Cold, Hard, Ugly Truth

So here it is, the cold, hard, ugly truth; the real reason I haven't felt like keeping up on my blog is I am afraid of being vulnerable. Somewhere along the way I distorted things in my head and began to feel like I could only write when I was feeling strong or when I had answers or insights that might help others. I had to be inspiring and I wasn't feeling inspired. The truth is I haven't felt strong in a very long time. I think I am more like my mom than I even realized. She was notorious for responding with, "I'm okay" when she really wasn't. In fact, if she said those words we knew she really wasn't. The truth is I'm not always okay and that is okay. The truth is I don't have all the answers or even a handful of them. The truth is my faith is being tested. The truth is I have good days and bad days. The truth is I still have breakdowns once in a while.

Today we sold my mom's house. I went to the title company and picked up a pen and signed my name in all the right places. Except, they weren't really the right places because I shouldn't have had to sign my name at all. Those documents shouldn't have even existed. A sign should never have been stuck in her yard. She should never have gotten sick. She should still be alive! I have had so many conflicting feelings as I process all of the changes that have taken place. I am still having trouble accepting her death. This is grief. These are the emotions people deal with after the funeral is over and everyone has gone home. Life goes on and we're expected to move on with it. I'm trying. Some days it's literally putting one foot in front of the other.

As quickly as negative thoughts come, they are replaced with thoughts of gratitude. "Thank you God for letting me care for her! Thank you God for letting her be my mother! Thank you God for her life and the impact it has had on mine." In the end the gratitude always wins out. I would go through all of the pain a thousand times over for the opportunity to serve her again! For me, love and gratitude will always conquer hate and pain. 

That being said, in the months following her death I have started 17 different blog posts attempting to express my feelings only to stop a few sentences in. Grief is complicated and I've been ashamed that I don't have it all together. "Where is my faith?", "Do I or do I not believe I'll see her again?", "How could God do this to our family?" "I have been doing all the right things, I am a good person and this is how God repays me?", "Haven't we suffered enough?", "Forget about me, how could God do this to my kids?" Even now knowing that these thoughts are a normal part of grief I still feel guilty for having thought them. I have screamed and cursed God's name more times than I care to admit as I wept in a blind rage that my mom, my best friend in the entire world was taken from me too soon. Then came the shame... I KNOW the truth! I have seen miracles firsthand in my life. I CANNOT deny God's existence nor His love for me and yet when my mom passed away I wondered why He didn't care about me. I wondered where He was when I needed Him. After all we had already lost this didn't feel like love. If He was real and could really see me than why did I continue to hurt so much? Why couldn't He throw me a bone and give me a break? I found myself feeling certain I could not write about these thoughts because they were too dark, too moody and who would they help? No, I would have to process the feelings of anger and abandonment silently and privately.

So why am I writing about those feelings now? I'm still not on the other side of this trial. I guess the answer is the same reason I started this blog in the very first place. I want to help someone, even if it's just one person. Hiding my true feelings and brushing them under the rug so that I appear like I'm doing okay doesn't help anybody. Life isn't a perfect package and grief isn't something we can orchestrate. I am making gains with my happiness. I feel myself slowly healing and progressing towards the happiness I know will be mine. Despite the sadness, I have never stopped laughing even when my heart feels heaviest. Most people around me probably had no idea how much I was hurting. I wasn't faking laughter or forcing happiness it just wasn't lasting joy. The moment I was alone with my thoughts I would feel depressed again. I know based on previous experience with losing my dad that one day I'll find that my heart feels light again and laughter fills my soul, not just the moment I'm in. I think I'm over the darkest part of it now, for the first time in a while I feel hope. I want to share that hope with others. I want those that are grieving and possibly thinking some of the same thoughts that I have felt so ashamed of to know that they are not alone! God hasn't abandoned us no matter how much it feels that way (more to come on this later). Today is an important step for me because I'm choosing to be open again, I'm choosing to be vulnerable. Today I choose to be honest and admit I still have fears and doubts. Ironically admitting those fears and doubts is precisely what makes me grow stronger and feel braver. Remembering that I have a Savior who atoned for my pain, my fear, and my shame is the first step to becoming fearless!

Back to the Beginning

Tonight the rain is pouring outside my window while I'm tucked safely inside my cozy, little basement apartment. Tonight that same rain seems to be reflecting the feelings of my heart. The last few days my heart has been constantly weeping for the loss of my mom. I get up, get the kids to school, run my errands and do my daily tasks, pick up my kids and I smile and play with them, I tuck them in bed and kiss their sweet cheeks trying to soak in every ounce of their goodness and in return give them all of the love I have, and then the tears my heart has been silently crying all day are finally free to slide down my cheeks. Tonight it is time to write again. Tonight I am going to take it back to the beginning.... 

The cooler temperatures of the fall seem to be bringing back vivid memories to my mind. It was this time last year that I moved to Utah. I didn't know then that the months of September and October would be my last two months spent with my mom before she would become dependent on me. We spent those two months in the same manner that we usually spent time together. We were oblivious to the poison inside her body that would soon take her life. Ignorance was bliss.

