The Little Things

 

  Life has a way of surprising you even when you think nothing could shock you. A few weeks ago my family received some terrible news: My mom has lung cancer. My mom who has never smoked a day in her life has LUNG cancer! It has been a crazy couple of weeks as you can imagine. Doctors appointments, school, kids. I never saw this coming. I had assumed given the year I have already had that I was safe from anything else; my family was safe from anything else. Life can be downright discouraging sometimes. I have had days where I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I have felt so completely heartbroken and empty at times that I physically felt like my insides were falling apart. There have been moments and even days when I didn't know if the pain would ever end. Sometimes I have thought the pain was finally over only to be hit with another wave of it.Why this? Why now?  
  At the end of any relationship I feel like there is some degree of damage. I spent nine years in an unhealthy relationship. You can't stay in an unhealthy relationship that long without a lot of sacrifice and losing a piece of yourself. I had forgotten what made me, me. I had lost my passion for life. I had forgotten what it felt like to have dreams and goals. When January came and everything hit the fan I was this shell of a person. I had given everything I had, all of my energy, to making this toxic marriage work. When that day came, as awful as it was, I began to find my strength again. I found my voice and little by little I have only added to that strength. Along the way I have used many little things to fill in the broken cracks and keep me moving. And again now that I'm dealing with another hardship I rely on the little things to get me through.
  Music has always been a big part of my life. I find strength from good lyrics. A couple of days after I found out about the abuse I created a playlist called, "stronger, braver, fearless". As time has gone on and I've healed from that trial I find myself using that same playlist to draw strength as I deal with my mom's cancer.
  I have a few necklaces that I wear when I feel like I need some extra strength. I put on my necklaces like a piece of armor.

, "Be Brave: Follow your arrow wherever it points".

I have another one like the arrow except it's an anchor and it says:

"Strength: Refuse to Sink"

      One day not too long after I had told my friends about what I was going through my two friends, Tory and Jaynee, pulled me aside at mutual and gave me a little box with this necklace in it.

It says, "I am a warrior"

   I obviously love good quotes and have spent a lot of time reading faith affirming quotes that I could gain strength from. Words have power. My pinterest board titled, "Quote Love" has nearly 500 quotes and counting. 

    There is a picture hanging up in my home that I look at often. It is of Christ walking on the water. I have looked at this picture many times these last few weeks and thought to myself about Peter. "Lord save me!" I know He is there with His hand outstretched to me even though I feel like I am sinking. I often reflect on the feelings I shared in this post, "Be Still". 

  An empowering song, a necklace, a picture, a good quote. I know these seem like really simple, trivial things but they gave me strength and continue to do so. I have struggled to understand what Heavenly Father's plan is for me. I have even wondered at times if my life was some sort of sick joke. More faith has been required of me than I even knew I had. When I don't think I have anymore to give, when I feel completely depleted I am being asked to give even more. I am constantly having to dig a little deeper. It's been surprising to me how much these little things have helped me to find not only my inner strength but my joy for life despite the difficulties I face. 

   Perhaps the little thing that gives me the most joy and strength are my memories and tender little moments. The time my mom and I treated each other for lice and laughed and cried simultaneously. Watching my brother experience pure joy at a rock concert. My sons little voice singing, "I Love to See the Temple" on a drive. A hug from my sister after seeing her for the first time since we learned of my mom's cancer. Simply sitting by my brother on the couch and teasing each other like we were kids. A cupcake war with close friends and frosting everywhere. Dancing in the kitchen with my sister. Holding a chubby, little Olaf hand as we go trick-or-treating. Sweet little love notes from my daughter. Rubbing my mama's back during church. These little moments I hold on to. My memories are magic that make the hard times in life sweet.

  On Halloween my mom celebrated her 69th birthday. I gave her an arrow necklace of her own. I have watched her take this terrible news in stride. She has so much faith and is an incredibly strong woman but I have seen fear in her eyes. I know she is afraid of what the cancer is doing to her body. I know she is afraid of time, of how much of it she might have. There is simply no way with our mortal minds to fully comprehend the why's of life. All we can do is have faith in Heavenly timing and a Father who is mindful of our pain. Some days my faith feels like it's on short supply and that's where these little things come in. They fill in the cracks and carry me over until I gain more understanding. My hope for her and for any of you that are dealing with challenges in life is that you find the little things in your life that help you to be a little braver, a little stronger, and live life a little more fearlessly. As someone once told me, "when you are going through difficult times in life look for the tender mercies in life and then whatever you do remember them! Draw on them for strength. Never forget!" 

Truth Time : My Biggest Secrets and Fears.

   Self esteem. I have been debating about whether or not to blog about this particular topic for a while. Honestly it has been something I have struggled with on and off throughout my life. I knew that blogging about it meant being completely vulnerable and even bringing to light some things I'm ashamed of. I have had this nagging feeling all morning that I needed to sit down and blog about it. It is a very real issue that A LOT of people struggle with.
    Time to get real. I've told ya'll that I'm not perfect and this experience that I'm about to share is exhibit A. I'm highly embarrassed to share it but I do think it could be of some worth and value to someone so here goes nothing.
    Once I started thinking about the possibility of having another relationship someday I began to start feeling incredibly insecure. The thoughts in my head went a little like this,  "I am this 28 year old mom with 4 kids already who has no job and no college education. I am not nearly as fit and in shape as I'd like to be. What man would be attracted to me?" Then I made the worst decision I've made during this process: I joined a popular dating app. One of those swipe left or right if you think this person is attractive things. My intention was NEVER to find someone to date or even flirt with. My sole reason for joining it was solely because I was insecure and I wanted to know if men even thought I was attractive. (Seriously I am so humiliated). No matter what my intention was it was a DUMB thing to do especially while still technically married. I never met any of these guys or had a relationship with them. I had a couple of them who tried to get me to meet them but I realized that I was in jeopardy of seriously violating my temple covenants and I was not okay with that. It didn't take me long to delete the account and I've never looked back. My point though is, why did I feel the need to be validated from men solely based on my looks, so much so, that I made a choice that was very contrary to my personal integrity? When did what men thought of me become more important than my values? It was a real eye opener for me.
   As a teenager I fell in love for the first time with an older boy. We talked about all kinds of spiritual things and I felt he really valued me as a daughter of God. He went on a mission and wrote me faithfully every single week for 2 years. I was certain I was going to marry him. I didn't. My dad died and I was dealing with stuff when he got home and he had his own personal stuff to sort through. One day I got a phone call and he admitted to me that he had chosen a different path for himself. He was no longer active in church and wasted no time finding another girl that was the opposite of me in every way. I was devastated! It rocked my self esteem to the core. How could he love me and say all of those things and then one day, just like that, not anymore? Even more confusing to me how could he have such an amazing testimony and then just lose it in a matter of weeks? I felt so rejected, he knew everything in my heart and ultimately chose something else.
   Fast forward to my relationship with Nic and the abuse. 1. When does anyone ever feel good about themselves when the person you love chooses pornography or some other perversion? 2. You begin to wonder if you weren't enough. Were you not attractive enough? Was there something wrong with what you were doing in the relationship? 3. Why didn't Nic love me and our life we had created enough to fight harder against his temptations?  I felt like I had been rejected not once, but twice by the only two men I had ever loved romantically. My self esteem was completely tanked for a while there.
  I knew if I was ever going to have the kind of relationship I really wanted that I needed to fix my self esteem on my own. Me, not a man. I've found that as I've delved deeper into the gospel that I've found my self esteem. My worth is not defined by how many heads I turn but from simply being Heavenly Father's daughter. It is a concept I always knew and was familiar with. A concept I had even taught in Young Women's and yet I hadn't received it to be true in my heart. I've spent hours praying to become who He would have me be. I've poured my soul out to Him about all of my insecurities. It wasn't until I made it a personal matter of prayer that I gained that knowledge in my heart. I have learned for myself that neither one of my relationships ending had anything to do with me not being good enough. I have always been worthy of love. And it certainly had nothing to do with my appearance. I think as women we far too often place our value ,unintentionally, in our appearance. Do I try to look nice? yes. Do I want to be healthy and fit? yes. However, those things are not who I am. They are not my identity! You want to know who I am, read this blog from start to finish. I am a Daughter of a Heavenly Father and that alone is enough! I have literally knelt down in prayer to Him and begged Him to help me see that being His daughter is where my self esteem should come from. I have pleaded with Him to help me be content with myself. I have asked that if it should be in His plan for me that He will direct me to a man who sees my heart and finds my heart more beautiful than my face. I don't want to be loved because I'm pretty. I don't want to be loved for any one trait.  I want to be loved because of all the unique qualities and talents He has blessed me with. I want to be loved because of what I have to give. I want to be loved because I am doing my very best to be a valiant daughter of a King!
   Since I have discovered my self esteem I have even viewed men differently. So they're good looking, so what? What do they have in their heart? Are they good and kind? I have begun to be so much more respectful of men and I no longer lust after celebrities the way I once did. (again embarrassed). I used to feel such a boost when I noticed someone checking me out. I still see heads turn now and again but I really don't care. I am so much more than my physical appearance, whether its good or bad! I do believe there has to be some sort of initial mutual attraction to start a relationship but that attraction doesn't always come from being classically good looking. What I find attractive is confidence and the light of Christ in their eyes. I was telling my YW on Sunday that you need to become what you want to attract. I want a man who is confident in His identity as a Son of God and has a personal relationship with Him so I need that to be where my confidence comes from. I have always had a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. What I lacked was the ability to see past certain experiences in my life and identify my worth solely in His love for me.
   I sure hope this helps someone otherwise I have completely exposed my darkest secrets and fears to the world for naught. Haha! Now that I've written it for literally anyone to read I have a sense of peace. I am who I am, I've been where I've been, and nothing is going to stop me from continuing to progress even closer to my Savior. There's no fear in the past only faith in the future.  I plead with anyone who is struggling with their self worth to turn to the Savior! I know the feeling of insecurity and self doubt all too well and it hurts me to think of others feeling that way. Please don't sell yourself short! You are so much more than a swipe left or right! You are more than the amount of head nods you do or don't get! You are more than the size of jeans you fit in! You are more than all of the things doubt and depression tells you that you are or aren't! Don't define yourself by your fears! Define yourself as a Child of God! The amazing thing about defining yourself that way is that there are no more comparisons. When you find your worth as a Child of God then you realize you are neither above or below anyone!!! We are all the same! All of us are equally loved and our worth doesn't change because of any one choice we have made or any choice we will make! Nothing that has ever happened to you can make you unlovable to Heavenly Father! Place your personal self esteem in the Savior and you can't go wrong!
  

