My daughter no longer has to endure sexual abuse and is on the path of healing. I'm grateful she has been so resilient and that the atonement has worked as a balm on her heart. I'm grateful she was prompted to tell some little girl that she didn't really know that her daddy was touching her. She was prompted to tell the right little girl, the little girl that would encourage her to tell the counselor at school. I'm grateful for that little girls parents for teaching her what to do. If I knew who they were I would give them a huge hug and thank them from the bottom of my heart. I'm thankful for all of the social workers, family, friends, lawyers, officers, teachers, and the judge that made it possible for me to get to this point. Because of their help and support my kids are safe. My daughter doesn't have to be afraid to go to sleep in her bed at night.
    I'm grateful for the generosity of others. This past year would have been absolutely crushing without the loving compassion of others. I cannot even begin to say how much every smile, kind thought, prayer, act of service and financial donation has meant to me. I make sure to tell my kids all the time how lucky we are and how important it is to help others. I feel like I'm being redundant but I am quite honestly blown away by the generous acts of others. I am inspired by these acts to be better and do better. To know that I have not only my personal family and friends but complete strangers rooting and pulling for my little family to succeed inspires me to keep going, to keep fighting, and I strive to be like those who have helped me. Their love and generosity has forever changed my heart.
    I'm grateful for my siblings. This last year my family has experienced many hardships. The shocking news about Nic's abuse devastated my family. Many of them have also experienced a lot of pain in their own personal lives. A brother and sister-in-law lost their teenage nephew in a tragic accident. As you can imagine it was heartbreaking. Then this fall my family received even more devastating news when we found out about my mom's cancer. As we have had such difficult times we've been together a lot more than usual. What I'm so grateful for is the time we've spent together even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. We have laughed and cried together many times this last year and I so appreciate that we have each other. None of us have to experience these things all alone. I'm so grateful for the intense loyalty and love I receive from my family. I know that my siblings have my back no matter what. Their lives are busy and they can't always be there but because of the quality time we have shared together I never doubt their love.
    I'm thankful for my mom's testimony. I'm thankful that she was always an example to me and that she taught me well. Many people have commended me for my spiritual strength. I truthfully cannot take any credit. I did not become this way all on my own. It was my mother who instilled in me from a very young age the importance of a relationship with Heavenly Father. Over the years she has taught me many spiritual life lessons. I'm grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I would not be where I am today without her. It is because of her that I know that no matter what life throws my way I will be okay as long as I cling tightly to the gospel. She has consistently been my rock. I am so grateful that we have had more time with her. Her stroke scared us all. We weren't sure we were going to get her back. Those were some dark days for our family. My heart is so full that we were able to spend thanksgiving with her and that she was able to enjoy it. I don't know what the cancer will do to her or when it will take her from this life but I'm so grateful for each and every moment I get with her and for the blessed opportunity I have now to extend some service to her. It is my turn to care for and nurture her. I am so happy to do it.
    I'm thankful for the four little humans that I get to call my own. My kids are the reason I go on when I feel like giving up. They're the reason I smile when I've had a bad day. They're the reason I get up and choose to fight each and every day of my life no matter how damn hard it is to fight. They drive me crazy sometimes but my love for them goes so deep that I can't stay crazy. I look at them and marvel at their perfectly healthy little bodies, their dimples, their little blonde heads. I am in awe of their unique and marvelous personalities. How are these wild, sweet, crazy, funny, smart, loving kids mine? My kids give me purpose. They breathe new life into me each and every time they give me a hug or flash a smile my way. Sometimes I suspect that they do far more for me than I do for them. I consider myself very blessed to be their mama.
     I could go on and on as I have MUCH to be grateful for. Perhaps the thing I am the most grateful for is a wise and loving Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. In Heavenly Father's wisdom and love He has guided and protected me this past year through some really rough waters. The storm was coming no matter what. Nic did what he did and my mom's cancer couldn't have been prevented. Without Heavenly Father's help I would surely have drowned with the immensity of it all. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done but I'm positive I would've self destructed from the weight of it all without a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Never have I faced more pressure and strain on me than I have this past year. Heavenly Father completely took over and guided me when it came to Nic's criminal charges. I was literally told step by step what to do. Then in His infinite wisdom He sent me to Utah. I never wanted to move back to Utah and when I finally did I still didn't know the full purpose behind it. I was brought here to be with and care for my mom at this difficult time for her. I am so grateful I listened to Him when I didn't want to. I couldn't possibly know my mom had cancer at the time. When I have felt I was in way over my head, when I've felt like I absolutely couldn't rise up to what was being required of me, through deep prayer the atonement has time and time again come to my rescue. It has been my most powerful defense against the adversary. I get up on my own two feet and I continue to surprise myself with what I'm capable of as I let the atonement strengthen and sustain me. I would be no where without the atonement. I promise you I am not as strong as I seem in fact most of the time I feel quite the opposite, I am so incredibly weak and human, for this reason I am beyond thankful for my Heavenly Father and His Son.
    I have been taught many things. I have witnessed miracles. I have been the recipient of more generosity than I even knew existed. My heart is truly full.  As I have reflected on who I was and where I was a year ago I am so grateful to be who I am and where I am now. I have NO reason not to have a thankful heart always.