Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

Meant to Meet

Do you ever feel like you were meant to meet someone? Like you were supposed to be somewhere at that exact time and moment?

When I moved to Utah I knew I had to get a plan going. Job, school, maybe both, something. I knew I wanted to be a nurse and so I did some research trying to figure out what the best way was for me to go about doing that as a single mom. I wanted to get a job at a hospital so they would help pay for some of my schooling. That led me to either phlebotomy or becoming a CNA. I then called around to all of the different programs I could find in the valley and compared them. After some careful consideration I opted for the CNA route. I knew I didn't want to waste time and I wanted to jump right in so I picked the course with the closest starting date and the best schedule for my family. After calling about 15 different course providers there was only one that seemed to fit the way I wanted. Eager to secure my spot I drove there the very next day and signed up for the course. 

There are a few reasons I think I was meant for that exact course. One being that in order to get to that location I would get to drive by my dad's cemetery everyday. It seems silly but little did I know that during that month I would have days where I needed to feel close to him. I would drive by every morning and shout out, "Morning dad. Help me out today if you can!" And then there were days when I was overcome with grief as I realized my mom was getting sicker and sicker. I would drive by on those days and say, "Please take care of mom today." Being able to "talk" to him gave me some added courage and comfort. 

The main reason I was supposed to take that particular course was the people I met. My instructor, Linda, was divinely placed in my life at that time. During lunch and on breaks we would often get to talking as a class and Linda had such a way about her that you just felt loved and cared about. More often than not our discussions would sway towards spiritual matters, none of us having the same religious backgrounds. As she talked about the elderly people we would care for and the things they would experience often tears would fill her eyes. This is what healthcare is all about, or should be. Caring, love, healing. She taught us all a valuable lesson. It didn't take long for us classmates to form a friendship and a bond with Linda. 

About half way through my course my mom came to me one day when I got home and showed me her pillow case which was sprinkled with blood. At this time my family knew she had been sick for too long but we didn't know what it was she was sick with. She had been previously diagnosed with pneumonia and given antibiotics and even steroids but she wasn't getting better. In my heart I knew there was something else wrong. I couldn't hide my concern and it didn't take Linda long to realize something was wrong. My class would sit and listen to me talk about it as we ate lunch or before class and it became a safe place for me to vent. 

We were doing clinics at a skilled nursing facility one Friday and my mom was supposed to be getting the results back from her doctor that day as to whether or not she had cancer. I had wanted to stay home and be with my mom when she received the news but she insisted I go and she would call me right away. So I went and I asked Linda for special permission to answer my phone should it ring. About halfway through the morning my phone started buzzing in my scrubs pocket. It just so happens I was answering call lights with Linda at that exact moment. "Can I take it?"  "Go". I stepped out into the hall waiting to hear my mom confirm what I already knew. Deep breathe, "Hey so?"  Two. Words.  "It's cancer." "Do you need me to come home? Are you okay?" I asked. My mom insisted that I stay. So I hung up just as Linda came out into the hall. She looked at me with eyes that knew and simply said, "you need to go". At that point the tears started flowing and wouldn't stop. SHOCK! SO MUCH SHOCK! "How is this real? Cancer. Cancer. Cancer." I kept repeating it in my mind. "My mom has cancer." Linda walked me down the stairs and out to my car. She grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes, and wiped my snot from my face. (That's right. She wiped my gross, runny nosed, snot. That's compassion!) "Are you going to be okay driving home?" "Yes." She hugged me and told me to go be with my mom. "You should both get a priesthood blessing," And as she turned to walk away, "Oh and Celeste, seek comfort in the scriptures." 

