Because He Lives

I've been feeling for a few weeks now that I need to write about my dad and his passing. With Easter Sunday quickly approaching I think it's become even more relevant to share this particular story. It's a very difficult thing for me to be so publicly open about because those memories are so special and sacred to me but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I need to share. A portion of this I have already shared in a different post, "Not as I will, but as thou wilt."  It's time that I tell the complete story. Here goes nothing and hopefully ya'll will understand how special this is to me. Some things you never forget...

It was a lazy summer morning and I had been out late the night before with friends. It was just my mom and I at home because my dad was working out of town in Rock Springs, Wyoming with his brother. I was sitting at the breakfast table enjoying a bowl of cocoa puffs when the phone rang. My mom was out on the front porch waving goodbye to my Aunt Shar so I got up and answered the telephone; it was an old fashioned one with large buttons and a long, curly cord. I didn't know it yet but what was about to happen next would change my life forever.

"Hello."

"Hi Celeste, this is Uncle Walter is your mom there?"

Something about that moment felt wrong. I don't know if it was the tone in my Uncle Walter's voice or something else but I knew from just that one sentence that something was seriously wrong. I remember feeling a sense of urgency to get my mom. I went to the porch and told her as calmly as I could that Uncle Walter was on the phone for her. I remember following her back to the kitchen like I was her shadow. I didn't want to miss a word she said. At that point I have blacked out the memory and I don't remember exactly what was said or the expression on her face when she heard the news. The next thing I remember she was telling me to follow her back to her bedroom. Words came out of her mouth in a blur. My brain couldn't catch up and my heart couldn't process what she was telling me.

"Dad had a heart attack."

 "He's being life flighted to LDS Hospital downtown Salt Lake."

 "We need to call Kenton".

The next thing I knew we were praying and my mom was pleading over and over again, "Lord, please help us to accept Thy will!" I'll never forget that prayer and the impact it had on me.

My brother Kenton was called and he came to pick us up and drive us to the hospital. My mom and I were a wreck of nerves and he was calm and peaceful. Once we got to the hospital we sat with other family members in the waiting room for what seemed like forever until we finally heard the helicopter that was bringing my dad in from Wyoming. It was both comforting and nerve wracking to know that he was finally in the same building as us and that the doctors would be able to see how bad the damage was. Was he going to live?

The next week was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. My dad had no brain activity so they decided operating on his heart would be pointless. He was in a coma and it was up to us, his family, to decide what to do. We waited to see if there would be any mireacles, any improvement at all, any sign that he might live. We waited for all of the family to have a chance to see him. My mom and I stayed in one of the hospital rooms so we could be near him and so other family members from out of town could have more space to stay at our house. I paced those hospital halls so many times and quickly I felt like I had the place memorized.

LDS hospital is up on a hill in the avenues of downtown Salt Lake. One day I just had to get away! I couldn't stand being in that hospital one more minute agonizing over the details of my dad's condition. I took off on a walk down the hill in a rage. "How is this real life? If I lose my dad now he won't see me graduate from high school, get married, or even have babies. It's not fair!" I was particularly upset that he wouldn't be around when I had babies. My dad was the best grandpa! He loved the grand kids and could always be found wherever they were even if that was down on the ground hiding in a fort. As I made my way into temple square with these heavy thoughts on my mind I noticed what a beautiful day it was. People were out and about enjoying the weather and one another's company. I saw a group of people laughing and felt genuinely surprised that there was still happiness in the world and life was going on for everyone it seemed but my family. I felt like I was in an alternate reality where time stood still for me but went much too quickly for the rest of the world. I wandered into the General Conference building (which was fairly new at the time) and I sat upstairs in the room with all of the statues of the prophets in a state of disbelief and shock. "Lord, help me! I'm just a girl. I don't know how to do this! Girl's need their dads!"

Eventually I ended up in the Joseph Smith Building watching a screening of, "The Testaments of One Fold and One Shepard". The movie is about Christ's appearance in the America's after He is resurrected. I completely lost control at the end of the movie when Christ showed the people the prints in his hands and feet. There I was in the most pain I had ever experienced in my young life and the pain didn't go away necessarily, but in that moment I knew my dad wasn't going to live and that it was going to be okay someday. The answer I had been dreading, the answer I knew deep down to be true was there smack dab in my face. I couldn't hide from it. My dad was going to die. He was not coming back to me in this life. I didn't know how I would go on but I knew I would go on and things would eventually heal. I knew it was okay because when I watched those people in the movie touch Christ's hands and feet the spirit testified to me that that was real! It really happened! Christ died and rose again on the third day and because of Him death was not really the end!

Eventually the doctors gave us the cold, hard truth; if he did come back he would most likely be a vegetable. We had a decision to make as a family and on July 14, 2004 we pulled the plug on all of the equipment that was keeping him alive. I have never felt more love in one room than I did that day. My entire family crowded around his bed and my mom asked my brother to read a scripture:

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through 
the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil: for
thou art with me; thy rod and 
thy staff they comfort me. 

Ocean waves were playing in the background. My dad so dearly loved the Oregon and northern California coast, it was a part of his soul the same way it is now a part of mine. A prayer was said and the equipment unplugged. My mom whispered in my dad's ear, "fly, baby fly, you're free" and one single tear slid down my dad's cheek. Many things happen naturally when a person dies, a physical reaction to the body shutting down but I believe that was his way of saying how much he would miss us and how sorry he was for all of the sadness we would feel. Within a few minutes his chest slowly stopped rising and falling and he was no longer with us in his mortal body. My sister Laura turned to me and with thick emotion embraced me and wept on my shoulder, "oh Buggie, I'm so sorry!" My grown brothers who were always so calm and safe, my protectors, were bawling on my shoulder. That day changed all of us forever.

On July 19th, a Monday, we held his funeral and shortly after family left to get back to their lives. It was the emptiest feeling on the planet being in our home with just my mom, knowing we would not hear my dad's laughter coming from the other room anymore. For about a month our dog, Charlie, would sit in the window waiting for my dad to come home. A couple of times he even ran out in the street confused, looking for him. Eventually he stopped waiting in the window and it broke my heart. He really was gone.

So many people showed us so much love during that time. We received countless cards and visits from well wishers. A family in the neighborhood brought us a massive breakfast to feed our ENTIRE family. My mom was serving as Young Women's president at the time and I was a laurel and the Young Women made us the most heartfelt cards. During our stay at the hospital my mom and dad had their 18th wedding anniversary. The staff all signed a card and got my mom a cake. I was so touched by their compassion. Many friends and school mates of mine showed up to my dad's funeral, never having met my dad, just to support me. I still look back on all of those kind acts of sympathy and love with such tenderness and gratitude!

My senior year of high school was rough. Grief encompassed me and I did my best to act normal, to be fine, but I wasn't fine. I felt like I was an actor in my own life. Many times after school I would throw my backpack on the floor and collapse onto my bed and just lay there, empty, depressed. Sometimes I couldn't move for hours and no tears would come and other times I couldn't seem to get off of my knees from a prayer and make the tears stop. I never thought the pain would end.

Time went on and I moved up to Idaho, got married, and had four kids. Gradually, with each year the pain got less and less. Sadness turned to gratitude for the time I did have with him and that I got to have him as my dad. I would rather have David Leavitt Ewell as my dad on this earth for only 17 years than any other dad until I was 80.

I have felt my dad's presence here and there over the years; usually when I am enjoying my kids, his grand kids. I have told my kids stories about their grandpa and seen tears in their eyes as they realized how special he is to me. It touches my heart to see them still have a relationship with him on some level. We can't drive by his cemetery without the kids yelling, "Hi grandpa!" On Valentines Day they made him valentines without even telling me and then asked to take them to him. One day I was upstairs helping my mom and I came downstairs to find the kids watching a home video of him completely entranced. They have never physically known him but they do know him and that brings my heart so much joy. Death has not kept them from having a relationship with him! They are learning the eternal nature of families at such young ages and I couldn't be more touched or amazed at their comprehension. It is a beautiful thing!

This last year has undeniably been the hardest of my adult life. One of the many tender mercies I have experienced is the sacred blessing of feeling my dad's presence with greater intensity and frequency. I feel him all the time, all around me. I know he is guiding and protecting me and my little family. I am convinced he was with my daughter giving her comfort and courage when she decided to tell someone she was abused. I know the love he felt for his grandchildren that were living at the time and I know that that love is no different than the love he feels for my kids now.

I have felt him giving me companionship and comfort on some of my darkest days. On one occasion I was praying and missing him terribly. I craved the comfort only a father can give and I said, "I love you dad, Heavenly Father please let him know I love him, I miss him." What happened next was a first for me and a much needed tender mercy. I distinctly heard the words, "I love you too Buggins". Every cell in my body knew he was there and that those words were coming from him. I instantly felt warm and as if I was hugging him once again.

I talk to him frequently about my mom. Not in the regular way you would talk to someone living but I feel things in my heart and send messages to him. "Dad, please help me take care of mom. What should I do?" I have felt him many times around us and I know he is here often even when we can't feel him.

