Love You Through It : a Mother's Day message about unconditional love.

With Mother's Day quickly approaching my thoughts have been turned towards my own mother. Often when I think about her, words feel inadequate to explain the mother she is. From the time I was little I remember nothing but love and perhaps that is the greatest lesson she ever taught me, to love unconditionally.

In 2004 my dad passed away very suddenly and as I was the youngest, that left just her and I at home. To say that was a hard year and a strain on our relationship would be an understatement. We each grieved differently as our relationships with him were very different. I was a teenager about to start my final year of high school and a whole new phase of life. She was a woman about to be an empty nester and now a widow, which meant she would be completely alone. Our fears were great and there were a few occasions when we took those fears out on each other leaving us both with hurt feelings. What came after the hurt feelings is an important life lesson I'll never forget. After giving me some time alone my mom would always knock on my door, sit on my bed and apologize. "I'm sorry, I'm doing the best I can. Parents aren't perfect but I love you so much. Can you please forgive me?"

If only she knew then how much those words would help me when I became a mother! She taught me that it's okay to not be a perfect parent. That it's okay to be real with your kids. That we respect those that are honest with us about their shortcomings. That there is nothing that can't be mended by sincere humility and unconditional love. That all we are ever expected to do, is our personal best.

Over the years my mom has been there for me as I have parented my own children and she has continued to comfort and gently nurture me through some of the most difficult moments of my life. I am her caregiver now but a year ago she was mine. It wasn't that long ago that my world was falling apart and she was helping me pick up the pieces. She worked tirelessly to keep my house clean and help care for my kids while I handled legal issues and worked through my grief. Many mornings she let me sleep in and mope in bed as I mourned the end of my marriage and the horrible abuse my daughter endured. She was patient with me as I slowly began to heal and get stronger. Quite simply, she loved me through it. Now it is my turn to allow her to grieve and mourn the loss of her health while I take care of business. I see it not as a burden but a privilege, an honor. Unconditional love is serving one another through the trials and heartbreaks in life. She taught me that.

Mom, if you get a chance to read this, you need to know how much your kids love you. It is okay to not be the strong one taking care of us anymore. You have taught us everything we need to know. We know to trust in God because of you and that turning to Him is ALWAYS the answer. We know how to love both purely and unconditionally because of your example. Spending time with you and caring for you is a privilege for us all. You have been and are a noble mother! Your faith and love have sustained us and will continue to do so because yours is a love that will last for eternity! Enjoy your time and try not to stress about the magnitude of this trial as you face your cancer. You have never let us fall or left us alone in our times of need and we will not let you either. We've got your back mama. Quite simply, we will love you through it!

This Mother's Day I challenge all of you to think about your own mother's and the ways they "loved you through it" and as a mother myself, I know that sometimes we have a tendency to look inward and reflect on our own mothering skills and sometimes we are tempted to compare ourselves to other mothers we know. To that I challenge you to 1. Remember the love you have for your child is the MOST important part of being a mother! Nothing else we will ever do will even touch the love they feel from us. The pinterest worthy birthday parties and perfectly packed sack lunches don't matter if they don't feel our love. Loving them deeply and making sure they feel that love IS ENOUGH! 2. Love yourself through it. There is no such thing as a perfect parent!!! Be patient and kind with yourself. Repeat after me as I repeat after my mom : "I'm doing the best I can." No more comparisons. I know my mom sounds pretty amazing from all of the things I've written about her but even she forgot my brother's 7th birthday. ;) He still loves her and is a functioning happy adult (mostly hehe).

Let's make this Mother's Day about love, unconditional love. Not comparisons, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or even anger. This Mother's Day lets focus on the positive, the happy, and loving ourselves and each other through the trials and heartbreaks of life.

The Question All Christians Should Ask : "Am I a Christian?"

   

    Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, Nic Butterfield. What do these 3 people have in common? One is famous and is used to being in the public eye. Another is a mother from Arizona who I know very little about. Finally the last is my ex whom I know a lot about and he is pretty well known in the valley where we live. What links these three together? They are all Christians whose mistakes have been made public. They have all been judged very harshly by other people who are Christian as well.
   What is a Christian? Let's look at the basic definition:

 

Chris·tian

ˈkrisCHən/

noun

plural noun: Christians

1. a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings

 

 "A believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings". That stuck out to me. On my own path to forgiveness for Nic I have thought a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Jesus taught a lot of things many of which I still don't fully comprehend. I don't claim to be an expert on His life although I am daily trying to learn more about Him. We learn through the scriptures repeatedly that Jesus taught about love. Jesus taught about compassion. Jesus taught about forgiveness. The Sermon on the Mount is a terrific example of a time that He taught these virtues.

