Kathleen Abrams Ewell, A Believer

I'm not sure this post will make any sense. It is most likely going to be a jumbled mess of my thoughts and feelings. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I know I just need to get them out somehow. I don't know how to write about such tender things while it is still so fresh but feel it is important to do so. I have written quite a bit in my journal but feel the need to share some of these thoughts with others. My mom was one of my biggest supporters of this blog and I know she would want me to share some of these things if it might benefit someone. I still feel so amazed and humbled that what I have to say makes a difference in the lives of others. I feel so normal, so ordinary, but perhaps that is where my power is. I can help others because I'm normal and ordinary and I have been blessed with the courage to share. So with a little apprehension I am once again going to be vulnerable and share with y'all another piece of my heart. I'm going to share some of my grief with you. I'm going to share one of the most valuable things to me with you, my mama.

On July 13th at 3:01 a.m. my dad came to take my sweet mama home and end her mortal suffering. It was a beautiful and tender blessing to hold her hand and feel her heart beat its last few beats. The love that was in that room with my siblings and I surrounding her bed as she left this life is something that cannot ever be described by words we have here in this life. Her nine month battle with stage 4 lung cancer tested and tried her to her limits in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically she fought EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Some would say the cancer won, I have even said she lost her battle but as I look back now I realize I was wrong. Despite extreme pain and moments of doubt and fear she never lost her faith. She never lost who she was as a mother, a sister, a cousin, a grandma, a daughter of God. Her love and faith remained strong the whole way through. I call that a victory! Those who know my mama know she has always had a fierce determination to rise up and be counted as a believer. And that she did!

A week ago we held her funeral and put her body to rest next to my dads. The last week or so has been surreal. None of this feels like it really happened. Occasionally a memory will rush back to me and with it comes emotion, shock. This is reality. With that reality comes the impression that I need to share who my mom was and is. I need to share my testimony that she lives, that death is not the end! I need to share experiences that I've had that have taught me that although awful, bad things happen sometimes to good people, God is real. I have had so many special, sacred experiences these last nine months while caring for my mom. I know I need to write about some of them but I'm still trying to process and decipher what to share. Some things are too special to my siblings and I to ever share publicly.

Despite the pain I feel at the loss of her physical presence I feel a deep, intense peace inside my heart. Nearly every day of my life I have talked to my mom. She was my confidant, my counselor, my best friend. We would talk about a variety of things ranging from things as mundane as what we did that day to our deepest pains and heartfelt desires. Losing her is odd because the person who always helped me the most with this kind of thing was her. I would call her and cry and vent and cry some more. She always validated my feelings and knew exactly what to say to motivate and empower me. In fact, it was she who gave me the words: stronger, braver, fearless as my mantra! I find myself now in a position where I am once again at a crossroads. My whole life was about caring for my mom these last nine months and of course my kids as well. Now I have to create a new life for my kids and I. I don't know exactly what that looks like and that can be terrifying but I have an idea and hope for the future. I don't regret the decision to drop everything and care for her in the least. Besides my decision to become a mother, choosing to care for her was the best thing I have ever done!!! I have now experienced a different, deeper kind of love than I ever thought possible. I am grateful to have experienced that kind of sacred, selfless, eternal love! Every pain I feel at her loss is matched with an equal amount of gratitude. Gratitude for that time. I never in my wildest dreams envisioned myself being an "orphan" before I was thirty but I don't feel that way. I feel so grateful for the parents I have, for the time I had with each of them before they were called home. I have been blessed to have had noble and loving parents. With that gratitude comes peace, I feel their love every day of my life. They are still here with me, in all that I do. I read my moms journal this week and I realized that she also lives on in me. She gave me the best qualities about her. Because of her example I have her strength, her ability to love, her sense of humor, and an unwavering dedication to family and Heavenly Father. I don't necessarily think I'm amazing but she was and through her constant example she has given me the ability to develop those same qualities. They are in me and because of her I will rise up and be counted as she lives on through me. So even though I want to call her and ask for her advice, "What do I do next?", I know what she would say. "you can do hard things", "gird up your loins and fresh courage take", "the gospel isn't for wimps", "put one foot in front of the other", "move forward with faith", "I believe in you and you will rise up to meet what life has handed you", "just do this day", and most importantly, "I love you, you can do this!". Sometimes the grief and fear is debilitating but then I think about her life and the things she overcame and the words of advice she would have for me and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that although the road will be challenging and overwhelming at times, I will succeed!!! I will know true joy and happiness can be found even in the most difficult times. I choose light, I choose happy, I choose to believe, and I will rise!

Kathleen Abrams Ewell was a lot of things in this life: a daughter, a sister, an actress, a nurturer, a granddaughter, a cousin, a poetess, a teacher, a "ding-a-ling", a friend, a comedian, a devoted wife, a superb mother, and most importantly, she was a believer!

Truth Time : My Biggest Secrets and Fears.

   Self esteem. I have been debating about whether or not to blog about this particular topic for a while. Honestly it has been something I have struggled with on and off throughout my life. I knew that blogging about it meant being completely vulnerable and even bringing to light some things I'm ashamed of. I have had this nagging feeling all morning that I needed to sit down and blog about it. It is a very real issue that A LOT of people struggle with.
    Time to get real. I've told ya'll that I'm not perfect and this experience that I'm about to share is exhibit A. I'm highly embarrassed to share it but I do think it could be of some worth and value to someone so here goes nothing.
    Once I started thinking about the possibility of having another relationship someday I began to start feeling incredibly insecure. The thoughts in my head went a little like this,  "I am this 28 year old mom with 4 kids already who has no job and no college education. I am not nearly as fit and in shape as I'd like to be. What man would be attracted to me?" Then I made the worst decision I've made during this process: I joined a popular dating app. One of those swipe left or right if you think this person is attractive things. My intention was NEVER to find someone to date or even flirt with. My sole reason for joining it was solely because I was insecure and I wanted to know if men even thought I was attractive. (Seriously I am so humiliated). No matter what my intention was it was a DUMB thing to do especially while still technically married. I never met any of these guys or had a relationship with them. I had a couple of them who tried to get me to meet them but I realized that I was in jeopardy of seriously violating my temple covenants and I was not okay with that. It didn't take me long to delete the account and I've never looked back. My point though is, why did I feel the need to be validated from men solely based on my looks, so much so, that I made a choice that was very contrary to my personal integrity? When did what men thought of me become more important than my values? It was a real eye opener for me.
   As a teenager I fell in love for the first time with an older boy. We talked about all kinds of spiritual things and I felt he really valued me as a daughter of God. He went on a mission and wrote me faithfully every single week for 2 years. I was certain I was going to marry him. I didn't. My dad died and I was dealing with stuff when he got home and he had his own personal stuff to sort through. One day I got a phone call and he admitted to me that he had chosen a different path for himself. He was no longer active in church and wasted no time finding another girl that was the opposite of me in every way. I was devastated! It rocked my self esteem to the core. How could he love me and say all of those things and then one day, just like that, not anymore? Even more confusing to me how could he have such an amazing testimony and then just lose it in a matter of weeks? I felt so rejected, he knew everything in my heart and ultimately chose something else.
   Fast forward to my relationship with Nic and the abuse. 1. When does anyone ever feel good about themselves when the person you love chooses pornography or some other perversion? 2. You begin to wonder if you weren't enough. Were you not attractive enough? Was there something wrong with what you were doing in the relationship? 3. Why didn't Nic love me and our life we had created enough to fight harder against his temptations?  I felt like I had been rejected not once, but twice by the only two men I had ever loved romantically. My self esteem was completely tanked for a while there.
  I knew if I was ever going to have the kind of relationship I really wanted that I needed to fix my self esteem on my own. Me, not a man. I've found that as I've delved deeper into the gospel that I've found my self esteem. My worth is not defined by how many heads I turn but from simply being Heavenly Father's daughter. It is a concept I always knew and was familiar with. A concept I had even taught in Young Women's and yet I hadn't received it to be true in my heart. I've spent hours praying to become who He would have me be. I've poured my soul out to Him about all of my insecurities. It wasn't until I made it a personal matter of prayer that I gained that knowledge in my heart. I have learned for myself that neither one of my relationships ending had anything to do with me not being good enough. I have always been worthy of love. And it certainly had nothing to do with my appearance. I think as women we far too often place our value ,unintentionally, in our appearance. Do I try to look nice? yes. Do I want to be healthy and fit? yes. However, those things are not who I am. They are not my identity! You want to know who I am, read this blog from start to finish. I am a Daughter of a Heavenly Father and that alone is enough! I have literally knelt down in prayer to Him and begged Him to help me see that being His daughter is where my self esteem should come from. I have pleaded with Him to help me be content with myself. I have asked that if it should be in His plan for me that He will direct me to a man who sees my heart and finds my heart more beautiful than my face. I don't want to be loved because I'm pretty. I don't want to be loved for any one trait.  I want to be loved because of all the unique qualities and talents He has blessed me with. I want to be loved because of what I have to give. I want to be loved because I am doing my very best to be a valiant daughter of a King!
   Since I have discovered my self esteem I have even viewed men differently. So they're good looking, so what? What do they have in their heart? Are they good and kind? I have begun to be so much more respectful of men and I no longer lust after celebrities the way I once did. (again embarrassed). I used to feel such a boost when I noticed someone checking me out. I still see heads turn now and again but I really don't care. I am so much more than my physical appearance, whether its good or bad! I do believe there has to be some sort of initial mutual attraction to start a relationship but that attraction doesn't always come from being classically good looking. What I find attractive is confidence and the light of Christ in their eyes. I was telling my YW on Sunday that you need to become what you want to attract. I want a man who is confident in His identity as a Son of God and has a personal relationship with Him so I need that to be where my confidence comes from. I have always had a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. What I lacked was the ability to see past certain experiences in my life and identify my worth solely in His love for me.
   I sure hope this helps someone otherwise I have completely exposed my darkest secrets and fears to the world for naught. Haha! Now that I've written it for literally anyone to read I have a sense of peace. I am who I am, I've been where I've been, and nothing is going to stop me from continuing to progress even closer to my Savior. There's no fear in the past only faith in the future.  I plead with anyone who is struggling with their self worth to turn to the Savior! I know the feeling of insecurity and self doubt all too well and it hurts me to think of others feeling that way. Please don't sell yourself short! You are so much more than a swipe left or right! You are more than the amount of head nods you do or don't get! You are more than the size of jeans you fit in! You are more than all of the things doubt and depression tells you that you are or aren't! Don't define yourself by your fears! Define yourself as a Child of God! The amazing thing about defining yourself that way is that there are no more comparisons. When you find your worth as a Child of God then you realize you are neither above or below anyone!!! We are all the same! All of us are equally loved and our worth doesn't change because of any one choice we have made or any choice we will make! Nothing that has ever happened to you can make you unlovable to Heavenly Father! Place your personal self esteem in the Savior and you can't go wrong!
  

