Just Love

  Tonight my heart was heavy as my oldest son cried in my arms. He has been longing to go fishing for the last couple of months. His dad wasn't much of a fisherman and I have been a few times but don't know enough to teach him. Every time we go to the store he begs for me to buy him a fishing pole. Tonight he asked again as I was getting them ready for bed and I got a little impatient with him. "We'll talk about it later. I don't know how to teach you to fish." I continued to get the baby ready for bed and brushed him off. A while later I found him alone on my bed with the saddest little expression on his face. It dawned on me that his new obsession with fishing wasn't the only problem here. I scooped him up in my arms and held him quietly for a minute. Finally I said, "I know you really want to do guy stuff huh?" He nodded his little head. "It makes you miss daddy doesn't it?" A little tear trickled down his cheek. "I'm so sorry you miss daddy. I'm sorry he isn't here. I'm sorry that I can't be a guy. (Not really but in that moment for him I was.) I will do my best to see that you can get some guy time. Maybe we can check out some books from the library about fishing and talk to some people who know stuff about it. I love you buddy and I will do my best to help you learn to fish." That seemed to comfort him but meanwhile my heart was breaking. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I felt a heavy weight on my shoulders. I thought, "How do I do it all? How am I supposed to give him something I'm not?" It broke my heart to think about this little boy who I love more than life aching and yearning for something so good and desirable that I couldn't give him. What child doesn't want a happy mother AND father in their home?
   My oldest son has taken this family change the hardest. He was daddy's little, "buckaroo". He loves doing "guy stuff". (Which is really stuff anyone can do but he would rather do it with the guys). That first month Nic was out of the home was excruciating for him. He had so much anger and confusion. He reverted physically with some behaviors and he shut down. He would hide under his bed and refuse to come out. When I would finally get him out he would lie there next to me in silence for a good half an hour before he would even cry. Those were the nights that were the hardest. Often after silencing his fears and calming his broken heart I would collapse on my bed and sob. I have pleaded time and time again in prayer for strength beyond my own to help heal these children that call me mommy. I put him in counseling to deal with his anger and he's made some slow but steady strides towards healing. The hard nights get fewer and farther between.
   Today I taught a lesson in YW on the importance of family. A good majority of it covered motherhood. Again, I'm certain this lesson was more for me than anyone. I stumbled across this quote:


             "To mothers raising children alone,
               remember that you and the Lord
               constitute a majority. As your arms
               encircle your little ones, his arms are
               there, too. Feel secure, for his arms
               are lengthened out toward us all the
               day long."

                                          -Mary F. Foulger

   That quote came to mind as I felt so overwhelmed tonight. I am not alone in this. The pain I feel from watching my children ache for a father does not go unnoticed. I am not the sole comforter for these children. I can work together with my Heavenly Father and be a successful parent. His arms are there too, encircling my little ones and lifting me back up when I don't think I'm equipped for the job. What a blessing this knowledge is!
   There is nothing more precious to me than my role as a mother. The love I feel for my children and children in general is overwhelming. These tiny human beings are so innocent, so unique, so divine, and it us, imperfect adults, who are trusted with them! I can remember growing up my mom used to always stare at me during church. It used to creep me out and annoy my young teenage mind. Now I find myself doing the same thing. I stare at my kids with such awe and amazement. They're so funny, so forgiving, beautiful, smart, kind, etc. I can't believe that something so perfect came from me!
  Motherhood isn't always bliss. I could do without the temper tantrums. I'm certainly not a fan of getting puked on at the grocery store. I don't love never being able to use the restroom alone. If I never have to clean a washer because a diaper accidentally got thrown in, it will be too soon. (you know what I'm talking about). There is NOTHING more horrifying than when you're baby learns to take off their diaper and smears poop all over the place! Car rides are always fun when all four kids are fighting and screaming for my attention. Yep, definitely some things I could live without. But there is NOTHING sweeter in life than when we're reading scriptures as a family and my four year old pipes up and proclaims, "I love Jesus!" NOTHING is better than watching big brother teach little brother how to climb the playground. NOTHING fills my heart quite like the hugs my two year old literally forces me to give him by grabbing my neck and pulling me to him. NOTHING brings more joy than seeing my daughter care for her brother when he skins his knee and she has tenderly put every band aid known to mankind on one little scrape.
  Family life is so essential to progression. I feel so blessed to have my own little family. I would do everything all over again, exactly the way I did because it gave me my children exactly the way they are. As I go forward as a single mom I know there will be many trying times ahead. Being a mom is challenging enough if you take your job seriously. I often feel so burdened with the need to be both nurturer and provider. However, I take comfort knowing Heavenly Father is on my side. I take comfort knowing He loves my children! I take comfort knowing He has a plan for me and if it ever should feel too hard I have prayer to fall back on.
  Today I had my brother give me a blessing before I left for church. I have a lot of big decisions to make regarding the temporal needs for my family and not a lot of time to make them. The thing that was impressed upon my mind the most was simply, love. Love Heavenly Father has for me. Love I have for my children. Love I receive from extended family. Just Love. The amazing thing about real love is that there is always room for more love in a heart. To me that is why families are so important. No where else do we learn more about love than in a family. So tonight as I reflect on the decisions I need to make and on the burden of being a single mom I feel two words deeply etching themselves on my heart. Just Love. As I love my Heavenly Father and my children to the best of my ability my life will fall into place. There are still decisions to be made but they will be made out of love for Him and the precious, little humans He has given me to love.