You know I love me some Pinterest quotes ya'll!

One just for the men. I tend to direct most of my posts towards women.

 

Crossing the Ocean

All summer long I have looked for a job to no avail. I'd submitted application after application and landed some interviews only for them to offer the job to someone more qualified. I'd even been offered a couple of jobs but I couldn't make the schedule work with school and my kids. Things just weren't lining up right. About a month ago I was driving home from yet another job interview and was reflecting on how I thought it went. They loved me and I was pretty confident I was going to get offered the job. (I was offered the job). I had no reason to doubt and I was feeling content. As I was driving the distinct thought, "Utah" popped into my mind. Just Utah by itself. I knew exactly what it meant. My mom lives in Utah and has a basement apartment. It was always a backup option for me but I was determined to not use it. I pushed the thought aside and didn't give it anymore time. A couple of weeks after that my sister and I were talking casually as we laid out in the sun and watched the kids swim and she mentioned something about Utah. What was this? Quit it! I didn't want to move to Utah! My kids lives were here in Idaho. My life was here in Idaho. Again I refused to accept that as an answer for me.
  It took a couple more weeks for me to hit reality square in the face of what Heavenly Father not only wanted me to do but needed me to do. It became quite clear that I COULD NOT under any circumstance provide for my little family up here in Idaho. Things I had hoped would pan out didn't and I found myself with no other choice it seemed. I called up my brother Bryon and had him come over and consult with me. I wanted to double check my reasoning and make sure I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't missing anything. He came over and confirmed what I had already thought and gave me another priesthood blessing. I was devastated at just the idea of moving! I couldn't imagine leaving behind all of the people who had been such a support to me through such a difficult time. I got in my car and took the kids for a drive around the lake so I could think. I had the music playing in the background and a song came on the radio that changed things for me.