You know I love me some Pinterest quotes ya'll!

One just for the men. I tend to direct most of my posts towards women.

 

Real Beauty

   There was a period of time where I felt like my problems were so big that it was all consuming. I didn't think about others very much. I wasn't trying to be selfish but I was living in a bubble. I thought I was being a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. but my eyes weren't even really open to other people's problems. Luckily I had a few people call me out on it. Yes my problems were quite large and overwhelming but that didn't diminish anyone else's problems. No matter how big or small, the hard things they were going through were just as important as the hard things I was going through. It was a hard reality check for me. Sometimes I'm still not sure if I'm totally aware of those around me. I am doing my best to try to be more sensitive to those around me. I think that is part of the reason I needed this blog.
    Since starting this blog so many of you have shared your hardships with me. Some of you are vague and simply say you're struggling with something and some of you tell me everything. You all have given me strength by sharing with me. I am amazed at the things you have gone through and are going through and I would never have guessed. You all seem so happy and full of light. I'm sorry if this seems out of line and is offensive to some of you but I find your stories and your pain beautiful. It is beautiful that you are still so happy or are even trying to be happy. It is beautiful because it made you exactly the way you are. It is beautiful because you have triumphed and are triumphing. We all love a good story of perseverance and victory over hardship. This is no movie, this is real life. Real problems. Real people. Real strength. Real beauty. No matter how big or small the choice you made to fight is, even if it just means getting out of bed in the morning when you don't think you can, it is inspiring. So many of you are finding joy IN your pain. Not after it's over but in the thick of it. Keep going!! Keep moving forward! Don't you EVER give up!!! I am so in awe of all of you and the hard battles you fight that no one knows about. I feel privileged that you feel comfortable with me to share these stories. They make me stronger and inspire me to be that much better! I have so much respect for you all! Truly even my problems are put into perspective. The world doesn't revolve around me and I really feel that Heavenly Father has given me a wonderful opportunity to grow through you guys and this blog. So thank you for sharing with me! Thank you for sharing my blog with others and for every comment and "like" you give me! It means so much to me! Real beauty isn't how skinny you are, how perfect your complexion is, or how cute your hair looks. Real beauty is every single time you share your goodness with others. It's every single time you fight to embrace light. It's all of the tears you've shed waiting for the light to come. It's the smile on your face even when your world is falling apart. It's living your life with purpose and knowing that you matter. You are the definition of beauty to me.
   With that being said please don't ever forget your worth and never be afraid to ask someone for help. Sometimes you have to reach out to someone and borrow their strength for a little while until you get stronger. That's okay. I've done it many times. Daily we should be kneeling in prayer and asking Heavenly Father for some of His strength. We can't always do it all, that's why we have each other and prayer. I have found that most people are more than willing to lend a hand and it has truly humbled me. I don't like asking for help, in fact I despise it. I have had to ask for help more times than I can count in the last few months and guess what? It didn't kill me! In fact it made me a better person to be vulnerable and allow others to serve me. I only hope I can one day give as much as I've received. And for those of you who are like me; knowing when you need help and asking for it is beautiful! It takes courage to open up to someone and admit you need help. It can be really challenging for some of us. I so desperately want to be self- reliant and independent and do things all on my own. Right now it's not in the cards for me but I'm working to get there and until then I have to swallow my pride and remember that one day I will be there and then it will be my turn to help someone else.
   These last few months I have done things I would never even have imagined I would ever do. I have done more hard things in this short period of time than I probably did in the last 5 years. My world has been turned upside down. I am getting a divorce. I am a single parent of four kids ages 8 and under. I'm trying to go back to work after very little experience working and 7 years of being a stay at home mom. I will more than likely have to move and leave my ward behind. I'm starting school again in the fall after 10 years away. I'm constantly having to adjust my parenting to be a  better parent as my kids are going through a difficult time and I am the only parent they have, and I have virtually no money in my checking account. I think I've blown the roof off of my stress level and yet I don't feel that stressed and I wouldn't change it for my sake. I am getting stronger and I can see myself becoming more and more like the person I always knew I could be. What I've been through and where I am today makes me who I am. My pain makes me beautiful just as yours makes you beautiful to me. I like myself more now than I did a year ago when I didn't have all of those added stresses and pressures.
   I can't talk about beauty without mentioning my daughter. She is very physically beautiful but what gets me is the insane level of inner beauty she possesses. I have watched this little girl choose light before I was even ready to. You would think in this scenario that she would need my help more but it has actually been the opposite. She has been an example of Christ like love unlike any other I have ever known. The way she lives her life and carries herself with so much joy is amazing. She has been helping her brothers process all of the changes and sadness they feel. Her light never left. Here is this eight year old girl who is the direct victim of abuse, who has been betrayed by someone she trusted, and on top of it all forced to do all kinds of adult things and she is the voice of hope and forgiveness in our home. What on earth did I ever do to be worthy enough to be called her mother? I am in awe of her. Without even comprehending what stronger, braver, and fearless really mean she completely embodies them. She is a precious gift to me. I look up to her.

   Love yourself and let hardships make you better. When you get knocked down get back up swinging. Be a fighter. Fight for your life and what you want it to be. I think that 's why I like myself better now. I respect myself more. I didn't even know I was capable of being this brave, strong, or fearless. Nic has a good friend that would always tell him, "tough times don't last, tough people do". I want to end on that note. You can do anything! I promise you will surprise yourself with your own strength as you start to believe that. Once again thank you for sharing your beauty with me!