Covenant Keeping Men

  Four years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Everything went well during the delivery and Nic and I were overjoyed to have a third addition to our little family. Later that night, well past midnight I woke up with a weird sensation ; I felt like I was swimming. I opened my eyes only to discover that there was blood everywhere. The entire bed was soaked and the base of the hospital bed was surrounded in blood. Even more alarming the blood was coming from me!!! I tried to wake Nic up and was yelling as loudly as I dared since it was the middle of the night. (In retrospect I don't know why I was concerned about being quiet. Apparently I have good manners even when I'm in grave danger). When he didn't hear me I threw one of my pillows at him. (On second thought, about the manners...) He finally woke up and when he sat up I saw his eyes go wide with fear. He quickly ran out into the hall and notified the nurses. Why didn't I think of notifying the nurses? Hello! I had a button right on my bed! A nurse came in and when she saw the state of the room she realized she was going to need some help. She literally ran out of the room. "Nic, I need you to give me a blessing!" While we were waiting for the nurse to get back he performed a priesthood blessing right then and there. The nurse came back with another nurse and immediately they got to work. I had hemorrhaged. I was given a medication in my IV, a pill, and a shot in my thigh to stop the bleeding. They had bright lights shining down on me as they worked to get rid of my clots. By that point all of my pain medication had worn off and my uterus had taken a beating. I don't know if I've ever experienced more pain physically than I did that night. I kept looking up at the lights and then over to the clock. If I looked at the nurses faces it scared me. They looked so fearful and intense. I could see urgency all over their faces. It was like an out of body experience. I kept looking at that clock thinking I'm going to die. I wasn't panicked about it at all. I had come to peace with it and I said a little prayer that Nic and the kids would be okay. I'm not sure why I thought I was going to die given even if it did get worse I would have had surgery and more than likely it would have been successful. They took my vitals pretty frequently and they were amazed that my blood pressure wasn't that low. One of the nurses kept asking me, "Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy at all?" I didn't. Not even a little bit. Later I was told that had my vital signs not been so good they would've done emergency surgery. After what seemed like hours they finally got it under control and told me I needed to sleep. I wanted my baby so I had them bring him back in. That whole time they worked on me I didn't shed a single tear even though it hurt so badly. When they left and I was sure Nic had fallen sound asleep I finally began to silently cry onto my pillow. I cried for quite a while and then I painfully rolled over and saw my beautiful baby boy in his hospital bassinet right next to me. I looked at that sweet boy and suddenly I didn't care how scary that experience had been or how much I was hurting. I saw his tiny chest moving up and down and I thought ,"It was all worth it. I would do it all over again to have you."
     I was intending to write this about gratitude for priesthood holders but as I wrote that last sentence a thought came to me. Sometimes we go through really hard stuff. The worst pain we have ever experienced. We might even think we can't do it anymore or , as in my situation, that we're going to die. The pain can be brutal and unbearable physically and/or emotionally. The truth is at the end of that pain just when we finally break down and are about to give up something happens that makes it worth it. And if it's not worth it in this life it WILL be worth it in the next life! The thought that came specifically to me as I wrote that sentence was that I have been through hell and back. I have wanted to give up. I have thought about compromising my values at times just for a little relief. My kids have suffered in ways that no child should even have to suffer. However, maybe, just maybe, this will all be worth it in the end. If not in this life then surely in the next! I have said before that I know Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I just have never thought about the pain we've gone through as being a path to something better. Something that makes it all worth it. Something that needed to happen.
   Back to the priesthood. Nic was able to give me a priesthood blessing that night, although, it was not anointed it was a huge source of comfort and strength to me. Later as I was reading my patriarchal blessing I realized I had been blessed to be "sustained during childbirth". I don't think that was a coincidence. I have reflected a lot on that night because it was so traumatic and wonderful all at once. I feel so grateful for the priesthood! I'm grateful for the patriarch that gave me that blessing and his faithfulness. I'm grateful that I was able to receive a priesthood blessing that night. Now I don't know if Nic was worthy at that time or not to give me a priesthood blessing. Fortunately for me the blessing was predicated upon my faithfulness not his.
   This spring I was very eager for General Conference to arrive. I desperately craved some guidance and words of wisdom. I couldn't wait to hear from our prophet! I felt like I needed conference more than ever. I missed the Saturday morning session because one of my kids had a commitment they had to attend. My sister had seen it before me and she was a little concerned that one of the talks would be difficult for me to listen to given what I had just been through. The talk was "We'll Ascend Together " by Sister Linda K. Burton. Later that night after I got the kids to bed I sat down to watch that session I had missed. I was nervous when I saw that it was Sister Burton's turn. Not too far into her talk she said:

         "Many are hurting because of neglect, abuse, addictions, and

           incorrect traditions and culture."

  That grabbed my attention!! I suddenly felt like I had been pierced to the heart and I knew I needed to listen to this whole talk. I had been hurting because of neglect, abuse, and addictions! I bawled like a baby through that entire talk. I mean audibly sobbed. It wasn't for the reason you might think. The talk didn't turn out to be about suffering from abuse. I sobbed because she went on to praise the priesthood holders in her life. As she did so I couldn't control the tears. Having lost what I thought was a righteous priesthood holder I knew how special they really are. I bawled because I felt completely aligned in my heart with every word she said. We often talk about the divinity of women but I could see a neglect for some of the men in my life. Surely there are few things more powerful than a righteous priesthood holder!