          "Home" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

   As I listened to the lyrics I knew Utah would become home to my little family. I had flashbacks to when I had lived there before and there was something comforting about going back. The movie "Hope Floats" came to my mind and I just knew Utah was where my little family was supposed to start over. In that moment I did feel like I was coming full circle and returning home to my roots.

   As with any major decision I wanted to be 100% sure it was what Heavenly Father wanted. (Even though He had made it pretty clear). I told Heavenly Father what I had decided and I fasted that if for some reason I was supposed to stay in Idaho it would be made known to me. I made arrangements to attend the temple as soon as I could. A couple of days later I sat in the Celestial room pondering and praying for confirmation. I kept asking, "Am I supposed to go to Utah?" A mother and her young son were hugging and tenderly conversing and it caught my eye. He had gone through the temple for the first time that day and their joy was obvious. My question suddenly changed. "Where do I have to go and what to I have to do to get my kids to be in the Celestial room with me?" Bingo! The answers came flooding! Some of the answers I heard are too sacred to share publicly but basically what I heard was, "Utah, go to Utah".  The words "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord" came into my mind and I knew I needed to submit my will to His once more. Faith, trust, and hope filled my heart as I promised to Him that I would obey and move to Utah.

   So after 10 years away, to the month, I am making plans to return home to Utah. My pride has been swallowed and it has been a bittersweet decision. I have had the support of ALL of my family and friends including the kids dad. There are absolutely no words adequate enough to say how I feel about all of the wonderful people I have met and who have been a part of our daily lives during these ten years in Idaho. My ward family, my young women, my friends, Nic's friends, and all of our family. I have been beyond blessed with wonderful people to surround me in Idaho! My life is forever changed because of each and every one of them!

   Honestly I'm scared as hell sometimes! Moving four little ones as a single mom is a daunting task! Helping them adjust to a new life while trying to do the same makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out. Not seeing all the same faces that I know and trust so regularly breaks my heart. How am I possibly going to do this? Then I remember that Heavenly Father told me to do it. When has he ever led me wrong? When has he ever left me alone? Never! He hasn't, not once! Change is crazy hard. I have been pinning quotes on Pinterest like it is going out of style, trying to keep positive thoughts flowing about this change. There is much to be excited about!  I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting in a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. This change is necessary. How am I ever going to grow and claim all of the blessings He has to offer me if I live in fear? If I never take this chance to follow His path for me who knows what I'll miss? This is my chance to be brave. My chance to be fearless. I'm silencing my fears and my negative thoughts and I'm embracing the future!

   

 
  This will not be the end Idaho peeps! Idaho will always have a special place in my heart and I love each and every one of you! Thank you, thank you ,thank you for all of the love you've extended to my family over the years!

I've been waiting for you!

    The end of a relationship can be scary and confusing especially if that relationship ended unexpectedly. I continued to go to the counselor at LDS services for a few months without Nic. I had already decided there was no hope for the marriage but there were so many conflicting, lingering feelings. I often felt so lost and confused but once I started talking to my counselor he helped me see that I already knew the answers. He was a great listener and it was life saving to have someone neutral with no personal investment to hash it out with. One of my biggest fears that we addressed was how to avoid getting in a toxic relationship again. I had been very deeply hurt and my wounds were still so raw. I was TERRIFIED of relationships. I didn't want one ever again! I was fully prepared to focus on my schooling and advance myself in the career of my choice and be completely content to devote all of my free time to my kids. After a few sessions of talking about this topic finally my counselor just came out with it, he gently said, "Is that really what you want? One day you could be very happy in a relationship. Relationships are hard but they aren't usually as hard as yours was." The wall I had been building up came crashing down and tears streamed down my face, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so forgiving and nonjudgmental that I don't usually view someone's past as red flags or warning signs. Everyone has a past so how do I know they are sincerely a good person?" What he said next is something I will not forget when the time comes for me to date. He said, "It's true that everyone has a past. What matters is that you pay attention to who he is now and his motives. Is he still in the process of figuring out who he is or does he know who he is? Is he going to church more now because of you or has he been going consistently for a block of time before you? He should have a desire in him to be better than he was yesterday before you even enter the picture." I found this to be pretty sound advice. It seemed to just click with me deep down. It's such a simple concept I had heard before but my fear had completely clouded my ability to understand it as it applied to me.
   I left that session that day with hope for my future. For the first time since I received the awful news in January I began to believe I could have another relationship again and this time it would be better. For the first time in months I began to trust myself and my judgment. Most importantly I began to realize that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and shutting down in fear and bitterness was not in the blueprints. I began to heal that day.
  Here I am months later and I just attended the temple yesterday and as I sat in the Celestial room I was reminded again that Heavenly Father is directing my paths. I received many deeply personal and sacred revelations as I meditated there with a prayer in my heart. The veil felt very thin and it was almost as if I could see my life unfolding. There are no words adequate enough to describe the love one can feel from Heavenly Father in the temple.
   If you have been hurt it is so scary to let those walls down. Trust me I know. I also know I wasn't really happy being cynical. My life was being run by my fear. Thankfully, because I had a good counselor, it didn't take me too long to realize that wasn't a way to live. Marriage is tough but it was always meant to be a blessing to us. Since Adam and Eve it was always intended to enrich our lives and help us obtain eternal salvation. We were never meant to go through life alone. Let down your walls! Be brave and fearless and let God's wisdom direct you in the relationships you choose. Personal prayer and revelation can and should guide you to make wise decisions provided you are obedient to the revelations you receive. Old habits sometimes make me doubt how much I deserve a happy relationship. "Is it really possible for me? What do I have to offer that is so special?" Those thoughts come from Satan! Whenever I kneel in prayer or attend the temple those thoughts dissipate as quickly as they formed. Heavenly Father always reminds me of my worth and what I have to offer and what a relationship has to offer me. Satan wants us to be miserable. He wants us to be alone and bitter. Don't let him in! You are a child of God with unique and divine attributes and you are worth loving! I have seen far too many people get out of a bad relationship with little to no self esteem left. Be proud of who you are because of where you came from. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND YOU DESERVE ALL OF THE BLESSINGS HEAVENLY FATHER HAS TO OFFER SO CLAIM THEM! I realize that His timing is different than our timing. Sometimes we have to wait much longer than we have wanted but don't allow a bad attitude to hide the opportunities that He may be trying to present to you.
    I don't know His timing for me. I could be single until I'm sixty. What I do know is that at some point, whether in this life or the next, I will have the opportunity to find my forever sweetheart. When that opportunity comes I'm not going to let depression and fear keep me from jumping in with both feet exclaiming, "I've been waiting for you!"
 

