I've been waiting for you!

    The end of a relationship can be scary and confusing especially if that relationship ended unexpectedly. I continued to go to the counselor at LDS services for a few months without Nic. I had already decided there was no hope for the marriage but there were so many conflicting, lingering feelings. I often felt so lost and confused but once I started talking to my counselor he helped me see that I already knew the answers. He was a great listener and it was life saving to have someone neutral with no personal investment to hash it out with. One of my biggest fears that we addressed was how to avoid getting in a toxic relationship again. I had been very deeply hurt and my wounds were still so raw. I was TERRIFIED of relationships. I didn't want one ever again! I was fully prepared to focus on my schooling and advance myself in the career of my choice and be completely content to devote all of my free time to my kids. After a few sessions of talking about this topic finally my counselor just came out with it, he gently said, "Is that really what you want? One day you could be very happy in a relationship. Relationships are hard but they aren't usually as hard as yours was." The wall I had been building up came crashing down and tears streamed down my face, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so forgiving and nonjudgmental that I don't usually view someone's past as red flags or warning signs. Everyone has a past so how do I know they are sincerely a good person?" What he said next is something I will not forget when the time comes for me to date. He said, "It's true that everyone has a past. What matters is that you pay attention to who he is now and his motives. Is he still in the process of figuring out who he is or does he know who he is? Is he going to church more now because of you or has he been going consistently for a block of time before you? He should have a desire in him to be better than he was yesterday before you even enter the picture." I found this to be pretty sound advice. It seemed to just click with me deep down. It's such a simple concept I had heard before but my fear had completely clouded my ability to understand it as it applied to me.
   I left that session that day with hope for my future. For the first time since I received the awful news in January I began to believe I could have another relationship again and this time it would be better. For the first time in months I began to trust myself and my judgment. Most importantly I began to realize that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and shutting down in fear and bitterness was not in the blueprints. I began to heal that day.
  Here I am months later and I just attended the temple yesterday and as I sat in the Celestial room I was reminded again that Heavenly Father is directing my paths. I received many deeply personal and sacred revelations as I meditated there with a prayer in my heart. The veil felt very thin and it was almost as if I could see my life unfolding. There are no words adequate enough to describe the love one can feel from Heavenly Father in the temple.
   If you have been hurt it is so scary to let those walls down. Trust me I know. I also know I wasn't really happy being cynical. My life was being run by my fear. Thankfully, because I had a good counselor, it didn't take me too long to realize that wasn't a way to live. Marriage is tough but it was always meant to be a blessing to us. Since Adam and Eve it was always intended to enrich our lives and help us obtain eternal salvation. We were never meant to go through life alone. Let down your walls! Be brave and fearless and let God's wisdom direct you in the relationships you choose. Personal prayer and revelation can and should guide you to make wise decisions provided you are obedient to the revelations you receive. Old habits sometimes make me doubt how much I deserve a happy relationship. "Is it really possible for me? What do I have to offer that is so special?" Those thoughts come from Satan! Whenever I kneel in prayer or attend the temple those thoughts dissipate as quickly as they formed. Heavenly Father always reminds me of my worth and what I have to offer and what a relationship has to offer me. Satan wants us to be miserable. He wants us to be alone and bitter. Don't let him in! You are a child of God with unique and divine attributes and you are worth loving! I have seen far too many people get out of a bad relationship with little to no self esteem left. Be proud of who you are because of where you came from. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND YOU DESERVE ALL OF THE BLESSINGS HEAVENLY FATHER HAS TO OFFER SO CLAIM THEM! I realize that His timing is different than our timing. Sometimes we have to wait much longer than we have wanted but don't allow a bad attitude to hide the opportunities that He may be trying to present to you.
    I don't know His timing for me. I could be single until I'm sixty. What I do know is that at some point, whether in this life or the next, I will have the opportunity to find my forever sweetheart. When that opportunity comes I'm not going to let depression and fear keep me from jumping in with both feet exclaiming, "I've been waiting for you!"