I. AM. STILL. HERE.

The last few months have been brutal. After discovering my mom's cancer I have slowly but surely sunk into depression. The pain and the fear I feel makes me ache to have someone to comfort me. Part of me went into shock and I haven't always thought rationally. A piece of me so desperately kept seeking out a relationship because she worries so much about me and I don't want her to have to leave this world without knowing I'm happily married. It's crazy, its irrational, but it's grief. I put the kids to bed and I'm left with my heavy thoughts and a loneliness unlike anything I've ever experienced sets in. Logically I know that I have to heal myself. Logically I know that the atonement is the only way to do that but I look at happy couples helping each other through life and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling empty and like I don't matter deeply, on a daily basis to someone other than my kids. So mostly I have been coping by ignoring my problems or trying to distract myself. I have been running from and trying to block my pain because I fear that if I truly feel it, it will be too much to handle. I've shut out friends and turned inward. It has been and is a very dark and unhealthy place to be. I have continued to say my prayers, read my scriptures, and act like everything is fine but I have been only going through the motions not really feeling anything. Going through life hollow and desperate for someone or something to fill me up again. Paralyzed by fear and pain.

Last night I was woken up at 1:43 am by the buzzing sound of my phone on the hard wood of my bedside table. In my efforts to distract myself or relieve some of my loneliness I have been casually texting/messaging a few lds guys  I don't want to make this about my love life or lack of but I do believe some background would be a little helpful. This guy that texted me last night, lets call him John. Anyway John and I had texted quite a bit back and forth one day about all kinds of things from music to our previous heart breaks. He seemed really nice and interested but it was too early to really tell. As time went on he became kind of withdrawn and to be honest I didn't really reach out either. Then last night I get this text:

"Hey I wanted to do the right thing

and kind of just let you know that 

I'm now seeing someone and have 

decided to date her exclusively. I 

hope you understand that it doesn't

have anything to do with a lack of 

interest in you. I honestly think you 

are an amazing woman and person. 

And I've wrestled with the idea of 

burning a bridge with you or potentially

hurting or disappointing you for a

while now. Ultimately though I feel

like it would be unfair to you to 

continue to pursue anything with 

you if I didn't have my whole heart

in it. 

I don't know how any of this sounds. 

I probably sound like an extremely 

pretentious douche. I am hoping that the

takeaway that you get from this is that

I respect you enough to be totally 

honest with you. I wouldn't do 

that if you're opinion of me didn't 

matter to me. But it does, because I 

know that you are a really strong, 

amazing person. And whoever you end

up with is going to be an extremely

lucky guy.

I hope you aren't upset by this, or 

that I have done anything that has

been hurtful to you or wrong in

any way. Please know that I am really

sorry and I assure you that that was 

never my intention. I really just want 

the best for you and your kids. You have

been through a hell of a lot, and I will 

honestly keep your family in my prayers. 

I don't think that I have come across 

anyone in the recent past that I feel is

more deserving of a happy life than you. 

And I honestly mean that. I meant everything 

I said. You are beautiful, you are sexy, and you

exude an extremely strong spirit. And I 

honestly respect that, and I am grateful to

have gotten to know you a little bit. "

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't really invested myself in this guy because we didn't know each other long. Yet for some reason tears were filling my eyes. I felt complimented and rejected all at the same time. It was really quite bizarre that I had been rejected by others that I was more interested or invested in and yet the way he phrased things I suddenly felt so very lonely. And for the first time in months I allowed myself to really feel all of the pain. I reread that text a few times and tried to process it before responding as graciously as I could. Thanking him for his honesty and wishing him all the luck and happiness in the world. After all he too had suffered and been lonely and deserved a little slice of joy. Then the sobs came and I found myself on my knees truly and sincerely praying to Heavenly Father once more the way I had so often in the past. I was finally feeling something again other than numbness. "Heavenly Father I don't understand why I'm having to do so many difficult things on my own, without a mate. I have always done my best to be faithful and I work so frickin hard to be happy and choose happiness every day of my life. For once I just want to naturally feel happy. I know I've been so immensely blessed and I feel like a brat for complaining but it's how I feel right now. I apologize for my very mortal mind that lacks patience and understanding for Thy will. I am aware that You know what I've been through. I know You haven't been blind to my pain as I've been told as much in a blessing. But so what? That doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling right now! I'm sorry for being ungrateful for not comprehending everything the way I probably should be but I don't understand. What is the point of all of this? Why am I continually faithful when I still hurt so much?" SILENCE and then, "I don't know what it is you want of me but I'm still here. I am still fighting, still trying, still believing. I have endured much, maybe not well, but I'm still here." At that point I began to sob repeatedly as if begging Him to see me, "I am still here, I am still here. I am still here." And then it gradually turned into a positive affirmation. "I am still here!" Finally it ended as a powerful statement, a warrior's battle cry. Each word distinct and deliberate. "I. AM. STILL. HERE!" As I rose from my knees I was weak and weary. I had exerted much emotional energy into that prayer. I silently cried tears of relief to be feeling something again and as I laid my head on my pillow I resolved to keep fighting the good fight. 

I'm not sure why that text was the trigger that finally humbled me to let down my walls again and be real with my Heavenly Father. Regardless I'm thankful for the way He works in my life, always knowing how to bring me back to Him. I'm thankful for "John's" honesty and that he acted and sent me that text when he did. Last night I realized something. I have experienced a lot of pain in my relatively short life, it could always be worse I know but as I look back on what I've been through it has been no easy feat. And yet by some miracle I am still here. I have survived the unthinkable and by the grace of God I am still here, a little worse for the wear in a few places but polished in others. As I said those words over and over again it felt like my heart was bleeding I realized that I will always still be here. There is a God given strength in me, that although I get discouraged and knocked down, refuses to give up. There still might be much pain and testing ahead of me but I will not let Satan win! I am not perfect, I'll make many mistakes but I will always come back. Why? It's simple really. I know and have felt the Savior's love and Heavenly Father's love and it is so sweet that I cannot deny it. I cannot stop fighting until I can feel of that love all the time. I imagine being reunited with Them and the feeling of sweet satisfaction as I honestly say, "I gave my all so that I might be at peace in Your presence." Sometimes my mortal and weak mind forgets what my spirit knows. Their love is so great that every hardship and trial I may experience will be obviously worth it once I am reunited with Them again! What a glorious day that will be and as for now as I stumble so imperfectly through life I find comfort in knowing that I'm still here. 

          I don't always feel like I have the ability to be strong anymore but I keep choosing to try to be. 

Walls

 

    Humor me and allow me to turn into a therapist for this post. This topic has been on my mind lately.
    Back in July I wrote about how excited I was to fall in love again. It is now nearly December and in just a brief window of single life I had started to become jaded. I started an online dating profile a while back, because honestly as a single mom of little kids how else am I going to gain any dating experience let alone find someone? (Side note: if you're going to lecture me about the dangers of online dating save your breath. I have a protective older brother that has already given me a LENGTHY and DETAILED education of what to look out for and he is prepared to do multiple background checks. Literally.) Anyway, it didn't take very long for reality to hit me square in the face. People are hurt and broken and walls are up. Different people put their walls up differently. Some people put up their walls by wanting only "hookups" with the mentality of, "if I don't really know you to care about you then I won't get hurt, right?" Others put up their walls by only talking about vague and non-personal things. They won't make any small chat about their lives. Some do really well and appear to be pretty open and then they freeze and retract again in fear. And then there are those that will only make small chat never going any deeper. When the walls are up even basic conversation is difficult. Everyone aches to be loved and find that special someone but few are truly open to the possibility of love. How does anyone expect to find love without even having a real conversation? I'm not even talking the complicated, deep stuff but simply a real conversation about their life, likes, and interests. Very few people are willing to carry on a dialogue. It's fairly simple; you ask a question, they answer, then they ask you a question, and so on and so forth. Every one is so afraid of getting hurt again that they even lose the ability to communicate effectively.
      Luckily for me, I'm not in a big hurry and I definitely don't feel any pressure to find someone right away.  I'm actually enjoying my time getting more comfortable and confident with who I am and I'm tapping even deeper into my unique identity as a daughter of God. I'm trying to get more comfortable with talking to men again and if a connection happens, it happens. Hurry or not, I find it so disheartening and depressing that so many people are afraid to be vulnerable. Their fear of vulnerability leaves things feeling a little one sided and then in turn I feel like I have to pull back a little. I don't want to be open if they're not going to be, otherwise I'm the one that gets hurt because I have more to lose. So then nobody is open, it's a vicious cycle. Everyone turns inward. Let me be clear, I'm not saying that we have to tell everyone everything, in fact we shouldn't! We should be selective with who we tell and what we tell (says the woman whose life is an open book because she blogs about it *cough cough* hypocrite*). What I'm saying is that if there is some mutual interest there and you feel good about the person don't hold back because of fear. I found myself doing that very thing. Even my mentality changed, instead of being more optimistic and kind I found myself feeling bitter and resentful. I hated feeling that way! I had an experience that woke me up to what I was doing and I realized that's not who I want to be. I don't care how many times my ego gets bruised, or I am left feeling disappointed, I refuse to be this closed off bitter person. I refuse to withdraw from relationships before I even give them a fair shot. I refuse to live my life in fear in any aspect, including my love life. Am I afraid? ABSOLUTELY!!! I have been burned and I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I am choosing to face my fears. Nothing worthwhile comes without a little risk and a little pain.
      It's okay to be afraid. It's a normal response after getting hurt. If you trip and fall on the stairs you're going to be a little more cautious and afraid next time you use the stairs (ask me I know). Fear is our body's way of protecting itself. What's not okay is to dwell in that fear. It would be ridiculous for me to never take a flight of stairs again because I stumbled once or twice. Fear can be a good thing but it can also hinder us if we're not careful. It's especially detrimental to us when we choose fear over faith. We must listen to promptings Heavenly Father gives us no matter how afraid we are or we might lose out on a wonderful blessing. It will be hard to choose faith, I guarantee it! Be patient with yourself and keep praying for help to overcome your fear. It might take a while to get there but allow the atonement to do its job and eventually you will get there.
      When we have been severely hurt in relationships, it can make it really scary for us to be vulnerable again. We may even feel emotionally paralyzed, completely incapable of being vulnerable. What I've realized is that the atonement is critical for me, even in my love life. I can get over my fears, I can heal, I can trust again because of the atonement. Although beneficial, no amount of therapy or self help books will do for me what the atonement of our Savior can. There is no pain in this life that the atonement doesn't cover!
      My life is crazy right now with everything going on with my mom and all of the things I have to do for my kiddos as a single parent. I'm okay with being single, in fact I actually kind or prefer it right now because my practical and limited mortal mind can't comprehend how a relationship would work at the moment. I'm also okay if Heavenly Father places someone in my life and tells me to pursue it. Again I am in no rush to get into a relationship but I will not push away something Heavenly Father wants for me because I don't think the timing is right or because I don't want to get hurt. I'm doing my best to live my life in general with the guidance of the spirit and trust in His plan for me. I try to listen to the promptings I get even if I think Heavenly Father has a screw loose once in a while. Sometimes He prompts me to do things and I think He must be crazy, there's no way I can do what He's asking of me. Doesn't He get that I'm done getting hurt? He does know. He knows my heart. He knows how broken I feel. He knows how much I doubt. He knows I ache. He knows I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. He knows what I need and what my kids need better than I do. I believe in His love and plan for me so strongly that I force myself to swallow my fear and be vulnerable when it feels right. I'm not perfect at everything I've written about but I keep striving to be open to the His plan for me. When something happens and my tender feelings get hurt I turn it over to Him in prayer and "move forward with faith".
 

   

An Open Letter to my Daughter

   I was reading scriptures a while ago with my kids when my four year old son lost it. Out of no where he began to cry uncontrollably. "I want my daddy! Why can't he come out of jail? Why? I want daddy!" Over and over again he sobbed out these words. My daughter looked up from the floor where she was sitting and I could see it all in her eyes. Her big, blue, tear filled, eyes said "It's my fault he can't see dad". She too began to cry and I had both kiddos sobbing in my lap. I did my best to soothe them and then I looked over at my oldest son and thought to myself, "oh no, he is going to lose it too". But he didn't. He surprised me by calmly walking over and rubbing both of their backs while I held them and said, "It's okay, we'll see dad again. Don't be sad". I suggested we say a special prayer for daddy and my oldest son volunteered to say it. "Dear Heavenly Father please bless daddy that he will repent and choose the right. Bless that he can love Jesus and that we will see him again. Bless that he will be able to find us when he gets out of jail. Bless my brother and my sister that they won't be sad and that they won't miss daddy so much. Bless that we will be happy and comfortable here in this apartment even though we only have two bedrooms and one bathroom. (lol) In the name of Jesus Christ Amen." Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. Tears of joy. I was so proud of the spirit this six year old boy brought into our home. I was so proud of him for comforting his brother and sister. I was so proud of the extraordinary prayer that came from his heart. Usually he is the difficult one of my kids and here he was stepping up and acting like the "man of the house" at only six years of age. I ache that he feels that responsibility at such a tender age but what a tender mercy that moment was for me. I am the luckiest mom alive to have such tender hearted kids!
    Since that day one of my biggest concerns has been my daughters feelings of guilt. I've pulled her aside and talked to her a few times about her feelings. I don't know how to convince an eight year old girl that it isn't her fault when the consequences of her telling someone took her dad away. The counselor, myself, and other family members can continually tell her it's not her fault but the way things have played out leads her to believe otherwise. In the beginning, when everything was still under investigation, her brothers were allowed supervised visitation with Nic but she wasn't. She felt like she was being punished and that dad was mad at her for telling. The system, in my opinion, has some major flaws. There has to be a better way! No child should ever feel that kind of rejection or guilt for something that an adult they trusted did. I know she can't quite understand it all now so I've decided to write her a letter that one day she can read and hopefully it will hit home.

My dearest daughter,

From the moment you were born I knew you were special. There was something about your spirit that told me I would learn from you. Even as a baby you've always been so animated and full of joy. There is NOTHING weak about you! You've always been determined and have known exactly what you have wanted. In addition to these strong qualities you have always possessed a great compassion for others. You've seen those that are hurting and crying and been so aware of their pain. I marvel at the way you balance these attributes so naturally. From the time you were tiny I would often look at you and see everything I wanted to become. Some say that we get to choose our family before we come to this earth. If that is true I feel so lucky that you chose me!

This last year alone you've absolutely amazed me with your strength, resilience, and grace! You have experienced more confusion and pain than I ever did at your age. You have been betrayed by someone you trusted to care for you. I don't know personally what that feels like as a child. What I do know is you were robbed and it isn't fair. You were robbed of a normal father/daughter relationship. You were robbed of a carefree childhood. You were robbed of getting to experience certain things for the first time the way they should be experienced, with someone you love when you are much older. Unfortunately life isn't fair. I wish I could have done something, anything to prevent this from happening to you! I ache so deeply that I couldn't. I'm so sorry! I am so deeply sorry!

This is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT! You did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this! You didn't say anything wrong or do anything wrong! Your dad was sick. He was weak and he needed help but didn't seek it out. He got caught in Satan's trap and believed his lies. Let that be a lesson to you to fight like hell against Satan and his lies! Your dad will have to live with those choices he made for the rest of his life. That kind of guilt can eat you alive. Satan led him there and then once it was too late to go back Satan left him all alone. Heavenly Father will never leave you alone! Life will have challenges no matter what you do but the difference is that if you choose Satan he will abandon you when you are at your lowest and Heavenly Father will not.

I know what happened to you was confusing. I know it felt like love sometimes. I also know it made you feel uncomfortable too. Sometimes we can feel more than one feeling at once. I know when you told your school counselor that it must have been really scary for you. When you came home from school that same day and the police were at our house you must have been terrified! You haven't seen your dad since that day you told and I know a part of you misses him. Another part of you is scared he's mad at you and yet another part is relieved that those things aren't happening to you anymore. These are grown up, complex feelings for a little girl to have!

What I need you to know is that I've talked to your dad multiple times and his biggest regret is knowing what he's put you through and all you've had to deal with. He knows that you blame yourself. He's told me to tell you that he's not mad at you and it's not your fault. I have told you what he said. We have talked about it with your counselor. It's a lot for a little girl to understand.

One day you will probably have a lot of anger. If that happens just know that it's okay. It's okay to be angry. It's even okay to be angry with me. Be angry, cry, scream, yell, and feel every emotion you need to in order to put this behind you. Just don't let the anger become or define you. I told the judge this in my statement and I'm telling you now: The absolute truth is you are only a victim if you choose to be. Because I know you so well I am confident that you won't live your life as a victim. You have already chosen forgiveness as a little girl and I know that as an adult, when you intellectually understand more, that you will choose forgiveness again.

As I've said before: life isn't fair. It never will be. All we are in control of is our own attitudes and happiness. What are we going to do with what we've been given? As I see it there are only 2 choices: 1. To feel sorry for ourselves and be miserable or 2. To choose to learn from it and use it to make a difference. The latter is the only way we will find happiness.

It isn't always easy to forgive. The only way you will ever truly forgive is if you let the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ heal your heart. Seek Him in all that you do!  When you are angry, turn to Him in prayer. When you can't make the feelings of sadness dissipate, open your scriptures. When you physically and emotionally can't take anymore pain tell Him. Cry, plead, and sob about all of your heartaches to your Heavenly Father. He will NEVER leave you comfortless. I know because I've done it! I've cried countless times on my knees in agony. Slowly you will feel the healing powers of the atonement begin to put your heart back together again.

My dear daughter, you are so loved!!! I cannot express it enough! Heavenly Father helped you tell the right person that day at school. He gave you the courage to tell. You told a little girl that you weren't even friends with. I believe you were prompted to tell that little girl because she knew what to do. She knew that you needed to tell an adult. On another occasion all of my family held a fast specifically for you. We all prayed for comfort and healing for your little broken heart. That very Sunday you got up and bore your testimony. Tears streamed down my face as the spirit so clearly testified to me that you were going to be okay. You have a strength inside of you unlike anything I have ever seen! You will have happiness! You will have peace! You will know joy! I thank God everyday that you are mine!

                                                                                    To the moon and back,
                                                                                     Mom

Dancing in the Rain

                                These pictures were taken by my incredible friend Diana!

   My kids start school bright and early tomorrow so naturally I decided at midnight that it would be a good time to blog. (No sarcasm here). I will most definitely regret this decision in the morning but I have had my daughter on my mind all day. I feel compelled to share her strength and goodness.
   When everything first came to light one of my first thoughts was about my daughter's upcoming baptism. Who would baptize her? I was so sad that she didn't have the opportunity to have her daddy do it. Even more heartbreaking, he couldn't baptize her because he had abused her. For months I felt heartbroken that such a joyous thing would now be tainted. Finally I mustered the courage to let it go and accept reality. I knew any of her uncles would be more than willing to baptize her. I asked her who she would like to baptize her and she chose my brother Naitt. I allowed her to continue to pick who she would like to participate in her baptism.
    The time finally came for her baptism and it was the first time since everything happened that I had seen some of my family. It was so comforting to see them again and to physically feel their love for us. I prayed and prayed that I would be at peace that day and that my daughter especially would feel peace. I wanted her to realize the significance of the choice she had made to be baptized and to focus on that and not on the fact that her daddy wasn't the one baptizing her. I carefully helped her dress that morning, making sure she looked and felt as special as she could. This little girl deserved to feel special and to know how many people loved her! She had suffered unmentionable things and I wanted this to be a celebration for her. Most importantly I wanted her to know how much Heavenly Father loved her! I had seen His love for her in many ways and I knew He was so very proud of her for speaking up about the abuse. I guarantee that was the hardest thing she ever did! She was braver than most people ever are. Not only did she speak up and as a result her little world was rocked but she helped comfort her brothers and even me! This day was just one more incredible decision she had made. She had done so many hard things without the Holy Ghost as her constant companion what would she be capable of once she received Him as her constant companion?
   We arrived at the church and the love was overwhelming in that little room. Many family members were openly crying. They were touched by the spirit and by the amazing little girl that my daughter is. When I took her back to help her change into her jumpsuit she was literally jumping with joy. That still makes me tear up. Her excitement was absolutely contagious! The grace with which she had conducted herself still amazes me. She is truly an example and a light to me.
    My brother Kenton gave a talk on baptism and tears streamed down his face as he talked about love and returning to our Heavenly Father. My mom gave a talk on the Holy Ghost and she too was full of the spirit. Her two aunts gave the opening and closing prayers. Her cousins sang a beautiful version of "When I am Baptized".
    When I greeted her as she came out of the water she was beaming. This little girl knew nothing of pain that day. She knew nothing of abuse or sadness. This little girl knew the Savior! She knew the atonement's healing powers and I could see in her face that day that she had received His image in her countenance.
    It wasn't until later that I learned from my brother's wife that after he had baptized my daughter he wept in the bathroom. His heart was broken that it wasn't her daddy who had baptized her. He too had loved her daddy. He was touched and honored to have baptized her and there was so much emotion right on the surface. Naitt never told me about this himself. I don't think he wanted to burden me or make it about him. What he doesn't know is that is exactly why I love him so much! That is the kind of selfless person he is. I'm so thankful for all of my big brothers and their tender hearts!
    Her Uncle Bry confirmed her. Seeing her sitting in that chair surrounded by all of these uncles from both sides of the family and her grandpa was absolutely touching. The priesthood was very much still a part of her life! She was surrounded by priesthood power!
   That day could not have gone any more perfectly! The spirit was strong. What I thought was going to be tainted because of misfortune and trial was actually sweeter because of the manner with which she handled misfortune and trial. Afterwards as she was hugging loved ones and accepting gifts she walked up to her grandpa and asked him to give a piece of candy to her daddy. Again, she knew the atonement! Her forgiving heart of gold, I know, touched her dad when he heard that.  I will forever be thankful that she is my daughter!
   The amazing, incredible thing about the atonement is that it has even worked it's powers on my children who have no comprehension of what it really means. Children truly are so much closer to the spirit than adults. I have had to really work hard to receive the same healing powers in my life that my daughter received months ago, effortlessly. I cannot praise our Savior enough! When I doubted my ability as a mother to heal my children, when I left gaps, the atonement filled in. My daughter might know more sorrow later as she comes to comprehend more adult things and the severity of what happened to her. I am confident that the atonement can heal her from any pain she may face! I know she is a force to be reckoned with. She knows how to choose light and happiness. She will do great things and I am confident that through her own process she will choose the atonement again and again.
   The lesson I learn from my daughter's example is to always find the rainbow after the rain. Just like the song that was sung at her baptism by her cousins. "I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain." Her little heart was broken and she chose to find the rainbow. Life is crazy hard and we cannot predict what trials and challenges will come our way. We will often feel like we have our own personal rain cloud. Learning to dance in the rain and look for the rainbow will make life so much sweeter. After the rainstorm always comes something good. Have faith in that rainbow and in the meantime learn to dance in the rain. We can't control when the rain will stop but we do know at some point it will stop. We don't know how long it will rain so if we simply just sit there and get wet we will simply be wet and miserable. Learning to enjoy the rain and hope for the rainbow is the key to happiness. Only the atonement can teach you how to dance in the rain.

 

 

 

 

 

  

The Unimaginable

    Nic confessed to me on a Thursday. The following Monday we went to a counseling appointment at LDS services. The counselor was incredible! I felt like he really understood me and then he would turn and talk to Nic and I felt like he had so much compassion for him. How he balanced both of our crazy emotions is beyond me. The counselor encouraged Nic to turn himself in to the authorities. Afterwards Nic and I got in my car and talked some more. More details began coming out about what had happened. The counselor really made Nic feel comfortable and he began spilling secrets like a leaky faucet. I was flabbergasted! I thought I already knew it all, how could there be more? I don't even remember what I said to Nic but I do remember I didn't cry. Once we were in our own separate vehicles and driving home the tears came.
   Since it was evident we weren't getting back together and some truths were out in the open I felt it was time to tell our friends what was happening. Most of our family already knew and had been praying and fasting for us. Nic and I had a close group of friends and they knew something was up with us. It was time they knew too. It was so hard to tell some of them. They were Nic's best friends. He had one friend in particular that he spent a lot of time with. I dreaded telling him. I learned a couple of things from telling family and friends. These are things that I already knew intellectually but they are now written on my heart.  1. When you make a really bad choice it is absolutely devastating to EVERYONE that loves you. The ripples of pain that it can cause is excruciating. 2.Sometimes it's worse to be the person not directly affected by a bad choice. Sometimes it kills you to watch it from the outside and not know what to do. When you really love and care about a person it is painful to watch them hurt, to know they're suffering and you can't do anything about it. This experience has cemented a lot of my relationships. I have had family, friends, and even acquaintances bleed for me and my little family.
    Days were going by and Nic still wasn't turning himself in. I was concerned because without some sort of evidence or confession we still didn't have any sort of case to go on. Yes he had confessed to me but it wasn't enough to prosecute him. Even though he was saying he was sorry I couldn't trust it and I knew something more needed to happen or he would get visitation with the kids without supervision. I had the hardest time wrapping my brain around his motives. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't turning himself in if he was really, truly sorry and repentant. If I had done something that horrific to one of my kids I would be turning myself in so fast and in complete despair. His words and his actions started to say different things. I'm not sure what happened to that Nic who was suicidal and felt Godly sorrow. I have wondered if Satan started placing other thoughts in his head that caused him to start justifying his actions. I held another fast that I would be able to protect my kids and that Nic would turn himself in.
    A couple more days went by and still Nic hadn't done it. I woke up one morning and was taking a shower when a very clear thought came to me, "you need to record him." I had already done that and failed. I continued getting ready and I couldn't shake the impression that I needed to record his confession that very day. He'd already said it all once and I didn't know if he would trust me enough to say it all over again. He knew that I felt really strongly about him turning himself in to the authorities. I called him within the hour and made arrangements to meet him that night at his parents house after the kids went to bed. That day dragged on and on. I was so nervous!! I wasn't a spy or an undercover agent, why did I think I could do this? We weren't meeting at a public place and what if he discovered that I was recording him? I would have to put the recording device fairly close to where he would be sitting. Finally the time came to head over there. When I got about a block away I pulled over and hit record then hid the device on a built in shelf right underneath the car stereo. I couldn't stop shaking. I said a prayer to calm my nerves and that once again I would be able to say the right things. I called to let him know I was close and he came out. I parked in front of the house and I started the conversation by talking about some logistics. We needed to file taxes. At some point I began to ask him questions about our daughter. The questions came out effortlessly and the conversation flowed smoothly and calmly. A few times he moved his hand close to that center shelf and my heart rate would quicken a little. He never did find the device and when he got out of the car I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten him to repeat clearly and in detail all of the abuse. I should say the Lord had done it. He really was the one who had guided me and told me what to say. I was about a block away when Nic called. "Hey I was just wondering did you by chance record me?" My stomach twisted and my blood pressure spiked. "Crap he knows. What do I do?" I panicked. I was only a block away and I was really afraid for my safety at that moment. I don't know if he would've done anything to me but I had seen his anger and wrath before. Flashes of 20/20 episodes came to mind, this was stuff people killed over. "No, I didn't record you."  I drove towards home in record time. I wanted to put distance between us. I later felt so guilty about lying, even if it was to protect my kids, that once I turned in a copy of the recording to the authorities I called Nic and told him what I'd done.
   Since that day I've listened to that recording only twice. It does not even sound like my voice. My voice sounds so calm and soothing with very little inflection. Again I was guided. I still look back on those experiences in complete awe. I can't believe that was me, not a spy, not a detective but me. It is amazing what we are capable of when Heavenly Father is guiding us!!! He can transform us into anything we need to be. I in no way think I am on the same platform as Nephi but I couldn't help but think about Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. He had never killed a man before and he didn't want to slay Laban. It seemed to be so contrary to Nephi's basic nature and demeanor to kill a man. He doubted his ability to follow the command. The spirit reassured him and gave him the command again. Nephi was able to do the unthinkable with the help of the Lord. I felt strongly that I had done the unthinkable. It is not my nature to be sneaky and secretive. In both instances there was a greater good to be accomplished. Had I ignored that prompting to record Nic my kids would be at risk and Nic wouldn't be getting the help he really needs. Sometimes faith requires doing the unimaginable. When we trust in Him we can be transformed and given special gifts and talents that we don't normally possess. I learned a powerful lesson about faith that night.

  
   

Turning on the Light

    That first day I received the news is a blur. I remember snippets here and there. "He's sick, we need to get him some help." "She told the school counselor." I vaguely remember the detective and the social worker trying to distract me by talking about their pets as we were waiting for my sister to arrive. They needed her to come sign off as a third party witness to a "protection plan". The protection plan stated that Nic would not be allowed to be in the home or around the kids. Nic wasn't working that day and had gone shooting. I tried to call him several times but he didn't answer. Finally I called his parents. "I need you to come get Nic some stuff. (sob) CPS is here and a detective. They said he did something to our daughter." I choked out the words as best as a could. I can only imagine what my mother-in-law had going through her head as I dropped that bomb.
    My sister showed up and I fell apart. She was someone safe. Someone I could fall apart with. I saw her and instantly felt light and love coming from her. To me in that moment she was an angel coming to my rescue. She sat and listened to the social workers and absorbed all the information I couldn't because after that first sentence, "He touched your daughter inappropriately" I went into shock. Sometime during all of this my older kids came home from school. I can't tell you when. I can't tell you what they were doing during all of this. I know my sister and CPS just took care of them.
    Shortly after CPS and the detective left my in-laws showed up. They came upstairs to my room and I packed a bag for Nic. I asked my father-in-law for a priesthood blessing. Once again I can't remember what was said. Then the four of us decided to open a fast. We knelt around my bed and my sister offered the prayer. Again the love radiated from her. She truly felt godly sorrow for the situation and I knew that she loved Nic as a Child of God. I knew she wanted to take away my pain. I knew she was mindful of my babies and the changes this would bring to them.
    That evening people were in and out like crazy. My room became headquarters for discussing the sensitive information so the kids wouldn't hear. My dear friend Tory came over. The Bishop was called and came over. My brother was over most of the night. The service that was extended to me that night will NEVER be forgotten. I had painted our daughter's room earlier that morning and needed to put the curtain rod back up. I had planned on Nic doing it not realizing that wouldn't be an option. My brother stayed and put it up for me. He did little odd jobs here and there around the house to make my life easier. Tory and my sister Laura fed my kids dinner, did the dishes, cleaned the kids rooms, bathed the kids, and put them to bed all while comforting me.
    My sister went home to get an overnight bag so she could stay with me that first night. Later that evening when the kids were all asleep and everyone else had all gone home we sat downstairs on the couch and just sat in silence. Occasionally I would have a thought I would share with her. She just sat and listened. I know it was hard for her. She too was in pain and we both just sat there in shock.
    I can't talk about this day without mentioning a spiritual experience I had. A tender mercy was extended to me. When I was 16 my dad died just two weeks shy of my 17th birthday. He was a spiritual giant and someone I leaned on for comfort and spiritual guidance. When I was alone with just my brother and sister I had an overwhelming sense that my dad was with us in the room. I hugged my brother and cried, "I can feel dad. I miss him." The peace that my dad's presence gave me was overwhelming. It was as if he was saying, "I'm still here. You're going to be okay. You're never alone."
    This was my darkest day and yet it wasn't as dark as it could have been. I had the Lord on my side. I had family. I had friends. I was not alone. I am never alone. A Harry Potter quote comes to mind :

(yes I'm really quoting Harry Potter.) I had turned on the light. By choosing to pray in my time of need, fasting, surrounding myself with good people, and asking for a priesthood blessing I had turned on the light. If you are going through a hard time turn on the light! Maybe you've made a big mistake and you don't think you can come back from it, maybe you are experiencing health problems, maybe you are experiencing depression, you might have lost a loved one, or you simply might feel lost and alone ; my message to you is turn on the light! Let people help you! Pray for help! Keep trying! I can assure you this is not a one time thing. Every day I have to turn on the light just like I would in real life. Sometimes multiple times a day. If you turn on the light you will discover there is hope. There is happiness. People care and are generally good. You will discover you can do hard things. Most of all you will discover that when you think you are alone Heavenly Father is there. He is waiting for you to turn on that light. I don't always get some huge, amazing experience when I turn on the light but I do always get a feeling of comfort and love. I dare you to try it! Be brave. When you turn one light on in one room it gets a little brighter but as you go through the house and turn each and every light on it's really bright. The more you turn on the light the brighter your life will get.
       Surely this day was my darkest day and I still have many challenges ahead of me. I pray that I too will always remember to turn on that light.