Altered.

      There are things in life that change you forever. Once you experience them you will never be the same. Today marks the eleventh anniversary of the day my dad passed away. I have never been the same since that day. There have been many sad times but there have also been many joyful times since then. I can remember a night not too long after my dad died that I was feeling so depressed. I got in the shower in the middle of the night and literally curled up in a ball on the shower floor and sobbed until all the water turned cold. I wanted to die. I pleaded with Heavenly Father on that shower floor to take me away. I didn't want to feel any of the pain anymore. It felt like more than I could handle. Here I am 11 years later and it is because of what I'd been through then that I know I can do really hard things. I know I am a survivor and most importantly I know that the Atonement is real. Without the Atonement I could not have made it through then and I could not make it through now.
    It's been a difficult evening for me. Nic was always really good when it came to stuff about my dad. He never met him but he was always very sensitive to my pain. He often expressed a desire to meet him on the other side. One year on my dad's birthday I was feeling low and he brought home a puppy. Nic and I had a lot of struggles and he wasn't typically sensitive to my feelings but my feelings about my dad were an exception. So this year I feel a little sad for multiple reasons. Of course I miss my dad but I also miss the husband who comforted me.
   Last year for the 10 year anniversary of my dad's passing my family had a reunion on the Oregon Coast. My dad LOVED the Oregon coast and spent some of his childhood on the northern California coast. Growing up most of our vacations were to the coast. That was the last vacation I ever took with Nic. He was so much fun! Nic loved to be in the middle of the party. He would be cracking jokes left and right. He had a good relationship with most of my siblings and really loved them. My kids often to this day talk about that trip. I think that was the last really happy, family memory they have.
   I shared so much of my pain with Nic about my dad. I was 100% open and vulnerable with him about all of the feelings I had. It is hard to lose someone who helped fill a hole. It is hard to lose someone who you shared such deep, sacred things with.  It is hard to lose someone who loved your family. It is hard to lose someone period. No matter what they've done. I go through these cycles where I'm mad at him and then I see a picture of a really good time and I mourn his loss. That's the thing with abuse that sometimes people don't realize. That person wasn't all bad. Nic wasn't all bad. It has to be this way and I wouldn't change my decision. I don't want to be married to him anymore and I don't love him the same way but regardless we created a life together and that is hard to let go of.
    Blah! I feel like I'm rambling and this post feels like it's definitely more for me than anyone else. My original point is some things change you forever. The day I lost my dad is a day I will never forget. I can remember it with such detail. I have become stronger since that day and my perspective was forever altered on loss. What I am going through now I know will forever change me as well. I will never be the same. I am growing. My perspective on abuse will never be the same. My testimony of the Atonement is again increasing. I am learning about Heavenly Father's love on a level I never understood before. There's no going back now. I will forever be different. That's okay. Out of hard things comes light and growth. If this brings me that much closer to my Heavenly Father than I gladly accept this trial. At the very core of my heart I want nothing more than to please Him and return to Him. One day it is my prayer that I can be reunited with both my earthly father and my Heavenly Father and that they will both be proud of the way I lived my life.
   If you are going through a tough time whether you've lost someone by choice or because they were called home. Or you might have been diagnosed with cancer. You could be struggling with a child's choices. You might simply miss someone who is now far away. You are waiting for a baby, that you know is yours, to come home to you so you can hold them in your arms. You might feel lonely wondering when that special someone will enter your life. I don't know what you're going through, there are so many difficult things in life. Whatever it is, let it alter you forever. Let the Atonement of our Savior take your pain and your sins and change you. The Atonement is what alters us in these trials to be better, not the trial itself. When you don't feel the light anymore keep praying. I have had times I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know why other than I simply didn't know where else to go but as a 16 year old girl who had just lost her father, I let the Atonement help me. I prayed when I didn't even know if He was listening. I am forever changed because He changed me. I am better and stronger now than I was then because of the Atonement. I will continue to be better as I allow it to heal me. I still feel sad. Yesterday I cried off and on and hit my knees in prayer multiple times because for some reason I was just so lonely. I have wondered if my stress level will ever go down again or if I'll always be this stressed? I have ached for someone to love me the way I know I deserve but also to love someone else that way in return. I have ached for my children knowing how desperately they want a daddy. Almost daily my oldest son asks to go camping and fishing with the guys. (I'm not sure who the guys are he just says he wants to go with boys only.) My daughter's final goal for healing that she drew in counseling is of her on the beach with her stepdad. The counselor says it's normal and she just knows what a happy family looks like and wants it for herself. I know pain. Believe me I get it. It's not always unicorns and butterflies. I have to WORK to let the Atonement heal me. Whoever you are, whatever you're going through let the Atonement heal you!! Let it mold you into a wiser, gentler, kinder, person. Let it forever alter you!!! I know it will. I have seen it before in my life and although I am not there yet I can see it happening again. Be forever changed for the better. Hold on the light will come one day I promise!
       There is a song by Michael McLean that has always touched me and helped me to be patient while the atonement does its work. It's called, "Hold On, the Light Will Come".



"Hold On, the Light Will Come"

 The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear,
Just hold on, Hold on; the light will come.
Ev'ryone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won.
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.

It's a lesson ev'ry one of us must learn;
That the answers never come without a fight.
And when it seems you've struggled far too long,
Just hold on, hold on; there will be light.

Hold on. Hold on. The light will come.

When you feel trapped inside a never-ending night.
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half crazy thinking you're the only one
Who's afraid the light will never really come

Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come.

The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear.
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come

   I have felt "trapped inside a never ending night" and the light did come and when it did  I was changed.  I am forever altered through the Atonement.



Eleven years later and I still miss you dad. Thank you for being a good dad to me. For relentlessly teasing me when I crimped my hair. For making me laugh when you dyed your chest hair. For my love of the Oregon coast. For teaching me that silly faces in pictures are always the best. For sharing your testimony with me. For loving me.