The Choices We Make

    After writing my last post my day began to spiral downward. The stress of looking for a job, trying to sell my house, all of the legal stuff that comes with a divorce, and being my kids everything started to wear on me. It all seemed to beat down on me. So I loaded the kids up in the car to get some sunshine and run some errands. While I was sitting there in traffic my negative thoughts only got worse. "Why do you think you can blog to help others? What do you think you're doing? You can't even handle your own life and you're going to help other people?! Get a grip!" I began to feel like a terrible mother. I just sat there in the 100 degree weather, trying to ignore the fighting kids in the backseat and had a pity party for myself in the middle of traffic. I'm not sure how this thought came to me next but all of a sudden I reversed course and just said, "stop it Celeste!!!!" I began to remind myself that happiness was a choice not a destination. I began to listen to those screaming voices in the back seat and feel grateful I was the one that got to hear those screams (unpleasant as they are). I reflected on my financial concerns and reminded myself of all the times I didn't know how we were going to make it and then something came up that provided. I decided to turn on some happy music to keep this positive momentum going.
    It is true that I am no shining beacon on a hill. I am a far cry from perfect. I swear when I shouldn't. I throw myself pity parties. I lose my temper with my kids almost daily. I cannot stop myself from lusting after Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt and Sam Hunt (I could go on but the list is embarrassingly long). I am selfish. I waste far too much time with Dubsmash. I never take meals to anyone in my ward and in fact I do my best to avoid it (I don't really cook for my family either). The point is I am human. People often comment on how strong I am. The truth is I'm not always. I guess if being strong means you keep trying then yes I'm strong. I love my Heavenly Father and I will always try for Him. I am not a perfect person and will never be. I will probably offend you at some point if I haven't already. Bottom line today in the car I accepted those things about myself and I chose to keep trying to be better and to be happy despite them.
   Satan plays this game with me all of the time where he tries to get me to negate all of the good things I do because I did something not good. He tries to get me to feel bad and not believe in myself. I feel like the same thing happens to people like my ex, Nic. What he did was horrendous and much worse than anything most of us have done but does that discredit the good things he did? I don't think it does. I feel like once someone hears the term, "murderer" or "sex offender" that they instantly think bad person. They really might be but I don't know that. I'm not their judge. I don't know all. I guess I used to think things were so black and white. Good and bad. When you go through abuse or live it you realize there is actually a lot of gray. Nic and I had a lot of good times together. We had happy times. There were times he made me feel so loved. He was a terrific friend. He could be a great daddy. That is what makes this so complicated and difficult to process. That is why it is so hard for victims to leave their abusers. Ultimately the choices themselves that he made to abuse were black. They were really bad. There were other choices he made that were white and good. I think that's how we get the gray. It's too hard for me to sort it out and I can't do it. I'm not God. I don't know what was in his heart or how hard he tried to fight. As victims we simply have to get out. We have to say goodbye to the good parts because the flip side is too dangerous. We have to protect ourselves and especially our children. I don't support what he did. I will never understand what he did. It is an evil thing beyond my comprehension but I don't have to understand it. I just have to protect my kids and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting when it comes to abuse. Be smart and protect yourself. Don't go back. Abuse patterns are SO hard to break and change.
    All of this leads me to one topic: Choices. Some might say I had a right to have a pity party given the circumstances but I chose to be happy instead. The choice Nic made to engage in sexually abusive behavior was his downfall. He made a lot of good choices before that. Obviously, he married me. jk (I couldn't resist.) Seriously though he chose to get married in the temple. He chose to have a family. He chose to attend church. He chose to work to support his family. One stupid little choice can lead to another stupid choice and before you know it you're at the bottom because you've made a really big, bad choice. Be careful with what you choose!!!! Every choice we make matters. Every choice we make determines our next choice. Nic didn't wake up one day and decide he was going to abuse our daughter. He made a lot of poor little choices that led to that choice. It is never too late to pull a Celeste and say "Stop it!!" Stop the thought process in its tracks and turn it around. Don't let those bad thoughts win. Don't let yourself get to rock bottom. Don't even play with fire. As soon as you recognize something isn't right STOP! Choose light. Choose Christ. Choose to try.

                                           Proof that Nic made some good choices:

Turning on the Light

    That first day I received the news is a blur. I remember snippets here and there. "He's sick, we need to get him some help." "She told the school counselor." I vaguely remember the detective and the social worker trying to distract me by talking about their pets as we were waiting for my sister to arrive. They needed her to come sign off as a third party witness to a "protection plan". The protection plan stated that Nic would not be allowed to be in the home or around the kids. Nic wasn't working that day and had gone shooting. I tried to call him several times but he didn't answer. Finally I called his parents. "I need you to come get Nic some stuff. (sob) CPS is here and a detective. They said he did something to our daughter." I choked out the words as best as a could. I can only imagine what my mother-in-law had going through her head as I dropped that bomb.
    My sister showed up and I fell apart. She was someone safe. Someone I could fall apart with. I saw her and instantly felt light and love coming from her. To me in that moment she was an angel coming to my rescue. She sat and listened to the social workers and absorbed all the information I couldn't because after that first sentence, "He touched your daughter inappropriately" I went into shock. Sometime during all of this my older kids came home from school. I can't tell you when. I can't tell you what they were doing during all of this. I know my sister and CPS just took care of them.
    Shortly after CPS and the detective left my in-laws showed up. They came upstairs to my room and I packed a bag for Nic. I asked my father-in-law for a priesthood blessing. Once again I can't remember what was said. Then the four of us decided to open a fast. We knelt around my bed and my sister offered the prayer. Again the love radiated from her. She truly felt godly sorrow for the situation and I knew that she loved Nic as a Child of God. I knew she wanted to take away my pain. I knew she was mindful of my babies and the changes this would bring to them.
    That evening people were in and out like crazy. My room became headquarters for discussing the sensitive information so the kids wouldn't hear. My dear friend Tory came over. The Bishop was called and came over. My brother was over most of the night. The service that was extended to me that night will NEVER be forgotten. I had painted our daughter's room earlier that morning and needed to put the curtain rod back up. I had planned on Nic doing it not realizing that wouldn't be an option. My brother stayed and put it up for me. He did little odd jobs here and there around the house to make my life easier. Tory and my sister Laura fed my kids dinner, did the dishes, cleaned the kids rooms, bathed the kids, and put them to bed all while comforting me.
    My sister went home to get an overnight bag so she could stay with me that first night. Later that evening when the kids were all asleep and everyone else had all gone home we sat downstairs on the couch and just sat in silence. Occasionally I would have a thought I would share with her. She just sat and listened. I know it was hard for her. She too was in pain and we both just sat there in shock.
    I can't talk about this day without mentioning a spiritual experience I had. A tender mercy was extended to me. When I was 16 my dad died just two weeks shy of my 17th birthday. He was a spiritual giant and someone I leaned on for comfort and spiritual guidance. When I was alone with just my brother and sister I had an overwhelming sense that my dad was with us in the room. I hugged my brother and cried, "I can feel dad. I miss him." The peace that my dad's presence gave me was overwhelming. It was as if he was saying, "I'm still here. You're going to be okay. You're never alone."
    This was my darkest day and yet it wasn't as dark as it could have been. I had the Lord on my side. I had family. I had friends. I was not alone. I am never alone. A Harry Potter quote comes to mind :

(yes I'm really quoting Harry Potter.) I had turned on the light. By choosing to pray in my time of need, fasting, surrounding myself with good people, and asking for a priesthood blessing I had turned on the light. If you are going through a hard time turn on the light! Maybe you've made a big mistake and you don't think you can come back from it, maybe you are experiencing health problems, maybe you are experiencing depression, you might have lost a loved one, or you simply might feel lost and alone ; my message to you is turn on the light! Let people help you! Pray for help! Keep trying! I can assure you this is not a one time thing. Every day I have to turn on the light just like I would in real life. Sometimes multiple times a day. If you turn on the light you will discover there is hope. There is happiness. People care and are generally good. You will discover you can do hard things. Most of all you will discover that when you think you are alone Heavenly Father is there. He is waiting for you to turn on that light. I don't always get some huge, amazing experience when I turn on the light but I do always get a feeling of comfort and love. I dare you to try it! Be brave. When you turn one light on in one room it gets a little brighter but as you go through the house and turn each and every light on it's really bright. The more you turn on the light the brighter your life will get.
       Surely this day was my darkest day and I still have many challenges ahead of me. I pray that I too will always remember to turn on that light.