My message today, my whole point in sharing all of this deeply personal stuff, is that life does not end at death! This Easter season my heart is so full of overwhelming love for our Savior. Because He lives I know that my dad will live again too, as will my mom. We ALL will live again because of Him! Death is still hard, there is a hole left in your heart that only time can slowly heal but the sting, the finality of it, is swallowed up in the crucifixion and resurrection of our Savior! As a 16 almost 17 year old girl watching a movie about the Savior's resurrection I knew my road would be long and painful but I also KNEW that it would be okay one day. It will be more than okay, we will all live again, of that I am certain! I don't know why I've been so fortunate to feel my dad when others might not have but I do know because of those experiences he is alive and well right now! Life goes on and we don't need to say goodbye the way we think we do. I feel a deep and immense love for our Savior. Because He lives I don't ever have to wonder if I will see my loved ones again. I still get to have my dad with me and my kids still get help from my dad, all because He lives! What has been made possible for you because He lives?

"She Will Be Loved"

I'm not sure I ever knew quite what real loneliness was like until this past year. The thing about loneliness is it comes and goes often with no rhyme or reason. In one day I can literally go from enjoying the freedom of single life to aching for anyone to come along and then back again to let freedom ring. On one such day I had a great morning and felt very optimistic. "Life is good" was my outlook most of the day. It just so happens that day was my brother's birthday as well. After my kids went to bed I decided to look for a picture of my brother holding me when I was a baby. I wanted to post it to facebook and instagram with a touching tribute to him in honor of his birthday. I never found the picture. What I found instead was a letter and a picture from my first love as well as pictures of Nic and I when we were dating. I sat there on the floor and looked at those pictures for quite some time. Then I read the letter:

Angel (got to love cheesy nicknames), 

Never in my life has anyone impacted my life the way you have. (Blah, blah, blah). You are a beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father and your earthly parents have done a beautiful job raising you. (blah, blah, blah). I've had probably the best summer of my life and you have opened my eyes to the hidden blessings of my life. Dreams do come true. (Blah, blah, blah, blah ,blah! This kind of thing went on for two whole pages). 

                                                                                           Love, 

                                                                                           Mark 

I don't mean to make light of the words he wrote by using all of the blah's but reading it back again in that moment it felt like a bunch of lies. I felt like if he really meant all of those words he wouldn't have made some of the choices he ultimately made. Normally I am very grateful to have experienced such a sweet experience the first time I fell in love and often I wish for my own daughter to have her first love be as sweet. Uncharacteristically of me, I felt bitter. He didn't mean those things, they were just hollow words and as a naive 15 year old girl I believed him (cue T. Swift's song "Fifteen" lol). 

And with that thought a wave of loneliness hit me and started to pull me down to the ocean depths. Before I could stop myself one negative thought was turning into another and another. "Nic didn't really love me deeply either". Followed by, "why hasn't anybody ever loved me enough to fight for me?" The grand finale was, " maybe I am unlovable and I will never find anyone to love me as much as I love them". 

Obviously at this point I was now in full blown pity party mode so naturally I turned on my go to song for when I'm in such a mood; "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. In true romantic comedy form I pathetically belted out every word between sobs (honestly thinking about myself doing this I have to chuckle). About the fifth time through, during mid chorus I began to have a dialogue with myself.

 "What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm wallowing."

"Stop. Are you really going to buy into this crap again?"

"Yes, yes I am thank you! I am unlovable and I'm never going to be in love again. I'm lonely and I'll always be lonely so go away and let me be pathetic in peace."

"You realize the biggest lies here are coming from you and not your ex's right?"

"um......what do you mean?"

"You are lovable and you know it. You're just having a tough moment, that doesn't mean you have to jump all the way to labeling yourself as unlovable and make dramatic statements like you'll never find love again."

"Okay maybe you have a point."

"What's this maybe business? I DO have a point! You are lovable! You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being mean to yourself. You are not pathetic just because you feel sad and lonely. That's normal. Everyone feels sad and lonely sometimes especially in circumstances like yours."

"You're right! I'm not going to do this anymore right now. I'm tired of entertaining these negative thoughts about myself and my life."

That's when it hit me that "she will be loved" was really, she is loved. Memories of my brothers and sisters came rushing to my mind as well as thoughts of friends, my kids, extended family, and Heavenly Father. A million memories flooded my mind of hundreds of people and hundreds of ways they had shown me I was loved. I had sat there feeling completely and totally sorry for myself and once those memories had come to my mind I realized I was the complete opposite of unlovable. I have complete strangers who love me just from reading this blog, simply because they relate to me and feel sympathy and/or empathy for me as a fellow child of God. I have brothers and sisters who would do anything for me and practically have. I am fortunate to have not just one best friend but a dozen close friends that I would call best friends. I have four kids who think I am the whole world! The things people have done for me and I was sitting there feeling unlovable!!! Ludicrous!

