I Forgive You

   I filed for divorce in February and a little over six months later I am still married. Our divorce has been an ugly process. We have continually debated back and forth about what was fair. I felt like I wasn't the one that made the mistake and I had all four kids to take care of alone so I should get everything. I had quite a few people, my lawyer included, who believed the same. This was, after all, a case of abuse. Every single time I would suggest something and Nic would turn it down I would get so hurt. "Why can't he just see he's wrong and make amends by letting me have what I want?" I felt like I had forgiven him or at least made good progress but he simply wouldn't let me go. Hearing after hearing, week after week it continued. That was a good majority of the reason I was so emotionally exhausted last week. I wanted it to be done and behind me. I felt trapped.
   Last week after a few different conversations with a few different people I began to question the sincerity of the forgiveness I thought I had for Nic. I had told anybody who would listen that I wanted Nic to repent and redeem himself but did I? Did I forgive him if his repenting meant he'd be an active part of the kids life someday? Did I really want him around? When I was really honest with myself I didn't. I was still angry. I didn't even realize how angry I was. I felt like because I wasn't bashing him and speaking ill of him that I must not be angry, right? Wrong. Truth be told I was only willing to forgive him if he did things exactly the way I thought he should. Even then I wanted him to just set us free. He had lost his right to be a part of our lives, in my opinion, the moment he made the choice to abuse our daughter. I wanted him to go away and just let us be happy. Is that really forgiveness? Am I his judge? Do I get to say when he is or isn't repentant? These things all went through my mind last week.
   Flash forward to this morning. I was getting ready and a Kelly Clarkson song came on titled, "Already Gone".

              "Already Gone"

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ah already gone, already gone, already gone
Ah already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

 I had skipped this song every time it played in the past. It used to bug me that it said, "you couldn't have loved me better". I would get upset and think that's a lie he could've. This time I decided to listen to it. It wasn't long before my heart started softening and I began to connect with the lyrics. I didn't want us to burn out. I was sick of hurting him. I can't make it feel right because I know it's wrong. I was and am already gone. Then a flood of good memories of Nic came to my mind all at once. In those good memories he really couldn't have loved me better. The next thing I knew my anger was gone. Poof! In it's place was compassion. He did make his bed. He was wrong but it didn't matter. I felt compassion for him all the same. All of the hurtful things, even the abuse didn't excuse me from really forgiving him. For so long I was caught up on what was fair when it didn't even matter. Nothing about this was fair! It wasn't about being fair. It was about forgiveness and compassion. The best part was that it was a peaceful feeling. I was moved and touched but I didn't cry and sob over the pain or the loss. My eyes welled a little but only with gratitude to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for lifting this burden off of me. One more time in my life in ,perhaps, an even more powerful way I have learned that THE ATONEMENT IS REAL!
  I felt an urgency to talk to Nic. To tell him how I felt so we could make amends and move on. I called his mom and asked her if next time she talked to Nic she would tell him to call me. She agreed and we talked on the phone for quite a while about forgiveness. Finally she just invited me to come over. We made plans to go to the library and do some shopping. I loaded the kids up and headed that direction. When I got there she immediately handed me the phone. Was there even a question who it was? Heavenly Father, working His magic again, had orchestrated the timing so perfectly. She couldn't call him but it just so happened that Nic called at that exact moment. I was excited to tell him that I forgave him not even knowing how the rest of the divorce would go or how he felt. I told him I forgave him and that I was sorry that we wasted so much time and money in court. I told him I hoped he would get better and repent and I meant it with all of my heart. I told him I loved him but I couldn't love him romantically and hadn't for a long time. I loved him as a child of God. I loved him as the father of my children. I loved him as a piece of my life that made me who I am. I told him I needed to protect the kids first and foremost and that creating our new life was my priority and had to be now. He cried. He too was sorry. He had been praying for us and he was beyond grateful that I had forgiven him. He backed me up 100% as a mother and supported all the decisions I needed to make. We both felt so much peace from that conversation and felt united that this was what was best for the kids.
  Not long after that I got a phone call from my lawyer. He had sent me a copy of Nic's response to my most recent proposition for the divorce. Last week before talking to me Nic had agreed to all of my terms except one. On that one term he came back with an idea that was even better for the kids. His response reflected that of someone who was sorry. Actions and words were aligned. Of course I agreed to the terms and the divorce is on it's way to being finalized.
  I feel so blessed! How fortunate I am that my marriage is ending on this note. A week ago I would've thrown a party and been so excited to be done with it simply because I was free of Nic. Today I am humbled. My attitude has changed. I am still grateful to be able to move on and create my new life. This is right. We aren't supposed to be together. I don't love him the way a wife should. There is somebody else out there for me. However, today I feel grateful that we care about each other enough to let each other go. We are allowing each other to be happy. We have made the choice to do what's best for our children. There is so much peace that comes with that decision.
   Nic did some horrible things (I wasn't perfect either) and I don't know what he'll choose for his future. I don't know if he really will continue down this path of repentance. What I do know is that today I found forgiveness without even knowing what would happen with the divorce. Today I realized forgiveness has no strings attached. It's not really forgiveness if it's predicated on them fulfilling certain expectations. Forgiveness has no expectations. I was fortunate enough that it worked out well for me but I wasn't expecting it to when I forgave him. Forgiveness is a gift, a tender mercy. I call it a tender mercy because it really was. I couldn't force it to happen, believe me I tried. It just came. I don't know why it happened the way it did for me but I do know that my entire day was orchestrated around forgiveness. Heavenly Father's hand guided my day and again I'm even more sure that He is in control of my life as I submit myself to His will.
   Most of you know I have been reading Jesus the Christ and as I've been reading about Christ's final days of His life I have been overwhelmed with His ability to love and forgive those that have persecuted him. When the Roman soldiers came to arrest Him in Gethsemane Peter smote one of them on the ear with a sword. Peter's actions were in defense of His beloved Savior. I can honestly relate to that instinct to protect those I love. Would we not all feel a desire to protect our innocent loved one from evil? In response Christ steps forward and heals his ear then rebukes Peter, "all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be? The cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?" Christ not only forgives this Roman soldier for coming to take Him to His death but He goes a step further and heals his ear.
   Again this is but one example of many that illustrates perfect love and forgiveness. Christ was the ultimate example of forgiveness! Withholding true forgiveness was like Peter taking the sword. It was a choice on my part to fight instead of submitting to the will of the Father. We have been commanded to forgive all men, was I exempt from this commandment? Surely I can try to follow the Savior's example and show some compassion after forgiveness. The Savior's example teaches that the two virtues go hand in hand.
  With all of this being said; forgiveness is a process. It doesn't come as quickly to some as it does to others. Be patient with yourself and realize it takes time. How much time is not always our choice. Keep praying for forgiveness. Study forgiveness. Study the Savior's life and one day the atonement will take the pain and the anger away from you.