What Hurts.

   I mentioned in my last post that my mom has lung cancer. Since then she has had a stroke that was a side effect of the lung cancer. It's difficult for me to write about this because it's happening now and I don't want to say anything that might make it more difficult for my mom or cause her more worry or pain. That being said I have stuffed a lot of my feelings and haven't been coping very well. I haven't had much alone time or reflective time like I'm used to having so that I can process my feelings. I have tried to keep going full steam and take it all on. I wanted to be everything for my kids, my mom, my siblings, and still make time for myself. Turns out you can't be all things to all people. (like duh! ) So tonight I was putting clean sheets on my bed when I found myself suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. All of the feelings I had been stuffing and trying to run from, everything I was trying to be stronger than came out all at once. So here I am. I don't write these things publicly to seek sympathy or for anyone's pity. I am here writing because it hurts and somehow writing about my pain and sharing it makes me feel a little bit better on the off chance that somebody else will read it and identify with it. That they might feel a little less alone. I know my siblings understand, I have the BEST siblings, but when I write that's how I deal. That's my therapy. I write hard and fast and get it all out.  

  I have found myself in a position yet again where my life is in chaos through no fault of my own. What's the point? What's the purpose of it all? How could one person have to deal with so much in one short year? I know so many others that have suffered with such difficult things. Some far worse than anything I've been through. So again I ask, why? These are good people I'm talking about! 

  My mom has lived a hard life. She's had many challenges and heartaches. I've seen her step up and do what needs to be done no matter how tired she was. Then in the evenings or early mornings when everything is quiet she would cry. She would cry to the Lord on her knees asking for more strength, desiring only to do His will. When I heard of her cancer I was angry. She doesn't need to be tested anymore! She shouldn't have to suffer anymore! Why can't she just have a little taste of what it's like to be carefree? What I've come to realize is that her cancer is not a punishment. It is not some final test that she has to pass. I don't know why she has stage four lung cancer. What I do know is that Heavenly Father loves her! He has been with her every step of the way. He is saddened to see her in pain. It is through her cancer that He is showing her His power. It is through her cancer that He is bringing her even closer to Him. She has been told as much in a priesthood blessing and I have felt His love for her. My sister, Laura, once told me in the middle of my crisis that Heavenly Father had me in the cradle of His hand. Those words pierced my soul and I could feel the truth of that statement fill every part of me. Once again I feel that same divine truth all around me. This time it is my mom that is in the cradle of His hand. When I am with her I am in the presence of many who have gone on before. The veil is thin and I can feel them comforting her, watching out for her. She is so loved!

   So how does this all apply to me, to you? It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Heavenly Father's power. As we suffer and we feel broken down with no where else to go, we can become more receptive to the Spirit. I know this to be true because I have seen it in my life this last year. I feel almost as if Heavenly Father was saying, "Trust Me my child, let Me show you My power. Watch as I take care of you." When I have had literally no money, miraculously He has provided again and again. When I have had no strength left in me, He has heard my cries and given me strength to stand. When I haven't known the answers, He has provided them to me in very clear and distinct ways. He has brought complete strangers into my life that have taken care of me in one way or another. I have absolutely seen miracles! 

   It is through times of EXTREME hardship and trial that we can begin to learn more fully of our Savior's love for us. I have ached and I continue to ache. I will always have things in my life that make me ache. When I feel that pain and I kneel in prayer I am reminded of One who not only understood my pain but literally felt it. Guys he felt every single one of our pains. Every person on the planet! That is huge! I have very little comprehension for it but the more life experience I gain and the more difficult things I experience the more gratitude I feel for Him. I know more about His love now than I did after I found out about the abuse, or when my dad died. Each new trial brings a little more comprehension for His love and a lot more gratitude for Him. 

   I know this is going to sound like a bunch of bologna to some of you and frankly sometimes it sounds like bologna to me but I would go through every hardship I've ever had all over again to be where I am today. To know Him a little better than I did. My relationship with Him, however limited it may be, is that sweet! I know as I go through these hard times that I will come to know Him a little bit more. 

   So what is the point? Why do good people have to suffer? Is it some big test or punishment? I know we are told we are sent here to be tested and I believe that but sometimes I think it's different than that. Sometimes I think the point is to learn of Heavenly Father's power and to learn of Christ's love more fully. To become humble and meek. To experience some of the miracles in my life I had to go through some pain first. I had to become humble. I would not even have been in a position to receive them had I not. I am grateful for those miracles! I am grateful to have witnessed God's power in my life! I am grateful for our Savior's love! It doesn't seem fair or right that some people should suffer the way that they do but when I look at it from a different perspective, an eternal one, I see that the reward is FAR GREATER than any pain we may experience here on earth.  

   

  

Not Strong Enough to Fight

    Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I dish out advice on this blog like I've conquered all of my trials and challenges. The truth is I haven't ; I have failed miserably some days. This last week I had a couple of days that were particularly challenging. I broke down. I was flat out beat up and exhausted. Where was all of this so called inner strength I had blogged about? I had nothing left. Nothing. I couldn't figure it out. I have endured, I have been faithful, I have been positive, why can't I catch a break? So as I usually do when I'm depleted I knelt in prayer. "Here I am Lord completely at your mercy. What is it I'm supposed to do? I'm empty, I have nothing left. I'm beat down and 100% exhausted!" At this point I was no longer kneeling and I was lying on my closet floor sobbing. The fatigue I felt was not physical. I was spiritually and emotionally drained. I lay there for quite a while until my sobs became silent tears. Eventually I got up and got ready for bed feeling numb. I didn't feel immediately better. I felt about the same. Empty. The next morning I woke up and felt a little better but I was still far from chipper. As I went about my day little things kept happening and slowly I found myself gaining strength. One positive thought turned into another and by the end of the day I felt rejuvenated. The thing about that day is I didn't do anything spectacular and still I found strength. So what was it that strengthened me? What recharged me when I was completely dead? A friend of mine said something profound to me, "True strength does not come from us. It comes from the atonement. The strength to forgive, the strength to pray, the strength to drag yourself to the temple one more time, the strength to dry your eyes one more day. Strength comes from the Lord." That stuck with me all day. I began to feel so much gratitude for the Savior and the atonement. The gratitude I felt led to a positive thought, "I can do this day and this challenge because of the atonement". One positive thought led to another and optimism and hope entered my heart once more.
     Since that day I have thought about happiness and hope. It wasn't long ago that I defined my happiness by a great vacation or new furniture. I lived from one thing to the next, always counting down the days until the next exciting thing would happen that would make me happy. One thing I've learned this year as I've lost so much is that happiness really doesn't come from those things. They can be fun and exciting, however, happiness is something entirely different. When you lose so much you learn that true happiness comes from acceptance and gratitude. Nobody can take my happiness away from me. My happiness stems from my testimony. Knowing who I am and Whose I am is where my happiness lies. When life is tough and I can't find it in me to fight any more I need to realize that it's not about fighting. It's about accepting the Lord's will for my life and turning it over to Him. It's about realizing that He has a plan for me and I don't have the same eternal perspective as He does. He knows things I don't.  Then I need to be grateful for that plan He has for me and what I do have. I have so many things to be grateful for! When I redefine my happiness by my divine identity as His child then it is hard to be unhappy.
   I am so completely aware of my dependency on the Lord for everything. Without Him I would be nothing. Plain and simple. I am weak. I am human. I have to be reminded of the same things over and over again. I will have a down day again where I feel empty. I will temporarily forget these things I've learned. The good news is Heavenly Father is the most patient parent. He always finds a way to lovingly remind me of my worth. He always lovingly reminds me that the atonement is there. I was never meant to do this alone. He knew I couldn't. He reminds me that He provided a Savior for me so that I could overcome these obstacles. I sobbed on that closet floor saying, "I just can't". Throughout the following day He found little ways to tell me that I can because of His Son.
   Even with this knowledge it is still not easy. Everyday I make a conscience choice to embrace the atonement. To embrace the atonement is to embrace happiness. Everyday I choose to change my thought patterns to reflect optimism and hope. I have negative thoughts all the time!! The difference is I try my best to not entertain them. Obviously I have bad days when I fail to correct those negative thoughts. The atonement brings a new day with new thoughts and new strength.
   If you find yourself saying you "just can't" please don't give up! Believe me, I've been there! I know that place all too well! You don't have to be strong enough to fight you just have to be humble enough to accept the atonement.

"Not as I will, but as thou wilt."

  Flashback to a summer morning 11 years ago. I was sixteen and I had been up late the night before with some friends. I woke up around 10:00 am and moseyed out to the kitchen to have a bowl of cereal. I can still remember what I was wearing that morning when the phone rang. I answered the phone and it was my Uncle Walter. "Is your mom there Celeste?" The tone of his voice made my stomach drop. With just that one sentence I knew something was seriously wrong. I went to get my mom who was waving goodbye to my Aunt Shar on the porch. As she talked to my Uncle Walter on the phone I carefully observed every expression on her face, every inflection in her voice trying to pick up clues as to what was wrong. She hung up and told me to follow her back to her bedroom. I left my uneaten bowl of cereal on the table and we went back to her room where she told me that my dad had suffered a heart attack. He had been out of town with my Uncle Walter in Rock Springs, Wyoming for work. He was being life flighted to LDS hospital downtown Salt Lake. Without wasting any time my mom suggested we kneel down in prayer. She offered the prayer and the first words out of her mouth were, "Lord help us to accept Thy will." Over and over again she said those same words. We both cried in pain and agony. In our hearts we both felt that my dad wasn't going to live. The words my mom offered up that day in prayer have been a powerful lesson to me. As a young girl, even knowing my dad would not live, had I been the one to say the prayer I would've said, "please let him live".
   Throughout my life I've reflected on that moment often. My mom's wisdom and desire to be obedient inspired her to align her will with the Father's. She didn't even hesitate for a moment. She knew that she needed to accept the Lord's will immediately. In a time of absolute despair and shock she was not concerned about what she wanted but what the Father wanted for her. So throughout my life as I've had trials and challenges that I thought would break me I have reflected on that moment and my mother's example. I have prayed to accept His will for me in my life. It is NOT an easy thing to do!
   This morning I was reading in Jesus the Christ again. I have been contemplating where my life should go now that it has been turned upside down. What does Heavenly Father want for me and my children? His answers have not always been what I have wanted them to be. Just yesterday I pleaded in prayer, "Haven't I suffered enough? Why must I do such hard things still?"  In Jesus the Christ I read another passage that helped me immensely!

               "Christ’s agony in the garden is unfathomable by the finite mind, both as to intensity and cause. The thought that He suffered through fear of death is untenable. Death to Him was preliminary to resurrection and triumphal return to the Father from whom He had come, and to a state of glory even beyond what He had before possessed; and, moreover, it was within His power to lay down His life voluntarily. He struggled and groaned under a burden such as no other being who has lived on earth might even conceive as possible. It was not physical pain, nor mental anguish alone, that caused Him to suffer such torture as to produce an extrusion of blood from every pore; but a spiritual agony of soul such as only God was capable of experiencing. No other man, however great his powers of physical or mental endurance, could have suffered so; for his human organism would have succumbed, and syncope would have produced unconsciousness and welcome oblivion. In that hour of anguish Christ met and overcame all the horrors that Satan, “the prince of this world” could inflict."

"From the terrible conflict in Gethsemane, Christ emerged a victor. Though in the dark tribulation of that fearful hour He had pleaded that the bitter cup be removed from His lips, the request, however oft repeated, was always conditional; the accomplishment of the Father’s will was never lost sight of as the object of the Son’s supreme desire."

   As I read this passage it hit me with greater force that Christ had suffered the unfathomable. A pain so great that, "no other man, however great his powers of physical or mental endurance, could have suffered". He asked not once, not twice, but three times for the cup to pass from Him, always adding a desire to do the Father's will. He "fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."
  Yesterday I prayed multiple times for strength to accept His will. I felt inadequate to accomplish the things I felt inspired to do. I was physically and emotionally worn down. I uttered, "I don't know how much more I can take." Having read this passage this morning I am reminded of the ULTIMATE example of aligning one's will to the Father's. I am humbled as I realize what I am being asked to do is far less than what our Savior was asked to do. I am humbled as I realize that because of the Savior's desire to accomplish the Father's will I am NEVER alone in my struggles. What the Savior did that day in the Garden of Gethsemane made it possible for so much joy and hope for all of mankind! The Savior trusted the Father's will, despite His desire to have it pass from Him, and marvelous and great things were the product of His obedience. Why would I think it would be any different for me in my life? Why would I doubt? If I align myself to what Heavenly Father wants for me I will be blessed. This is where faith comes in.
   I am so grateful for my mom's example that day! It has been a powerful example and lesson to me that I will never forget! I am grateful for the Savior's perfect example! His love for the Father was so strong that He was able to do what no other man could. "Christ emerged a victor" so that we could be victor's in our lives!!

            I've shared this picture before but this is my incredible mom and dad

the summer before he passed away.

 

Humbly Listening

      I know that I can't be the only one who feels frustrated when answers don't seem to come quick enough. I had a rough few days where I felt bogged down with responsibility and pressure. I had been praying and praying for answers. Which job should I apply for? Who will care for my babies? Why can't I find a job? Should I take on more classes? Please, why isn't my house selling? Where will we live?  etc. etc.  I began to get really frustrated. Why wasn't I feeling any strong inspiration about any of these things? Finally I resigned myself to the idea that I just needed to keep being patient. That must be what I was supposed to learn.
   A few days ago one of my closest friend's sons received his mission call. Like a lot of missionaries families do they asked us to guess where he was going. I had made my guesses well in advance. The day his mission call came in the mail was so exciting. They had decided to open it later that evening with their family. Shortly before they opened it I was on my way to pick up a babysitter and I was blasting some country music, enjoying a short drive to the babysitter's house alone when a thought popped into my head. "North Carolina". I turned down the music and as soon as I pulled up to the babysitter's house I texted my friend and said, "I don't know why but I think I need to change my guess to North Carolina. It just popped in my head." I went on with my day. I picked up the sitter and my mom and I went grocery shopping. When I got home from the store I saw the text, "North Carolina, Charlotte mission." What?!?!? I was so excited for them but I couldn't figure out why I would get revelation about his mission. I actually got kind of annoyed. Seriously Heavenly Father, I am going to get revelation about this but not things I have been praying for that directly affect my life?! The next day the thought came to me, "Don't you see, Celeste, it's not about his mission. I have been giving you answers and revelation about your life the whole time and you doubted your ability to receive it."
   I was humbled. Heavenly Father had never left me without answers. I had "thoughts" and answers come to me often but had doubted that they were revelation. His mission call was a sure way Heavenly Father could prove to me that I could receive revelation and the right answers. When I was stubborn and blind to His answers He found a way to prove to me that the answers had been there all along. He could have left me in my stubbornness to eventually figure it out but He didn't. Tears filled my eyes as I realized how ungrateful and blind I had been. It was such a simple thing and through it He taught me a lesson. Listen. Trust. Those thoughts that come to my mind are often revelation. I don't need to overthink it so much. I feel so grateful for such a small, tender mercy that reminded me that He is constantly communicating to me.
  I can remember one particular time when I had heard a voice, an answer to a prayer and I didn't listen. I doubted my ability to receive personal revelation. I overanalyzed that answer and only further confused myself until I finally convinced myself what the answer was. I was wrong and unfortunately it caused a lot of pain. I have a tendency to do that, obviously. I overanalyze and get inside my head when the answer was already there the whole time. So I think it's good to have a reminder once in a while. I found this on pinterest and I've seen similar things at church before. The difference between God's voice and Satan's when it comes to personal revelation:

 

 

 

    I don't know why I find this so hard to remember. Satan is sneaky, he makes us question things and we begin to worry and obsess which leads to discouragement and ultimately we are pushed or rushed into a bad decision. When I reflect on this list it seems so obvious which is which. So why do we get so easily confused sometimes? I think for me it all starts with one thought. "What if you're making a mistake?" It's no secret I can be a pleaser. I want to always make everyone happy and always make all the right decisions so everyone will be proud of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone especially Heavenly Father. I put all of this pressure on myself to make the perfect decision. So I question and I wonder. Maybe it's different for you. Maybe something else is your weakness and causes you to make a bad choice or forgo the answers you've received. I challenge you to think about the ways Satan gets to you. What does he do to get you to question truth and light? Once you figure it out make a conscience effort to block his tactics. Trust in your Heavenly Father and humbly listen. If we are doing all we can He will not lead us astray or give us false answers. Sometimes our answer is to have patience. However, sometimes we already have the answer right in front of us and we refuse to recognize it.

   When I saw this list again all of these answers came flooding to me. I reflected on how I felt and the thoughts I had when I had made a particular decision or entertained one. All of a sudden the answers seemed to come easy to me. I still have a lot of decisions ahead of me to make but it is my hope that now that I've been reminded of these things that I will be more humble and wise in making those decisions.

 

 

    



Just Enough

    I'm a side sleeper and I usually wake up on my right side. So the next morning when I woke up the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was this picture in a cute frame that said forever on it.

 

I couldn't move. The day before all came rushing back to me. "Yesterday really happened. I am not dreaming, this is real." I had a pit in my stomach as I stared at Nic's face. He looked so happy and full of light. How could we have gotten to this point? I promised him forever and I wanted to spend forever with him but it looked like that would not be happening anymore. My body felt like lead and tears welled in my eyes. My sister was still asleep downstairs on the couch and my house was still quiet. I don't know how long I laid there and softy cried onto my pillow. I felt completely alone in that moment. Darkness took over and I could feel the hopelessness and depression kick in. I had an eye exam, of all things, that morning so finally I sat up. I really couldn't afford to miss this eye exam because I was on my last pair of contacts. When I sat up I saw a different picture.

 

When my sister had come back over the night before with her overnight bag she also brought this picture and put it on an easel in the corner of my room. "I want you to look at this and remember who has you." She said. That morning as I saw this picture tears filled my eyes again but this time with hope. "I am not alone. I can do this. He has me." I was able to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.
       I went to my eye exam in a daze. It was so weird to go out in public and realize that life was still going on like normal for everybody else. I had experienced this sensation once before when I lost my dad. It felt like everybody should stop and life should stand still because my life as I knew it had stopped. I can only imagine what I looked like or what the optometrist thought as he examined my blood shot eyes from crying all night. I felt and probably looked like a zombie.
      Later that afternoon my friend Tory came over again and watched the kids so I could attend the temple with my brother, sister, and brother-in-law. My brother picked me up and we all rode together to the Boise Temple. It was a Saturday afternoon and the weather was nice. Oddly enough one of the things that stuck out to me the most from that day was the way my brother treated me. He opened ALL of the doors for me. It's such a little thing but it seemed so strange to me because Nic wasn't in the habit of opening the doors for me. I guess after a while I had forgotten what that felt like. I remember thinking I was being shown more respect from my brother that day than I had felt from Nic in a long time.
      The minute I walked into the endowment room I heard VERY clearly, "you need to go to school and pursue a nursing degree." Okay. Random. Things were so fresh still and the accusations against Nic weren't even proven yet. I didn't even know where the truth was and that is what I needed to hear? Over time I have come to be very grateful for that answer to a problem I hadn't even thought about yet. I feel very strongly that Heavenly Father didn't want me to have to worry about that on top of everything else He knew I was going to have to do. What a blessing that answer has been to me. School has been the one thing so far that I haven't had to question or wait for answers.
     My sister and I held hands during the temple session and just wept. I needed the answers. I needed to know if what they said Nic had done was true. In my heart I felt sorrowful because I had a feeling it was true. Nic had a rough childhood I guess you could say. He made some mistakes and had fought really hard to overcome them. I ached for it to not be true. I didn't want all of that work he did to be for naught. I ached because I knew the pain he had gone through. He often opened up to me about his trials and I thought because of what he'd been through he would never do anything like this. I cried for my kids. Especially for my daughter. If this wasn't true than what had happened to her to make her say such a thing? What had my poor little girl endured and I had no clue? What must she have felt and gone through? On the flip side if this was in fact true than I was so proud of her for being brave and telling someone. I was amazed that she at 7 years old felt she could speak up and tell someone. I was amazed that she hadn't shown any signs of depression despite what she must have experienced.
    Going to the temple that day was the best thing I could have done. The comfort it provided was desperately needed. The answers I received were critical. The time to reflect and contemplate was essential. I truly believe had I not gone to the temple that very next day that this would have all played out very differently. I am so thankful for the temple. Honestly speaking I didn't always love attending the temple. I don't know quite why but I would always kind of dread attending. I think it was a combination of things that made me feel uncomfortable about attending (nothing that happens in the temple) but since that day I feel so much excitement when I have an opportunity to attend and feel that spirit that is unique to the temple.
    Between the picture my sister brought over and the opportunity to attend the temple I didn't feel alone that day either. I had moments like that morning where I felt alone. I still struggled with so many emotions but I was given just enough strength to keep moving forward. I think sometimes Heavenly Father doesn't bless us abundantly with strength and courage, sometimes He gives us just enough. I think He wants us to remember we need Him and to come to Him often. If we ask He will always help us but He wants us to keep learning and growing so He only gives us enough gas to get to a certain destination. Once we get to that destination we have to stop and ask Him for more gas to get to the next destination. One thing at a time.

Isaiah 28:10
For precept must be upon
precept, precept upon
precept ; line upon line, line
upon line ; here a little, and
there a little:
  
Be patient with Heavenly Father as He is with us. The answers will come on His timing. He will help you with what He knows you need help with in that moment nothing more. He wants you to keep coming back to Him and then He will help you with the next thing. It is my testimony that He loves us beyond measure and that He knows what is better for us than we do. We need to trust in Him and His methods. This is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to remember as I am a very impatient person. I want answers now! I feel entitled sometimes like I went to the temple and said my prayers, I've been faithful so I've earned all the answers. I have to humble myself daily to His methods and have patience with His plan for me. When I humble myself sufficiently I am given just enough to make me strong for the time needed. Let just enough be enough.