Cold, Hard, Ugly Truth

So here it is, the cold, hard, ugly truth; the real reason I haven't felt like keeping up on my blog is I am afraid of being vulnerable. Somewhere along the way I distorted things in my head and began to feel like I could only write when I was feeling strong or when I had answers or insights that might help others. I had to be inspiring and I wasn't feeling inspired. The truth is I haven't felt strong in a very long time. I think I am more like my mom than I even realized. She was notorious for responding with, "I'm okay" when she really wasn't. In fact, if she said those words we knew she really wasn't. The truth is I'm not always okay and that is okay. The truth is I don't have all the answers or even a handful of them. The truth is my faith is being tested. The truth is I have good days and bad days. The truth is I still have breakdowns once in a while.

Today we sold my mom's house. I went to the title company and picked up a pen and signed my name in all the right places. Except, they weren't really the right places because I shouldn't have had to sign my name at all. Those documents shouldn't have even existed. A sign should never have been stuck in her yard. She should never have gotten sick. She should still be alive! I have had so many conflicting feelings as I process all of the changes that have taken place. I am still having trouble accepting her death. This is grief. These are the emotions people deal with after the funeral is over and everyone has gone home. Life goes on and we're expected to move on with it. I'm trying. Some days it's literally putting one foot in front of the other.

As quickly as negative thoughts come, they are replaced with thoughts of gratitude. "Thank you God for letting me care for her! Thank you God for letting her be my mother! Thank you God for her life and the impact it has had on mine." In the end the gratitude always wins out. I would go through all of the pain a thousand times over for the opportunity to serve her again! For me, love and gratitude will always conquer hate and pain. 

That being said, in the months following her death I have started 17 different blog posts attempting to express my feelings only to stop a few sentences in. Grief is complicated and I've been ashamed that I don't have it all together. "Where is my faith?", "Do I or do I not believe I'll see her again?", "How could God do this to our family?" "I have been doing all the right things, I am a good person and this is how God repays me?", "Haven't we suffered enough?", "Forget about me, how could God do this to my kids?" Even now knowing that these thoughts are a normal part of grief I still feel guilty for having thought them. I have screamed and cursed God's name more times than I care to admit as I wept in a blind rage that my mom, my best friend in the entire world was taken from me too soon. Then came the shame... I KNOW the truth! I have seen miracles firsthand in my life. I CANNOT deny God's existence nor His love for me and yet when my mom passed away I wondered why He didn't care about me. I wondered where He was when I needed Him. After all we had already lost this didn't feel like love. If He was real and could really see me than why did I continue to hurt so much? Why couldn't He throw me a bone and give me a break? I found myself feeling certain I could not write about these thoughts because they were too dark, too moody and who would they help? No, I would have to process the feelings of anger and abandonment silently and privately.

So why am I writing about those feelings now? I'm still not on the other side of this trial. I guess the answer is the same reason I started this blog in the very first place. I want to help someone, even if it's just one person. Hiding my true feelings and brushing them under the rug so that I appear like I'm doing okay doesn't help anybody. Life isn't a perfect package and grief isn't something we can orchestrate. I am making gains with my happiness. I feel myself slowly healing and progressing towards the happiness I know will be mine. Despite the sadness, I have never stopped laughing even when my heart feels heaviest. Most people around me probably had no idea how much I was hurting. I wasn't faking laughter or forcing happiness it just wasn't lasting joy. The moment I was alone with my thoughts I would feel depressed again. I know based on previous experience with losing my dad that one day I'll find that my heart feels light again and laughter fills my soul, not just the moment I'm in. I think I'm over the darkest part of it now, for the first time in a while I feel hope. I want to share that hope with others. I want those that are grieving and possibly thinking some of the same thoughts that I have felt so ashamed of to know that they are not alone! God hasn't abandoned us no matter how much it feels that way (more to come on this later). Today is an important step for me because I'm choosing to be open again, I'm choosing to be vulnerable. Today I choose to be honest and admit I still have fears and doubts. Ironically admitting those fears and doubts is precisely what makes me grow stronger and feel braver. Remembering that I have a Savior who atoned for my pain, my fear, and my shame is the first step to becoming fearless!

Kathleen Abrams Ewell, A Believer

I'm not sure this post will make any sense. It is most likely going to be a jumbled mess of my thoughts and feelings. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I know I just need to get them out somehow. I don't know how to write about such tender things while it is still so fresh but feel it is important to do so. I have written quite a bit in my journal but feel the need to share some of these thoughts with others. My mom was one of my biggest supporters of this blog and I know she would want me to share some of these things if it might benefit someone. I still feel so amazed and humbled that what I have to say makes a difference in the lives of others. I feel so normal, so ordinary, but perhaps that is where my power is. I can help others because I'm normal and ordinary and I have been blessed with the courage to share. So with a little apprehension I am once again going to be vulnerable and share with y'all another piece of my heart. I'm going to share some of my grief with you. I'm going to share one of the most valuable things to me with you, my mama.

On July 13th at 3:01 a.m. my dad came to take my sweet mama home and end her mortal suffering. It was a beautiful and tender blessing to hold her hand and feel her heart beat its last few beats. The love that was in that room with my siblings and I surrounding her bed as she left this life is something that cannot ever be described by words we have here in this life. Her nine month battle with stage 4 lung cancer tested and tried her to her limits in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically she fought EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Some would say the cancer won, I have even said she lost her battle but as I look back now I realize I was wrong. Despite extreme pain and moments of doubt and fear she never lost her faith. She never lost who she was as a mother, a sister, a cousin, a grandma, a daughter of God. Her love and faith remained strong the whole way through. I call that a victory! Those who know my mama know she has always had a fierce determination to rise up and be counted as a believer. And that she did!

A week ago we held her funeral and put her body to rest next to my dads. The last week or so has been surreal. None of this feels like it really happened. Occasionally a memory will rush back to me and with it comes emotion, shock. This is reality. With that reality comes the impression that I need to share who my mom was and is. I need to share my testimony that she lives, that death is not the end! I need to share experiences that I've had that have taught me that although awful, bad things happen sometimes to good people, God is real. I have had so many special, sacred experiences these last nine months while caring for my mom. I know I need to write about some of them but I'm still trying to process and decipher what to share. Some things are too special to my siblings and I to ever share publicly.

Despite the pain I feel at the loss of her physical presence I feel a deep, intense peace inside my heart. Nearly every day of my life I have talked to my mom. She was my confidant, my counselor, my best friend. We would talk about a variety of things ranging from things as mundane as what we did that day to our deepest pains and heartfelt desires. Losing her is odd because the person who always helped me the most with this kind of thing was her. I would call her and cry and vent and cry some more. She always validated my feelings and knew exactly what to say to motivate and empower me. In fact, it was she who gave me the words: stronger, braver, fearless as my mantra! I find myself now in a position where I am once again at a crossroads. My whole life was about caring for my mom these last nine months and of course my kids as well. Now I have to create a new life for my kids and I. I don't know exactly what that looks like and that can be terrifying but I have an idea and hope for the future. I don't regret the decision to drop everything and care for her in the least. Besides my decision to become a mother, choosing to care for her was the best thing I have ever done!!! I have now experienced a different, deeper kind of love than I ever thought possible. I am grateful to have experienced that kind of sacred, selfless, eternal love! Every pain I feel at her loss is matched with an equal amount of gratitude. Gratitude for that time. I never in my wildest dreams envisioned myself being an "orphan" before I was thirty but I don't feel that way. I feel so grateful for the parents I have, for the time I had with each of them before they were called home. I have been blessed to have had noble and loving parents. With that gratitude comes peace, I feel their love every day of my life. They are still here with me, in all that I do. I read my moms journal this week and I realized that she also lives on in me. She gave me the best qualities about her. Because of her example I have her strength, her ability to love, her sense of humor, and an unwavering dedication to family and Heavenly Father. I don't necessarily think I'm amazing but she was and through her constant example she has given me the ability to develop those same qualities. They are in me and because of her I will rise up and be counted as she lives on through me. So even though I want to call her and ask for her advice, "What do I do next?", I know what she would say. "you can do hard things", "gird up your loins and fresh courage take", "the gospel isn't for wimps", "put one foot in front of the other", "move forward with faith", "I believe in you and you will rise up to meet what life has handed you", "just do this day", and most importantly, "I love you, you can do this!". Sometimes the grief and fear is debilitating but then I think about her life and the things she overcame and the words of advice she would have for me and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that although the road will be challenging and overwhelming at times, I will succeed!!! I will know true joy and happiness can be found even in the most difficult times. I choose light, I choose happy, I choose to believe, and I will rise!

Kathleen Abrams Ewell was a lot of things in this life: a daughter, a sister, an actress, a nurturer, a granddaughter, a cousin, a poetess, a teacher, a "ding-a-ling", a friend, a comedian, a devoted wife, a superb mother, and most importantly, she was a believer!

All That Matters

Many times I've sat down and attempted to write over the last couple of months and nothing seems to come out the way I want it to. My mom has fought long and hard to keep her cancer at bay and it has become evident the last couple of months that it's not a battle she is going to win. How do I accurately convey my life the last couple of months? How can I possibly describe the intensity of the love that I have felt? I can't. There are no words adequate enough to describe the ache I feel every time I see her wince with pain. There are no words that can describe the sorrow I feel when she looks at me with tears in her eyes because she doesn't know where she is. There are no words sufficient to explain how much it kills me to watch her suffer in so many ways and I can't take it away from her. It is the most heart wrenching thing I've ever experienced to watch her body slowly give up on her. To watch my vibrant, positive, active, strong mother become weak and helpless. So why do I do it? Why do I keep caring for her even though it's breaking my heart? Why did I decide to stay home and care for her full time when there is no paycheck? The answer is so simple; LOVE. It's all about love. Period. There are nights when I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted and the tears won't stop and I wish this wasn't real and there are nights when I'm scared to death of how much I'm going to miss her. Sometimes I think the pain is more than I can bear and then I remember that love is so much stronger than pain and fear. Love takes over and my personal concerns for myself don't seem to matter anymore. I look into her big blue eyes and I know there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. She is worth it! Then I feel the sweet love of our Savior, Heavenly Father, and Heavenly Mother and I know I will never regret loving her this way. There is no pain that can equal the love I feel. I am so grateful for that sweet love that reinforces my faith in life after death. There are so many family members and dear friends waiting with joyous anticipation to embrace my faithful mother and envelop her with their love. What a sweet reunion she will have! After all she has done for me, surely the least I could do is help her through this last difficult chapter of her life and get her home.

In my last post I wrote to my mom that her kids would love her through this horrific plague that is cancer. I haven't been able to write since then because we have been too busy loving her through it. Mom, you're almost done. You've lived a good life. You've taught us well. You have loved us unconditionally. We love you more than any words could ever possibly convey. Our love for you is deeper than this mortal life. Our love for you is eternal!

                                                    Loving Her Through It:

 

                                                 

         

The whole purpose, the reason for it all is love. It all comes back to love. That's what matters. 

Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

Which Part is Mine?

Healing from a tragedy takes time and often during the healing process we experience some sort of a trigger or a backslide. It had been over a year since that horrible day CPS and a detective showed up at my door when my little family experienced a major backslide emotionally.

It was the end of a long day with the kids and I was feeling strung out, overworked, and frazzled. It had been a tough week with the kids and I had been facing parenting difficulties with them that I didn't know how to tackle alone as a single parent.  It seemed that thing after thing was piling up and my load felt heavy. I was struggling to balance the needs my mom had with the needs of my four kids and I felt like I had let everyone down. I felt like a failure. Nevertheless, the dishes needed to be done one more time. The youngest was still in his high chair finishing up and the other kids were watching a cartoon in the other room while I diligently forced myself to finish the dishes. What happened next has happened many times before, in many homes and many families, and will continue to happen, I'm certain; the baby threw his bowl on the floor. I don't even remember what we ate that night what I do remember is that whatever it was splattered everywhere making a giant mess and creating one more thing I needed to do. I snapped, blind rage came over me and I threw the rag and dish back into the sink and immediately burst into tears. Then I proceeded to exclaim in between sobs, "Why? Just Why? I can't do it anymore! I quit! Nobody helps me! I'm all alone and it's too much! I'm done!"

I had made quite the scene and attracted the attention of the older three kids. They were staring at me with wide, tear filled eyes. My daughter walked over and put her little arms around my waist and then burst into tears of her own. "I miss daddy! I think I might have said something about him and now he's in trouble and can't be with us." What was happening?!? This was supposed to be my turn to tantrum and I thought she had worked through most of these feelings in counseling. I had triggered these feelings to come forward for her again. Guilt washed over me and I felt so discouraged that we were back to this place again. I needed to fix this, I led her to her room so we could talk without upsetting the little boys. I put my arms around her and prayed silently for strength to comfort her, to say the right things. I didn't feel worthy to be the one caring for her. I knew she deserved comfort and help and unfortunately I was all she had in that moment. I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for losing my cool and prayed that somehow I would know what to do.

"Just love her, let her cry, show her your pain and vulnerability".

So we cried. I held her and we just sobbed. Then the words started to flow from me, "I know baby, I know you miss daddy. It's not fair. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. I'm so sorry! I wanted childhood to be easier for you. Simple. It's not fair. This is not your fault. You are a brave little girl."

At some point my oldest son came in and started rubbing both of our backs. My SIX YEAR OLD was giving us comfort! My heart broke that he felt so much responsibility to do so at such a young age but it also surged with pride that he was so compassionate. I pulled the two of them in for a group hug and asked them if they thought it would be a good idea to say a prayer. They both nodded their heads so we knelt in prayer. Tears streamed down all of our cheeks as we prayed for comfort and we prayed for Nic, that he might know how much they still loved him and that he might truly repent so that he could see them again someday. In my heart I prayed that he might really see how special they are and how much he hurt them so that he can make it right someday and they might find peace regardless of his actions. (Again, I will NEVER put my children in a compromising situation. I won't force them to have a relationship with him ever. I believe they will each have their own journey in finding peace with him. I simply am hoping for him to work on fixing himself enough to try and do all that he can to help them heal and give them the kind of relationship they think they want with him in the future.)

That moment of prayer with my two oldest kids, although painful, bonded us even deeper. I felt the spirit so strongly testifying to me that I was doing enough. I was teaching them that sometimes we make mistakes and we don't always know the answer. I was teaching them to turn to the one person who did have the answers, their Heavenly Father. I was teaching them that it is okay to be sad sometimes. I was teaching them how to give comfort to others. I was doing better than I thought. So much love filled that little room where the three of us knelt in prayer.

That night when saying my personal prayers my heart was full of gratitude for His love and divine help raising His children. I might be a full time single mom but I am not raising my kids alone! Heavenly Father would always be there to fill in the gaps I am missing. What could have been a major setback for us turned into something that made us more unified and stronger as a family. Our backslide turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

As I've reflected back on that experience a song from Michael McLean comes to mind.



"Which Part is Mine?"

She was only a dairy man's daughter,
she was only a child of thirteen;
but the stars on the radio brightened her nights with a dream.
So she called up her best girlfriend Jenny
'cause she thought they would make quite a pair,
She said, "Let's you and me, try to sing harmony
at the amateur night at the fair."

But she only had the range of an alto,
so the part she knew best went to her friend.
And when Jenny's soprano drowned out the piano
they'd have to start over again.
And the dairyman's daughter would then say,

"Which part is mine?
and Jen, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time;
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
So please help me learn which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

She grew up and got married to Bobby
kept him working on his MBA
they had two little redheaded children,
and one on the way.

Everybody said she could work wonders,
and she wondered what everyone meant.
She played so many roles, it was taking its toll
and she feared that her time was misspent.

So she opened her heart to her husband.
They discussed everything on her list.
from the kids, to the job,
to her feelings for her Bob.
But what it really boiled down to was this: She said:

"Which part is mine?
and Bob, which part is yours?
Let's review it one more time;
I guess I"m not sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before
if we just define which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

Every sleepless night knows many mothers
who are wond'ring if they've done alright.
And the dairyman's daughter knew
more than a few of those nights.

Had she given her son too much freedom?
Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough
to prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens
and she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed
that her kids would be saved had a very familiar refrain.

Which part is mine?
And God, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
But it gets so confusing some times.
Should I do more, or trust the divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine,
and which part is yours.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
and to feel you near me.
It's all the answer
that I've been longing for.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
and to feel you near me.
after I've done my best,
I know you'll do the rest.
It is the answer that I've been longing for!


I had forgotten to play just my part. I had been trying to do it all because I thought I was the only one there was to do it all. I had forgotten about Heavenly Father's part! As a single parent I blurred the lines and it was easy for me to take ownership of more responsibility than I really needed to. I didn't have to be a perfect parent to make up for the parent they were missing. I just needed to do my best to love them the way only I can. My favorite part of that whole song is the line that goes, "after I've done my best, I know you'll do the rest." So much comfort flooded my heart when I realized I just have to do my best and that is enough. When I've done my part Heavenly Father will do the rest! I have spent many nights praying and wondering if I was enough to raise these four kids. Praying a good man would come along and help me, thinking if he didn't I wouldn't be able to successfully raise these kids alone. Now I know being a single parent does NOT mean I am raising them alone! I have faith that if I never remarry, or even if I do for that matter, that after I've done my best, He will do the rest!

Raising kids will undoubtedly be harder than I can even imagine. You never know the temptations and trials that they will face. They have already experienced very challenging things at such a young age. I'm certain it will be the hardest thing I ever do if I do it well. I don't know what their futures look like but I'm choosing to have faith that even when it doesn't seem like it, my faith and love combined with Heavenly Father's will work in their favor even when I can't see it. 

365 Days

This last Saturday marked 365 days since my daughter told a little girl at school a secret. 365 days since a detective and a social worker knocked on my door. 365 days since I received the awful news that my husband was sexually abusing our daughter. 365 days since I last woke up in the same bed as him. 365 days since my family was ripped apart by an illness, a perversion. It's been 365 days since I was a devoted wife. 365 days of grief. 365 days of tears. 365 days of taking deep breaths. 365 days of exhaustion. 365 days of growing and stretching. 365 days of rising up when I felt I couldn't. 365 of putting one foot in front of the other. 365 days of choosing and actively fighting for happiness.

How I got here, to the year mark, is miraculous. I have fought, prayed, sobbed, and clawed my way through this last year. In one years time I learned that my husband was abusing our daughter. I have soothed crying kiddos MANY times, I, personally, obtained evidence to protect my kids. I've gone to court where my husband was sentenced to 5 yrs prison time. I have gotten divorced. I have become a full time single parent. I have moved my little family to a different state, I have sold my home, I have found out my mom had lung cancer. I have watched my mom have a stroke and I have become a caregiver. If you would have told me on January 22, 2015 I would experience all of this I would not have believed you. I would not believe that I could handle it.

Here I am one year later and I have learned so many things but perhaps the most valuable thing I've learned is that I'm never done learning. I will master one obstacle and in hindsight think to myself, "I can see why I was supposed to go through that, I was supposed to learn from it. Okay good, I'm glad I learned that and now it's over." That's usually when life says, "guess again Celeste, I'm not done with you yet" and wa-bam, I am slammed with another obstacle (just think how wise I'm getting haha). One hurdle at a time I am learning different virtues that are slowly refining me to become more like our Savior.

So one year later and I can honestly say I am a much different person today than I was a year ago. I am so much braver than I ever knew. I am more independent than I ever thought I was capable of being. I am stronger, wiser, and more fearless. I have learned to be more humble and faithful. I have had SO MANY reasons to be more grateful on a daily basis. I have met so many incredible people and my relationships and friendships with others have gotten deeper. I have learned how to listen to the promptings of the spirit more effectively. I am not sure I would say I'm happier in the classic definition of the word but I am more content with myself. I know what I'm made of now and I'm proud of what I've not only survived but that I've allowed it to soften and teach me. It has been a choice to let my difficulties make me better not bitter. I have most definitely had bitter moments which is exactly why I'm proud of myself for where I am today.

365 days of healing. 365 days of turning towards the Savior because I could not do it alone. 365 days of allowing the atonement to work in my life. 365 days of forgiving others but more importantly forgiving and being patient with myself. 365 days and my little family is still broken in some ways. 365 days and we are still experiencing some pain and heartbreak. 365 days and it's not over, I will keep growing, keep learning and trials will continue to come. 365 days and I know that He doesn't always take away our trials but He will comfort us and give us strength to get through them if we will turn to Him. 365 days of tender mercies to help me carry on. 365 days of smiling even if some of those smiles have been through tears. 365 days of learning to have joy and laughter no matter how difficult my life is at the time. 365 days and I know now more than ever before that Christ is the source of all light, comfort, and truth! 365 days I have seen absolute and complete miracles; miracles that have made it so that I can never deny that there is a God and that His hand is actively involved in my life. 365 days and I move forward into the future with confidence knowing that my God is with me no matter what may come.

I. AM. STILL. HERE.

The last few months have been brutal. After discovering my mom's cancer I have slowly but surely sunk into depression. The pain and the fear I feel makes me ache to have someone to comfort me. Part of me went into shock and I haven't always thought rationally. A piece of me so desperately kept seeking out a relationship because she worries so much about me and I don't want her to have to leave this world without knowing I'm happily married. It's crazy, its irrational, but it's grief. I put the kids to bed and I'm left with my heavy thoughts and a loneliness unlike anything I've ever experienced sets in. Logically I know that I have to heal myself. Logically I know that the atonement is the only way to do that but I look at happy couples helping each other through life and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling empty and like I don't matter deeply, on a daily basis to someone other than my kids. So mostly I have been coping by ignoring my problems or trying to distract myself. I have been running from and trying to block my pain because I fear that if I truly feel it, it will be too much to handle. I've shut out friends and turned inward. It has been and is a very dark and unhealthy place to be. I have continued to say my prayers, read my scriptures, and act like everything is fine but I have been only going through the motions not really feeling anything. Going through life hollow and desperate for someone or something to fill me up again. Paralyzed by fear and pain.

Last night I was woken up at 1:43 am by the buzzing sound of my phone on the hard wood of my bedside table. In my efforts to distract myself or relieve some of my loneliness I have been casually texting/messaging a few lds guys  I don't want to make this about my love life or lack of but I do believe some background would be a little helpful. This guy that texted me last night, lets call him John. Anyway John and I had texted quite a bit back and forth one day about all kinds of things from music to our previous heart breaks. He seemed really nice and interested but it was too early to really tell. As time went on he became kind of withdrawn and to be honest I didn't really reach out either. Then last night I get this text:

"Hey I wanted to do the right thing

and kind of just let you know that 

I'm now seeing someone and have 

decided to date her exclusively. I 

hope you understand that it doesn't

have anything to do with a lack of 

interest in you. I honestly think you 

are an amazing woman and person. 

And I've wrestled with the idea of 

burning a bridge with you or potentially

hurting or disappointing you for a

while now. Ultimately though I feel

like it would be unfair to you to 

continue to pursue anything with 

you if I didn't have my whole heart

in it. 

I don't know how any of this sounds. 

I probably sound like an extremely 

pretentious douche. I am hoping that the

takeaway that you get from this is that

I respect you enough to be totally 

honest with you. I wouldn't do 

that if you're opinion of me didn't 

matter to me. But it does, because I 

know that you are a really strong, 

amazing person. And whoever you end

up with is going to be an extremely

lucky guy.

I hope you aren't upset by this, or 

that I have done anything that has

been hurtful to you or wrong in

any way. Please know that I am really

sorry and I assure you that that was 

never my intention. I really just want 

the best for you and your kids. You have

been through a hell of a lot, and I will 

honestly keep your family in my prayers. 

I don't think that I have come across 

anyone in the recent past that I feel is

more deserving of a happy life than you. 

