Self esteem. I have been debating about whether or not to blog about this particular topic for a while. Honestly it has been something I have struggled with on and off throughout my life. I knew that blogging about it meant being completely vulnerable and even bringing to light some things I'm ashamed of. I have had this nagging feeling all morning that I needed to sit down and blog about it. It is a very real issue that A LOT of people struggle with.
Time to get real. I've told ya'll that I'm not perfect and this experience that I'm about to share is exhibit A. I'm highly embarrassed to share it but I do think it could be of some worth and value to someone so here goes nothing.
Once I started thinking about the possibility of having another relationship someday I began to start feeling incredibly insecure. The thoughts in my head went a little like this, "I am this 28 year old mom with 4 kids already who has no job and no college education. I am not nearly as fit and in shape as I'd like to be. What man would be attracted to me?" Then I made the worst decision I've made during this process: I joined a popular dating app. One of those swipe left or right if you think this person is attractive things. My intention was NEVER to find someone to date or even flirt with. My sole reason for joining it was solely because I was insecure and I wanted to know if men even thought I was attractive. (Seriously I am so humiliated). No matter what my intention was it was a DUMB thing to do especially while still technically married. I never met any of these guys or had a relationship with them. I had a couple of them who tried to get me to meet them but I realized that I was in jeopardy of seriously violating my temple covenants and I was not okay with that. It didn't take me long to delete the account and I've never looked back. My point though is, why did I feel the need to be validated from men solely based on my looks, so much so, that I made a choice that was very contrary to my personal integrity? When did what men thought of me become more important than my values? It was a real eye opener for me.
As a teenager I fell in love for the first time with an older boy. We talked about all kinds of spiritual things and I felt he really valued me as a daughter of God. He went on a mission and wrote me faithfully every single week for 2 years. I was certain I was going to marry him. I didn't. My dad died and I was dealing with stuff when he got home and he had his own personal stuff to sort through. One day I got a phone call and he admitted to me that he had chosen a different path for himself. He was no longer active in church and wasted no time finding another girl that was the opposite of me in every way. I was devastated! It rocked my self esteem to the core. How could he love me and say all of those things and then one day, just like that, not anymore? Even more confusing to me how could he have such an amazing testimony and then just lose it in a matter of weeks? I felt so rejected, he knew everything in my heart and ultimately chose something else.
Fast forward to my relationship with Nic and the abuse. 1. When does anyone ever feel good about themselves when the person you love chooses pornography or some other perversion? 2. You begin to wonder if you weren't enough. Were you not attractive enough? Was there something wrong with what you were doing in the relationship? 3. Why didn't Nic love me and our life we had created enough to fight harder against his temptations? I felt like I had been rejected not once, but twice by the only two men I had ever loved romantically. My self esteem was completely tanked for a while there.
I knew if I was ever going to have the kind of relationship I really wanted that I needed to fix my self esteem on my own. Me, not a man. I've found that as I've delved deeper into the gospel that I've found my self esteem. My worth is not defined by how many heads I turn but from simply being Heavenly Father's daughter. It is a concept I always knew and was familiar with. A concept I had even taught in Young Women's and yet I hadn't received it to be true in my heart. I've spent hours praying to become who He would have me be. I've poured my soul out to Him about all of my insecurities. It wasn't until I made it a personal matter of prayer that I gained that knowledge in my heart. I have learned for myself that neither one of my relationships ending had anything to do with me not being good enough. I have always been worthy of love. And it certainly had nothing to do with my appearance. I think as women we far too often place our value ,unintentionally, in our appearance. Do I try to look nice? yes. Do I want to be healthy and fit? yes. However, those things are not who I am. They are not my identity! You want to know who I am, read this blog from start to finish. I am a Daughter of a Heavenly Father and that alone is enough! I have literally knelt down in prayer to Him and begged Him to help me see that being His daughter is where my self esteem should come from. I have pleaded with Him to help me be content with myself. I have asked that if it should be in His plan for me that He will direct me to a man who sees my heart and finds my heart more beautiful than my face. I don't want to be loved because I'm pretty. I don't want to be loved for any one trait. I want to be loved because of all the unique qualities and talents He has blessed me with. I want to be loved because of what I have to give. I want to be loved because I am doing my very best to be a valiant daughter of a King!
Since I have discovered my self esteem I have even viewed men differently. So they're good looking, so what? What do they have in their heart? Are they good and kind? I have begun to be so much more respectful of men and I no longer lust after celebrities the way I once did. (again embarrassed). I used to feel such a boost when I noticed someone checking me out. I still see heads turn now and again but I really don't care. I am so much more than my physical appearance, whether its good or bad! I do believe there has to be some sort of initial mutual attraction to start a relationship but that attraction doesn't always come from being classically good looking. What I find attractive is confidence and the light of Christ in their eyes. I was telling my YW on Sunday that you need to become what you want to attract. I want a man who is confident in His identity as a Son of God and has a personal relationship with Him so I need that to be where my confidence comes from. I have always had a close personal relationship with Heavenly Father. What I lacked was the ability to see past certain experiences in my life and identify my worth solely in His love for me.
I sure hope this helps someone otherwise I have completely exposed my darkest secrets and fears to the world for naught. Haha! Now that I've written it for literally anyone to read I have a sense of peace. I am who I am, I've been where I've been, and nothing is going to stop me from continuing to progress even closer to my Savior. There's no fear in the past only faith in the future. I plead with anyone who is struggling with their self worth to turn to the Savior! I know the feeling of insecurity and self doubt all too well and it hurts me to think of others feeling that way. Please don't sell yourself short! You are so much more than a swipe left or right! You are more than the amount of head nods you do or don't get! You are more than the size of jeans you fit in! You are more than all of the things doubt and depression tells you that you are or aren't! Don't define yourself by your fears! Define yourself as a Child of God! The amazing thing about defining yourself that way is that there are no more comparisons. When you find your worth as a Child of God then you realize you are neither above or below anyone!!! We are all the same! All of us are equally loved and our worth doesn't change because of any one choice we have made or any choice we will make! Nothing that has ever happened to you can make you unlovable to Heavenly Father! Place your personal self esteem in the Savior and you can't go wrong!
You know I love me some Pinterest quotes ya'll!
One just for the men. I tend to direct most of my posts towards women.
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