When I was little I wanted to be either : A. a famous singer or B. a mother. I am the youngest of nine so there were always plenty of nieces and nephews around. I was crazy about my nieces and nephews! I would prefer babysitting them over hanging out with friends. I have always loved little kids and as I got older and realized the singer thing wasn't in the cards (haha tell that to my bathroom mirror) I focused even more on becoming a mother. I was fortunate to grow up knowing how important motherhood is and I desired to have my own children so badly. I married young, 18 to be exact and very quickly discovered I was pregnant with a honeymoon baby. Before our first anniversary I had my beautiful baby girl. She was perfect! There are no words adequate enough to describe that feeling when you become a parent. It is such an instantaneous spiritual bond. However, before long I started having overwhelming thoughts. I didn't feel like I was cut out to be a mom. I loved my daughter but I started thinking I should just run away, that she would be better off without me. It wasn't until she was 9 months old that I discovered I was suffering from an extended case of baby blues. I had no idea that was even a thing! My doctor put me on an antidepressant which helped a ton but I was humiliated. I felt so much shame that I had depression. What kind of a mother gets depressed from being a mother?
When I got pregnant with baby number two Nic left to go work as a contractor in Iraq. I knew that I would need the antidepressant to survive without him. Again I hated that I had depression and that I needed medication but I had learned that I was a better mother on the medication. I bounced back pretty quickly after having him and I was able to lose all of my baby weight and wean myself completely off of my medication. I felt like I had this whole motherhood thing down.
Nic came home from Iraq after my oldest son (baby #2) had just turned one. We were so happy to be together again and those first few months were probably the happiest of our entire marriage. Two kids was a piece of cake! So we decided to have a third. I prayed and prayed to get pregnant and when I did I thanked the Lord for a third baby in my belly. Disaster struck. Nic and I encountered some serious marital problems and I felt like we had gone from the peak of the mountain to the very bottom of the valley. Depression came back in full force, stronger then before. I even had suicidal thoughts. It was not a happy time for us. I felt like the world's worst mother and wife. The guilt was all consuming. After I had baby #3 I was finally able to shake off most of the depression.
Because of the difficulties we were facing in our marriage and the severity of the depression I had experienced we decided to take a breather from having any more kids. I went into my doctor and got an IUD. When baby #3 was only 9 months old I started to feel funny. I had been pregnant enough times by then to recognize the symptoms but there was no way..... I took a pregnancy test and then another one and another one. They all said the same thing; I was pregnant. I bawled. I didn't know if I had it in me to fight that depression again. I was going to have four kids at 25! These last two would only be 18 months apart! I was so scared and completely overwhelmed. I had an IUD how could I be pregnant? Where was it? Despite my lack of enthusiasm about being pregnant I was still highly concerned for the well being of this child. What if the IUD was hurting the baby? I had a couple of extensive ultrasounds and they couldn't find the IUD anywhere. I was blessed with that pregnancy to have little to no depression. It was almost as if Heavenly Father was telling me, "you are supposed to have this baby but I know why you're scared and what you can handle". I had a beautiful baby boy who was perfectly healthy with zero complications. They found the IUD attached to my bladder after I delivered him. (SIDENOTE: I will never understand abortion. Even though I was less than thrilled about being pregnant there was instantly a part of me that loved that baby. I KNEW it was very much alive in me. I don't comprehend feeling like that isn't a life. That it doesn't matter. I don't get the feeling of I don't want a baby so I'm just going to kill it before it can grow any more. To me that is incredibly selfish. That baby turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life and looking at him now how could I ever have put an end to his development?)
Nic started to work away from home again for the third time in our marriage. I would only see him on the weekends and he was gone all week long. With four kids ages 6 and under and no husband all week I began to feel overwhelmed and depressed again. There was a strain on our marriage that wasn't just from him being out of town. I know now what that was. Back then I didn't know why he was so grumpy and unhappy. I felt trapped. Powerless. I couldn't change him or control the situation at all. I felt like a single parent much of our marriage. Now that I really am a single parent I can honestly say that I kind of was. That last year of our marriage I was on two antidepressants.