And I honestly mean that. I meant everything 

I said. You are beautiful, you are sexy, and you

exude an extremely strong spirit. And I 

honestly respect that, and I am grateful to

have gotten to know you a little bit. "

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't really invested myself in this guy because we didn't know each other long. Yet for some reason tears were filling my eyes. I felt complimented and rejected all at the same time. It was really quite bizarre that I had been rejected by others that I was more interested or invested in and yet the way he phrased things I suddenly felt so very lonely. And for the first time in months I allowed myself to really feel all of the pain. I reread that text a few times and tried to process it before responding as graciously as I could. Thanking him for his honesty and wishing him all the luck and happiness in the world. After all he too had suffered and been lonely and deserved a little slice of joy. Then the sobs came and I found myself on my knees truly and sincerely praying to Heavenly Father once more the way I had so often in the past. I was finally feeling something again other than numbness. "Heavenly Father I don't understand why I'm having to do so many difficult things on my own, without a mate. I have always done my best to be faithful and I work so frickin hard to be happy and choose happiness every day of my life. For once I just want to naturally feel happy. I know I've been so immensely blessed and I feel like a brat for complaining but it's how I feel right now. I apologize for my very mortal mind that lacks patience and understanding for Thy will. I am aware that You know what I've been through. I know You haven't been blind to my pain as I've been told as much in a blessing. But so what? That doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling right now! I'm sorry for being ungrateful for not comprehending everything the way I probably should be but I don't understand. What is the point of all of this? Why am I continually faithful when I still hurt so much?" SILENCE and then, "I don't know what it is you want of me but I'm still here. I am still fighting, still trying, still believing. I have endured much, maybe not well, but I'm still here." At that point I began to sob repeatedly as if begging Him to see me, "I am still here, I am still here. I am still here." And then it gradually turned into a positive affirmation. "I am still here!" Finally it ended as a powerful statement, a warrior's battle cry. Each word distinct and deliberate. "I. AM. STILL. HERE!" As I rose from my knees I was weak and weary. I had exerted much emotional energy into that prayer. I silently cried tears of relief to be feeling something again and as I laid my head on my pillow I resolved to keep fighting the good fight. 

I'm not sure why that text was the trigger that finally humbled me to let down my walls again and be real with my Heavenly Father. Regardless I'm thankful for the way He works in my life, always knowing how to bring me back to Him. I'm thankful for "John's" honesty and that he acted and sent me that text when he did. Last night I realized something. I have experienced a lot of pain in my relatively short life, it could always be worse I know but as I look back on what I've been through it has been no easy feat. And yet by some miracle I am still here. I have survived the unthinkable and by the grace of God I am still here, a little worse for the wear in a few places but polished in others. As I said those words over and over again it felt like my heart was bleeding I realized that I will always still be here. There is a God given strength in me, that although I get discouraged and knocked down, refuses to give up. There still might be much pain and testing ahead of me but I will not let Satan win! I am not perfect, I'll make many mistakes but I will always come back. Why? It's simple really. I know and have felt the Savior's love and Heavenly Father's love and it is so sweet that I cannot deny it. I cannot stop fighting until I can feel of that love all the time. I imagine being reunited with Them and the feeling of sweet satisfaction as I honestly say, "I gave my all so that I might be at peace in Your presence." Sometimes my mortal and weak mind forgets what my spirit knows. Their love is so great that every hardship and trial I may experience will be obviously worth it once I am reunited with Them again! What a glorious day that will be and as for now as I stumble so imperfectly through life I find comfort in knowing that I'm still here. 

          I don't always feel like I have the ability to be strong anymore but I keep choosing to try to be. 

Walls

 