There is one particular night in September that sticks out to me. Remember the lice my daughter had had the previous spring? Turns out she actually had SUPER lice! Apparently super lice cannot be killed with over-the-counter lice treatments. On this September evening I discovered that not only did she have it, but so did all of my boys! I was distraught. I could not do lice anymore. My mom and I took the boys out back and completely shaved off all their hair. We worked late into the night bagging up all of the pillows, washing the linens, vacuuming, and combing through hair. We decided we better check our own hair as well. My mom and I took turns combing through each other's hair using a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass (keep in mind we both have very thick heads of hair). Any of you who have dealt with lice before will know what a painstakingly slow process it is to thoroughly check for lice. Seeing as it was now our third go around with lice in six months time (thank you super lice) my mom and I decided to also chemically treat our hair despite not seeing any sign of lice. We were determined to be done once and for all with all things lice! 2 a.m. rolls around and we are both sitting at the kitchen table with this gross chemical treatment in our hair. Out of nowhere I started to sob uncontrollably. Shocked my mom said, "Buggins, what's wrong?" (side note: we're a nickname family) I couldn't get the words to make sense I was crying so hard. I was trying to say, "I'm so tired of hard." It sounded so ridiculous and I felt like a child crying like that that I then began to laugh but I was also still crying. I was legitimately hard core crying and full on laughing at the same time. I have never experienced anything like it prior to that experience or in the days following. I felt like a full on lunatic. "I think you're having a nervous breakdown" was my mom's response through her own laughter. At two in the morning we were sitting at the kitchen table with gunk in our hair, simultaneously laughing and crying like babies who can't decide if they should laugh or cry, except that we were full grown adults. That is one thing I loved best about my mom, she was always a person I didn't have to be anything but me with. I could act like a crazy woman having a premature midlife crisis at 28 and she didn't care. She unconditionally embraced my crazy and always brought hers to the party. Somehow that terrible night has become a treasured and cherished memory. A memory of acceptance and love from a mother to a daughter. There are times I'd give anything to be back in that hard, uncomfortable, kitchen chair with smelly chemicals in my hair. 

The beginning of October I started taking a CNA course. Classes were from 9-2, Monday-Friday all month long. During this time my oldest two kids were in school but my youngest two were not. My mom had agreed to watch my little ones for the month. That month was a priceless treasure for my then four year old. He got so much more attention from grandma that he didn't normally get when the bigger kids were around. They spent many of those beautiful fall days going for walks. The baby has more energy than most people know what to do with and as the month of October progressed, my mom began to experience extreme fatigue. A lingering cough she had had since the spring began to worsen. When she was tired of chasing my youngest around she would buckle him in the stroller where he would be confined and my four year old would walk along beside her. Despite her exhaustion it was usually easier for her to manage a walk than chase the two year old around at home. She never let me know just how bad she was feeling but despite her best efforts to hide it I knew something was wrong. I felt guilty leaving her with my kids but she insisted and at that point there was only a couple more weeks left, therefore, daily walks with my boys became the norm. 

It was on these walks that my four year old formed a bond with her that is quite remarkable. Because of all of the changes from the divorce and the high demands placed on me, he was struggling a bit to be seen. The two of them would walk and talk. She would point out things about nature to him and before long he suggested they start saying prayers on their walks. This tickled her. He would say, "Grandma, Grandma stop we need to say another prayer". She would patiently stop and listen to him pray for his sister and then they'd walk a little further before he would ask her to stop again to pray for someone else. This went on and on the whole walk until he had stopped and said a prayer for every member of our family. My mom cherished these walks and I believe they were a small step in preparing her for what was to come. I know they were a huge step in healing my little boy's heart. 

One day I came home a bit early and discovered the house empty and the stroller gone. Knowing they must be on one of their walks I walked out front to wait for them. Sure enough there they were walking towards me on the other side of the street. My mom was pushing the baby, my four year old was walking eagerly beside her, and they were looking at each other discussing something with smiles on their faces. The sun shone perfectly behind them so that their silhouette's were crisply outlined against the sky. A gentle breeze scattered leaves along the road and ruffled my hair when I distinctly heard, "remember this moment" whispered in my mind. Time stood still for just a fleeting moment. I willed myself to soak it all in, to memorize the way they looked, the way I felt, the sound of their distant laughter, every single bit of it I tried to commit to memory. Tears sprang to my eyes and in that moment I knew....

That was the last walk she ever took with my boys. From that day on, deep in my soul I knew that the "lingering cough" would eventually take her life. The next time I came home from school she showed me her pillowcase. It was speckled with blood from coughing in the night. That was the beginning of the end of her mortal life. 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss her presence.

 Even though I love the changing leaves and crisp air, this fall has been painful for me because this year the changing leaves and crisp air acts like a trigger on a gun where the ammo is a bunch of bittersweet memories. Memories that I know I have to share, I have to let out somehow because if I keep them in I'll drown in them. Some of them are too painful to keep locked away, stuffed inside. Some of them are too beautiful to keep to myself. Grief is funny like that; pain and beauty intertwine until sometimes you don't know where the beauty stops and the pain begins. So like the trees in autumn I'm shedding my memories like falling leaves. Some of the leaves are ugly, dead, and brown, rotting on the ground. However, most of the leaves from my tree are vibrant oranges, reds, and golds; you see most of my memories are more beautiful than painful. To know my mom, to care for my mom, to love my mom and be loved by her in return, that is more beautiful than any autumn leaf! How fortunate that life is eternal and that like the tree that loses it's leaves every fall, new memories will come forth like fresh leaves growing in the spring!

                                                Treating her hair for lice. lol

                                              Grandma time with the little boys

                               

Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

Because He Lives

I've been feeling for a few weeks now that I need to write about my dad and his passing. With Easter Sunday quickly approaching I think it's become even more relevant to share this particular story. It's a very difficult thing for me to be so publicly open about because those memories are so special and sacred to me but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I need to share. A portion of this I have already shared in a different post, "Not as I will, but as thou wilt."  It's time that I tell the complete story. Here goes nothing and hopefully ya'll will understand how special this is to me. Some things you never forget...

It was a lazy summer morning and I had been out late the night before with friends. It was just my mom and I at home because my dad was working out of town in Rock Springs, Wyoming with his brother. I was sitting at the breakfast table enjoying a bowl of cocoa puffs when the phone rang. My mom was out on the front porch waving goodbye to my Aunt Shar so I got up and answered the telephone; it was an old fashioned one with large buttons and a long, curly cord. I didn't know it yet but what was about to happen next would change my life forever.

"Hello."

"Hi Celeste, this is Uncle Walter is your mom there?"

Something about that moment felt wrong. I don't know if it was the tone in my Uncle Walter's voice or something else but I knew from just that one sentence that something was seriously wrong. I remember feeling a sense of urgency to get my mom. I went to the porch and told her as calmly as I could that Uncle Walter was on the phone for her. I remember following her back to the kitchen like I was her shadow. I didn't want to miss a word she said. At that point I have blacked out the memory and I don't remember exactly what was said or the expression on her face when she heard the news. The next thing I remember she was telling me to follow her back to her bedroom. Words came out of her mouth in a blur. My brain couldn't catch up and my heart couldn't process what she was telling me.

"Dad had a heart attack."

 "He's being life flighted to LDS Hospital downtown Salt Lake."

 "We need to call Kenton".

The next thing I knew we were praying and my mom was pleading over and over again, "Lord, please help us to accept Thy will!" I'll never forget that prayer and the impact it had on me.

My brother Kenton was called and he came to pick us up and drive us to the hospital. My mom and I were a wreck of nerves and he was calm and peaceful. Once we got to the hospital we sat with other family members in the waiting room for what seemed like forever until we finally heard the helicopter that was bringing my dad in from Wyoming. It was both comforting and nerve wracking to know that he was finally in the same building as us and that the doctors would be able to see how bad the damage was. Was he going to live?

The next week was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. My dad had no brain activity so they decided operating on his heart would be pointless. He was in a coma and it was up to us, his family, to decide what to do. We waited to see if there would be any mireacles, any improvement at all, any sign that he might live. We waited for all of the family to have a chance to see him. My mom and I stayed in one of the hospital rooms so we could be near him and so other family members from out of town could have more space to stay at our house. I paced those hospital halls so many times and quickly I felt like I had the place memorized.

LDS hospital is up on a hill in the avenues of downtown Salt Lake. One day I just had to get away! I couldn't stand being in that hospital one more minute agonizing over the details of my dad's condition. I took off on a walk down the hill in a rage. "How is this real life? If I lose my dad now he won't see me graduate from high school, get married, or even have babies. It's not fair!" I was particularly upset that he wouldn't be around when I had babies. My dad was the best grandpa! He loved the grand kids and could always be found wherever they were even if that was down on the ground hiding in a fort. As I made my way into temple square with these heavy thoughts on my mind I noticed what a beautiful day it was. People were out and about enjoying the weather and one another's company. I saw a group of people laughing and felt genuinely surprised that there was still happiness in the world and life was going on for everyone it seemed but my family. I felt like I was in an alternate reality where time stood still for me but went much too quickly for the rest of the world. I wandered into the General Conference building (which was fairly new at the time) and I sat upstairs in the room with all of the statues of the prophets in a state of disbelief and shock. "Lord, help me! I'm just a girl. I don't know how to do this! Girl's need their dads!"

Eventually I ended up in the Joseph Smith Building watching a screening of, "The Testaments of One Fold and One Shepard". The movie is about Christ's appearance in the America's after He is resurrected. I completely lost control at the end of the movie when Christ showed the people the prints in his hands and feet. There I was in the most pain I had ever experienced in my young life and the pain didn't go away necessarily, but in that moment I knew my dad wasn't going to live and that it was going to be okay someday. The answer I had been dreading, the answer I knew deep down to be true was there smack dab in my face. I couldn't hide from it. My dad was going to die. He was not coming back to me in this life. I didn't know how I would go on but I knew I would go on and things would eventually heal. I knew it was okay because when I watched those people in the movie touch Christ's hands and feet the spirit testified to me that that was real! It really happened! Christ died and rose again on the third day and because of Him death was not really the end!

Eventually the doctors gave us the cold, hard truth; if he did come back he would most likely be a vegetable. We had a decision to make as a family and on July 14, 2004 we pulled the plug on all of the equipment that was keeping him alive. I have never felt more love in one room than I did that day. My entire family crowded around his bed and my mom asked my brother to read a scripture:

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through 
the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil: for
thou art with me; thy rod and 
thy staff they comfort me. 

Ocean waves were playing in the background. My dad so dearly loved the Oregon and northern California coast, it was a part of his soul the same way it is now a part of mine. A prayer was said and the equipment unplugged. My mom whispered in my dad's ear, "fly, baby fly, you're free" and one single tear slid down my dad's cheek. Many things happen naturally when a person dies, a physical reaction to the body shutting down but I believe that was his way of saying how much he would miss us and how sorry he was for all of the sadness we would feel. Within a few minutes his chest slowly stopped rising and falling and he was no longer with us in his mortal body. My sister Laura turned to me and with thick emotion embraced me and wept on my shoulder, "oh Buggie, I'm so sorry!" My grown brothers who were always so calm and safe, my protectors, were bawling on my shoulder. That day changed all of us forever.

On July 19th, a Monday, we held his funeral and shortly after family left to get back to their lives. It was the emptiest feeling on the planet being in our home with just my mom, knowing we would not hear my dad's laughter coming from the other room anymore. For about a month our dog, Charlie, would sit in the window waiting for my dad to come home. A couple of times he even ran out in the street confused, looking for him. Eventually he stopped waiting in the window and it broke my heart. He really was gone.