I am so pleased to say that Linda and I are still friends. We just went to lunch last week in fact. Her sweet spirit and her passion for serving others have changed me. I know I was supposed to be with her when I found out about my mom's cancer. I know I was supposed to take that class to prepare me for all of the things I would have to do to care for my mom. I know I needed to drive by my dad often to feel some support from him. My classmates will be my life long friends. I know I was supposed to meet them. They were supposed to make me laugh and smile by saying stupid things like, "you look like John Travolta". They too had hard things they were experiencing and going through. We were an odd bunch. I don't think any of us would ever have become friends without that class with such diverse backgrounds. Linda was our glue. That class was more than a CNA certification program. It was where we were all supposed to be to find each other. 

A Thankful Heart

   This Thanksgiving my thoughts kept circling back to where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving. When my daughter told the school counselor about the abuse she said it started on Thanksgiving. She said grandma was staying in her room but for some reason she wasn't there that night. As I have thought back to last Thanksgiving it all makes perfect sense. Nic loved spending time with my family so if they were in town usually he would go back over to where they were at after we got the kids in bed for the night. Last year he told me I should go spend time with my family. I remember looking at him a little shocked thinking it was strange. After a few minutes I decided I would go and I figured maybe he was trying to be more generous and less selfish. I greatly appreciated the night off with my family. Little did I know that he wanted me to go so he could be alone with our daughter. It used to haunt me that Thanksgiving was where it all began. I remember feeling so guilty. How did I not know? Where was my mother's intuition? The truth is it all began a long time before that day. He must have been having thoughts for some time before he actually acted on them.
    So a year later here I am and honestly I couldn't be more grateful. I'm grateful first of all that my kids are safe. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father guided me to do all the right things so I could protect my babies. My daughter no longer has to endure sexual abuse and is on the path of healing. I'm grateful she has been so resilient and that the atonement has worked as a balm on her heart. I'm grateful she was prompted to tell some little girl that she didn't really know that her daddy was touching her. She was prompted to tell the right little girl, the little girl that would encourage her to tell the counselor at school. I'm grateful for that little girls parents for teaching her what to do. If I knew who they were I would give them a huge hug and thank them from the bottom of my heart. I'm thankful for all of the social workers, family, friends, lawyers, officers, teachers, and the judge that made it possible for me to get to this point. Because of their help and support my kids are safe. My daughter doesn't have to be afraid to go to sleep in her bed at night.
    I'm grateful for the generosity of others. This past year would have been absolutely crushing without the loving compassion of others. I cannot even begin to say how much every smile, kind thought, prayer, act of service and financial donation has meant to me. I make sure to tell my kids all the time how lucky we are and how important it is to help others. I feel like I'm being redundant but I am quite honestly blown away by the generous acts of others. I am inspired by these acts to be better and do better. To know that I have not only my personal family and friends but complete strangers rooting and pulling for my little family to succeed inspires me to keep going, to keep fighting, and I strive to be like those who have helped me. Their love and generosity has forever changed my heart.
    I'm grateful for my siblings. This last year my family has experienced many hardships. The shocking news about Nic's abuse devastated my family. Many of them have also experienced a lot of pain in their own personal lives. A brother and sister-in-law lost their teenage nephew in a tragic accident. As you can imagine it was heartbreaking. Then this fall my family received even more devastating news when we found out about my mom's cancer. As we have had such difficult times we've been together a lot more than usual. What I'm so grateful for is the time we've spent together even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. We have laughed and cried together many times this last year and I so appreciate that we have each other. None of us have to experience these things all alone. I'm so grateful for the intense loyalty and love I receive from my family. I know that my siblings have my back no matter what. Their lives are busy and they can't always be there but because of the quality time we have shared together I never doubt their love.
