The Last Christmas

 It all started with a lamb...

   I will never forget last Christmas as long as I live. It was the last Christmas we would spend together as a family. Nic and I were struggling a little financially and our marriage had seen better days. By this point Nic was already in deep trouble and it reflected through his actions. Things that should have been so joyful with our little kids were very painful. One December day I had the notion that for family home evening we should go pick out a tree at the local tree lot. Nic didn't think that sounded like a fun idea and was very obstinate. With a guilty conscience I think he felt like a fraud when we did things together as a family. He finally consented, I believe his exact words were, "fine I'll go but only if you get all the kids ready and loaded in the van by yourself". Desperate to get a tree and make a fun memory for the kids I did my best to try to ignore his mood. I got the kids ready and loaded. In the three short blocks to the tree lot he continued to make grumpy comments and my sensitive nature couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry and I pleaded with him to try to cheer up so we wouldn't ruin this for the kids. He never did cheer up. We ended up with a tree that night but I decorated it alone after the kids went to bed with tears streaming down my face and a broken heart. I couldn't understand what was wrong with Nic. I silently prayed for some understanding, some comfort so that I might be able to salvage the Christmas season.
   The very next day someone knocked on the door as I was cleaning up dinner. I opened the door to discover no one there and a small present on the welcome mat. It was a piece to a nativity set, I believe a lamb with a quote attached to it. Every day from there on we received another piece to the nativity set. The notes attached were always so sweet and often tears would fill my eyes as I contemplated the role each character played. The kids and I would wait in anticipation every evening and guess which piece we would receive next. They would shriek with delight every time we heard the knock at the door. The sweetness and magic of Christmas was brought back into our home. My heart was so grateful and I loved placing each piece so carefully on top of the piano. You see, I had never had a nativity set and I'd always wanted one and boy was this one beautiful!
   To this day I have no clue who gave us that nativity set. What I do know is that they were an answer to my prayers. They probably didn't have any idea the concerns that were in my heart. From the outside we appeared to be a happy family. They didn't know that their precious gift would touch my heart and create a lasting impression on my kids. They couldn't have known that Nic was in trouble and that in one short month our whole world would blow up. What could've been an absolutely terrible Christmas turned out to be one filled with magic and the love of Christ. It was a true testament to me that our Heavenly Father does answer prayers. He couldn't change what Nic had already chosen but He could comfort my aching heart. That nativity set has become one of my most prized possessions, not because it's beautiful, but because it is a gentle reminder to me of the true meaning of Christmas. No matter what's going on every time I look at that manger scene a quiet peace spreads throughout my body and the spirit whispers to me, "this is what it's all about, be still". How grateful I am for the birth of the Christ child! Surely this is why He was born, to heal and mend our broken hearts.

The Little Things

 

  Life has a way of surprising you even when you think nothing could shock you. A few weeks ago my family received some terrible news: My mom has lung cancer. My mom who has never smoked a day in her life has LUNG cancer! It has been a crazy couple of weeks as you can imagine. Doctors appointments, school, kids. I never saw this coming. I had assumed given the year I have already had that I was safe from anything else; my family was safe from anything else. Life can be downright discouraging sometimes. I have had days where I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I have felt so completely heartbroken and empty at times that I physically felt like my insides were falling apart. There have been moments and even days when I didn't know if the pain would ever end. Sometimes I have thought the pain was finally over only to be hit with another wave of it.Why this? Why now?  
  At the end of any relationship I feel like there is some degree of damage. I spent nine years in an unhealthy relationship. You can't stay in an unhealthy relationship that long without a lot of sacrifice and losing a piece of yourself. I had forgotten what made me, me. I had lost my passion for life. I had forgotten what it felt like to have dreams and goals. When January came and everything hit the fan I was this shell of a person. I had given everything I had, all of my energy, to making this toxic marriage work. When that day came, as awful as it was, I began to find my strength again. I found my voice and little by little I have only added to that strength. Along the way I have used many little things to fill in the broken cracks and keep me moving. And again now that I'm dealing with another hardship I rely on the little things to get me through.
  Music has always been a big part of my life. I find strength from good lyrics. A couple of days after I found out about the abuse I created a playlist called, "stronger, braver, fearless". As time has gone on and I've healed from that trial I find myself using that same playlist to draw strength as I deal with my mom's cancer.
  I have a few necklaces that I wear when I feel like I need some extra strength. I put on my necklaces like a piece of armor.

, "Be Brave: Follow your arrow wherever it points".

I have another one like the arrow except it's an anchor and it says:

"Strength: Refuse to Sink"

      One day not too long after I had told my friends about what I was going through my two friends, Tory and Jaynee, pulled me aside at mutual and gave me a little box with this necklace in it.

It says, "I am a warrior"

   I obviously love good quotes and have spent a lot of time reading faith affirming quotes that I could gain strength from. Words have power. My pinterest board titled, "Quote Love" has nearly 500 quotes and counting. 

    There is a picture hanging up in my home that I look at often. It is of Christ walking on the water. I have looked at this picture many times these last few weeks and thought to myself about Peter. "Lord save me!" I know He is there with His hand outstretched to me even though I feel like I am sinking. I often reflect on the feelings I shared in this post, "Be Still". 

  An empowering song, a necklace, a picture, a good quote. I know these seem like really simple, trivial things but they gave me strength and continue to do so. I have struggled to understand what Heavenly Father's plan is for me. I have even wondered at times if my life was some sort of sick joke. More faith has been required of me than I even knew I had. When I don't think I have anymore to give, when I feel completely depleted I am being asked to give even more. I am constantly having to dig a little deeper. It's been surprising to me how much these little things have helped me to find not only my inner strength but my joy for life despite the difficulties I face. 

   Perhaps the little thing that gives me the most joy and strength are my memories and tender little moments. The time my mom and I treated each other for lice and laughed and cried simultaneously. Watching my brother experience pure joy at a rock concert. My sons little voice singing, "I Love to See the Temple" on a drive. A hug from my sister after seeing her for the first time since we learned of my mom's cancer. Simply sitting by my brother on the couch and teasing each other like we were kids. A cupcake war with close friends and frosting everywhere. Dancing in the kitchen with my sister. Holding a chubby, little Olaf hand as we go trick-or-treating. Sweet little love notes from my daughter. Rubbing my mama's back during church. These little moments I hold on to. My memories are magic that make the hard times in life sweet.

  On Halloween my mom celebrated her 69th birthday. I gave her an arrow necklace of her own. I have watched her take this terrible news in stride. She has so much faith and is an incredibly strong woman but I have seen fear in her eyes. I know she is afraid of what the cancer is doing to her body. I know she is afraid of time, of how much of it she might have. There is simply no way with our mortal minds to fully comprehend the why's of life. All we can do is have faith in Heavenly timing and a Father who is mindful of our pain. Some days my faith feels like it's on short supply and that's where these little things come in. They fill in the cracks and carry me over until I gain more understanding. My hope for her and for any of you that are dealing with challenges in life is that you find the little things in your life that help you to be a little braver, a little stronger, and live life a little more fearlessly. As someone once told me, "when you are going through difficult times in life look for the tender mercies in life and then whatever you do remember them! Draw on them for strength. Never forget!" 

Broke and Grateful

  

   With Nic in prison for five years that means no child support. I was well aware of that fact when I made the decision to turn him in. I didn't know how I would provide for my kids but I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of us. He definitely has but that doesn't mean it has always been easy. I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born. I have little job experience and no degree. It has been difficult, to say the least, to figure out my finances. After getting married I got pregnant pretty quickly. It had always been my goal to be a stay at home mom and to then pursue a college degree when the kids were all in school. My perfect little plan didn't work out and now I find myself between a rock and a hard place. It is hard for me to blog about this. I don't want people to pity me and I'm not asking for handouts. I have a pride problem and I strongly dislike asking for help financially.

    One day this last spring I was reading my scriptures and I came across a particular passage that touched me. I was so concerned about money and providing for my kids. It was overwhelming.
    
Matthew 6:28-33

 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shallhe not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

.  Despite my pride Heavenly Father has found a way to bless my little family and take care of us. I had some money from tax returns that I stretched as long as I could. When that was gone I held a yard sale and sold stuff online. I had a kind woman from my past send me a check for $500.00 and at another point I received another $500.00 from some relatives. At my daughter's baptism someone slipped a $100.00 bill in my purse. A friend paid my utility bills for a while. My mom has paid my lawyer's fees. A family member has taken care of all of my gas expenses for the car for the last couple of months. My car broke down on two different occasions and my mom paid for it one time and the next time another family member paid for it. A family friend mailed me a check for another $100.00 not that long ago. When the kids started school a couple of family members took them clothes shopping. Since moving to Utah a friend of mine even bought a dresser for the boys room! I feel like I have been the queen of handouts and it has about killed me and my pride! I have been humbled more times then I can count. Each time someone has helped me they have done so with no hesitation and they always insist that it's really okay. More often than not they have volunteered to help without me even asking.

 Many times I have prayed, "Heavenly Father please help me to know what to do to take care of my kids both financially and emotionally". The timing wasn't right for me to get a job because I wasn't supposed to be in Idaho and my kids needed me to be around. They had already lost one parent and they weren't ready for me to be gone a lot too. This was made clear to me one night when I went to check on my oldest son at bedtime. He was lying on his bed staring straight up at the ceiling and I could tell something was bothering him. "What's wrong buddy?" Nothing, dead silence. This was not uncommon for him. He had a very difficult time processing his feelings and would often shut down. After lying next to him for a few minutes he finally came out with it, "Mom if you're going to go to work and school who will take care of us? When will we see you? We don't see daddy anymore." One tiny tear trickled down his cheek. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I had no idea this little boy was harboring so many fears. I did my best to comfort him and when he finally fell asleep I laid there in the dark silently crying. How do I be all things to these kids? How do I provide for all of their needs?

   Because of so many of you I haven't had to do it all on my own. I have been able to be there for my kids the way they've needed me. I've seen light come back into their eyes and smiles come back to their faces. As I type this I can't help but cry because as a mother you have no idea what it means to me that I have been able to be the one to comfort them. They are healing and I believe they are finally ready to let go of me a little more. 

   Last week I had $2 in my wallet and about $20 in my bank account. I had just told my sister to go ahead and pawn my wedding ring. The mail came and I received a sweet note from an anonymous reader of this blog and a very generous donation via cashier's check. I immediately fell to my knees in prayer and sobbed with gratitude.  I want that person to know that I will keep that note forever! Because of that donation I will be able to afford a certification class that I needed in order to pursue my career as a nurse. I will be able to buy my kids coats for the winter. My heart is forever touched by that act of kindness. I vowed to myself that day that I will do the same thing for someone else one day. 

   I often drive up to a spot at night where I can see the whole valley and all of the city lights. When I'm there I turn off the car and just think and ponder on all of the ways God has directed my life. I can see His hand so clearly in my life. Every single thing that didn't work out was for a reason. There have been little signs pointing me in a certain direction almost daily. I sit and I think about the way God has answered my prayers through all of you. I feel so small in a big and beautiful world and I can see so much opportunity and goodness in my future. My life is hard but it is unfolding so beautifully. I am doing things I never thought I was capable of doing. I am growing and evolving. I am learning to be more compassionate and in the process I am finding my passion. None of this would be possible without the incredible people who've helped me along the way! We are truly here to serve and help each other along. I feel so very blessed and fortunate that as I've done my best and still fallen short that my prayers have been heard and answered by so many of you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mine is a gratitude that will last through the eternities. 


This song came to my mind while thinking about all of those who have helped me. It is my hope and deepest wish to help others the way I have been helped. Because of the compassion I've been shown my heart has been changed. I feel a deep need inside of me to help others. How can I be a heart in the right place? How can I make someone's day a little brighter? As we turn to the Savior I know he will direct us to those who are in need. I have made a very good friend during this process who has simply listened to the promptings of the spirit and following those promptings led our paths to cross. To make a long story short because of this friendship things have come about that have helped me to forgive Nic and I have gained more confidence in who I am and my life moving forward. There is no way this person could have become my friend without listening to the spirit. There are no coincidences! Align yourself spiritually and listen to those promptings that come to you and you can be a heart in the right place. There is someone you can help "not too far from here". 

"Not Too Far From Here"

Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest, while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds, the road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
(Not too far)
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Now I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To every needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here
(Not too far)

Someone is waiting
(Waiting)
Not too far from here

I Forgive You

   I filed for divorce in February and a little over six months later I am still married. Our divorce has been an ugly process. We have continually debated back and forth about what was fair. I felt like I wasn't the one that made the mistake and I had all four kids to take care of alone so I should get everything. I had quite a few people, my lawyer included, who believed the same. This was, after all, a case of abuse. Every single time I would suggest something and Nic would turn it down I would get so hurt. "Why can't he just see he's wrong and make amends by letting me have what I want?" I felt like I had forgiven him or at least made good progress but he simply wouldn't let me go. Hearing after hearing, week after week it continued. That was a good majority of the reason I was so emotionally exhausted last week. I wanted it to be done and behind me. I felt trapped.
   Last week after a few different conversations with a few different people I began to question the sincerity of the forgiveness I thought I had for Nic. I had told anybody who would listen that I wanted Nic to repent and redeem himself but did I? Did I forgive him if his repenting meant he'd be an active part of the kids life someday? Did I really want him around? When I was really honest with myself I didn't. I was still angry. I didn't even realize how angry I was. I felt like because I wasn't bashing him and speaking ill of him that I must not be angry, right? Wrong. Truth be told I was only willing to forgive him if he did things exactly the way I thought he should. Even then I wanted him to just set us free. He had lost his right to be a part of our lives, in my opinion, the moment he made the choice to abuse our daughter. I wanted him to go away and just let us be happy. Is that really forgiveness? Am I his judge? Do I get to say when he is or isn't repentant? These things all went through my mind last week.
   Flash forward to this morning. I was getting ready and a Kelly Clarkson song came on titled, "Already Gone".

              "Already Gone"

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ah already gone, already gone, already gone
Ah already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

 I had skipped this song every time it played in the past. It used to bug me that it said, "you couldn't have loved me better". I would get upset and think that's a lie he could've. This time I decided to listen to it. It wasn't long before my heart started softening and I began to connect with the lyrics. I didn't want us to burn out. I was sick of hurting him. I can't make it feel right because I know it's wrong. I was and am already gone. Then a flood of good memories of Nic came to my mind all at once. In those good memories he really couldn't have loved me better. The next thing I knew my anger was gone. Poof! In it's place was compassion. He did make his bed. He was wrong but it didn't matter. I felt compassion for him all the same. All of the hurtful things, even the abuse didn't excuse me from really forgiving him. For so long I was caught up on what was fair when it didn't even matter. Nothing about this was fair! It wasn't about being fair. It was about forgiveness and compassion. The best part was that it was a peaceful feeling. I was moved and touched but I didn't cry and sob over the pain or the loss. My eyes welled a little but only with gratitude to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for lifting this burden off of me. One more time in my life in ,perhaps, an even more powerful way I have learned that THE ATONEMENT IS REAL!
  I felt an urgency to talk to Nic. To tell him how I felt so we could make amends and move on. I called his mom and asked her if next time she talked to Nic she would tell him to call me. She agreed and we talked on the phone for quite a while about forgiveness. Finally she just invited me to come over. We made plans to go to the library and do some shopping. I loaded the kids up and headed that direction. When I got there she immediately handed me the phone. Was there even a question who it was? Heavenly Father, working His magic again, had orchestrated the timing so perfectly. She couldn't call him but it just so happened that Nic called at that exact moment. I was excited to tell him that I forgave him not even knowing how the rest of the divorce would go or how he felt. I told him I forgave him and that I was sorry that we wasted so much time and money in court. I told him I hoped he would get better and repent and I meant it with all of my heart. I told him I loved him but I couldn't love him romantically and hadn't for a long time. I loved him as a child of God. I loved him as the father of my children. I loved him as a piece of my life that made me who I am. I told him I needed to protect the kids first and foremost and that creating our new life was my priority and had to be now. He cried. He too was sorry. He had been praying for us and he was beyond grateful that I had forgiven him. He backed me up 100% as a mother and supported all the decisions I needed to make. We both felt so much peace from that conversation and felt united that this was what was best for the kids.
  Not long after that I got a phone call from my lawyer. He had sent me a copy of Nic's response to my most recent proposition for the divorce. Last week before talking to me Nic had agreed to all of my terms except one. On that one term he came back with an idea that was even better for the kids. His response reflected that of someone who was sorry. Actions and words were aligned. Of course I agreed to the terms and the divorce is on it's way to being finalized.
  I feel so blessed! How fortunate I am that my marriage is ending on this note. A week ago I would've thrown a party and been so excited to be done with it simply because I was free of Nic. Today I am humbled. My attitude has changed. I am still grateful to be able to move on and create my new life. This is right. We aren't supposed to be together. I don't love him the way a wife should. There is somebody else out there for me. However, today I feel grateful that we care about each other enough to let each other go. We are allowing each other to be happy. We have made the choice to do what's best for our children. There is so much peace that comes with that decision.
   Nic did some horrible things (I wasn't perfect either) and I don't know what he'll choose for his future. I don't know if he really will continue down this path of repentance. What I do know is that today I found forgiveness without even knowing what would happen with the divorce. Today I realized forgiveness has no strings attached. It's not really forgiveness if it's predicated on them fulfilling certain expectations. Forgiveness has no expectations. I was fortunate enough that it worked out well for me but I wasn't expecting it to when I forgave him. Forgiveness is a gift, a tender mercy. I call it a tender mercy because it really was. I couldn't force it to happen, believe me I tried. It just came. I don't know why it happened the way it did for me but I do know that my entire day was orchestrated around forgiveness. Heavenly Father's hand guided my day and again I'm even more sure that He is in control of my life as I submit myself to His will.
   Most of you know I have been reading Jesus the Christ and as I've been reading about Christ's final days of His life I have been overwhelmed with His ability to love and forgive those that have persecuted him. When the Roman soldiers came to arrest Him in Gethsemane Peter smote one of them on the ear with a sword. Peter's actions were in defense of His beloved Savior. I can honestly relate to that instinct to protect those I love. Would we not all feel a desire to protect our innocent loved one from evil? In response Christ steps forward and heals his ear then rebukes Peter, "all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be? The cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?" Christ not only forgives this Roman soldier for coming to take Him to His death but He goes a step further and heals his ear.
   Again this is but one example of many that illustrates perfect love and forgiveness. Christ was the ultimate example of forgiveness! Withholding true forgiveness was like Peter taking the sword. It was a choice on my part to fight instead of submitting to the will of the Father. We have been commanded to forgive all men, was I exempt from this commandment? Surely I can try to follow the Savior's example and show some compassion after forgiveness. The Savior's example teaches that the two virtues go hand in hand.
  With all of this being said; forgiveness is a process. It doesn't come as quickly to some as it does to others. Be patient with yourself and realize it takes time. How much time is not always our choice. Keep praying for forgiveness. Study forgiveness. Study the Savior's life and one day the atonement will take the pain and the anger away from you.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you."

  During my senior year of high school my English teacher (who was amazing by the way) asked the class to write a paper on the challenges or monsters we fight in our lives. We had just finished reading the classic, "Beowulf" and she wanted us to parallel it to our lives somehow. My paper was titled, "The Death Demon". I unloaded all of my grief from the previous summer and the loss of my dad in that paper. I hated death! I had a really unhealthy fear of death. I was living in this black hole of grief that was all consuming. I went through the motions but up felt like down and down felt like up. I had a very strong testimony that helped me deal with some of my grief, however, the grief always came back and pounded on me like a drum. For years I wore a ring my dad had purchased for me and refused to take it off. In my mind if I took it off it was like saying I didn't need him anymore. I always bought the same mint chapstick that my dad used because it smelled like him. One day I had a panic attack because I couldn't remember what his laugh sounded like. How could I forget what his laugh sounded like? I searched everywhere for a video tape of him laughing and then cried uncontrollably as I watched it. All the while I still went to school, I still attended church, I hung out with friends and acted silly but inside I was dying. 
  The thing about grief is that everyone's grief is so unique and different. I am the youngest of nine kids. All of us siblings were drowning in grief but it was so very different for each of us even though we all were grieving the loss of the same man. Our grief was so deeply personal that we almost couldn't vocalize it to each other but yet there was an unspoken understanding between us. Our hearts spoke to each other when the words just couldn't come out. Everything we felt was often conveyed by one look into each other's eyes. 
  I write about grief today because it has recently come to my attention that a friend of mine is hurting from grief. The moment I realized what she has been silently enduring I retreated to my closet and sobbed for her. She lost someone truly special and I can only imagine what she goes through on a daily basis. Once you know that kind of pain you feel so much empathy anytime someone you know experiences it. It's been eleven years since my dad died and to this day every time someone I know and care about loses a loved one it pierces my heart with sadness for them. 
  A common phrase I heard when my dad died was ,"it's alright you will see him again, families are forever". So very true! Families ARE forever! However, this phrase never brought me comfort. I knew I would see him again but it wasn't alright because I wanted to see him right then, that very moment. I hold on dearly to this truth of eternal families. It is a lot of my motivation to live a good life. But when I'm really hurting and missing someone, when I'm aching because there is a hole in my heart what helps me most is the Atonement. Knowing that I wasn't alone in my pain was all I needed sometimes to make it through another day. When I was weak and depressed the Atonement is what made me strong. The only reason I was able to navigate my grief was because I turned it all over to Him in prayer. I cannot tell you how many thousands of prayers I have said pleading and begging for strength to understand. Asking for comfort when it seemed to be non existent. Without fail after a good prayer I would feel a little lighter. My grief was still very much there but I could make it through one more day, one more hour, until the next prayer. 
  I have had this grieving friend on my mind all day. How do I help her? What can I possibly do to make her load just a little lighter? Does she even realize how much I care and how much I feel for her? Today I opened up Jesus the Christ again and read about the last supper and Christ's betrayal. Multiple times the Savior comforted His disciples as they realized what was to come. As I read I thought about that last supper with a different perspective. Anyone who knows grief from losing a loved one can tell you that they replay every single final memory in their minds over and over again. Those memories become more precious than gold. Here is the Savior with His disciples and they know what is coming. They know that this is their last supper with Him. I can only imagine the palpable feeling of sadness in the air. Surely they were trying to soak up every detail and commit it to memory. The Savior sensed their sadness and comforted them.  

     "Observing the sorrowful state of the Eleven, the Master bade them be of good cheer, grounding their encouragement and hope on faith in Himself. “Let not your heart be troubled,” He said, “ye believe in God, believe also in me.” Then, as though drawing aside the veil between the earthly and the heavenly state and giving His faithful servants a glimpse of conditions beyond, He continued: “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know."

    
     The tenderness conveyed in Christ's message to His disciples is absolutely heart wrenching. Can you imagine your loved one, whom you know is going to die, telling you that they are going to prepare a place for you in Heaven? I'd like to think that's what they are all doing. It brings tears to my eyes to think of loved ones preparing for me in Heaven. Anxiously waiting to be reunited with me again. That thought takes a little sting out of the separation for me. 
    I am not doing Jesus the Christ any justice. If you are grieving and mourning the loss of a loved one I highly recommend you read Chapter 33. As I read this chapter so many comforting thoughts came to me specifically in regards to the loss of a loved one. Again the Savior comforts His disciples by saying, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you". That same peace He gave to them is available to all of us! Sometimes its a process and there is a lot of pain to work through before we get that peace. I don't pretend to know what grief is like for this friend of mine or anyone else for that matter. What I do know is that after years of gut wrenching pain every time I thought about my dad, I have finally found that peace. I still miss him but I feel more sweetness when I think of him than anything now. I am acutely aware of his influence in my life even still. A few months ago I was really struggling. I was feeling so alone and Father's day was approaching. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself or my kids on Father's day. I didn't have a dad and their dad wasn't allowed to see them. I felt like we had no reason to celebrate. I retreated to my closet in prayer yet again (you'll hear me say that a lot) and poured out my soul to Heavenly Father. Still on my knees in prayer I was silent and just listened for a while. I distinctly heard my own father say, "I love you too Buggins". Buggins was my nickname from him. I KNEW and still KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that he was there. He is around so much more than I realize. I felt him as if I were physically hugging him. I have never felt his presence that strongly as I did in that moment, eleven years after losing him. I don't know why then. I don't know why I had to wait eleven years for that. Regardless, peace came all the same on God's timing. 
    To this friend and anyone else struggling with these issues I say to you: I'm so sorry you are enduring such a loss. I'm so sorry I can't take it from you! I am so sorry that you know the "death demon". There is no one blanket statement that will make it better. Trusting in your Savior and turning over your pain to Him will eventually heal you. You will be whole again! Changed forever, but whole! It takes time and more patience and faith then anyone wants to have but it will come. When it does, when you have that tender mercy of peace placed in your heart the bitterness of death will be gone. The sting will go away. You will always be sad but it will not cripple you. You will read those words that the Savior so compassionately said to His disciples, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you" as if He said them specifically for you. Until that peace comes don't stop praying for it! He will comfort you enough to get through the next hour, the next day, the next minute. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be okay. Losing a loved one is not easy! Gradually you'll heal. One day I stopped buying that chapstick. A couple months later I took off the ring. These things weren't my dad and they couldn't bring him back. It's how I coped but I realized that he was always written on my heart. I might forget some things. Time has a way of doing that to the best of us. What I will NEVER forget is the love he had for me and I for him. What I will NEVER forget is the compassion and love the Savior has for me because He atoned for my pain. He bore the unimaginable so that I will never have to be alone in my grief and I can live with my dad again. 
  

Turning on the Light

    That first day I received the news is a blur. I remember snippets here and there. "He's sick, we need to get him some help." "She told the school counselor." I vaguely remember the detective and the social worker trying to distract me by talking about their pets as we were waiting for my sister to arrive. They needed her to come sign off as a third party witness to a "protection plan". The protection plan stated that Nic would not be allowed to be in the home or around the kids. Nic wasn't working that day and had gone shooting. I tried to call him several times but he didn't answer. Finally I called his parents. "I need you to come get Nic some stuff. (sob) CPS is here and a detective. They said he did something to our daughter." I choked out the words as best as a could. I can only imagine what my mother-in-law had going through her head as I dropped that bomb.
    My sister showed up and I fell apart. She was someone safe. Someone I could fall apart with. I saw her and instantly felt light and love coming from her. To me in that moment she was an angel coming to my rescue. She sat and listened to the social workers and absorbed all the information I couldn't because after that first sentence, "He touched your daughter inappropriately" I went into shock. Sometime during all of this my older kids came home from school. I can't tell you when. I can't tell you what they were doing during all of this. I know my sister and CPS just took care of them.
    Shortly after CPS and the detective left my in-laws showed up. They came upstairs to my room and I packed a bag for Nic. I asked my father-in-law for a priesthood blessing. Once again I can't remember what was said. Then the four of us decided to open a fast. We knelt around my bed and my sister offered the prayer. Again the love radiated from her. She truly felt godly sorrow for the situation and I knew that she loved Nic as a Child of God. I knew she wanted to take away my pain. I knew she was mindful of my babies and the changes this would bring to them.
    That evening people were in and out like crazy. My room became headquarters for discussing the sensitive information so the kids wouldn't hear. My dear friend Tory came over. The Bishop was called and came over. My brother was over most of the night. The service that was extended to me that night will NEVER be forgotten. I had painted our daughter's room earlier that morning and needed to put the curtain rod back up. I had planned on Nic doing it not realizing that wouldn't be an option. My brother stayed and put it up for me. He did little odd jobs here and there around the house to make my life easier. Tory and my sister Laura fed my kids dinner, did the dishes, cleaned the kids rooms, bathed the kids, and put them to bed all while comforting me.
    My sister went home to get an overnight bag so she could stay with me that first night. Later that evening when the kids were all asleep and everyone else had all gone home we sat downstairs on the couch and just sat in silence. Occasionally I would have a thought I would share with her. She just sat and listened. I know it was hard for her. She too was in pain and we both just sat there in shock.
    I can't talk about this day without mentioning a spiritual experience I had. A tender mercy was extended to me. When I was 16 my dad died just two weeks shy of my 17th birthday. He was a spiritual giant and someone I leaned on for comfort and spiritual guidance. When I was alone with just my brother and sister I had an overwhelming sense that my dad was with us in the room. I hugged my brother and cried, "I can feel dad. I miss him." The peace that my dad's presence gave me was overwhelming. It was as if he was saying, "I'm still here. You're going to be okay. You're never alone."
    This was my darkest day and yet it wasn't as dark as it could have been. I had the Lord on my side. I had family. I had friends. I was not alone. I am never alone. A Harry Potter quote comes to mind :

(yes I'm really quoting Harry Potter.) I had turned on the light. By choosing to pray in my time of need, fasting, surrounding myself with good people, and asking for a priesthood blessing I had turned on the light. If you are going through a hard time turn on the light! Maybe you've made a big mistake and you don't think you can come back from it, maybe you are experiencing health problems, maybe you are experiencing depression, you might have lost a loved one, or you simply might feel lost and alone ; my message to you is turn on the light! Let people help you! Pray for help! Keep trying! I can assure you this is not a one time thing. Every day I have to turn on the light just like I would in real life. Sometimes multiple times a day. If you turn on the light you will discover there is hope. There is happiness. People care and are generally good. You will discover you can do hard things. Most of all you will discover that when you think you are alone Heavenly Father is there. He is waiting for you to turn on that light. I don't always get some huge, amazing experience when I turn on the light but I do always get a feeling of comfort and love. I dare you to try it! Be brave. When you turn one light on in one room it gets a little brighter but as you go through the house and turn each and every light on it's really bright. The more you turn on the light the brighter your life will get.
       Surely this day was my darkest day and I still have many challenges ahead of me. I pray that I too will always remember to turn on that light.