The week before his sentencing I was a complete wreck. I was constantly praying and fasting for the right thing to happen for our little family. One day I had just gotten home from the grocery store and was sitting in the car still when I received a phone call from the victim witness coordinator. (A fancy term for middle man between me and the prosecuting attorney). She wanted me to know that they had completed Nic's psychosexual evaluation. (A psychosexual evaluation is an extensive evaluation that helps them to determine how likely someone is to reoffend. They take all kinds of things into consideration: past offenses, their personal sex lives, drug and alcohol use, and even personality traits such as chauvinism.) The next sentence out of her mouth shocked me to the core, "He came back as high risk to reoffend in part because of his alcohol use." It took me a minute to process what she was saying, "I'm sorry what?........... Alcohol usage? Are you sure you're looking at Nic's file? He bragged about never drinking even a drop of alcohol." She confirmed that ,yes, it was Nic's file. I got off the phone and completely lost it. Who was I married to? It wasn't even the fact that he drank that really got me. It was the secrecy and the duplicity. I had lived with a complete stranger! I didn't even know Nic. I was angry, hurt, and angry again. "How dare he! How could I be so blind? How could I be so stupid? When did he drink? How did I not know? I'm such a naïve fool!" My mind was racing.
That same night was a Relief Society meeting at which Ashlee Birk was the keynote speaker. My friend Shannon had arranged for her to speak to her ward and graciously invited any who wanted to attend to come. Ashlee also has a blog called The Moments We Stand. I highly recommend that you go check it out! You will not regret it and you will find that before you know it hours have passed by and you're still reading. I mentioned her in my very first post. She is part of the reason I started my blog. Her faith and testimony inspired me so much and helped me to realize that I wasn't alone. Anyway, I had the opportunity to meet her that night and I had been looking forward to it for weeks! The spirit was strong and Ashlee was even more amazing in person! She is very beautiful but even more so in person because she radiates kindness and light. As she spoke I related so much to what was being said. She talked about her own betrayal and I was literally sobbing. When she finished I pulled it together (lie, I only thought I did) and approached her and introduced myself. I had to let her know how much she had helped me. I was shocked when she gave me a hug. With that one act of kindness I fell apart. All of the stress I had felt from that day and yet another secret Nic had kept came pouring out. In hindsight I feel kind of bad for Ashlee. haha! I was totally a sobbing crazy lady spilling my guts. If she was freaked out she didn't show it. She didn't even blink or hesitate to console me and give me yet another hug. That night as I replayed it in my head I was humiliated. I had fallen apart in front of so many people I knew in my stake and to this poor woman who I treated like a celebrity. I was a mess!
Shortly after starting this blog I attended a stake function and so many people began to approach me and tell me they'd read my blog and how it had helped them. I started getting a lot of attention for the things I was writing. It was odd to me that my story and my voice was so impactful and that what I had to say people found of worth. It was weird driving home that night thinking about my blog and the impact it was having. People I didn't know very well were telling me their stories and trusting me with their pain. I felt so overwhelmingly grateful and incredibly inspired by the things they had gone through. I also felt this personal confirmation that I was right where I was supposed to be and this blog was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I cried peaceful tears the whole way home.
I have now been on both ends of the "falling apart". I have been the one to fall apart and I have been the one listening as someone else fell apart. I want every single reader to know that you don't need to feel foolish for a second! By all means fall apart! I have been there and I feel honored and blessed to learn from you and the things you've been through. I am no "celebrity" (for lack of a better term) no matter how many people read my blog or how many people know my name. I am simply a friend who understands pain. I am a listening ear. I am just a normal girl trying my best to be in the right place at the right time so that I might serve and comfort others the way I have been served and comforted. I am not better than anyone else. Every good thing I've done, everything noteworthy I've said has come from Heavenly Father! Give Him the credit, not me! He puts the words in my mouth, He prompts me to say the right thing. Often as I'm writing thoughts just come to my mind mid post and I know it's His gentle guidance directing me as to what to write. If there's any credit to be given to me it is that occasionally I am humble enough to act on the promptings of the spirit.
The best place to fall apart is on your knees. I have felt like I was literally falling apart before. My heart has ached in my chest and I have doubted my ability to handle my life. I have been broken. Shattered. Lying on the floor completely numb for hours. Empty. Insecure. Lonely, a lot of lonely. Inadequate. OVERWHELMED. All of these things have plagued my soul at one time or another and caused me to fall apart. When you fall apart on your knees you are given strength that only Heavenly Father can give! That only the atonement can provide! I told you to not feel ashamed to fall apart to me. With even greater conviction I say don't be afraid to fall apart to Heavenly Father! In fact I beg you to fall apart to Heavenly Father. He wants to be there for you! Think about your own children and/or loved ones. Who do you love the most? Who would you do anything for? Now how would you feel if they didn't tell you something they were struggling with and you knew you could help them? I have withheld things here and there over the years from my family because I was ashamed to tell them. Guess what? They love me no matter what I do! Multiply that love by infinity and you get how much Heavenly Father loves us and wants to help us. It is great to have family and friends to be there for you and even strangers like Ashlee. We are tools for Heavenly Father. I have recently had some neat experiences that reminded me how true that is. However, we should not neglect our Heavenly Father. I have expressed myself to someone before and then neglected to actually express myself to Heavenly Father. He should be the first place we turn. The first place we fall apart. We can't really be healed unless we do turn it over to Him in prayer because the atonement of our Savior is the only power that can really heal us. Falling apart is nothing to be ashamed of! We have all done it at some time or another. It is my testimony that when I turn to my Heavenly Father in prayer that I know He hears me and loves me. I know He has been longing to console his child as every good father does. I challenge you to fall apart to Him every time and allow yourself to feel His love as He soothes His child.
No comments:
Post a Comment