        "It must be difficult, at best, for covenant men to live in a world that not

         only demeans their divine roles and responsibilities but also sends false

         messages about what it means to be a 'real man.' One false message is

         'It's all about me.' On the other end of the scale is the degrading and

         mocking message that husbands and fathers are no longer needed.

I plead with you not to listen to Satan's lies!"

 

  I cried as I tried to think about it from a man's perspective. They are needed! Did I make Nic feel needed and important enough? Did I value him when he was doing praiseworthy things? Now that I am trying to play the role of both mother and father I see even clearer how vital a good father is to the home! It is so critical that we are patient and loving with the men in our lives. We need to be aware of all of the things they do, not focus on all of the things they don't do. I know I often had a "honey do" list a mile long and I would get so impatient when I didn't think Nic was helping me enough or getting to it quickly enough. How I regret the way I went about seeking assistance from him! I have seen many scenarios where the wife is picking at her husband. It really saddens me. It saddens me to think that I did that.

  My hope is that we, as women, can be more appreciative of the worthy priesthood holders in our lives. Men and women are equal. One is not above the other. I am not suggesting we diminish our own divine identity as we elevate theirs. I am simply suggesting that we pause and think a minute about the blessings these men are in our lives. If you are lucky enough to be married to such a man count your blessings! Tell him how much you love him and respect him. Even better show him through your actions! If he really is exemplifying the priesthood he holds then he will show you in return how much he appreciates and love you. Don't let him feel unwanted or unnecessary. As Sister Burton illustrated in her talk; we should ascend together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Joy: A feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

   My brain has been on overload the last few days so forgive me if this post seems a little disjointed. I have had so many different thoughts and experiences that have enriched me. I feel like I am in a place where I really know joy. The thing about this trial and obstacle I've gone through is it really has given me an opportunity to become more self aware and to grow in the gospel. I was conversing with my Relief Society president on Sunday and she said, "Isn't it amazing the things we go through that teach us to develop greater compassion and wisdom?" Truth is as I've reflected on that question I wouldn't change one single moment of my heartache if it meant I wouldn't be where I am today. I am so much more receptive to the spirit than I was before. I feel like I am receiving so many personal revelations everyday about all kinds of gospel principles. I am more compassionate than I have ever been in the sense that I really know now what compassion looks like. I have always desired nothing more than to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and I feel like I am on the right track. I feel so comfortable in my skin because I know now more than ever how much Heavenly Father loves me. This knowledge and growth didn't come without pain (a lot of it) and I don't think I would have received it without experiencing the hard stuff. I don't think I was capable of such growth while being in such a toxic relationship. I am Celeste. It is the weirdest feeling to try and describe but I feel like me. I feel very authentic.
   Don't mistake my confidence in myself for arrogance. I know that without Heavenly Father I am nothing. Plain and simple. Anything that is noteworthy or honorable about me is all because of Him.
   I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let ANYTHING or ANYONE hold you back from becoming the person God intended you to be. We have all been given such unique and wonderful qualities. These attributes are divine gifts from our Heavenly Father. Cultivate and nurture them so that you can use these gifts to be a tool for good. Just looking at my siblings I see a vast array of talents and attributes. I love them for their differences and they all bless me because they are different! As you develop these attributes more fully you will receive greater joy than you ever thought possible.
   Sometimes we are placed in situations of hardship and trial. We have very little control sometimes over our circumstances. What I say to that is do your best and you can control your outlook. Honestly speaking when you look at this last 6 months of my life on paper it has been the worst 6 months of my life. However, it has also oddly enough been the happiest.
   One day I discovered at bedtime that my daughter had lice. LICE!!!! Never in my life have I had lice or known anyone personally that had lice and now was the time for me to be so fortunate? We had all been sick and in my head I made a list of all of the things that had already gone wrong. Abuse, lies, divorce, eternal family torn apart, no income, minivan repossessed, washer broke down, etc. I literally sat there and looked for all of the things that had gone wrong. I stayed up late cleaning; trying to rid the house of lice. It came time to pull out the vacuum and I plugged it in and turned it on only to find it wasn't working. The plastic was cracked and it no longer had any suction. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!" I believe were my exact thoughts (maybe peppered with a swear word or two). I called up my good friend Shannon and had her pick me up another vacuum. She ran to Walmart and picked me up one after sending me a few comparisons via text message. Still my mood was absolutely toxic. The poor me pity party was in full force. Finally it got to the point where it couldn't go on any longer. It was nearly 3 in the morning when I finally broke down in tears and humbled myself in prayer. The thought came to me, "Do you feel better now? Did anything get better because you threw a fit?" Silence. I was stunned. "Hello Celeste, what are you doing?!? This is not who you are, this crybaby who is such an ungrateful brat!!" I decided right then and there that I would choose happiness. That scene would not repeat itself. I have been down since then but I have never lost my cool or felt that same entitlement like I did that day. I have learned that in life you have 2 choices: misery or happiness. You can't have both. You can't choose to be so negative and expect positive results.
  Since developing an "attitude of gratitude" I really have come to know so much joy despite the heartbreaks and nuisances. My eyes have been opened to others suffering and I have developed a greater compassion for all of God's children. It's not something that always comes naturally to me. Some days I have to really work at changing my attitude. Some days are just plain hard. I can't change that. I can only change my attitude.  I have always loved this song by Jo Dee Messina titled " Bring on the Rain." It encourages me to roll with the punches and just keep trying.
   Now that I am in this healthier, happier place I realize that you don't get into a relationship expecting that person to complete you. They shouldn't be your "other half" as is common to say. You should be whole going into the relationship and that person should only add to your joy and growth. I am responsible for my own happiness and salvation, no one else is. When both people get into a relationship with that same attitude there are less insecurities and there is more time to simply love and nourish each other. When I get in a relationship again it will be because I want that person in my life not because I need them to fulfill me. It will be because they love Heavenly Father as much as I do and they are whole in their understanding of His love for them. It will be because we give each other a desire to be better and to strive harder to be our best selves. I know joy now and he will only add to that. A relationship won't be what I'm waiting for in order to have joy.
   Tonight I had such a neat experience with my kids. I was able to run and play with them at the playground and I truly felt like a child again. They had a blast and I had a blast! We stayed there and played for much longer than I had intended and on the way home my daughter said, "Mom that was the best day ever!" My heart melted in that moment. How is it that it took so much crap for me to remember what it felt like to be a child? It really was a joyful, carefree evening and I know in my heart that I will always find joy in the middle of the storm as long as I stay deeply rooted in the gospel. Joy is a choice.

       Here are some random quotes (you know how I love quotes) that have helped me better understand joy and how to develop and maintain it in my own life and relationships.

 

 

 

 

And a couple of my favorites from Sister Hinckley:

 



  

Covenant Keeping Women

    Tonight I was preparing a lesson to teach my Beehives (12-14 yr. old girls) tomorrow at church and I felt so touched by the spirit that I had to share. The lesson I'm teaching is ,"Why are covenants important in my life?"  At the top of every lesson is a little box for the teachers that says, "Prepare yourself spiritually". In that box they usually pose some questions to get you thinking about that topic. The little box in this particular lesson said:

                         "How have your covenants influenced your life?
                           What blessings have you received as you have
                           made and kept sacred covenants?

                           How can you help the young women understand
                           the covenants they have made and will make in the
                           future? How will understanding covenants
                           influence the young women to live more righteously?"

   This must have been something I needed to review and reflect on because after reading just that first paragraph I was crying. I wish I could take everything I feel in my heart about the covenants I have made and just let everyone feel it through my heart. My heart feels so full of gratitude for the covenants I have made. It's almost impossible for me to explain the blessings I've received from making those covenants because they are indefinite.
    Despite my marriage ending, the day that I was sealed in the temple to Nic remains one of the most special days of my life. Never in my life have I felt more love from Heavenly Father than I did that day making sacred covenants. Every part of my being was engulfed in what I can only describe as the pure love of Christ. I cherish all of the covenants I have made and I have a testimony that as I strive to remember them and live them daily that I am blessed. I can feel it in the quiet moments when I have a chance to reflect. I feel those blessings fill in all of my cracks. Honoring those covenants keeps me whole.
    A few scriptures and talks are always listed as references for the lessons. All of the scriptures and talks touched me but a talk by President Henry B. Eyring titled, "Daughters in the Covenant" really touched me. In this talk he discusses the covenants we make when we are baptized. He references a scripture in the Book of Mormon about some of the baptismal covenants and goes on to reference it to women in particular.

Mosiah 18: 8-9

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 

    Again tears openly flowed down my cheeks as I realized all of the faithful, covenant keeping women in my life. We promised at baptism to, "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort". I have seen so many women keep this particular covenant through serving me.

     There's Amy who is an angel (pun intended, for those of you that know her you will get it). Multiple times Amy has watched my kids for extended blocks of time with nothing but a smile on her face while doing it. She has never made me feel like my kids were a burden.

     Janae who has always been so willing to help with my kids as well. She has always been such a positive person to be around. She lifts my spirits and cries when I cry.

     Diana who has been a voice of reason and wisdom. A friend that listens and understands.

     My friend Shannon has stocked my fridge and freezer while watching my kids so I could attend Young Women's. She didn't even say a word and still pretends she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

     Jaynee has brought me many dirty diet cokes. (God bless her). She has paid my utility bills when I didn't know how I was going to pay them. She has helped me paint and fix up my house into the late hours of the night.

     Julie, who doesn't even know how much it means to me that she is so patient with my almost four year old who won't go to sunbeams. Week after week she allows him to come into nursery and helps him transition into primary.

    There's a gal I'm quite fond of named Chantal who is so genuine and kind. I can count on her for a laugh every time I have a conversation with her. Her kiddos are also quite nifty.

     You've already heard me mention Tory and there are no words for the gratitude I feel for her services she extended to me those first few days. She dropped everything with the support of her family to be there for me day or night. She made my pain her pain.

     There are so many others that deserve to be mentioned. So many that support me through kind words and a smiling face. So many women who have mourned with me and taken the time to comfort me. I'm just scratching the surface. I haven't even touched on the women in my family yet!!
      My mom, who has always been an example to me of keeping covenants even through trials. She continues to grow in the gospel and is a source of light and knowledge for me. The time, sweat, tears, and money she has put into her service to me blows me away and I pray to keep my covenants as well as she does.
      My sister has spent hours serving my little family. She loves my kids like they are her own. She never wavers in her faith and is always there when I need her.
      Sister-in-laws have sent me uplifting thoughts and quotes regularly to help lift my spirits. One watched my kids for four days along with her four children who are similar ages. That makes 8 kids 11 and under!!!
      Aunts and more sisters have been a listening ear and have said many prayers for me. They have extended financial donations.

      Reading this talk I felt so uplifted and honored to have these covenant keeping women in my life. They are such examples to me!! They are God's hands and instruments and many of my prayers have been answered through them. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such generosity! I think that's the point, I didn't do anything to deserve it and they did it anyway just because that's who they are.

      I have been thinking a lot about compassion lately and pondering how one develops it. It's a topic I'm very intrigued by. I don't understand why some people so often don't seem to have that virtue? This lesson I prepared tonight helped me realize on a deeper level that compassion and service go hand in hand. To those women that have served me and to women everywhere who are serving those around them I say thank you! I want to be more like you! My hope is that I can be more aware of those around me and continue to fulfill the covenants I made at baptism.

    I highly recommend that you click on the link to President Eyring's talk above and read it! Truly it is a very powerful reminder of the blessings that we will receive if we keep our covenants. Further more, it was an excellent reminder of the divine virtues women have been blessed with by nature. I could feel the Spirit testifying to me that those things are true.

 

 

The Unimaginable

    Nic confessed to me on a Thursday. The following Monday we went to a counseling appointment at LDS services. The counselor was incredible! I felt like he really understood me and then he would turn and talk to Nic and I felt like he had so much compassion for him. How he balanced both of our crazy emotions is beyond me. The counselor encouraged Nic to turn himself in to the authorities. Afterwards Nic and I got in my car and talked some more. More details began coming out about what had happened. The counselor really made Nic feel comfortable and he began spilling secrets like a leaky faucet. I was flabbergasted! I thought I already knew it all, how could there be more? I don't even remember what I said to Nic but I do remember I didn't cry. Once we were in our own separate vehicles and driving home the tears came.
   Since it was evident we weren't getting back together and some truths were out in the open I felt it was time to tell our friends what was happening. Most of our family already knew and had been praying and fasting for us. Nic and I had a close group of friends and they knew something was up with us. It was time they knew too. It was so hard to tell some of them. They were Nic's best friends. He had one friend in particular that he spent a lot of time with. I dreaded telling him. I learned a couple of things from telling family and friends. These are things that I already knew intellectually but they are now written on my heart.  1. When you make a really bad choice it is absolutely devastating to EVERYONE that loves you. The ripples of pain that it can cause is excruciating. 2.Sometimes it's worse to be the person not directly affected by a bad choice. Sometimes it kills you to watch it from the outside and not know what to do. When you really love and care about a person it is painful to watch them hurt, to know they're suffering and you can't do anything about it. This experience has cemented a lot of my relationships. I have had family, friends, and even acquaintances bleed for me and my little family.
    Days were going by and Nic still wasn't turning himself in. I was concerned because without some sort of evidence or confession we still didn't have any sort of case to go on. Yes he had confessed to me but it wasn't enough to prosecute him. Even though he was saying he was sorry I couldn't trust it and I knew something more needed to happen or he would get visitation with the kids without supervision. I had the hardest time wrapping my brain around his motives. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't turning himself in if he was really, truly sorry and repentant. If I had done something that horrific to one of my kids I would be turning myself in so fast and in complete despair. His words and his actions started to say different things. I'm not sure what happened to that Nic who was suicidal and felt Godly sorrow. I have wondered if Satan started placing other thoughts in his head that caused him to start justifying his actions. I held another fast that I would be able to protect my kids and that Nic would turn himself in.
    A couple more days went by and still Nic hadn't done it. I woke up one morning and was taking a shower when a very clear thought came to me, "you need to record him." I had already done that and failed. I continued getting ready and I couldn't shake the impression that I needed to record his confession that very day. He'd already said it all once and I didn't know if he would trust me enough to say it all over again. He knew that I felt really strongly about him turning himself in to the authorities. I called him within the hour and made arrangements to meet him that night at his parents house after the kids went to bed. That day dragged on and on. I was so nervous!! I wasn't a spy or an undercover agent, why did I think I could do this? We weren't meeting at a public place and what if he discovered that I was recording him? I would have to put the recording device fairly close to where he would be sitting. Finally the time came to head over there. When I got about a block away I pulled over and hit record then hid the device on a built in shelf right underneath the car stereo. I couldn't stop shaking. I said a prayer to calm my nerves and that once again I would be able to say the right things. I called to let him know I was close and he came out. I parked in front of the house and I started the conversation by talking about some logistics. We needed to file taxes. At some point I began to ask him questions about our daughter. The questions came out effortlessly and the conversation flowed smoothly and calmly. A few times he moved his hand close to that center shelf and my heart rate would quicken a little. He never did find the device and when he got out of the car I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten him to repeat clearly and in detail all of the abuse. I should say the Lord had done it. He really was the one who had guided me and told me what to say. I was about a block away when Nic called. "Hey I was just wondering did you by chance record me?" My stomach twisted and my blood pressure spiked. "Crap he knows. What do I do?" I panicked. I was only a block away and I was really afraid for my safety at that moment. I don't know if he would've done anything to me but I had seen his anger and wrath before. Flashes of 20/20 episodes came to mind, this was stuff people killed over. "No, I didn't record you."  I drove towards home in record time. I wanted to put distance between us. I later felt so guilty about lying, even if it was to protect my kids, that once I turned in a copy of the recording to the authorities I called Nic and told him what I'd done.
   Since that day I've listened to that recording only twice. It does not even sound like my voice. My voice sounds so calm and soothing with very little inflection. Again I was guided. I still look back on those experiences in complete awe. I can't believe that was me, not a spy, not a detective but me. It is amazing what we are capable of when Heavenly Father is guiding us!!! He can transform us into anything we need to be. I in no way think I am on the same platform as Nephi but I couldn't help but think about Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. He had never killed a man before and he didn't want to slay Laban. It seemed to be so contrary to Nephi's basic nature and demeanor to kill a man. He doubted his ability to follow the command. The spirit reassured him and gave him the command again. Nephi was able to do the unthinkable with the help of the Lord. I felt strongly that I had done the unthinkable. It is not my nature to be sneaky and secretive. In both instances there was a greater good to be accomplished. Had I ignored that prompting to record Nic my kids would be at risk and Nic wouldn't be getting the help he really needs. Sometimes faith requires doing the unimaginable. When we trust in Him we can be transformed and given special gifts and talents that we don't normally possess. I learned a powerful lesson about faith that night.

  
   

Stronger. Braver. Fearless. (my words)

  I knew for quite a while something was off with Nic. Back in December before he was caught things got so bad at home that I went to see our bishop and discuss our marital problems with him. I told him I didn't know what to do about Nic. I was highly concerned with some of his behavior and for the first time in our marriage I was seriously considering divorce. I told myself I would calmly discuss the situation with the bishop and that I would not cry. The first sentence that came out of my mouth I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. There are no words to describe the pain I felt at that moment. To voice it out loud was devastating.
   Everyone knows Nic sexually abused our daughter but what most people don't know is that as a side effect of such horrible behaviors he also emotionally and verbally abused all of us. I'm really struggling to speak up about this because I want to be classy and take the high road. I don't want to sound bitter or attack Nic. He has a lot of great qualities but Satan got a hold of him. Nic took it out on me and the kids because we were the closest to him. We often hurt those we love the most more. There's a level of comfort with those close relationships so we feel like we can be and say whatever. I decided to speak up because keeping it a secret makes me feel like a victim. I'm still protecting him. I've decided there's a difference between being tastefully honest and being bitter. This will never be a blog where I tell you all of the details of every fight we had. This will never be a blog about how much I hate Nic because I don't. I'm speaking up to hopefully help other women or men who still feel victimized or who don't even realize that what's happening in their relationship is not okay.
   I didn't even realize I was being abused until after Nic got caught abusing our daughter. I went into our local Family Justice Center (which is a great resource) for a routine checkup. There was some information on counseling available and one of the employees really helped me figure things out. She listened to me and helped me problem solve what my next steps should be. She gave me some graphs and charts about abuse that listed common scenarios in abusive relationships. It was standard procedure to give it to everybody so I tucked it away in my folder and dismissed it, after all this was about our daughter. Later that night I pulled it out and was shocked to discover that my relationship with Nic fit perfectly into the abuse cycle. Tears streamed down my face as page after page I identified with the information provided. It all started fitting together and I could see so clearly a pattern of abuse. How did I not see it before? I had thought it was "normal" fighting. The truth is there was nothing normal about it. Yes couples fight but what we went through was beyond that.
  From the outside we looked happy. Even most of our closest friends and family had no clue what was really going on behind closed doors. Nic was charming. He was hilarious. I adored him when we were out with friends. We were flirtatious with each other and would have witty banter back and forth. Going out with Nic was a blast! Home was a different story. Because of the things Nic was engaging in he was depressed and when we got home and he was really comfortable he would become a different person. I think he hated himself for what he was doing and didn't know how to stop it so he was awful at times with me and the kids instead of facing his issues. Again, some of this might seem normal to you and some of it is. I can't illustrate how it was so different with us without telling detailed stories and I'm not sure I want to go there. Just trust me when I say it was not good at home. I can't tell you the hours I spent on my knees pleading for his heart to be softened. Praying that if I was missing something, if I was in the wrong that I could figure it out and be better. Why did I stay so long? The answer is simple: our kids. I had come from a family where divorce was no stranger. I knew full well the repercussions divorce could have on kids. And honestly I still loved Nic. Like I said before I'm very forgiving and I can't stay mad for very long.
  After the truth came out and Nic was removed from the home there was an odd feeling of freedom that came with all the despair. For the first time I knew the truth. I knew why he was acting the way he was. I knew it wasn't my fault, I wasn't crazy. This wasn't something I had built up in my head. The first night I was left alone with my kids we all piled on my bed and I could feel a difference in my home. The spirit was there. It is so strange but despite all of the agony I felt those first few days I also felt relief.
   Even still to this day I struggle to overcome some of the wounds from the emotional abuse. I had a panic attack after I started this blog. "What if Nic finds out?"  After writing my first post I texted a few close friends a rough draft and said, "do I dare publish it?" When I hit that publish button I sobbed for a good twenty minutes. I was so overcome with emotion. I was terrified but mostly I felt liberated. This was my life and I was taking control. I wasn't going to operate from a place of fear anymore. Which brings me to how I got the name of this blog.
  My mom was one of the few people I confided in. She knew our marriage was no picnic. She was someone I trusted because I knew she would be objective. She would tell me if I was wrong and she had a way of getting through to Nic. She loved and still loves Nic. He respected and valued her opinion. When everything hit the fan she knew I needed something to help me be strong. My bedroom was covered in everything Nic. He wanted orange in our room so I got an orange bedspread. Our initials were hanging above the bed. Engagement and wedding pictures were everywhere. She helped me take down the pictures and she said, "You need something in here that makes you feel powerful. When you wake up in the morning you need to be surrounded by colors and things that make you feel happy and strong. I want you to think about some power words that you think will help you to be all that you can be." I thought about it for a few days and came up with stronger, braver, fearless. These words are my words. I will never be in an unhealthy relationship like that again.

I am STRONGER because I know who I am and what I'm capable of.
I am BRAVER because I have looked horribly hard things in the face and done them anyway.
 I am FEARLESS because I know I can do anything with Heavenly Father's help.
I have dug down inside of myself and found my inner strength and there is no stopping me from reaching my potential. Yes I will have some setbacks and lose a battle or two but I will come away the victor because I know the power that it the Atonement. I will win the war!!! I am braver, stronger, and fearless because of my Savior!! He makes me brave. He makes me strong. He makes me fearless.

   I told my mom my words and the rest is history. She helped me redecorate my room and transform it to my room.  I had my friend Tory help me cut out the words in vinyl and I arranged them in frames above my bed. Every single time I see those words or I use them in a hashtag I believe in myself a little more. I have literally had moments when I have been trying to get ready for court and I can't stop crying and then I see those words above my bed and I become them. The colors that I chose were purple and red. Red is such a powerful, cheery color and the purple reminds me of royalty and my divine identity as a Daughter of God.
   If you suspect you might be a victim of abuse or an abuser I encourage you to get help. I cannot say enough that I know that Heavenly Father loves you no matter who you are or what you've done. Don't sell yourself short. Abuse of any kind is NEVER the answer. I often hear how amazing I am for the way I've handled a bad situation. People tell me they don't think they would be this strong. The truth is I am no better than you. If I can do it so can you. You have the same divinity in you that I have in me. All you need to know to be this strong is that you are a Child of God and He will never leave you alone if you ask for His help. You will have weak moments and lose some battles but you can win the war. Everyone is capable of being braver, stronger, and fearless!



                                     It's hard to read the words in this picture. I'll have to take a better one.

 

                                The way it was when it was our room.
  

                               One of the walls in our bedroom.

 

You can find some of the charts about abuse at domesticviolence.org. I would encourage you to look them over and familiarize yourself with them.  I want to reiterate that I am not sharing these things looking for sympathy or to paint myself as this wounded victim that was always perfect in the marriage. Yes I was a victim but I have always found happiness throughout my life despite my struggles. I am choosing to not be a victim anymore. Neither am I sharing these things to dump on Nic and paint him as an awful person. Some of the things he did were awful but I know that's never who he wanted to be. I am sharing these things because abuse is more common than we think. If what I've been through can help put a stop to abuse anywhere than I'm glad I shared. Never look the other way if you suspect someone is being abused even if you suspect that someone is you.  

 

 

Refillable

 A lot of people have told me they admire how happy I always am. I appreciate the compliment but that's not actually accurate. I'm not always happy just ask my family and closest friends. I might look like I have it all together but behind the scenes I have bad days and low moments. The last 6 months have been so full of disappointment, heartbreak, hardship, and plain old annoyances. Things ranging from abuse to my windshield wipers flying off in the middle of a rainstorm. (That's another story.) Big or small bad things have happened to me. I have had a few pity parties and some depressing days. However, my life is simply too precious and too short to spend it miserable. I can't change what's happened and I can't predict the future. All I can do is bounce back and choose to be happy.
  Today was one of those days that I had some obstacles and I was so tempted to climb in bed and never get out again. While I was busy pouting I decided to browse facebook and one of my friends posted this gem:

            

 

  It was just the nudge I needed to shake off my funk. My glass is refillable. It doesn't matter if today was a bad day, I can fill my glass back up. So with that I want to talk about some of the ways I fill my glass.

     1. Gratitude: This is a biggie! When I'm feeling low the easiest solution to feel better for me is to think about all of the things I do have and all of the things that have gone right. I have my testimony and no matter how bad things get no one can take that away from me but me. I have food to eat and to feed my kidlets. We have a roof over our heads with air conditioning and a heater that works. I have a car that's paid off to get me and the kids around. Sometimes I even recall a specific memory when things were going right and I was blessed.
     2. People: I am one of the luckiest girls alive because I have so many people to love who love me in return. The most important people that make me feel happy are my kids. I can be in the worst mood and then the baby (I say baby but he's 2) will say something funny while he's playing in the bathtub and I can't help but smile. I'll see the boys playing American Ninja Warrior and I have to play too. My daughter will bring me a sweet picture with a look of pure pride and love on her face and I just can't be grumpy.
     I can't tell you how many people in my life have filled my cup. I have had so many random acts of kindness performed for me it astounds me. Why me?
     Often when I'm feeling low I call up a friend or hang out with my family. I really am fortunate to have a surplus of quality people to choose from.
    3. Nature: There is a peace that comes with some fresh air and a beautiful view. I can't always up and leave so sometimes I just sit out on my porch and read or lay on my trampoline and gaze up at the sky. I often feel so small on this big planet when I'm outdoors. It puts things into perspective for me every time. I can't help but feel God's love when it's painted across the sky.
    4. Music: I am a huge music person! I rarely take a shower without something playing in the background to sing along to. Music has a way of making me feel understood. I love good lyrics and songs that touch your soul. When I'm blue a good song that allows me to process my sadness usually helps followed by a happy, "I got this" song.
   5. Laughter: It's no secret I'm a fan of dubsmash. It allows me to be an idiot all by myself and then laugh about it. Finding something to laugh about is always a good release. One of the best feelings in the world for me is laughing so hard I'm crying and my cheeks and abs hurt.
   6. Writing: Whether I'm writing in a journal, writing a letter, or blogging there is something very healing and therapeutic for me about writing.
   7. Me time: Sometimes the day is bad enough or my mood foul enough that I simply shouldn't be around people. Seriously. I just need a break to relax and regroup. My me time is when I indulge in my favorite guilty pleasures. A few of them are: a chick flick, a dirty diet coke, painting my toenails, reading a book, and pretending like I'm a famous country singer while taking a long, hot shower. Usually after a night of me time I'm recharged and ready to be Positive Polly the next day.
   8. Service: Getting outside of myself doesn't always come naturally to me but when I make the effort to help others I always feel better. It puts my problems into perspective and humbles me. I'm learning to be better at this one.
   9. Scriptures: I am always amazed at the treasures I find in the scriptures. The things that stick out to me are always exactly what I need. There is just a peace that comes from reading the scriptures that is almost tangible. My heart many times has been soothed by words of the prophets in the scriptures.
   10. Prayer: This is usually my first go to. The minute I feel like I'm drowning I go find a place to hide from my kids (good luck) and lay it out there for Heavenly Father. It always amazes me how much I need His help with things. I think I know a thing or two about life and then I'm back on my knees learning something new. My relationship with Heavenly Father has been vital to my happiness. I simply could not maintain the level of happiness I have if I didn't have this relationship with Him developed. He comforts me and soothes me in only a way He can. I act like a child and complain and He consoles me and softens my heart to all of the blessings that are my reality.

     When others say I am happy all of the time the truth is I'm not. I am happy most of the time. I do my best to not dwell in negativity. I do one of those ten things listed above and sometimes a few of them. I fill my glass back up and move on. What else is there to do? I mean really, it won't do me any good to be bitter or cynical. Bad days are going to happen my entire life. The question is how do I want to live my life? I choose happiness. What about you?
     

  

Relationship Status : Pending

  I am a crazy woman! Guys it's late and I didn't get much sleep last night and yet here I am. My kids will be up bright eyed and bushy tailed at the first sign of sunlight. I really tried to sleep. I have been lying in my bed for nearly two hours and neither my mind or my heart would go to sleep. Why couldn't I sleep you ask? Because I'm twelve and I couldn't stop thinking about falling in love. Oh boy. Seriously I feel like a teenager. Get a grip Celeste!! This is going to sound ridiculous but I even prayed to Heavenly Father, "Please help me to stop obsessing about falling in love and trust in your timing. Help me to be smart and focus on the gospel and my kids. Let the right man find me at the right time and until then help me to grow and be content with my life. I know I shouldn't make demands Heavenly Father but please don't make me wait a long time, I'm not equipped to be single forever. But I'll accept Thy will and be patient I promise." Great prayer huh?
  When I first filed for divorce I had no thought of falling in love with someone else. I was broken and I needed time to fix myself and my family. I was just going to focus on school and kids. No man! Gradually over time it became a more present thought that I would have another relationship one day. I began to feel really hopeful that it could be better this time. And now here I am at nearly 2am feeling love crazy. It's ridiculous. (Thank you Pride and Prejudice).
  Before being put in this situation I had never thought about this awkward phase of a changing relationship status. I have known others who were widowed or divorced but was never even aware of the struggles that came with this awkward phase. For one thing I feel like I want a relationship but not just any relationship, a good one. One where we are pretty equally matched and we have an equal love for our Savior. One where we can be stupid silly and not be embarrassed. One where deep conversations are frequent. A relationship where there's forgiveness and thoughtfulness. (Join the club right?) I want all of this yet when I think about going on a date it freaks me out. It seems so weird to even think about. I mean what if I have food in my teeth at dinner or I trip? (I actually do that a lot so it's a very real possibility.) It's all very confusing. I want to be in love without dating? Okay......
    The thing that scares me the most though is how quickly I am opening up to the idea of loving someone again. I don't want to make a stupid mistake and jump too quickly. I worry a lot about that with my kids. Once you have kids it's even more complicated because he/she needs to be a good fit for your kids too. I worry about that a lot. It's such a scary thing to want something you don't know if/when it will happen and if it will be a good fit for everyone involved. My kids don't need anymore pain and I don't want anymore heartbreak. So sometimes my cynical side takes over and I want to shut down in fear.
   This is such uncharted territory for me and I have had so many conflicting feelings and thoughts. I have spent more nights than I care to admit the last month or so praying for guidance in this department. That I will relax and let Heavenly Father tell me when it is right. I know the time for it is definitely not now since I'm not officially divorced but it will come some day and when it does I want to be guided by the spirit not lust or loneliness. Sometimes I wish I didn't desire to pair up so much that I would be more content being single and then I remember God created us this way. Since Adam and Eve we have been designed to need the opposite sex. Honestly speaking I wear my heart on my sleeve. By nature I am forgiving and optimistic. I have seriously tried to stay mad before and it never works. I just can't do it. I can't force myself to feel something I don't. I want to be a little cynical because I feel like it might protect me from pain better but I just can't do it. I will be cautious but I can't turn off this feeling of optimism. I'm such a hopeless romantic but beyond that I just believe Heavenly Father has something planned for me. Call it naïve and maybe I am asking for my heart to get broken but I am trusting in Him and I feel like there's something good around the corner for me and my kids.
   This post feels more like a diary entry than anything so for that I'm sorry. Surely I'm not the only one who's experienced some of these feelings? Feel free to shout out to me and let me know I'm not crazy if you "got" this post.


                                                     Pinterest: It's not good for me.

And just for good humor:

I don't know why but I thought this last one was hilarious. Maybe it's the hour.

Be Still

   After Nic met with the stake president he called me and wanted to meet up. We met in a movie theatre parking lot. His eyes were all red and swollen. What I saw that night was a broken man. I have never seen anyone so broken. I believe he did feel Godly sorrow that night. He confessed to me that night about the abuse he inflicted on our daughter. Again I was so calm. I used to think in a situation like this I would be a raving lunatic who was crazy angry and rightfully so. Not so, the spirit took over and continued to guide me. I listened as he spilled his guts to me. He could barely make eye contact, he was so ashamed. We sat there for quite a while and just cried together. I cried for him and the broken state he was in. I cried when I listened to details about things he did to our daughter. I cried thinking about what she endured. I cried for our poor family that would never be the same. After listening to what I thought was a full confession and seeing the state he was in I convinced him to surrender the guns over to me.
   I got home late that night and all of my kids were already asleep. I sat on the bed with my mom and recounted to her all of the events of that day. I couldn't even shed a single tear that night as I told my mom everything. I have never been more emotionally drained. Although I was exhausted I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I couldn't stop picturing awful things that had occurred right in my home. Finally I had to take a sleeping pill. For the first few weeks after that I had to take a sleeping pill every night or my mind wouldn't shut down. Eventually I transitioned to taking melatonin before bed.
   The weight of it all seemed to crush me. I couldn't handle knowing the details of what had happened. I felt like my mind was on repeat of the same horrible image playing in my head. Finally I couldn't take it any longer. I knelt in prayer and pleaded for Heavenly Father to take those images away from me. I sobbed and pleaded for my daughter to forget. I didn't want her to remember such awful things. My poor, innocent angel had to live through that. It still kills me to think about it. During my prayer as I sobbed and pleaded I began to feel so much physical pain. I could feel so much pain and anger in every extremity of my body. My hands and feet went stiff with pain. I felt like I was finally allowing myself to fully feel it and turn it over to Him. When I had finished praying a thought came to me;  I felt consumed by pain and the Savior had felt all of my pain AND everyone else's who had ever existed!!! What a sobering thought. No wonder He bled from every pore! I cannot even begin to fathom what that would feel like when just mine alone felt so all consuming. I no longer felt heavy with pain, I felt gratitude.
   He atoned for us. For me, for you. He atoned for what Nic had done. He atoned for the pain it inflicted on us. He atoned for my anger and hatred. He atoned for the sadness my little family felt as we tried to pull ourselves back together. All of the days I felt like I couldn't get out of bed because this couldn't possibly be my life. All of the times I went to sleep with a tired and broken heart. All of the anger I felt at what Nic had done. All of the sadness my babies felt when they missed him. Every single pain and transgression. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. He atoned for them all. I am not alone in this hardship, this trial and you are not alone in yours. It reminds me of Jesus walking on the water.

Matthew 14:22-33

 22 ¶And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.

 23 And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.

 24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

 25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

 26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

 27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

 28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

 29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

 30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

 32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

 33 Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.

 

    I have tried to live my life to follow Jesus. I have desired to come unto Him like Peter who desired to walk on the water to Jesus. When things got hard and my "wind boisterous" I felt like I was sinking. I felt overwhelmed and I cried out to Him, "Lord, save me." But what gets me is Jesus's response, "immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" I find it interesting that the word immediately was used. Not eventually but immediately. It is defined this way:

 

 

im·me·di·ate·ly

iˈmēdēətlē/

adverb

adverb: immediately

1. 1.

   at once; instantly.

   "I called immediately for an ambulance"

   
   

   synonyms:

   straightaway, at once, right away, instantly, now, directly, promptly, forthwith, this/that (very) minute, this/that instant, there and then, then and there, on the spot, here and now, without delay, without further ado, posthaste; More quickly, as fast as possible, speedily, as soon as possible; informalASAP, pronto, double-quick, on the double, pretty damn quick, PDQ, in/like a flash, like a shot, tout de suite; humoroustoot sweet; archaicforthright "it was necessary to make a decision immediately"

2. 2.

   without any intervening time or space.

   "she was sitting immediately behind me"

   
   

   • in direct or very close relation.

     "they would be the states most immediately affected by any such action"

     
     

     synonyms:

     directly, right, exactly, precisely, squarely, just, dead; informalsmack dab "I sat immediately behind him"

  Without any intervening time or space "Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him." This really touched me. I had panicked in the "boisterous wind" of my life and I had begun to sink. Jesus wasted no time once I finally turned my pain over to Him. He immediately "stretched forth his hand" to me and took on my pain. I could feel it. After praying to Him and unloading my heavy heart I began to feel hope. I felt a little lighter immediately. Why did I doubt?

   Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all alone. The weight of doing it alone is absolutely crushing. We should learn from Peter's story and never doubt His ability to help us in our times of need. He is always there when the wind is boisterous and the waves are crashing. In the middle of it all we need to calm ourselves and look for that light that is the Savior. I am visualizing myself standing in the middle of the ocean with waves and water everywhere. The sky is dark and the winds are blowing. I can see myself absolutely panicking as I reflect on the depth of the ocean and what appears to be immediate doom. Then as the waves part there is the Savior, this light, this beacon and His hand is stretched forth to me. All I have to do is calm myself and focus on Him.

  Those first few weeks felt surreal. It was a living nightmare. Everything I knew was turned upside down. My home was not the safe place I thought it was for my kids. My husband was not the worthy priesthood holder I had thought. How does one even go about handling a situation like this? I had never in my wildest dreams pictured my life like this. The pain was unbearable and yet as I knelt in prayer that day the waters I stood on were calmed. The Savior whispered to me, "Be still". All I can say after this experience is,  "Of a truth thou art the Son of God."