So many people showed us so much love during that time. We received countless cards and visits from well wishers. A family in the neighborhood brought us a massive breakfast to feed our ENTIRE family. My mom was serving as Young Women's president at the time and I was a laurel and the Young Women made us the most heartfelt cards. During our stay at the hospital my mom and dad had their 18th wedding anniversary. The staff all signed a card and got my mom a cake. I was so touched by their compassion. Many friends and school mates of mine showed up to my dad's funeral, never having met my dad, just to support me. I still look back on all of those kind acts of sympathy and love with such tenderness and gratitude!

My senior year of high school was rough. Grief encompassed me and I did my best to act normal, to be fine, but I wasn't fine. I felt like I was an actor in my own life. Many times after school I would throw my backpack on the floor and collapse onto my bed and just lay there, empty, depressed. Sometimes I couldn't move for hours and no tears would come and other times I couldn't seem to get off of my knees from a prayer and make the tears stop. I never thought the pain would end.

Time went on and I moved up to Idaho, got married, and had four kids. Gradually, with each year the pain got less and less. Sadness turned to gratitude for the time I did have with him and that I got to have him as my dad. I would rather have David Leavitt Ewell as my dad on this earth for only 17 years than any other dad until I was 80.

I have felt my dad's presence here and there over the years; usually when I am enjoying my kids, his grand kids. I have told my kids stories about their grandpa and seen tears in their eyes as they realized how special he is to me. It touches my heart to see them still have a relationship with him on some level. We can't drive by his cemetery without the kids yelling, "Hi grandpa!" On Valentines Day they made him valentines without even telling me and then asked to take them to him. One day I was upstairs helping my mom and I came downstairs to find the kids watching a home video of him completely entranced. They have never physically known him but they do know him and that brings my heart so much joy. Death has not kept them from having a relationship with him! They are learning the eternal nature of families at such young ages and I couldn't be more touched or amazed at their comprehension. It is a beautiful thing!

This last year has undeniably been the hardest of my adult life. One of the many tender mercies I have experienced is the sacred blessing of feeling my dad's presence with greater intensity and frequency. I feel him all the time, all around me. I know he is guiding and protecting me and my little family. I am convinced he was with my daughter giving her comfort and courage when she decided to tell someone she was abused. I know the love he felt for his grandchildren that were living at the time and I know that that love is no different than the love he feels for my kids now.

I have felt him giving me companionship and comfort on some of my darkest days. On one occasion I was praying and missing him terribly. I craved the comfort only a father can give and I said, "I love you dad, Heavenly Father please let him know I love him, I miss him." What happened next was a first for me and a much needed tender mercy. I distinctly heard the words, "I love you too Buggins". Every cell in my body knew he was there and that those words were coming from him. I instantly felt warm and as if I was hugging him once again.

I talk to him frequently about my mom. Not in the regular way you would talk to someone living but I feel things in my heart and send messages to him. "Dad, please help me take care of mom. What should I do?" I have felt him many times around us and I know he is here often even when we can't feel him.

My message today, my whole point in sharing all of this deeply personal stuff, is that life does not end at death! This Easter season my heart is so full of overwhelming love for our Savior. Because He lives I know that my dad will live again too, as will my mom. We ALL will live again because of Him! Death is still hard, there is a hole left in your heart that only time can slowly heal but the sting, the finality of it, is swallowed up in the crucifixion and resurrection of our Savior! As a 16 almost 17 year old girl watching a movie about the Savior's resurrection I knew my road would be long and painful but I also KNEW that it would be okay one day. It will be more than okay, we will all live again, of that I am certain! I don't know why I've been so fortunate to feel my dad when others might not have but I do know because of those experiences he is alive and well right now! Life goes on and we don't need to say goodbye the way we think we do. I feel a deep and immense love for our Savior. Because He lives I don't ever have to wonder if I will see my loved ones again. I still get to have my dad with me and my kids still get help from my dad, all because He lives! What has been made possible for you because He lives?

I. AM. STILL. HERE.

The last few months have been brutal. After discovering my mom's cancer I have slowly but surely sunk into depression. The pain and the fear I feel makes me ache to have someone to comfort me. Part of me went into shock and I haven't always thought rationally. A piece of me so desperately kept seeking out a relationship because she worries so much about me and I don't want her to have to leave this world without knowing I'm happily married. It's crazy, its irrational, but it's grief. I put the kids to bed and I'm left with my heavy thoughts and a loneliness unlike anything I've ever experienced sets in. Logically I know that I have to heal myself. Logically I know that the atonement is the only way to do that but I look at happy couples helping each other through life and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling empty and like I don't matter deeply, on a daily basis to someone other than my kids. So mostly I have been coping by ignoring my problems or trying to distract myself. I have been running from and trying to block my pain because I fear that if I truly feel it, it will be too much to handle. I've shut out friends and turned inward. It has been and is a very dark and unhealthy place to be. I have continued to say my prayers, read my scriptures, and act like everything is fine but I have been only going through the motions not really feeling anything. Going through life hollow and desperate for someone or something to fill me up again. Paralyzed by fear and pain.

Last night I was woken up at 1:43 am by the buzzing sound of my phone on the hard wood of my bedside table. In my efforts to distract myself or relieve some of my loneliness I have been casually texting/messaging a few lds guys  I don't want to make this about my love life or lack of but I do believe some background would be a little helpful. This guy that texted me last night, lets call him John. Anyway John and I had texted quite a bit back and forth one day about all kinds of things from music to our previous heart breaks. He seemed really nice and interested but it was too early to really tell. As time went on he became kind of withdrawn and to be honest I didn't really reach out either. Then last night I get this text:

"Hey I wanted to do the right thing

and kind of just let you know that 

I'm now seeing someone and have 

decided to date her exclusively. I 

hope you understand that it doesn't

have anything to do with a lack of 

interest in you. I honestly think you 

are an amazing woman and person. 

And I've wrestled with the idea of 

burning a bridge with you or potentially

hurting or disappointing you for a

while now. Ultimately though I feel

like it would be unfair to you to 

continue to pursue anything with 

you if I didn't have my whole heart

in it. 

I don't know how any of this sounds. 

I probably sound like an extremely 

pretentious douche. I am hoping that the

takeaway that you get from this is that

I respect you enough to be totally 

honest with you. I wouldn't do 

that if you're opinion of me didn't 

matter to me. But it does, because I 

know that you are a really strong, 

amazing person. And whoever you end

up with is going to be an extremely

lucky guy.

I hope you aren't upset by this, or 

that I have done anything that has

been hurtful to you or wrong in

any way. Please know that I am really

sorry and I assure you that that was 

never my intention. I really just want 

the best for you and your kids. You have

been through a hell of a lot, and I will 

honestly keep your family in my prayers. 

I don't think that I have come across 

anyone in the recent past that I feel is

more deserving of a happy life than you. 

And I honestly mean that. I meant everything 

I said. You are beautiful, you are sexy, and you

exude an extremely strong spirit. And I 

honestly respect that, and I am grateful to

have gotten to know you a little bit. "

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't really invested myself in this guy because we didn't know each other long. Yet for some reason tears were filling my eyes. I felt complimented and rejected all at the same time. It was really quite bizarre that I had been rejected by others that I was more interested or invested in and yet the way he phrased things I suddenly felt so very lonely. And for the first time in months I allowed myself to really feel all of the pain. I reread that text a few times and tried to process it before responding as graciously as I could. Thanking him for his honesty and wishing him all the luck and happiness in the world. After all he too had suffered and been lonely and deserved a little slice of joy. Then the sobs came and I found myself on my knees truly and sincerely praying to Heavenly Father once more the way I had so often in the past. I was finally feeling something again other than numbness. "Heavenly Father I don't understand why I'm having to do so many difficult things on my own, without a mate. I have always done my best to be faithful and I work so frickin hard to be happy and choose happiness every day of my life. For once I just want to naturally feel happy. I know I've been so immensely blessed and I feel like a brat for complaining but it's how I feel right now. I apologize for my very mortal mind that lacks patience and understanding for Thy will. I am aware that You know what I've been through. I know You haven't been blind to my pain as I've been told as much in a blessing. But so what? That doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling right now! I'm sorry for being ungrateful for not comprehending everything the way I probably should be but I don't understand. What is the point of all of this? Why am I continually faithful when I still hurt so much?" SILENCE and then, "I don't know what it is you want of me but I'm still here. I am still fighting, still trying, still believing. I have endured much, maybe not well, but I'm still here." At that point I began to sob repeatedly as if begging Him to see me, "I am still here, I am still here. I am still here." And then it gradually turned into a positive affirmation. "I am still here!" Finally it ended as a powerful statement, a warrior's battle cry. Each word distinct and deliberate. "I. AM. STILL. HERE!" As I rose from my knees I was weak and weary. I had exerted much emotional energy into that prayer. I silently cried tears of relief to be feeling something again and as I laid my head on my pillow I resolved to keep fighting the good fight. 

I'm not sure why that text was the trigger that finally humbled me to let down my walls again and be real with my Heavenly Father. Regardless I'm thankful for the way He works in my life, always knowing how to bring me back to Him. I'm thankful for "John's" honesty and that he acted and sent me that text when he did. Last night I realized something. I have experienced a lot of pain in my relatively short life, it could always be worse I know but as I look back on what I've been through it has been no easy feat. And yet by some miracle I am still here. I have survived the unthinkable and by the grace of God I am still here, a little worse for the wear in a few places but polished in others. As I said those words over and over again it felt like my heart was bleeding I realized that I will always still be here. There is a God given strength in me, that although I get discouraged and knocked down, refuses to give up. There still might be much pain and testing ahead of me but I will not let Satan win! I am not perfect, I'll make many mistakes but I will always come back. Why? It's simple really. I know and have felt the Savior's love and Heavenly Father's love and it is so sweet that I cannot deny it. I cannot stop fighting until I can feel of that love all the time. I imagine being reunited with Them and the feeling of sweet satisfaction as I honestly say, "I gave my all so that I might be at peace in Your presence." Sometimes my mortal and weak mind forgets what my spirit knows. Their love is so great that every hardship and trial I may experience will be obviously worth it once I am reunited with Them again! What a glorious day that will be and as for now as I stumble so imperfectly through life I find comfort in knowing that I'm still here. 

          I don't always feel like I have the ability to be strong anymore but I keep choosing to try to be. 

Dancing in the Rain

                                These pictures were taken by my incredible friend Diana!

