Love You Through It : a Mother's Day message about unconditional love.

With Mother's Day quickly approaching my thoughts have been turned towards my own mother. Often when I think about her, words feel inadequate to explain the mother she is. From the time I was little I remember nothing but love and perhaps that is the greatest lesson she ever taught me, to love unconditionally.

In 2004 my dad passed away very suddenly and as I was the youngest, that left just her and I at home. To say that was a hard year and a strain on our relationship would be an understatement. We each grieved differently as our relationships with him were very different. I was a teenager about to start my final year of high school and a whole new phase of life. She was a woman about to be an empty nester and now a widow, which meant she would be completely alone. Our fears were great and there were a few occasions when we took those fears out on each other leaving us both with hurt feelings. What came after the hurt feelings is an important life lesson I'll never forget. After giving me some time alone my mom would always knock on my door, sit on my bed and apologize. "I'm sorry, I'm doing the best I can. Parents aren't perfect but I love you so much. Can you please forgive me?"

If only she knew then how much those words would help me when I became a mother! She taught me that it's okay to not be a perfect parent. That it's okay to be real with your kids. That we respect those that are honest with us about their shortcomings. That there is nothing that can't be mended by sincere humility and unconditional love. That all we are ever expected to do, is our personal best.

Over the years my mom has been there for me as I have parented my own children and she has continued to comfort and gently nurture me through some of the most difficult moments of my life. I am her caregiver now but a year ago she was mine. It wasn't that long ago that my world was falling apart and she was helping me pick up the pieces. She worked tirelessly to keep my house clean and help care for my kids while I handled legal issues and worked through my grief. Many mornings she let me sleep in and mope in bed as I mourned the end of my marriage and the horrible abuse my daughter endured. She was patient with me as I slowly began to heal and get stronger. Quite simply, she loved me through it. Now it is my turn to allow her to grieve and mourn the loss of her health while I take care of business. I see it not as a burden but a privilege, an honor. Unconditional love is serving one another through the trials and heartbreaks in life. She taught me that.

Mom, if you get a chance to read this, you need to know how much your kids love you. It is okay to not be the strong one taking care of us anymore. You have taught us everything we need to know. We know to trust in God because of you and that turning to Him is ALWAYS the answer. We know how to love both purely and unconditionally because of your example. Spending time with you and caring for you is a privilege for us all. You have been and are a noble mother! Your faith and love have sustained us and will continue to do so because yours is a love that will last for eternity! Enjoy your time and try not to stress about the magnitude of this trial as you face your cancer. You have never let us fall or left us alone in our times of need and we will not let you either. We've got your back mama. Quite simply, we will love you through it!

This Mother's Day I challenge all of you to think about your own mother's and the ways they "loved you through it" and as a mother myself, I know that sometimes we have a tendency to look inward and reflect on our own mothering skills and sometimes we are tempted to compare ourselves to other mothers we know. To that I challenge you to 1. Remember the love you have for your child is the MOST important part of being a mother! Nothing else we will ever do will even touch the love they feel from us. The pinterest worthy birthday parties and perfectly packed sack lunches don't matter if they don't feel our love. Loving them deeply and making sure they feel that love IS ENOUGH! 2. Love yourself through it. There is no such thing as a perfect parent!!! Be patient and kind with yourself. Repeat after me as I repeat after my mom : "I'm doing the best I can." No more comparisons. I know my mom sounds pretty amazing from all of the things I've written about her but even she forgot my brother's 7th birthday. ;) He still loves her and is a functioning happy adult (mostly hehe).

Let's make this Mother's Day about love, unconditional love. Not comparisons, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or even anger. This Mother's Day lets focus on the positive, the happy, and loving ourselves and each other through the trials and heartbreaks of life.

Growing Pains

What a difference a year of "growing pains" can make! 

(Still awkward but so much cuter! haha)

8th grade versus 9th grade

When I was a kid, every once in a while, I would get this horrible pain in my legs. My mom always told me it was "growing pains" and she would usually give me a little medicine and send me to bed. In my eighth grade year I was one of the shortest girls in my choir class and by my ninth grade year I was one of the tallest. In just one year I had grown from shortest row to tallest row. What a difference a year of growing pains can make! Lately I find myself thinking often about emotional and spiritual growing pains. I seem to have established this pattern with God that usually entails a horribly hard phase where things seem to get worse and then BAM, the insights come all at once and I feel almost a constant flow of personal revelation.

A while ago I was definitely struggling. In fact, I had a full blown temper tantrum. I don't know quite what triggered it, I think it must have been time for me to grow. I was really suffering with feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I literally threw myself on my bed and started punching the mattress all whilst sobbing and repeatedly uttering, "God you don't care about me!" Even in that moment I was fully aware that wasn't true but I was angry. How many times had I pleaded for some sign, some clear answer that I would have an eternal companion? How many nights had I knelt in prayer and said, "Thou knowest the desires of my heart and that they are pure and true and I want a husband for all of the right reasons. I know how to sacrifice and give and I know how to make a marriage work. Please grant me this true and good desire"? I was angry because my heart is particularly centered on love. I love others so easily. It is one of my gifts that Heavenly Father has given me but in that moment it felt more like a curse. I ached to love and nurture a companion. I was mad that He created me this way and was allowing me to suffer because of it. "If it isn't in my plan to get married the least you could do is take these feelings away from me!" I was mad that despite my anger and the depth of my pain I still could not deny my testimony and I was mad that I felt so much love for Heavenly Father, even in my anger, that I would do this all over again if that's what it took. Yep, I was a raving, bitter lunatic that night, truly I was. 

Somehow I managed to humble myself enough to kneel down and utter a more respectful prayer before going to bed. Although I was still angry and confused I at least managed to tone down the rage and speak to Heavenly Father like an adult. Almost immediately after praying and making the choice to LISTEN I received an answer. A prompting came to me to read out of a book I had received at Christmas time. It is a book that is compiled of short stories and testimonies from women to strengthen and motivate other women. It is called In His Hands, because it is short stories I haven't read it consistently. I have just picked it up, reading a story here and there. That particular night the story I opened up to was called, "Unfulfilled Expectations" by Camille Fronk Olson. She references Job 5:18  "For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole". She goes on to discuss how, often, the Lord makes us exercise patience and she uses the example of barrenness in the scriptures. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel are all examples of women who experience barrenness. Women who were required to wait faithfully for the blessing of a child. The process of patiently waiting teaches us to trust in God with even more conviction. I didn't like this idea. Who does? I mean who wants to be patient? We live in a day and age where we want everything instantly. A popular country singer, Miranda Lambert, even has a song about it called, "Automatic". I am no exception, I loathe waiting. I have only been officially single for 6 months and alone only just over a year and you'd think I'd been single my whole life by some of my attitudes!

I pushed aside my negative feelings and went on to read my normal nightly scriptures. It just so happens I have been studying Job on and off for the past year and was in that exact chapter and read that exact scripture from the previously mentioned book for the second time that night! "Okay I get it" were my thoughts. I am struggling, I have been put in the fire to be refined. Now I need to trust in the Lord and He WILL make me whole.

The next few days I continued to struggle and waffle back and forth with this concept of trusting Him. On one such day my mom was actually having a hard time as well. Her and I were having a discussion about her mood and she was expressing to me that she had some fear about dying. I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. "How can I comfort her and calm her fears?" I silently prayed and began to share my testimony with her. Finally I began to cry with pain as I said to her, "Ultimately it doesn't matter what I believe. What do you believe? I can't give you my testimony on life after death no matter how hard I try, you have to find and know it for yourself. It pains me that I can't give you the comfort I feel. " I continued to tell her about a picture a friend of mine had shared on facebook a while back. The picture depicted a little girl holding tightly to her teddy bear with God kneeling in front of her asking her to give him her teddy bear. What the little girl couldn't see is that He had a much larger, better teddy bear behind His back. The captions says,"Just trust me". I told my mom I felt like the smaller teddy bear for her is her mortal life. She is clinging desperately to it and doesn't want to give it up but what she can't see is that there is a larger teddy bear for her that is eternal life. Then I asked her if she trusted Heavenly Father. I then challenged her to change her prayers from, "please let me live" to "help me to accept Thy will".

Later that night I was struggling again with loneliness and as I often do when I feel that way I drove up to the Draper temple to ponder and pray. Something about seeing the temple illuminated against a dark sky gives me so much hope. As I sat there in the parking lot the familiar question came to my mind, "Am I going to be alone forever?........... Or for a long time?" I began to cry and then like a bolt of lightening I realized what a hypocrite I was. I had asked my mom if she trusted God and I had challenged her to ask for acceptance of His will instead of her own desires and here I was NOT trusting God and absolutely asking for my own desires. Humbled I began to pray right then and there, "please help me to accept Thy will, help me to trust Thy plan for me". Within minutes the despair I felt melted away and comfort took its place. As I drove home a flood of truths came to me all at once.

 First, I realized that no matter what my life plan entailed I would always be happy as long as I continued to turn to the Savior. Despite my life circumstances and the occasional tantrum of loneliness I am pretty happy now. I feel pretty content most of the time. Why wouldn't I be happy even if I was single for the rest of my life? A plan unfolded to me of what single life could look like for me and I could picture myself successful and happy, full of the light of Christ and raising my kids in the gospel. Didn't I have great friends and family? Didn't I have a plan for a career I felt passionate about? Doesn't church bring me joy? Why wouldn't I be happy? If that's what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I could do it and I could do it well! Sure I would struggle from time to time just as I was now but I overall I would be happy!

The next truth that came to me was less of a general thought and more of a direct message from God. "I have spent the past year comforting you, healing you, teaching you eternal concepts, and molding you into the person I have always intended you to be. You weren't ready for a relationship and won't be until I know that you are committed to this person I created you to be. I need to know that you won't change for anyone. You don't need to do anything different to impress anyone and you certainly don't need to stifle yourself the way you have in the past for a relationship. Don't change or give any of this up just because you're lonely. I need you to be this person I created you to be!"

