Because He Lives

I've been feeling for a few weeks now that I need to write about my dad and his passing. With Easter Sunday quickly approaching I think it's become even more relevant to share this particular story. It's a very difficult thing for me to be so publicly open about because those memories are so special and sacred to me but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I need to share. A portion of this I have already shared in a different post, "Not as I will, but as thou wilt."  It's time that I tell the complete story. Here goes nothing and hopefully ya'll will understand how special this is to me. Some things you never forget...

It was a lazy summer morning and I had been out late the night before with friends. It was just my mom and I at home because my dad was working out of town in Rock Springs, Wyoming with his brother. I was sitting at the breakfast table enjoying a bowl of cocoa puffs when the phone rang. My mom was out on the front porch waving goodbye to my Aunt Shar so I got up and answered the telephone; it was an old fashioned one with large buttons and a long, curly cord. I didn't know it yet but what was about to happen next would change my life forever.

"Hello."

"Hi Celeste, this is Uncle Walter is your mom there?"

Something about that moment felt wrong. I don't know if it was the tone in my Uncle Walter's voice or something else but I knew from just that one sentence that something was seriously wrong. I remember feeling a sense of urgency to get my mom. I went to the porch and told her as calmly as I could that Uncle Walter was on the phone for her. I remember following her back to the kitchen like I was her shadow. I didn't want to miss a word she said. At that point I have blacked out the memory and I don't remember exactly what was said or the expression on her face when she heard the news. The next thing I remember she was telling me to follow her back to her bedroom. Words came out of her mouth in a blur. My brain couldn't catch up and my heart couldn't process what she was telling me.

"Dad had a heart attack."

 "He's being life flighted to LDS Hospital downtown Salt Lake."

 "We need to call Kenton".

The next thing I knew we were praying and my mom was pleading over and over again, "Lord, please help us to accept Thy will!" I'll never forget that prayer and the impact it had on me.

My brother Kenton was called and he came to pick us up and drive us to the hospital. My mom and I were a wreck of nerves and he was calm and peaceful. Once we got to the hospital we sat with other family members in the waiting room for what seemed like forever until we finally heard the helicopter that was bringing my dad in from Wyoming. It was both comforting and nerve wracking to know that he was finally in the same building as us and that the doctors would be able to see how bad the damage was. Was he going to live?

The next week was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. My dad had no brain activity so they decided operating on his heart would be pointless. He was in a coma and it was up to us, his family, to decide what to do. We waited to see if there would be any mireacles, any improvement at all, any sign that he might live. We waited for all of the family to have a chance to see him. My mom and I stayed in one of the hospital rooms so we could be near him and so other family members from out of town could have more space to stay at our house. I paced those hospital halls so many times and quickly I felt like I had the place memorized.

LDS hospital is up on a hill in the avenues of downtown Salt Lake. One day I just had to get away! I couldn't stand being in that hospital one more minute agonizing over the details of my dad's condition. I took off on a walk down the hill in a rage. "How is this real life? If I lose my dad now he won't see me graduate from high school, get married, or even have babies. It's not fair!" I was particularly upset that he wouldn't be around when I had babies. My dad was the best grandpa! He loved the grand kids and could always be found wherever they were even if that was down on the ground hiding in a fort. As I made my way into temple square with these heavy thoughts on my mind I noticed what a beautiful day it was. People were out and about enjoying the weather and one another's company. I saw a group of people laughing and felt genuinely surprised that there was still happiness in the world and life was going on for everyone it seemed but my family. I felt like I was in an alternate reality where time stood still for me but went much too quickly for the rest of the world. I wandered into the General Conference building (which was fairly new at the time) and I sat upstairs in the room with all of the statues of the prophets in a state of disbelief and shock. "Lord, help me! I'm just a girl. I don't know how to do this! Girl's need their dads!"

Eventually I ended up in the Joseph Smith Building watching a screening of, "The Testaments of One Fold and One Shepard". The movie is about Christ's appearance in the America's after He is resurrected. I completely lost control at the end of the movie when Christ showed the people the prints in his hands and feet. There I was in the most pain I had ever experienced in my young life and the pain didn't go away necessarily, but in that moment I knew my dad wasn't going to live and that it was going to be okay someday. The answer I had been dreading, the answer I knew deep down to be true was there smack dab in my face. I couldn't hide from it. My dad was going to die. He was not coming back to me in this life. I didn't know how I would go on but I knew I would go on and things would eventually heal. I knew it was okay because when I watched those people in the movie touch Christ's hands and feet the spirit testified to me that that was real! It really happened! Christ died and rose again on the third day and because of Him death was not really the end!

Eventually the doctors gave us the cold, hard truth; if he did come back he would most likely be a vegetable. We had a decision to make as a family and on July 14, 2004 we pulled the plug on all of the equipment that was keeping him alive. I have never felt more love in one room than I did that day. My entire family crowded around his bed and my mom asked my brother to read a scripture:

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through 
the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil: for
thou art with me; thy rod and 
thy staff they comfort me. 

Ocean waves were playing in the background. My dad so dearly loved the Oregon and northern California coast, it was a part of his soul the same way it is now a part of mine. A prayer was said and the equipment unplugged. My mom whispered in my dad's ear, "fly, baby fly, you're free" and one single tear slid down my dad's cheek. Many things happen naturally when a person dies, a physical reaction to the body shutting down but I believe that was his way of saying how much he would miss us and how sorry he was for all of the sadness we would feel. Within a few minutes his chest slowly stopped rising and falling and he was no longer with us in his mortal body. My sister Laura turned to me and with thick emotion embraced me and wept on my shoulder, "oh Buggie, I'm so sorry!" My grown brothers who were always so calm and safe, my protectors, were bawling on my shoulder. That day changed all of us forever.

On July 19th, a Monday, we held his funeral and shortly after family left to get back to their lives. It was the emptiest feeling on the planet being in our home with just my mom, knowing we would not hear my dad's laughter coming from the other room anymore. For about a month our dog, Charlie, would sit in the window waiting for my dad to come home. A couple of times he even ran out in the street confused, looking for him. Eventually he stopped waiting in the window and it broke my heart. He really was gone.

So many people showed us so much love during that time. We received countless cards and visits from well wishers. A family in the neighborhood brought us a massive breakfast to feed our ENTIRE family. My mom was serving as Young Women's president at the time and I was a laurel and the Young Women made us the most heartfelt cards. During our stay at the hospital my mom and dad had their 18th wedding anniversary. The staff all signed a card and got my mom a cake. I was so touched by their compassion. Many friends and school mates of mine showed up to my dad's funeral, never having met my dad, just to support me. I still look back on all of those kind acts of sympathy and love with such tenderness and gratitude!

My senior year of high school was rough. Grief encompassed me and I did my best to act normal, to be fine, but I wasn't fine. I felt like I was an actor in my own life. Many times after school I would throw my backpack on the floor and collapse onto my bed and just lay there, empty, depressed. Sometimes I couldn't move for hours and no tears would come and other times I couldn't seem to get off of my knees from a prayer and make the tears stop. I never thought the pain would end.

Time went on and I moved up to Idaho, got married, and had four kids. Gradually, with each year the pain got less and less. Sadness turned to gratitude for the time I did have with him and that I got to have him as my dad. I would rather have David Leavitt Ewell as my dad on this earth for only 17 years than any other dad until I was 80.

I have felt my dad's presence here and there over the years; usually when I am enjoying my kids, his grand kids. I have told my kids stories about their grandpa and seen tears in their eyes as they realized how special he is to me. It touches my heart to see them still have a relationship with him on some level. We can't drive by his cemetery without the kids yelling, "Hi grandpa!" On Valentines Day they made him valentines without even telling me and then asked to take them to him. One day I was upstairs helping my mom and I came downstairs to find the kids watching a home video of him completely entranced. They have never physically known him but they do know him and that brings my heart so much joy. Death has not kept them from having a relationship with him! They are learning the eternal nature of families at such young ages and I couldn't be more touched or amazed at their comprehension. It is a beautiful thing!

This last year has undeniably been the hardest of my adult life. One of the many tender mercies I have experienced is the sacred blessing of feeling my dad's presence with greater intensity and frequency. I feel him all the time, all around me. I know he is guiding and protecting me and my little family. I am convinced he was with my daughter giving her comfort and courage when she decided to tell someone she was abused. I know the love he felt for his grandchildren that were living at the time and I know that that love is no different than the love he feels for my kids now.

I have felt him giving me companionship and comfort on some of my darkest days. On one occasion I was praying and missing him terribly. I craved the comfort only a father can give and I said, "I love you dad, Heavenly Father please let him know I love him, I miss him." What happened next was a first for me and a much needed tender mercy. I distinctly heard the words, "I love you too Buggins". Every cell in my body knew he was there and that those words were coming from him. I instantly felt warm and as if I was hugging him once again.

I talk to him frequently about my mom. Not in the regular way you would talk to someone living but I feel things in my heart and send messages to him. "Dad, please help me take care of mom. What should I do?" I have felt him many times around us and I know he is here often even when we can't feel him.

My message today, my whole point in sharing all of this deeply personal stuff, is that life does not end at death! This Easter season my heart is so full of overwhelming love for our Savior. Because He lives I know that my dad will live again too, as will my mom. We ALL will live again because of Him! Death is still hard, there is a hole left in your heart that only time can slowly heal but the sting, the finality of it, is swallowed up in the crucifixion and resurrection of our Savior! As a 16 almost 17 year old girl watching a movie about the Savior's resurrection I knew my road would be long and painful but I also KNEW that it would be okay one day. It will be more than okay, we will all live again, of that I am certain! I don't know why I've been so fortunate to feel my dad when others might not have but I do know because of those experiences he is alive and well right now! Life goes on and we don't need to say goodbye the way we think we do. I feel a deep and immense love for our Savior. Because He lives I don't ever have to wonder if I will see my loved ones again. I still get to have my dad with me and my kids still get help from my dad, all because He lives! What has been made possible for you because He lives?

"She Will Be Loved"

I'm not sure I ever knew quite what real loneliness was like until this past year. The thing about loneliness is it comes and goes often with no rhyme or reason. In one day I can literally go from enjoying the freedom of single life to aching for anyone to come along and then back again to let freedom ring. On one such day I had a great morning and felt very optimistic. "Life is good" was my outlook most of the day. It just so happens that day was my brother's birthday as well. After my kids went to bed I decided to look for a picture of my brother holding me when I was a baby. I wanted to post it to facebook and instagram with a touching tribute to him in honor of his birthday. I never found the picture. What I found instead was a letter and a picture from my first love as well as pictures of Nic and I when we were dating. I sat there on the floor and looked at those pictures for quite some time. Then I read the letter:

Angel (got to love cheesy nicknames), 

Never in my life has anyone impacted my life the way you have. (Blah, blah, blah). You are a beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father and your earthly parents have done a beautiful job raising you. (blah, blah, blah). I've had probably the best summer of my life and you have opened my eyes to the hidden blessings of my life. Dreams do come true. (Blah, blah, blah, blah ,blah! This kind of thing went on for two whole pages). 

                                                                                           Love, 

                                                                                           Mark 

I don't mean to make light of the words he wrote by using all of the blah's but reading it back again in that moment it felt like a bunch of lies. I felt like if he really meant all of those words he wouldn't have made some of the choices he ultimately made. Normally I am very grateful to have experienced such a sweet experience the first time I fell in love and often I wish for my own daughter to have her first love be as sweet. Uncharacteristically of me, I felt bitter. He didn't mean those things, they were just hollow words and as a naive 15 year old girl I believed him (cue T. Swift's song "Fifteen" lol). 

And with that thought a wave of loneliness hit me and started to pull me down to the ocean depths. Before I could stop myself one negative thought was turning into another and another. "Nic didn't really love me deeply either". Followed by, "why hasn't anybody ever loved me enough to fight for me?" The grand finale was, " maybe I am unlovable and I will never find anyone to love me as much as I love them". 

Obviously at this point I was now in full blown pity party mode so naturally I turned on my go to song for when I'm in such a mood; "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. In true romantic comedy form I pathetically belted out every word between sobs (honestly thinking about myself doing this I have to chuckle). About the fifth time through, during mid chorus I began to have a dialogue with myself.

 "What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm wallowing."

"Stop. Are you really going to buy into this crap again?"

"Yes, yes I am thank you! I am unlovable and I'm never going to be in love again. I'm lonely and I'll always be lonely so go away and let me be pathetic in peace."

"You realize the biggest lies here are coming from you and not your ex's right?"

"um......what do you mean?"

"You are lovable and you know it. You're just having a tough moment, that doesn't mean you have to jump all the way to labeling yourself as unlovable and make dramatic statements like you'll never find love again."

"Okay maybe you have a point."

"What's this maybe business? I DO have a point! You are lovable! You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being mean to yourself. You are not pathetic just because you feel sad and lonely. That's normal. Everyone feels sad and lonely sometimes especially in circumstances like yours."

"You're right! I'm not going to do this anymore right now. I'm tired of entertaining these negative thoughts about myself and my life."

That's when it hit me that "she will be loved" was really, she is loved. Memories of my brothers and sisters came rushing to my mind as well as thoughts of friends, my kids, extended family, and Heavenly Father. A million memories flooded my mind of hundreds of people and hundreds of ways they had shown me I was loved. I had sat there feeling completely and totally sorry for myself and once those memories had come to my mind I realized I was the complete opposite of unlovable. I have complete strangers who love me just from reading this blog, simply because they relate to me and feel sympathy and/or empathy for me as a fellow child of God. I have brothers and sisters who would do anything for me and practically have. I am fortunate to have not just one best friend but a dozen close friends that I would call best friends. I have four kids who think I am the whole world! The things people have done for me and I was sitting there feeling unlovable!!! Ludicrous!

So if you are like me and you have struggled or are struggling with feelings of rejection, loneliness, or being unlovable my message to you is not that you will be loved but that you ARE loved! Right now, this very minute you are loved! 

For starters,  I love you whether I know you or not, simply because you are a fellow child of God and a human being with feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions, I too, have felt. I honestly cannot think of a soul that I have met that I didn't love in this most basic and purest of ways. 

Someone in your life loves you. A mother, a father, a child, friend, aunt, cousin, etc. I challenge you to really think about it. There is at least one person, if not multiple people, in your life that loves you and wants to see you happy. Focus on that love and be grateful for it. The more you focus on the love you do have in your life the less likely you are to feel sorry for yourself and be depressed. 

Finally, and this is HUGE so pay attention, you have a Heavenly Father and Savior who love you beyond measure!!! Heavenly Father loves you so much that He is literally available anytime, anywhere you need Him. All you have to do is pray. He is waiting to hear from you so He can comfort you, just as a parent would comfort their own child. He knows you in a way only a parent can know their child and He is anxiously waiting for you to come to Him so He can calm your heart and give you more strength to keep going. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to atone for your sins and heartaches.

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves you quite possibly the most of anyone because He has actually felt your heartbreaks and pains. He has been with you every step of the way, through every never ending night. He KNOWS you! He knows you in a way no one else does. He knows your heart and He loves you the way no one else can! Please believe He is there and you won't feel so alone. If you will get on your knees and pray to know if He is real, pray to know if He has felt your pain, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you will feel His love in some way or another. You are not alone! You are loved and have always been loved!

I realize that it isn't the same as a romantic love. Trust me, I know the ache for someone to hold your hand and to share your life with. I really don't know when that kind of love will come along for me and that in and of itself makes me feel lonely. However, what I do know is that I am NOT unlovable. I don't need to wait to be loved, I am loved right now. Focusing on all of the love I do have in my life, even if its not romantic, takes the edge off of the pain. In moments of my greatest loneliness knowing that my Savior, too, felt lonely, not only in His own life but also in my life through the powers of the atonement, makes me feel less lonely because by very definition I am not alone. Correctly understanding the atonement brings enlightenment that we are never alone.

One day I hope to be loved romantically and love in return. At times I might ache for such love but it is my testimony that as I change my way of thinking and turn towards the Savior that I will know a love that is deeper and purer than any other love in existence. I will know the love of the Savior and I will feel it now, not one day.  



                                   Turn thoughts like this.....

Into this:

                                                                       And this:

1. • 
     
2. 
   

The Last Christmas

 It all started with a lamb...

   I will never forget last Christmas as long as I live. It was the last Christmas we would spend together as a family. Nic and I were struggling a little financially and our marriage had seen better days. By this point Nic was already in deep trouble and it reflected through his actions. Things that should have been so joyful with our little kids were very painful. One December day I had the notion that for family home evening we should go pick out a tree at the local tree lot. Nic didn't think that sounded like a fun idea and was very obstinate. With a guilty conscience I think he felt like a fraud when we did things together as a family. He finally consented, I believe his exact words were, "fine I'll go but only if you get all the kids ready and loaded in the van by yourself". Desperate to get a tree and make a fun memory for the kids I did my best to try to ignore his mood. I got the kids ready and loaded. In the three short blocks to the tree lot he continued to make grumpy comments and my sensitive nature couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry and I pleaded with him to try to cheer up so we wouldn't ruin this for the kids. He never did cheer up. We ended up with a tree that night but I decorated it alone after the kids went to bed with tears streaming down my face and a broken heart. I couldn't understand what was wrong with Nic. I silently prayed for some understanding, some comfort so that I might be able to salvage the Christmas season.
   The very next day someone knocked on the door as I was cleaning up dinner. I opened the door to discover no one there and a small present on the welcome mat. It was a piece to a nativity set, I believe a lamb with a quote attached to it. Every day from there on we received another piece to the nativity set. The notes attached were always so sweet and often tears would fill my eyes as I contemplated the role each character played. The kids and I would wait in anticipation every evening and guess which piece we would receive next. They would shriek with delight every time we heard the knock at the door. The sweetness and magic of Christmas was brought back into our home. My heart was so grateful and I loved placing each piece so carefully on top of the piano. You see, I had never had a nativity set and I'd always wanted one and boy was this one beautiful!
   To this day I have no clue who gave us that nativity set. What I do know is that they were an answer to my prayers. They probably didn't have any idea the concerns that were in my heart. From the outside we appeared to be a happy family. They didn't know that their precious gift would touch my heart and create a lasting impression on my kids. They couldn't have known that Nic was in trouble and that in one short month our whole world would blow up. What could've been an absolutely terrible Christmas turned out to be one filled with magic and the love of Christ. It was a true testament to me that our Heavenly Father does answer prayers. He couldn't change what Nic had already chosen but He could comfort my aching heart. That nativity set has become one of my most prized possessions, not because it's beautiful, but because it is a gentle reminder to me of the true meaning of Christmas. No matter what's going on every time I look at that manger scene a quiet peace spreads throughout my body and the spirit whispers to me, "this is what it's all about, be still". How grateful I am for the birth of the Christ child! Surely this is why He was born, to heal and mend our broken hearts.

A Thankful Heart

   This Thanksgiving my thoughts kept circling back to where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving. When my daughter told the school counselor about the abuse she said it started on Thanksgiving. She said grandma was staying in her room but for some reason she wasn't there that night. As I have thought back to last Thanksgiving it all makes perfect sense. Nic loved spending time with my family so if they were in town usually he would go back over to where they were at after we got the kids in bed for the night. Last year he told me I should go spend time with my family. I remember looking at him a little shocked thinking it was strange. After a few minutes I decided I would go and I figured maybe he was trying to be more generous and less selfish. I greatly appreciated the night off with my family. Little did I know that he wanted me to go so he could be alone with our daughter. It used to haunt me that Thanksgiving was where it all began. I remember feeling so guilty. How did I not know? Where was my mother's intuition? The truth is it all began a long time before that day. He must have been having thoughts for some time before he actually acted on them.
    So a year later here I am and honestly I couldn't be more grateful. I'm grateful first of all that my kids are safe. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father guided me to do all the right things so I could protect my babies. My daughter no longer has to endure sexual abuse and is on the path of healing. I'm grateful she has been so resilient and that the atonement has worked as a balm on her heart. I'm grateful she was prompted to tell some little girl that she didn't really know that her daddy was touching her. She was prompted to tell the right little girl, the little girl that would encourage her to tell the counselor at school. I'm grateful for that little girls parents for teaching her what to do. If I knew who they were I would give them a huge hug and thank them from the bottom of my heart. I'm thankful for all of the social workers, family, friends, lawyers, officers, teachers, and the judge that made it possible for me to get to this point. Because of their help and support my kids are safe. My daughter doesn't have to be afraid to go to sleep in her bed at night.
    I'm grateful for the generosity of others. This past year would have been absolutely crushing without the loving compassion of others. I cannot even begin to say how much every smile, kind thought, prayer, act of service and financial donation has meant to me. I make sure to tell my kids all the time how lucky we are and how important it is to help others. I feel like I'm being redundant but I am quite honestly blown away by the generous acts of others. I am inspired by these acts to be better and do better. To know that I have not only my personal family and friends but complete strangers rooting and pulling for my little family to succeed inspires me to keep going, to keep fighting, and I strive to be like those who have helped me. Their love and generosity has forever changed my heart.
    I'm grateful for my siblings. This last year my family has experienced many hardships. The shocking news about Nic's abuse devastated my family. Many of them have also experienced a lot of pain in their own personal lives. A brother and sister-in-law lost their teenage nephew in a tragic accident. As you can imagine it was heartbreaking. Then this fall my family received even more devastating news when we found out about my mom's cancer. As we have had such difficult times we've been together a lot more than usual. What I'm so grateful for is the time we've spent together even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. We have laughed and cried together many times this last year and I so appreciate that we have each other. None of us have to experience these things all alone. I'm so grateful for the intense loyalty and love I receive from my family. I know that my siblings have my back no matter what. Their lives are busy and they can't always be there but because of the quality time we have shared together I never doubt their love.
    I'm thankful for my mom's testimony. I'm thankful that she was always an example to me and that she taught me well. Many people have commended me for my spiritual strength. I truthfully cannot take any credit. I did not become this way all on my own. It was my mother who instilled in me from a very young age the importance of a relationship with Heavenly Father. Over the years she has taught me many spiritual life lessons. I'm grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I would not be where I am today without her. It is because of her that I know that no matter what life throws my way I will be okay as long as I cling tightly to the gospel. She has consistently been my rock. I am so grateful that we have had more time with her. Her stroke scared us all. We weren't sure we were going to get her back. Those were some dark days for our family. My heart is so full that we were able to spend thanksgiving with her and that she was able to enjoy it. I don't know what the cancer will do to her or when it will take her from this life but I'm so grateful for each and every moment I get with her and for the blessed opportunity I have now to extend some service to her. It is my turn to care for and nurture her. I am so happy to do it.
    I'm thankful for the four little humans that I get to call my own. My kids are the reason I go on when I feel like giving up. They're the reason I smile when I've had a bad day. They're the reason I get up and choose to fight each and every day of my life no matter how damn hard it is to fight. They drive me crazy sometimes but my love for them goes so deep that I can't stay crazy. I look at them and marvel at their perfectly healthy little bodies, their dimples, their little blonde heads. I am in awe of their unique and marvelous personalities. How are these wild, sweet, crazy, funny, smart, loving kids mine? My kids give me purpose. They breathe new life into me each and every time they give me a hug or flash a smile my way. Sometimes I suspect that they do far more for me than I do for them. I consider myself very blessed to be their mama.
     I could go on and on as I have MUCH to be grateful for. Perhaps the thing I am the most grateful for is a wise and loving Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. In Heavenly Father's wisdom and love He has guided and protected me this past year through some really rough waters. The storm was coming no matter what. Nic did what he did and my mom's cancer couldn't have been prevented. Without Heavenly Father's help I would surely have drowned with the immensity of it all. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done but I'm positive I would've self destructed from the weight of it all without a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Never have I faced more pressure and strain on me than I have this past year. Heavenly Father completely took over and guided me when it came to Nic's criminal charges. I was literally told step by step what to do. Then in His infinite wisdom He sent me to Utah. I never wanted to move back to Utah and when I finally did I still didn't know the full purpose behind it. I was brought here to be with and care for my mom at this difficult time for her. I am so grateful I listened to Him when I didn't want to. I couldn't possibly know my mom had cancer at the time. When I have felt I was in way over my head, when I've felt like I absolutely couldn't rise up to what was being required of me, through deep prayer the atonement has time and time again come to my rescue. It has been my most powerful defense against the adversary. I get up on my own two feet and I continue to surprise myself with what I'm capable of as I let the atonement strengthen and sustain me. I would be no where without the atonement. I promise you I am not as strong as I seem in fact most of the time I feel quite the opposite, I am so incredibly weak and human, for this reason I am beyond thankful for my Heavenly Father and His Son.
    I have been taught many things. I have witnessed miracles. I have been the recipient of more generosity than I even knew existed. My heart is truly full.  As I have reflected on who I was and where I was a year ago I am so grateful to be who I am and where I am now. I have NO reason not to have a thankful heart always.

What Hurts.

   I mentioned in my last post that my mom has lung cancer. Since then she has had a stroke that was a side effect of the lung cancer. It's difficult for me to write about this because it's happening now and I don't want to say anything that might make it more difficult for my mom or cause her more worry or pain. That being said I have stuffed a lot of my feelings and haven't been coping very well. I haven't had much alone time or reflective time like I'm used to having so that I can process my feelings. I have tried to keep going full steam and take it all on. I wanted to be everything for my kids, my mom, my siblings, and still make time for myself. Turns out you can't be all things to all people. (like duh! ) So tonight I was putting clean sheets on my bed when I found myself suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. All of the feelings I had been stuffing and trying to run from, everything I was trying to be stronger than came out all at once. So here I am. I don't write these things publicly to seek sympathy or for anyone's pity. I am here writing because it hurts and somehow writing about my pain and sharing it makes me feel a little bit better on the off chance that somebody else will read it and identify with it. That they might feel a little less alone. I know my siblings understand, I have the BEST siblings, but when I write that's how I deal. That's my therapy. I write hard and fast and get it all out.  

  I have found myself in a position yet again where my life is in chaos through no fault of my own. What's the point? What's the purpose of it all? How could one person have to deal with so much in one short year? I know so many others that have suffered with such difficult things. Some far worse than anything I've been through. So again I ask, why? These are good people I'm talking about! 

  My mom has lived a hard life. She's had many challenges and heartaches. I've seen her step up and do what needs to be done no matter how tired she was. Then in the evenings or early mornings when everything is quiet she would cry. She would cry to the Lord on her knees asking for more strength, desiring only to do His will. When I heard of her cancer I was angry. She doesn't need to be tested anymore! She shouldn't have to suffer anymore! Why can't she just have a little taste of what it's like to be carefree? What I've come to realize is that her cancer is not a punishment. It is not some final test that she has to pass. I don't know why she has stage four lung cancer. What I do know is that Heavenly Father loves her! He has been with her every step of the way. He is saddened to see her in pain. It is through her cancer that He is showing her His power. It is through her cancer that He is bringing her even closer to Him. She has been told as much in a priesthood blessing and I have felt His love for her. My sister, Laura, once told me in the middle of my crisis that Heavenly Father had me in the cradle of His hand. Those words pierced my soul and I could feel the truth of that statement fill every part of me. Once again I feel that same divine truth all around me. This time it is my mom that is in the cradle of His hand. When I am with her I am in the presence of many who have gone on before. The veil is thin and I can feel them comforting her, watching out for her. She is so loved!

   So how does this all apply to me, to you? It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Heavenly Father's power. As we suffer and we feel broken down with no where else to go, we can become more receptive to the Spirit. I know this to be true because I have seen it in my life this last year. I feel almost as if Heavenly Father was saying, "Trust Me my child, let Me show you My power. Watch as I take care of you." When I have had literally no money, miraculously He has provided again and again. When I have had no strength left in me, He has heard my cries and given me strength to stand. When I haven't known the answers, He has provided them to me in very clear and distinct ways. He has brought complete strangers into my life that have taken care of me in one way or another. I have absolutely seen miracles! 

   It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Savior's love for us. I have ached and I continue to ache. I will always have things in my life that make me ache. When I feel that pain and I kneel in prayer I am reminded of One who not only understood my pain but literally felt it. Guys he felt every single one of our pains. Every person on the planet! That is huge! I have very little comprehension for it but the more life experience I gain and the more difficult things I experience the more gratitude I feel for Him. I know more about His love now than I did after I found out about the abuse, or when my dad died. Each new trial brings a little more comprehension for His love and a lot more gratitude for Him. 

   I know this is going to sound like a bunch of bologna to some of you and frankly sometimes it sounds like bologna to me but I would go through every hardship I've ever had all over again to be where I am today. To know Him a little better than I did. My relationship with Him, however limited it may be, is that sweet! I know as I go through these hard times that I will come to know Him a little bit more. 

   So what is the point? Why do good people have to suffer? Is it some big test or punishment? I know we are told we are sent here to be tested and I believe that but sometimes I think it's different than that. Sometimes I think the point is to learn of Heavenly Father's power and to learn of Christ's love more fully. To become humble and meek. To experience some of the miracles in my life I had to go through some pain first. I had to become humble. I would not even have been in a position to receive them had I not. I am grateful for those miracles! I am grateful to have witnessed God's power in my life! I am grateful for our Savior's love! It doesn't seem fair or right that some people should suffer the way that they do but when I look at it from a different perspective, an eternal one, I see that the reward is FAR GREATER than any pain we may experience here on earth.  

   

  

The Little Things

 

  Life has a way of surprising you even when you think nothing could shock you. A few weeks ago my family received some terrible news: My mom has lung cancer. My mom who has never smoked a day in her life has LUNG cancer! It has been a crazy couple of weeks as you can imagine. Doctors appointments, school, kids. I never saw this coming. I had assumed given the year I have already had that I was safe from anything else; my family was safe from anything else. Life can be downright discouraging sometimes. I have had days where I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I have felt so completely heartbroken and empty at times that I physically felt like my insides were falling apart. There have been moments and even days when I didn't know if the pain would ever end. Sometimes I have thought the pain was finally over only to be hit with another wave of it.Why this? Why now?  
  At the end of any relationship I feel like there is some degree of damage. I spent nine years in an unhealthy relationship. You can't stay in an unhealthy relationship that long without a lot of sacrifice and losing a piece of yourself. I had forgotten what made me, me. I had lost my passion for life. I had forgotten what it felt like to have dreams and goals. When January came and everything hit the fan I was this shell of a person. I had given everything I had, all of my energy, to making this toxic marriage work. When that day came, as awful as it was, I began to find my strength again. I found my voice and little by little I have only added to that strength. Along the way I have used many little things to fill in the broken cracks and keep me moving. And again now that I'm dealing with another hardship I rely on the little things to get me through.
  Music has always been a big part of my life. I find strength from good lyrics. A couple of days after I found out about the abuse I created a playlist called, "stronger, braver, fearless". As time has gone on and I've healed from that trial I find myself using that same playlist to draw strength as I deal with my mom's cancer.
  I have a few necklaces that I wear when I feel like I need some extra strength. I put on my necklaces like a piece of armor.

, "Be Brave: Follow your arrow wherever it points".

I have another one like the arrow except it's an anchor and it says:

"Strength: Refuse to Sink"

      One day not too long after I had told my friends about what I was going through my two friends, Tory and Jaynee, pulled me aside at mutual and gave me a little box with this necklace in it.

It says, "I am a warrior"

   I obviously love good quotes and have spent a lot of time reading faith affirming quotes that I could gain strength from. Words have power. My pinterest board titled, "Quote Love" has nearly 500 quotes and counting. 

    There is a picture hanging up in my home that I look at often. It is of Christ walking on the water. I have looked at this picture many times these last few weeks and thought to myself about Peter. "Lord save me!" I know He is there with His hand outstretched to me even though I feel like I am sinking. I often reflect on the feelings I shared in this post, "Be Still". 

  An empowering song, a necklace, a picture, a good quote. I know these seem like really simple, trivial things but they gave me strength and continue to do so. I have struggled to understand what Heavenly Father's plan is for me. I have even wondered at times if my life was some sort of sick joke. More faith has been required of me than I even knew I had. When I don't think I have anymore to give, when I feel completely depleted I am being asked to give even more. I am constantly having to dig a little deeper. It's been surprising to me how much these little things have helped me to find not only my inner strength but my joy for life despite the difficulties I face. 

   Perhaps the little thing that gives me the most joy and strength are my memories and tender little moments. The time my mom and I treated each other for lice and laughed and cried simultaneously. Watching my brother experience pure joy at a rock concert. My sons little voice singing, "I Love to See the Temple" on a drive. A hug from my sister after seeing her for the first time since we learned of my mom's cancer. Simply sitting by my brother on the couch and teasing each other like we were kids. A cupcake war with close friends and frosting everywhere. Dancing in the kitchen with my sister. Holding a chubby, little Olaf hand as we go trick-or-treating. Sweet little love notes from my daughter. Rubbing my mama's back during church. These little moments I hold on to. My memories are magic that make the hard times in life sweet.

  On Halloween my mom celebrated her 69th birthday. I gave her an arrow necklace of her own. I have watched her take this terrible news in stride. She has so much faith and is an incredibly strong woman but I have seen fear in her eyes. I know she is afraid of what the cancer is doing to her body. I know she is afraid of time, of how much of it she might have. There is simply no way with our mortal minds to fully comprehend the why's of life. All we can do is have faith in Heavenly timing and a Father who is mindful of our pain. Some days my faith feels like it's on short supply and that's where these little things come in. They fill in the cracks and carry me over until I gain more understanding. My hope for her and for any of you that are dealing with challenges in life is that you find the little things in your life that help you to be a little braver, a little stronger, and live life a little more fearlessly. As someone once told me, "when you are going through difficult times in life look for the tender mercies in life and then whatever you do remember them! Draw on them for strength. Never forget!" 

The Question All Christians Should Ask : "Am I a Christian?"

   

    Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, Nic Butterfield. What do these 3 people have in common? One is famous and is used to being in the public eye. Another is a mother from Arizona who I know very little about. Finally the last is my ex whom I know a lot about and he is pretty well known in the valley where we live. What links these three together? They are all Christians whose mistakes have been made public. They have all been judged very harshly by other people who are Christian as well.
   What is a Christian? Let's look at the basic definition:

 

Chris·tian

ˈkrisCHən/

noun

plural noun: Christians

1. a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings

 

 "A believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings". That stuck out to me. On my own path to forgiveness for Nic I have thought a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Jesus taught a lot of things many of which I still don't fully comprehend. I don't claim to be an expert on His life although I am daily trying to learn more about Him. We learn through the scriptures repeatedly that Jesus taught about love. Jesus taught about compassion. Jesus taught about forgiveness. The Sermon on the Mount is a terrific example of a time that He taught these virtues.

 

 

Matthew 5:38-40

 

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

 

Matthew 5: 43-44

 

43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

Matthew 7:1-5

 

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 

At the Last Supper He, again, gives counsel to love one another.

 

John 13: 34-35

 

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    

  I could go on. There are so many accounts in the scriptures where Jesus tells us to love one another. To forgive our enemies. Not to place judgment.

  I have seen so many people say such awful hateful things. I'm not the type to be hateful and never have been but I have been guilty of placing judgment. Before this experience of abuse in my own life my perspective towards obvious sin was very different. If someone made an obvious mistake then I could be quick to jump on the band wagon of casting blame. I had moments where I was an "eye for an eye" kind of person. I am ashamed of those thoughts and thinking patterns. When Nic was sentenced they published it in the paper and the online media forums for the paper. I made the mistake of reading some of the comments below. It made me physically ill. What he did was heinous but when did it become okay to wish for a complete stranger to die?

 Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, and Nic Butterfield have all been publically and openly judged. They have varying levels of mistakes. In Cherish's case it was just that, a mistake. Nic and Josh have actually sinned. Whatever the reason or cause, when did it become okay to point fingers and condemn someone? Where in the scriptures does Christ give us permission to call someone a terrible mother? Where does Christ say it's okay to hate someone we don't even know? Where does it say it's okay to hate period? I do feel compassion for Josh Duggar. It is a heart wrenching and grievous thing his family is now having to endure as a result of his choices. I feel so much empathy for his wife. He has obviously made some horrible mistakes and choices but I am not perfect. I cannot cast a stone. There needs to be consequences. I am a firm believer in being accountable for ALL of our choices. If I didn't believe in accountability I would not have gone to such great lengths in my life to see that Nic was held accountable. What I cannot and do not support is spreading judgment and hate. Instead of name calling and labeling how much better would this world be if we sought for solutions for the problem. How can we stop abuse? Does calling him an explicit term do anything to keep it from happening to someone else? No! Stand  up and choose to make a difference. Stand up and choose to think a little deeper about motivations and the cause of the problem. When we choose to expand our thoughts beyond judgment and hate we will find solutions to problems. When we choose to embrace love and seek His help then we can make a difference! Be more intelligent then the ignorance of hatred!

   If we want this world to become a better place then we need to teach our children to follow Christ. To really love one another including our enemies and those we don't understand. I will never fully understand or comprehend  Nic's choices but I don't need to. It doesn't say love your enemy only if you understand them. Comprehension for someone's behavior is not required in order to have compassion for them. Initially there was a lot of anger. Finally I had to look inside myself and really question ,"Am I a Christian? What does that mean?"

   Bottom line no matter what it is, sin or innocent mistake ; stop passing judgment! Stop spreading hate! If we claim to be Christians then we need to try a little harder and make more of an effort to forgive and love EVERYBODY! Will I love perfectly like Christ did? Probably not. But I can sure be better then I have been before.

  A friend of mine shared this quote today on a facebook group page that is supporting Cherish with the hashtag of #istandwithcherish or as I like to call it #stopspreadinghate #nojudgment #compassion #iamaChristian #loveoneanother

 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

~Marvin J. Ashton

 

 

 

 

 

 

Falling Apart

 There have been so many little ironies in my life these last few months. Over time I've come to believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. Remember when I went to the lawyer to file for divorce and our song came on the radio? Well that was the first of many ironies that Heavenly Father placed in my life. Nic had just been arrested and the automated notification system informed me that his first court appearance was scheduled for our oldest son's birthday, April 7th. His second appearance was scheduled for our daughter's birthday, April 24th. I thought, "you've got to be kidding me". By the time his sentencing was scheduled I wasn't the least bit surprised when they told me it would be on June 23rd, our 9th wedding anniversary.
  The week before his sentencing I was a complete wreck. I was constantly praying and fasting for the right thing to happen for our little family. One day I had just gotten home from the grocery store and was sitting in the car still when I received a phone call from the victim witness coordinator. (A fancy term for middle man between me and the prosecuting attorney). She wanted me to know that they had completed Nic's psychosexual evaluation. (A psychosexual evaluation is an extensive evaluation that helps them to determine how likely someone is to reoffend. They take all kinds of things into consideration: past offenses, their personal sex lives, drug and alcohol use, and even personality traits such as chauvinism.) The next sentence out of her mouth shocked me to the core, "He came back as high risk to reoffend in part because of his alcohol use." It took me a minute to process what she was saying, "I'm sorry what?........... Alcohol usage? Are you sure you're looking at Nic's file? He bragged about never drinking even a drop of alcohol." She confirmed that ,yes, it was Nic's file. I got off the phone and completely lost it. Who was I married to? It wasn't even the fact that he drank that really got me. It was the secrecy and the duplicity. I had lived with a complete stranger! I didn't even know Nic. I was angry, hurt, and angry again. "How dare he! How could I be so blind? How could I be so stupid? When did he drink? How did I not know? I'm such a naïve fool!" My mind was racing.
  That same night was a Relief Society meeting at which Ashlee Birk was the keynote speaker. My friend Shannon had arranged for her to speak to her ward and graciously invited any who wanted to attend to come. Ashlee also has a blog called The Moments We Stand. I highly recommend that you go check it out! You will not regret it and you will find that before you know it hours have passed by and you're still reading.  I mentioned her in my very first post. She is part of the reason I started my blog. Her faith and testimony inspired me so much and helped me to realize that I wasn't alone. Anyway, I had the opportunity to meet her that night and I had been looking forward to it for weeks! The spirit was strong and Ashlee was even more amazing in person! She is very beautiful but even more so in person because she radiates kindness and light. As she spoke I related so much to what was being said. She talked about her own betrayal and I was literally sobbing. When she finished I pulled it together (lie, I only thought I did) and approached her and introduced myself. I had to let her know how much she had helped me. I was shocked when she gave me a hug. With that one act of kindness I fell apart. All of the stress I had felt from that day and yet another secret Nic had kept came pouring out. In hindsight I feel kind of bad for Ashlee. haha! I was totally a sobbing crazy lady spilling my guts. If she was freaked out she didn't show it. She didn't even blink or hesitate to console me and give me yet another hug. That night as I replayed it in my head I was humiliated. I had fallen apart in front of so many people I knew in my stake and to this poor woman who I treated like a celebrity. I was a mess!
  Shortly after starting this blog I attended a stake function and so many people began to approach me and tell me they'd read my blog and how it had helped them. I started getting a lot of attention for the things I was writing. It was odd to me that my story and my voice was so impactful and that what I had to say people found of worth. It was weird driving home that night thinking about my blog and the impact it was having. People I didn't know very well were telling me their stories and trusting me with their pain. I felt so overwhelmingly grateful and incredibly inspired by the things they had gone through. I also felt this personal confirmation that I was right where I was supposed to be and this blog was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I cried peaceful tears the whole way home.
   I have now been on both ends of the "falling apart". I have been the one to fall apart and I have been the one listening as someone else fell apart. I want every single reader to know that you don't need to feel foolish for a second! By all means fall apart! I have been there and I feel honored and blessed to learn from you and the things you've been through. I am no "celebrity" (for lack of a better term) no matter how many people read my blog or how many people know my name. I am simply a friend who understands pain. I am a listening ear. I am just a normal girl trying my best to be in the right place at the right time so that I might serve and comfort others the way I have been served and comforted. I am not better than anyone else. Every good thing I've done, everything noteworthy I've said has come from Heavenly Father! Give Him the credit, not me! He puts the words in my mouth, He prompts me to say the right thing. Often as I'm writing thoughts just come to my mind mid post and I know it's His gentle guidance directing me as to what to write. If there's any credit to be given to me it is that occasionally I am humble enough to act on the promptings of the spirit.
   The best place to fall apart is on your knees. I have felt like I was literally falling apart before. My heart has ached in my chest and I have doubted my ability to handle my life. I have been broken. Shattered. Lying on the floor completely numb for hours. Empty. Insecure. Lonely, a lot of lonely. Inadequate. OVERWHELMED. All of these things have plagued my soul at one time or another and caused me to fall apart. When you fall apart on your knees you are given strength that only Heavenly Father can give! That only the atonement can provide! I told you to not feel ashamed to fall apart to me. With even greater conviction I say don't be afraid to fall apart to Heavenly Father! In fact I beg you to fall apart to Heavenly Father. He wants to be there for you! Think about your own children and/or loved ones. Who do you love the most? Who would you do anything for? Now how would you feel if they didn't tell you something they were struggling with and you knew you could help them? I have withheld things here and there over the years from my family because I was ashamed to tell them. Guess what? They love me no matter what I do! Multiply that love by infinity and you get how much Heavenly Father loves us and wants to help us. It is great to have family and friends to be there for you and even strangers like Ashlee. We are tools for Heavenly Father. I have recently had some neat experiences that reminded me how true that is. However, we should not neglect our Heavenly Father. I have expressed myself to someone before and then neglected to actually express myself to Heavenly Father. He should be the first place we turn. The first place we fall apart. We can't really be healed unless we do turn it over to Him in prayer because the atonement of our Savior is the only power that can really heal us. Falling apart is nothing to be ashamed of! We have all done it at some time or another. It is my testimony that when I turn to my Heavenly Father in prayer that I know He hears me and loves me. I know He has been longing to console his child as every good father does. I challenge you to fall apart to Him every time and allow yourself to feel His love as He soothes His child.