So if you are like me and you have struggled or are struggling with feelings of rejection, loneliness, or being unlovable my message to you is not that you will be loved but that you ARE loved! Right now, this very minute you are loved! 

For starters,  I love you whether I know you or not, simply because you are a fellow child of God and a human being with feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions, I too, have felt. I honestly cannot think of a soul that I have met that I didn't love in this most basic and purest of ways. 

Someone in your life loves you. A mother, a father, a child, friend, aunt, cousin, etc. I challenge you to really think about it. There is at least one person, if not multiple people, in your life that loves you and wants to see you happy. Focus on that love and be grateful for it. The more you focus on the love you do have in your life the less likely you are to feel sorry for yourself and be depressed. 

Finally, and this is HUGE so pay attention, you have a Heavenly Father and Savior who love you beyond measure!!! Heavenly Father loves you so much that He is literally available anytime, anywhere you need Him. All you have to do is pray. He is waiting to hear from you so He can comfort you, just as a parent would comfort their own child. He knows you in a way only a parent can know their child and He is anxiously waiting for you to come to Him so He can calm your heart and give you more strength to keep going. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to atone for your sins and heartaches.

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves you quite possibly the most of anyone because He has actually felt your heartbreaks and pains. He has been with you every step of the way, through every never ending night. He KNOWS you! He knows you in a way no one else does. He knows your heart and He loves you the way no one else can! Please believe He is there and you won't feel so alone. If you will get on your knees and pray to know if He is real, pray to know if He has felt your pain, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you will feel His love in some way or another. You are not alone! You are loved and have always been loved!

I realize that it isn't the same as a romantic love. Trust me, I know the ache for someone to hold your hand and to share your life with. I really don't know when that kind of love will come along for me and that in and of itself makes me feel lonely. However, what I do know is that I am NOT unlovable. I don't need to wait to be loved, I am loved right now. Focusing on all of the love I do have in my life, even if its not romantic, takes the edge off of the pain. In moments of my greatest loneliness knowing that my Savior, too, felt lonely, not only in His own life but also in my life through the powers of the atonement, makes me feel less lonely because by very definition I am not alone. Correctly understanding the atonement brings enlightenment that we are never alone.

One day I hope to be loved romantically and love in return. At times I might ache for such love but it is my testimony that as I change my way of thinking and turn towards the Savior that I will know a love that is deeper and purer than any other love in existence. I will know the love of the Savior and I will feel it now, not one day.  



                                   Turn thoughts like this.....

Into this:

                                                                       And this:

1. • 
     
2. 
   

How?

One of my mom's biggest concerns about passing on is she wants to make sure I'm okay. She longs to see me happily married to a wonderful man who will be crazy about me and my kiddos. Since her diagnosis I have reassured her many times that I will be okay because I am okay right now. I honestly believe it. I know that no matter what, marriage or not, I will be okay. I will figure out my career and with Heavenly Father's help I will be enough for my kids. It will be very challenging at times but I will be okay.

A couple of days ago I had gone upstairs and read Jesus the Christ with my mom. Towards the end of the chapter we were on I started to feel kind of funny. I don't know how to explain it other than I just felt really tired and off, nothing major was wrong and there were no distinct symptoms but I just didn't feel well. It was a general feeling of ick. So for the first time in months I took a nap. When I awoke I felt really peaceful and the veil felt very thin, almost as if I had seen a loved one who had passed on in a dream. All throughout that day I couldn't shake the feeling that I had had contact with a loved one's spirit and that they were nearby. It was a very sweet and calming feeling.

Later that evening a thought popped in my head, "why now does the veil feel thin?" That thought left me feeling a little uneasy as I connected it to my mom and her condition. Soon thoughts were coming like, "is she going to pass really soon?" and "am I being prepared for her passing". I finally dozed off a little only to awaken around one a.m. with an anxious feeling. I needed to go check on my mom. It was late and I didn't want to scare her but I listened to that feeling and crept quietly up the back stairs. When I cracked open her door she looked at me. "Mom are you okay?" "I'm fine what's wrong? Come sit by me." I sat by her on the bed and told her what I'd been feeling that day. In regards to my nap she suggested I was being taught by heavenly spirits in my dreams. We talked for a while and it felt like old times before she got sick. Finally I said, "Mom I really do know I'm going to be okay when you pass but I need to hear you say it. I need to know that you know I'm going to be okay.  I am going to be okay, right?" She quietly and confidently replied, "You are going to be okay. I raised my kids to be tough stuff and you will be just fine. Happier times are coming." That night I did feel more comforted after talking to my mom and fell asleep pretty quickly once I went back to bed.

The next day I made plans to attend the temple. I really needed some extra comfort and wanted to go to the Jordan River Temple one last time before it closed for renovations. As I was sitting through a session the same questions from the day before kept popping back into my mind. "Was I being prepared for her passing and was it going to happen sooner than I was expecting?" In the Celestial room my thoughts were focused on the Plan of Salvation and mortality. I sat there contemplating for a long time when I finally began to cry and I looked up at the chandelier as if looking to the Heavens and asked, "How am I going to be okay? I know I will be but how?" And with that the tears flowed freely. I knew I would be okay one way or another because of what I've already been through but losing my mom..... that is an overwhelming thought despite being 100% confident of where she's going to be and that I will still feel her. The fear and sorrow I hadn't allowed myself to feel was finally felt in that Celestial room because I knew I would find comfort there. What I didn't expect was for Heavenly Father to answer my question right then and there. With tears still streaming down my cheeks a sweet, young blonde woman, whom I noticed had also been crying, came over and sat down next to me. "Would you like someone to talk to? I noticed you were also crying and thought maybe we could give each other some comfort." We sat there whispering our stories and our pain to each other and exchanged words of comfort and support. After we had changed our clothes we hugged and exchanged phone numbers. "I'm so glad I met you!" She said. "Me too, and don't hesitate to text me or call."

I got in the car and I felt so much better. I felt sorrow for this woman and her trials but I was no longer focused on mine. How marvelous to have made a friend in the temple of all places. Surely our paths were meant to cross. However, it wasn't until I was nearly home that I heard my answer. "That's how. You will be okay because I will send others to comfort you just like I always have. I will use my other children to comfort you and you will comfort them. Service. That's how."

What a powerful moment that was for me! Just by being kind we are serving. A simple smile or a few kind words can be the answer to someone's prayers and in turn we can find the answer to ours. These little acts of service can become our how to make it through a difficult trial. When we act on those promptings to serve we lift each other up and "how am I going to be okay?" turns into "who needs my help?"

365 Days

This last Saturday marked 365 days since my daughter told a little girl at school a secret. 365 days since a detective and a social worker knocked on my door. 365 days since I received the awful news that my husband was sexually abusing our daughter. 365 days since I last woke up in the same bed as him. 365 days since my family was ripped apart by an illness, a perversion. It's been 365 days since I was a devoted wife. 365 days of grief. 365 days of tears. 365 days of taking deep breaths. 365 days of exhaustion. 365 days of growing and stretching. 365 days of rising up when I felt I couldn't. 365 of putting one foot in front of the other. 365 days of choosing and actively fighting for happiness.

How I got here, to the year mark, is miraculous. I have fought, prayed, sobbed, and clawed my way through this last year. In one years time I learned that my husband was abusing our daughter. I have soothed crying kiddos MANY times, I, personally, obtained evidence to protect my kids. I've gone to court where my husband was sentenced to 5 yrs prison time. I have gotten divorced. I have become a full time single parent. I have moved my little family to a different state, I have sold my home, I have found out my mom had lung cancer. I have watched my mom have a stroke and I have become a caregiver. If you would have told me on January 22, 2015 I would experience all of this I would not have believed you. I would not believe that I could handle it.

Here I am one year later and I have learned so many things but perhaps the most valuable thing I've learned is that I'm never done learning. I will master one obstacle and in hindsight think to myself, "I can see why I was supposed to go through that, I was supposed to learn from it. Okay good, I'm glad I learned that and now it's over." That's usually when life says, "guess again Celeste, I'm not done with you yet" and wa-bam, I am slammed with another obstacle (just think how wise I'm getting haha). One hurdle at a time I am learning different virtues that are slowly refining me to become more like our Savior.

So one year later and I can honestly say I am a much different person today than I was a year ago. I am so much braver than I ever knew. I am more independent than I ever thought I was capable of being. I am stronger, wiser, and more fearless. I have learned to be more humble and faithful. I have had SO MANY reasons to be more grateful on a daily basis. I have met so many incredible people and my relationships and friendships with others have gotten deeper. I have learned how to listen to the promptings of the spirit more effectively. I am not sure I would say I'm happier in the classic definition of the word but I am more content with myself. I know what I'm made of now and I'm proud of what I've not only survived but that I've allowed it to soften and teach me. It has been a choice to let my difficulties make me better not bitter. I have most definitely had bitter moments which is exactly why I'm proud of myself for where I am today.

365 days of healing. 365 days of turning towards the Savior because I could not do it alone. 365 days of allowing the atonement to work in my life. 365 days of forgiving others but more importantly forgiving and being patient with myself. 365 days and my little family is still broken in some ways. 365 days and we are still experiencing some pain and heartbreak. 365 days and it's not over, I will keep growing, keep learning and trials will continue to come. 365 days and I know that He doesn't always take away our trials but He will comfort us and give us strength to get through them if we will turn to Him. 365 days of tender mercies to help me carry on. 365 days of smiling even if some of those smiles have been through tears. 365 days of learning to have joy and laughter no matter how difficult my life is at the time. 365 days and I know now more than ever before that Christ is the source of all light, comfort, and truth! 365 days I have seen absolute and complete miracles; miracles that have made it so that I can never deny that there is a God and that His hand is actively involved in my life. 365 days and I move forward into the future with confidence knowing that my God is with me no matter what may come.

I. AM. STILL. HERE.

The last few months have been brutal. After discovering my mom's cancer I have slowly but surely sunk into depression. The pain and the fear I feel makes me ache to have someone to comfort me. Part of me went into shock and I haven't always thought rationally. A piece of me so desperately kept seeking out a relationship because she worries so much about me and I don't want her to have to leave this world without knowing I'm happily married. It's crazy, its irrational, but it's grief. I put the kids to bed and I'm left with my heavy thoughts and a loneliness unlike anything I've ever experienced sets in. Logically I know that I have to heal myself. Logically I know that the atonement is the only way to do that but I look at happy couples helping each other through life and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling empty and like I don't matter deeply, on a daily basis to someone other than my kids. So mostly I have been coping by ignoring my problems or trying to distract myself. I have been running from and trying to block my pain because I fear that if I truly feel it, it will be too much to handle. I've shut out friends and turned inward. It has been and is a very dark and unhealthy place to be. I have continued to say my prayers, read my scriptures, and act like everything is fine but I have been only going through the motions not really feeling anything. Going through life hollow and desperate for someone or something to fill me up again. Paralyzed by fear and pain.

Last night I was woken up at 1:43 am by the buzzing sound of my phone on the hard wood of my bedside table. In my efforts to distract myself or relieve some of my loneliness I have been casually texting/messaging a few lds guys  I don't want to make this about my love life or lack of but I do believe some background would be a little helpful. This guy that texted me last night, lets call him John. Anyway John and I had texted quite a bit back and forth one day about all kinds of things from music to our previous heart breaks. He seemed really nice and interested but it was too early to really tell. As time went on he became kind of withdrawn and to be honest I didn't really reach out either. Then last night I get this text:

"Hey I wanted to do the right thing

and kind of just let you know that 

I'm now seeing someone and have 

decided to date her exclusively. I 

hope you understand that it doesn't

have anything to do with a lack of 

interest in you. I honestly think you 

are an amazing woman and person. 

And I've wrestled with the idea of 

burning a bridge with you or potentially

hurting or disappointing you for a

while now. Ultimately though I feel

like it would be unfair to you to 

continue to pursue anything with 

you if I didn't have my whole heart

in it. 

I don't know how any of this sounds. 

I probably sound like an extremely 

pretentious douche. I am hoping that the

takeaway that you get from this is that

I respect you enough to be totally 

honest with you. I wouldn't do 

that if you're opinion of me didn't 

matter to me. But it does, because I 

know that you are a really strong, 

amazing person. And whoever you end

up with is going to be an extremely

lucky guy.

I hope you aren't upset by this, or 

that I have done anything that has

been hurtful to you or wrong in

any way. Please know that I am really

sorry and I assure you that that was 

never my intention. I really just want 

the best for you and your kids. You have

been through a hell of a lot, and I will 

honestly keep your family in my prayers. 

I don't think that I have come across 

anyone in the recent past that I feel is

more deserving of a happy life than you. 

And I honestly mean that. I meant everything 

I said. You are beautiful, you are sexy, and you

exude an extremely strong spirit. And I 

honestly respect that, and I am grateful to

have gotten to know you a little bit. "

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't really invested myself in this guy because we didn't know each other long. Yet for some reason tears were filling my eyes. I felt complimented and rejected all at the same time. It was really quite bizarre that I had been rejected by others that I was more interested or invested in and yet the way he phrased things I suddenly felt so very lonely. And for the first time in months I allowed myself to really feel all of the pain. I reread that text a few times and tried to process it before responding as graciously as I could. Thanking him for his honesty and wishing him all the luck and happiness in the world. After all he too had suffered and been lonely and deserved a little slice of joy. Then the sobs came and I found myself on my knees truly and sincerely praying to Heavenly Father once more the way I had so often in the past. I was finally feeling something again other than numbness. "Heavenly Father I don't understand why I'm having to do so many difficult things on my own, without a mate. I have always done my best to be faithful and I work so frickin hard to be happy and choose happiness every day of my life. For once I just want to naturally feel happy. I know I've been so immensely blessed and I feel like a brat for complaining but it's how I feel right now. I apologize for my very mortal mind that lacks patience and understanding for Thy will. I am aware that You know what I've been through. I know You haven't been blind to my pain as I've been told as much in a blessing. But so what? That doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling right now! I'm sorry for being ungrateful for not comprehending everything the way I probably should be but I don't understand. What is the point of all of this? Why am I continually faithful when I still hurt so much?" SILENCE and then, "I don't know what it is you want of me but I'm still here. I am still fighting, still trying, still believing. I have endured much, maybe not well, but I'm still here." At that point I began to sob repeatedly as if begging Him to see me, "I am still here, I am still here. I am still here." And then it gradually turned into a positive affirmation. "I am still here!" Finally it ended as a powerful statement, a warrior's battle cry. Each word distinct and deliberate. "I. AM. STILL. HERE!" As I rose from my knees I was weak and weary. I had exerted much emotional energy into that prayer. I silently cried tears of relief to be feeling something again and as I laid my head on my pillow I resolved to keep fighting the good fight. 

I'm not sure why that text was the trigger that finally humbled me to let down my walls again and be real with my Heavenly Father. Regardless I'm thankful for the way He works in my life, always knowing how to bring me back to Him. I'm thankful for "John's" honesty and that he acted and sent me that text when he did. Last night I realized something. I have experienced a lot of pain in my relatively short life, it could always be worse I know but as I look back on what I've been through it has been no easy feat. And yet by some miracle I am still here. I have survived the unthinkable and by the grace of God I am still here, a little worse for the wear in a few places but polished in others. As I said those words over and over again it felt like my heart was bleeding I realized that I will always still be here. There is a God given strength in me, that although I get discouraged and knocked down, refuses to give up. There still might be much pain and testing ahead of me but I will not let Satan win! I am not perfect, I'll make many mistakes but I will always come back. Why? It's simple really. I know and have felt the Savior's love and Heavenly Father's love and it is so sweet that I cannot deny it. I cannot stop fighting until I can feel of that love all the time. I imagine being reunited with Them and the feeling of sweet satisfaction as I honestly say, "I gave my all so that I might be at peace in Your presence." Sometimes my mortal and weak mind forgets what my spirit knows. Their love is so great that every hardship and trial I may experience will be obviously worth it once I am reunited with Them again! What a glorious day that will be and as for now as I stumble so imperfectly through life I find comfort in knowing that I'm still here. 

          I don't always feel like I have the ability to be strong anymore but I keep choosing to try to be. 

Meant to Meet

Do you ever feel like you were meant to meet someone? Like you were supposed to be somewhere at that exact time and moment?

When I moved to Utah I knew I had to get a plan going. Job, school, maybe both, something. I knew I wanted to be a nurse and so I did some research trying to figure out what the best way was for me to go about doing that as a single mom. I wanted to get a job at a hospital so they would help pay for some of my schooling. That led me to either phlebotomy or becoming a CNA. I then called around to all of the different programs I could find in the valley and compared them. After some careful consideration I opted for the CNA route. I knew I didn't want to waste time and I wanted to jump right in so I picked the course with the closest starting date and the best schedule for my family. After calling about 15 different course providers there was only one that seemed to fit the way I wanted. Eager to secure my spot I drove there the very next day and signed up for the course. 

There are a few reasons I think I was meant for that exact course. One being that in order to get to that location I would get to drive by my dad's cemetery everyday. It seems silly but little did I know that during that month I would have days where I needed to feel close to him. I would drive by every morning and shout out, "Morning dad. Help me out today if you can!" And then there were days when I was overcome with grief as I realized my mom was getting sicker and sicker. I would drive by on those days and say, "Please take care of mom today." Being able to "talk" to him gave me some added courage and comfort. 

The main reason I was supposed to take that particular course was the people I met. My instructor, Linda, was divinely placed in my life at that time. During lunch and on breaks we would often get to talking as a class and Linda had such a way about her that you just felt loved and cared about. More often than not our discussions would sway towards spiritual matters, none of us having the same religious backgrounds. As she talked about the elderly people we would care for and the things they would experience often tears would fill her eyes. This is what healthcare is all about, or should be. Caring, love, healing. She taught us all a valuable lesson. It didn't take long for us classmates to form a friendship and a bond with Linda. 

About half way through my course my mom came to me one day when I got home and showed me her pillow case which was sprinkled with blood. At this time my family knew she had been sick for too long but we didn't know what it was she was sick with. She had been previously diagnosed with pneumonia and given antibiotics and even steroids but she wasn't getting better. In my heart I knew there was something else wrong. I couldn't hide my concern and it didn't take Linda long to realize something was wrong. My class would sit and listen to me talk about it as we ate lunch or before class and it became a safe place for me to vent. 

We were doing clinics at a skilled nursing facility one Friday and my mom was supposed to be getting the results back from her doctor that day as to whether or not she had cancer. I had wanted to stay home and be with my mom when she received the news but she insisted I go and she would call me right away. So I went and I asked Linda for special permission to answer my phone should it ring. About halfway through the morning my phone started buzzing in my scrubs pocket. It just so happens I was answering call lights with Linda at that exact moment. "Can I take it?"  "Go". I stepped out into the hall waiting to hear my mom confirm what I already knew. Deep breathe, "Hey so?"  Two. Words.  "It's cancer." "Do you need me to come home? Are you okay?" I asked. My mom insisted that I stay. So I hung up just as Linda came out into the hall. She looked at me with eyes that knew and simply said, "you need to go". At that point the tears started flowing and wouldn't stop. SHOCK! SO MUCH SHOCK! "How is this real? Cancer. Cancer. Cancer." I kept repeating it in my mind. "My mom has cancer." Linda walked me down the stairs and out to my car. She grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes, and wiped my snot from my face. (That's right. She wiped my gross, runny nosed, snot. That's compassion!) "Are you going to be okay driving home?" "Yes." She hugged me and told me to go be with my mom. "You should both get a priesthood blessing," And as she turned to walk away, "Oh and Celeste, seek comfort in the scriptures." 

I am so pleased to say that Linda and I are still friends. We just went to lunch last week in fact. Her sweet spirit and her passion for serving others have changed me. I know I was supposed to be with her when I found out about my mom's cancer. I know I was supposed to take that class to prepare me for all of the things I would have to do to care for my mom. I know I needed to drive by my dad often to feel some support from him. My classmates will be my life long friends. I know I was supposed to meet them. They were supposed to make me laugh and smile by saying stupid things like, "you look like John Travolta". They too had hard things they were experiencing and going through. We were an odd bunch. I don't think any of us would ever have become friends without that class with such diverse backgrounds. Linda was our glue. That class was more than a CNA certification program. It was where we were all supposed to be to find each other. 

The Last Christmas

 It all started with a lamb...

   I will never forget last Christmas as long as I live. It was the last Christmas we would spend together as a family. Nic and I were struggling a little financially and our marriage had seen better days. By this point Nic was already in deep trouble and it reflected through his actions. Things that should have been so joyful with our little kids were very painful. One December day I had the notion that for family home evening we should go pick out a tree at the local tree lot. Nic didn't think that sounded like a fun idea and was very obstinate. With a guilty conscience I think he felt like a fraud when we did things together as a family. He finally consented, I believe his exact words were, "fine I'll go but only if you get all the kids ready and loaded in the van by yourself". Desperate to get a tree and make a fun memory for the kids I did my best to try to ignore his mood. I got the kids ready and loaded. In the three short blocks to the tree lot he continued to make grumpy comments and my sensitive nature couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry and I pleaded with him to try to cheer up so we wouldn't ruin this for the kids. He never did cheer up. We ended up with a tree that night but I decorated it alone after the kids went to bed with tears streaming down my face and a broken heart. I couldn't understand what was wrong with Nic. I silently prayed for some understanding, some comfort so that I might be able to salvage the Christmas season.
   The very next day someone knocked on the door as I was cleaning up dinner. I opened the door to discover no one there and a small present on the welcome mat. It was a piece to a nativity set, I believe a lamb with a quote attached to it. Every day from there on we received another piece to the nativity set. The notes attached were always so sweet and often tears would fill my eyes as I contemplated the role each character played. The kids and I would wait in anticipation every evening and guess which piece we would receive next. They would shriek with delight every time we heard the knock at the door. The sweetness and magic of Christmas was brought back into our home. My heart was so grateful and I loved placing each piece so carefully on top of the piano. You see, I had never had a nativity set and I'd always wanted one and boy was this one beautiful!
   To this day I have no clue who gave us that nativity set. What I do know is that they were an answer to my prayers. They probably didn't have any idea the concerns that were in my heart. From the outside we appeared to be a happy family. They didn't know that their precious gift would touch my heart and create a lasting impression on my kids. They couldn't have known that Nic was in trouble and that in one short month our whole world would blow up. What could've been an absolutely terrible Christmas turned out to be one filled with magic and the love of Christ. It was a true testament to me that our Heavenly Father does answer prayers. He couldn't change what Nic had already chosen but He could comfort my aching heart. That nativity set has become one of my most prized possessions, not because it's beautiful, but because it is a gentle reminder to me of the true meaning of Christmas. No matter what's going on every time I look at that manger scene a quiet peace spreads throughout my body and the spirit whispers to me, "this is what it's all about, be still". How grateful I am for the birth of the Christ child! Surely this is why He was born, to heal and mend our broken hearts.