The Unimaginable

    Nic confessed to me on a Thursday. The following Monday we went to a counseling appointment at LDS services. The counselor was incredible! I felt like he really understood me and then he would turn and talk to Nic and I felt like he had so much compassion for him. How he balanced both of our crazy emotions is beyond me. The counselor encouraged Nic to turn himself in to the authorities. Afterwards Nic and I got in my car and talked some more. More details began coming out about what had happened. The counselor really made Nic feel comfortable and he began spilling secrets like a leaky faucet. I was flabbergasted! I thought I already knew it all, how could there be more? I don't even remember what I said to Nic but I do remember I didn't cry. Once we were in our own separate vehicles and driving home the tears came.
   Since it was evident we weren't getting back together and some truths were out in the open I felt it was time to tell our friends what was happening. Most of our family already knew and had been praying and fasting for us. Nic and I had a close group of friends and they knew something was up with us. It was time they knew too. It was so hard to tell some of them. They were Nic's best friends. He had one friend in particular that he spent a lot of time with. I dreaded telling him. I learned a couple of things from telling family and friends. These are things that I already knew intellectually but they are now written on my heart.  1. When you make a really bad choice it is absolutely devastating to EVERYONE that loves you. The ripples of pain that it can cause is excruciating. 2.Sometimes it's worse to be the person not directly affected by a bad choice. Sometimes it kills you to watch it from the outside and not know what to do. When you really love and care about a person it is painful to watch them hurt, to know they're suffering and you can't do anything about it. This experience has cemented a lot of my relationships. I have had family, friends, and even acquaintances bleed for me and my little family.
    Days were going by and Nic still wasn't turning himself in. I was concerned because without some sort of evidence or confession we still didn't have any sort of case to go on. Yes he had confessed to me but it wasn't enough to prosecute him. Even though he was saying he was sorry I couldn't trust it and I knew something more needed to happen or he would get visitation with the kids without supervision. I had the hardest time wrapping my brain around his motives. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't turning himself in if he was really, truly sorry and repentant. If I had done something that horrific to one of my kids I would be turning myself in so fast and in complete despair. His words and his actions started to say different things. I'm not sure what happened to that Nic who was suicidal and felt Godly sorrow. I have wondered if Satan started placing other thoughts in his head that caused him to start justifying his actions. I held another fast that I would be able to protect my kids and that Nic would turn himself in.
    A couple more days went by and still Nic hadn't done it. I woke up one morning and was taking a shower when a very clear thought came to me, "you need to record him." I had already done that and failed. I continued getting ready and I couldn't shake the impression that I needed to record his confession that very day. He'd already said it all once and I didn't know if he would trust me enough to say it all over again. He knew that I felt really strongly about him turning himself in to the authorities. I called him within the hour and made arrangements to meet him that night at his parents house after the kids went to bed. That day dragged on and on. I was so nervous!! I wasn't a spy or an undercover agent, why did I think I could do this? We weren't meeting at a public place and what if he discovered that I was recording him? I would have to put the recording device fairly close to where he would be sitting. Finally the time came to head over there. When I got about a block away I pulled over and hit record then hid the device on a built in shelf right underneath the car stereo. I couldn't stop shaking. I said a prayer to calm my nerves and that once again I would be able to say the right things. I called to let him know I was close and he came out. I parked in front of the house and I started the conversation by talking about some logistics. We needed to file taxes. At some point I began to ask him questions about our daughter. The questions came out effortlessly and the conversation flowed smoothly and calmly. A few times he moved his hand close to that center shelf and my heart rate would quicken a little. He never did find the device and when he got out of the car I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten him to repeat clearly and in detail all of the abuse. I should say the Lord had done it. He really was the one who had guided me and told me what to say. I was about a block away when Nic called. "Hey I was just wondering did you by chance record me?" My stomach twisted and my blood pressure spiked. "Crap he knows. What do I do?" I panicked. I was only a block away and I was really afraid for my safety at that moment. I don't know if he would've done anything to me but I had seen his anger and wrath before. Flashes of 20/20 episodes came to mind, this was stuff people killed over. "No, I didn't record you."  I drove towards home in record time. I wanted to put distance between us. I later felt so guilty about lying, even if it was to protect my kids, that once I turned in a copy of the recording to the authorities I called Nic and told him what I'd done.
   Since that day I've listened to that recording only twice. It does not even sound like my voice. My voice sounds so calm and soothing with very little inflection. Again I was guided. I still look back on those experiences in complete awe. I can't believe that was me, not a spy, not a detective but me. It is amazing what we are capable of when Heavenly Father is guiding us!!! He can transform us into anything we need to be. I in no way think I am on the same platform as Nephi but I couldn't help but think about Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. He had never killed a man before and he didn't want to slay Laban. It seemed to be so contrary to Nephi's basic nature and demeanor to kill a man. He doubted his ability to follow the command. The spirit reassured him and gave him the command again. Nephi was able to do the unthinkable with the help of the Lord. I felt strongly that I had done the unthinkable. It is not my nature to be sneaky and secretive. In both instances there was a greater good to be accomplished. Had I ignored that prompting to record Nic my kids would be at risk and Nic wouldn't be getting the help he really needs. Sometimes faith requires doing the unimaginable. When we trust in Him we can be transformed and given special gifts and talents that we don't normally possess. I learned a powerful lesson about faith that night.

  
   

Stronger. Braver. Fearless. (my words)

  I knew for quite a while something was off with Nic. Back in December before he was caught things got so bad at home that I went to see our bishop and discuss our marital problems with him. I told him I didn't know what to do about Nic. I was highly concerned with some of his behavior and for the first time in our marriage I was seriously considering divorce. I told myself I would calmly discuss the situation with the bishop and that I would not cry. The first sentence that came out of my mouth I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. There are no words to describe the pain I felt at that moment. To voice it out loud was devastating.
   Everyone knows Nic sexually abused our daughter but what most people don't know is that as a side effect of such horrible behaviors he also emotionally and verbally abused all of us. I'm really struggling to speak up about this because I want to be classy and take the high road. I don't want to sound bitter or attack Nic. He has a lot of great qualities but Satan got a hold of him. Nic took it out on me and the kids because we were the closest to him. We often hurt those we love the most more. There's a level of comfort with those close relationships so we feel like we can be and say whatever. I decided to speak up because keeping it a secret makes me feel like a victim. I'm still protecting him. I've decided there's a difference between being tastefully honest and being bitter. This will never be a blog where I tell you all of the details of every fight we had. This will never be a blog about how much I hate Nic because I don't. I'm speaking up to hopefully help other women or men who still feel victimized or who don't even realize that what's happening in their relationship is not okay.
   I didn't even realize I was being abused until after Nic got caught abusing our daughter. I went into our local Family Justice Center (which is a great resource) for a routine checkup. There was some information on counseling available and one of the employees really helped me figure things out. She listened to me and helped me problem solve what my next steps should be. She gave me some graphs and charts about abuse that listed common scenarios in abusive relationships. It was standard procedure to give it to everybody so I tucked it away in my folder and dismissed it, after all this was about our daughter. Later that night I pulled it out and was shocked to discover that my relationship with Nic fit perfectly into the abuse cycle. Tears streamed down my face as page after page I identified with the information provided. It all started fitting together and I could see so clearly a pattern of abuse. How did I not see it before? I had thought it was "normal" fighting. The truth is there was nothing normal about it. Yes couples fight but what we went through was beyond that.
  From the outside we looked happy. Even most of our closest friends and family had no clue what was really going on behind closed doors. Nic was charming. He was hilarious. I adored him when we were out with friends. We were flirtatious with each other and would have witty banter back and forth. Going out with Nic was a blast! Home was a different story. Because of the things Nic was engaging in he was depressed and when we got home and he was really comfortable he would become a different person. I think he hated himself for what he was doing and didn't know how to stop it so he was awful at times with me and the kids instead of facing his issues. Again, some of this might seem normal to you and some of it is. I can't illustrate how it was so different with us without telling detailed stories and I'm not sure I want to go there. Just trust me when I say it was not good at home. I can't tell you the hours I spent on my knees pleading for his heart to be softened. Praying that if I was missing something, if I was in the wrong that I could figure it out and be better. Why did I stay so long? The answer is simple: our kids. I had come from a family where divorce was no stranger. I knew full well the repercussions divorce could have on kids. And honestly I still loved Nic. Like I said before I'm very forgiving and I can't stay mad for very long.
  After the truth came out and Nic was removed from the home there was an odd feeling of freedom that came with all the despair. For the first time I knew the truth. I knew why he was acting the way he was. I knew it wasn't my fault, I wasn't crazy. This wasn't something I had built up in my head. The first night I was left alone with my kids we all piled on my bed and I could feel a difference in my home. The spirit was there. It is so strange but despite all of the agony I felt those first few days I also felt relief.
   Even still to this day I struggle to overcome some of the wounds from the emotional abuse. I had a panic attack after I started this blog. "What if Nic finds out?"  After writing my first post I texted a few close friends a rough draft and said, "do I dare publish it?" When I hit that publish button I sobbed for a good twenty minutes. I was so overcome with emotion. I was terrified but mostly I felt liberated. This was my life and I was taking control. I wasn't going to operate from a place of fear anymore. Which brings me to how I got the name of this blog.
  My mom was one of the few people I confided in. She knew our marriage was no picnic. She was someone I trusted because I knew she would be objective. She would tell me if I was wrong and she had a way of getting through to Nic. She loved and still loves Nic. He respected and valued her opinion. When everything hit the fan she knew I needed something to help me be strong. My bedroom was covered in everything Nic. He wanted orange in our room so I got an orange bedspread. Our initials were hanging above the bed. Engagement and wedding pictures were everywhere. She helped me take down the pictures and she said, "You need something in here that makes you feel powerful. When you wake up in the morning you need to be surrounded by colors and things that make you feel happy and strong. I want you to think about some power words that you think will help you to be all that you can be." I thought about it for a few days and came up with stronger, braver, fearless. These words are my words. I will never be in an unhealthy relationship like that again.

I am STRONGER because I know who I am and what I'm capable of.
I am BRAVER because I have looked horribly hard things in the face and done them anyway.
 I am FEARLESS because I know I can do anything with Heavenly Father's help.
I have dug down inside of myself and found my inner strength and there is no stopping me from reaching my potential. Yes I will have some setbacks and lose a battle or two but I will come away the victor because I know the power that it the Atonement. I will win the war!!! I am braver, stronger, and fearless because of my Savior!! He makes me brave. He makes me strong. He makes me fearless.

   I told my mom my words and the rest is history. She helped me redecorate my room and transform it to my room.  I had my friend Tory help me cut out the words in vinyl and I arranged them in frames above my bed. Every single time I see those words or I use them in a hashtag I believe in myself a little more. I have literally had moments when I have been trying to get ready for court and I can't stop crying and then I see those words above my bed and I become them. The colors that I chose were purple and red. Red is such a powerful, cheery color and the purple reminds me of royalty and my divine identity as a Daughter of God.
   If you suspect you might be a victim of abuse or an abuser I encourage you to get help. I cannot say enough that I know that Heavenly Father loves you no matter who you are or what you've done. Don't sell yourself short. Abuse of any kind is NEVER the answer. I often hear how amazing I am for the way I've handled a bad situation. People tell me they don't think they would be this strong. The truth is I am no better than you. If I can do it so can you. You have the same divinity in you that I have in me. All you need to know to be this strong is that you are a Child of God and He will never leave you alone if you ask for His help. You will have weak moments and lose some battles but you can win the war. Everyone is capable of being braver, stronger, and fearless!



                                     It's hard to read the words in this picture. I'll have to take a better one.

 

                                The way it was when it was our room.
  

                               One of the walls in our bedroom.

 

You can find some of the charts about abuse at domesticviolence.org. I would encourage you to look them over and familiarize yourself with them.  I want to reiterate that I am not sharing these things looking for sympathy or to paint myself as this wounded victim that was always perfect in the marriage. Yes I was a victim but I have always found happiness throughout my life despite my struggles. I am choosing to not be a victim anymore. Neither am I sharing these things to dump on Nic and paint him as an awful person. Some of the things he did were awful but I know that's never who he wanted to be. I am sharing these things because abuse is more common than we think. If what I've been through can help put a stop to abuse anywhere than I'm glad I shared. Never look the other way if you suspect someone is being abused even if you suspect that someone is you.