Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

The Question All Christians Should Ask : "Am I a Christian?"

   

    Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, Nic Butterfield. What do these 3 people have in common? One is famous and is used to being in the public eye. Another is a mother from Arizona who I know very little about. Finally the last is my ex whom I know a lot about and he is pretty well known in the valley where we live. What links these three together? They are all Christians whose mistakes have been made public. They have all been judged very harshly by other people who are Christian as well.
   What is a Christian? Let's look at the basic definition:

 

Chris·tian

ˈkrisCHən/

noun

plural noun: Christians

1. a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings

 

 "A believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings". That stuck out to me. On my own path to forgiveness for Nic I have thought a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Jesus taught a lot of things many of which I still don't fully comprehend. I don't claim to be an expert on His life although I am daily trying to learn more about Him. We learn through the scriptures repeatedly that Jesus taught about love. Jesus taught about compassion. Jesus taught about forgiveness. The Sermon on the Mount is a terrific example of a time that He taught these virtues.

 

 

Matthew 5:38-40

 

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

 

Matthew 5: 43-44

 

43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

Matthew 7:1-5

 

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 

At the Last Supper He, again, gives counsel to love one another.

 

John 13: 34-35

 

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    

  I could go on. There are so many accounts in the scriptures where Jesus tells us to love one another. To forgive our enemies. Not to place judgment.

  I have seen so many people say such awful hateful things. I'm not the type to be hateful and never have been but I have been guilty of placing judgment. Before this experience of abuse in my own life my perspective towards obvious sin was very different. If someone made an obvious mistake then I could be quick to jump on the band wagon of casting blame. I had moments where I was an "eye for an eye" kind of person. I am ashamed of those thoughts and thinking patterns. When Nic was sentenced they published it in the paper and the online media forums for the paper. I made the mistake of reading some of the comments below. It made me physically ill. What he did was heinous but when did it become okay to wish for a complete stranger to die?

 Josh Duggar, Cherish Peterson, and Nic Butterfield have all been publically and openly judged. They have varying levels of mistakes. In Cherish's case it was just that, a mistake. Nic and Josh have actually sinned. Whatever the reason or cause, when did it become okay to point fingers and condemn someone? Where in the scriptures does Christ give us permission to call someone a terrible mother? Where does Christ say it's okay to hate someone we don't even know? Where does it say it's okay to hate period? I do feel compassion for Josh Duggar. It is a heart wrenching and grievous thing his family is now having to endure as a result of his choices. I feel so much empathy for his wife. He has obviously made some horrible mistakes and choices but I am not perfect. I cannot cast a stone. There needs to be consequences. I am a firm believer in being accountable for ALL of our choices. If I didn't believe in accountability I would not have gone to such great lengths in my life to see that Nic was held accountable. What I cannot and do not support is spreading judgment and hate. Instead of name calling and labeling how much better would this world be if we sought for solutions for the problem. How can we stop abuse? Does calling him an explicit term do anything to keep it from happening to someone else? No! Stand  up and choose to make a difference. Stand up and choose to think a little deeper about motivations and the cause of the problem. When we choose to expand our thoughts beyond judgment and hate we will find solutions to problems. When we choose to embrace love and seek His help then we can make a difference! Be more intelligent then the ignorance of hatred!

   If we want this world to become a better place then we need to teach our children to follow Christ. To really love one another including our enemies and those we don't understand. I will never fully understand or comprehend  Nic's choices but I don't need to. It doesn't say love your enemy only if you understand them. Comprehension for someone's behavior is not required in order to have compassion for them. Initially there was a lot of anger. Finally I had to look inside myself and really question ,"Am I a Christian? What does that mean?"

   Bottom line no matter what it is, sin or innocent mistake ; stop passing judgment! Stop spreading hate! If we claim to be Christians then we need to try a little harder and make more of an effort to forgive and love EVERYBODY! Will I love perfectly like Christ did? Probably not. But I can sure be better then I have been before.

  A friend of mine shared this quote today on a facebook group page that is supporting Cherish with the hashtag of #istandwithcherish or as I like to call it #stopspreadinghate #nojudgment #compassion #iamaChristian #loveoneanother

 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

~Marvin J. Ashton

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Choices We Make

    After writing my last post my day began to spiral downward. The stress of looking for a job, trying to sell my house, all of the legal stuff that comes with a divorce, and being my kids everything started to wear on me. It all seemed to beat down on me. So I loaded the kids up in the car to get some sunshine and run some errands. While I was sitting there in traffic my negative thoughts only got worse. "Why do you think you can blog to help others? What do you think you're doing? You can't even handle your own life and you're going to help other people?! Get a grip!" I began to feel like a terrible mother. I just sat there in the 100 degree weather, trying to ignore the fighting kids in the backseat and had a pity party for myself in the middle of traffic. I'm not sure how this thought came to me next but all of a sudden I reversed course and just said, "stop it Celeste!!!!" I began to remind myself that happiness was a choice not a destination. I began to listen to those screaming voices in the back seat and feel grateful I was the one that got to hear those screams (unpleasant as they are). I reflected on my financial concerns and reminded myself of all the times I didn't know how we were going to make it and then something came up that provided. I decided to turn on some happy music to keep this positive momentum going.
    It is true that I am no shining beacon on a hill. I am a far cry from perfect. I swear when I shouldn't. I throw myself pity parties. I lose my temper with my kids almost daily. I cannot stop myself from lusting after Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt and Sam Hunt (I could go on but the list is embarrassingly long). I am selfish. I waste far too much time with Dubsmash. I never take meals to anyone in my ward and in fact I do my best to avoid it (I don't really cook for my family either). The point is I am human. People often comment on how strong I am. The truth is I'm not always. I guess if being strong means you keep trying then yes I'm strong. I love my Heavenly Father and I will always try for Him. I am not a perfect person and will never be. I will probably offend you at some point if I haven't already. Bottom line today in the car I accepted those things about myself and I chose to keep trying to be better and to be happy despite them.
   Satan plays this game with me all of the time where he tries to get me to negate all of the good things I do because I did something not good. He tries to get me to feel bad and not believe in myself. I feel like the same thing happens to people like my ex, Nic. What he did was horrendous and much worse than anything most of us have done but does that discredit the good things he did? I don't think it does. I feel like once someone hears the term, "murderer" or "sex offender" that they instantly think bad person. They really might be but I don't know that. I'm not their judge. I don't know all. I guess I used to think things were so black and white. Good and bad. When you go through abuse or live it you realize there is actually a lot of gray. Nic and I had a lot of good times together. We had happy times. There were times he made me feel so loved. He was a terrific friend. He could be a great daddy. That is what makes this so complicated and difficult to process. That is why it is so hard for victims to leave their abusers. Ultimately the choices themselves that he made to abuse were black. They were really bad. There were other choices he made that were white and good. I think that's how we get the gray. It's too hard for me to sort it out and I can't do it. I'm not God. I don't know what was in his heart or how hard he tried to fight. As victims we simply have to get out. We have to say goodbye to the good parts because the flip side is too dangerous. We have to protect ourselves and especially our children. I don't support what he did. I will never understand what he did. It is an evil thing beyond my comprehension but I don't have to understand it. I just have to protect my kids and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting when it comes to abuse. Be smart and protect yourself. Don't go back. Abuse patterns are SO hard to break and change.
    All of this leads me to one topic: Choices. Some might say I had a right to have a pity party given the circumstances but I chose to be happy instead. The choice Nic made to engage in sexually abusive behavior was his downfall. He made a lot of good choices before that. Obviously, he married me. jk (I couldn't resist.) Seriously though he chose to get married in the temple. He chose to have a family. He chose to attend church. He chose to work to support his family. One stupid little choice can lead to another stupid choice and before you know it you're at the bottom because you've made a really big, bad choice. Be careful with what you choose!!!! Every choice we make matters. Every choice we make determines our next choice. Nic didn't wake up one day and decide he was going to abuse our daughter. He made a lot of poor little choices that led to that choice. It is never too late to pull a Celeste and say "Stop it!!" Stop the thought process in its tracks and turn it around. Don't let those bad thoughts win. Don't let yourself get to rock bottom. Don't even play with fire. As soon as you recognize something isn't right STOP! Choose light. Choose Christ. Choose to try.

                                           Proof that Nic made some good choices: