Meant to Meet

Do you ever feel like you were meant to meet someone? Like you were supposed to be somewhere at that exact time and moment?

When I moved to Utah I knew I had to get a plan going. Job, school, maybe both, something. I knew I wanted to be a nurse and so I did some research trying to figure out what the best way was for me to go about doing that as a single mom. I wanted to get a job at a hospital so they would help pay for some of my schooling. That led me to either phlebotomy or becoming a CNA. I then called around to all of the different programs I could find in the valley and compared them. After some careful consideration I opted for the CNA route. I knew I didn't want to waste time and I wanted to jump right in so I picked the course with the closest starting date and the best schedule for my family. After calling about 15 different course providers there was only one that seemed to fit the way I wanted. Eager to secure my spot I drove there the very next day and signed up for the course. 

There are a few reasons I think I was meant for that exact course. One being that in order to get to that location I would get to drive by my dad's cemetery everyday. It seems silly but little did I know that during that month I would have days where I needed to feel close to him. I would drive by every morning and shout out, "Morning dad. Help me out today if you can!" And then there were days when I was overcome with grief as I realized my mom was getting sicker and sicker. I would drive by on those days and say, "Please take care of mom today." Being able to "talk" to him gave me some added courage and comfort. 

The main reason I was supposed to take that particular course was the people I met. My instructor, Linda, was divinely placed in my life at that time. During lunch and on breaks we would often get to talking as a class and Linda had such a way about her that you just felt loved and cared about. More often than not our discussions would sway towards spiritual matters, none of us having the same religious backgrounds. As she talked about the elderly people we would care for and the things they would experience often tears would fill her eyes. This is what healthcare is all about, or should be. Caring, love, healing. She taught us all a valuable lesson. It didn't take long for us classmates to form a friendship and a bond with Linda. 

About half way through my course my mom came to me one day when I got home and showed me her pillow case which was sprinkled with blood. At this time my family knew she had been sick for too long but we didn't know what it was she was sick with. She had been previously diagnosed with pneumonia and given antibiotics and even steroids but she wasn't getting better. In my heart I knew there was something else wrong. I couldn't hide my concern and it didn't take Linda long to realize something was wrong. My class would sit and listen to me talk about it as we ate lunch or before class and it became a safe place for me to vent. 

We were doing clinics at a skilled nursing facility one Friday and my mom was supposed to be getting the results back from her doctor that day as to whether or not she had cancer. I had wanted to stay home and be with my mom when she received the news but she insisted I go and she would call me right away. So I went and I asked Linda for special permission to answer my phone should it ring. About halfway through the morning my phone started buzzing in my scrubs pocket. It just so happens I was answering call lights with Linda at that exact moment. "Can I take it?"  "Go". I stepped out into the hall waiting to hear my mom confirm what I already knew. Deep breathe, "Hey so?"  Two. Words.  "It's cancer." "Do you need me to come home? Are you okay?" I asked. My mom insisted that I stay. So I hung up just as Linda came out into the hall. She looked at me with eyes that knew and simply said, "you need to go". At that point the tears started flowing and wouldn't stop. SHOCK! SO MUCH SHOCK! "How is this real? Cancer. Cancer. Cancer." I kept repeating it in my mind. "My mom has cancer." Linda walked me down the stairs and out to my car. She grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes, and wiped my snot from my face. (That's right. She wiped my gross, runny nosed, snot. That's compassion!) "Are you going to be okay driving home?" "Yes." She hugged me and told me to go be with my mom. "You should both get a priesthood blessing," And as she turned to walk away, "Oh and Celeste, seek comfort in the scriptures." 

I am so pleased to say that Linda and I are still friends. We just went to lunch last week in fact. Her sweet spirit and her passion for serving others have changed me. I know I was supposed to be with her when I found out about my mom's cancer. I know I was supposed to take that class to prepare me for all of the things I would have to do to care for my mom. I know I needed to drive by my dad often to feel some support from him. My classmates will be my life long friends. I know I was supposed to meet them. They were supposed to make me laugh and smile by saying stupid things like, "you look like John Travolta". They too had hard things they were experiencing and going through. We were an odd bunch. I don't think any of us would ever have become friends without that class with such diverse backgrounds. Linda was our glue. That class was more than a CNA certification program. It was where we were all supposed to be to find each other. 

Crossing the Ocean

All summer long I have looked for a job to no avail. I'd submitted application after application and landed some interviews only for them to offer the job to someone more qualified. I'd even been offered a couple of jobs but I couldn't make the schedule work with school and my kids. Things just weren't lining up right. About a month ago I was driving home from yet another job interview and was reflecting on how I thought it went. They loved me and I was pretty confident I was going to get offered the job. (I was offered the job). I had no reason to doubt and I was feeling content. As I was driving the distinct thought, "Utah" popped into my mind. Just Utah by itself. I knew exactly what it meant. My mom lives in Utah and has a basement apartment. It was always a backup option for me but I was determined to not use it. I pushed the thought aside and didn't give it anymore time. A couple of weeks after that my sister and I were talking casually as we laid out in the sun and watched the kids swim and she mentioned something about Utah. What was this? Quit it! I didn't want to move to Utah! My kids lives were here in Idaho. My life was here in Idaho. Again I refused to accept that as an answer for me.
  It took a couple more weeks for me to hit reality square in the face of what Heavenly Father not only wanted me to do but needed me to do. It became quite clear that I COULD NOT under any circumstance provide for my little family up here in Idaho. Things I had hoped would pan out didn't and I found myself with no other choice it seemed. I called up my brother Bryon and had him come over and consult with me. I wanted to double check my reasoning and make sure I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't missing anything. He came over and confirmed what I had already thought and gave me another priesthood blessing. I was devastated at just the idea of moving! I couldn't imagine leaving behind all of the people who had been such a support to me through such a difficult time. I got in my car and took the kids for a drive around the lake so I could think. I had the music playing in the background and a song came on the radio that changed things for me.

          "Home" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

   As I listened to the lyrics I knew Utah would become home to my little family. I had flashbacks to when I had lived there before and there was something comforting about going back. The movie "Hope Floats" came to my mind and I just knew Utah was where my little family was supposed to start over. In that moment I did feel like I was coming full circle and returning home to my roots.

   As with any major decision I wanted to be 100% sure it was what Heavenly Father wanted. (Even though He had made it pretty clear). I told Heavenly Father what I had decided and I fasted that if for some reason I was supposed to stay in Idaho it would be made known to me. I made arrangements to attend the temple as soon as I could. A couple of days later I sat in the Celestial room pondering and praying for confirmation. I kept asking, "Am I supposed to go to Utah?" A mother and her young son were hugging and tenderly conversing and it caught my eye. He had gone through the temple for the first time that day and their joy was obvious. My question suddenly changed. "Where do I have to go and what to I have to do to get my kids to be in the Celestial room with me?" Bingo! The answers came flooding! Some of the answers I heard are too sacred to share publicly but basically what I heard was, "Utah, go to Utah".  The words "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord" came into my mind and I knew I needed to submit my will to His once more. Faith, trust, and hope filled my heart as I promised to Him that I would obey and move to Utah.

   So after 10 years away, to the month, I am making plans to return home to Utah. My pride has been swallowed and it has been a bittersweet decision. I have had the support of ALL of my family and friends including the kids dad. There are absolutely no words adequate enough to say how I feel about all of the wonderful people I have met and who have been a part of our daily lives during these ten years in Idaho. My ward family, my young women, my friends, Nic's friends, and all of our family. I have been beyond blessed with wonderful people to surround me in Idaho! My life is forever changed because of each and every one of them!

   Honestly I'm scared as hell sometimes! Moving four little ones as a single mom is a daunting task! Helping them adjust to a new life while trying to do the same makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out. Not seeing all the same faces that I know and trust so regularly breaks my heart. How am I possibly going to do this? Then I remember that Heavenly Father told me to do it. When has he ever led me wrong? When has he ever left me alone? Never! He hasn't, not once! Change is crazy hard. I have been pinning quotes on Pinterest like it is going out of style, trying to keep positive thoughts flowing about this change. There is much to be excited about!  I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting in a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. This change is necessary. How am I ever going to grow and claim all of the blessings He has to offer me if I live in fear? If I never take this chance to follow His path for me who knows what I'll miss? This is my chance to be brave. My chance to be fearless. I'm silencing my fears and my negative thoughts and I'm embracing the future!

   

 
  This will not be the end Idaho peeps! Idaho will always have a special place in my heart and I love each and every one of you! Thank you, thank you ,thank you for all of the love you've extended to my family over the years!

Compassion, Love, and Charity

    I was dreading Valentines Day. I didn't know what to expect emotionally. I still missed Nic and yet I was so angry with him for what he'd done to our family. I was angry that he didn't turn himself in and that I had to do it. I was angry that he kept telling me he was sorry and that he loved us but his actions said otherwise. Anger is a secondary emotion so really I was hurt. I felt rejected. Logically I knew Nic had serious mental issues and addictions and that's why he did what he did but in my heart I couldn't understand why he didn't fight harder for us. I kept asking myself why he didn't seek help. Why couldn't he be strong enough for us? Why weren't we worth it to him? I had a hard time comprehending what he had done. I would rather have chopped off my own hand then do the things he had done with his. I didn't understand the illness and the perversion at all. I felt like he had chosen a disgusting habit over us and essentially he did.
  Valentines Day came all the same. That's the thing about life; it doesn't stop because we aren't ready to process it. I woke up that morning and stared up at my ceiling feeling completely empty. I was trying to talk myself into putting on a happy face for my kids when the doorbell rang. Still in my pajamas I cautiously answered the door and saw four angels on my doorstep. Shannon, Janae, Diana, and Tory had come bearing gifts. They had brought me a basket full of my favorite treats. The compassion didn't stop there. They had also brought each one of my kids their own stuffed animal and a little bag of candy. My mom was staying with me at the time and they also remembered her and brought her a bag of chocolate. Upon further inspection I realized there were homemade coupons in my basket. They each gave me a hug and went on with their day and their plans to celebrate with their own families. After they left I pulled out the coupons and read them one by one. There were 32 of them!! All kinds of things were listed on the coupons: popcorn and movie night with the kids, lunch on the girls, a crepe dinner from Tory, cinnamon rolls from Shannon, weekly lunch dates with Janae, family pictures from Diana, walks on the greenbelt, free babysitting, lawn care, swimming for my kids, etc. I was so overwhelmed with love and gratitude! It still brings tears to my eyes. At a time when I couldn't feel any compassion from Nic I had been shown more compassion from these four friends then I knew what to do with. My heart felt like it was on empty and they had just topped off the tank! I was worth loving! My little family was worth fighting for! We had every right to feel loved and special on Valentines Day!
   I have pondered a lot during these last six months about compassion and charity. Why do some people love as much as they are capable but they don't seem to understand compassion? They don't understand what real love is? Real love, pure love, isn't just saying you love someone. It isn't even feeling love for someone. Pure love is caring so much about someone that you have no choice but to help them. Your love for them is so deep that you are moved to act in a manner that would benefit their well being. I think compassion is very similar except that you don't always have to love that specific person but you love Heavenly Father so much you have no choice but to help one of His children. I continue to study compassion, love, and charity. I want to understand these virtues on a deeper level than I have before. I want to know how to instill them in my children. I don't ever want to be the source of so much pain for others like Nic has been for us.
   When I look at my children I can't fathom not feeling compassion for them. I do believe Nic worries about them. I do think he loves them as much as he is capable. However,  I don't think he understands pure love. I don't think he has true compassion for them. There is a difference. I ache for Nic. I ache that he doesn't get it. I ache that his lack of compassion thus far has severely damaged relationships with his children. I still feel so much concern for his well being as a child of God. I still hope he can learn to develop compassion and pure love.
   Someone recommended to me that I read a few chapters in Jesus the Christ. I haven't gotten very far but I was reading about the parable of the ten virgins and this passage stuck out to me:

     " The Bridegroom is the Lord Jesus; the marriage feast symbolizes His coming in glory, to receive unto Himself the Church on earth as His bride. The virgins typify those who profess a belief in Christ, and who, therefore, confidently expect to be included among the blessed participants at the feast. The lighted lamp, which each of the maidens carried, is the outward profession of Christian belief and practice; and in the oil reserves of the wiser ones we may see the spiritual strength and abundance which diligence and devotion in God’s service alone can insure. The lack of sufficient oil on the part of the unwise virgins is analogous to the dearth of soil in the stony field, wherein the seed readily sprouted but soon withered away. The Bridegroom’s coming was sudden; yet the waiting virgins were not held blamable for their surprise at the abrupt announcement, but the unwise five suffered the natural results of their unpreparedness. The refusal of the wise virgins to give of their oil at such a critical time must not be regarded as uncharitable; the circumstance typifies the fact that in the day of judgment every soul must answer for himself; there is no way by which the righteousness of one can be credited to another’s account; the doctrine of supererogation is wholly false. The Bridegroom’s condemnatory disclaimer, “I know you not,” was equivalent to a declaration that the imploring but neglectful ones, who had been found unready and unprepared, did not know Him."

    I could not and cannot give my charity or compassion to Nic or anyone else. These virtues must be obtained individually. I can act with compassion towards others but they have to develop their own compassion. I have been inspired by others acting with compassion to develop my own.
     I pray that as I move forward with my life and as I continue to study compassion and charity that I will be of service to my Heavenly Father. I pray that I can do what those four ladies did for me that morning; give someone hope. Remind someone that they are worth loving and fighting for! If you feel rejected or unloved in any way, remember you are worth being loved! You are worth fighting for!! Fight for yourself if no one else will! Don't ever let someone else's actions determine your level of worth! No matter what you've done or where you've been you are worth something to Heavenly Father! Christ truly was the ultimate example of compassion. He had so much compassion for us that He took our sins and our pains and made them His own!!!
 

Covenant Keeping Women

    Tonight I was preparing a lesson to teach my Beehives (12-14 yr. old girls) tomorrow at church and I felt so touched by the spirit that I had to share. The lesson I'm teaching is ,"Why are covenants important in my life?"  At the top of every lesson is a little box for the teachers that says, "Prepare yourself spiritually". In that box they usually pose some questions to get you thinking about that topic. The little box in this particular lesson said:

                         "How have your covenants influenced your life?
                           What blessings have you received as you have
                           made and kept sacred covenants?

                           How can you help the young women understand
                           the covenants they have made and will make in the
                           future? How will understanding covenants
                           influence the young women to live more righteously?"

   This must have been something I needed to review and reflect on because after reading just that first paragraph I was crying. I wish I could take everything I feel in my heart about the covenants I have made and just let everyone feel it through my heart. My heart feels so full of gratitude for the covenants I have made. It's almost impossible for me to explain the blessings I've received from making those covenants because they are indefinite.
    Despite my marriage ending, the day that I was sealed in the temple to Nic remains one of the most special days of my life. Never in my life have I felt more love from Heavenly Father than I did that day making sacred covenants. Every part of my being was engulfed in what I can only describe as the pure love of Christ. I cherish all of the covenants I have made and I have a testimony that as I strive to remember them and live them daily that I am blessed. I can feel it in the quiet moments when I have a chance to reflect. I feel those blessings fill in all of my cracks. Honoring those covenants keeps me whole.
    A few scriptures and talks are always listed as references for the lessons. All of the scriptures and talks touched me but a talk by President Henry B. Eyring titled, "Daughters in the Covenant" really touched me. In this talk he discusses the covenants we make when we are baptized. He references a scripture in the Book of Mormon about some of the baptismal covenants and goes on to reference it to women in particular.

Mosiah 18: 8-9

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 

    Again tears openly flowed down my cheeks as I realized all of the faithful, covenant keeping women in my life. We promised at baptism to, "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort". I have seen so many women keep this particular covenant through serving me.

     There's Amy who is an angel (pun intended, for those of you that know her you will get it). Multiple times Amy has watched my kids for extended blocks of time with nothing but a smile on her face while doing it. She has never made me feel like my kids were a burden.

     Janae who has always been so willing to help with my kids as well. She has always been such a positive person to be around. She lifts my spirits and cries when I cry.

     Diana who has been a voice of reason and wisdom. A friend that listens and understands.

     My friend Shannon has stocked my fridge and freezer while watching my kids so I could attend Young Women's. She didn't even say a word and still pretends she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

     Jaynee has brought me many dirty diet cokes. (God bless her). She has paid my utility bills when I didn't know how I was going to pay them. She has helped me paint and fix up my house into the late hours of the night.

     Julie, who doesn't even know how much it means to me that she is so patient with my almost four year old who won't go to sunbeams. Week after week she allows him to come into nursery and helps him transition into primary.

    There's a gal I'm quite fond of named Chantal who is so genuine and kind. I can count on her for a laugh every time I have a conversation with her. Her kiddos are also quite nifty.

     You've already heard me mention Tory and there are no words for the gratitude I feel for her services she extended to me those first few days. She dropped everything with the support of her family to be there for me day or night. She made my pain her pain.

     There are so many others that deserve to be mentioned. So many that support me through kind words and a smiling face. So many women who have mourned with me and taken the time to comfort me. I'm just scratching the surface. I haven't even touched on the women in my family yet!!
      My mom, who has always been an example to me of keeping covenants even through trials. She continues to grow in the gospel and is a source of light and knowledge for me. The time, sweat, tears, and money she has put into her service to me blows me away and I pray to keep my covenants as well as she does.
      My sister has spent hours serving my little family. She loves my kids like they are her own. She never wavers in her faith and is always there when I need her.
      Sister-in-laws have sent me uplifting thoughts and quotes regularly to help lift my spirits. One watched my kids for four days along with her four children who are similar ages. That makes 8 kids 11 and under!!!
      Aunts and more sisters have been a listening ear and have said many prayers for me. They have extended financial donations.

      Reading this talk I felt so uplifted and honored to have these covenant keeping women in my life. They are such examples to me!! They are God's hands and instruments and many of my prayers have been answered through them. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such generosity! I think that's the point, I didn't do anything to deserve it and they did it anyway just because that's who they are.

      I have been thinking a lot about compassion lately and pondering how one develops it. It's a topic I'm very intrigued by. I don't understand why some people so often don't seem to have that virtue? This lesson I prepared tonight helped me realize on a deeper level that compassion and service go hand in hand. To those women that have served me and to women everywhere who are serving those around them I say thank you! I want to be more like you! My hope is that I can be more aware of those around me and continue to fulfill the covenants I made at baptism.

    I highly recommend that you click on the link to President Eyring's talk above and read it! Truly it is a very powerful reminder of the blessings that we will receive if we keep our covenants. Further more, it was an excellent reminder of the divine virtues women have been blessed with by nature. I could feel the Spirit testifying to me that those things are true.