    Humor me and allow me to turn into a therapist for this post. This topic has been on my mind lately.
    Back in July I wrote about how excited I was to fall in love again. It is now nearly December and in just a brief window of single life I had started to become jaded. I started an online dating profile a while back, because honestly as a single mom of little kids how else am I going to gain any dating experience let alone find someone? (Side note: if you're going to lecture me about the dangers of online dating save your breath. I have a protective older brother that has already given me a LENGTHY and DETAILED education of what to look out for and he is prepared to do multiple background checks. Literally.) Anyway, it didn't take very long for reality to hit me square in the face. People are hurt and broken and walls are up. Different people put their walls up differently. Some people put up their walls by wanting only "hookups" with the mentality of, "if I don't really know you to care about you then I won't get hurt, right?" Others put up their walls by only talking about vague and non-personal things. They won't make any small chat about their lives. Some do really well and appear to be pretty open and then they freeze and retract again in fear. And then there are those that will only make small chat never going any deeper. When the walls are up even basic conversation is difficult. Everyone aches to be loved and find that special someone but few are truly open to the possibility of love. How does anyone expect to find love without even having a real conversation? I'm not even talking the complicated, deep stuff but simply a real conversation about their life, likes, and interests. Very few people are willing to carry on a dialogue. It's fairly simple; you ask a question, they answer, then they ask you a question, and so on and so forth. Every one is so afraid of getting hurt again that they even lose the ability to communicate effectively.
      Luckily for me, I'm not in a big hurry and I definitely don't feel any pressure to find someone right away.  I'm actually enjoying my time getting more comfortable and confident with who I am and I'm tapping even deeper into my unique identity as a daughter of God. I'm trying to get more comfortable with talking to men again and if a connection happens, it happens. Hurry or not, I find it so disheartening and depressing that so many people are afraid to be vulnerable. Their fear of vulnerability leaves things feeling a little one sided and then in turn I feel like I have to pull back a little. I don't want to be open if they're not going to be, otherwise I'm the one that gets hurt because I have more to lose. So then nobody is open, it's a vicious cycle. Everyone turns inward. Let me be clear, I'm not saying that we have to tell everyone everything, in fact we shouldn't! We should be selective with who we tell and what we tell (says the woman whose life is an open book because she blogs about it *cough cough* hypocrite*). What I'm saying is that if there is some mutual interest there and you feel good about the person don't hold back because of fear. I found myself doing that very thing. Even my mentality changed, instead of being more optimistic and kind I found myself feeling bitter and resentful. I hated feeling that way! I had an experience that woke me up to what I was doing and I realized that's not who I want to be. I don't care how many times my ego gets bruised, or I am left feeling disappointed, I refuse to be this closed off bitter person. I refuse to withdraw from relationships before I even give them a fair shot. I refuse to live my life in fear in any aspect, including my love life. Am I afraid? ABSOLUTELY!!! I have been burned and I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I am choosing to face my fears. Nothing worthwhile comes without a little risk and a little pain.
      It's okay to be afraid. It's a normal response after getting hurt. If you trip and fall on the stairs you're going to be a little more cautious and afraid next time you use the stairs (ask me I know). Fear is our body's way of protecting itself. What's not okay is to dwell in that fear. It would be ridiculous for me to never take a flight of stairs again because I stumbled once or twice. Fear can be a good thing but it can also hinder us if we're not careful. It's especially detrimental to us when we choose fear over faith. We must listen to promptings Heavenly Father gives us no matter how afraid we are or we might lose out on a wonderful blessing. It will be hard to choose faith, I guarantee it! Be patient with yourself and keep praying for help to overcome your fear. It might take a while to get there but allow the atonement to do its job and eventually you will get there.
      When we have been severely hurt in relationships, it can make it really scary for us to be vulnerable again. We may even feel emotionally paralyzed, completely incapable of being vulnerable. What I've realized is that the atonement is critical for me, even in my love life. I can get over my fears, I can heal, I can trust again because of the atonement. Although beneficial, no amount of therapy or self help books will do for me what the atonement of our Savior can. There is no pain in this life that the atonement doesn't cover!
      My life is crazy right now with everything going on with my mom and all of the things I have to do for my kiddos as a single parent. I'm okay with being single, in fact I actually kind or prefer it right now because my practical and limited mortal mind can't comprehend how a relationship would work at the moment. I'm also okay if Heavenly Father places someone in my life and tells me to pursue it. Again I am in no rush to get into a relationship but I will not push away something Heavenly Father wants for me because I don't think the timing is right or because I don't want to get hurt. I'm doing my best to live my life in general with the guidance of the spirit and trust in His plan for me. I try to listen to the promptings I get even if I think Heavenly Father has a screw loose once in a while. Sometimes He prompts me to do things and I think He must be crazy, there's no way I can do what He's asking of me. Doesn't He get that I'm done getting hurt? He does know. He knows my heart. He knows how broken I feel. He knows how much I doubt. He knows I ache. He knows I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. He knows what I need and what my kids need better than I do. I believe in His love and plan for me so strongly that I force myself to swallow my fear and be vulnerable when it feels right. I'm not perfect at everything I've written about but I keep striving to be open to the His plan for me. When something happens and my tender feelings get hurt I turn it over to Him in prayer and "move forward with faith".