In My Heart

  I believe part of forgiving is forgetting. It's been difficult for me to think about blogging more about what I've been through with Nic. I have forgiven him and I don't want to dwell on it. However, I've decided what I've been through might be helpful to some of you and I am also a BIG believer in learning from our past. Just keep in mind that as I write some more about things that have happened in my past I do so with no lingering feelings of pain or resentment. I also ask that you keep in mind that Nic, too, is evolving and changing. Who he was then is not the same person he is today or will be tomorrow. For better or for worse he is evolving. If you think about it we are all at least a little different then who we were a year ago or even last week.

   So much compassion and love has been extended to me this last year. Person after person has reached out to help me. People I haven't even talked to for years and even some people I have just met recently. I used to be cynical and assume everyone thought the worst of me until I could prove to them otherwise. I used to focus on the wickedness of the world and dwell on the decline of humanity. Yes, there are wars going on. Yes, there is wickedness. I am aware that so many innocent people suffer and endure horrific things. There is also a lot of good still in this world. I have seen so much compassion first hand in my life. I have read so many uplifting blogs and articles about all kinds of people doing amazing, incredible things to help others. The contrast between the good and evil has led me to ponder compassion and the role in plays in our world. How much of a difference does love and compassion really make? How does one really develop compassion for others if they've never received it themselves?
   I can remember many occasions when Nic would come home from work and whether he was tired or fighting inner demons, he would check out. He would turn on the TV and watch one of his many shows he religiously recorded. The kids would do something funny or sweet and I would feel like he was missing it. Occasionally there were even times when the kids were desperate for his attention and would beg him to play with them only for him to tell them he would later. It used to kill me! They will only be little once. I would look at these kids of mine and see each of them, in all of their unique divinity, and think "why can't he see how great they are?" He used to express to me frequently that he couldn't wait for the kids to become old enough so he could do things with them. He couldn't wait to take them camping, hunting, golfing, etc. All I could think was, "why wait?"
   I've thought a lot about this and how it parallels to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and how He views us. Sometimes we might struggle to see another individuals light or distinct worth. Some personalities just don't mesh as well together as others. We can become offended or even make rash judgments. How many times do you think Heavenly Father thinks, "Why can't Celeste just see how great so and so is?" He sees all of us for everything we are. He knows all of our flaws and eccentricities. He created us. Despite those things we may view as negative qualities about ourselves He also sees how great we are! He loves us unconditionally! I'm convinced if we saw the intentions and desires in everyone's hearts we would realize that we aren't all that different after all. Why can't we see how fantastic the person sitting next to us is? Are we not all God's children? Perhaps that's where compassion comes from; seeing others as children of God.
  Sometimes I really struggle to get past my own opinions of how others perceive me. I have been offended or hurt by something they said or did, sometimes deeply. I think one day I'll forgive them or maybe next week I should reach out to them. Why wait? As I look back on complicated relationships I've had with others I regret the time wasted in misunderstanding. It's easy to be offended but I've come to know that I can offend others just as easily as they can offend me. I really hate that feeling when I realize I've said something unintentionally that really hurt someone I respect and value. Again I ask why wait? Don't let things fester and get worse. Don't miss any valuable time.
   In my heart is good intentions. In my heart I want to be loved and love in return. In my heart is the desire to repent. In my heart I want to make a difference. In my heart the most important responsibility I have is that of being a parent. In my heart I want to forgive others and be forgiven. In my heart I want NOTHING more than to please my Heavenly Father and return to Him and help others to do the same. What's in your heart? When we put aside all social barriers and misconceptions are our hearts similar? If we could only allow our hearts to do the talking would we treat and view others differently? The closest relationships I have are with those people who see what's really in my heart and our hearts speak to each other.
   Looking at my children I see what I assume is just a glimpse of how our Heavenly Father must feel about all of us. As a mother I would pray that others would be kind and merciful towards my children. That they would give them the benefit of the doubt. I would hope that when my kids make really stupid mistakes that others would try to see the good that is in their hearts. I'm sure this is how Heavenly Father must feel about us. Love and forgiveness can change the world.  I'm so far from perfect, as I am only human, but I'm trying to view others with a Christ like love. I'm slowly learning and trying to see the world as He does. If I have offended you at some point, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry! Please forgive me for my imperfections, as there are many, and have patience with me as I try each day to become a little more like our Savior.