Back to the Beginning

Tonight the rain is pouring outside my window while I'm tucked safely inside my cozy, little basement apartment. Tonight that same rain seems to be reflecting the feelings of my heart. The last few days my heart has been constantly weeping for the loss of my mom. I get up, get the kids to school, run my errands and do my daily tasks, pick up my kids and I smile and play with them, I tuck them in bed and kiss their sweet cheeks trying to soak in every ounce of their goodness and in return give them all of the love I have, and then the tears my heart has been silently crying all day are finally free to slide down my cheeks. Tonight it is time to write again. Tonight I am going to take it back to the beginning.... 

The cooler temperatures of the fall seem to be bringing back vivid memories to my mind. It was this time last year that I moved to Utah. I didn't know then that the months of September and October would be my last two months spent with my mom before she would become dependent on me. We spent those two months in the same manner that we usually spent time together. We were oblivious to the poison inside her body that would soon take her life. Ignorance was bliss.

There is one particular night in September that sticks out to me. Remember the lice my daughter had had the previous spring? Turns out she actually had SUPER lice! Apparently super lice cannot be killed with over-the-counter lice treatments. On this September evening I discovered that not only did she have it, but so did all of my boys! I was distraught. I could not do lice anymore. My mom and I took the boys out back and completely shaved off all their hair. We worked late into the night bagging up all of the pillows, washing the linens, vacuuming, and combing through hair. We decided we better check our own hair as well. My mom and I took turns combing through each other's hair using a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass (keep in mind we both have very thick heads of hair). Any of you who have dealt with lice before will know what a painstakingly slow process it is to thoroughly check for lice. Seeing as it was now our third go around with lice in six months time (thank you super lice) my mom and I decided to also chemically treat our hair despite not seeing any sign of lice. We were determined to be done once and for all with all things lice! 2 a.m. rolls around and we are both sitting at the kitchen table with this gross chemical treatment in our hair. Out of nowhere I started to sob uncontrollably. Shocked my mom said, "Buggins, what's wrong?" (side note: we're a nickname family) I couldn't get the words to make sense I was crying so hard. I was trying to say, "I'm so tired of hard." It sounded so ridiculous and I felt like a child crying like that that I then began to laugh but I was also still crying. I was legitimately hard core crying and full on laughing at the same time. I have never experienced anything like it prior to that experience or in the days following. I felt like a full on lunatic. "I think you're having a nervous breakdown" was my mom's response through her own laughter. At two in the morning we were sitting at the kitchen table with gunk in our hair, simultaneously laughing and crying like babies who can't decide if they should laugh or cry, except that we were full grown adults. That is one thing I loved best about my mom, she was always a person I didn't have to be anything but me with. I could act like a crazy woman having a premature midlife crisis at 28 and she didn't care. She unconditionally embraced my crazy and always brought hers to the party. Somehow that terrible night has become a treasured and cherished memory. A memory of acceptance and love from a mother to a daughter. There are times I'd give anything to be back in that hard, uncomfortable, kitchen chair with smelly chemicals in my hair. 

The beginning of October I started taking a CNA course. Classes were from 9-2, Monday-Friday all month long. During this time my oldest two kids were in school but my youngest two were not. My mom had agreed to watch my little ones for the month. That month was a priceless treasure for my then four year old. He got so much more attention from grandma that he didn't normally get when the bigger kids were around. They spent many of those beautiful fall days going for walks. The baby has more energy than most people know what to do with and as the month of October progressed, my mom began to experience extreme fatigue. A lingering cough she had had since the spring began to worsen. When she was tired of chasing my youngest around she would buckle him in the stroller where he would be confined and my four year old would walk along beside her. Despite her exhaustion it was usually easier for her to manage a walk than chase the two year old around at home. She never let me know just how bad she was feeling but despite her best efforts to hide it I knew something was wrong. I felt guilty leaving her with my kids but she insisted and at that point there was only a couple more weeks left, therefore, daily walks with my boys became the norm. 

It was on these walks that my four year old formed a bond with her that is quite remarkable. Because of all of the changes from the divorce and the high demands placed on me, he was struggling a bit to be seen. The two of them would walk and talk. She would point out things about nature to him and before long he suggested they start saying prayers on their walks. This tickled her. He would say, "Grandma, Grandma stop we need to say another prayer". She would patiently stop and listen to him pray for his sister and then they'd walk a little further before he would ask her to stop again to pray for someone else. This went on and on the whole walk until he had stopped and said a prayer for every member of our family. My mom cherished these walks and I believe they were a small step in preparing her for what was to come. I know they were a huge step in healing my little boy's heart. 

One day I came home a bit early and discovered the house empty and the stroller gone. Knowing they must be on one of their walks I walked out front to wait for them. Sure enough there they were walking towards me on the other side of the street. My mom was pushing the baby, my four year old was walking eagerly beside her, and they were looking at each other discussing something with smiles on their faces. The sun shone perfectly behind them so that their silhouette's were crisply outlined against the sky. A gentle breeze scattered leaves along the road and ruffled my hair when I distinctly heard, "remember this moment" whispered in my mind. Time stood still for just a fleeting moment. I willed myself to soak it all in, to memorize the way they looked, the way I felt, the sound of their distant laughter, every single bit of it I tried to commit to memory. Tears sprang to my eyes and in that moment I knew....

That was the last walk she ever took with my boys. From that day on, deep in my soul I knew that the "lingering cough" would eventually take her life. The next time I came home from school she showed me her pillowcase. It was speckled with blood from coughing in the night. That was the beginning of the end of her mortal life. 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss her presence.

 Even though I love the changing leaves and crisp air, this fall has been painful for me because this year the changing leaves and crisp air acts like a trigger on a gun where the ammo is a bunch of bittersweet memories. Memories that I know I have to share, I have to let out somehow because if I keep them in I'll drown in them. Some of them are too painful to keep locked away, stuffed inside. Some of them are too beautiful to keep to myself. Grief is funny like that; pain and beauty intertwine until sometimes you don't know where the beauty stops and the pain begins. So like the trees in autumn I'm shedding my memories like falling leaves. Some of the leaves are ugly, dead, and brown, rotting on the ground. However, most of the leaves from my tree are vibrant oranges, reds, and golds; you see most of my memories are more beautiful than painful. To know my mom, to care for my mom, to love my mom and be loved by her in return, that is more beautiful than any autumn leaf! How fortunate that life is eternal and that like the tree that loses it's leaves every fall, new memories will come forth like fresh leaves growing in the spring!

                                                Treating her hair for lice. lol

                                              Grandma time with the little boys

                               

Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

Crossing the Ocean

All summer long I have looked for a job to no avail. I'd submitted application after application and landed some interviews only for them to offer the job to someone more qualified. I'd even been offered a couple of jobs but I couldn't make the schedule work with school and my kids. Things just weren't lining up right. About a month ago I was driving home from yet another job interview and was reflecting on how I thought it went. They loved me and I was pretty confident I was going to get offered the job. (I was offered the job). I had no reason to doubt and I was feeling content. As I was driving the distinct thought, "Utah" popped into my mind. Just Utah by itself. I knew exactly what it meant. My mom lives in Utah and has a basement apartment. It was always a backup option for me but I was determined to not use it. I pushed the thought aside and didn't give it anymore time. A couple of weeks after that my sister and I were talking casually as we laid out in the sun and watched the kids swim and she mentioned something about Utah. What was this? Quit it! I didn't want to move to Utah! My kids lives were here in Idaho. My life was here in Idaho. Again I refused to accept that as an answer for me.
  It took a couple more weeks for me to hit reality square in the face of what Heavenly Father not only wanted me to do but needed me to do. It became quite clear that I COULD NOT under any circumstance provide for my little family up here in Idaho. Things I had hoped would pan out didn't and I found myself with no other choice it seemed. I called up my brother Bryon and had him come over and consult with me. I wanted to double check my reasoning and make sure I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't missing anything. He came over and confirmed what I had already thought and gave me another priesthood blessing. I was devastated at just the idea of moving! I couldn't imagine leaving behind all of the people who had been such a support to me through such a difficult time. I got in my car and took the kids for a drive around the lake so I could think. I had the music playing in the background and a song came on the radio that changed things for me.

          "Home" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

   As I listened to the lyrics I knew Utah would become home to my little family. I had flashbacks to when I had lived there before and there was something comforting about going back. The movie "Hope Floats" came to my mind and I just knew Utah was where my little family was supposed to start over. In that moment I did feel like I was coming full circle and returning home to my roots.

   As with any major decision I wanted to be 100% sure it was what Heavenly Father wanted. (Even though He had made it pretty clear). I told Heavenly Father what I had decided and I fasted that if for some reason I was supposed to stay in Idaho it would be made known to me. I made arrangements to attend the temple as soon as I could. A couple of days later I sat in the Celestial room pondering and praying for confirmation. I kept asking, "Am I supposed to go to Utah?" A mother and her young son were hugging and tenderly conversing and it caught my eye. He had gone through the temple for the first time that day and their joy was obvious. My question suddenly changed. "Where do I have to go and what to I have to do to get my kids to be in the Celestial room with me?" Bingo! The answers came flooding! Some of the answers I heard are too sacred to share publicly but basically what I heard was, "Utah, go to Utah".  The words "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord" came into my mind and I knew I needed to submit my will to His once more. Faith, trust, and hope filled my heart as I promised to Him that I would obey and move to Utah.

   So after 10 years away, to the month, I am making plans to return home to Utah. My pride has been swallowed and it has been a bittersweet decision. I have had the support of ALL of my family and friends including the kids dad. There are absolutely no words adequate enough to say how I feel about all of the wonderful people I have met and who have been a part of our daily lives during these ten years in Idaho. My ward family, my young women, my friends, Nic's friends, and all of our family. I have been beyond blessed with wonderful people to surround me in Idaho! My life is forever changed because of each and every one of them!

   Honestly I'm scared as hell sometimes! Moving four little ones as a single mom is a daunting task! Helping them adjust to a new life while trying to do the same makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out. Not seeing all the same faces that I know and trust so regularly breaks my heart. How am I possibly going to do this? Then I remember that Heavenly Father told me to do it. When has he ever led me wrong? When has he ever left me alone? Never! He hasn't, not once! Change is crazy hard. I have been pinning quotes on Pinterest like it is going out of style, trying to keep positive thoughts flowing about this change. There is much to be excited about!  I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting in a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. This change is necessary. How am I ever going to grow and claim all of the blessings He has to offer me if I live in fear? If I never take this chance to follow His path for me who knows what I'll miss? This is my chance to be brave. My chance to be fearless. I'm silencing my fears and my negative thoughts and I'm embracing the future!

   

 
  This will not be the end Idaho peeps! Idaho will always have a special place in my heart and I love each and every one of you! Thank you, thank you ,thank you for all of the love you've extended to my family over the years!

I've been waiting for you!

    The end of a relationship can be scary and confusing especially if that relationship ended unexpectedly. I continued to go to the counselor at LDS services for a few months without Nic. I had already decided there was no hope for the marriage but there were so many conflicting, lingering feelings. I often felt so lost and confused but once I started talking to my counselor he helped me see that I already knew the answers. He was a great listener and it was life saving to have someone neutral with no personal investment to hash it out with. One of my biggest fears that we addressed was how to avoid getting in a toxic relationship again. I had been very deeply hurt and my wounds were still so raw. I was TERRIFIED of relationships. I didn't want one ever again! I was fully prepared to focus on my schooling and advance myself in the career of my choice and be completely content to devote all of my free time to my kids. After a few sessions of talking about this topic finally my counselor just came out with it, he gently said, "Is that really what you want? One day you could be very happy in a relationship. Relationships are hard but they aren't usually as hard as yours was." The wall I had been building up came crashing down and tears streamed down my face, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so forgiving and nonjudgmental that I don't usually view someone's past as red flags or warning signs. Everyone has a past so how do I know they are sincerely a good person?" What he said next is something I will not forget when the time comes for me to date. He said, "It's true that everyone has a past. What matters is that you pay attention to who he is now and his motives. Is he still in the process of figuring out who he is or does he know who he is? Is he going to church more now because of you or has he been going consistently for a block of time before you? He should have a desire in him to be better than he was yesterday before you even enter the picture." I found this to be pretty sound advice. It seemed to just click with me deep down. It's such a simple concept I had heard before but my fear had completely clouded my ability to understand it as it applied to me.
   I left that session that day with hope for my future. For the first time since I received the awful news in January I began to believe I could have another relationship again and this time it would be better. For the first time in months I began to trust myself and my judgment. Most importantly I began to realize that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and shutting down in fear and bitterness was not in the blueprints. I began to heal that day.
  Here I am months later and I just attended the temple yesterday and as I sat in the Celestial room I was reminded again that Heavenly Father is directing my paths. I received many deeply personal and sacred revelations as I meditated there with a prayer in my heart. The veil felt very thin and it was almost as if I could see my life unfolding. There are no words adequate enough to describe the love one can feel from Heavenly Father in the temple.
   If you have been hurt it is so scary to let those walls down. Trust me I know. I also know I wasn't really happy being cynical. My life was being run by my fear. Thankfully, because I had a good counselor, it didn't take me too long to realize that wasn't a way to live. Marriage is tough but it was always meant to be a blessing to us. Since Adam and Eve it was always intended to enrich our lives and help us obtain eternal salvation. We were never meant to go through life alone. Let down your walls! Be brave and fearless and let God's wisdom direct you in the relationships you choose. Personal prayer and revelation can and should guide you to make wise decisions provided you are obedient to the revelations you receive. Old habits sometimes make me doubt how much I deserve a happy relationship. "Is it really possible for me? What do I have to offer that is so special?" Those thoughts come from Satan! Whenever I kneel in prayer or attend the temple those thoughts dissipate as quickly as they formed. Heavenly Father always reminds me of my worth and what I have to offer and what a relationship has to offer me. Satan wants us to be miserable. He wants us to be alone and bitter. Don't let him in! You are a child of God with unique and divine attributes and you are worth loving! I have seen far too many people get out of a bad relationship with little to no self esteem left. Be proud of who you are because of where you came from. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND YOU DESERVE ALL OF THE BLESSINGS HEAVENLY FATHER HAS TO OFFER SO CLAIM THEM! I realize that His timing is different than our timing. Sometimes we have to wait much longer than we have wanted but don't allow a bad attitude to hide the opportunities that He may be trying to present to you.
    I don't know His timing for me. I could be single until I'm sixty. What I do know is that at some point, whether in this life or the next, I will have the opportunity to find my forever sweetheart. When that opportunity comes I'm not going to let depression and fear keep me from jumping in with both feet exclaiming, "I've been waiting for you!"
 

The Unimaginable

    Nic confessed to me on a Thursday. The following Monday we went to a counseling appointment at LDS services. The counselor was incredible! I felt like he really understood me and then he would turn and talk to Nic and I felt like he had so much compassion for him. How he balanced both of our crazy emotions is beyond me. The counselor encouraged Nic to turn himself in to the authorities. Afterwards Nic and I got in my car and talked some more. More details began coming out about what had happened. The counselor really made Nic feel comfortable and he began spilling secrets like a leaky faucet. I was flabbergasted! I thought I already knew it all, how could there be more? I don't even remember what I said to Nic but I do remember I didn't cry. Once we were in our own separate vehicles and driving home the tears came.
   Since it was evident we weren't getting back together and some truths were out in the open I felt it was time to tell our friends what was happening. Most of our family already knew and had been praying and fasting for us. Nic and I had a close group of friends and they knew something was up with us. It was time they knew too. It was so hard to tell some of them. They were Nic's best friends. He had one friend in particular that he spent a lot of time with. I dreaded telling him. I learned a couple of things from telling family and friends. These are things that I already knew intellectually but they are now written on my heart.  1. When you make a really bad choice it is absolutely devastating to EVERYONE that loves you. The ripples of pain that it can cause is excruciating. 2.Sometimes it's worse to be the person not directly affected by a bad choice. Sometimes it kills you to watch it from the outside and not know what to do. When you really love and care about a person it is painful to watch them hurt, to know they're suffering and you can't do anything about it. This experience has cemented a lot of my relationships. I have had family, friends, and even acquaintances bleed for me and my little family.
    Days were going by and Nic still wasn't turning himself in. I was concerned because without some sort of evidence or confession we still didn't have any sort of case to go on. Yes he had confessed to me but it wasn't enough to prosecute him. Even though he was saying he was sorry I couldn't trust it and I knew something more needed to happen or he would get visitation with the kids without supervision. I had the hardest time wrapping my brain around his motives. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't turning himself in if he was really, truly sorry and repentant. If I had done something that horrific to one of my kids I would be turning myself in so fast and in complete despair. His words and his actions started to say different things. I'm not sure what happened to that Nic who was suicidal and felt Godly sorrow. I have wondered if Satan started placing other thoughts in his head that caused him to start justifying his actions. I held another fast that I would be able to protect my kids and that Nic would turn himself in.
    A couple more days went by and still Nic hadn't done it. I woke up one morning and was taking a shower when a very clear thought came to me, "you need to record him." I had already done that and failed. I continued getting ready and I couldn't shake the impression that I needed to record his confession that very day. He'd already said it all once and I didn't know if he would trust me enough to say it all over again. He knew that I felt really strongly about him turning himself in to the authorities. I called him within the hour and made arrangements to meet him that night at his parents house after the kids went to bed. That day dragged on and on. I was so nervous!! I wasn't a spy or an undercover agent, why did I think I could do this? We weren't meeting at a public place and what if he discovered that I was recording him? I would have to put the recording device fairly close to where he would be sitting. Finally the time came to head over there. When I got about a block away I pulled over and hit record then hid the device on a built in shelf right underneath the car stereo. I couldn't stop shaking. I said a prayer to calm my nerves and that once again I would be able to say the right things. I called to let him know I was close and he came out. I parked in front of the house and I started the conversation by talking about some logistics. We needed to file taxes. At some point I began to ask him questions about our daughter. The questions came out effortlessly and the conversation flowed smoothly and calmly. A few times he moved his hand close to that center shelf and my heart rate would quicken a little. He never did find the device and when he got out of the car I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten him to repeat clearly and in detail all of the abuse. I should say the Lord had done it. He really was the one who had guided me and told me what to say. I was about a block away when Nic called. "Hey I was just wondering did you by chance record me?" My stomach twisted and my blood pressure spiked. "Crap he knows. What do I do?" I panicked. I was only a block away and I was really afraid for my safety at that moment. I don't know if he would've done anything to me but I had seen his anger and wrath before. Flashes of 20/20 episodes came to mind, this was stuff people killed over. "No, I didn't record you."  I drove towards home in record time. I wanted to put distance between us. I later felt so guilty about lying, even if it was to protect my kids, that once I turned in a copy of the recording to the authorities I called Nic and told him what I'd done.
   Since that day I've listened to that recording only twice. It does not even sound like my voice. My voice sounds so calm and soothing with very little inflection. Again I was guided. I still look back on those experiences in complete awe. I can't believe that was me, not a spy, not a detective but me. It is amazing what we are capable of when Heavenly Father is guiding us!!! He can transform us into anything we need to be. I in no way think I am on the same platform as Nephi but I couldn't help but think about Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. He had never killed a man before and he didn't want to slay Laban. It seemed to be so contrary to Nephi's basic nature and demeanor to kill a man. He doubted his ability to follow the command. The spirit reassured him and gave him the command again. Nephi was able to do the unthinkable with the help of the Lord. I felt strongly that I had done the unthinkable. It is not my nature to be sneaky and secretive. In both instances there was a greater good to be accomplished. Had I ignored that prompting to record Nic my kids would be at risk and Nic wouldn't be getting the help he really needs. Sometimes faith requires doing the unimaginable. When we trust in Him we can be transformed and given special gifts and talents that we don't normally possess. I learned a powerful lesson about faith that night.

  
   

Humbly Listening

      I know that I can't be the only one who feels frustrated when answers don't seem to come quick enough. I had a rough few days where I felt bogged down with responsibility and pressure. I had been praying and praying for answers. Which job should I apply for? Who will care for my babies? Why can't I find a job? Should I take on more classes? Please, why isn't my house selling? Where will we live?  etc. etc.  I began to get really frustrated. Why wasn't I feeling any strong inspiration about any of these things? Finally I resigned myself to the idea that I just needed to keep being patient. That must be what I was supposed to learn.
   A few days ago one of my closest friend's sons received his mission call. Like a lot of missionaries families do they asked us to guess where he was going. I had made my guesses well in advance. The day his mission call came in the mail was so exciting. They had decided to open it later that evening with their family. Shortly before they opened it I was on my way to pick up a babysitter and I was blasting some country music, enjoying a short drive to the babysitter's house alone when a thought popped into my head. "North Carolina". I turned down the music and as soon as I pulled up to the babysitter's house I texted my friend and said, "I don't know why but I think I need to change my guess to North Carolina. It just popped in my head." I went on with my day. I picked up the sitter and my mom and I went grocery shopping. When I got home from the store I saw the text, "North Carolina, Charlotte mission." What?!?!? I was so excited for them but I couldn't figure out why I would get revelation about his mission. I actually got kind of annoyed. Seriously Heavenly Father, I am going to get revelation about this but not things I have been praying for that directly affect my life?! The next day the thought came to me, "Don't you see, Celeste, it's not about his mission. I have been giving you answers and revelation about your life the whole time and you doubted your ability to receive it."
   I was humbled. Heavenly Father had never left me without answers. I had "thoughts" and answers come to me often but had doubted that they were revelation. His mission call was a sure way Heavenly Father could prove to me that I could receive revelation and the right answers. When I was stubborn and blind to His answers He found a way to prove to me that the answers had been there all along. He could have left me in my stubbornness to eventually figure it out but He didn't. Tears filled my eyes as I realized how ungrateful and blind I had been. It was such a simple thing and through it He taught me a lesson. Listen. Trust. Those thoughts that come to my mind are often revelation. I don't need to overthink it so much. I feel so grateful for such a small, tender mercy that reminded me that He is constantly communicating to me.
  I can remember one particular time when I had heard a voice, an answer to a prayer and I didn't listen. I doubted my ability to receive personal revelation. I overanalyzed that answer and only further confused myself until I finally convinced myself what the answer was. I was wrong and unfortunately it caused a lot of pain. I have a tendency to do that, obviously. I overanalyze and get inside my head when the answer was already there the whole time. So I think it's good to have a reminder once in a while. I found this on pinterest and I've seen similar things at church before. The difference between God's voice and Satan's when it comes to personal revelation:

 

 

 

    I don't know why I find this so hard to remember. Satan is sneaky, he makes us question things and we begin to worry and obsess which leads to discouragement and ultimately we are pushed or rushed into a bad decision. When I reflect on this list it seems so obvious which is which. So why do we get so easily confused sometimes? I think for me it all starts with one thought. "What if you're making a mistake?" It's no secret I can be a pleaser. I want to always make everyone happy and always make all the right decisions so everyone will be proud of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone especially Heavenly Father. I put all of this pressure on myself to make the perfect decision. So I question and I wonder. Maybe it's different for you. Maybe something else is your weakness and causes you to make a bad choice or forgo the answers you've received. I challenge you to think about the ways Satan gets to you. What does he do to get you to question truth and light? Once you figure it out make a conscience effort to block his tactics. Trust in your Heavenly Father and humbly listen. If we are doing all we can He will not lead us astray or give us false answers. Sometimes our answer is to have patience. However, sometimes we already have the answer right in front of us and we refuse to recognize it.

   When I saw this list again all of these answers came flooding to me. I reflected on how I felt and the thoughts I had when I had made a particular decision or entertained one. All of a sudden the answers seemed to come easy to me. I still have a lot of decisions ahead of me to make but it is my hope that now that I've been reminded of these things that I will be more humble and wise in making those decisions.

 

 

    



Guided

*DISCLAIMER :THE NATURE OF THE THINGS IN THIS POST ARE VERY SACRED TO ME. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. I ALMOST DIDN'T SHARE IT BECAUSE IT IS SO SPECIAL TO ME SO PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL*

    Now that I had been prompted that Nic was lying to me I made a big decision. I decided to meet with a divorce attorney and file for a divorce. Just calling this high powered attorney intimidated me. I was so nervous. I drove downtown to his office and started the process. I felt so out of place in this really professional, upscale office. I was used to t-shirts, jeans, and a ponytail. As a stay at home mom I was totally out of my element. I went back into the conference room and began filling out paperwork when I heard my attorney start singing in the other room, "chains and chains of angel hair, ice cream castles in the air". My thought process went a little like this, "What? That was weird. I'm in an upscale law firm and my high powered attorney is singing a song my dad used to sing. A song I've never heard anyone but my dad sing." Later I was writing out the check for the retainer fee and all of a sudden in the background I heard, "Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban on the radio. I laughed out loud and the receptionist looked at me like I was crazy. I really think she thought I was losing it. I looked at her and said, "I'm sorry it's just I find it ironic that I'm filing for divorce and our song comes on the radio." Those were the first of many ironies during this process.
    I was on my way home driving on the freeway and I was nearing the exit that would take me to Nic's parents house, which is where he was staying during this time, and a clear voice said, " You need to go talk to Nic right now. Take that exit!" I had never planned on talking to Nic that day and my mom was expecting me but I got off of the exit anyway. I called my mom and told her what I was doing and she was a little apprehensive but I told her it felt right. As I neared Nic's parents house I called him and asked if he was home (he was supposed to be out of town for work) and if we could talk. I prayed the whole way there. "Heavenly Father why am I supposed to talk to him? I don't know what to say? I don't want to talk to him right now." As soon as I turned onto the right street a wave of calm washed over me. Nic was waiting out front and he got in the passenger side of the car. I didn't know until the minute I opened my mouth what I was supposed to say. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. Heavenly Father put the words right in my mouth. "I filed for divorce today. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel like you're being dishonest with me." Again he denied having done anything to our daughter. Finally I looked at him and said with tears in my eyes, "Nic don't you think Heavenly Father loves her enough that he wants it to stop? He wants the truth to come forth. Don't you realize that He loves our kids and wants them protected? Don't you realize that He loves me and He is answering my prayers for truth? I have tried my best to be obedient and faithful and He has spoken to me before about things you've done why would this be any different?" Silence. Finally Nic a little teary eyed got out of the car. As I drove away I could see him in my rearview mirror still standing there on the curb looking depressed. For the first time during this process I was really worried about him. He never confessed in the car what he had done but he stopped denying it.
   When I got home my mom was feeding the kids dinner. We said prayer and were just about to eat and I couldn't stop thinking about the way Nic looked standing on that curb. Something was really wrong. I felt sick to my stomach. He was going to do something stupid. The spirit told me, "You need to call him". I didn't want to I was still mad he was being dishonest. I had a brief thought that I could ignore that prompting and let him do something stupid than I wouldn't have to worry about him. The second I thought it I heard very loudly, "That would be wrong!! He is MINE and he is worth something to me, go call him now!!!!" Chastised and humbled I now felt panicked. What if I didn't get a hold of him in time? I rushed out of the room and went outside to the front porch and called him with a sickening sense of urgency. He answered!!!! All I could hear was sobs on the other end. Nic, who rarely cried, was audibly sobbing. He almost couldn't speak he was crying so hard. "There's so many things you don't know. I'm sorry for what I did. I never wanted to hurt her. " It was hard to make sense of it all. That day happened so fast. He wasn't making much sense. "Nic where are you?" He had gone for a drive and ended up at our church parking lot. I found out he had the guns with him. "Stay there, I'm sending help. You have to know it's never too late for you. Heavenly Father loves you. He told me to call you. Don't do anything stupid! Will you meet with the Bishop?" He agreed to wait for the Bishop and I called his sister and told her how worried I was. I knew he needed someone to be with him and I knew it couldn't be me. She jumped in her car and went straight there. I couldn't get a hold of the Bishop. It turned out he was out of town but the ward secretary could sense the urgency and hear the emotion in my voice and he called me back to let me know that the Stake President was on his way to meet with him.
    That entire day I was guided. Every second of that day was like an out of body experience. Nothing I did, nothing I said came from me. It was an experience I will never forget. That day I learned a lesson I will never forget : No matter who you are or what you've done, you are His and He loves you. I had so much anger for Nic not only for what he'd done but for lying to me about it. In the past I had snap judged people like Nic and thought they were just bad people and they probably deserved what they got. That day I was told by Heavenly Father, Himself, that Nic mattered to Him. Heavenly Father had a plan for Nic that didn't involve him ending his life despite what he'd done. I don't care who you are or what you've done I KNOW Heavenly Father loves you! I KNOW you are worth something! As long as I live I can never deny the power that I felt that day testifying to me of our individual worth to Him. Not only was I point blank told He loved Nic I was also given answers to my prayers. He had words put in my mouth. I knew that Heavenly Father did love me and my kids enough to tell me the truth so that I could protect them. I knew that He cared because He took an entire day to guide and direct me. I was guided and there are so many other people on this planet that He has to watch over and yet here I was this one imperfect person being guided with this power from Heaven. My problems, my life, and my kids mattered to Him. He was aware of us.
      Put your faith in Him and let Him guide your life. There is hope for you! He will guide you back. I testify that He is real. I heard Him that day. His love is real. I felt it that day. I pray and hope that if you don't feel His love that you will read this and maybe feel a spark of His love for you. I pray and hope that you nourish that spark and let it grow. I challenge you to kneel in prayer to Him and ask Him if He loves you. I know what you will feel if you do.

Just Enough

    I'm a side sleeper and I usually wake up on my right side. So the next morning when I woke up the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was this picture in a cute frame that said forever on it.

 

I couldn't move. The day before all came rushing back to me. "Yesterday really happened. I am not dreaming, this is real." I had a pit in my stomach as I stared at Nic's face. He looked so happy and full of light. How could we have gotten to this point? I promised him forever and I wanted to spend forever with him but it looked like that would not be happening anymore. My body felt like lead and tears welled in my eyes. My sister was still asleep downstairs on the couch and my house was still quiet. I don't know how long I laid there and softy cried onto my pillow. I felt completely alone in that moment. Darkness took over and I could feel the hopelessness and depression kick in. I had an eye exam, of all things, that morning so finally I sat up. I really couldn't afford to miss this eye exam because I was on my last pair of contacts. When I sat up I saw a different picture.

 

When my sister had come back over the night before with her overnight bag she also brought this picture and put it on an easel in the corner of my room. "I want you to look at this and remember who has you." She said. That morning as I saw this picture tears filled my eyes again but this time with hope. "I am not alone. I can do this. He has me." I was able to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.
       I went to my eye exam in a daze. It was so weird to go out in public and realize that life was still going on like normal for everybody else. I had experienced this sensation once before when I lost my dad. It felt like everybody should stop and life should stand still because my life as I knew it had stopped. I can only imagine what I looked like or what the optometrist thought as he examined my blood shot eyes from crying all night. I felt and probably looked like a zombie.
      Later that afternoon my friend Tory came over again and watched the kids so I could attend the temple with my brother, sister, and brother-in-law. My brother picked me up and we all rode together to the Boise Temple. It was a Saturday afternoon and the weather was nice. Oddly enough one of the things that stuck out to me the most from that day was the way my brother treated me. He opened ALL of the doors for me. It's such a little thing but it seemed so strange to me because Nic wasn't in the habit of opening the doors for me. I guess after a while I had forgotten what that felt like. I remember thinking I was being shown more respect from my brother that day than I had felt from Nic in a long time.
      The minute I walked into the endowment room I heard VERY clearly, "you need to go to school and pursue a nursing degree." Okay. Random. Things were so fresh still and the accusations against Nic weren't even proven yet. I didn't even know where the truth was and that is what I needed to hear? Over time I have come to be very grateful for that answer to a problem I hadn't even thought about yet. I feel very strongly that Heavenly Father didn't want me to have to worry about that on top of everything else He knew I was going to have to do. What a blessing that answer has been to me. School has been the one thing so far that I haven't had to question or wait for answers.
     My sister and I held hands during the temple session and just wept. I needed the answers. I needed to know if what they said Nic had done was true. In my heart I felt sorrowful because I had a feeling it was true. Nic had a rough childhood I guess you could say. He made some mistakes and had fought really hard to overcome them. I ached for it to not be true. I didn't want all of that work he did to be for naught. I ached because I knew the pain he had gone through. He often opened up to me about his trials and I thought because of what he'd been through he would never do anything like this. I cried for my kids. Especially for my daughter. If this wasn't true than what had happened to her to make her say such a thing? What had my poor little girl endured and I had no clue? What must she have felt and gone through? On the flip side if this was in fact true than I was so proud of her for being brave and telling someone. I was amazed that she at 7 years old felt she could speak up and tell someone. I was amazed that she hadn't shown any signs of depression despite what she must have experienced.
    Going to the temple that day was the best thing I could have done. The comfort it provided was desperately needed. The answers I received were critical. The time to reflect and contemplate was essential. I truly believe had I not gone to the temple that very next day that this would have all played out very differently. I am so thankful for the temple. Honestly speaking I didn't always love attending the temple. I don't know quite why but I would always kind of dread attending. I think it was a combination of things that made me feel uncomfortable about attending (nothing that happens in the temple) but since that day I feel so much excitement when I have an opportunity to attend and feel that spirit that is unique to the temple.
    Between the picture my sister brought over and the opportunity to attend the temple I didn't feel alone that day either. I had moments like that morning where I felt alone. I still struggled with so many emotions but I was given just enough strength to keep moving forward. I think sometimes Heavenly Father doesn't bless us abundantly with strength and courage, sometimes He gives us just enough. I think He wants us to remember we need Him and to come to Him often. If we ask He will always help us but He wants us to keep learning and growing so He only gives us enough gas to get to a certain destination. Once we get to that destination we have to stop and ask Him for more gas to get to the next destination. One thing at a time.

Isaiah 28:10
For precept must be upon
precept, precept upon
precept ; line upon line, line
upon line ; here a little, and
there a little:
  
Be patient with Heavenly Father as He is with us. The answers will come on His timing. He will help you with what He knows you need help with in that moment nothing more. He wants you to keep coming back to Him and then He will help you with the next thing. It is my testimony that He loves us beyond measure and that He knows what is better for us than we do. We need to trust in Him and His methods. This is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to remember as I am a very impatient person. I want answers now! I feel entitled sometimes like I went to the temple and said my prayers, I've been faithful so I've earned all the answers. I have to humble myself daily to His methods and have patience with His plan for me. When I humble myself sufficiently I am given just enough to make me strong for the time needed. Let just enough be enough.

 

 

 

 

Upside Down

        On January 23rd my whole world was turned upside down in one moment, one instant. One sentence changed everything. "Mrs. Butterfield your daughter said your husband has been touching her inappropriately." CPS and a detective were at my door talking to me. My mind was racing. "This can't be happening, my kids are going to be home from school any minute. This isn't real."
         I have debated about blogging about this and my life moving forward for months. The idea first came to me after reading Ashlee Birk's blog, The Moments We Stand. Her blog was so helpful to me and I loved the way she told her story without making it a "poor me" situation. Due to the sensitive nature of my story I told myself no it needs to stay private. It's not just my story either. It's my kids story. It's my ex's story. It's everybody's story who loves us and was affected by this. So I said no. The nagging feeling kept coming back to me to blog. Then one day my brother gave me a priesthood blessing (I'm LDS, you can learn more about my faith and my beliefs at lds.org) and I was told I needed to share my story to help others. Tears streamed down my face. I hadn't even talked to my brother about my thoughts of a blog or sharing my story. Still I pushed it away. "Heavenly Father are you sure this is right? Are you sure the whole world needs to know this? Will my kids be okay if I share this? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of hurting people by telling this story. I'm afraid I'm doing the wrong thing." Again I pushed it aside. Last night I said a prayer, "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing Heavenly Father. This is so hard and so overwhelming. I don't want to be a single parent. I need a job. I need to be happy and make good choices but I don't know what those choices are supposed to be." Again the thought came, "Share your story. Share your testimony. Help others. The rest will fall into place." I needed to think about it. I didn't want to share my story with EVERYONE. Today my sister texted me and said, "Brad and I think you should start a blog." Okay! Okay! I hear you loud and clear Heavenly Father. So here I am putting myself out there. Putting my entire family and extended family out there trusting that He knows better than I do.
      DISCLAIMER:  Let me be clear before I blog anything more that I will not tolerate name calling of my kid's father. What he did was despicable, yes, but he is still my children's father. He is a child of God and he is loved by God. Do I respect what he's done? No! Do I love him still? Not romantically certainly. I will NEVER defend or support his actions. However, he is important to Heavenly Father. A scripture comes to mind: Luke 15:4 " What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? " And Luke 15:10 "Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth." It is my belief that my ex is a "lost sheep". It is not my job to save him but it is my job to forgive him. Please have respect for my family and my beliefs on this matter.  Lecture over.
      These last 5 months I have learned more about the atonement and my relationship with Heavenly Father than I ever thought possible. I have seen miracles. I have literally had Heavenly Father put words in my mouth. I have cried many nights. I have been overwhelmed. I have found happiness again. I have been grounded. I have become stronger than I ever dreamed. I have watched my daughter grow and forgive and handle adult situations with a maturity I'm not even sure I possess. I have come to know the goodness and charity of others is REAL. Every day brings something new and a new lesson learned. Through it all I find pure love and joy unlike anything I've ever known. I am a Daughter of a Heavenly Father and I blog to share my testimony. I blog to let others know they aren't alone. I blog to make someone else's burden a little lighter. If my story can help just one person I will have succeeded. So to that one person Heavenly Father is mindful of you. It is my testimony that  WE. ARE. ALL. LOVED.  Let that sink in a minute. Even in the darkest moments of your life when you feel so alone and your world is turned upside down you can be braver, stronger, and fearless.