My kids start school bright and early tomorrow so naturally I decided at midnight that it would be a good time to blog. (No sarcasm here). I will most definitely regret this decision in the morning but I have had my daughter on my mind all day. I feel compelled to share her strength and goodness.
When everything first came to light one of my first thoughts was about my daughter's upcoming baptism. Who would baptize her? I was so sad that she didn't have the opportunity to have her daddy do it. Even more heartbreaking, he couldn't baptize her because he had abused her. For months I felt heartbroken that such a joyous thing would now be tainted. Finally I mustered the courage to let it go and accept reality. I knew any of her uncles would be more than willing to baptize her. I asked her who she would like to baptize her and she chose my brother Naitt. I allowed her to continue to pick who she would like to participate in her baptism.
The time finally came for her baptism and it was the first time since everything happened that I had seen some of my family. It was so comforting to see them again and to physically feel their love for us. I prayed and prayed that I would be at peace that day and that my daughter especially would feel peace. I wanted her to realize the significance of the choice she had made to be baptized and to focus on that and not on the fact that her daddy wasn't the one baptizing her. I carefully helped her dress that morning, making sure she looked and felt as special as she could. This little girl deserved to feel special and to know how many people loved her! She had suffered unmentionable things and I wanted this to be a celebration for her. Most importantly I wanted her to know how much Heavenly Father loved her! I had seen His love for her in many ways and I knew He was so very proud of her for speaking up about the abuse. I guarantee that was the hardest thing she ever did! She was braver than most people ever are. Not only did she speak up and as a result her little world was rocked but she helped comfort her brothers and even me! This day was just one more incredible decision she had made. She had done so many hard things without the Holy Ghost as her constant companion what would she be capable of once she received Him as her constant companion?
We arrived at the church and the love was overwhelming in that little room. Many family members were openly crying. They were touched by the spirit and by the amazing little girl that my daughter is. When I took her back to help her change into her jumpsuit she was literally jumping with joy. That still makes me tear up. Her excitement was absolutely contagious! The grace with which she had conducted herself still amazes me. She is truly an example and a light to me.
My brother Kenton gave a talk on baptism and tears streamed down his face as he talked about love and returning to our Heavenly Father. My mom gave a talk on the Holy Ghost and she too was full of the spirit. Her two aunts gave the opening and closing prayers. Her cousins sang a beautiful version of "When I am Baptized".
When I greeted her as she came out of the water she was beaming. This little girl knew nothing of pain that day. She knew nothing of abuse or sadness. This little girl knew the Savior! She knew the atonement's healing powers and I could see in her face that day that she had received His image in her countenance.
It wasn't until later that I learned from my brother's wife that after he had baptized my daughter he wept in the bathroom. His heart was broken that it wasn't her daddy who had baptized her. He too had loved her daddy. He was touched and honored to have baptized her and there was so much emotion right on the surface. Naitt never told me about this himself. I don't think he wanted to burden me or make it about him. What he doesn't know is that is exactly why I love him so much! That is the kind of selfless person he is. I'm so thankful for all of my big brothers and their tender hearts!
Her Uncle Bry confirmed her. Seeing her sitting in that chair surrounded by all of these uncles from both sides of the family and her grandpa was absolutely touching. The priesthood was very much still a part of her life! She was surrounded by priesthood power!
That day could not have gone any more perfectly! The spirit was strong. What I thought was going to be tainted because of misfortune and trial was actually sweeter because of the manner with which she handled misfortune and trial. Afterwards as she was hugging loved ones and accepting gifts she walked up to her grandpa and asked him to give a piece of candy to her daddy. Again, she knew the atonement! Her forgiving heart of gold, I know, touched her dad when he heard that. I will forever be thankful that she is my daughter!
The amazing, incredible thing about the atonement is that it has even worked it's powers on my children who have no comprehension of what it really means. Children truly are so much closer to the spirit than adults. I have had to really work hard to receive the same healing powers in my life that my daughter received months ago, effortlessly. I cannot praise our Savior enough! When I doubted my ability as a mother to heal my children, when I left gaps, the atonement filled in. My daughter might know more sorrow later as she comes to comprehend more adult things and the severity of what happened to her. I am confident that the atonement can heal her from any pain she may face! I know she is a force to be reckoned with. She knows how to choose light and happiness. She will do great things and I am confident that through her own process she will choose the atonement again and again.
The lesson I learn from my daughter's example is to always find the rainbow after the rain. Just like the song that was sung at her baptism by her cousins. "I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain." Her little heart was broken and she chose to find the rainbow. Life is crazy hard and we cannot predict what trials and challenges will come our way. We will often feel like we have our own personal rain cloud. Learning to dance in the rain and look for the rainbow will make life so much sweeter. After the rainstorm always comes something good. Have faith in that rainbow and in the meantime learn to dance in the rain. We can't control when the rain will stop but we do know at some point it will stop. We don't know how long it will rain so if we simply just sit there and get wet we will simply be wet and miserable. Learning to enjoy the rain and hope for the rainbow is the key to happiness. Only the atonement can teach you how to dance in the rain.
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