Kathleen Abrams Ewell, A Believer

I'm not sure this post will make any sense. It is most likely going to be a jumbled mess of my thoughts and feelings. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I know I just need to get them out somehow. I don't know how to write about such tender things while it is still so fresh but feel it is important to do so. I have written quite a bit in my journal but feel the need to share some of these thoughts with others. My mom was one of my biggest supporters of this blog and I know she would want me to share some of these things if it might benefit someone. I still feel so amazed and humbled that what I have to say makes a difference in the lives of others. I feel so normal, so ordinary, but perhaps that is where my power is. I can help others because I'm normal and ordinary and I have been blessed with the courage to share. So with a little apprehension I am once again going to be vulnerable and share with y'all another piece of my heart. I'm going to share some of my grief with you. I'm going to share one of the most valuable things to me with you, my mama.

On July 13th at 3:01 a.m. my dad came to take my sweet mama home and end her mortal suffering. It was a beautiful and tender blessing to hold her hand and feel her heart beat its last few beats. The love that was in that room with my siblings and I surrounding her bed as she left this life is something that cannot ever be described by words we have here in this life. Her nine month battle with stage 4 lung cancer tested and tried her to her limits in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically she fought EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Some would say the cancer won, I have even said she lost her battle but as I look back now I realize I was wrong. Despite extreme pain and moments of doubt and fear she never lost her faith. She never lost who she was as a mother, a sister, a cousin, a grandma, a daughter of God. Her love and faith remained strong the whole way through. I call that a victory! Those who know my mama know she has always had a fierce determination to rise up and be counted as a believer. And that she did!

A week ago we held her funeral and put her body to rest next to my dads. The last week or so has been surreal. None of this feels like it really happened. Occasionally a memory will rush back to me and with it comes emotion, shock. This is reality. With that reality comes the impression that I need to share who my mom was and is. I need to share my testimony that she lives, that death is not the end! I need to share experiences that I've had that have taught me that although awful, bad things happen sometimes to good people, God is real. I have had so many special, sacred experiences these last nine months while caring for my mom. I know I need to write about some of them but I'm still trying to process and decipher what to share. Some things are too special to my siblings and I to ever share publicly.

Despite the pain I feel at the loss of her physical presence I feel a deep, intense peace inside my heart. Nearly every day of my life I have talked to my mom. She was my confidant, my counselor, my best friend. We would talk about a variety of things ranging from things as mundane as what we did that day to our deepest pains and heartfelt desires. Losing her is odd because the person who always helped me the most with this kind of thing was her. I would call her and cry and vent and cry some more. She always validated my feelings and knew exactly what to say to motivate and empower me. In fact, it was she who gave me the words: stronger, braver, fearless as my mantra! I find myself now in a position where I am once again at a crossroads. My whole life was about caring for my mom these last nine months and of course my kids as well. Now I have to create a new life for my kids and I. I don't know exactly what that looks like and that can be terrifying but I have an idea and hope for the future. I don't regret the decision to drop everything and care for her in the least. Besides my decision to become a mother, choosing to care for her was the best thing I have ever done!!! I have now experienced a different, deeper kind of love than I ever thought possible. I am grateful to have experienced that kind of sacred, selfless, eternal love! Every pain I feel at her loss is matched with an equal amount of gratitude. Gratitude for that time. I never in my wildest dreams envisioned myself being an "orphan" before I was thirty but I don't feel that way. I feel so grateful for the parents I have, for the time I had with each of them before they were called home. I have been blessed to have had noble and loving parents. With that gratitude comes peace, I feel their love every day of my life. They are still here with me, in all that I do. I read my moms journal this week and I realized that she also lives on in me. She gave me the best qualities about her. Because of her example I have her strength, her ability to love, her sense of humor, and an unwavering dedication to family and Heavenly Father. I don't necessarily think I'm amazing but she was and through her constant example she has given me the ability to develop those same qualities. They are in me and because of her I will rise up and be counted as she lives on through me. So even though I want to call her and ask for her advice, "What do I do next?", I know what she would say. "you can do hard things", "gird up your loins and fresh courage take", "the gospel isn't for wimps", "put one foot in front of the other", "move forward with faith", "I believe in you and you will rise up to meet what life has handed you", "just do this day", and most importantly, "I love you, you can do this!". Sometimes the grief and fear is debilitating but then I think about her life and the things she overcame and the words of advice she would have for me and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that although the road will be challenging and overwhelming at times, I will succeed!!! I will know true joy and happiness can be found even in the most difficult times. I choose light, I choose happy, I choose to believe, and I will rise!

Kathleen Abrams Ewell was a lot of things in this life: a daughter, a sister, an actress, a nurturer, a granddaughter, a cousin, a poetess, a teacher, a "ding-a-ling", a friend, a comedian, a devoted wife, a superb mother, and most importantly, she was a believer!

Just Enough

    I'm a side sleeper and I usually wake up on my right side. So the next morning when I woke up the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was this picture in a cute frame that said forever on it.

 

I couldn't move. The day before all came rushing back to me. "Yesterday really happened. I am not dreaming, this is real." I had a pit in my stomach as I stared at Nic's face. He looked so happy and full of light. How could we have gotten to this point? I promised him forever and I wanted to spend forever with him but it looked like that would not be happening anymore. My body felt like lead and tears welled in my eyes. My sister was still asleep downstairs on the couch and my house was still quiet. I don't know how long I laid there and softy cried onto my pillow. I felt completely alone in that moment. Darkness took over and I could feel the hopelessness and depression kick in. I had an eye exam, of all things, that morning so finally I sat up. I really couldn't afford to miss this eye exam because I was on my last pair of contacts. When I sat up I saw a different picture.

 

When my sister had come back over the night before with her overnight bag she also brought this picture and put it on an easel in the corner of my room. "I want you to look at this and remember who has you." She said. That morning as I saw this picture tears filled my eyes again but this time with hope. "I am not alone. I can do this. He has me." I was able to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.
       I went to my eye exam in a daze. It was so weird to go out in public and realize that life was still going on like normal for everybody else. I had experienced this sensation once before when I lost my dad. It felt like everybody should stop and life should stand still because my life as I knew it had stopped. I can only imagine what I looked like or what the optometrist thought as he examined my blood shot eyes from crying all night. I felt and probably looked like a zombie.
      Later that afternoon my friend Tory came over again and watched the kids so I could attend the temple with my brother, sister, and brother-in-law. My brother picked me up and we all rode together to the Boise Temple. It was a Saturday afternoon and the weather was nice. Oddly enough one of the things that stuck out to me the most from that day was the way my brother treated me. He opened ALL of the doors for me. It's such a little thing but it seemed so strange to me because Nic wasn't in the habit of opening the doors for me. I guess after a while I had forgotten what that felt like. I remember thinking I was being shown more respect from my brother that day than I had felt from Nic in a long time.
      The minute I walked into the endowment room I heard VERY clearly, "you need to go to school and pursue a nursing degree." Okay. Random. Things were so fresh still and the accusations against Nic weren't even proven yet. I didn't even know where the truth was and that is what I needed to hear? Over time I have come to be very grateful for that answer to a problem I hadn't even thought about yet. I feel very strongly that Heavenly Father didn't want me to have to worry about that on top of everything else He knew I was going to have to do. What a blessing that answer has been to me. School has been the one thing so far that I haven't had to question or wait for answers.
     My sister and I held hands during the temple session and just wept. I needed the answers. I needed to know if what they said Nic had done was true. In my heart I felt sorrowful because I had a feeling it was true. Nic had a rough childhood I guess you could say. He made some mistakes and had fought really hard to overcome them. I ached for it to not be true. I didn't want all of that work he did to be for naught. I ached because I knew the pain he had gone through. He often opened up to me about his trials and I thought because of what he'd been through he would never do anything like this. I cried for my kids. Especially for my daughter. If this wasn't true than what had happened to her to make her say such a thing? What had my poor little girl endured and I had no clue? What must she have felt and gone through? On the flip side if this was in fact true than I was so proud of her for being brave and telling someone. I was amazed that she at 7 years old felt she could speak up and tell someone. I was amazed that she hadn't shown any signs of depression despite what she must have experienced.
    Going to the temple that day was the best thing I could have done. The comfort it provided was desperately needed. The answers I received were critical. The time to reflect and contemplate was essential. I truly believe had I not gone to the temple that very next day that this would have all played out very differently. I am so thankful for the temple. Honestly speaking I didn't always love attending the temple. I don't know quite why but I would always kind of dread attending. I think it was a combination of things that made me feel uncomfortable about attending (nothing that happens in the temple) but since that day I feel so much excitement when I have an opportunity to attend and feel that spirit that is unique to the temple.
    Between the picture my sister brought over and the opportunity to attend the temple I didn't feel alone that day either. I had moments like that morning where I felt alone. I still struggled with so many emotions but I was given just enough strength to keep moving forward. I think sometimes Heavenly Father doesn't bless us abundantly with strength and courage, sometimes He gives us just enough. I think He wants us to remember we need Him and to come to Him often. If we ask He will always help us but He wants us to keep learning and growing so He only gives us enough gas to get to a certain destination. Once we get to that destination we have to stop and ask Him for more gas to get to the next destination. One thing at a time.

Isaiah 28:10
For precept must be upon
precept, precept upon
precept ; line upon line, line
upon line ; here a little, and
there a little:
  
Be patient with Heavenly Father as He is with us. The answers will come on His timing. He will help you with what He knows you need help with in that moment nothing more. He wants you to keep coming back to Him and then He will help you with the next thing. It is my testimony that He loves us beyond measure and that He knows what is better for us than we do. We need to trust in Him and His methods. This is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to remember as I am a very impatient person. I want answers now! I feel entitled sometimes like I went to the temple and said my prayers, I've been faithful so I've earned all the answers. I have to humble myself daily to His methods and have patience with His plan for me. When I humble myself sufficiently I am given just enough to make me strong for the time needed. Let just enough be enough.

 

 

 

 

Turning on the Light

    That first day I received the news is a blur. I remember snippets here and there. "He's sick, we need to get him some help." "She told the school counselor." I vaguely remember the detective and the social worker trying to distract me by talking about their pets as we were waiting for my sister to arrive. They needed her to come sign off as a third party witness to a "protection plan". The protection plan stated that Nic would not be allowed to be in the home or around the kids. Nic wasn't working that day and had gone shooting. I tried to call him several times but he didn't answer. Finally I called his parents. "I need you to come get Nic some stuff. (sob) CPS is here and a detective. They said he did something to our daughter." I choked out the words as best as a could. I can only imagine what my mother-in-law had going through her head as I dropped that bomb.
    My sister showed up and I fell apart. She was someone safe. Someone I could fall apart with. I saw her and instantly felt light and love coming from her. To me in that moment she was an angel coming to my rescue. She sat and listened to the social workers and absorbed all the information I couldn't because after that first sentence, "He touched your daughter inappropriately" I went into shock. Sometime during all of this my older kids came home from school. I can't tell you when. I can't tell you what they were doing during all of this. I know my sister and CPS just took care of them.
    Shortly after CPS and the detective left my in-laws showed up. They came upstairs to my room and I packed a bag for Nic. I asked my father-in-law for a priesthood blessing. Once again I can't remember what was said. Then the four of us decided to open a fast. We knelt around my bed and my sister offered the prayer. Again the love radiated from her. She truly felt godly sorrow for the situation and I knew that she loved Nic as a Child of God. I knew she wanted to take away my pain. I knew she was mindful of my babies and the changes this would bring to them.
    That evening people were in and out like crazy. My room became headquarters for discussing the sensitive information so the kids wouldn't hear. My dear friend Tory came over. The Bishop was called and came over. My brother was over most of the night. The service that was extended to me that night will NEVER be forgotten. I had painted our daughter's room earlier that morning and needed to put the curtain rod back up. I had planned on Nic doing it not realizing that wouldn't be an option. My brother stayed and put it up for me. He did little odd jobs here and there around the house to make my life easier. Tory and my sister Laura fed my kids dinner, did the dishes, cleaned the kids rooms, bathed the kids, and put them to bed all while comforting me.
    My sister went home to get an overnight bag so she could stay with me that first night. Later that evening when the kids were all asleep and everyone else had all gone home we sat downstairs on the couch and just sat in silence. Occasionally I would have a thought I would share with her. She just sat and listened. I know it was hard for her. She too was in pain and we both just sat there in shock.
    I can't talk about this day without mentioning a spiritual experience I had. A tender mercy was extended to me. When I was 16 my dad died just two weeks shy of my 17th birthday. He was a spiritual giant and someone I leaned on for comfort and spiritual guidance. When I was alone with just my brother and sister I had an overwhelming sense that my dad was with us in the room. I hugged my brother and cried, "I can feel dad. I miss him." The peace that my dad's presence gave me was overwhelming. It was as if he was saying, "I'm still here. You're going to be okay. You're never alone."
    This was my darkest day and yet it wasn't as dark as it could have been. I had the Lord on my side. I had family. I had friends. I was not alone. I am never alone. A Harry Potter quote comes to mind :

(yes I'm really quoting Harry Potter.) I had turned on the light. By choosing to pray in my time of need, fasting, surrounding myself with good people, and asking for a priesthood blessing I had turned on the light. If you are going through a hard time turn on the light! Maybe you've made a big mistake and you don't think you can come back from it, maybe you are experiencing health problems, maybe you are experiencing depression, you might have lost a loved one, or you simply might feel lost and alone ; my message to you is turn on the light! Let people help you! Pray for help! Keep trying! I can assure you this is not a one time thing. Every day I have to turn on the light just like I would in real life. Sometimes multiple times a day. If you turn on the light you will discover there is hope. There is happiness. People care and are generally good. You will discover you can do hard things. Most of all you will discover that when you think you are alone Heavenly Father is there. He is waiting for you to turn on that light. I don't always get some huge, amazing experience when I turn on the light but I do always get a feeling of comfort and love. I dare you to try it! Be brave. When you turn one light on in one room it gets a little brighter but as you go through the house and turn each and every light on it's really bright. The more you turn on the light the brighter your life will get.
       Surely this day was my darkest day and I still have many challenges ahead of me. I pray that I too will always remember to turn on that light.