Another truth that came to me is how easy it is to look at someone else's trials and question why they don't have more faith. Why can't they get it? How easy it is to make these subtle judgments of others. I learned humility and even more compassion with our thoughts towards others is absolutely essential when serving them. When the trial is our own it is easy to see why it's so difficult. I apologized to my mom that night. Even though I hadn't been mean or harsh with her, I have no real comprehension for what she's experiencing and perhaps it was appropriate to share my testimony and convictions with her but I also needed to realize sometimes all that is needed is love. She has a testimony, and a strong one at that just as I do, but that doesn't mean we won't all question it from time to time with life's challenges. What's important is that we are slow to judge others who are struggling and quick to extend Christlike love and compassion.

Other even more personal and sacred truths were taught to me that night and continued coming over the course of the following week. I even received a remarkable and very detailed priesthood blessing from my home teacher! What happened to my heart that week was amazing. I had experienced spiritual and emotional growing pains and my heart has now been humbled and opened even more to the blessings of the spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I went from thinking only of myself and my wants to what does He want for me. I have centered myself and my desires with His will for me once again. How easy it is to forget His will for us and to think only of our own desires. I have again put my faith in Him and His plan for me and I DO trust Him!

It is my hope that if you are reading this and you too are struggling, that reading this will give you strength. You are not alone in your questions of doubt. You are not the only one who has wondered where God is and felt hopeless. You are not the only one who has prayed unceasingly for the righteous desires of your heart only to feel those prayers are unanswered at times. Please take heart and know that you are not alone now or ever. I promise if you will challenge yourself to accept God's will and put your trust in Him that you will feel the same comfort I did. I don't know when or how it will come to you but you will feel it. Sometimes the answers we receive aren't the ones we want to hear. As we sufficiently humble ourselves those answers do bring peace as we realize He has the master plan for our life and He will not let us end up unhappy when we seek to do His will. Like the growing pains that hurt me as a child that ultimately made my body stronger and better and made my body into the adult body it is supposed to be, spiritual growing pains can have that same effect. We will suffer and hurt for a period of time as we struggle to gain a deeper testimony of a particular virtue or concept but after the pain subsides our spirits are stronger and better and we are that much closer to the spiritual beings God created us to be.

Which Part is Mine?

Healing from a tragedy takes time and often during the healing process we experience some sort of a trigger or a backslide. It had been over a year since that horrible day CPS and a detective showed up at my door when my little family experienced a major backslide emotionally.

It was the end of a long day with the kids and I was feeling strung out, overworked, and frazzled. It had been a tough week with the kids and I had been facing parenting difficulties with them that I didn't know how to tackle alone as a single parent.  It seemed that thing after thing was piling up and my load felt heavy. I was struggling to balance the needs my mom had with the needs of my four kids and I felt like I had let everyone down. I felt like a failure. Nevertheless, the dishes needed to be done one more time. The youngest was still in his high chair finishing up and the other kids were watching a cartoon in the other room while I diligently forced myself to finish the dishes. What happened next has happened many times before, in many homes and many families, and will continue to happen, I'm certain; the baby threw his bowl on the floor. I don't even remember what we ate that night what I do remember is that whatever it was splattered everywhere making a giant mess and creating one more thing I needed to do. I snapped, blind rage came over me and I threw the rag and dish back into the sink and immediately burst into tears. Then I proceeded to exclaim in between sobs, "Why? Just Why? I can't do it anymore! I quit! Nobody helps me! I'm all alone and it's too much! I'm done!"

I had made quite the scene and attracted the attention of the older three kids. They were staring at me with wide, tear filled eyes. My daughter walked over and put her little arms around my waist and then burst into tears of her own. "I miss daddy! I think I might have said something about him and now he's in trouble and can't be with us." What was happening?!? This was supposed to be my turn to tantrum and I thought she had worked through most of these feelings in counseling. I had triggered these feelings to come forward for her again. Guilt washed over me and I felt so discouraged that we were back to this place again. I needed to fix this, I led her to her room so we could talk without upsetting the little boys. I put my arms around her and prayed silently for strength to comfort her, to say the right things. I didn't feel worthy to be the one caring for her. I knew she deserved comfort and help and unfortunately I was all she had in that moment. I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for losing my cool and prayed that somehow I would know what to do.

"Just love her, let her cry, show her your pain and vulnerability".

So we cried. I held her and we just sobbed. Then the words started to flow from me, "I know baby, I know you miss daddy. It's not fair. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. I'm so sorry! I wanted childhood to be easier for you. Simple. It's not fair. This is not your fault. You are a brave little girl."

At some point my oldest son came in and started rubbing both of our backs. My SIX YEAR OLD was giving us comfort! My heart broke that he felt so much responsibility to do so at such a young age but it also surged with pride that he was so compassionate. I pulled the two of them in for a group hug and asked them if they thought it would be a good idea to say a prayer. They both nodded their heads so we knelt in prayer. Tears streamed down all of our cheeks as we prayed for comfort and we prayed for Nic, that he might know how much they still loved him and that he might truly repent so that he could see them again someday. In my heart I prayed that he might really see how special they are and how much he hurt them so that he can make it right someday and they might find peace regardless of his actions. (Again, I will NEVER put my children in a compromising situation. I won't force them to have a relationship with him ever. I believe they will each have their own journey in finding peace with him. I simply am hoping for him to work on fixing himself enough to try and do all that he can to help them heal and give them the kind of relationship they think they want with him in the future.)

That moment of prayer with my two oldest kids, although painful, bonded us even deeper. I felt the spirit so strongly testifying to me that I was doing enough. I was teaching them that sometimes we make mistakes and we don't always know the answer. I was teaching them to turn to the one person who did have the answers, their Heavenly Father. I was teaching them that it is okay to be sad sometimes. I was teaching them how to give comfort to others. I was doing better than I thought. So much love filled that little room where the three of us knelt in prayer.

That night when saying my personal prayers my heart was full of gratitude for His love and divine help raising His children. I might be a full time single mom but I am not raising my kids alone! Heavenly Father would always be there to fill in the gaps I am missing. What could have been a major setback for us turned into something that made us more unified and stronger as a family. Our backslide turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

As I've reflected back on that experience a song from Michael McLean comes to mind.



"Which Part is Mine?"

She was only a dairy man's daughter,
she was only a child of thirteen;
but the stars on the radio brightened her nights with a dream.
So she called up her best girlfriend Jenny
'cause she thought they would make quite a pair,
She said, "Let's you and me, try to sing harmony
at the amateur night at the fair."

But she only had the range of an alto,
so the part she knew best went to her friend.
And when Jenny's soprano drowned out the piano
they'd have to start over again.
And the dairyman's daughter would then say,

"Which part is mine?
and Jen, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time;
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
So please help me learn which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

She grew up and got married to Bobby
kept him working on his MBA
they had two little redheaded children,
and one on the way.

Everybody said she could work wonders,
and she wondered what everyone meant.
She played so many roles, it was taking its toll
and she feared that her time was misspent.

So she opened her heart to her husband.
They discussed everything on her list.
from the kids, to the job,
to her feelings for her Bob.
But what it really boiled down to was this: She said:

"Which part is mine?
and Bob, which part is yours?
Let's review it one more time;
I guess I"m not sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before
if we just define which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

Every sleepless night knows many mothers
who are wond'ring if they've done alright.
And the dairyman's daughter knew
more than a few of those nights.

Had she given her son too much freedom?
Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough
to prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens
and she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed
that her kids would be saved had a very familiar refrain.

Which part is mine?
And God, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
But it gets so confusing some times.
Should I do more, or trust the divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine,
and which part is yours.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
and to feel you near me.
It's all the answer
that I've been longing for.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
and to feel you near me.
after I've done my best,
I know you'll do the rest.
It is the answer that I've been longing for!


I had forgotten to play just my part. I had been trying to do it all because I thought I was the only one there was to do it all. I had forgotten about Heavenly Father's part! As a single parent I blurred the lines and it was easy for me to take ownership of more responsibility than I really needed to. I didn't have to be a perfect parent to make up for the parent they were missing. I just needed to do my best to love them the way only I can. My favorite part of that whole song is the line that goes, "after I've done my best, I know you'll do the rest." So much comfort flooded my heart when I realized I just have to do my best and that is enough. When I've done my part Heavenly Father will do the rest! I have spent many nights praying and wondering if I was enough to raise these four kids. Praying a good man would come along and help me, thinking if he didn't I wouldn't be able to successfully raise these kids alone. Now I know being a single parent does NOT mean I am raising them alone! I have faith that if I never remarry, or even if I do for that matter, that after I've done my best, He will do the rest!

Raising kids will undoubtedly be harder than I can even imagine. You never know the temptations and trials that they will face. They have already experienced very challenging things at such a young age. I'm certain it will be the hardest thing I ever do if I do it well. I don't know what their futures look like but I'm choosing to have faith that even when it doesn't seem like it, my faith and love combined with Heavenly Father's will work in their favor even when I can't see it. 

Because He Lives

I've been feeling for a few weeks now that I need to write about my dad and his passing. With Easter Sunday quickly approaching I think it's become even more relevant to share this particular story. It's a very difficult thing for me to be so publicly open about because those memories are so special and sacred to me but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I need to share. A portion of this I have already shared in a different post, "Not as I will, but as thou wilt."  It's time that I tell the complete story. Here goes nothing and hopefully ya'll will understand how special this is to me. Some things you never forget...

It was a lazy summer morning and I had been out late the night before with friends. It was just my mom and I at home because my dad was working out of town in Rock Springs, Wyoming with his brother. I was sitting at the breakfast table enjoying a bowl of cocoa puffs when the phone rang. My mom was out on the front porch waving goodbye to my Aunt Shar so I got up and answered the telephone; it was an old fashioned one with large buttons and a long, curly cord. I didn't know it yet but what was about to happen next would change my life forever.

"Hello."

"Hi Celeste, this is Uncle Walter is your mom there?"

Something about that moment felt wrong. I don't know if it was the tone in my Uncle Walter's voice or something else but I knew from just that one sentence that something was seriously wrong. I remember feeling a sense of urgency to get my mom. I went to the porch and told her as calmly as I could that Uncle Walter was on the phone for her. I remember following her back to the kitchen like I was her shadow. I didn't want to miss a word she said. At that point I have blacked out the memory and I don't remember exactly what was said or the expression on her face when she heard the news. The next thing I remember she was telling me to follow her back to her bedroom. Words came out of her mouth in a blur. My brain couldn't catch up and my heart couldn't process what she was telling me.

"Dad had a heart attack."

 "He's being life flighted to LDS Hospital downtown Salt Lake."

 "We need to call Kenton".

The next thing I knew we were praying and my mom was pleading over and over again, "Lord, please help us to accept Thy will!" I'll never forget that prayer and the impact it had on me.

My brother Kenton was called and he came to pick us up and drive us to the hospital. My mom and I were a wreck of nerves and he was calm and peaceful. Once we got to the hospital we sat with other family members in the waiting room for what seemed like forever until we finally heard the helicopter that was bringing my dad in from Wyoming. It was both comforting and nerve wracking to know that he was finally in the same building as us and that the doctors would be able to see how bad the damage was. Was he going to live?

The next week was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. My dad had no brain activity so they decided operating on his heart would be pointless. He was in a coma and it was up to us, his family, to decide what to do. We waited to see if there would be any mireacles, any improvement at all, any sign that he might live. We waited for all of the family to have a chance to see him. My mom and I stayed in one of the hospital rooms so we could be near him and so other family members from out of town could have more space to stay at our house. I paced those hospital halls so many times and quickly I felt like I had the place memorized.

LDS hospital is up on a hill in the avenues of downtown Salt Lake. One day I just had to get away! I couldn't stand being in that hospital one more minute agonizing over the details of my dad's condition. I took off on a walk down the hill in a rage. "How is this real life? If I lose my dad now he won't see me graduate from high school, get married, or even have babies. It's not fair!" I was particularly upset that he wouldn't be around when I had babies. My dad was the best grandpa! He loved the grand kids and could always be found wherever they were even if that was down on the ground hiding in a fort. As I made my way into temple square with these heavy thoughts on my mind I noticed what a beautiful day it was. People were out and about enjoying the weather and one another's company. I saw a group of people laughing and felt genuinely surprised that there was still happiness in the world and life was going on for everyone it seemed but my family. I felt like I was in an alternate reality where time stood still for me but went much too quickly for the rest of the world. I wandered into the General Conference building (which was fairly new at the time) and I sat upstairs in the room with all of the statues of the prophets in a state of disbelief and shock. "Lord, help me! I'm just a girl. I don't know how to do this! Girl's need their dads!"

Eventually I ended up in the Joseph Smith Building watching a screening of, "The Testaments of One Fold and One Shepard". The movie is about Christ's appearance in the America's after He is resurrected. I completely lost control at the end of the movie when Christ showed the people the prints in his hands and feet. There I was in the most pain I had ever experienced in my young life and the pain didn't go away necessarily, but in that moment I knew my dad wasn't going to live and that it was going to be okay someday. The answer I had been dreading, the answer I knew deep down to be true was there smack dab in my face. I couldn't hide from it. My dad was going to die. He was not coming back to me in this life. I didn't know how I would go on but I knew I would go on and things would eventually heal. I knew it was okay because when I watched those people in the movie touch Christ's hands and feet the spirit testified to me that that was real! It really happened! Christ died and rose again on the third day and because of Him death was not really the end!

Eventually the doctors gave us the cold, hard truth; if he did come back he would most likely be a vegetable. We had a decision to make as a family and on July 14, 2004 we pulled the plug on all of the equipment that was keeping him alive. I have never felt more love in one room than I did that day. My entire family crowded around his bed and my mom asked my brother to read a scripture:

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through 
the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil: for
thou art with me; thy rod and 
thy staff they comfort me. 

Ocean waves were playing in the background. My dad so dearly loved the Oregon and northern California coast, it was a part of his soul the same way it is now a part of mine. A prayer was said and the equipment unplugged. My mom whispered in my dad's ear, "fly, baby fly, you're free" and one single tear slid down my dad's cheek. Many things happen naturally when a person dies, a physical reaction to the body shutting down but I believe that was his way of saying how much he would miss us and how sorry he was for all of the sadness we would feel. Within a few minutes his chest slowly stopped rising and falling and he was no longer with us in his mortal body. My sister Laura turned to me and with thick emotion embraced me and wept on my shoulder, "oh Buggie, I'm so sorry!" My grown brothers who were always so calm and safe, my protectors, were bawling on my shoulder. That day changed all of us forever.

On July 19th, a Monday, we held his funeral and shortly after family left to get back to their lives. It was the emptiest feeling on the planet being in our home with just my mom, knowing we would not hear my dad's laughter coming from the other room anymore. For about a month our dog, Charlie, would sit in the window waiting for my dad to come home. A couple of times he even ran out in the street confused, looking for him. Eventually he stopped waiting in the window and it broke my heart. He really was gone.

So many people showed us so much love during that time. We received countless cards and visits from well wishers. A family in the neighborhood brought us a massive breakfast to feed our ENTIRE family. My mom was serving as Young Women's president at the time and I was a laurel and the Young Women made us the most heartfelt cards. During our stay at the hospital my mom and dad had their 18th wedding anniversary. The staff all signed a card and got my mom a cake. I was so touched by their compassion. Many friends and school mates of mine showed up to my dad's funeral, never having met my dad, just to support me. I still look back on all of those kind acts of sympathy and love with such tenderness and gratitude!

My senior year of high school was rough. Grief encompassed me and I did my best to act normal, to be fine, but I wasn't fine. I felt like I was an actor in my own life. Many times after school I would throw my backpack on the floor and collapse onto my bed and just lay there, empty, depressed. Sometimes I couldn't move for hours and no tears would come and other times I couldn't seem to get off of my knees from a prayer and make the tears stop. I never thought the pain would end.

Time went on and I moved up to Idaho, got married, and had four kids. Gradually, with each year the pain got less and less. Sadness turned to gratitude for the time I did have with him and that I got to have him as my dad. I would rather have David Leavitt Ewell as my dad on this earth for only 17 years than any other dad until I was 80.

I have felt my dad's presence here and there over the years; usually when I am enjoying my kids, his grand kids. I have told my kids stories about their grandpa and seen tears in their eyes as they realized how special he is to me. It touches my heart to see them still have a relationship with him on some level. We can't drive by his cemetery without the kids yelling, "Hi grandpa!" On Valentines Day they made him valentines without even telling me and then asked to take them to him. One day I was upstairs helping my mom and I came downstairs to find the kids watching a home video of him completely entranced. They have never physically known him but they do know him and that brings my heart so much joy. Death has not kept them from having a relationship with him! They are learning the eternal nature of families at such young ages and I couldn't be more touched or amazed at their comprehension. It is a beautiful thing!

This last year has undeniably been the hardest of my adult life. One of the many tender mercies I have experienced is the sacred blessing of feeling my dad's presence with greater intensity and frequency. I feel him all the time, all around me. I know he is guiding and protecting me and my little family. I am convinced he was with my daughter giving her comfort and courage when she decided to tell someone she was abused. I know the love he felt for his grandchildren that were living at the time and I know that that love is no different than the love he feels for my kids now.

I have felt him giving me companionship and comfort on some of my darkest days. On one occasion I was praying and missing him terribly. I craved the comfort only a father can give and I said, "I love you dad, Heavenly Father please let him know I love him, I miss him." What happened next was a first for me and a much needed tender mercy. I distinctly heard the words, "I love you too Buggins". Every cell in my body knew he was there and that those words were coming from him. I instantly felt warm and as if I was hugging him once again.

I talk to him frequently about my mom. Not in the regular way you would talk to someone living but I feel things in my heart and send messages to him. "Dad, please help me take care of mom. What should I do?" I have felt him many times around us and I know he is here often even when we can't feel him.

My message today, my whole point in sharing all of this deeply personal stuff, is that life does not end at death! This Easter season my heart is so full of overwhelming love for our Savior. Because He lives I know that my dad will live again too, as will my mom. We ALL will live again because of Him! Death is still hard, there is a hole left in your heart that only time can slowly heal but the sting, the finality of it, is swallowed up in the crucifixion and resurrection of our Savior! As a 16 almost 17 year old girl watching a movie about the Savior's resurrection I knew my road would be long and painful but I also KNEW that it would be okay one day. It will be more than okay, we will all live again, of that I am certain! I don't know why I've been so fortunate to feel my dad when others might not have but I do know because of those experiences he is alive and well right now! Life goes on and we don't need to say goodbye the way we think we do. I feel a deep and immense love for our Savior. Because He lives I don't ever have to wonder if I will see my loved ones again. I still get to have my dad with me and my kids still get help from my dad, all because He lives! What has been made possible for you because He lives?

"She Will Be Loved"

I'm not sure I ever knew quite what real loneliness was like until this past year. The thing about loneliness is it comes and goes often with no rhyme or reason. In one day I can literally go from enjoying the freedom of single life to aching for anyone to come along and then back again to let freedom ring. On one such day I had a great morning and felt very optimistic. "Life is good" was my outlook most of the day. It just so happens that day was my brother's birthday as well. After my kids went to bed I decided to look for a picture of my brother holding me when I was a baby. I wanted to post it to facebook and instagram with a touching tribute to him in honor of his birthday. I never found the picture. What I found instead was a letter and a picture from my first love as well as pictures of Nic and I when we were dating. I sat there on the floor and looked at those pictures for quite some time. Then I read the letter:

Angel (got to love cheesy nicknames), 

Never in my life has anyone impacted my life the way you have. (Blah, blah, blah). You are a beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father and your earthly parents have done a beautiful job raising you. (blah, blah, blah). I've had probably the best summer of my life and you have opened my eyes to the hidden blessings of my life. Dreams do come true. (Blah, blah, blah, blah ,blah! This kind of thing went on for two whole pages). 

                                                                                           Love, 

                                                                                           Mark 

I don't mean to make light of the words he wrote by using all of the blah's but reading it back again in that moment it felt like a bunch of lies. I felt like if he really meant all of those words he wouldn't have made some of the choices he ultimately made. Normally I am very grateful to have experienced such a sweet experience the first time I fell in love and often I wish for my own daughter to have her first love be as sweet. Uncharacteristically of me, I felt bitter. He didn't mean those things, they were just hollow words and as a naive 15 year old girl I believed him (cue T. Swift's song "Fifteen" lol). 

And with that thought a wave of loneliness hit me and started to pull me down to the ocean depths. Before I could stop myself one negative thought was turning into another and another. "Nic didn't really love me deeply either". Followed by, "why hasn't anybody ever loved me enough to fight for me?" The grand finale was, " maybe I am unlovable and I will never find anyone to love me as much as I love them". 

Obviously at this point I was now in full blown pity party mode so naturally I turned on my go to song for when I'm in such a mood; "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. In true romantic comedy form I pathetically belted out every word between sobs (honestly thinking about myself doing this I have to chuckle). About the fifth time through, during mid chorus I began to have a dialogue with myself.

 "What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm wallowing."

"Stop. Are you really going to buy into this crap again?"

"Yes, yes I am thank you! I am unlovable and I'm never going to be in love again. I'm lonely and I'll always be lonely so go away and let me be pathetic in peace."

"You realize the biggest lies here are coming from you and not your ex's right?"

"um......what do you mean?"

"You are lovable and you know it. You're just having a tough moment, that doesn't mean you have to jump all the way to labeling yourself as unlovable and make dramatic statements like you'll never find love again."

"Okay maybe you have a point."

"What's this maybe business? I DO have a point! You are lovable! You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being mean to yourself. You are not pathetic just because you feel sad and lonely. That's normal. Everyone feels sad and lonely sometimes especially in circumstances like yours."

"You're right! I'm not going to do this anymore right now. I'm tired of entertaining these negative thoughts about myself and my life."

That's when it hit me that "she will be loved" was really, she is loved. Memories of my brothers and sisters came rushing to my mind as well as thoughts of friends, my kids, extended family, and Heavenly Father. A million memories flooded my mind of hundreds of people and hundreds of ways they had shown me I was loved. I had sat there feeling completely and totally sorry for myself and once those memories had come to my mind I realized I was the complete opposite of unlovable. I have complete strangers who love me just from reading this blog, simply because they relate to me and feel sympathy and/or empathy for me as a fellow child of God. I have brothers and sisters who would do anything for me and practically have. I am fortunate to have not just one best friend but a dozen close friends that I would call best friends. I have four kids who think I am the whole world! The things people have done for me and I was sitting there feeling unlovable!!! Ludicrous!

So if you are like me and you have struggled or are struggling with feelings of rejection, loneliness, or being unlovable my message to you is not that you will be loved but that you ARE loved! Right now, this very minute you are loved! 

For starters,  I love you whether I know you or not, simply because you are a fellow child of God and a human being with feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions, I too, have felt. I honestly cannot think of a soul that I have met that I didn't love in this most basic and purest of ways. 

Someone in your life loves you. A mother, a father, a child, friend, aunt, cousin, etc. I challenge you to really think about it. There is at least one person, if not multiple people, in your life that loves you and wants to see you happy. Focus on that love and be grateful for it. The more you focus on the love you do have in your life the less likely you are to feel sorry for yourself and be depressed. 

Finally, and this is HUGE so pay attention, you have a Heavenly Father and Savior who love you beyond measure!!! Heavenly Father loves you so much that He is literally available anytime, anywhere you need Him. All you have to do is pray. He is waiting to hear from you so He can comfort you, just as a parent would comfort their own child. He knows you in a way only a parent can know their child and He is anxiously waiting for you to come to Him so He can calm your heart and give you more strength to keep going. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to atone for your sins and heartaches.

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves you quite possibly the most of anyone because He has actually felt your heartbreaks and pains. He has been with you every step of the way, through every never ending night. He KNOWS you! He knows you in a way no one else does. He knows your heart and He loves you the way no one else can! Please believe He is there and you won't feel so alone. If you will get on your knees and pray to know if He is real, pray to know if He has felt your pain, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you will feel His love in some way or another. You are not alone! You are loved and have always been loved!

I realize that it isn't the same as a romantic love. Trust me, I know the ache for someone to hold your hand and to share your life with. I really don't know when that kind of love will come along for me and that in and of itself makes me feel lonely. However, what I do know is that I am NOT unlovable. I don't need to wait to be loved, I am loved right now. Focusing on all of the love I do have in my life, even if its not romantic, takes the edge off of the pain. In moments of my greatest loneliness knowing that my Savior, too, felt lonely, not only in His own life but also in my life through the powers of the atonement, makes me feel less lonely because by very definition I am not alone. Correctly understanding the atonement brings enlightenment that we are never alone.

One day I hope to be loved romantically and love in return. At times I might ache for such love but it is my testimony that as I change my way of thinking and turn towards the Savior that I will know a love that is deeper and purer than any other love in existence. I will know the love of the Savior and I will feel it now, not one day.  



                                   Turn thoughts like this.....

Into this:

                                                                       And this:

1. • 
     
2. 
   

How?

One of my mom's biggest concerns about passing on is she wants to make sure I'm okay. She longs to see me happily married to a wonderful man who will be crazy about me and my kiddos. Since her diagnosis I have reassured her many times that I will be okay because I am okay right now. I honestly believe it. I know that no matter what, marriage or not, I will be okay. I will figure out my career and with Heavenly Father's help I will be enough for my kids. It will be very challenging at times but I will be okay.

A couple of days ago I had gone upstairs and read Jesus the Christ with my mom. Towards the end of the chapter we were on I started to feel kind of funny. I don't know how to explain it other than I just felt really tired and off, nothing major was wrong and there were no distinct symptoms but I just didn't feel well. It was a general feeling of ick. So for the first time in months I took a nap. When I awoke I felt really peaceful and the veil felt very thin, almost as if I had seen a loved one who had passed on in a dream. All throughout that day I couldn't shake the feeling that I had had contact with a loved one's spirit and that they were nearby. It was a very sweet and calming feeling.

Later that evening a thought popped in my head, "why now does the veil feel thin?" That thought left me feeling a little uneasy as I connected it to my mom and her condition. Soon thoughts were coming like, "is she going to pass really soon?" and "am I being prepared for her passing". I finally dozed off a little only to awaken around one a.m. with an anxious feeling. I needed to go check on my mom. It was late and I didn't want to scare her but I listened to that feeling and crept quietly up the back stairs. When I cracked open her door she looked at me. "Mom are you okay?" "I'm fine what's wrong? Come sit by me." I sat by her on the bed and told her what I'd been feeling that day. In regards to my nap she suggested I was being taught by heavenly spirits in my dreams. We talked for a while and it felt like old times before she got sick. Finally I said, "Mom I really do know I'm going to be okay when you pass but I need to hear you say it. I need to know that you know I'm going to be okay.  I am going to be okay, right?" She quietly and confidently replied, "You are going to be okay. I raised my kids to be tough stuff and you will be just fine. Happier times are coming." That night I did feel more comforted after talking to my mom and fell asleep pretty quickly once I went back to bed.

The next day I made plans to attend the temple. I really needed some extra comfort and wanted to go to the Jordan River Temple one last time before it closed for renovations. As I was sitting through a session the same questions from the day before kept popping back into my mind. "Was I being prepared for her passing and was it going to happen sooner than I was expecting?" In the Celestial room my thoughts were focused on the Plan of Salvation and mortality. I sat there contemplating for a long time when I finally began to cry and I looked up at the chandelier as if looking to the Heavens and asked, "How am I going to be okay? I know I will be but how?" And with that the tears flowed freely. I knew I would be okay one way or another because of what I've already been through but losing my mom..... that is an overwhelming thought despite being 100% confident of where she's going to be and that I will still feel her. The fear and sorrow I hadn't allowed myself to feel was finally felt in that Celestial room because I knew I would find comfort there. What I didn't expect was for Heavenly Father to answer my question right then and there. With tears still streaming down my cheeks a sweet, young blonde woman, whom I noticed had also been crying, came over and sat down next to me. "Would you like someone to talk to? I noticed you were also crying and thought maybe we could give each other some comfort." We sat there whispering our stories and our pain to each other and exchanged words of comfort and support. After we had changed our clothes we hugged and exchanged phone numbers. "I'm so glad I met you!" She said. "Me too, and don't hesitate to text me or call."

I got in the car and I felt so much better. I felt sorrow for this woman and her trials but I was no longer focused on mine. How marvelous to have made a friend in the temple of all places. Surely our paths were meant to cross. However, it wasn't until I was nearly home that I heard my answer. "That's how. You will be okay because I will send others to comfort you just like I always have. I will use my other children to comfort you and you will comfort them. Service. That's how."

What a powerful moment that was for me! Just by being kind we are serving. A simple smile or a few kind words can be the answer to someone's prayers and in turn we can find the answer to ours. These little acts of service can become our how to make it through a difficult trial. When we act on those promptings to serve we lift each other up and "how am I going to be okay?" turns into "who needs my help?"