    I'm thankful for my mom's testimony. I'm thankful that she was always an example to me and that she taught me well. Many people have commended me for my spiritual strength. I truthfully cannot take any credit. I did not become this way all on my own. It was my mother who instilled in me from a very young age the importance of a relationship with Heavenly Father. Over the years she has taught me many spiritual life lessons. I'm grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I would not be where I am today without her. It is because of her that I know that no matter what life throws my way I will be okay as long as I cling tightly to the gospel. She has consistently been my rock. I am so grateful that we have had more time with her. Her stroke scared us all. We weren't sure we were going to get her back. Those were some dark days for our family. My heart is so full that we were able to spend thanksgiving with her and that she was able to enjoy it. I don't know what the cancer will do to her or when it will take her from this life but I'm so grateful for each and every moment I get with her and for the blessed opportunity I have now to extend some service to her. It is my turn to care for and nurture her. I am so happy to do it.
    I'm thankful for the four little humans that I get to call my own. My kids are the reason I go on when I feel like giving up. They're the reason I smile when I've had a bad day. They're the reason I get up and choose to fight each and every day of my life no matter how damn hard it is to fight. They drive me crazy sometimes but my love for them goes so deep that I can't stay crazy. I look at them and marvel at their perfectly healthy little bodies, their dimples, their little blonde heads. I am in awe of their unique and marvelous personalities. How are these wild, sweet, crazy, funny, smart, loving kids mine? My kids give me purpose. They breathe new life into me each and every time they give me a hug or flash a smile my way. Sometimes I suspect that they do far more for me than I do for them. I consider myself very blessed to be their mama.
     I could go on and on as I have MUCH to be grateful for. Perhaps the thing I am the most grateful for is a wise and loving Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. In Heavenly Father's wisdom and love He has guided and protected me this past year through some really rough waters. The storm was coming no matter what. Nic did what he did and my mom's cancer couldn't have been prevented. Without Heavenly Father's help I would surely have drowned with the immensity of it all. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done but I'm positive I would've self destructed from the weight of it all without a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Never have I faced more pressure and strain on me than I have this past year. Heavenly Father completely took over and guided me when it came to Nic's criminal charges. I was literally told step by step what to do. Then in His infinite wisdom He sent me to Utah. I never wanted to move back to Utah and when I finally did I still didn't know the full purpose behind it. I was brought here to be with and care for my mom at this difficult time for her. I am so grateful I listened to Him when I didn't want to. I couldn't possibly know my mom had cancer at the time. When I have felt I was in way over my head, when I've felt like I absolutely couldn't rise up to what was being required of me, through deep prayer the atonement has time and time again come to my rescue. It has been my most powerful defense against the adversary. I get up on my own two feet and I continue to surprise myself with what I'm capable of as I let the atonement strengthen and sustain me. I would be no where without the atonement. I promise you I am not as strong as I seem in fact most of the time I feel quite the opposite, I am so incredibly weak and human, for this reason I am beyond thankful for my Heavenly Father and His Son.
    I have been taught many things. I have witnessed miracles. I have been the recipient of more generosity than I even knew existed. My heart is truly full.  As I have reflected on who I was and where I was a year ago I am so grateful to be who I am and where I am now. I have NO reason not to have a thankful heart always.

Broke and Grateful

  

   With Nic in prison for five years that means no child support. I was well aware of that fact when I made the decision to turn him in. I didn't know how I would provide for my kids but I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of us. He definitely has but that doesn't mean it has always been easy. I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born. I have little job experience and no degree. It has been difficult, to say the least, to figure out my finances. After getting married I got pregnant pretty quickly. It had always been my goal to be a stay at home mom and to then pursue a college degree when the kids were all in school. My perfect little plan didn't work out and now I find myself between a rock and a hard place. It is hard for me to blog about this. I don't want people to pity me and I'm not asking for handouts. I have a pride problem and I strongly dislike asking for help financially.

    One day this last spring I was reading my scriptures and I came across a particular passage that touched me. I was so concerned about money and providing for my kids. It was overwhelming.
    
Matthew 6:28-33

 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shallhe not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

.  Despite my pride Heavenly Father has found a way to bless my little family and take care of us. I had some money from tax returns that I stretched as long as I could. When that was gone I held a yard sale and sold stuff online. I had a kind woman from my past send me a check for $500.00 and at another point I received another $500.00 from some relatives. At my daughter's baptism someone slipped a $100.00 bill in my purse. A friend paid my utility bills for a while. My mom has paid my lawyer's fees. A family member has taken care of all of my gas expenses for the car for the last couple of months. My car broke down on two different occasions and my mom paid for it one time and the next time another family member paid for it. A family friend mailed me a check for another $100.00 not that long ago. When the kids started school a couple of family members took them clothes shopping. Since moving to Utah a friend of mine even bought a dresser for the boys room! I feel like I have been the queen of handouts and it has about killed me and my pride! I have been humbled more times then I can count. Each time someone has helped me they have done so with no hesitation and they always insist that it's really okay. More often than not they have volunteered to help without me even asking.

 Many times I have prayed, "Heavenly Father please help me to know what to do to take care of my kids both financially and emotionally". The timing wasn't right for me to get a job because I wasn't supposed to be in Idaho and my kids needed me to be around. They had already lost one parent and they weren't ready for me to be gone a lot too. This was made clear to me one night when I went to check on my oldest son at bedtime. He was lying on his bed staring straight up at the ceiling and I could tell something was bothering him. "What's wrong buddy?" Nothing, dead silence. This was not uncommon for him. He had a very difficult time processing his feelings and would often shut down. After lying next to him for a few minutes he finally came out with it, "Mom if you're going to go to work and school who will take care of us? When will we see you? We don't see daddy anymore." One tiny tear trickled down his cheek. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I had no idea this little boy was harboring so many fears. I did my best to comfort him and when he finally fell asleep I laid there in the dark silently crying. How do I be all things to these kids? How do I provide for all of their needs?

   Because of so many of you I haven't had to do it all on my own. I have been able to be there for my kids the way they've needed me. I've seen light come back into their eyes and smiles come back to their faces. As I type this I can't help but cry because as a mother you have no idea what it means to me that I have been able to be the one to comfort them. They are healing and I believe they are finally ready to let go of me a little more. 

   Last week I had $2 in my wallet and about $20 in my bank account. I had just told my sister to go ahead and pawn my wedding ring. The mail came and I received a sweet note from an anonymous reader of this blog and a very generous donation via cashier's check. I immediately fell to my knees in prayer and sobbed with gratitude.  I want that person to know that I will keep that note forever! Because of that donation I will be able to afford a certification class that I needed in order to pursue my career as a nurse. I will be able to buy my kids coats for the winter. My heart is forever touched by that act of kindness. I vowed to myself that day that I will do the same thing for someone else one day. 

   I often drive up to a spot at night where I can see the whole valley and all of the city lights. When I'm there I turn off the car and just think and ponder on all of the ways God has directed my life. I can see His hand so clearly in my life. Every single thing that didn't work out was for a reason. There have been little signs pointing me in a certain direction almost daily. I sit and I think about the way God has answered my prayers through all of you. I feel so small in a big and beautiful world and I can see so much opportunity and goodness in my future. My life is hard but it is unfolding so beautifully. I am doing things I never thought I was capable of doing. I am growing and evolving. I am learning to be more compassionate and in the process I am finding my passion. None of this would be possible without the incredible people who've helped me along the way! We are truly here to serve and help each other along. I feel so very blessed and fortunate that as I've done my best and still fallen short that my prayers have been heard and answered by so many of you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mine is a gratitude that will last through the eternities. 


This song came to my mind while thinking about all of those who have helped me. It is my hope and deepest wish to help others the way I have been helped. Because of the compassion I've been shown my heart has been changed. I feel a deep need inside of me to help others. How can I be a heart in the right place? How can I make someone's day a little brighter? As we turn to the Savior I know he will direct us to those who are in need. I have made a very good friend during this process who has simply listened to the promptings of the spirit and following those promptings led our paths to cross. To make a long story short because of this friendship things have come about that have helped me to forgive Nic and I have gained more confidence in who I am and my life moving forward. There is no way this person could have become my friend without listening to the spirit. There are no coincidences! Align yourself spiritually and listen to those promptings that come to you and you can be a heart in the right place. There is someone you can help "not too far from here". 

"Not Too Far From Here"

Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest, while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds, the road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
(Not too far)
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Now I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To every needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Someone is waiting
(Waiting)
Not too far from here

The Question All Christians Should Ask : "Am I a Christian?"

   

    Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, Nic Butterfield. What do these 3 people have in common? One is famous and is used to being in the public eye. Another is a mother from Arizona who I know very little about. Finally the last is my ex whom I know a lot about and he is pretty well known in the valley where we live. What links these three together? They are all Christians whose mistakes have been made public. They have all been judged very harshly by other people who are Christian as well.
   What is a Christian? Let's look at the basic definition:

 

Chris·tian

ˈkrisCHən/

noun

plural noun: Christians

1. a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings

 

 "A believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings". That stuck out to me. On my own path to forgiveness for Nic I have thought a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Jesus taught a lot of things many of which I still don't fully comprehend. I don't claim to be an expert on His life although I am daily trying to learn more about Him. We learn through the scriptures repeatedly that Jesus taught about love. Jesus taught about compassion. Jesus taught about forgiveness. The Sermon on the Mount is a terrific example of a time that He taught these virtues.

 

 

Matthew 5:38-40

 

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

 

Matthew 5: 43-44

 

43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

Matthew 7:1-5

 

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 

At the Last Supper He, again, gives counsel to love one another.

 

John 13: 34-35

 

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    

  I could go on. There are so many accounts in the scriptures where Jesus tells us to love one another. To forgive our enemies. Not to place judgment.

  I have seen so many people say such awful hateful things. I'm not the type to be hateful and never have been but I have been guilty of placing judgment. Before this experience of abuse in my own life my perspective towards obvious sin was very different. If someone made an obvious mistake then I could be quick to jump on the band wagon of casting blame. I had moments where I was an "eye for an eye" kind of person. I am ashamed of those thoughts and thinking patterns. When Nic was sentenced they published it in the paper and the online media forums for the paper. I made the mistake of reading some of the comments below. It made me physically ill. What he did was heinous but when did it become okay to wish for a complete stranger to die?

 Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, and Nic Butterfield have all been publically and openly judged. They have varying levels of mistakes. In Cherish's case it was just that, a mistake. Nic and Josh have actually sinned. Whatever the reason or cause, when did it become okay to point fingers and condemn someone? Where in the scriptures does Christ give us permission to call someone a terrible mother? Where does Christ say it's okay to hate someone we don't even know? Where does it say it's okay to hate period? I do feel compassion for Josh Duggar. It is a heart wrenching and grievous thing his family is now having to endure as a result of his choices. I feel so much empathy for his wife. He has obviously made some horrible mistakes and choices but I am not perfect. I cannot cast a stone. There needs to be consequences. I am a firm believer in being accountable for ALL of our choices. If I didn't believe in accountability I would not have gone to such great lengths in my life to see that Nic was held accountable. What I cannot and do not support is spreading judgment and hate. Instead of name calling and labeling how much better would this world be if we sought for solutions for the problem. How can we stop abuse? Does calling him an explicit term do anything to keep it from happening to someone else? No! Stand  up and choose to make a difference. Stand up and choose to think a little deeper about motivations and the cause of the problem. When we choose to expand our thoughts beyond judgment and hate we will find solutions to problems. When we choose to embrace love and seek His help then we can make a difference! Be more intelligent then the ignorance of hatred!

   If we want this world to become a better place then we need to teach our children to follow Christ. To really love one another including our enemies and those we don't understand. I will never fully understand or comprehend  Nic's choices but I don't need to. It doesn't say love your enemy only if you understand them. Comprehension for someone's behavior is not required in order to have compassion for them. Initially there was a lot of anger. Finally I had to look inside myself and really question ,"Am I a Christian? What does that mean?"

   Bottom line no matter what it is, sin or innocent mistake ; stop passing judgment! Stop spreading hate! If we claim to be Christians then we need to try a little harder and make more of an effort to forgive and love EVERYBODY! Will I love perfectly like Christ did? Probably not. But I can sure be better then I have been before.

  A friend of mine shared this quote today on a facebook group page that is supporting Cherish with the hashtag of #istandwithcherish or as I like to call it #stopspreadinghate #nojudgment #compassion #iamaChristian #loveoneanother

 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

~Marvin J. Ashton

 

 

 

 

 

 

In My Heart

  I believe part of forgiving is forgetting. It's been difficult for me to think about blogging more about what I've been through with Nic. I have forgiven him and I don't want to dwell on it. However, I've decided what I've been through might be helpful to some of you and I am also a BIG believer in learning from our past. Just keep in mind that as I write some more about things that have happened in my past I do so with no lingering feelings of pain or resentment. I also ask that you keep in mind that Nic, too, is evolving and changing. Who he was then is not the same person he is today or will be tomorrow. For better or for worse he is evolving. If you think about it we are all at least a little different then who we were a year ago or even last week.

   So much compassion and love has been extended to me this last year. Person after person has reached out to help me. People I haven't even talked to for years and even some people I have just met recently. I used to be cynical and assume everyone thought the worst of me until I could prove to them otherwise. I used to focus on the wickedness of the world and dwell on the decline of humanity. Yes, there are wars going on. Yes, there is wickedness. I am aware that so many innocent people suffer and endure horrific things. There is also a lot of good still in this world. I have seen so much compassion first hand in my life. I have read so many uplifting blogs and articles about all kinds of people doing amazing, incredible things to help others. The contrast between the good and evil has led me to ponder compassion and the role in plays in our world. How much of a difference does love and compassion really make? How does one really develop compassion for others if they've never received it themselves?
   I can remember many occasions when Nic would come home from work and whether he was tired or fighting inner demons, he would check out. He would turn on the TV and watch one of his many shows he religiously recorded. The kids would do something funny or sweet and I would feel like he was missing it. Occasionally there were even times when the kids were desperate for his attention and would beg him to play with them only for him to tell them he would later. It used to kill me! They will only be little once. I would look at these kids of mine and see each of them, in all of their unique divinity, and think "why can't he see how great they are?" He used to express to me frequently that he couldn't wait for the kids to become old enough so he could do things with them. He couldn't wait to take them camping, hunting, golfing, etc. All I could think was, "why wait?"
   I've thought a lot about this and how it parallels to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and how He views us. Sometimes we might struggle to see another individuals light or distinct worth. Some personalities just don't mesh as well together as others. We can become offended or even make rash judgments. How many times do you think Heavenly Father thinks, "Why can't Celeste just see how great so and so is?" He sees all of us for everything we are. He knows all of our flaws and eccentricities. He created us. Despite those things we may view as negative qualities about ourselves He also sees how great we are! He loves us unconditionally! I'm convinced if we saw the intentions and desires in everyone's hearts we would realize that we aren't all that different after all. Why can't we see how fantastic the person sitting next to us is? Are we not all God's children? Perhaps that's where compassion comes from; seeing others as children of God.
  Sometimes I really struggle to get past my own opinions of how others perceive me. I have been offended or hurt by something they said or did, sometimes deeply. I think one day I'll forgive them or maybe next week I should reach out to them. Why wait? As I look back on complicated relationships I've had with others I regret the time wasted in misunderstanding. It's easy to be offended but I've come to know that I can offend others just as easily as they can offend me. I really hate that feeling when I realize I've said something unintentionally that really hurt someone I respect and value. Again I ask why wait? Don't let things fester and get worse. Don't miss any valuable time.
   In my heart is good intentions. In my heart I want to be loved and love in return. In my heart is the desire to repent. In my heart I want to make a difference. In my heart the most important responsibility I have is that of being a parent. In my heart I want to forgive others and be forgiven. In my heart I want NOTHING more than to please my Heavenly Father and return to Him and help others to do the same. What's in your heart? When we put aside all social barriers and misconceptions are our hearts similar? If we could only allow our hearts to do the talking would we treat and view others differently? The closest relationships I have are with those people who see what's really in my heart and our hearts speak to each other.
   Looking at my children I see what I assume is just a glimpse of how our Heavenly Father must feel about all of us. As a mother I would pray that others would be kind and merciful towards my children. That they would give them the benefit of the doubt. I would hope that when my kids make really stupid mistakes that others would try to see the good that is in their hearts. I'm sure this is how Heavenly Father must feel about us. Love and forgiveness can change the world.  I'm so far from perfect, as I am only human, but I'm trying to view others with a Christ like love. I'm slowly learning and trying to see the world as He does. If I have offended you at some point, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry! Please forgive me for my imperfections, as there are many, and have patience with me as I try each day to become a little more like our Savior.
 

I Forgive You

   I filed for divorce in February and a little over six months later I am still married. Our divorce has been an ugly process. We have continually debated back and forth about what was fair. I felt like I wasn't the one that made the mistake and I had all four kids to take care of alone so I should get everything. I had quite a few people, my lawyer included, who believed the same. This was, after all, a case of abuse. Every single time I would suggest something and Nic would turn it down I would get so hurt. "Why can't he just see he's wrong and make amends by letting me have what I want?" I felt like I had forgiven him or at least made good progress but he simply wouldn't let me go. Hearing after hearing, week after week it continued. That was a good majority of the reason I was so emotionally exhausted last week. I wanted it to be done and behind me. I felt trapped.
   Last week after a few different conversations with a few different people I began to question the sincerity of the forgiveness I thought I had for Nic. I had told anybody who would listen that I wanted Nic to repent and redeem himself but did I? Did I forgive him if his repenting meant he'd be an active part of the kids life someday? Did I really want him around? When I was really honest with myself I didn't. I was still angry. I didn't even realize how angry I was. I felt like because I wasn't bashing him and speaking ill of him that I must not be angry, right? Wrong. Truth be told I was only willing to forgive him if he did things exactly the way I thought he should. Even then I wanted him to just set us free. He had lost his right to be a part of our lives, in my opinion, the moment he made the choice to abuse our daughter. I wanted him to go away and just let us be happy. Is that really forgiveness? Am I his judge? Do I get to say when he is or isn't repentant? These things all went through my mind last week.
   Flash forward to this morning. I was getting ready and a Kelly Clarkson song came on titled, "Already Gone".

              "Already Gone"

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ah already gone, already gone, already gone
Ah already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

 I had skipped this song every time it played in the past. It used to bug me that it said, "you couldn't have loved me better". I would get upset and think that's a lie he could've. This time I decided to listen to it. It wasn't long before my heart started softening and I began to connect with the lyrics. I didn't want us to burn out. I was sick of hurting him. I can't make it feel right because I know it's wrong. I was and am already gone. Then a flood of good memories of Nic came to my mind all at once. In those good memories he really couldn't have loved me better. The next thing I knew my anger was gone. Poof! In it's place was compassion. He did make his bed. He was wrong but it didn't matter. I felt compassion for him all the same. All of the hurtful things, even the abuse didn't excuse me from really forgiving him. For so long I was caught up on what was fair when it didn't even matter. Nothing about this was fair! It wasn't about being fair. It was about forgiveness and compassion. The best part was that it was a peaceful feeling. I was moved and touched but I didn't cry and sob over the pain or the loss. My eyes welled a little but only with gratitude to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for lifting this burden off of me. One more time in my life in ,perhaps, an even more powerful way I have learned that THE ATONEMENT IS REAL!
  I felt an urgency to talk to Nic. To tell him how I felt so we could make amends and move on. I called his mom and asked her if next time she talked to Nic she would tell him to call me. She agreed and we talked on the phone for quite a while about forgiveness. Finally she just invited me to come over. We made plans to go to the library and do some shopping. I loaded the kids up and headed that direction. When I got there she immediately handed me the phone. Was there even a question who it was? Heavenly Father, working His magic again, had orchestrated the timing so perfectly. She couldn't call him but it just so happened that Nic called at that exact moment. I was excited to tell him that I forgave him not even knowing how the rest of the divorce would go or how he felt. I told him I forgave him and that I was sorry that we wasted so much time and money in court. I told him I hoped he would get better and repent and I meant it with all of my heart. I told him I loved him but I couldn't love him romantically and hadn't for a long time. I loved him as a child of God. I loved him as the father of my children. I loved him as a piece of my life that made me who I am. I told him I needed to protect the kids first and foremost and that creating our new life was my priority and had to be now. He cried. He too was sorry. He had been praying for us and he was beyond grateful that I had forgiven him. He backed me up 100% as a mother and supported all the decisions I needed to make. We both felt so much peace from that conversation and felt united that this was what was best for the kids.
  Not long after that I got a phone call from my lawyer. He had sent me a copy of Nic's response to my most recent proposition for the divorce. Last week before talking to me Nic had agreed to all of my terms except one. On that one term he came back with an idea that was even better for the kids. His response reflected that of someone who was sorry. Actions and words were aligned. Of course I agreed to the terms and the divorce is on it's way to being finalized.
  I feel so blessed! How fortunate I am that my marriage is ending on this note. A week ago I would've thrown a party and been so excited to be done with it simply because I was free of Nic. Today I am humbled. My attitude has changed. I am still grateful to be able to move on and create my new life. This is right. We aren't supposed to be together. I don't love him the way a wife should. There is somebody else out there for me. However, today I feel grateful that we care about each other enough to let each other go. We are allowing each other to be happy. We have made the choice to do what's best for our children. There is so much peace that comes with that decision.
   Nic did some horrible things (I wasn't perfect either) and I don't know what he'll choose for his future. I don't know if he really will continue down this path of repentance. What I do know is that today I found forgiveness without even knowing what would happen with the divorce. Today I realized forgiveness has no strings attached. It's not really forgiveness if it's predicated on them fulfilling certain expectations. Forgiveness has no expectations. I was fortunate enough that it worked out well for me but I wasn't expecting it to when I forgave him. Forgiveness is a gift, a tender mercy. I call it a tender mercy because it really was. I couldn't force it to happen, believe me I tried. It just came. I don't know why it happened the way it did for me but I do know that my entire day was orchestrated around forgiveness. Heavenly Father's hand guided my day and again I'm even more sure that He is in control of my life as I submit myself to His will.
   Most of you know I have been reading Jesus the Christ and as I've been reading about Christ's final days of His life I have been overwhelmed with His ability to love and forgive those that have persecuted him. When the Roman soldiers came to arrest Him in Gethsemane Peter smote one of them on the ear with a sword. Peter's actions were in defense of His beloved Savior. I can honestly relate to that instinct to protect those I love. Would we not all feel a desire to protect our innocent loved one from evil? In response Christ steps forward and heals his ear then rebukes Peter, "all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be? The cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?" Christ not only forgives this Roman soldier for coming to take Him to His death but He goes a step further and heals his ear.
   Again this is but one example of many that illustrates perfect love and forgiveness. Christ was the ultimate example of forgiveness! Withholding true forgiveness was like Peter taking the sword. It was a choice on my part to fight instead of submitting to the will of the Father. We have been commanded to forgive all men, was I exempt from this commandment? Surely I can try to follow the Savior's example and show some compassion after forgiveness. The Savior's example teaches that the two virtues go hand in hand.
  With all of this being said; forgiveness is a process. It doesn't come as quickly to some as it does to others. Be patient with yourself and realize it takes time. How much time is not always our choice. Keep praying for forgiveness. Study forgiveness. Study the Savior's life and one day the atonement will take the pain and the anger away from you.