Be Still

   After Nic met with the stake president he called me and wanted to meet up. We met in a movie theatre parking lot. His eyes were all red and swollen. What I saw that night was a broken man. I have never seen anyone so broken. I believe he did feel Godly sorrow that night. He confessed to me that night about the abuse he inflicted on our daughter. Again I was so calm. I used to think in a situation like this I would be a raving lunatic who was crazy angry and rightfully so. Not so, the spirit took over and continued to guide me. I listened as he spilled his guts to me. He could barely make eye contact, he was so ashamed. We sat there for quite a while and just cried together. I cried for him and the broken state he was in. I cried when I listened to details about things he did to our daughter. I cried thinking about what she endured. I cried for our poor family that would never be the same. After listening to what I thought was a full confession and seeing the state he was in I convinced him to surrender the guns over to me.
   I got home late that night and all of my kids were already asleep. I sat on the bed with my mom and recounted to her all of the events of that day. I couldn't even shed a single tear that night as I told my mom everything. I have never been more emotionally drained. Although I was exhausted I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I couldn't stop picturing awful things that had occurred right in my home. Finally I had to take a sleeping pill. For the first few weeks after that I had to take a sleeping pill every night or my mind wouldn't shut down. Eventually I transitioned to taking melatonin before bed.
   The weight of it all seemed to crush me. I couldn't handle knowing the details of what had happened. I felt like my mind was on repeat of the same horrible image playing in my head. Finally I couldn't take it any longer. I knelt in prayer and pleaded for Heavenly Father to take those images away from me. I sobbed and pleaded for my daughter to forget. I didn't want her to remember such awful things. My poor, innocent angel had to live through that. It still kills me to think about it. During my prayer as I sobbed and pleaded I began to feel so much physical pain. I could feel so much pain and anger in every extremity of my body. My hands and feet went stiff with pain. I felt like I was finally allowing myself to fully feel it and turn it over to Him. When I had finished praying a thought came to me;  I felt consumed by pain and the Savior had felt all of my pain AND everyone else's who had ever existed!!! What a sobering thought. No wonder He bled from every pore! I cannot even begin to fathom what that would feel like when just mine alone felt so all consuming. I no longer felt heavy with pain, I felt gratitude.
   He atoned for us. For me, for you. He atoned for what Nic had done. He atoned for the pain it inflicted on us. He atoned for my anger and hatred. He atoned for the sadness my little family felt as we tried to pull ourselves back together. All of the days I felt like I couldn't get out of bed because this couldn't possibly be my life. All of the times I went to sleep with a tired and broken heart. All of the anger I felt at what Nic had done. All of the sadness my babies felt when they missed him. Every single pain and transgression. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. He atoned for them all. I am not alone in this hardship, this trial and you are not alone in yours. It reminds me of Jesus walking on the water.

Matthew 14:22-33

 22 ¶And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.

 23 And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.

 24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

 25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

 26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

 27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

 28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

 29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

 30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

 32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

 33 Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.

 

    I have tried to live my life to follow Jesus. I have desired to come unto Him like Peter who desired to walk on the water to Jesus. When things got hard and my "wind boisterous" I felt like I was sinking. I felt overwhelmed and I cried out to Him, "Lord, save me." But what gets me is Jesus's response, "immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" I find it interesting that the word immediately was used. Not eventually but immediately. It is defined this way:

 

 

im·me·di·ate·ly

iˈmēdēətlē/

adverb

adverb: immediately

1. 1.

   at once; instantly.

   "I called immediately for an ambulance"

   
   

   synonyms:

   straightaway, at once, right away, instantly, now, directly, promptly, forthwith, this/that (very) minute, this/that instant, there and then, then and there, on the spot, here and now, without delay, without further ado, posthaste; More quickly, as fast as possible, speedily, as soon as possible; informalASAP, pronto, double-quick, on the double, pretty damn quick, PDQ, in/like a flash, like a shot, tout de suite; humoroustoot sweet; archaicforthright "it was necessary to make a decision immediately"

2. 2.

   without any intervening time or space.

   "she was sitting immediately behind me"

   
   

   • in direct or very close relation.

     "they would be the states most immediately affected by any such action"

     
     

     synonyms:

     directly, right, exactly, precisely, squarely, just, dead; informalsmack dab "I sat immediately behind him"

  Without any intervening time or space "Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him." This really touched me. I had panicked in the "boisterous wind" of my life and I had begun to sink. Jesus wasted no time once I finally turned my pain over to Him. He immediately "stretched forth his hand" to me and took on my pain. I could feel it. After praying to Him and unloading my heavy heart I began to feel hope. I felt a little lighter immediately. Why did I doubt?

   Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all alone. The weight of doing it alone is absolutely crushing. We should learn from Peter's story and never doubt His ability to help us in our times of need. He is always there when the wind is boisterous and the waves are crashing. In the middle of it all we need to calm ourselves and look for that light that is the Savior. I am visualizing myself standing in the middle of the ocean with waves and water everywhere. The sky is dark and the winds are blowing. I can see myself absolutely panicking as I reflect on the depth of the ocean and what appears to be immediate doom. Then as the waves part there is the Savior, this light, this beacon and His hand is stretched forth to me. All I have to do is calm myself and focus on Him.

  Those first few weeks felt surreal. It was a living nightmare. Everything I knew was turned upside down. My home was not the safe place I thought it was for my kids. My husband was not the worthy priesthood holder I had thought. How does one even go about handling a situation like this? I had never in my wildest dreams pictured my life like this. The pain was unbearable and yet as I knelt in prayer that day the waters I stood on were calmed. The Savior whispered to me, "Be still". All I can say after this experience is,  "Of a truth thou art the Son of God."