   My kids start school bright and early tomorrow so naturally I decided at midnight that it would be a good time to blog. (No sarcasm here). I will most definitely regret this decision in the morning but I have had my daughter on my mind all day. I feel compelled to share her strength and goodness.
   When everything first came to light one of my first thoughts was about my daughter's upcoming baptism. Who would baptize her? I was so sad that she didn't have the opportunity to have her daddy do it. Even more heartbreaking, he couldn't baptize her because he had abused her. For months I felt heartbroken that such a joyous thing would now be tainted. Finally I mustered the courage to let it go and accept reality. I knew any of her uncles would be more than willing to baptize her. I asked her who she would like to baptize her and she chose my brother Naitt. I allowed her to continue to pick who she would like to participate in her baptism.
    The time finally came for her baptism and it was the first time since everything happened that I had seen some of my family. It was so comforting to see them again and to physically feel their love for us. I prayed and prayed that I would be at peace that day and that my daughter especially would feel peace. I wanted her to realize the significance of the choice she had made to be baptized and to focus on that and not on the fact that her daddy wasn't the one baptizing her. I carefully helped her dress that morning, making sure she looked and felt as special as she could. This little girl deserved to feel special and to know how many people loved her! She had suffered unmentionable things and I wanted this to be a celebration for her. Most importantly I wanted her to know how much Heavenly Father loved her! I had seen His love for her in many ways and I knew He was so very proud of her for speaking up about the abuse. I guarantee that was the hardest thing she ever did! She was braver than most people ever are. Not only did she speak up and as a result her little world was rocked but she helped comfort her brothers and even me! This day was just one more incredible decision she had made. She had done so many hard things without the Holy Ghost as her constant companion what would she be capable of once she received Him as her constant companion?
   We arrived at the church and the love was overwhelming in that little room. Many family members were openly crying. They were touched by the spirit and by the amazing little girl that my daughter is. When I took her back to help her change into her jumpsuit she was literally jumping with joy. That still makes me tear up. Her excitement was absolutely contagious! The grace with which she had conducted herself still amazes me. She is truly an example and a light to me.
    My brother Kenton gave a talk on baptism and tears streamed down his face as he talked about love and returning to our Heavenly Father. My mom gave a talk on the Holy Ghost and she too was full of the spirit. Her two aunts gave the opening and closing prayers. Her cousins sang a beautiful version of "When I am Baptized".
    When I greeted her as she came out of the water she was beaming. This little girl knew nothing of pain that day. She knew nothing of abuse or sadness. This little girl knew the Savior! She knew the atonement's healing powers and I could see in her face that day that she had received His image in her countenance.
    It wasn't until later that I learned from my brother's wife that after he had baptized my daughter he wept in the bathroom. His heart was broken that it wasn't her daddy who had baptized her. He too had loved her daddy. He was touched and honored to have baptized her and there was so much emotion right on the surface. Naitt never told me about this himself. I don't think he wanted to burden me or make it about him. What he doesn't know is that is exactly why I love him so much! That is the kind of selfless person he is. I'm so thankful for all of my big brothers and their tender hearts!
    Her Uncle Bry confirmed her. Seeing her sitting in that chair surrounded by all of these uncles from both sides of the family and her grandpa was absolutely touching. The priesthood was very much still a part of her life! She was surrounded by priesthood power!
   That day could not have gone any more perfectly! The spirit was strong. What I thought was going to be tainted because of misfortune and trial was actually sweeter because of the manner with which she handled misfortune and trial. Afterwards as she was hugging loved ones and accepting gifts she walked up to her grandpa and asked him to give a piece of candy to her daddy. Again, she knew the atonement! Her forgiving heart of gold, I know, touched her dad when he heard that.  I will forever be thankful that she is my daughter!
   The amazing, incredible thing about the atonement is that it has even worked it's powers on my children who have no comprehension of what it really means. Children truly are so much closer to the spirit than adults. I have had to really work hard to receive the same healing powers in my life that my daughter received months ago, effortlessly. I cannot praise our Savior enough! When I doubted my ability as a mother to heal my children, when I left gaps, the atonement filled in. My daughter might know more sorrow later as she comes to comprehend more adult things and the severity of what happened to her. I am confident that the atonement can heal her from any pain she may face! I know she is a force to be reckoned with. She knows how to choose light and happiness. She will do great things and I am confident that through her own process she will choose the atonement again and again.
   The lesson I learn from my daughter's example is to always find the rainbow after the rain. Just like the song that was sung at her baptism by her cousins. "I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain." Her little heart was broken and she chose to find the rainbow. Life is crazy hard and we cannot predict what trials and challenges will come our way. We will often feel like we have our own personal rain cloud. Learning to dance in the rain and look for the rainbow will make life so much sweeter. After the rainstorm always comes something good. Have faith in that rainbow and in the meantime learn to dance in the rain. We can't control when the rain will stop but we do know at some point it will stop. We don't know how long it will rain so if we simply just sit there and get wet we will simply be wet and miserable. Learning to enjoy the rain and hope for the rainbow is the key to happiness. Only the atonement can teach you how to dance in the rain.

 

 

 

 

 

  

Crossing the Ocean

All summer long I have looked for a job to no avail. I'd submitted application after application and landed some interviews only for them to offer the job to someone more qualified. I'd even been offered a couple of jobs but I couldn't make the schedule work with school and my kids. Things just weren't lining up right. About a month ago I was driving home from yet another job interview and was reflecting on how I thought it went. They loved me and I was pretty confident I was going to get offered the job. (I was offered the job). I had no reason to doubt and I was feeling content. As I was driving the distinct thought, "Utah" popped into my mind. Just Utah by itself. I knew exactly what it meant. My mom lives in Utah and has a basement apartment. It was always a backup option for me but I was determined to not use it. I pushed the thought aside and didn't give it anymore time. A couple of weeks after that my sister and I were talking casually as we laid out in the sun and watched the kids swim and she mentioned something about Utah. What was this? Quit it! I didn't want to move to Utah! My kids lives were here in Idaho. My life was here in Idaho. Again I refused to accept that as an answer for me.
  It took a couple more weeks for me to hit reality square in the face of what Heavenly Father not only wanted me to do but needed me to do. It became quite clear that I COULD NOT under any circumstance provide for my little family up here in Idaho. Things I had hoped would pan out didn't and I found myself with no other choice it seemed. I called up my brother Bryon and had him come over and consult with me. I wanted to double check my reasoning and make sure I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't missing anything. He came over and confirmed what I had already thought and gave me another priesthood blessing. I was devastated at just the idea of moving! I couldn't imagine leaving behind all of the people who had been such a support to me through such a difficult time. I got in my car and took the kids for a drive around the lake so I could think. I had the music playing in the background and a song came on the radio that changed things for me.

          "Home" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

   As I listened to the lyrics I knew Utah would become home to my little family. I had flashbacks to when I had lived there before and there was something comforting about going back. The movie "Hope Floats" came to my mind and I just knew Utah was where my little family was supposed to start over. In that moment I did feel like I was coming full circle and returning home to my roots.

   As with any major decision I wanted to be 100% sure it was what Heavenly Father wanted. (Even though He had made it pretty clear). I told Heavenly Father what I had decided and I fasted that if for some reason I was supposed to stay in Idaho it would be made known to me. I made arrangements to attend the temple as soon as I could. A couple of days later I sat in the Celestial room pondering and praying for confirmation. I kept asking, "Am I supposed to go to Utah?" A mother and her young son were hugging and tenderly conversing and it caught my eye. He had gone through the temple for the first time that day and their joy was obvious. My question suddenly changed. "Where do I have to go and what to I have to do to get my kids to be in the Celestial room with me?" Bingo! The answers came flooding! Some of the answers I heard are too sacred to share publicly but basically what I heard was, "Utah, go to Utah".  The words "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord" came into my mind and I knew I needed to submit my will to His once more. Faith, trust, and hope filled my heart as I promised to Him that I would obey and move to Utah.

   So after 10 years away, to the month, I am making plans to return home to Utah. My pride has been swallowed and it has been a bittersweet decision. I have had the support of ALL of my family and friends including the kids dad. There are absolutely no words adequate enough to say how I feel about all of the wonderful people I have met and who have been a part of our daily lives during these ten years in Idaho. My ward family, my young women, my friends, Nic's friends, and all of our family. I have been beyond blessed with wonderful people to surround me in Idaho! My life is forever changed because of each and every one of them!

   Honestly I'm scared as hell sometimes! Moving four little ones as a single mom is a daunting task! Helping them adjust to a new life while trying to do the same makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out. Not seeing all the same faces that I know and trust so regularly breaks my heart. How am I possibly going to do this? Then I remember that Heavenly Father told me to do it. When has he ever led me wrong? When has he ever left me alone? Never! He hasn't, not once! Change is crazy hard. I have been pinning quotes on Pinterest like it is going out of style, trying to keep positive thoughts flowing about this change. There is much to be excited about!  I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting in a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. This change is necessary. How am I ever going to grow and claim all of the blessings He has to offer me if I live in fear? If I never take this chance to follow His path for me who knows what I'll miss? This is my chance to be brave. My chance to be fearless. I'm silencing my fears and my negative thoughts and I'm embracing the future!

   

 
  This will not be the end Idaho peeps! Idaho will always have a special place in my heart and I love each and every one of you! Thank you, thank you ,thank you for all of the love you've extended to my family over the years!

Not Strong Enough to Fight

    Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I dish out advice on this blog like I've conquered all of my trials and challenges. The truth is I haven't ; I have failed miserably some days. This last week I had a couple of days that were particularly challenging. I broke down. I was flat out beat up and exhausted. Where was all of this so called inner strength I had blogged about? I had nothing left. Nothing. I couldn't figure it out. I have endured, I have been faithful, I have been positive, why can't I catch a break? So as I usually do when I'm depleted I knelt in prayer. "Here I am Lord completely at your mercy. What is it I'm supposed to do? I'm empty, I have nothing left. I'm beat down and 100% exhausted!" At this point I was no longer kneeling and I was lying on my closet floor sobbing. The fatigue I felt was not physical. I was spiritually and emotionally drained. I lay there for quite a while until my sobs became silent tears. Eventually I got up and got ready for bed feeling numb. I didn't feel immediately better. I felt about the same. Empty. The next morning I woke up and felt a little better but I was still far from chipper. As I went about my day little things kept happening and slowly I found myself gaining strength. One positive thought turned into another and by the end of the day I felt rejuvenated. The thing about that day is I didn't do anything spectacular and still I found strength. So what was it that strengthened me? What recharged me when I was completely dead? A friend of mine said something profound to me, "True strength does not come from us. It comes from the atonement. The strength to forgive, the strength to pray, the strength to drag yourself to the temple one more time, the strength to dry your eyes one more day. Strength comes from the Lord." That stuck with me all day. I began to feel so much gratitude for the Savior and the atonement. The gratitude I felt led to a positive thought, "I can do this day and this challenge because of the atonement". One positive thought led to another and optimism and hope entered my heart once more.
     Since that day I have thought about happiness and hope. It wasn't long ago that I defined my happiness by a great vacation or new furniture. I lived from one thing to the next, always counting down the days until the next exciting thing would happen that would make me happy. One thing I've learned this year as I've lost so much is that happiness really doesn't come from those things. They can be fun and exciting, however, happiness is something entirely different. When you lose so much you learn that true happiness comes from acceptance and gratitude. Nobody can take my happiness away from me. My happiness stems from my testimony. Knowing who I am and Whose I am is where my happiness lies. When life is tough and I can't find it in me to fight any more I need to realize that it's not about fighting. It's about accepting the Lord's will for my life and turning it over to Him. It's about realizing that He has a plan for me and I don't have the same eternal perspective as He does. He knows things I don't.  Then I need to be grateful for that plan He has for me and what I do have. I have so many things to be grateful for! When I redefine my happiness by my divine identity as His child then it is hard to be unhappy.
   I am so completely aware of my dependency on the Lord for everything. Without Him I would be nothing. Plain and simple. I am weak. I am human. I have to be reminded of the same things over and over again. I will have a down day again where I feel empty. I will temporarily forget these things I've learned. The good news is Heavenly Father is the most patient parent. He always finds a way to lovingly remind me of my worth. He always lovingly reminds me that the atonement is there. I was never meant to do this alone. He knew I couldn't. He reminds me that He provided a Savior for me so that I could overcome these obstacles. I sobbed on that closet floor saying, "I just can't". Throughout the following day He found little ways to tell me that I can because of His Son.
   Even with this knowledge it is still not easy. Everyday I make a conscience choice to embrace the atonement. To embrace the atonement is to embrace happiness. Everyday I choose to change my thought patterns to reflect optimism and hope. I have negative thoughts all the time!! The difference is I try my best to not entertain them. Obviously I have bad days when I fail to correct those negative thoughts. The atonement brings a new day with new thoughts and new strength.
   If you find yourself saying you "just can't" please don't give up! Believe me, I've been there! I know that place all too well! You don't have to be strong enough to fight you just have to be humble enough to accept the atonement.

I've been waiting for you!

    The end of a relationship can be scary and confusing especially if that relationship ended unexpectedly. I continued to go to the counselor at LDS services for a few months without Nic. I had already decided there was no hope for the marriage but there were so many conflicting, lingering feelings. I often felt so lost and confused but once I started talking to my counselor he helped me see that I already knew the answers. He was a great listener and it was life saving to have someone neutral with no personal investment to hash it out with. One of my biggest fears that we addressed was how to avoid getting in a toxic relationship again. I had been very deeply hurt and my wounds were still so raw. I was TERRIFIED of relationships. I didn't want one ever again! I was fully prepared to focus on my schooling and advance myself in the career of my choice and be completely content to devote all of my free time to my kids. After a few sessions of talking about this topic finally my counselor just came out with it, he gently said, "Is that really what you want? One day you could be very happy in a relationship. Relationships are hard but they aren't usually as hard as yours was." The wall I had been building up came crashing down and tears streamed down my face, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so forgiving and nonjudgmental that I don't usually view someone's past as red flags or warning signs. Everyone has a past so how do I know they are sincerely a good person?" What he said next is something I will not forget when the time comes for me to date. He said, "It's true that everyone has a past. What matters is that you pay attention to who he is now and his motives. Is he still in the process of figuring out who he is or does he know who he is? Is he going to church more now because of you or has he been going consistently for a block of time before you? He should have a desire in him to be better than he was yesterday before you even enter the picture." I found this to be pretty sound advice. It seemed to just click with me deep down. It's such a simple concept I had heard before but my fear had completely clouded my ability to understand it as it applied to me.
   I left that session that day with hope for my future. For the first time since I received the awful news in January I began to believe I could have another relationship again and this time it would be better. For the first time in months I began to trust myself and my judgment. Most importantly I began to realize that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and shutting down in fear and bitterness was not in the blueprints. I began to heal that day.
  Here I am months later and I just attended the temple yesterday and as I sat in the Celestial room I was reminded again that Heavenly Father is directing my paths. I received many deeply personal and sacred revelations as I meditated there with a prayer in my heart. The veil felt very thin and it was almost as if I could see my life unfolding. There are no words adequate enough to describe the love one can feel from Heavenly Father in the temple.
   If you have been hurt it is so scary to let those walls down. Trust me I know. I also know I wasn't really happy being cynical. My life was being run by my fear. Thankfully, because I had a good counselor, it didn't take me too long to realize that wasn't a way to live. Marriage is tough but it was always meant to be a blessing to us. Since Adam and Eve it was always intended to enrich our lives and help us obtain eternal salvation. We were never meant to go through life alone. Let down your walls! Be brave and fearless and let God's wisdom direct you in the relationships you choose. Personal prayer and revelation can and should guide you to make wise decisions provided you are obedient to the revelations you receive. Old habits sometimes make me doubt how much I deserve a happy relationship. "Is it really possible for me? What do I have to offer that is so special?" Those thoughts come from Satan! Whenever I kneel in prayer or attend the temple those thoughts dissipate as quickly as they formed. Heavenly Father always reminds me of my worth and what I have to offer and what a relationship has to offer me. Satan wants us to be miserable. He wants us to be alone and bitter. Don't let him in! You are a child of God with unique and divine attributes and you are worth loving! I have seen far too many people get out of a bad relationship with little to no self esteem left. Be proud of who you are because of where you came from. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND YOU DESERVE ALL OF THE BLESSINGS HEAVENLY FATHER HAS TO OFFER SO CLAIM THEM! I realize that His timing is different than our timing. Sometimes we have to wait much longer than we have wanted but don't allow a bad attitude to hide the opportunities that He may be trying to present to you.
    I don't know His timing for me. I could be single until I'm sixty. What I do know is that at some point, whether in this life or the next, I will have the opportunity to find my forever sweetheart. When that opportunity comes I'm not going to let depression and fear keep me from jumping in with both feet exclaiming, "I've been waiting for you!"