The point? Motherhood and family life is freaking hard!!! So many of my family and friends are struggling right now with this very issue. I like to call it mommy guilt. To those friends and family ( you know who you are) stop beating yourself up! I get it, I have always wanted to be a mom so why was it so hard for me? I was literally living my dream! 1. Hormones: this should be a four letter word. They change all the freaking time! When you're ovulating. When you're on your period. When you get pregnant. When you have a baby. When you're nursing. It never stops! A lot of our "crazy" feelings come from hormones. It is 100% normal and you are NOT alone! If you recognize that it is hormones you can sometimes curb some of those feelings. You can also do some hormone therapy to help you balance out. 2. It is one thing to babysit a kid ,even extensively, and another thing completely to be a kid's EVERYTHING! You are on the clock 24/7. You want to take a shower? Sorry the baby is hungry. Getting ready to go somewhere? The four year old threw his shoes over the fence. You're hungry? So are the kids and they are louder and more persistent about their hunger. You want to sleep in? Go ahead try it but don't blame me when you discover there is mustard all over the carpet throughout the house (true story). You get the point. They need us ALL.THE.TIME. I'm sorry but, it is supposed to be easy because why exactly? 3. The guilt. Between all of the madness and chaos our kids will do something totally and completely endearing. The "mommy I wuv you" and little hands on our faces because they want to kiss us. These things make motherhood totally worth it but if we're not careful they also make us feel guilty. The train of thought can go a little like this, " awe I can't believe he said he loves me more than all the animals in Africa. He is so sweet and innocent how could I ever be impatient with him? I'm a terrible mother for losing my temper." Sound familiar? We've all done it at least once. Stop it! We lose our temper and we make mistakes because it's freaking hard to have a bunch of little humans yelling at you at the same time for chocolate milk. 4. Comparisons. "Hilary on fb just posted that the leprechauns visited their house for St. Patrick's Day. Is that a thing? Crap my poor kids, they didn't get any leprechaun visits. She is such a better mom than me! She is always doing pinterest worthy things." Sometimes I do awesome things with my kids and I do share it on social media and sometimes we're just lucky the Christmas presents are wrapped. Stop comparing yourself to other moms! Or even to yourself and what you did last year! Stop!
Motherhood is simultaneously the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done! The fulfillment I get from being a mother has by far surpassed my highest expectations! I believe it is the most noble and important thing I will ever do! I love my children with everything I have! I have sacrificed everything to keep them safe and I would do it again. The pain I have endured physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually to have and take of them is overwhelming at times but I wouldn't change any of it for one minute! It's a completely different kind of love then I have ever experienced. They make me better and stronger then I ever thought possible! Those of you that are struggling right now with mommy guilt or depression please know you are not alone! Something that my own mother told me once really touched me, "Celeste, you are an amazing mother. Nobody loves your kids more than you do! Nobody know what they need like you do. Stop beating yourself up!" My kids make life worth living. The depression has gotten better. A lot of it was situational because of my marriage. Since everything has happened in January I have completely gotten off of one antidepressant and am on a low dose of the other. I am happier than I have ever been! I have made it through a difficult phase. This difficult phase you are experiencing will pass and you will be a happier mom. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself. It will get easier as you learn to balance each new phase. In the meantime GO WATCH "MOMS NIGHT OUT", RIGHT NOW! Like right now!!! That movie so perfectly captures the chaos and the blessing that motherhood is. I laughed my butt off and cried my eyes out! We are all doing the best we can to raise these sweet little humans and we are, "a beautiful mess". I wouldn't have it any other way!
P.S. Today my 4 year old locked the keys in the car and I had to break into the car. It never ends, you just get better at coping with it and forgiving yourself when you don't cope so well.
THE BEST MEMES ABOUT MOTHERHOOD:
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