 

 

Matthew 5:38-40

 

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

 

Matthew 5: 43-44

 

43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

Matthew 7:1-5

 

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 

At the Last Supper He, again, gives counsel to love one another.

 

John 13: 34-35

 

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    

  I could go on. There are so many accounts in the scriptures where Jesus tells us to love one another. To forgive our enemies. Not to place judgment.

  I have seen so many people say such awful hateful things. I'm not the type to be hateful and never have been but I have been guilty of placing judgment. Before this experience of abuse in my own life my perspective towards obvious sin was very different. If someone made an obvious mistake then I could be quick to jump on the band wagon of casting blame. I had moments where I was an "eye for an eye" kind of person. I am ashamed of those thoughts and thinking patterns. When Nic was sentenced they published it in the paper and the online media forums for the paper. I made the mistake of reading some of the comments below. It made me physically ill. What he did was heinous but when did it become okay to wish for a complete stranger to die?

 Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, and Nic Butterfield have all been publically and openly judged. They have varying levels of mistakes. In Cherish's case it was just that, a mistake. Nic and Josh have actually sinned. Whatever the reason or cause, when did it become okay to point fingers and condemn someone? Where in the scriptures does Christ give us permission to call someone a terrible mother? Where does Christ say it's okay to hate someone we don't even know? Where does it say it's okay to hate period? I do feel compassion for Josh Duggar. It is a heart wrenching and grievous thing his family is now having to endure as a result of his choices. I feel so much empathy for his wife. He has obviously made some horrible mistakes and choices but I am not perfect. I cannot cast a stone. There needs to be consequences. I am a firm believer in being accountable for ALL of our choices. If I didn't believe in accountability I would not have gone to such great lengths in my life to see that Nic was held accountable. What I cannot and do not support is spreading judgment and hate. Instead of name calling and labeling how much better would this world be if we sought for solutions for the problem. How can we stop abuse? Does calling him an explicit term do anything to keep it from happening to someone else? No! Stand  up and choose to make a difference. Stand up and choose to think a little deeper about motivations and the cause of the problem. When we choose to expand our thoughts beyond judgment and hate we will find solutions to problems. When we choose to embrace love and seek His help then we can make a difference! Be more intelligent then the ignorance of hatred!

   If we want this world to become a better place then we need to teach our children to follow Christ. To really love one another including our enemies and those we don't understand. I will never fully understand or comprehend  Nic's choices but I don't need to. It doesn't say love your enemy only if you understand them. Comprehension for someone's behavior is not required in order to have compassion for them. Initially there was a lot of anger. Finally I had to look inside myself and really question ,"Am I a Christian? What does that mean?"

   Bottom line no matter what it is, sin or innocent mistake ; stop passing judgment! Stop spreading hate! If we claim to be Christians then we need to try a little harder and make more of an effort to forgive and love EVERYBODY! Will I love perfectly like Christ did? Probably not. But I can sure be better then I have been before.

  A friend of mine shared this quote today on a facebook group page that is supporting Cherish with the hashtag of #istandwithcherish or as I like to call it #stopspreadinghate #nojudgment #compassion #iamaChristian #loveoneanother

 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

~Marvin J. Ashton

 

 

 

 

 

 

Truth Time : My Biggest Secrets and Fears.

   Self esteem. I have been debating about whether or not to blog about this particular topic for a while. Honestly it has been something I have struggled with on and off throughout my life. I knew that blogging about it meant being completely vulnerable and even bringing to light some things I'm ashamed of. I have had this nagging feeling all morning that I needed to sit down and blog about it. It is a very real issue that A LOT of people struggle with.
    Time to get real. I've told ya'll that I'm not perfect and this experience that I'm about to share is exhibit A. I'm highly embarrassed to share it but I do think it could be of some worth and value to someone so here goes nothing.
    Once I started thinking about the possibility of having another relationship someday I began to start feeling incredibly insecure. The thoughts in my head went a little like this,  "I am this 28 year old mom with 4 kids already who has no job and no college education. I am not nearly as fit and in shape as I'd like to be. What man would be attracted to me?" Then I made the worst decision I've made during this process: I joined a popular dating app. One of those swipe left or right if you think this person is attractive things. My intention was NEVER to find someone to date or even flirt with. My sole reason for joining it was solely because I was insecure and I wanted to know if men even thought I was attractive. (Seriously I am so humiliated). No matter what my intention was it was a DUMB thing to do especially while still technically married. I never met any of these guys or had a relationship with them. I had a couple of them who tried to get me to meet them but I realized that I was in jeopardy of seriously violating my temple covenants and I was not okay with that. It didn't take me long to delete the account and I've never looked back. My point though is, why did I feel the need to be validated from men solely based on my looks, so much so, that I made a choice that was very contrary to my personal integrity? When did what men thought of me become more important than my values? It was a real eye opener for me.
   As a teenager I fell in love for the first time with an older boy. We talked about all kinds of spiritual things and I felt he really valued me as a daughter of God. He went on a mission and wrote me faithfully every single week for 2 years. I was certain I was going to marry him. I didn't. My dad died and I was dealing with stuff when he got home and he had his own personal stuff to sort through. One day I got a phone call and he admitted to me that he had chosen a different path for himself. He was no longer active in church and wasted no time finding another girl that was the opposite of me in every way. I was devastated! It rocked my self esteem to the core. How could he love me and say all of those things and then one day, just like that, not anymore? Even more confusing to me how could he have such an amazing testimony and then just lose it in a matter of weeks? I felt so rejected, he knew everything in my heart and ultimately chose something else.
   Fast forward to my relationship with Nic and the abuse. 1. When does anyone ever feel good about themselves when the person you love chooses pornography or some other perversion? 2. You begin to wonder if you weren't enough. Were you not attractive enough? Was there something wrong with what you were doing in the relationship? 3. Why didn't Nic love me and our life we had created enough to fight harder against his temptations?  I felt like I had been rejected not once, but twice by the only two men I had ever loved romantically. My self esteem was completely tanked for a while there.
  I knew if I was ever going to have the kind of relationship I really wanted that I needed to fix my self esteem on my own. Me, not a man. I've found that as I've delved deeper into the gospel that I've found my self esteem. My worth is not defined by how many heads I turn but from simply being Heavenly Father's daughter. It is a concept I always knew and was familiar with. A concept I had even taught in Young Women's and yet I hadn't received it to be true in my heart. I've spent hours praying to become who He would have me be. I've poured my soul out to Him about all of my insecurities. It wasn't until I made it a personal matter of prayer that I gained that knowledge in my heart. I have learned for myself that neither one of my relationships ending had anything to do with me not being good enough. I have always been worthy of love. And it certainly had nothing to do with my appearance. I think as women we far too often place our value ,unintentionally, in our appearance. Do I try to look nice? yes. Do I want to be healthy and fit? yes. However, those things are not who I am. They are not my identity! You want to know who I am, read this blog from start to finish. I am a Daughter of a Heavenly Father and that alone is enough! I have literally knelt down in prayer to Him and begged Him to help me see that being His daughter is where my self esteem should come from. I have pleaded with Him to help me be content with myself. I have asked that if it should be in His plan for me that He will direct me to a man who sees my heart and finds my heart more beautiful than my face. I don't want to be loved because I'm pretty. I don't want to be loved for any one trait.  I want to be loved because of all the unique qualities and talents He has blessed me with. I want to be loved because of what I have to give. I want to be loved because I am doing my very best to be a valiant daughter of a King!
   Since I have discovered my self esteem I have even viewed men differently. So they're good looking, so what? What do they have in their heart? Are they good and kind? I have begun to be so much more respectful of men and I no longer lust after celebrities the way I once did. (again embarrassed). I used to feel such a boost when I noticed someone checking me out. I still see heads turn now and again but I really don't care. I am so much more than my physical appearance, whether its good or bad! I do believe there has to be some sort of initial mutual attraction to start a relationship but that attraction doesn't always come from being classically good looking. What I find attractive is confidence and the light of Christ in their eyes. I was telling my YW on Sunday that you need to become what you want to attract. I want a man who is confident in His identity as a Son of God and has a personal relationship with Him so I need that to be where my confidence comes from. I have always had a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. What I lacked was the ability to see past certain experiences in my life and identify my worth solely in His love for me.
   I sure hope this helps someone otherwise I have completely exposed my darkest secrets and fears to the world for naught. Haha! Now that I've written it for literally anyone to read I have a sense of peace. I am who I am, I've been where I've been, and nothing is going to stop me from continuing to progress even closer to my Savior. There's no fear in the past only faith in the future.  I plead with anyone who is struggling with their self worth to turn to the Savior! I know the feeling of insecurity and self doubt all too well and it hurts me to think of others feeling that way. Please don't sell yourself short! You are so much more than a swipe left or right! You are more than the amount of head nods you do or don't get! You are more than the size of jeans you fit in! You are more than all of the things doubt and depression tells you that you are or aren't! Don't define yourself by your fears! Define yourself as a Child of God! The amazing thing about defining yourself that way is that there are no more comparisons. When you find your worth as a Child of God then you realize you are neither above or below anyone!!! We are all the same! All of us are equally loved and our worth doesn't change because of any one choice we have made or any choice we will make! Nothing that has ever happened to you can make you unlovable to Heavenly Father! Place your personal self esteem in the Savior and you can't go wrong!
  

You know I love me some Pinterest quotes ya'll!

One just for the men. I tend to direct most of my posts towards women.

 

In My Heart

  I believe part of forgiving is forgetting. It's been difficult for me to think about blogging more about what I've been through with Nic. I have forgiven him and I don't want to dwell on it. However, I've decided what I've been through might be helpful to some of you and I am also a BIG believer in learning from our past. Just keep in mind that as I write some more about things that have happened in my past I do so with no lingering feelings of pain or resentment. I also ask that you keep in mind that Nic, too, is evolving and changing. Who he was then is not the same person he is today or will be tomorrow. For better or for worse he is evolving. If you think about it we are all at least a little different then who we were a year ago or even last week.

   So much compassion and love has been extended to me this last year. Person after person has reached out to help me. People I haven't even talked to for years and even some people I have just met recently. I used to be cynical and assume everyone thought the worst of me until I could prove to them otherwise. I used to focus on the wickedness of the world and dwell on the decline of humanity. Yes, there are wars going on. Yes, there is wickedness. I am aware that so many innocent people suffer and endure horrific things. There is also a lot of good still in this world. I have seen so much compassion first hand in my life. I have read so many uplifting blogs and articles about all kinds of people doing amazing, incredible things to help others. The contrast between the good and evil has led me to ponder compassion and the role in plays in our world. How much of a difference does love and compassion really make? How does one really develop compassion for others if they've never received it themselves?
   I can remember many occasions when Nic would come home from work and whether he was tired or fighting inner demons, he would check out. He would turn on the TV and watch one of his many shows he religiously recorded. The kids would do something funny or sweet and I would feel like he was missing it. Occasionally there were even times when the kids were desperate for his attention and would beg him to play with them only for him to tell them he would later. It used to kill me! They will only be little once. I would look at these kids of mine and see each of them, in all of their unique divinity, and think "why can't he see how great they are?" He used to express to me frequently that he couldn't wait for the kids to become old enough so he could do things with them. He couldn't wait to take them camping, hunting, golfing, etc. All I could think was, "why wait?"
   I've thought a lot about this and how it parallels to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and how He views us. Sometimes we might struggle to see another individuals light or distinct worth. Some personalities just don't mesh as well together as others. We can become offended or even make rash judgments. How many times do you think Heavenly Father thinks, "Why can't Celeste just see how great so and so is?" He sees all of us for everything we are. He knows all of our flaws and eccentricities. He created us. Despite those things we may view as negative qualities about ourselves He also sees how great we are! He loves us unconditionally! I'm convinced if we saw the intentions and desires in everyone's hearts we would realize that we aren't all that different after all. Why can't we see how fantastic the person sitting next to us is? Are we not all God's children? Perhaps that's where compassion comes from; seeing others as children of God.
  Sometimes I really struggle to get past my own opinions of how others perceive me. I have been offended or hurt by something they said or did, sometimes deeply. I think one day I'll forgive them or maybe next week I should reach out to them. Why wait? As I look back on complicated relationships I've had with others I regret the time wasted in misunderstanding. It's easy to be offended but I've come to know that I can offend others just as easily as they can offend me. I really hate that feeling when I realize I've said something unintentionally that really hurt someone I respect and value. Again I ask why wait? Don't let things fester and get worse. Don't miss any valuable time.
   In my heart is good intentions. In my heart I want to be loved and love in return. In my heart is the desire to repent. In my heart I want to make a difference. In my heart the most important responsibility I have is that of being a parent. In my heart I want to forgive others and be forgiven. In my heart I want NOTHING more than to please my Heavenly Father and return to Him and help others to do the same. What's in your heart? When we put aside all social barriers and misconceptions are our hearts similar? If we could only allow our hearts to do the talking would we treat and view others differently? The closest relationships I have are with those people who see what's really in my heart and our hearts speak to each other.
   Looking at my children I see what I assume is just a glimpse of how our Heavenly Father must feel about all of us. As a mother I would pray that others would be kind and merciful towards my children. That they would give them the benefit of the doubt. I would hope that when my kids make really stupid mistakes that others would try to see the good that is in their hearts. I'm sure this is how Heavenly Father must feel about us. Love and forgiveness can change the world.  I'm so far from perfect, as I am only human, but I'm trying to view others with a Christ like love. I'm slowly learning and trying to see the world as He does. If I have offended you at some point, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry! Please forgive me for my imperfections, as there are many, and have patience with me as I try each day to become a little more like our Savior.
 

Not Strong Enough to Fight

    Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I dish out advice on this blog like I've conquered all of my trials and challenges. The truth is I haven't ; I have failed miserably some days. This last week I had a couple of days that were particularly challenging. I broke down. I was flat out beat up and exhausted. Where was all of this so called inner strength I had blogged about? I had nothing left. Nothing. I couldn't figure it out. I have endured, I have been faithful, I have been positive, why can't I catch a break? So as I usually do when I'm depleted I knelt in prayer. "Here I am Lord completely at your mercy. What is it I'm supposed to do? I'm empty, I have nothing left. I'm beat down and 100% exhausted!" At this point I was no longer kneeling and I was lying on my closet floor sobbing. The fatigue I felt was not physical. I was spiritually and emotionally drained. I lay there for quite a while until my sobs became silent tears. Eventually I got up and got ready for bed feeling numb. I didn't feel immediately better. I felt about the same. Empty. The next morning I woke up and felt a little better but I was still far from chipper. As I went about my day little things kept happening and slowly I found myself gaining strength. One positive thought turned into another and by the end of the day I felt rejuvenated. The thing about that day is I didn't do anything spectacular and still I found strength. So what was it that strengthened me? What recharged me when I was completely dead? A friend of mine said something profound to me, "True strength does not come from us. It comes from the atonement. The strength to forgive, the strength to pray, the strength to drag yourself to the temple one more time, the strength to dry your eyes one more day. Strength comes from the Lord." That stuck with me all day. I began to feel so much gratitude for the Savior and the atonement. The gratitude I felt led to a positive thought, "I can do this day and this challenge because of the atonement". One positive thought led to another and optimism and hope entered my heart once more.
     Since that day I have thought about happiness and hope. It wasn't long ago that I defined my happiness by a great vacation or new furniture. I lived from one thing to the next, always counting down the days until the next exciting thing would happen that would make me happy. One thing I've learned this year as I've lost so much is that happiness really doesn't come from those things. They can be fun and exciting, however, happiness is something entirely different. When you lose so much you learn that true happiness comes from acceptance and gratitude. Nobody can take my happiness away from me. My happiness stems from my testimony. Knowing who I am and Whose I am is where my happiness lies. When life is tough and I can't find it in me to fight any more I need to realize that it's not about fighting. It's about accepting the Lord's will for my life and turning it over to Him. It's about realizing that He has a plan for me and I don't have the same eternal perspective as He does. He knows things I don't.  Then I need to be grateful for that plan He has for me and what I do have. I have so many things to be grateful for! When I redefine my happiness by my divine identity as His child then it is hard to be unhappy.
   I am so completely aware of my dependency on the Lord for everything. Without Him I would be nothing. Plain and simple. I am weak. I am human. I have to be reminded of the same things over and over again. I will have a down day again where I feel empty. I will temporarily forget these things I've learned. The good news is Heavenly Father is the most patient parent. He always finds a way to lovingly remind me of my worth. He always lovingly reminds me that the atonement is there. I was never meant to do this alone. He knew I couldn't. He reminds me that He provided a Savior for me so that I could overcome these obstacles. I sobbed on that closet floor saying, "I just can't". Throughout the following day He found little ways to tell me that I can because of His Son.
   Even with this knowledge it is still not easy. Everyday I make a conscience choice to embrace the atonement. To embrace the atonement is to embrace happiness. Everyday I choose to change my thought patterns to reflect optimism and hope. I have negative thoughts all the time!! The difference is I try my best to not entertain them. Obviously I have bad days when I fail to correct those negative thoughts. The atonement brings a new day with new thoughts and new strength.
   If you find yourself saying you "just can't" please don't give up! Believe me, I've been there! I know that place all too well! You don't have to be strong enough to fight you just have to be humble enough to accept the atonement.

The Choices We Make

    After writing my last post my day began to spiral downward. The stress of looking for a job, trying to sell my house, all of the legal stuff that comes with a divorce, and being my kids everything started to wear on me. It all seemed to beat down on me. So I loaded the kids up in the car to get some sunshine and run some errands. While I was sitting there in traffic my negative thoughts only got worse. "Why do you think you can blog to help others? What do you think you're doing? You can't even handle your own life and you're going to help other people?! Get a grip!" I began to feel like a terrible mother. I just sat there in the 100 degree weather, trying to ignore the fighting kids in the backseat and had a pity party for myself in the middle of traffic. I'm not sure how this thought came to me next but all of a sudden I reversed course and just said, "stop it Celeste!!!!" I began to remind myself that happiness was a choice not a destination. I began to listen to those screaming voices in the back seat and feel grateful I was the one that got to hear those screams (unpleasant as they are). I reflected on my financial concerns and reminded myself of all the times I didn't know how we were going to make it and then something came up that provided. I decided to turn on some happy music to keep this positive momentum going.
    It is true that I am no shining beacon on a hill. I am a far cry from perfect. I swear when I shouldn't. I throw myself pity parties. I lose my temper with my kids almost daily. I cannot stop myself from lusting after Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt and Sam Hunt (I could go on but the list is embarrassingly long). I am selfish. I waste far too much time with Dubsmash. I never take meals to anyone in my ward and in fact I do my best to avoid it (I don't really cook for my family either). The point is I am human. People often comment on how strong I am. The truth is I'm not always. I guess if being strong means you keep trying then yes I'm strong. I love my Heavenly Father and I will always try for Him. I am not a perfect person and will never be. I will probably offend you at some point if I haven't already. Bottom line today in the car I accepted those things about myself and I chose to keep trying to be better and to be happy despite them.
   Satan plays this game with me all of the time where he tries to get me to negate all of the good things I do because I did something not good. He tries to get me to feel bad and not believe in myself. I feel like the same thing happens to people like my ex, Nic. What he did was horrendous and much worse than anything most of us have done but does that discredit the good things he did? I don't think it does. I feel like once someone hears the term, "murderer" or "sex offender" that they instantly think bad person. They really might be but I don't know that. I'm not their judge. I don't know all. I guess I used to think things were so black and white. Good and bad. When you go through abuse or live it you realize there is actually a lot of gray. Nic and I had a lot of good times together. We had happy times. There were times he made me feel so loved. He was a terrific friend. He could be a great daddy. That is what makes this so complicated and difficult to process. That is why it is so hard for victims to leave their abusers. Ultimately the choices themselves that he made to abuse were black. They were really bad. There were other choices he made that were white and good. I think that's how we get the gray. It's too hard for me to sort it out and I can't do it. I'm not God. I don't know what was in his heart or how hard he tried to fight. As victims we simply have to get out. We have to say goodbye to the good parts because the flip side is too dangerous. We have to protect ourselves and especially our children. I don't support what he did. I will never understand what he did. It is an evil thing beyond my comprehension but I don't have to understand it. I just have to protect my kids and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting when it comes to abuse. Be smart and protect yourself. Don't go back. Abuse patterns are SO hard to break and change.
    All of this leads me to one topic: Choices. Some might say I had a right to have a pity party given the circumstances but I chose to be happy instead. The choice Nic made to engage in sexually abusive behavior was his downfall. He made a lot of good choices before that. Obviously, he married me. jk (I couldn't resist.) Seriously though he chose to get married in the temple. He chose to have a family. He chose to attend church. He chose to work to support his family. One stupid little choice can lead to another stupid choice and before you know it you're at the bottom because you've made a really big, bad choice. Be careful with what you choose!!!! Every choice we make matters. Every choice we make determines our next choice. Nic didn't wake up one day and decide he was going to abuse our daughter. He made a lot of poor little choices that led to that choice. It is never too late to pull a Celeste and say "Stop it!!" Stop the thought process in its tracks and turn it around. Don't let those bad thoughts win. Don't let yourself get to rock bottom. Don't even play with fire. As soon as you recognize something isn't right STOP! Choose light. Choose Christ. Choose to try.

                                           Proof that Nic made some good choices: