Crossing the Ocean

All summer long I have looked for a job to no avail. I'd submitted application after application and landed some interviews only for them to offer the job to someone more qualified. I'd even been offered a couple of jobs but I couldn't make the schedule work with school and my kids. Things just weren't lining up right. About a month ago I was driving home from yet another job interview and was reflecting on how I thought it went. They loved me and I was pretty confident I was going to get offered the job. (I was offered the job). I had no reason to doubt and I was feeling content. As I was driving the distinct thought, "Utah" popped into my mind. Just Utah by itself. I knew exactly what it meant. My mom lives in Utah and has a basement apartment. It was always a backup option for me but I was determined to not use it. I pushed the thought aside and didn't give it anymore time. A couple of weeks after that my sister and I were talking casually as we laid out in the sun and watched the kids swim and she mentioned something about Utah. What was this? Quit it! I didn't want to move to Utah! My kids lives were here in Idaho. My life was here in Idaho. Again I refused to accept that as an answer for me.
  It took a couple more weeks for me to hit reality square in the face of what Heavenly Father not only wanted me to do but needed me to do. It became quite clear that I COULD NOT under any circumstance provide for my little family up here in Idaho. Things I had hoped would pan out didn't and I found myself with no other choice it seemed. I called up my brother Bryon and had him come over and consult with me. I wanted to double check my reasoning and make sure I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't missing anything. He came over and confirmed what I had already thought and gave me another priesthood blessing. I was devastated at just the idea of moving! I couldn't imagine leaving behind all of the people who had been such a support to me through such a difficult time. I got in my car and took the kids for a drive around the lake so I could think. I had the music playing in the background and a song came on the radio that changed things for me.

          "Home" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

   As I listened to the lyrics I knew Utah would become home to my little family. I had flashbacks to when I had lived there before and there was something comforting about going back. The movie "Hope Floats" came to my mind and I just knew Utah was where my little family was supposed to start over. In that moment I did feel like I was coming full circle and returning home to my roots.

   As with any major decision I wanted to be 100% sure it was what Heavenly Father wanted. (Even though He had made it pretty clear). I told Heavenly Father what I had decided and I fasted that if for some reason I was supposed to stay in Idaho it would be made known to me. I made arrangements to attend the temple as soon as I could. A couple of days later I sat in the Celestial room pondering and praying for confirmation. I kept asking, "Am I supposed to go to Utah?" A mother and her young son were hugging and tenderly conversing and it caught my eye. He had gone through the temple for the first time that day and their joy was obvious. My question suddenly changed. "Where do I have to go and what to I have to do to get my kids to be in the Celestial room with me?" Bingo! The answers came flooding! Some of the answers I heard are too sacred to share publicly but basically what I heard was, "Utah, go to Utah".  The words "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord" came into my mind and I knew I needed to submit my will to His once more. Faith, trust, and hope filled my heart as I promised to Him that I would obey and move to Utah.

   So after 10 years away, to the month, I am making plans to return home to Utah. My pride has been swallowed and it has been a bittersweet decision. I have had the support of ALL of my family and friends including the kids dad. There are absolutely no words adequate enough to say how I feel about all of the wonderful people I have met and who have been a part of our daily lives during these ten years in Idaho. My ward family, my young women, my friends, Nic's friends, and all of our family. I have been beyond blessed with wonderful people to surround me in Idaho! My life is forever changed because of each and every one of them!

   Honestly I'm scared as hell sometimes! Moving four little ones as a single mom is a daunting task! Helping them adjust to a new life while trying to do the same makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out. Not seeing all the same faces that I know and trust so regularly breaks my heart. How am I possibly going to do this? Then I remember that Heavenly Father told me to do it. When has he ever led me wrong? When has he ever left me alone? Never! He hasn't, not once! Change is crazy hard. I have been pinning quotes on Pinterest like it is going out of style, trying to keep positive thoughts flowing about this change. There is much to be excited about!  I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting in a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. This change is necessary. How am I ever going to grow and claim all of the blessings He has to offer me if I live in fear? If I never take this chance to follow His path for me who knows what I'll miss? This is my chance to be brave. My chance to be fearless. I'm silencing my fears and my negative thoughts and I'm embracing the future!

   

 
  This will not be the end Idaho peeps! Idaho will always have a special place in my heart and I love each and every one of you! Thank you, thank you ,thank you for all of the love you've extended to my family over the years!

The Unimaginable

    Nic confessed to me on a Thursday. The following Monday we went to a counseling appointment at LDS services. The counselor was incredible! I felt like he really understood me and then he would turn and talk to Nic and I felt like he had so much compassion for him. How he balanced both of our crazy emotions is beyond me. The counselor encouraged Nic to turn himself in to the authorities. Afterwards Nic and I got in my car and talked some more. More details began coming out about what had happened. The counselor really made Nic feel comfortable and he began spilling secrets like a leaky faucet. I was flabbergasted! I thought I already knew it all, how could there be more? I don't even remember what I said to Nic but I do remember I didn't cry. Once we were in our own separate vehicles and driving home the tears came.
   Since it was evident we weren't getting back together and some truths were out in the open I felt it was time to tell our friends what was happening. Most of our family already knew and had been praying and fasting for us. Nic and I had a close group of friends and they knew something was up with us. It was time they knew too. It was so hard to tell some of them. They were Nic's best friends. He had one friend in particular that he spent a lot of time with. I dreaded telling him. I learned a couple of things from telling family and friends. These are things that I already knew intellectually but they are now written on my heart.  1. When you make a really bad choice it is absolutely devastating to EVERYONE that loves you. The ripples of pain that it can cause is excruciating. 2.Sometimes it's worse to be the person not directly affected by a bad choice. Sometimes it kills you to watch it from the outside and not know what to do. When you really love and care about a person it is painful to watch them hurt, to know they're suffering and you can't do anything about it. This experience has cemented a lot of my relationships. I have had family, friends, and even acquaintances bleed for me and my little family.
    Days were going by and Nic still wasn't turning himself in. I was concerned because without some sort of evidence or confession we still didn't have any sort of case to go on. Yes he had confessed to me but it wasn't enough to prosecute him. Even though he was saying he was sorry I couldn't trust it and I knew something more needed to happen or he would get visitation with the kids without supervision. I had the hardest time wrapping my brain around his motives. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't turning himself in if he was really, truly sorry and repentant. If I had done something that horrific to one of my kids I would be turning myself in so fast and in complete despair. His words and his actions started to say different things. I'm not sure what happened to that Nic who was suicidal and felt Godly sorrow. I have wondered if Satan started placing other thoughts in his head that caused him to start justifying his actions. I held another fast that I would be able to protect my kids and that Nic would turn himself in.
    A couple more days went by and still Nic hadn't done it. I woke up one morning and was taking a shower when a very clear thought came to me, "you need to record him." I had already done that and failed. I continued getting ready and I couldn't shake the impression that I needed to record his confession that very day. He'd already said it all once and I didn't know if he would trust me enough to say it all over again. He knew that I felt really strongly about him turning himself in to the authorities. I called him within the hour and made arrangements to meet him that night at his parents house after the kids went to bed. That day dragged on and on. I was so nervous!! I wasn't a spy or an undercover agent, why did I think I could do this? We weren't meeting at a public place and what if he discovered that I was recording him? I would have to put the recording device fairly close to where he would be sitting. Finally the time came to head over there. When I got about a block away I pulled over and hit record then hid the device on a built in shelf right underneath the car stereo. I couldn't stop shaking. I said a prayer to calm my nerves and that once again I would be able to say the right things. I called to let him know I was close and he came out. I parked in front of the house and I started the conversation by talking about some logistics. We needed to file taxes. At some point I began to ask him questions about our daughter. The questions came out effortlessly and the conversation flowed smoothly and calmly. A few times he moved his hand close to that center shelf and my heart rate would quicken a little. He never did find the device and when he got out of the car I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten him to repeat clearly and in detail all of the abuse. I should say the Lord had done it. He really was the one who had guided me and told me what to say. I was about a block away when Nic called. "Hey I was just wondering did you by chance record me?" My stomach twisted and my blood pressure spiked. "Crap he knows. What do I do?" I panicked. I was only a block away and I was really afraid for my safety at that moment. I don't know if he would've done anything to me but I had seen his anger and wrath before. Flashes of 20/20 episodes came to mind, this was stuff people killed over. "No, I didn't record you."  I drove towards home in record time. I wanted to put distance between us. I later felt so guilty about lying, even if it was to protect my kids, that once I turned in a copy of the recording to the authorities I called Nic and told him what I'd done.
   Since that day I've listened to that recording only twice. It does not even sound like my voice. My voice sounds so calm and soothing with very little inflection. Again I was guided. I still look back on those experiences in complete awe. I can't believe that was me, not a spy, not a detective but me. It is amazing what we are capable of when Heavenly Father is guiding us!!! He can transform us into anything we need to be. I in no way think I am on the same platform as Nephi but I couldn't help but think about Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. He had never killed a man before and he didn't want to slay Laban. It seemed to be so contrary to Nephi's basic nature and demeanor to kill a man. He doubted his ability to follow the command. The spirit reassured him and gave him the command again. Nephi was able to do the unthinkable with the help of the Lord. I felt strongly that I had done the unthinkable. It is not my nature to be sneaky and secretive. In both instances there was a greater good to be accomplished. Had I ignored that prompting to record Nic my kids would be at risk and Nic wouldn't be getting the help he really needs. Sometimes faith requires doing the unimaginable. When we trust in Him we can be transformed and given special gifts and talents that we don't normally possess. I learned a powerful lesson about faith that night.

  
   

Guided

*DISCLAIMER :THE NATURE OF THE THINGS IN THIS POST ARE VERY SACRED TO ME. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. I ALMOST DIDN'T SHARE IT BECAUSE IT IS SO SPECIAL TO ME SO PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL*

    Now that I had been prompted that Nic was lying to me I made a big decision. I decided to meet with a divorce attorney and file for a divorce. Just calling this high powered attorney intimidated me. I was so nervous. I drove downtown to his office and started the process. I felt so out of place in this really professional, upscale office. I was used to t-shirts, jeans, and a ponytail. As a stay at home mom I was totally out of my element. I went back into the conference room and began filling out paperwork when I heard my attorney start singing in the other room, "chains and chains of angel hair, ice cream castles in the air". My thought process went a little like this, "What? That was weird. I'm in an upscale law firm and my high powered attorney is singing a song my dad used to sing. A song I've never heard anyone but my dad sing." Later I was writing out the check for the retainer fee and all of a sudden in the background I heard, "Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban on the radio. I laughed out loud and the receptionist looked at me like I was crazy. I really think she thought I was losing it. I looked at her and said, "I'm sorry it's just I find it ironic that I'm filing for divorce and our song comes on the radio." Those were the first of many ironies during this process.
    I was on my way home driving on the freeway and I was nearing the exit that would take me to Nic's parents house, which is where he was staying during this time, and a clear voice said, " You need to go talk to Nic right now. Take that exit!" I had never planned on talking to Nic that day and my mom was expecting me but I got off of the exit anyway. I called my mom and told her what I was doing and she was a little apprehensive but I told her it felt right. As I neared Nic's parents house I called him and asked if he was home (he was supposed to be out of town for work) and if we could talk. I prayed the whole way there. "Heavenly Father why am I supposed to talk to him? I don't know what to say? I don't want to talk to him right now." As soon as I turned onto the right street a wave of calm washed over me. Nic was waiting out front and he got in the passenger side of the car. I didn't know until the minute I opened my mouth what I was supposed to say. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. Heavenly Father put the words right in my mouth. "I filed for divorce today. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel like you're being dishonest with me." Again he denied having done anything to our daughter. Finally I looked at him and said with tears in my eyes, "Nic don't you think Heavenly Father loves her enough that he wants it to stop? He wants the truth to come forth. Don't you realize that He loves our kids and wants them protected? Don't you realize that He loves me and He is answering my prayers for truth? I have tried my best to be obedient and faithful and He has spoken to me before about things you've done why would this be any different?" Silence. Finally Nic a little teary eyed got out of the car. As I drove away I could see him in my rearview mirror still standing there on the curb looking depressed. For the first time during this process I was really worried about him. He never confessed in the car what he had done but he stopped denying it.
   When I got home my mom was feeding the kids dinner. We said prayer and were just about to eat and I couldn't stop thinking about the way Nic looked standing on that curb. Something was really wrong. I felt sick to my stomach. He was going to do something stupid. The spirit told me, "You need to call him". I didn't want to I was still mad he was being dishonest. I had a brief thought that I could ignore that prompting and let him do something stupid than I wouldn't have to worry about him. The second I thought it I heard very loudly, "That would be wrong!! He is MINE and he is worth something to me, go call him now!!!!" Chastised and humbled I now felt panicked. What if I didn't get a hold of him in time? I rushed out of the room and went outside to the front porch and called him with a sickening sense of urgency. He answered!!!! All I could hear was sobs on the other end. Nic, who rarely cried, was audibly sobbing. He almost couldn't speak he was crying so hard. "There's so many things you don't know. I'm sorry for what I did. I never wanted to hurt her. " It was hard to make sense of it all. That day happened so fast. He wasn't making much sense. "Nic where are you?" He had gone for a drive and ended up at our church parking lot. I found out he had the guns with him. "Stay there, I'm sending help. You have to know it's never too late for you. Heavenly Father loves you. He told me to call you. Don't do anything stupid! Will you meet with the Bishop?" He agreed to wait for the Bishop and I called his sister and told her how worried I was. I knew he needed someone to be with him and I knew it couldn't be me. She jumped in her car and went straight there. I couldn't get a hold of the Bishop. It turned out he was out of town but the ward secretary could sense the urgency and hear the emotion in my voice and he called me back to let me know that the Stake President was on his way to meet with him.
    That entire day I was guided. Every second of that day was like an out of body experience. Nothing I did, nothing I said came from me. It was an experience I will never forget. That day I learned a lesson I will never forget : No matter who you are or what you've done, you are His and He loves you. I had so much anger for Nic not only for what he'd done but for lying to me about it. In the past I had snap judged people like Nic and thought they were just bad people and they probably deserved what they got. That day I was told by Heavenly Father, Himself, that Nic mattered to Him. Heavenly Father had a plan for Nic that didn't involve him ending his life despite what he'd done. I don't care who you are or what you've done I KNOW Heavenly Father loves you! I KNOW you are worth something! As long as I live I can never deny the power that I felt that day testifying to me of our individual worth to Him. Not only was I point blank told He loved Nic I was also given answers to my prayers. He had words put in my mouth. I knew that Heavenly Father did love me and my kids enough to tell me the truth so that I could protect them. I knew that He cared because He took an entire day to guide and direct me. I was guided and there are so many other people on this planet that He has to watch over and yet here I was this one imperfect person being guided with this power from Heaven. My problems, my life, and my kids mattered to Him. He was aware of us.
      Put your faith in Him and let Him guide your life. There is hope for you! He will guide you back. I testify that He is real. I heard Him that day. His love is real. I felt it that day. I pray and hope that if you don't feel His love that you will read this and maybe feel a spark of His love for you. I pray and hope that you nourish that spark and let it grow. I challenge you to kneel in prayer to Him and ask Him if He loves you. I know what you will feel if you do.