Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

"A Beautiful Mess" : The Truth About Motherhood

 

When I was little I wanted to be either : A. a famous singer or B. a mother. I am the youngest of nine so there were always plenty of nieces and nephews around. I was crazy about my nieces and nephews! I would prefer babysitting them over hanging out with friends. I have always loved little kids and as I got older and realized the singer thing wasn't in the cards (haha tell that to my bathroom mirror) I focused even more on becoming a mother. I was fortunate to grow up knowing how important motherhood is and I desired to have my own children so badly. I married young, 18 to be exact and very quickly discovered I was pregnant with a honeymoon baby. Before our first anniversary I had my beautiful baby girl. She was perfect! There are no words adequate enough to describe that feeling when you become a parent. It is such an instantaneous spiritual bond. However, before long I started having overwhelming thoughts. I didn't feel like I was cut out to be a mom. I loved my daughter but I started thinking I should just run away, that she would be better off without me. It wasn't until she was 9 months old that I discovered I was suffering from an extended case of baby blues. I had no idea that was even a thing! My doctor put me on an antidepressant which helped a ton but I was humiliated. I felt so much shame that I had depression. What kind of a mother gets depressed from being a mother?
  When I got pregnant with baby number two Nic left to go work as a contractor in Iraq. I knew that I would need the antidepressant to survive without him. Again I hated that I had depression and that I needed medication but I had learned that I was a better mother on the medication. I bounced back pretty quickly after having him and I was able to lose all of my baby weight and wean myself completely off of my medication. I felt like I had this whole motherhood thing down.
  Nic came home from Iraq after my oldest son (baby #2) had just turned one. We were so happy to be together again and those first few months were probably the happiest of our entire marriage. Two kids was a piece of cake! So we decided to have a third. I prayed and prayed to get pregnant and when I did I thanked the Lord for a third baby in my belly. Disaster struck. Nic and I encountered some serious marital problems and I felt like we had gone from the peak of the mountain to the very bottom of the valley. Depression came back in full force, stronger then before. I even had suicidal thoughts. It was not a happy time for us. I felt like the world's worst mother and wife. The guilt was all consuming. After I had baby #3 I was finally able to shake off most of the depression.
  Because of the difficulties we were facing in our marriage and the severity of the depression I had experienced we decided to take a breather from having any more kids. I went into my doctor and got an IUD. When baby #3 was only 9 months old I started to feel funny. I had been pregnant enough times by then to recognize the symptoms but there was no way..... I took a pregnancy test and then another one and another one.  They all said the same thing; I was pregnant. I bawled. I didn't know if I had it in me to fight that depression again. I was going to have four kids at 25! These last two would only be 18 months apart! I was so scared and completely overwhelmed. I had an IUD how could I be pregnant? Where was it? Despite my lack of enthusiasm about being pregnant I was still highly concerned for the well being of this child. What if the IUD was hurting the baby? I had a couple of extensive ultrasounds and they couldn't find the IUD anywhere. I was blessed with that pregnancy to have little to no depression. It was almost as if Heavenly Father was telling me, "you are supposed to have this baby but I know why you're scared and what you can handle". I had a beautiful baby boy who was perfectly healthy with zero complications. They found the IUD attached to my bladder after I delivered him. (SIDENOTE: I will never understand abortion. Even though I was less than thrilled about being pregnant there was instantly a part of me that loved that baby. I KNEW it was very much alive in me. I don't comprehend feeling like that isn't a life. That it doesn't matter. I don't get the feeling of I don't want a baby so I'm just going to kill it before it can grow any more. To me that is incredibly selfish. That baby turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life and looking at him now how could I ever have put an end to his development?)
   Nic started to work away from home again for the third time in our marriage. I would only see him on the weekends and he was gone all week long. With four kids ages 6 and under and no husband all week I began to feel overwhelmed and depressed again. There was a strain on our marriage that wasn't just from him being out of town. I know now what that was. Back then I didn't know why he was so grumpy and unhappy. I felt trapped. Powerless. I couldn't change him or control the situation at all. I felt like a single parent much of our marriage. Now that I really am a single parent I can honestly say that I kind of was. That last year of our marriage I was on two antidepressants.
   The point? Motherhood and family life is freaking hard!!! So many of my family and friends are struggling right now with this very issue. I like to call it mommy guilt. To those friends and family ( you know who you are) stop beating yourself up! I get it, I have always wanted to be a mom so why was it so hard for me? I was literally living my dream! 1. Hormones: this should be a four letter word. They change all the freaking time! When you're ovulating. When you're on your period. When you get pregnant. When you have a baby. When you're nursing. It never stops! A lot of our "crazy" feelings come from hormones. It is 100% normal and you are NOT alone! If you recognize that it is hormones you can sometimes curb some of those feelings. You can also do some hormone therapy to help you balance out. 2. It is one thing to babysit a kid ,even extensively, and another thing completely to be a kid's EVERYTHING! You are on the clock 24/7. You want to take a shower? Sorry the baby is hungry. Getting ready to go somewhere? The four year old threw his shoes over the fence.  You're hungry? So are the kids and they are louder and more persistent about their hunger. You want to sleep in? Go ahead try it but don't blame me when you discover there is mustard all over the carpet throughout the house (true story). You get the point. They need us ALL.THE.TIME. I'm sorry but, it is supposed to be easy because why exactly? 3. The guilt. Between all of the madness and chaos our kids will do something totally and completely endearing. The "mommy I wuv you" and little hands on our faces because they want to kiss us. These things make motherhood totally worth it but if we're not careful they also make us feel guilty. The train of thought can go a little like this, " awe I can't believe he said he loves me more than all the animals in Africa. He is so sweet and innocent how could I ever be impatient with him? I'm a terrible mother for losing my temper." Sound familiar? We've all done it at least once. Stop it! We lose our temper and we make mistakes because it's freaking hard to have a bunch of little humans yelling at you at the same time for chocolate milk. 4. Comparisons. "Hilary on fb just posted that the leprechauns visited their house for St. Patrick's Day. Is that a thing? Crap my poor kids, they didn't get any leprechaun visits. She is such a better mom than me! She is always doing pinterest worthy things." Sometimes I do awesome things with my kids and I do share it on social media and sometimes we're just lucky the Christmas presents are wrapped. Stop comparing yourself to other moms! Or even to yourself and what you did last year! Stop!
    Motherhood is simultaneously the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done! The fulfillment I get from being a mother has by far surpassed my highest expectations! I believe it is the most noble and important thing I will ever do! I love my children with everything I have! I have sacrificed everything to keep them safe and I would do it again. The pain I have endured physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually to have and take of them is overwhelming at times but I wouldn't change any of it for one minute! It's a completely different kind of love then I have ever experienced. They make me better and stronger then I ever thought possible! Those of you that are struggling right now with mommy guilt or depression please know you are not alone! Something that my own mother told me once really touched me, "Celeste, you are an amazing mother. Nobody loves your kids more than you do! Nobody know what they need like you do. Stop beating yourself up!" My kids make life worth living. The depression has gotten better. A lot of it was situational because of my marriage. Since everything has happened in January I have completely gotten off of one antidepressant and am on a low dose of the other. I am happier than I have ever been! I have made it through a difficult phase. This difficult phase you are experiencing will pass and you will be a happier mom. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself. It will get easier as you learn to balance each new phase. In the meantime GO WATCH  "MOMS NIGHT OUT", RIGHT NOW! Like right now!!! That movie so perfectly captures the chaos and the blessing that motherhood is. I laughed my butt off and cried my eyes out! We are all doing the best we can to raise these sweet little humans and we are, "a beautiful mess". I wouldn't have it any other way!

P.S. Today my 4 year old locked the keys in the car and I had to break into the car. It never ends, you just get better at coping with it and forgiving yourself when you don't cope so well.


                                       THE BEST MEMES ABOUT MOTHERHOOD:

 

                                Every single day I suffer from shower schizophrenia.

Not Strong Enough to Fight

    Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I dish out advice on this blog like I've conquered all of my trials and challenges. The truth is I haven't ; I have failed miserably some days. This last week I had a couple of days that were particularly challenging. I broke down. I was flat out beat up and exhausted. Where was all of this so called inner strength I had blogged about? I had nothing left. Nothing. I couldn't figure it out. I have endured, I have been faithful, I have been positive, why can't I catch a break? So as I usually do when I'm depleted I knelt in prayer. "Here I am Lord completely at your mercy. What is it I'm supposed to do? I'm empty, I have nothing left. I'm beat down and 100% exhausted!" At this point I was no longer kneeling and I was lying on my closet floor sobbing. The fatigue I felt was not physical. I was spiritually and emotionally drained. I lay there for quite a while until my sobs became silent tears. Eventually I got up and got ready for bed feeling numb. I didn't feel immediately better. I felt about the same. Empty. The next morning I woke up and felt a little better but I was still far from chipper. As I went about my day little things kept happening and slowly I found myself gaining strength. One positive thought turned into another and by the end of the day I felt rejuvenated. The thing about that day is I didn't do anything spectacular and still I found strength. So what was it that strengthened me? What recharged me when I was completely dead? A friend of mine said something profound to me, "True strength does not come from us. It comes from the atonement. The strength to forgive, the strength to pray, the strength to drag yourself to the temple one more time, the strength to dry your eyes one more day. Strength comes from the Lord." That stuck with me all day. I began to feel so much gratitude for the Savior and the atonement. The gratitude I felt led to a positive thought, "I can do this day and this challenge because of the atonement". One positive thought led to another and optimism and hope entered my heart once more.
     Since that day I have thought about happiness and hope. It wasn't long ago that I defined my happiness by a great vacation or new furniture. I lived from one thing to the next, always counting down the days until the next exciting thing would happen that would make me happy. One thing I've learned this year as I've lost so much is that happiness really doesn't come from those things. They can be fun and exciting, however, happiness is something entirely different. When you lose so much you learn that true happiness comes from acceptance and gratitude. Nobody can take my happiness away from me. My happiness stems from my testimony. Knowing who I am and Whose I am is where my happiness lies. When life is tough and I can't find it in me to fight any more I need to realize that it's not about fighting. It's about accepting the Lord's will for my life and turning it over to Him. It's about realizing that He has a plan for me and I don't have the same eternal perspective as He does. He knows things I don't.  Then I need to be grateful for that plan He has for me and what I do have. I have so many things to be grateful for! When I redefine my happiness by my divine identity as His child then it is hard to be unhappy.
   I am so completely aware of my dependency on the Lord for everything. Without Him I would be nothing. Plain and simple. I am weak. I am human. I have to be reminded of the same things over and over again. I will have a down day again where I feel empty. I will temporarily forget these things I've learned. The good news is Heavenly Father is the most patient parent. He always finds a way to lovingly remind me of my worth. He always lovingly reminds me that the atonement is there. I was never meant to do this alone. He knew I couldn't. He reminds me that He provided a Savior for me so that I could overcome these obstacles. I sobbed on that closet floor saying, "I just can't". Throughout the following day He found little ways to tell me that I can because of His Son.
   Even with this knowledge it is still not easy. Everyday I make a conscience choice to embrace the atonement. To embrace the atonement is to embrace happiness. Everyday I choose to change my thought patterns to reflect optimism and hope. I have negative thoughts all the time!! The difference is I try my best to not entertain them. Obviously I have bad days when I fail to correct those negative thoughts. The atonement brings a new day with new thoughts and new strength.
   If you find yourself saying you "just can't" please don't give up! Believe me, I've been there! I know that place all too well! You don't have to be strong enough to fight you just have to be humble enough to accept the atonement.

Joy: A feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

   My brain has been on overload the last few days so forgive me if this post seems a little disjointed. I have had so many different thoughts and experiences that have enriched me. I feel like I am in a place where I really know joy. The thing about this trial and obstacle I've gone through is it really has given me an opportunity to become more self aware and to grow in the gospel. I was conversing with my Relief Society president on Sunday and she said, "Isn't it amazing the things we go through that teach us to develop greater compassion and wisdom?" Truth is as I've reflected on that question I wouldn't change one single moment of my heartache if it meant I wouldn't be where I am today. I am so much more receptive to the spirit than I was before. I feel like I am receiving so many personal revelations everyday about all kinds of gospel principles. I am more compassionate than I have ever been in the sense that I really know now what compassion looks like. I have always desired nothing more than to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and I feel like I am on the right track. I feel so comfortable in my skin because I know now more than ever how much Heavenly Father loves me. This knowledge and growth didn't come without pain (a lot of it) and I don't think I would have received it without experiencing the hard stuff. I don't think I was capable of such growth while being in such a toxic relationship. I am Celeste. It is the weirdest feeling to try and describe but I feel like me. I feel very authentic.
   Don't mistake my confidence in myself for arrogance. I know that without Heavenly Father I am nothing. Plain and simple. Anything that is noteworthy or honorable about me is all because of Him.
   I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let ANYTHING or ANYONE hold you back from becoming the person God intended you to be. We have all been given such unique and wonderful qualities. These attributes are divine gifts from our Heavenly Father. Cultivate and nurture them so that you can use these gifts to be a tool for good. Just looking at my siblings I see a vast array of talents and attributes. I love them for their differences and they all bless me because they are different! As you develop these attributes more fully you will receive greater joy than you ever thought possible.
   Sometimes we are placed in situations of hardship and trial. We have very little control sometimes over our circumstances. What I say to that is do your best and you can control your outlook. Honestly speaking when you look at this last 6 months of my life on paper it has been the worst 6 months of my life. However, it has also oddly enough been the happiest.
   One day I discovered at bedtime that my daughter had lice. LICE!!!! Never in my life have I had lice or known anyone personally that had lice and now was the time for me to be so fortunate? We had all been sick and in my head I made a list of all of the things that had already gone wrong. Abuse, lies, divorce, eternal family torn apart, no income, minivan repossessed, washer broke down, etc. I literally sat there and looked for all of the things that had gone wrong. I stayed up late cleaning; trying to rid the house of lice. It came time to pull out the vacuum and I plugged it in and turned it on only to find it wasn't working. The plastic was cracked and it no longer had any suction. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!" I believe were my exact thoughts (maybe peppered with a swear word or two). I called up my good friend Shannon and had her pick me up another vacuum. She ran to Walmart and picked me up one after sending me a few comparisons via text message. Still my mood was absolutely toxic. The poor me pity party was in full force. Finally it got to the point where it couldn't go on any longer. It was nearly 3 in the morning when I finally broke down in tears and humbled myself in prayer. The thought came to me, "Do you feel better now? Did anything get better because you threw a fit?" Silence. I was stunned. "Hello Celeste, what are you doing?!? This is not who you are, this crybaby who is such an ungrateful brat!!" I decided right then and there that I would choose happiness. That scene would not repeat itself. I have been down since then but I have never lost my cool or felt that same entitlement like I did that day. I have learned that in life you have 2 choices: misery or happiness. You can't have both. You can't choose to be so negative and expect positive results.
  Since developing an "attitude of gratitude" I really have come to know so much joy despite the heartbreaks and nuisances. My eyes have been opened to others suffering and I have developed a greater compassion for all of God's children. It's not something that always comes naturally to me. Some days I have to really work at changing my attitude. Some days are just plain hard. I can't change that. I can only change my attitude.  I have always loved this song by Jo Dee Messina titled " Bring on the Rain." It encourages me to roll with the punches and just keep trying.
   Now that I am in this healthier, happier place I realize that you don't get into a relationship expecting that person to complete you. They shouldn't be your "other half" as is common to say. You should be whole going into the relationship and that person should only add to your joy and growth. I am responsible for my own happiness and salvation, no one else is. When both people get into a relationship with that same attitude there are less insecurities and there is more time to simply love and nourish each other. When I get in a relationship again it will be because I want that person in my life not because I need them to fulfill me. It will be because they love Heavenly Father as much as I do and they are whole in their understanding of His love for them. It will be because we give each other a desire to be better and to strive harder to be our best selves. I know joy now and he will only add to that. A relationship won't be what I'm waiting for in order to have joy.
   Tonight I had such a neat experience with my kids. I was able to run and play with them at the playground and I truly felt like a child again. They had a blast and I had a blast! We stayed there and played for much longer than I had intended and on the way home my daughter said, "Mom that was the best day ever!" My heart melted in that moment. How is it that it took so much crap for me to remember what it felt like to be a child? It really was a joyful, carefree evening and I know in my heart that I will always find joy in the middle of the storm as long as I stay deeply rooted in the gospel. Joy is a choice.

       Here are some random quotes (you know how I love quotes) that have helped me better understand joy and how to develop and maintain it in my own life and relationships.

 

 

 

 

And a couple of my favorites from Sister Hinckley:

 



  

Refillable

 A lot of people have told me they admire how happy I always am. I appreciate the compliment but that's not actually accurate. I'm not always happy just ask my family and closest friends. I might look like I have it all together but behind the scenes I have bad days and low moments. The last 6 months have been so full of disappointment, heartbreak, hardship, and plain old annoyances. Things ranging from abuse to my windshield wipers flying off in the middle of a rainstorm. (That's another story.) Big or small bad things have happened to me. I have had a few pity parties and some depressing days. However, my life is simply too precious and too short to spend it miserable. I can't change what's happened and I can't predict the future. All I can do is bounce back and choose to be happy.
  Today was one of those days that I had some obstacles and I was so tempted to climb in bed and never get out again. While I was busy pouting I decided to browse facebook and one of my friends posted this gem:

            

 

  It was just the nudge I needed to shake off my funk. My glass is refillable. It doesn't matter if today was a bad day, I can fill my glass back up. So with that I want to talk about some of the ways I fill my glass.

     1. Gratitude: This is a biggie! When I'm feeling low the easiest solution to feel better for me is to think about all of the things I do have and all of the things that have gone right. I have my testimony and no matter how bad things get no one can take that away from me but me. I have food to eat and to feed my kidlets. We have a roof over our heads with air conditioning and a heater that works. I have a car that's paid off to get me and the kids around. Sometimes I even recall a specific memory when things were going right and I was blessed.
     2. People: I am one of the luckiest girls alive because I have so many people to love who love me in return. The most important people that make me feel happy are my kids. I can be in the worst mood and then the baby (I say baby but he's 2) will say something funny while he's playing in the bathtub and I can't help but smile. I'll see the boys playing American Ninja Warrior and I have to play too. My daughter will bring me a sweet picture with a look of pure pride and love on her face and I just can't be grumpy.
     I can't tell you how many people in my life have filled my cup. I have had so many random acts of kindness performed for me it astounds me. Why me?
     Often when I'm feeling low I call up a friend or hang out with my family. I really am fortunate to have a surplus of quality people to choose from.
    3. Nature: There is a peace that comes with some fresh air and a beautiful view. I can't always up and leave so sometimes I just sit out on my porch and read or lay on my trampoline and gaze up at the sky. I often feel so small on this big planet when I'm outdoors. It puts things into perspective for me every time. I can't help but feel God's love when it's painted across the sky.
    4. Music: I am a huge music person! I rarely take a shower without something playing in the background to sing along to. Music has a way of making me feel understood. I love good lyrics and songs that touch your soul. When I'm blue a good song that allows me to process my sadness usually helps followed by a happy, "I got this" song.
   5. Laughter: It's no secret I'm a fan of dubsmash. It allows me to be an idiot all by myself and then laugh about it. Finding something to laugh about is always a good release. One of the best feelings in the world for me is laughing so hard I'm crying and my cheeks and abs hurt.
   6. Writing: Whether I'm writing in a journal, writing a letter, or blogging there is something very healing and therapeutic for me about writing.
   7. Me time: Sometimes the day is bad enough or my mood foul enough that I simply shouldn't be around people. Seriously. I just need a break to relax and regroup. My me time is when I indulge in my favorite guilty pleasures. A few of them are: a chick flick, a dirty diet coke, painting my toenails, reading a book, and pretending like I'm a famous country singer while taking a long, hot shower. Usually after a night of me time I'm recharged and ready to be Positive Polly the next day.
   8. Service: Getting outside of myself doesn't always come naturally to me but when I make the effort to help others I always feel better. It puts my problems into perspective and humbles me. I'm learning to be better at this one.
   9. Scriptures: I am always amazed at the treasures I find in the scriptures. The things that stick out to me are always exactly what I need. There is just a peace that comes from reading the scriptures that is almost tangible. My heart many times has been soothed by words of the prophets in the scriptures.
   10. Prayer: This is usually my first go to. The minute I feel like I'm drowning I go find a place to hide from my kids (good luck) and lay it out there for Heavenly Father. It always amazes me how much I need His help with things. I think I know a thing or two about life and then I'm back on my knees learning something new. My relationship with Heavenly Father has been vital to my happiness. I simply could not maintain the level of happiness I have if I didn't have this relationship with Him developed. He comforts me and soothes me in only a way He can. I act like a child and complain and He consoles me and softens my heart to all of the blessings that are my reality.

     When others say I am happy all of the time the truth is I'm not. I am happy most of the time. I do my best to not dwell in negativity. I do one of those ten things listed above and sometimes a few of them. I fill my glass back up and move on. What else is there to do? I mean really, it won't do me any good to be bitter or cynical. Bad days are going to happen my entire life. The question is how do I want to live my life? I choose happiness. What about you?
     

  

The Choices We Make

    After writing my last post my day began to spiral downward. The stress of looking for a job, trying to sell my house, all of the legal stuff that comes with a divorce, and being my kids everything started to wear on me. It all seemed to beat down on me. So I loaded the kids up in the car to get some sunshine and run some errands. While I was sitting there in traffic my negative thoughts only got worse. "Why do you think you can blog to help others? What do you think you're doing? You can't even handle your own life and you're going to help other people?! Get a grip!" I began to feel like a terrible mother. I just sat there in the 100 degree weather, trying to ignore the fighting kids in the backseat and had a pity party for myself in the middle of traffic. I'm not sure how this thought came to me next but all of a sudden I reversed course and just said, "stop it Celeste!!!!" I began to remind myself that happiness was a choice not a destination. I began to listen to those screaming voices in the back seat and feel grateful I was the one that got to hear those screams (unpleasant as they are). I reflected on my financial concerns and reminded myself of all the times I didn't know how we were going to make it and then something came up that provided. I decided to turn on some happy music to keep this positive momentum going.
    It is true that I am no shining beacon on a hill. I am a far cry from perfect. I swear when I shouldn't. I throw myself pity parties. I lose my temper with my kids almost daily. I cannot stop myself from lusting after Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt and Sam Hunt (I could go on but the list is embarrassingly long). I am selfish. I waste far too much time with Dubsmash. I never take meals to anyone in my ward and in fact I do my best to avoid it (I don't really cook for my family either). The point is I am human. People often comment on how strong I am. The truth is I'm not always. I guess if being strong means you keep trying then yes I'm strong. I love my Heavenly Father and I will always try for Him. I am not a perfect person and will never be. I will probably offend you at some point if I haven't already. Bottom line today in the car I accepted those things about myself and I chose to keep trying to be better and to be happy despite them.
   Satan plays this game with me all of the time where he tries to get me to negate all of the good things I do because I did something not good. He tries to get me to feel bad and not believe in myself. I feel like the same thing happens to people like my ex, Nic. What he did was horrendous and much worse than anything most of us have done but does that discredit the good things he did? I don't think it does. I feel like once someone hears the term, "murderer" or "sex offender" that they instantly think bad person. They really might be but I don't know that. I'm not their judge. I don't know all. I guess I used to think things were so black and white. Good and bad. When you go through abuse or live it you realize there is actually a lot of gray. Nic and I had a lot of good times together. We had happy times. There were times he made me feel so loved. He was a terrific friend. He could be a great daddy. That is what makes this so complicated and difficult to process. That is why it is so hard for victims to leave their abusers. Ultimately the choices themselves that he made to abuse were black. They were really bad. There were other choices he made that were white and good. I think that's how we get the gray. It's too hard for me to sort it out and I can't do it. I'm not God. I don't know what was in his heart or how hard he tried to fight. As victims we simply have to get out. We have to say goodbye to the good parts because the flip side is too dangerous. We have to protect ourselves and especially our children. I don't support what he did. I will never understand what he did. It is an evil thing beyond my comprehension but I don't have to understand it. I just have to protect my kids and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting when it comes to abuse. Be smart and protect yourself. Don't go back. Abuse patterns are SO hard to break and change.
    All of this leads me to one topic: Choices. Some might say I had a right to have a pity party given the circumstances but I chose to be happy instead. The choice Nic made to engage in sexually abusive behavior was his downfall. He made a lot of good choices before that. Obviously, he married me. jk (I couldn't resist.) Seriously though he chose to get married in the temple. He chose to have a family. He chose to attend church. He chose to work to support his family. One stupid little choice can lead to another stupid choice and before you know it you're at the bottom because you've made a really big, bad choice. Be careful with what you choose!!!! Every choice we make matters. Every choice we make determines our next choice. Nic didn't wake up one day and decide he was going to abuse our daughter. He made a lot of poor little choices that led to that choice. It is never too late to pull a Celeste and say "Stop it!!" Stop the thought process in its tracks and turn it around. Don't let those bad thoughts win. Don't let yourself get to rock bottom. Don't even play with fire. As soon as you recognize something isn't right STOP! Choose light. Choose Christ. Choose to try.

                                           Proof that Nic made some good choices: